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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

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Did I make a mistake? Anonymous 117644

Hello nonas

I am curious if any of this sounds like avoidant attachment or ROCD on my end, or if I was justified in the break up?

I recently broke up with a boyfriend because I didn't want to date long distance. We had met online and in person a few times. I liked him a lot but I was adamant at the start that I didn't want an LDR, but we still kept talking and all that for a few months.

I was happy to accept all his attention and friendship but in my head I was always looking for reasons why he wouldn't be right for me. I never told him about these, because I never felt like our relationship was serious or real enough. I was looking for "red flags" and even found some, and I didn't like that I wasn't spending enough irl time with him to actually get to know him.

Apparently the whole time he had considered me to be his girlfriend. He told me he loved me the first time we met up (after only talking for a few months) I found this strange but told him I would keep talking to him. We kept talking and calling for a few months and he came to see me again. I had a good time but the whole trip I was looking for reasons to break up with him. I broke up with him after he had gone back home, saying the distance was too much for me.

I had been crying and upset before I even told him, and I was crying for a week after the break up. It's been over a month and I still feel bad about it. All those thoughts I had about him not being right are all gone. I miss his comfort and our compatibility, maybe our potential? even though I know that the LDR wasn't and wouldn't ever be enough for me.

I have had past experiences with avoidant behaviors and want to work on this. Still, I felt I pushed myself pretty far during this relationship. I have never gotten this far with a guy because either he or I always shut it down, because I either got cold feet or some other kind of anxious breakdown. Now I cannot stop blaming myself for having had a "this won't go anywhere" mindset the whole time, for not being honest with him, for not trying harder or for longer, for not giving him a real chance. I can't stop thinking about him, dreaming about him, looking through our past messages, and trying to "stalk" him on social media. I feel like an insane person.

I feel like I ruined a chance at true love and a good relationship.

I am going to wait a month or two and see if I still feel this regret but does anyone have any advice or insight? I don't have any friends or family I can talk to about this. If I do move on, how do I stay mindful of my bad habits?

Anonymous 117645>>117646

Why were you looking for reasons to break up with him while you were on a trip with him? It's understandable you don't want a LDR since those are complicated, but why even carry on with it if you weren't interested? You joined a LDR even tho you didn't want one, met up with him while wanting to find a reason to break up, then you broke up anyway?
You've gotta move on from this, and I don't think harping on the whatifs is helpful, but I think you did make a mistake, which was pushing yourself to be in a relationship you didn't even really want in the first place.

Anonymous 117646>>117650

>>117645
>Why were you looking for reasons to break up with him while you were on a trip with him?

I realized we were getting more attached to one another and wanted a good reason, that wouldn't hurt his feelings, to nip it at the bud.

I kept talking to him to see if something would change, I guess? I liked the novelty of it all and he was very easy to talk to. I had never had a boyfriend before. I got lucky. We did become good friends overall, and happened to be physically compatible. I liked that I liked him and I liked that he liked me.

>pushing yourself to be in a relationship you didn't even really want in the first place

I think you're right about that. I kept going with it to see how I really truly felt with him or to give him a chance. But I don't regret any of it. In fact, I wish we had had more time together

Anonymous 117650>>117652

>>117646
Well Nona, I'm sorry it ended like this, but I really do think you made the mistake here. You entered a relationship you didn't want to begin with, entertained the notion, went on a trip and then immediately broke up when you didn't find a good reason to call it off.
There's no use crying over spilt milk, and you can't really fix it now, but you should really focus on what you want out of a relationship. It seems to me like you kind of used him just to see what it's like to have a boyfriend, then got bored, now you're missing the feeling. That's not fair to both you and him, and you can't expect a good relationship unless you both put in the work.
I wish you the best, Nona.

Anonymous 117652>>117655

>>117650
Thank you!

I wasn't bored persay. I felt a panicky need to escape or let him down easy. I don't know how to describe it. I had made a list of all these reasons the relationship wouldn't work in the long run, but once I broke up with him I could only think about how much I liked him.

Anonymous 117655>>117657

>>117652
>I wasn't bored persay. I felt a panicky need to escape or let him down easy. I don't know how to describe it.
Ah, I get what you mean. Well, all you can do now is move on and try to learn from this, on the bright side you at least have a bit of experience on how these things kinda work

Anonymous 117657

>>117655
Thats the thing, I'm trying to figure out what I'm meant to learn from this. What if I get this way with someone I really want to be with one day? What if I can't escape the thought patterns? What if the lesson is that I should go back to him and make it work? I'm looking into therapy and stuff right now but mostly I just feel confused.

Anonymous 117665

>>117644
OH
What if he was my soulmate?

Anonymous 117675>>117683

You didn't make a mistake. You set out to grief the relationship and ended up getting exactly what you wanted, I noticed in your story you didn't mention anything about trying to make your LDR a full time in person one. Weird considering the only issue apparently is LDR and everything else tells me you really liked the guy.

>If I do move on, how do I stay mindful of my bad habits?

I feel like this is your real question. Accept that you're mentally ill and work to change. Otherwise you'll just keep being your own worst enemy.

Anonymous 117683

>>117675
We did talk about it and we came to the conclusion that any possible chance of moving to live close to each other was 4-5 years away. Niether of us have flexible jobs nor the money to relocate. I hated the idea of continuing to date long distance and then everything going sour after one of us uproots their entire lives for the other

Anonymous 117788

>>117644
Ope nevermind. He moved on right away to the next girl after me. This always fucking happens



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