/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I'm about to reject the last guy I'll ever have a chance with. I want a relationship but i feel scared to commit or something. I have past trauma from moids and am about to start EMDR therapy for this.

I don't think I would dare to share the trauma with him (too much shame;_; for now) but communication and trust is fundamental for any relationship.. and since I'm going through therapy for it I can't really not say anything.

But he has never had a relationship before, I don't think he's experienced to talk emotionally about this sort of stuff honestly… I think I'm scared he'll disappoint me when I'm choosing to let my guard down during this particular difficult time.

It's just; I don't want to have sex; but have had past experiences, while he hasn't had any experience; so then I take that away from him. And I'm suicidal and don't know if I'm gonna be alive in a year tbh … So it kinda feels like im tricking him or something because he doesn't know how messed up I am.

At the same time I do like him a lot, he's funny, super easy to talk to (I just don't know if also on a deeper level,,), can cook, is pretty active with hobbies; though doesn't seem to have any career/life goals.. We have been friends for a year btw, but very on and off…

And I pushed him away many times (:/) but he has continued to reach out to me… but one reason why I stopped talking to him is that he is too scared to talk to me irl, and never confessed his feelings. I just want clarity. I know he likes me but I want him to say it. Communication is important…

But if it's not him then I don't think I will be pursuing any more romantic connections with moids at all in the future. …

Anyways, he reached out to me after some time. Nonas do you have advice? should I pass on him or no…. or is there any advice on how to deal with this because it feels like im sabotaging myself if i say no but I know it's for the best. And how can I forget him…….

sigh, i wish i could have some lighthearted love but it always gets so emotionally heavy.