feeling trapped in my relationship Anonymous 123132
I really need advice on what to do and how to proceed. I feel so stuck and like I can't leave this relationship. This is my first relationship ever and she's around 4 years older than me and has had multiple previous relationships that I feel like she's still not over. Initially in our relationship, all we would talk about would be her exes and how bad they were to her and a lot of information about her time with them, mostly bad things. She would still start her diary entries with her first ex's birthday, who she started dating in highschool. And most importantly talk about how leaving those relationships wrecked her emotionally. She has a very strong fear of abandonment that I just feel so trapped by. I had rejected her multiple times in the beginning but she kept pursuing me and I feel like I gave in to a relationship I never wanted.
I don't know if any of that matters now. I just don't know what to do, I feel so miserable in this relationship and whenever she talks about how she wants to be with me forever I just feel this paralyzing wave of anxiety and fear. I've performed complete self-abandonment. She says things like she wouldn't have survived this or that without me, I'm the only thing keeping her going, the only light in her life, and it just keeps me in this relationship. She's implied many times she will be extremely damaged if I leave and try to hurt herself, and that's not just jokes because after her last relationship ended, she tried to take her life and also on multiple occasions put her safety in jeopardy, fell into a drinking and drug problem (which she has since managed to heal from), and when we were first talking, she had also been talking to her ex, and from all she's told me, she's basically never been single since she was 16. I've always been single and I really enjoy my solitude and I want it back. I'm just so scared, this relationship makes me cry everyday. Recently she could tell I'd been extremely out of it emotionally, and we had a talk about being honest to each other and 'forgetting' our mistakes of the past. That include her discussing opening our relationship, said she 'felt something' for some moid, telling me she can't rely on me for jack because I fell asleep late at night instead of checking on her because she was out drinking with friends, among other things.
I don't even care about all that. I do love her and care about her a lot. I just don't know what to do but this relationship is eating at me. I feel like I'm responsible for her wellbeing, she says she's 'holding on' for me, and it's just too much. So I just pretend everyday. I'm not a good person either for not being honest and keeping her hopeful, like that's so evil.
What do I do? I feel definitely I'm the bad person in this relationship, because she's honest and I'm not. And I should've spoken out earlier and it's kind of too late now, and I'm scared how she will take care of herself if we separate and how her trust in me and being betrayed will hurt her so much and make her future relationships tainted.
Anonymous 123133
>>123132I would just leave her unless you want to work things out. really shouldn't mention past relationships unless it is necessary to the convo
Tell her it's stressing you out and if she can't change then it's not it.
Anonymous 123135
>>123133>really shouldn't mention past relationships unless it is necessary to the convoWe had a conversation about it early on, because every single time we talked it would round back to her exes, every single time. Nowadays, she does bring up her exes but not as often at all and she prefaces it by saying "I know you don't like to hear about my exes but.."
It is stressing me out, but I don't know how to approach this at all. She also doesn't like being referred to in female terms, so no girlfriend, she/her, girl, but I've just accepted that and call her partner, don't care about it that much.
Anonymous 123147
>>123135>she prefaces it by saying "I know you don't like to hear about my exes but.."Then stop her right there. Put your hand up and say "That's right, so don't" Sounds like she does not respect your boundaries and you need to let her know that it is a deal breaker.
Anonymous 123171
She told me yesterday if/when I leave her she will leave a suicide note for me after she's dead so that I will finally know how much she cared. How does she not see how fucked up that is?
Anonymous 123174
>>123171That is a manipulation tactic. She knows its fucked up because she thinks its working on you.
Anonymous 123176
>>123171or she could show how much she cares right now in this world if she really does :)
Anonymous 123181
>>123179
Until you set boundaries, communicate them to her, and then enforce them she will continue to do this. I understand if you feel you are not able to but you need to either have her stop this or get away from her. This is not healthy.
Anonymous 123185
>>123176People who care don't fucking unalive themselves over a relationship, this is such an manipulative moid thing to do.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_of_passion Anonymous 123188
>>123185yeah, that's my point. if she truly cared she wouldn't need to kill herself to prove it.
Anonymous 123196
>>123171Even if this was the only thing I knew about her I'd say RUN
RUN
even if she actually kills herself (she won't lol) RUN
It gets worse from now on
And if you stay she'll absolutely take control
This is your first relationship and it shows, if you had been with someone before you would know how fucked up and unacceptable this is. Sorry, but you're with a dangerous and completely undateable crazyperson that anyone who has an idea of what relationships can be like wouldn't tolerate a second
You did a huge mistake by being with this manipulator because when you dump her, preferrably asap, you will not erase her from your life and she'll keep terrorizing you. This id life though and you have to live with the consequences of your actions
And I repeat again, run, you don't even need to think about it, if you look at your "relationship" from a third persons perspective you'll be shocked
Anonymous 123258
Sorry nona, but you pretty clearly got groomed by a bpd predator. No means no, and "pursuing" you after you rejected her the first time is really just her pushing your boundaries.
I would do everything to go cold contact with her. Just say you're over and block her before she can even respond.
Anonymous 123284
>>123196>>123258It just feels wrong to do that to her. I know she loves and cares about me and she would feel horrible, so bad, being discarded like that. She's been treated badly before and I don't want to be another person who hurts her. I cannot do that to her, but I can't keep up like this either. She can tell I've kind of checked out and we haven't been talking really, much less seeing each other. Like, I genuinely see her love for me and I do love her too, but this relationship just doesn't feel good. I would leave her and wish her all the best, but leaving her is in her words, the worst thing I could do to her and would hurt her immensely so I just don't know. I'm not out to anyone so I've never talked about our relationship with anyone to get another perspective either. I feel scared to talk to her, so I've been avoiding her like a coward.
Anonymous 123285
>>123284nona, your life is your responsiblity, her life isn't. unless you groomed her or want to cheat on her or whatever, it's not cruel at all to leave her, but it is cruel to yourself to stay with someone who threatens suicide and manipulates you. she does this not because she cares about you, but because she wants your resources, like attention, time, etc.
so are you wrong to think she still cares about you in some capacity? no. but that's kinda how a lot of abusers are, they care a bit, but ultimately it only serves for them to destroy you for their selfish ends.
if it helps, you can think about it this way: this relationship is hurting her too because she's forcing herself to stay with someone who's suffering with her.
