Anonymous 120690
19 years old
I feel so ashamed every time I like someone and I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been asked out by a moid. I thought that once I entered later teenagehood, that these relationships would be thrown at me inevitably. However, the only people that have asked me out were other women and for the most part, none of them I wanted to be with. I have tried to make subtle advances on guys before even though I dislike doing it because I'm a freak with aspergers and can't handle myself well, but none of them have really reciprocated in a meaningful way.
There's a coworker I have at my job who is one year younger than me and I can't stop myself from thinking about him. He's not someone outstandingly unachievable and attractive, he's on the shorter side (under 5'10) but his face is so fucking beautiful, I can't even look at him unless we're talking. I hate myself so badly for liking him, yet I can't help myself from thinking about when the next time will be that I'll get to talk to him, when I'll get to see him, what he's doing.
I'd like to think I'm not super unattractive, maybe cripplingly average instead and perhaps it's just my lack of social skills that has done me in when it comes to relationships. I have received compliments from guys before (mostly older), have even been catcalled. I'm pretty underdeveloped for my age I guess, I'm shorter than average and underweight. I've been told I seem like I'm a very awkward person and hard to talk to before by a guy as well. I used to get made fun of a lot when I was younger but I think I grew out of a lot of the stuff I got made fun of for after puberty.
Despite that, I still don't have a boyfriend while all the other girls my age have boyfriends. I don't even have any irl friends as I was very truant in school and ended up being transferred to an online program (though that's another conversation), so I lost all the ones I did sort of have, yet I felt like they were always only friends with me out of pity. I always feel so terribly guilty and horrible every time I begin to like someone, like I've telepathically molested him just by having feelings for him. I can't ever shake this feeling of shame that makes me extremely depressed and I just end up convincing myself I don't stand a chance.
A lot of the time I tell myself that it's not worth it because it'll end up being more trouble than it's worth and that I'm too asocial and weird to be a good girlfriend to anyone. I always feel way uglier after I begin to like someone, that I'm some unlovable freak. I feel like there's too much that I hate about myself and my current situation for me to bring in another person. I can't stand myself, but I still take the luxury to think that there could be something between me and him. I'm sure he probably already has a cute girlfriend as he's fairly outgoing and nice to everybody and he's doing so much better than I am at his age, he has friends and everything laid out for him. I feel like I'm only torturing myself by having these feelings for him and that I'm a fool for even thinking I could enjoy something like that in the first place knowing myself.
It feels unfair, not that I can't have someone but that my mind traps itself in this cycle of developing feelings for someone and then torturing myself over them. I want him to be mine so badly, but I feel like it's unreasonable. There are so many other cute girls, even at my job, he could have over me, so what's the point in me even being happy and excited to talk to him? I feel like if he did ever figure out that I liked him, he would be super disgusted. I don't know why I do this to myself, I would be fine being alone if it weren't for this stupid impulse in my brain that makes me think I could be like everyone else. Does anyone else feel like this? Is it even slightly normal to be this reclusive at 19 as a girl, or am I just fucking ugly? Sorry for the wall of text.
Anonymous 120691
Nona I'm 19 too and a social recluse that has never had a bf. I was fat up until 17 so the whole dating thing was never for me. I do have a more extroverted side that I had to develop and if I were you I would start with talking with women and then talking to men. You need to fake it till you make it. Since you have aspergers you need to study about social clues in human conversations. There are books I think that you can find on this.
Also join a dance class even if you are hitting the gym. Being surrounded by women moving their bodies in a fun way will definitely loosen you up and take the stiffness out of you. I like belly dancing but want to explore more so maybe I will start classical. If you cannot join one then learn from youtube. This is a bit esoteric but women should move their hips regularly in a free sensual way to music of choice to de stress. Stay hydrated!
Anonymous 120699
>>120691Thank you for your advice. To be honest, I don't have any female figures in my life that I can talk to readily. I don't have any female friends at all anymore, even online, though I desperately want them. I feel very shy when I talk to other girls and almost afraid but I desire them in my life. I'm still actively trying to find another girl/girls, preferably being like the friends I had before.
As for the stuff about social cues, I think I get by just barely by mimicking what I see other people do, however there will be points where too much of myself slips out and I embarrass myself. I've done this countless times, even with the coworker mentioned. It's like I just start saying whatever comes to my mind to fill the silence without thinking.
About the gym and dance classes, I think it's a particularly good idea. I get wound up a lot and I find that repetitive movements or exercise helps, though I'm a bit too nervous to approach stuff like a gym yet. I used to bike a lot but I kept getting into weird ass encounters with people (like people yelling bizarre shit at me from their cars) and it got to a point to where I just didn't want to do it anymore.
Anonymous 120700
I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 21, now I'm married. Yeah it's embarrassing but things change.
Anonymous 120705
>>120690>he's on the shorter side (under 5'10)This made me laugh lol.
I'd say don't worry about it. Being social is a skill you can always improve if you want to.
Anonymous 120706
>>120690Teen relationships rarely last. You dodged a bullet.
Anonymous 120715
>>120690I also struggled a lot with those feelings of shame. I'd compare myself with some ideal version of me that had used every opportunity, done everything right, whatever. The perfect me. And I'd think: "I deserve nothing, because I failed to become that person." That's not what life is, though. Everybody could have done better. It's about learning from your mistakes and improving little by little–building momentum in the right direction. You aren't undeserving of a love because you're imperfect at 19 years old. I can't really help you with social awkwardness, but I'll second the recommendation of getting some exercise. The body controls the mind more than the mind controls the body, so get yourself some feelgod chemicals that way and you'll probably feel a lot better about this crush.
