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how should i break up with him? Anonymous 116362
i started talking to this guy online a few months ago and we hit it off pretty well. i told him from the start that i had no interest in a long distance relationship and he agreed. he came to visit my city and met up with me some time later and it went pretty well, but he told me he loved me and i wasn't ready to say that yet. we kept talking after he went back home, and he visited again two month later soley to see me. we did a bunch of stuff together and it was nice. But i found out he vapes, which he knew I hate and he just never told me. He also cried and begged me to stick with him/not leave him.
I also think we might not be sexually compatible. We made out but I said I wasn't ready to have sex but he kept trying to push me, and I went along with it until I had some kind of panic response when it got serious. He was really nice about it and didn't force me but I'm not sure if I'm downplaying this or not.
The thing I want to tell him is that the distance is too much for me. I've been feeling like shit when he leaves and I never wanted a relationship where I only get bursts of seeing each other instead of something more consistent. But I just don't see a future with him either and I don't know how we're going to work out really getting to know each other like this.
Mostly I'm worried he's going to kill himself if I leave him. He said he was fucked up about his ex for 3 years after she left him. And I mean the same thing happened to me but I''m not guilt tripping him about it… the more I write the more I realize I don't think I would have dated him if we had met irl lol
Can someone just talk some sense into me? Why am I so scared of hurting him? I can't keep dragging this out, but I have no Idea how to dump someone. This situation is so weird
Anonymous 116365
Just do it. Dump him. You do not want to get stuck in this relationship long-term. Just be like “hey, I’m sorry but this just isn’t working for me. I wish you the best but I’m just not the person for you.” Or something to that effect.
Anonymous 116366
>>116365I just feel such immense guilt about it. I want to let him down easy and I don't want him to feel like it's his fault, and I feel guilty for having led him on this long. I guess I wasn't certain until now but now it feels like it will hurt him more
Anonymous 116367
>>116366It
will hurt him, but it will also hurt you to stay in a relationship that’s dragging you down. Also if you don’t really feel the same way about him, it’s not really fair to keep him around when he could be finding someone in his own city that actually does. So really you’re doing him a favor too.
Anonymous 116385
>>116367How do I tell him? He is going to be completely heartbroken. I don't think I can do this to him
Anonymous 116393
>>116366It sounds like you’ve already mentally cut yourself off from the relationship. Sexual compatibility is important not to mention LDR is very difficult even in the best of circumstances. It’s concerning that he doesn’t respect when you say no, that would be a huge red flag for most. When someone says they will kill themselves if you leave, that’s a form of abuse/control. You aren’t responsible for his inability to handle rejection.
You could explain everything to him as you explained it to us. Just be upfront and honest about how you really feel. Yes he may be hurt and most people don’t want to intentionally hurt others, but ultimately it’s the right thing to do if you don’t want to continue this relationship. It isn’t fair to either of you to be tethered to a relationship that isn’t working out. I promise it is better to end things with him sooner than later, it won’t ever be easy even if you wait. In fact, it will likely only be more difficult if you continue to stew in all of this. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for yourself. Take care and keep us updated!
Anonymous 116394
>>116393Thank you. I've been building myself up to do it. I think I'll do it by the end of the week so he has the weekend to recuperate. I need to remind myself that even though I care about him a lot, doesn't mean the relationship will work.
Anonymous 116402
Serious answer: knife in the ribs
Socially acceptable answer: Tell him you don’t really feel the relationship is working and say you’d like to go your separate ways. Since he’s far away from you it’ll be easier to get rid of him, and if he comes back to your place call the cops
Anonymous 116405
>>116402He wants to call and I'm going to tell him tonight. It wasn't my plan but I've been crying all day and I can't live like this
Anonymous 116406
>>116402I did it. He called and I immediatley started crying but I told him how I felt and he was so understanding and kind and calmed me down and he cried too and he apologized about the sex but he said it's for the best. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders thank you guys I think I'm going to be fucked about this for months but god
Anonymous 116409
>>116402GOD HE TOLD ME AS WEE WERE BREAKING UP THAT HE LIKED ME BECAUSE I REMINDED HIM OF HIS MOM jesus fucking christ
Anonymous 116410
>>116406I'm very proud of you, nona. You deserve a relationship that's fulfilling and that makes you happy.
Anonymous 116411
>>116410He's all I ever managed to get I'm going to die alone
Anonymous 116413
>>116411You won't. Everything you've written oozes kindness, empathy, and emotional maturity. I think the only thing that's holding you back is that you're afraid to focus on your needs. You've taken the first step to fix that today, though.
Anonymous 116417
>>116413It doesn't feel like anything I've written oozes kindness, empathy, and emotional maturity. But thank you. I just can't win. Putting others first makes me feel like shit and putting myself first makes me feel worse
Anonymous 116443
>>116362I haven't been able to stop crying. What the fuck is wrong with me
Anonymous 116445
>>116443Nothing’s wrong with you! Break-ups are hard even when you know the relationship wasn’t good. It will hurt for a while, and then one day it won’t. Let yourself cry and get all those sad feelings out. This too shall pass.
Anonymous 116447
>>116445I feel like I'm wrong. I can't believe I did this to him
Anonymous 116448
>>116362I never even knew him. I barely saw his face. I don't understand why I feel so attached to him I need to get a grip he was just words on a screen
Anonymous 116451
>>116417He pressured you into sex despite knowing it made you uncomfortable and he tried guilt tripping into staying with him. Despite that, you still felt sorry for him. If that's not empathy, I don't know what is.
Anonymous 116455
>>116451We never went all the way and he apologized profusely. It didn't feel like guilt tripping it was just him being honest. He deserves better than me all I do is destroy things
Anonymous 116458
>>116455>we never went all the wayGood because it would have been rape if he hadn't stopped. Pressuring you was still extremely shitty.
I know you're completely lost right now, but I promise you it will get better soon.
Anonymous 116459
>>116458I'm going to make myself wait 6 weeks before I even consider contacting him again. But I still think somethings wrong with me. I am incapable of just being happy. I only looked at faults during the relationship and now I'm just miserable and alone again wishing I had what I took away from myself. The whole time I didn't want to be in a "it's better than nothing" relationship and didn't let myself get fully into it but now I regret it and wish I had just settled for it. I really won't find a better guy and I don't know if I deserve one
Anonymous 116462
>>116459The reasons you listed for wanting to end the relationships are all valid. The sexual differences, long distance making you feel miserable, and just not seeing a future together makes sense. The vaping thing is the only gimmicky part, I guess (though I would get suspicious if a guy lied to me about that). The fact you say "settle for it" really makes it clear your heart wasn't in it.
>I'm going to make myself wait 6 weeksI think that's very reasonable, nona. You need a bit of time to process everything.
Anonymous 116463
>>116462They felt valid before but now I just feel like I didn't try hard enough. But I feel like we wouldn't have even been able to properly work through it because of the distance either. I'm just so confused
Anonymous 116464
>>116463Whenever something ends, our dumb monkey brains will hyper focus on every positive aspect of the thing.
Anonymous 116466
>>116464youre right i just want it to stop. i have no one else to talk to about this and everything im seeing says i should've tried harder. i feel so stupid
Anonymous 116468
>>116466maybe I got love bombed. i basically only saw him in person for like 5 days total over the course of 5 months. I don't know how to date I'm such a fucking idiot
Anonymous 116491
gdfs.jpeg
>>116362Hey guys I just wanted to thank you for everything. I talked about this with a girl friend and she told me I was completely reasonable in ending it and it was normal how I'm feeling and that I'll be okay. I don't know If I'll ever find another guy but I'm glad I stuck to my guns and what I need instead of torturing myself in a situation that wasn't working for me. I know I don't feel good now but that doesn't mean I'll feel bad forever. Turns out talking to people and having friends is pretty good
Anonymous 116495
>>116468Makes sense that if your self esteem is "I don't deserve anyone" low, you'll end up falling for anyone that gives you attention.
>>116491Told ya!
Anonymous 116498
>>116495The whole time I was talking to him I was thinking I deserve better and now I feel so stupid. But I was addicted to the attention I think. I think I have commitment issues but I let it drag because I knew that it would never feel committed anyway. I wish I could have gotten to know him normally and in real life
Anonymous 116502
>>116498>I wish I could have gotten to know him normally and in real lifeBut you had said "the more I write the more I realize I don't think I would have dated him if we had met irl lol" in your op.
Anonymous 116504
>>116502I think I'm hjust having post break up delusions. I'm listening to a podcast and they're saying it's normal so I hope i can get over it
Anonymous 116507
>>116506Yea he was the first guy who ever pursued me, the first guy i've ever been on multiple dates with, the first guy who ever told me he loved me and thought i was beautiful inside and out and the only man who ever said I was hot
Anonymous 116510
>>116508Do you really think so? The way he said it was so sweet but I'd never met his mom and never got to see his relationship with her so idk. I don't want to be a mans Mommy
Anonymous 116511
>>116507Don't worry, there will be other people who will say and think the same. Though imo the first step is for you yourself to believe it.
Anonymous 116513
>>116511I know but how can i believe that if my whole life, only one guy ever thought those things
Anonymous 116514
>>116510nta, but absolutely dodged a bullet. men who verbalize that are narcissists who use women as "mothers"
Anonymous 116515
>>116513There are a lot things that can result in improving your self-esteem: becoming good at things (job, sport, hobby), working out, fashion, doing good aroubd you (volunteering, local politics), learning stuff, therapy, cultivating friend groups. Of course, it's a long process, and I'm only starting myself, but we can get there!
Anonymous 116516
>>116514it didn't feel like a red flag but I am retarded so i hope you're right
>>116515I had and have hobbies i did and do before i ever met him. but i'm not particularly good at them lol. I guess I have to jus tbe content with them bringing me joy
Anonymous 116533
>>116362I keep missing him. Logically I know I’m missing something we barely had but I miss him. It was easier to have just been alone and never known what I was missing without a relationship
Stay single girlies don’t ever talk to a man
