/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I’m jealous of other women.
All of them. It feels like every woman in the world has something I don’t. Something I’m missing on a fundamental level. Not just looks. Not just personality. Something deeper. Like they were given a manual on how to exist as a woman and I wasn’t. I don’t measure up. Not in my appearance. Not in how I act. Not in how I talk. I feel like I missed whatever makes someone naturally normal. I feel like a failed version of what I’m supposed to be. Like some kind of glitch. Being around other women makes it worse. I don’t feel like I belong. I feel awkward and wrong, like they can sense that I’m different. I compare myself to every little thing, their confidence, their ease, their femininity, and I always come up short. What makes it worse is that I actually want connection with women. I want female friendships. I want that closeness. But I feel like my jealousy and insecurity just poison it before it can even start. I’m scared I’ll ruin it or that they’ll see through me and confirm what I already believe. That I’m not enough. The only people I really talk to are men, and I’m exhausted by it. Men only end up hurting me. But somehow I feel more comfortable there than with women, even though it’s not healthy for me. I’m just tired of feeling like a failure as a woman. Tired of feeling behind. Tired of feeling like everyone else got something I didn’t.