>>124413>>124412I can't really blame my mother. She really is a poisonous little troll. I've all but cut contact with her since graduation. She didn't turn up to my graduation which, again, cruelly poetic considering I told Harley not to when he was so excited about going to my HS one and bought a ticket to it.
I can't blame her because at 18/19 years old I should have known better. Nobody grows up thinking their parents are bad people if they're good at the whole "it's for your own good" thing. But I've had many years to look back on what she was like growing up. I remember what it was like being under her roof. Everything was controlled. We're talking about a woman who would call me a fatty if I had an extra ladle of miso soup and would give me evil eye and ask me if it was a "stupid girl day" if I didn't immediately start my homework when I got in from school. It wasn't until many years later that I learn how abnormal it was for her to go through my closet and throw out anything she deemed ugly, old, revealing or distasteful. She also had that worm of a man go through my computer and I'd be quizzed about having no internet history and they'd take it if they suspected I was "misusing" it.
Even so. My hatred and anger was completely misdirected. She probably didn't even hate Harley. She likely hated that I was disobeying her and used his looks and status as a lightning rod to make me feel bad about it. Sly considering that if she came out and said "You're not dating that boy. I forbid it." she knows I'd have found ways to defy her. Sly.
She used to use that worm a lot too. I used to be afraid of him. He had a temper when it came to me and mom always backed up that behaviour. I recall that him breaking the cable box outside, blamed me for leaving my scooter out, and slapped me when I told him that he was lying and it had nothing to do with it. He cut the cable with the strimmer. Many cases like that growing up.
I've rambled on about her long enough. Sorry. My point is that all the signs were there growing up. I just wasn't seeing them. I let her manipulate me because it was easier to go along with her control rather than constantly challenge her. I can't agree that I was set up. I should have known better and been stronger.
>>124413It's been so long that the line is blurred, but I'll tell you this. I can't recall even one time he ever snapped at me, coerced me, begged me, berated me, bullied me, pushed me or made me feel bad. Not once. I remember trying my hardest in college to think of something I hated about him and I just couldn't.
Yes, he smelled funny, he was an industrial janitor and he didn't have time to shower or many clothes to change into. He was fine on days off.
Yes, his clothes were worn out, as i've said before, he used almost all of his money to buy things for his little sisters and help his mom, he kept hardly anything for himself.
Yes, he was tired all of the time, but ANYONE would be, the poor kid got up at 5am most days, went to work, went straight from work to school on a bicycle or bus depending on the weather, did a whole school day and then went straight back to work until 9pm-10pm. Then had to take a shower, do homework, eat dinner and go to bed. He had it rougher than basically anyone I knew. Of course he'd be falling asleep any chance he could.
Yes, he was skinny. I could hear his stomach rumbling but even if he did have food, he didn't have time. I used to buy him sandwiches sometimes because I was worried about him and the hug he'd give me was full of affection and appreciation. How can I ever tell between love and limerence as you put it when he was always, always like that?
But unresolved issues? I have them in spades, shovels even.
