My mom admitted I'm a disappointment Anonymous 116156
Yesterday I was venting to my mom and she got upset. I admitted to cry every day at college. She said I knew that I cried when I attempted to attend last year, and that I also cried my way through high-school, and so why did I ever think it would be different this time? Then I said I had to force myself to attend because I'm already 21, I took two whole gap years, and I was running out of time to make a living before she kicks me out, she got even more upset and told me not to be ridiculous. Then I kept crying and crying, harder and harder, and she told me to stop forcing myself to cry, believing it was an act to manipulate her. I said I was so tired and just couldn't do it anymore, and she said it was hard for her to have me as a daughter becuase she doesn't know what went wrong with me and it's so frustrating to put so much money and effort into someone who just can't be happy no matter what. She asked me what I needed to be happy, and I said I couldn't and it wasn't anyone's fault.
She never admitted until this point that I disappointed her and made her upset, but I knew it deep down. It's okay, don't blame her, I'm a piece of shit and it's a miracle she and everyone else put up with me for so long.
>I self-harm and have an eating disorder. I harm myself without caring how this would hurt others emotionally or financially.
>I enroll and drop out of college compulsively. I also do this with therapy and other activities.
>I either don't take my psychiatric medication or abuse it. I've overdosed many times.
>I am rude to my family. I get upset when they try to talk to me and only reach out when I want money.
>I've never worked nor attempted to. I also don't do chores, not a single one, ever. I barely clean my room.
>I'm a shotafag and would rather draw and write fanfiction about fictional middle schoolers than do anything useful ever.
>I don't bring any happiness to anyone ever. I'm a bad and irresponsible daughter, friend, and lover.
>I'm terrible and taking criticism, following instructions, or being patient. I'm a woman-child through and through.
>I spent my formative years on 4chan and other shitholes. I am no different than a disgusting male in some regards.
Honestly, I should kill myself before final's week. I was thinking of drugging myself at the train tracks and get smashed while I sleep. I'm too much of a coward for anything else. I know my family will be sad but that will pass when they realize I was no more than a waste of space, if they don't believe that already.
Anonymous 116157
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>>116156I am loved and privileged and take it for granted. I'm not cut for adult life, I'm barely cut for staying alive. I'm unhappy, ungrateful, useless, spoiled, bratty, and manipulative. I wish I killed myself earlier.
Anonymous 116158
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>>116156The worst part is knowing that after you're gone they'll tell others (and maybe even believe it themselves,) "I wish she would have just come to me for help instead of committing suicide" and wishing they had that energy now
Anonymous 116160
>>116156i sometimes have bad spells like that, OP. im sorry to hear it’s been so tough for you. what are you studying in college? have you thought about places you’d like to work/done internships?
Anonymous 116161
>>116158Well, I've tried therapy and talked about wanting to die to some extent. So I think they do know how bad it's gotten, but have no clue how to help me. But yeah they'll definitely claim to "have had no clue" or cry about "not taking it seriously enough"
I dunno why they'd care, though. When it's clear I do no right.
>>116160I'm studying to be a software engineer. No interships or anything but I do have a github with some mild activity, but I think I'll end up a codemonkey considering I'm nothing special and there's 14 years old doing all sorts of useful software in pure C, or winning robotics competitions, or running their own servers, etc, etc.
Anonymous 116162
>>116156this entire thread is hilarious
people should really stop using anime images when discussing serious topics like this, it makes me unable to take you seriously kek
Anonymous 116163
>>116161no harm in starting off humble. you can do it! keep working at it, and be sure to get some internships. that’s how i got my first real job and learned a lot and made decent money.
Anonymous 116164
>>116163Thank you nona. I hope you're well too, take care.
Anonymous 116214
>>116156OK, you're a piece of shit. No use in whining about it. Think about how much it stings to be called that, think about how much it hurts and how much you want to change. Every single thing you listed here, fix it. Step by step, from the most miniscule to the biggest problems you have. You don't need to start all of them at once, you don't need to work every day, but put in EFFORT. Make a conscious, constant effort and get it into your skull that you don't want to be like this.
Start with work, with chores. Clean your room, help around. A clean living space is a clean mind. Get active. Get an internship. It's not over if you're still fighting.
Anonymous 116338
>>116156Don’t blame yourself, nona. You seem to be very mentally ill. It’s hard, hard asf. Surviving with serious mental illness is already a good achievement. You’re strong being able to go to college with this. You cry every day because you’re at your limit. Your mom is a heartless bitch. Seems like she is unable to feel empathy. It’s likely mostly her fault that you turned out like this. Taking care of a kids basic needs is not enough, every kid needs love, attention, support and validation from their parents. Even as an adult still it is important that your family supports you like this. Seems like your mom failed big time and now she expects you to function despite that. You should tell her, how she failed and if she would rather see you dead. I hope it won’t come to that though. I really feel you. You will find a way out. The linear way to live life is not for everyone. You will find your way. Be kind to yourself and believe in yourself. I believe in you too.
Anonymous 116339
>>116214How about you work on yourself first and fix your personality and attitude towards other people? Op didn’t insult anyone here, so she is clearly the better person. Why do you feel the need to do that? Seems like you got some issues. Shut your mouth and take a close look at yourself
Anonymous 116348
>>116339She wasn't rude, I am a little like OP and it's what she needs to hear
Anonymous 116354
You didn't ask for mental illness but unfortunately it's your adult responsibility to work through it to the best of your ability. You don't have to go from 0 to 100 in a day but you can at least start by being nicer to your family.
Anonymous 116364
>>116348Nope. Maybe it helped you but most people wouldn’t find that helpful at all. Continuing the cycle of abuse is never good and verbal abuse is abuse. We’re women, we should be above this. Don’t behave like some violent toxic moid
Anonymous 116379
I was all kinds of emotionally fucked up in my late teens and early twenties. I ended up graduating from college late because I was too depressed that year to take on a full courseload and every day I was having these compulsive thoughts about being worthless and having no future, so I get it, I've been there. It was a really gradual path getting out of that mindset, like years and years with what felt like a lot of setbacks. Basically I had to prove to myself that I was resilient, that I could take constructive criticism and improve, that I could accomplish things, and that I could maintain a social life (mostly through a hobby group, but it worked). It helps to start small and build on minor accomplishments. Forcing yourself to clean, exercise, socialize, and finish assignments is like necessary tough love for yourself, and you can get better and more consistent over time. Sorry I don't have better advice, I'm just trying to sum up what worked for me during those years.
Ironically, my mom would later tell me "You're proof of my failure as a mother" after I had gotten a second degree and a stable career. I realize she said that because she's a deeply fucked up person with her own issues, and I'm happy for what I've done for myself, regardless of her approval.
