/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>121483
Just be honest, tell him that he helped you beyond words and that you’re extremely appreciative of his support. Really beyond that there’s not much more you can do he’s going through something deep right now and you can only be there for him, also is it possible for you to move in with him, it could help having someone around consistently.

>>121487
I’ve thought about that, but my family dynamic is kinda weird… I’m already using /feel/ as my therapist, so I might as well talk about it.

My relationship with my siblings is kinda weak all around, but it’s really bad with my older brother. The one under my eldest brother, and since he is already making trips every other day to his house, that puts me in a weird spot.

Growing up, my older brothers and younger sister kinda formed their own cliche and my younger brother and I had our own. My younger brother would always tease my older brother for being “retarded” since he was socially awkward and I sometimes joined in. I know it was stupid and wrong, but I did and looking back it always hurt him really bad. I obviously stopped, but I also never extended an olive branch. I think he tried to hid the fact he holds a grudge over it, but he clearly still holds a grudge over it. He rarely talks to me and our few interactions since highschool have not be great. Everyone benefits from the family side hustle, but pretty much all the work was done by my older brothers. Now it’s just my older one. My younger brother and sister would at times invest some money and time, but because I didn’t help, my older brother would get angry at me. It’s free money, so I can’t complain, but I feel like he is the reason I get the least money out of the 5. They built the passive source of income, I didn’t.

I think if I asked to live at my eldest brother’s house, he would think I’m just trying to freeload off my eldest at his darkest hour. I haven’t given everyone much of a reason to think otherwise. My older brothers are best friends, so he does more good than I would anyways. The really sad part is that even though my younger brother was the one who really started shit with my older brother, they have now completely made up and are super close. I hate to admit it, but I think the reason is because he grew and became a better person and I didn’t. My older brother and I are similar a lot of ways. We are both way too old to still be single and loners. We probably could have used each other’s help but I was mean to him. Beyond the money from the family side hustle, he had lent me some money I never paid back now that I think about it. He is a nice person too, and I wonder if I played a part in why he is socially isolated beyond the family. I’d probably blame mommy issues more than anything, but still.

Damn, I hate this. I don’t know how to explain this, but there is this certain bond that seems unique to brothers. It’s like they trauma bond and even if they are at each other’s throats 90% of the time, they’d drop everything to help eachother out. If there is a sister equivalent, I wouldn’t know because i never really developed a good relationship with my sister either. If my older brothers decide to hang out at the gym, on hiking trails, or just exploring random towns, what would even be the point of me being at my eldest brother’s house. I can’t do any of that. Literally the only reason I can think of to justify living with my elder brother is that his wife did all the cooking and I’d be the only one in that house who could cook anything past ground beef and canned chicken. Even then, that sorta feels manipulative. I’d need to get a new job too…

I guess I could try apologizing to my older brother and then telling my eldest brother how much he means to me… both are probably over due. I don’t know how to put my feelings about this into words. It’s like I’m only now realizing I’m the problem and everyone else was either trying to help me. Are words even enough? My eldest brother is suicidal. My second oldest is weird and alone. My younger brother wants nothing to do with me. My young sister is disappointed in me. This isn’t just my family, they are the closest thing I have to friends. How did I mess up this badly.

>>121495
At this point i’m pretty sure that most of your siblings are going to be willing to forgive past mistakes in order to help your brother , especially if you’re willing to acknowledge your past mistakes and to talk to them. Also have you ever talked about this with your siblings.

>>121516
Not really. They are sorta recent revelations.

>>121523
Honestly I’m in kind of the same boat, being the failure of the family and having a bad relationship with all my siblings and I’ve come to terms with that, but unlike you I don’t really care to mend those relationships because it feels impossible, most of the tension in my relationship with my siblings comes from childhood, which seems almost baked in too every interaction we have, it feels like it would be less rebuilding those bonds and more creating them, which would be a task that requires both parties to be willing to put in the effort when neither do.

Like i said I’ve come to terms with that and have chosen to just remove myself from their lives, not that they seemed to mind anyway, and accept that abuse and neglect affects different people in separate ways and that most of the shitty ways we treated each other was just children trying to put together the pieces of their psyche while raising themselves.

Sorry if this comes across as bleak, dont take a random person online as a preacher of the only way to live your life.

I kneel, I squeal, my siblingship isn't real

Why can't you help clean his house too? Or mow his lawn? Maybe buy his groceries? You could meal prep like 3 frozen meals for him each week.

Come on, think of something.

>>121561
I couldn't mow his lawn, it's pretty big and on has a big hill part. I guess I could make him some meals. As for cleaning his house, the tension between my other siblings who are there a lot and I will probably thick enough to cut. I'm a little scared to deal with that. I should though, so I guess I should just suck it up. Maybe it would be a good way to do as this Nona said >>121516

I remember this time when my younger brother was trying to start a fight with my second oldest brother and after catching him, threw him through a fence. My brothers remember these kinds of events fondly, but that sort of stupid moid stuff always scared me. I think it’s because they didn’t have a mother figure and they communicate very physically. I had a dream last night where I knocked on my eldest brother's door and my second oldest picked me up and throw me into a china cabinet. He would never, but I think subconsciously am really nervous about this situation.

They like lasagna. "A way to a man's heart is through his stomach", right? Couldn't hurt.

>>121567
I’ll head over tomorrow. I’ll give you nonas updates as to whether I’m thrown out a window or I’m actually useful.

>>121567
Hope it all went well at the visit. The aggression between each other is just a moid way of exploring boundaries, very important. My mom used to intervene between my brothers when they were fighting as kids because she was uncomfortable with it and they've sort of become enstranged as a consequence, it's sad because they could've been best friends.

>>121624
I think they did. sorry my posts have been sloppy. I usually only post here after drinking a bit. I’ll try to write more clearly to the 3 people reading my posts XD. Even if no one actually cares, it kinda feels therapeutic writing about it, even if I’m not the one suffering most here. Also I’m going to be super rambly here, so sorry in advance. Also I know its probably obnoxious having me refer to my brother by older and young, but if I use a fake name, I’ll probably start using their real ones by mistake.

So, I showed up at my eldest brother’s house last evening. When I pulled into his driveway, I saw my second oldest brother since he was outside laying down a bunch of stones to make this terraced garden thing. In high school and college, he had a job in earthwork/construction, so he is pretty good at that sort of stuff even though he works in a lab. He zones out really hard with headphones and he didn’t notice me until I was right next to him. I spoked him and he dropped a big stone on his foot, but he was cool about it after rolling around in the dirt for a bit. He told me he was trying to make a cool new garden for my eldest brother because he wanted a nice garden and to change things up to remind him less of his wife and kid. I guess that makes sense, although I’m not sure why he doesn’t just move from that house if it’s that much of an issue being there. My older brother did not pick me up and threw me into a piece of furniture, so thankfully my dream about that was no prophetic.
When My older brother and I went inside, and my younger brother and eldest brother where inside playing call of duty zombies. I think my younger and second oldest brother carpooled after work to head over to my eldest brother’s house. My sister wasn’t there that day. For about 2 or 3 hours, we played zombies. When we were teenagers, we’d play zombies a bunch since my eldest brother bought a Xbox 360. I never liked playing it much, but because COD was the only game my brother would buy, the area I was in was too rough to run around, and I had no friends, it was one of the few things I had to do growing up for fun. The only person who hated it more than I was my second oldest brother. He owned a computer as a teenager that he’d play his own games on and was willing to do stuff outside by himself, so he never got as good at the game as the rest of us. We spent a good chunk of the game yelling at him, playfully, for being bad at the game. For any Nonas who played black Ops 2, the map of choice this night was origins. It really reminded me of when we were kids. I know my upbringing wasn’t perfect, but I wish I appreciated those moments more when they happened.

So, after a few rounds, I remembered that I brought some lasagna. I brought it out and they set up the table for dinner. Again, it felt sort of like when we were a big dysfunctional family. I was hoping the tray would last a few meals, but they scarfed the whole thing down in a few minutes. I’m happy they enjoyed it, but it would have been nice if they took some time to actually taste it. There was also a bit of drinking going on at this point. My younger brother has been tapping into his wine cellar a lot ever since this situation happened. Only my younger brother and eldest brother drink, but my eldest has a way of making everyone else around him take a few sips. I think we were drinking vodka. From this point, the night starts becoming hazy.

>>121636
So, we start a fire in a firepit in the backyard and just hang out. We talked about some childhood memories and our family. It was pretty calm and nice. Eventually, my eldest brother gets messed up and My brother carry him to his room. Only my older brother came back out since my younger brother decided to pass out too. Things became pretty awkward since we weren’t talking, and he kept going over to the stick pile to keep the fire going. I don’t remember how, but we started talking about our lives and what we were going to do about our elder brother. He told me something about his old job being willing to taking him back, since he was one of the few people at the port who could get things done. I suggested we try to find him someone else to start a family with, but he said that it would be a bad idea. He also poked fun at me about being too alone myself to be a good wingwomen anyways, but I thin he wasn’t being mean since he doesn’t really have any relationship experience either. I have a lot of trouble reading him, especially when drunk. I remember asking him if I should go to the gym with everyone else and he told me I could but that I probably wouldn’t like it. He said he was going to try to find a beach or hiking trail this weekend, but I said I probably couldn’t make it. Not sure why I said that, but I did even though I never have anything going on. At some point we just start throwing asmany sticks and leaves as we can on the fire to try and make it huge. Then I remember sitting down and resting my eyes and waking up on a couch.

I’m 90% sure I was carried inside but I can’t remember for sure. I don’t know if this is weird, but I enjoy it when you smell like smoke and wood after being around a fire. I called out of work today because I was still kinda buzzed when I woke up and I hate my minimum wage job. I’m still at my brother’s house and I’m probably about to play zombies again in a few minutes as of writing this. I already cooked up some dinner with the help of my younger brother. I want to tell them I will go with them to the beach or whatever. My sister is coming too, so it would be super fun, I think. Idk, this whole situation feels weird, but I think I’m happy. I’m going to try and talk with both of my older brothers some more.

>>121636
>>121637
So it sounds like you were actually useful Nona, you did very well! I'm sure they all appreciated having you there. And yes, you should totally go to the beach with them.

Updates?

>>121637
Sounds like it went way better than you expected