>>121487I’ve thought about that, but my family dynamic is kinda weird… I’m already using /feel/ as my therapist, so I might as well talk about it.
My relationship with my siblings is kinda weak all around, but it’s really bad with my older brother. The one under my eldest brother, and since he is already making trips every other day to his house, that puts me in a weird spot.
Growing up, my older brothers and younger sister kinda formed their own cliche and my younger brother and I had our own. My younger brother would always tease my older brother for being “retarded” since he was socially awkward and I sometimes joined in. I know it was stupid and wrong, but I did and looking back it always hurt him really bad. I obviously stopped, but I also never extended an olive branch. I think he tried to hid the fact he holds a grudge over it, but he clearly still holds a grudge over it. He rarely talks to me and our few interactions since highschool have not be great. Everyone benefits from the family side hustle, but pretty much all the work was done by my older brothers. Now it’s just my older one. My younger brother and sister would at times invest some money and time, but because I didn’t help, my older brother would get angry at me. It’s free money, so I can’t complain, but I feel like he is the reason I get the least money out of the 5. They built the passive source of income, I didn’t.
I think if I asked to live at my eldest brother’s house, he would think I’m just trying to freeload off my eldest at his darkest hour. I haven’t given everyone much of a reason to think otherwise. My older brothers are best friends, so he does more good than I would anyways. The really sad part is that even though my younger brother was the one who really started shit with my older brother, they have now completely made up and are super close. I hate to admit it, but I think the reason is because he grew and became a better person and I didn’t. My older brother and I are similar a lot of ways. We are both way too old to still be single and loners. We probably could have used each other’s help but I was mean to him. Beyond the money from the family side hustle, he had lent me some money I never paid back now that I think about it. He is a nice person too, and I wonder if I played a part in why he is socially isolated beyond the family. I’d probably blame mommy issues more than anything, but still.
Damn, I hate this. I don’t know how to explain this, but there is this certain bond that seems unique to brothers. It’s like they trauma bond and even if they are at each other’s throats 90% of the time, they’d drop everything to help eachother out. If there is a sister equivalent, I wouldn’t know because i never really developed a good relationship with my sister either. If my older brothers decide to hang out at the gym, on hiking trails, or just exploring random towns, what would even be the point of me being at my eldest brother’s house. I can’t do any of that. Literally the only reason I can think of to justify living with my elder brother is that his wife did all the cooking and I’d be the only one in that house who could cook anything past ground beef and canned chicken. Even then, that sorta feels manipulative. I’d need to get a new job too…
I guess I could try apologizing to my older brother and then telling my eldest brother how much he means to me… both are probably over due. I don’t know how to put my feelings about this into words. It’s like I’m only now realizing I’m the problem and everyone else was either trying to help me. Are words even enough? My eldest brother is suicidal. My second oldest is weird and alone. My younger brother wants nothing to do with me. My young sister is disappointed in me. This isn’t just my family, they are the closest thing I have to friends. How did I mess up this badly.