/feels/ - Advice & Venting

havent posted on here in atleast a year or so but im hoping someone can give me some advice because i srsly dont know how to approach this any longer.

for context, my dad passed away right before my 13th birthday & its been a couple years since then so the grief is not too much for me
but ive been living with my mom and siblings since then until about 3 years after my fathers passing my mom moved a (friend of my fathers) into the home after speaking to him for only a month

its been awhile since this happened, and you would expect things would settle down but it feels as if its only gotten worse

ive been subjected to emotional and physical abuse by both my mother and her boyfriend, though her boyfriend is typically to himself

but my mom has become increasingly more narcissistic and aggressive over the years, often telling me and my young siblings she wished she never had kids

shes rarely home, and only takes out time for herself often leading to me watching and taking care of my siblings AND her boyfriend’s daughter whenever she is there too

all my mother does is belittle me and tell me i will amount to nothing but shes never helped me. taught me no life skills, doesnt believe in therapy or medication, everything ive done ive accomplished with my own spirit

im in no place to move out, as im preparing for uni which is going to run my pockets insanely

i dont know what to do anymore. my boyfriend tells me to stop arguing, but if i dont stand up for myself then i feel like a shell of a person.

hoping to move in with my boyfriend in a few years but im not going to look towards it as saving me, i dont wanna be let down with that as well

i feel like an orphan, even when my dad was there he was extremely physically and emotionally abusive.

my mom always makes sure to highlight the fact that i am “irresponsible” and “incapable”. even for the smallest things like leaving 7 minutes late for school.

my self esteem is so low i genuinely hate myself and have no confidence at all, i just want out.

what do i do? what can i do? my health insurance will not cover in person therapy, and online has not worked for me due to my environment.

and yes throughout the years i have tried my best to change myself, to do more for her, and to speak to her with understanding and grace. she never changes, and whenever we argue she will hit me and constantly repeat “dont care” over and over again.

TLDR; please, any advice with dealing with a narcissistic mother who will never change???