/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>129870
I've been waiting to reply to this while the site was being spammed. I'm really glad its over and I'm so sorry you got those awful replies from some weird pedo. I'm not going to lie to you and say "it gets better." My life is so similar to yours, but there are steps I have taken to make it a lot more bearable.

My first tip is move out! I get it. it's hard, but these people will drag you down. If you have relationships that are contentious but you still want them in your life, that's okay. They will improve with some space. I was heavily abused as a child too and I only really get along with my dad who I love but failed to protect me many times when there is a lot of space between us and my social life is active. Anyone you don't want in your life block asap. I don't know where you are, but most major cities have tons of boards of young people trying to meet people to get a roommate, this is also true of colleges if you are still in school. Consider renting a room rather than a whole apartment too.

>I've always been eccentric and weird but it feels worse now, everyone can tell I was abused as a kid right?
I often wonder the same thing. Try to think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff. If someone can see this on you and it drives them away, you don't want them in your life anyway.

I'm sorry about your awful ex. My ex did something super similar about a year ago and because he's still in my space this has become a prolonged Title IX battle. The fortunate thing is, this man doesn't seem to be in your space. Keep him out of your space, get rid of all the things that remind you of him. Maybe a new phone or mattress.

>I want to hug someone without it feeling sexual, I wish I didn't have sexual thoughts about friends I make. I want normal relationships.
I don't think this website is great about sex, so I recommend finding a space where traumatized sexuality (especially the oscillating between horny and self disgust) are better understood. Sex is a raw, biological thing. It's okay to have those feelings and I've found that the best thing to do here is a sort of radical acceptance of your own sexuality rather than repress it. After my assaults I often wished that I had no sexual feelings, had no body to be judged sexually and felt like my experiences made me a "not real" or something "lesser" person. I can't say this goes away completely, but you'll have moments where you feel better and if you find a partner that actually respects your body it'll really heal you not to judge your own sexual interests. It doesn't even require another person to begin the process of accepting that part of yourself.

All love <3 i really hope you feel better.

>>129895
Wow this is actually really helpful, thanks sm.

I'm at a "supportive independent living" facility at the moment.

My head is kind of spinning, my main goal is to get a nice backpack and all my belongings gathered up somehow.

I obviously need a job, I'm gonna try and get somewhere that's understanding if I can.

I should've figured my family would abandon me tbh, They're making me out to be deranged and inherently dangerous and it's making me feel like a monster.

Honestly not sure if I can have a relationship with my mom, I just wish she hadn't done the stuff she did recently. She has untreated bpd and the constant splitting episodes were too much and broke me.

I'm going to see if I can get a ptsd diagnosis, I'm pretty sure I have it at this point. I'm praying that I get a good psych or whatever, I'm supposed to get a call for a mental health program tomorrow or something.

I don't know how to do fafsa on my own, or really anything for that matter outside of cooking and cleaning.

I can work computers and cash registers pretty well but outside of basic tools and stuff I'm not certified in anything.

>>129896
>I don't know how to do fafsa on my own, or really anything for that matter outside of cooking and cleaning.
Talk to an advisor in your school about this and they will definitely help you

>I obviously need a job, I'm gonna try and get somewhere that's understanding if I can.
Since it seems you're still in college, try working at somewhere like the student center, women's center or personal counseling in your university. If not i'd be shocked if your facility didn't have options for getting people into the workforce.

>I'm going to see if I can get a ptsd diagnosis,
PTSD is an easy dx to get, but I'm also going to recommend you go through an autism test if you have the means to do so. Since you mention that people perceive you as autistic it is probably worth it regardless. A lot of this is to avoid a BPD misdiagnosis, which is really common with the combination of autism x ptsd. Request a woman!!! I can not stress this enough. Because I don't see male mental health providers I've almost never been labeled some stupid bullshit outside of scenarios in childhood where they only saw me with my abusers in the room. Maybe try the RAINN hotline as well? They are usually able to connect you to free mental health resources within your area.

>>129897
There isn't a university where I live unfortunately.

I'm diagnosed autistic and tried applying for disability with it but was denied because I was diagnosed too long ago. I do often tell people I'm diagnosed.

Thanks for the advice about male providers.

Unrelated but every spring most of my family gets manic and they get really scary. Like none of them admit they're bipolar and it's bad. Since they know I'm diagnosed they end up projecting how they feel onto me and it gets weird, vent over.