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RED FLAGS? Anonymous 116540
I've never dated before and need to know if this guy showed red flags. I would love any insight at all on any of these. I'm going to list some things he did or said in as close to chronological order as possible. But this all happened over the course of 5 months
1. spent years job hopping/bumming and smoking weed bc he wanted to be a rockstar after dropping out of college
2. got hired by his dad after a few years and moved back home(but works hard tbf)
3. generally just came on strong at the beginning, reading my tarot and saying i look like a saint/goddess
4.
5. told his whole family about me and showed them my pictures after the first meet up
6. told me he loved me the first time we met up, cried when i didn't say it back (i did not take this seriously but told him we could keep talking because he was crying)
7. said he was kind of autistic? (don't care)
8. has a cat (petty of me)
9. told me he liked me because i remind him of his mom while we were having a break up convo
10. would forget information i told him
11. would complain about food at restaurants as we were eating
12. didn't like spending money despite saying he wanted to spoil me
13. told me he felt we were going so slow when i felt he was going pretty fast for an online relationship
14. shared his poetry with me
15. had been on 4chan since 13
16. c section baby LMAO
17. Gave me BEARD BURN first date
18. I suspect he has a foot fetish
19. Told me he wanted to come inside me and get me pregnant on ~3rd date while we were making out
20. Had an anime girl boobie mouse pad, showed me during our first facetime ever
21. Never officially asked me to be his girlfriend, but referred to me as his girlfriend
22. told me he tried to masturbate to other things but always eventually ended up thinking about me
green flags
1. said i was more beautiful in real life, and that i was beautiful inside and out and kind and intelligent and too hard on myself
2. paid for everything and planned cool stuff with me
3. super understanding when i didn't want to go further with sex
4. fit
5. made me playlists
6. good kisser
7. got me gifts
8. never doxxed me
9. sang for me
10. grew beard out so he wouldn't give me beard burn again
11. very tall
12. good cuddling
13. super supportive of me, my hobbies, and my career moves
More context for those interested
We met online, talked for a week or two w/out knowing what the other looked like. he sent a picture, i was pleasantly surprised but after a few more i realized he wasn't the MOST handsome and that he hah really stupid tattoos. I sent some and he said i was really pretty, later on sent more and he was like oh you're so beautiful i need you etc etc. i didn't take it for too much because i knew i was just sending good angles. But we would text every day and voice call about once a week, sometimes watching a movie
We would do calls and watch movies online together. he came to visit a friend a month or two later and saw me, spent a day together
Booked another trip just to see me a month later. the trip rolls around, spent a whole day together, took me out to dinner, and just hung out being "normal", he tries to have sex before we leave and when we get back, i say no
next day we do some more stuff and i end up sleeping over and he tried to have sex again but i cant so we don't
Anonymous 116542
>>116540He sounds like another porn addicted scrote. Trash him.
Anonymous 116545
>told me he liked me because i remind him of his mom
>had been on 4chan since 13
Absolute no for me girl
Anonymous 116546
lol why would any woman want to end up with a 4channer is beyond me like is that not a huge redflag itself lmao
Anonymous 116547
Are you autistic or something? You need to run away from this moid at the speed of sound.
Anonymous 116550
>>116542He would tell me and talk about going on "no faps" for long periods of time for me
>>116545>>116546Yea fair but I was in no place to judge
>>116547I am not autistic but I am attention starved and he was very kind to me as well as vulnerable, never met a guy like that before and didn't expect a 4chan guy to go all Respect Wumen on me. In the end I think he truly was my friend and I cared a lot about him
Anonymous 116551
>>116540TO ADD:
He would always talk about how connected and compatible we are, how we want the same things (but we never discussed the future much outside of do you want kids one day, and he never seemed sure of the future either but he had business endeavors he was pursuing)
Anonymous 116552
>>116542He also said sex was very emotional to him and that he didn't like the idea of havign a roster like his friends did, which was a green flag to me because guys like that had fucked boyed and ghosted me before
He did really want to have sex with me, but he said it was because he wanted to be as close as possible to me
idk I am stupid. I don't know what men I should trust and if they mean what they say, but he seemed earnest and really willing to try a relationship with me
Anonymous 116554
>5. told his whole family about me and showed them my pictures after the first meet up
Red flag
>6. told me he loved me the first time we met up, cried when i didn't say it back (i did not take this seriously but told him we could keep talking because he was crying)
Red flag
>7. said he was kind of autistic? (don't care)
If genuinely autistic: leave
>9. told me he liked me because i remind him of his mom while we were having a break up convo
So you tried to break up with him or? also creepy
>13. told me he felt we were going so slow when i felt he was going pretty fast for an online relationship
Together with
>19. Told me he wanted to come inside me and get me pregnant on ~3rd date while we were making out
Massive red flag, I don't know how you didn't instantly block and run
And a bunch of other things I don't specifically quote don't paint him in a good light either.
Anonymous 116555
>>116554If these were rede flags why wasn't I more scared of them? Is it because I'm inexperienced? I never had a boyfriend before him
Anonymous 116561
>>116540What does it say about me if this is the only man who has ever loved me
Anonymous 116564
>>116540>8. never doxxed me How the HELL is that a greenflag!? Not committing crimes against you should be the baseline standard all humans should be expected to follow, not a special point in favor of someone for NOT doing.
Seems like you're trying to go out of your way to stack the green flag column with as many things as you can think of, because you've already decided you want to date him and or just looking to justify a retroactively.
Anonymous 116565
>>116555Ntayrt and yes it could be due to lack of experience and just not knowing which subtle flags could actually mean bigger things. If you don't have kind, trustworthy women in your life to get feedback from such as a mother, sister, or close friend then it's especially harder. Because you're stuck having to find niche spaces to talk about relationships online that will be in the corner of your interests without giving benefit of the doubt to moids–which in case you haven't noticed, is most spaces.
>i.e. I won't date men with catsWhy? Because unlike the reasons why women have cats, scrotes get cats because of their independence and what they perceive as generally low maintenance. Meanwhile the cats still shower them with affection for nothing. If they seem to spend a lot of time away from home, don't interact with their cats much, and have other signs of neglect like full shitboxes and low quality food, then extrapolate how they treat their pets as to how they would treat you in the relationship or god forbid your children. They're gonna expect you to be on your own just like those animals and then demand you show them affection for the bare minimums. I judge the fuck out of how a scrote treats his pets, I just know in particular that if he owns a cat that he may be looking for the same traits in a woman.
Anonymous 116567
>>116555in general someone trying to rush you into the relationship and moving too fast (acting like you're practically married after a few dates, introducing you to family immediately etc.) is a massive red flag. look up love bombing
a man wanting to get you pregnant asap is an ESPECIALLY huge red flag, you should be running away fast. it means he's trying to reel you in and put you in a position where it's harder for you to leave. he should be giving you time to think, not trying to push you into a long term relationship with kids and shit after 3 dates.
run for the hills. this man is bad news.
Anonymous 116568
>>116564Well he was an internet stranger when I started talking to him. I’m already not seeing him but I’m forgetting all the reasons I wanted to break it off now
>>116565He treats his cat nice as far as he told me, gets her fancy food notices when she’s sick etc
>>116567I figured it was just a fantasy he wanted to share, he did say he brought condoms and stuff but ya know. We never used them
Anonymous 116569
>>116567I guess he felt closer to me because we had been talking online a lot? The family thing really threw me off though. I don’t know why he did that
Anonymous 116572
Nona you’ve been posting about this guy too much. I get it though. You’re making up excuses in your head, focusing on what you liked about him, and feeling guilty for pushing him away, all because you want to see wholesome reasons for why he clung to you so hard. But remember these key points, his initial behavior is really all you need to focus on as it shows how desperate he is:
>He pushed a bond with you
No one truly “loves” someone after the first irl meeting. It is not healthy to say that, and it is so much worse to cry about it. He placed an expectation on you to reciprocate and comfort him, which takes advantage of your good will and concern by making you feel guilty if you don’t do something about it. You didn’t actually have solid reasons to trust him, and you clearly didn’t like him much, as you said you stayed in contact with him out of pity. It’s nice that you had good intentions, and maybe you did have decent moments later on, but that first meeting has kept you feeling indebted to him. Which can make you gaslight yourself into inflating good parts about him that are not actually that good. It really just boils down to him making you feel special with his “love” talk, and then preemptively making you feel guilty for possibly doubting him or cutting him off down the line. What’s going to happen if he cries later on over something? Will you submit to him again out of pity and guilt? You are not prioritizing your comfort or future by convincing yourself to be with someone you pity, and he is not respecting your autonomy by making you feel guilty if you have doubts.
>He wanted to make you vulnerable too early
The part about wanting to cum in you and get you pregnant makes this all so much worse. Again, you barely knew him enough to trust him much, yet he wanted you to be extra vulnerable with him. Even if it was just an impulsive sexual thing and he didn’t actually want a family, it still shows how impulsive he is. All he gave you up to that point was talk and attention, which amounts to you being tied to him for shallow reasons. All this time you were just being optimistic that your guilt will amount to something, and it’s clearly still making you doubt your relationship. Listen to that doubt. The basis of your relationship is that first date with him guilting you, and you cannot resolve it by continuing to be with him and hoping he won’t do that again. You will feel like a hostage, and it will drain you.
Anonymous 116574
>>116572Thank you so much for this response. I don’t know why I felt so fucked up over cutting him off. I think I had and have good reasons for having ended it. I think it ending on good terms also fucked me up a lot but I think we both agreed that it was nice while it lasted, but not sustainable. I think despite him not being right for me or not being perfect I’ll miss him still but I’m also glad I stuck my guts and got out of there.
I just feel so stupid that I fell for it. I knew he loved a version of me that he invented, and I wished that girl existed in real life. It’s hard to decider what was real and not because we did get along at the end of the day. There was some base level connection there but I don’t think it was realistic
Anonymous 116578
>>116540Wait
Why did he do this to me? Why did he act so normal except for when he didn't? He didn't have to go this far. What about me made him want to fuck with my head so much?
Anonymous 116580
>>116578Idk how to tell you this but males are retarded psychopaths lol. Do not trust any of them. You genuinely sound younger which makes me quite worried for you– do not put your full trust in a man especially if he is, well, a 4chan and fetishfag. Focus on yourself rather than looking for male partners this early. This man is a porn addicted scrote who genuinely only sees you in a sexual manner and does "sweet" things like making playlists in order to secure you and assure that you will see past his egregious flaws. Love yourself sweet girl. Do not let this man get to your head. Remove him from everything, block him, and LEAVE. Also, if he tries to suicide bait you ignore it. Men do this all the time because they love to manipulate women. Be strong and put yourself first, love.
Anonymous 116581
>>116580I'm not even that young I'm 22. Im a fucking idiot. I left him and he didn't suicide bait or anything he was actually really kind and reassuring. I don't know what he is but he isn't a psychopath I think
Anonymous 116583
>>116581Ntayrt but 22 is young. Regardless though it doesn't have to be as dramatic as him being a psychopath for him to just not be good for you in the long run. Him being a bit odd is sufficient. I'm glad he didn't try and make it harder for you. Chin up girl
Anonymous 116584
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>>116578There isn’t a secret key behind why men do what they do. It’s also not as simple as men being devils vs angels. His weird behavior is likely just a combination of desperation, thinking with his dick, loneliness, porn addiction, and similar things. You happened to conveniently show traits that made him act extra weird as he believed you’d tolerate it. Don’t blame yourself too much though, just reassure yourself to have more confidence and better boundaries next time and it will help in scaring off the weirdos.
Anonymous 116585
My bf has several mental illnesses and was similarly love-y and clingy and emotional on the first date.
The relationship has been a roller coaster, but I took it on with these blasting red flags because I knew I could handle it as I'm batshit insane myself.
If you are not a nutjob and want a peaceful relationship, yes, many of this guy's traits are red flags. Lovebombing, history of struggling to keep a job, substance reliance, and mommy issues are some basic ones.
Good luck dating!
Anonymous 116587
#1 best tip is watch how he treats his mother, this is a reflection of how he treats women.
Anonymous 116591
>>116583I'm plenty odd and he still liked me
>>116584I don't know why I'm still deluding myself with the idea that we couldve worked. I want to stop crying about him
>>116585In the end it was the distance that got me. I never really knew the real him I guess. But I wish we could've had more days together even if it would've ended badly. I don't know anymore. He made me feel less alone
>>116587I never got to see that
Anonymous 116596
>8. never doxxed me
what a gentleman
Anonymous 116608
Why is him owning a cat a red flag? Cats are amazing. If he hates cats, that means he hates respecting boundaries and consent. But other than that, yes its good that you noped tf outta there. Loneliness is better than seeing him trap you with a baby and experiencing his mask off abusive self.
Anonymous 116610
>>116596I was scared of that the whole time so I was pleasantly surprised at how much he respected my privacy.
Maybe I was just self sabotaging the whole time?
>>116608I just don’t like living with cats so that bothered me about any future situations but it was nice to see him be sweet to an animal. I never felt like he was going to force me to do anything he didn’t even force me to have sex
Anonymous 116616
If you don’t think there are any negative connotations with having a cat, and it is just that you don’t like to live with them, then that is not a red flag… it just means it is not your preference.
Not to be buttmad triggered crazy cat nona #32 or anything
Anonymous 116619
>>116616Yes I agree, it is a preference. He even went out of his way to reassure me that he loves dogs. So maybe it is a green flag
Anonymous 116627
Maybe I missed it, but how old is he, and how does he talk about other people he has dated?
Anonymous 116629
>>11662727, four years older than me
He only ever dated one other girl a few years back. He said they met on a dating app, she was freshly single and didn't want a relationship, so they were hooking up but it ended after a few months. He didn't talk about her other than being hurt when it ended with her, blaming himself for things he might've done wrong with her, or saying stuff like "I never did this or felt like this with her"
Anonymous 116642
I wish I knew what was real.
Anonymous 116643
>>116619so out of all these things, you interrogated him for owning cats? you have issues. dog people are so insufferable and cultlike
Anonymous 116644
>>116643I didn't interrogate him about it all. I told him his cat was cute and talked about her with him all the time. I just know that I cannot live with cats so it came up as an incompatablitly in my mind
Anonymous 116645
>>116540He keeps making posts about how much he misses me. But that he doesn't even really feel sad? I miss him so fucking much I feel like i need to be jailed
Anonymous 116652
Bitch please get a grip. You will look back on this and cringe in a year or two, I swear. Do something else, meet new people, do whatever you gotta do to not go back to this guy.
Anonymous 116673
>>116652YOURE RIGHT I KNOW I WANT TO MOVE ON ALREADY I’m really so blindsided by these feelings. I thought I would be happy once it was over I don’t understand why it’s been so hard.
I want to meet someone knew but that’s a low chance
Anonymous 116674
>>116673*new
Jesus sorry I just woke up
Anonymous 116685
Is it a red flag if a moid keeps inching closer while telling his unasked for story, and using hand gestures close to your face?
Is that a common thing moids do? Does it mean hes potentially violent?
For example, hand gesturing some traffic story, or sometimes simulating smacking my face while talking about something unrelated to me. It wasnt a bf or anything but an older moid sibling.
>>116673The brain is making new neural pathways, breaking up is like grieving a loss. It gets easier the more you do it. Just my theory.
Anonymous 116686
>>116645Making posts on what? Sounds like some cringe gaslight tactic.
Be mature and block him on whatever platform that is.
You need to find someone else, and, ultimately fulfillment within. GET OVER IT GIRL
Anonymous 116687
>>116685My ex would do that. Telling a story about something he saw, or when venting about people at work. He would say something like, "Ugh, that new guy, he just doesn't get it, somebody should smack him at this point," and then raise his hand to fake-smack the air by my face while talking. I hated it. A guy who does that may not be outwardly violent, but he certainly doesn't respect or understand physical boundaries in a social situation, and that is definitely a red flag.
Anonymous 116689
>>116685>>116687Sounds like someone who has trouble respecting boundaries, either from lack of awareness, or blatant disregard of the other persons comfort.
If not a power-play over them to feel in control.
It is definitely a red flag, and may escalate to being physical when provoked or when they think they have you in their grasp.
Anonymous 116696
>>116685IU don't even understand why I'm grieving. I don't think I can ever go through this again
>>116686I know i have to get over it… I really let him gas me up and now I'm a wreck because I've never had that before. I can't believe I'm grieving a lack of attention or friendship. Or Maybe I do love him
Anonymous 116703
>>116540I'm coping by watching videos that are saying he wasn't going at a healthy pace with me.
Anonymous 116740
>>116540Guys idk what happened but I feel so much better now
Anonymous 116759
>>116540Nevermind i fucked up my hair lol. God I miss him
Anonymous 116794
Guys he misses me I know he does and I miss him. What mental illness is this? All thius because I HUGGED A MAN????? ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REEEAAAL????
Anonymous 117433
>>116540been a month. still not over him still thinking about him constantly
