/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>126416
This sounds somewhat familiar. Are you latina?

>>126416
do you have trauma/abusive relationships? if you have trauma chaos and problems will feel more at home with your nervous system. things like safety and calm could make you feel bored or unsatisfied. keep trying then for the relationship and get therapy and good community/things to do and work on.

or u think hes ugly and got the ick, idk

>>126417
>>126421
These nonas make good points.
Try getting him to argue with or demean you. If that gives the reaction you're waiting for, then you know your issue and can work on it.

I relate, except I made the mistake of marrying him. I thought if I tried hard enough it would get better. I thought it may get better with time. I thought it was just a me-issue. I even thought I may be a lesbian or asexual myself. I thought many things and entirely blamed myself. Now I have come to realise that I am simply not attracted to him and I do not love him romantically. No matter how badly I wish to change my feelings, I just can't. I can't properly express the guilt I feel over this. I really feel terrible for wasting his time. So , my advice to you is honestly break up with him if you can. I know it feels awful, but if you're not very attracted to him just end it. Learn from my mistake!

>>126426
Why can't you be with someone you like just because you don't have romantic feelings? Does it cause any specific issues?

>>126427
one reason is because you will have to see that person every day and tolerate their quirks. meaning, this generally requires a way higher attachment than mere liking or dating out of convenience.
another thing is, what happens once you meet someone you actually like romantically?

>>126426
not trying to be rude but how do you let it get that far? is it just people freak out when they turn thirty and settle for whatever is there?

>>126426
Had something similar happen. He was an objectively good person, we had fun, we shared interests, his family was nice and kind, he never pressured me to do stuff I didn't want to, etc. his only "problem" was that he wasn't really good at listening or offering emotional support when things were bad (like when one of my cats died he just went "oh…" or something), but other than that he was a kind man. I liked him and all but I didn't love him, I remember hugging him on our second date and thinking "is this it? is this what love is supposed to feel like? cause it's so… empty". I really, really tried, when together with friends I'd try to look at him from afar, try to see him in a new light that'd make me truly fall in love (like "well, I guess he looks kinda cute, and his hair is clean and nice, and he has a cute smile, I guess???), or when he wore new clothes, or whenever he helped me with something, or gifted me a cute plushie of my favorite animal, I don't know, anything, but it didn't happen. Even the idea of having sex with him repulsed me, like I had no problem doing other stuff but the idea of actual PIV made me recoil, so we never did. For a long, LONG time I thought I was asexual and that I was the broken one, that I'd grow out of it and start loving him and we would be happy and all, but it just wouldn't happen, on the contrary, something just never fully clicked. I liked hanging out with him but it wasn't exciting, I didn't really look forward to it, and the more we were together the more I wanted to find excuses to not see him because I didn't want to bother thinking of how to fill all that time. It came to a point where I kept thinking I just wanted to go home already whenever we did see each other, and eventually I didn't really feel much when kissing him either. Another thing I noticed is that I never felt truly free to be myself with him, often thought "shouldn't I feel like I can be myself the same way I can when I'm with my friends? isn't a boyfriend like higher in the ladder, and if anything he's the man I should be the most comfortable and open with? then why can't I?" as well as realizing that if I loved him I would have very much wanted to fuck him, but I didn't. It's like I knew he wasn't "the one".

Covid came, it gave me the perfect excuse to not see him, but I realized that even if we were apart it was cruel of me to hold the girlfriend title if I didn't love him, that I should free him. I did really, really care for him, a lot, just not love him. We eventually broke up but in a very peaceful manner and 5 years later we're actually really good friends who talk almost daily and our moms still like each other lol, but yeah, I don't know what it was, specially since I have fallen in love and I do very much have sexual desires, so I'm not aroace or anything, he just… wasn't it. For some reason. And it sucked cause again, he was and still is kind but it just never went beyond "I like you" for me.

>>126417
and not OP but I am latina, yeah

>>126427
If there's no romantic or sexual feelings, it is no different from a good friendship. The sexual incompatibility in particular is an issue.
>>126431
Not rude . Honestly I think my situation is very unique, though I suppose everyone thinks their situation is unique. We met when I was 18 and he 25, online. I was living in a very bad situation at the time. I was living with my dad (I have no mom), who was a hoarder and the house was pretty much decaying in many ways. I couldn't find a job (living in a rural area) and we couldn't afford much food. I was desperate to get out asap. Then I meet my husband, we get married when I turn 19. We get married because he lived in a different country and many times the only way to resolve an international LDR is through marriage. I wanted a stable place to live. I wanted food. But at the time, being naive, I really didn't think I was just using my husband for that. Sure I didn't find him that attractive, but I just admonished myself for that, thinking of myself as shallow for caring about physical appearance and that all issues would get fixed with time if we just worked on them together. Honestly, that's not true. Some issues are simply fundamental and cannot be changed even if you both genuinely care for each other so much and try your hardest.

I saw a good future with him and I felt like he was my only chance at a good life. He treats me well even. Now I'm 22 and we've been living together for about a year. I can't go back home to my dad, he has completely disowned me (not because of the marriage, he just wanted nothing to do with me when I turned 18). It's all just fucked really. I am so ashamed of myself and I feel great shame even typing this out on an anonymous imageboard. I blame my dad most of all and then I blame myself. The guilt and regret has caused me a delibitating amount of self-hatred. Basically, I think I was just in a pretty desperate situation and along my husband comes like the fairy godmother from Cinderella or some shit. I am a serious failure. Which would be fine enough if I was suffering by myself, but I feel like I've accidentally dragged another person down with me and ruined his life, although I never meant to and I never ever want to hurt him.
>>126450
I can relate to an extent, obviously, though I think my husband maybe has more issues than your guy. A lot of objectively bad things, though he's not abusive or emotionally neglective. The way yours reacted to your cat dying is grounds enough for seperation imo.

When I kiss my husband I feel nothing, but I still do it because I thought love meant doing things you don't feel like because you value their feelings more than your own. But that's how I feel whenever we do anything romantic/sexual, which is of course the main thing that separates lovers from friends. I feel awful for him. I think I am a bad person.
>I'd try to look at him from afar, try to see him in a new light that'd make me truly fall in love
God I really relate to this. Just trying to convince my brain. Turns out romantic attraction truly is illogical. We cannot choose who we love no matter how hard we try. Obviously, I should have never gotten with him to begin with. I should have tried harder to find a job though even then I have no clue what I'd have done. If ending the relationship now was an option I'd do it. I realise how unfair continuing this is for him. But I have nowhere else to go and I'm terrified of hurting him because I do still care. I don't know what to do.
>Even the idea of having sex with him repulsed me
Can also relate. It even physically hurts, though he's always gentle. I really blamed myself but I think it's a lot more simple than all these complex issues I thought up: I am just fundamentally not attracted to him. It's not that I'm asexual, a lesbian, whatever.
>Another thing I noticed is that I never felt truly free to be myself with him
Same here too. I do think we genuinely like each other as people, but certainly not enough for a life partnership. I don't think he really "gets" me. I feel I can't express myself to him a lot of the time. I feel like I have to wear a mask around him to an extent.
I'm glad you were able to resolve things peacefully. I wish me and my husband could but of course it's a lot more serious due to marriage.

>>126455
Letting this fester will only hurt you both in the long run.
You've been faithful and tried your best as a wife, but it sounds like it's time to book a talk with him about how things really started and where you stand now.
22 and ~28 respectively isn’t too old to start over. You can be grateful to him, he can be kind, but you don’t have to stay trapped together just because you’re both “good people.”
The alternative is trying to bunker down for another decade until you’re both too emotionally exhausted and morally compromised to leave. A clean, compassionate break might be the more forgiving choice for you both

>>126417
I'm not latina

>>126450
>>126455
I feel like I can be myself around him, though we haven't known each other that long.

We haven't had sex but I can imagine myself hating that if it doesn't work out. Every other worry I've had has melted away the more I've gotten to known him, though.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, noonas. I still desperately wish I could try this anyway, but whatever happens I think I'm at least going to tell him what I feel, that way it's not just me deciding what to do but us together. If I'm lucky maybe he will offer his friendship instead and that will make me less lonely somehow.

For me, sometimes observing my own feelings is like observing something with a microscope that is too small, that gets damaged by beams of light. If you are this way, and you haven't known each other for that long, then maybe you can just wait. Time and silence is sometimes all it takes for your inner thoughts to speak up. This is especially true if you've never been attracted to somebody in a long-term way before, you very well could just be slow to discern what you want. But if this is the case, then maybe try not to move forward (esp physically) until you can discern, as that would only increase mental noise and make it harder to figure out.

Also, are you like this in all other areas in life? Ex: if you adopt an animal, move, make new friends, change jobs/career ambitions/school concentrations, do you start worrying about your choices the same way you are with your boyfriend?

>>126431
I think it's at least partly due to the fact many women are so used to men being complete garbage that when they meet one that's decent, who respects them and whom they respect, they'll interpret it as love. And from there, it's mostly just the usual cognitive bias and sunk cost fallacy that will trap them in a loveless relationship.

>>126475
I also experience feelings that way. I have to observe them indirectly a lot of the time. I'll notice that I've talked more than usual or that my thoughts are optimistic, and then conclude that I must be in a good mood.

I'm not really worrying about choices like that. I'm not worried about if he's the right one or not.

——–
Update on OP:

I talked to him yesterday and described what I feel and what I don't feel. He way okay with it so maybe he thinks it's still too early to be able to expect me to have strong feelings yet. I don't know what the usual timeline for these things are. I still have a feeling that it's not going to go my way in the end, though.

>>126573
Progress, I guess. Did it alleviate the guilt any?