/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>120115
If you want kids in this day and age you either need him to make good money, or you could both make decent money. No matter how much you like his personality if he can't or won't change this for you then you're not fit to be together. If you stay with him longer you're just going to end up resenting him.

Hey nona I was like you. I have 3 degrees, worked for a year, absolutely hated it, dropped out of the workforce and am now a SAHM in training for my husband. We’re not ready to have kids yet since he’s still working on his career. Once he gets a well paying job and we settle into an actual house (we’re still apartment living), well start a family.

Everyone on my side of the family harasses me to get a job and that I wasted my education but idgaf, I’ve tried the working girl thing and I was the most depressed and mentally enraged and exhausted. I developed severe mental problems from working for a year. I have AVPD and severe social anxiety and despite my exposure to coworkers on the daily and my boss, I couldn’t rewire my brain to act normal. I was mentally exhausted everyday trying to appear normal and hide my bizarre personality quirks.

And so the easier option for me was to drop out and quit. Im now flourishing cooking, doing my hobbies, learning new recipes, learning new hobbies… researching on motherhood and child psychology.. I’m the most comfortable around no one except my close family tbh. It’s time well spent because I’m not a slave to anyone but my own desires and happiness now. And I have a very good husband so he’s happy as long as I’m happy.

His parents don’t know that I want to be a housewife. They’d probably get triggered over it because his moms a feminist from a long line of feminists. The stigma over being a housewife in the modern age is ridiculous. I don’t fit the stereotype of one and I’m not going to be a bruised and battered women.

I go to the gym and take care of my body and since I go at weird hours (10am-2pm) the retirees there always ask me if I WFH or am night shift and I just say “nope, I’m a homemaker” and they get flabbergasted because I’m so young (mid-20s). They ask if I have kids yet and I say no Not yet. Then they say snarky comments like “oh ya that is an important job. I’m sure you take good care of your husband” in a condescending sneering tone. Like I don’t understand why they’re salty about my choice in life??? I made a choice and it isn’t a mistake… but they act as if it is. They don’t know me. They don’t know my husband. It’s the best case scenario for myself.

I’d say my husband is from an upper-middle class family so he has no student debts, it’s definitely not a viable occupation if your husband isn’t for it and if he is abusive/toxic/controlling/retarded. Luckily for me my husband is a very good man and very smart and from an upper-middle class family so we are able to afford this lifestyle more so than the average American family. However if you are poor or middle class you can still do it, it’s just a matter of budgeting.

>>120115
does your bf not want to have children?? if so, then what's the point in being with him?

>>120136
He makes maybe 40k/year, and probably still will by the time I graduate. I'm not sure if just him working on that income will be livable or not while I have/raise kids. And buying a property seems so out of reach. You're probably right but he's good to me and I don't want to bite the bullet yet :( I have few friends and know I'll feel so alone and anxious. I'll talk to him more seriously first

>>120140
Thanks for sharing. That sounds like my dream. Aside from the harassment and judgement. You're so right about the unspoken stigma of being "just" a SAHM. It's such a poisonous attitude in the western world. There are few jobs that are more important. Good people who make the world better start from good parents. I'm glad you have the support and hope you enjoy motherhood.

>>120141
He didn't want to have children before dating me, but I communicated that I wouldn't date someone who doesn't want to be married and have kids, so he considered it and decided we could have a good family. When I talk to him about money concerns while raising kids, he says that it's not good for kids to grow up rich, because they take everything for granted. He grew up in upper-middle class and has 0 financial anxiety, but I'm about the opposite.

>>120143
40k is actually decentish. I thought he was literally doing nothing by how you described him. Maybe help him find something better paying. There are good paying low/no effort jobs if you do a bit of digging.

>>120115
>I know many women are career-oriented
We arent, we are just pretending.

>>120154
Not true, it’s expected of you to fend for yourself without a man and have a backup plan in case your marriage goes south. Usually this means being able to work to take care of yourself.
If your husband were to get sick, die early, go crazy on you and think you’re stealing money from him and harming your kids (Happened to a relative), cheating on you, disinterested in you, wants to KILL you or abusing you, what then?

>>120136
Well, it will be 40k when he starts full time, which will hopefully be in a few months. Right now he is just gaming and smoking half of the week so its easy for me to feel resent. On one hand I feel like he should be enjoying his free time but on the other I feel like he isn't trying hard enough.
As for finding him a job myself, I don't want to always be the one doing everything for him, and I feel very avoidant of falling into that. I already feel like I'm doing way more than him because of my busy life, outearning him, and wanting to do the housework/childrearing, so helping him out with stuff like that just makes me feel resent too.

Even if we could stay out of poverty with just him working, it feels like such a waste of our potential earning if I'm not working. I can't tell if I'm tweaking tbh

>>120165
Oops wrong @ I meant >>120151

>>120143
>He didn't want to have children before dating me
OK, now the story is clear.
Your bf doesn't want kids. He says that because of your words now.
He will be an absent father.
Your kids NEED a man who provides and raises and loves his kids.
There are men out there who can be that they just can't present themselves as good fathers.
If you want kids, break up with your bf. Your wasting time.

He grew up rich and you didn't and now he doesn't even value money. He grew up too rich to care now and that will make him a bad father.

I'm sorry that your struggling. You should leave him now. Trust me this guy won't lead you to a happy relationship.

There are a few men who actually love playing, talking and learning with their kids. If you want to find them, maybe look for a man who "would be willing" to be a stepdad, but who's single. Look for a "provider" type.

>>120167
Normally it's the man who takes the lead in driving the childmaking. Your bf is unfairly luck to have you.

Usually it's men who push towards childern and women who just agree.

You desreve at least a man who wants kids as much as you.
If your bf doesn't REALLY want it he won't be commited to his duty as a father.

I promise you, you can find a man who makes money and loves you for being his kid's mother.

Nothing less.

>>120165
He is lazy and doesn't want kids.

Okay op, so basically sounds like you need to leave. Your BF, for better or worse is a bachelor, he's comfortable and has no intention of becoming uncomfortable. Of you love him, I would give him a another 6 months, try to prod him in the right direction, make your desire to be a mother clear. I can tell you 40-50k isn't enough to raise a family on unless your willing to perma-rent in a bad neighborhood or move to nowhereville. If he's not willing to make any changes the year out, you need to walk, or you will wind up being those 30 year old couples still dating like teenagers posting furbabies on your timeline, or worse you get pregnant by him and then resent the fuck out of him for making the family live in poverty because he had no aspirations beyond what his bumble fuck job is now. A real man should want to provide and plan ahead for the nest, his "I don't want our kids to be snobs" is pure cope at best and bullshit to shut you up at worst.

That's not a good situation nona, when I told my fiance I wanted kids he almost immediately started looking for better work. We're even downsizing our wedding to save for a bigger house because we're both nerds and want space for kids and for our hobbies. Have you tried looking at jobs adjacent to your fields? Try checking Indeed, there's lots of jobs that literally just want a random degree and will train you in a complete different career, they just use the degree as a retard filter.

>>120167
>a man who "would be willing" to be a stepdad, but who's single.
This will get your kids molested.

>>120168
>>120170
>>120171
>>120172
Ugh yeah I think you guys are right… Thanks knocking some sense into me and giving me a better idea of a provider. It all gave me some major perspective. He really wasn't pushing for kids at all. And I really don't want to micromanage him for the rest of my life.

It's just scary breaking up and I want him to be okay, but yeah it's the right thing to do for me. Scared of being alone too. But I'll figure it out! Surely…

inb4 groomed into breakup by boyless neets

Did you break up with him?
Does he really want kids? Did he change his mind?
Can't he find a better job?
Please update.
I want to comment something on it.

I didn't know justpearlythings posted here.

>>120115
I will dump in my 2 cents but i am one of the rare autists that desires kids but the idea of "raising" them sort of disgusts me? Like having to take care of a literal retard for 18 years before they are able to understand what taxes and shit are sounds like absolute crap to what i am doing rn. So i ws out more for a "homemaker" typa guy that would cook and clean while i was out to work. I guess what i desire is to be a dad in a sense? But not an absent father, just not a traditional mother… anyway i found what i am looking for, as in he cooks and cleans and scolds me for being lazy in cleaning up my dishes after dinner. How the turn tables. You really gotta learn what YOU want in life and dont compare yourself to others. You think being a SAHM is scoffed at? Imagine a SAHD, lol lmao. I get constant crap on it by my family why my husband is not earning as much as me, its because I, ME, AND MYSELF wanted a parent in the house to take care of the children but i didnt want to be that person. I fucking hate child rearing but i do want children.

>>120397
It's completely fine for you to work and your man to stay at home, but if you see children as "literal retards" I strongly urge you to reconsider having any.

>>120402
Actual medically diagnosed retards are described with "the intelligence of a X year old" etc. Children are retards, just not permanent ones, just temporary. Hence why i dont want to dedicate my life to learning how to take care of one as expected of a full SAHM. Kids ARE retarded, just not forever.

>>120395
I broke up with him! And he messaged me a few days later saying he wants to focus more on getting a second job and investing so he can actually support me. Fucking LOL. I said that the whole relationship but he only changes when I leave. Classic. It's sort of sad for him, but there's no way I'd ever go back. I'm doing good now! I even found a new partner who is a thousand times smarter, more committed, and focused. It sounds like LARP but it's real. Never be afraid to leave!

>>120397
That's pretty interesting, and the social backlash sounds annoying as hell. I think it's pretty cool though. It's admirable you knew what you wanted and found it!

Having a phd at 25?! Do you realise how insane this is?! Congratulations you inspire me

>>120689
> I even found a new partner who is a thousand times smarter, more committed, and focused.
Tell us more so we can raise our standards

>>120692
Some people can skip masters and jump right into PhD straight from undergrad, very common for some STEM subjects (I.e. pharmacy)

>>120694
That is so cool. I don't think they allow it in my country.
Also I have now read the complete post and maybe phd is not nona's thing but I still admire you for it lol

>>120692
Aw… you are so sweet. Thank you!! I don't have it yet though! I was just good at getting good grades so I decided to stick with doing school. But I wouldn't recommend a PhD unless you are already extremely motivated to do independent research, and that is often difficult to gauge for a college graduate.

>>120693
The relationship is new but these are the biggest things: He's extremely intelligent, smarter than me, has a graduate degree, was crushing on me for years online, pursued me, writes me stories, committed to me instantly, buys me little gifts, predicts me well, responds instantly, already booked a flight to see me, listens and remembers, feels guilty when something hurts me and changes, makes me unbelievably horny, and just has an air of superiority. Obviously it's the honeymoon phase but I think these all are really great signs and I wasn't experiencing most of this stuff in my past relationships.

>>120696
>was crushing on me for years online
So you haven't met him in person? Uh oh…

>>120704
I met him in person once when we weren’t dating! But I agree that meeting up is important, and online relationships aren’t that real until you meet in person.

>>120711
As long as he will make more money than you I say go for it