/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Here are my results for the “Big Five Inventory” test.
Feel free to ask any questions.

https://psytests.org/result?v=ipin1ESSe7t8UE91

>>130074
You should ramble on about some computer stuff or something. I'm bored so I'll read it

>>130076
I’ve been messing around with game optimization recently. A lot of games have unnecessarily expensive graphics because the corporate demands that, there are crazy deadlines and the art of stingy programming being lost to time. I guess this is because most people go into tech now for money and wanting to solve business tasks now.
Another reason I enjoy it is because it allows me to break and explore things I have not seen before. Building web apps over and over is very boring. It just feels like Groundhog Day every time. While with reverse engineering and modding you have to constantly adapt and find new solutions every step of the way. I could be wrong about this, of course, maybe there are interesting problems in web too. But I am more so interested in the stuff that makes you ask, is this even possible at all? And can we do it even better?

So some of the stuff I learned recently was Performance Profiling. Instead of constant trial and error you can use software that helps you see what calls the program is making, what’s the bottleneck. One of the programs that is used to do this is RenderDoc. I have unfortunately not gotten around to trying this because my setup is a bit unusual for this (MacOS and Wine). But it sounds very interesting.

Another thing I learned about was the Jump Flood algorithm. I was very confused trying to understand it at first. One video i watched showed just squares jumping around to fill a screen. I was like, what? What could this specific shader possibly be used for? I could understand that this is a more efficient way to fill an area, but also it was described to be something that can calculate distance fields. What I figured out was that JFA is used to generate an outline. I am completely new to this graphics stuff, so please forgive me for being a bit stupid about it…

Hmm, what else. I decided to use git as version control or something so I could keep track of all the changes. I honestly never memorize all the commands besides the basic ones and use a cheat sheet for everything else. Maybe it’s a bad thing, I feel like others judge me for it.

Oh yeah, I found the computer graphics sub on Reddit and it seems interesting. There’s a post talking about how Gaussian blur is expensive and there’s a better alternative. I found that interesting, I should get back to it.

Also, I think most of my “optimizations” are lame. I just put a return in the beginning of the fragment function, sometimes I change the frag color to see what it affects. Yeah, I want to document what each shader does, too.

By the way, what a shader consists of is mostly the vertice function and a fragment function. A fragment means color. My understanding of this is pretty laymanish for now.

I also want to know how the pipeline works. Where is the shader called from and where the result is passed to. Maybe that would require decompiling the exe.

Oh, also the shaders are hardcoded into the exe. I wonder how then someone would mod in a shader? Deepseek said something about DLL injecting or something? I dunno.

Also, this is completely random, but a while back I tried to see if it’s possible to embed hidden messages in an image. How do people do it. It was like three years ago at this point? Maybe two. I don’t remember much so what I say may be inaccurate.

One I remember the best was gif and its color maps. Some gifs have a section that lists all the used colors, so basically you just write your message there.

For the static file types, such as jpg or png, there’s a way that changes the pic subtly. You know how every pixel is stored as numbers, basically? The method is that you change the least significant bytes into an image of your choice. This causes subtle changes in color, sometimes unnoticeable. So when you reverse the bytes you see the other image. I don’t remember what this method is called.

Of course there’s always the writing something at the end of the file method.

Now, most sites reencode the images, sometimes to compress them or whatever. I know cloudflare does this for the sites that use it? At least that’s what I thought. So the only one of these that would work is changing the bytes, because, well, the image itself is different.
There’s probably more to it, but I don’t remember much. What I remember is the imagewizard program I think? It could export as much data about a file as possible into txt format. I think that’s useful to learn about this and all.

I remember Civ 5 devs basically released the source code or something for the game. That’s cool, makes it easier to mod and stuff. But I don’t really have any ideas as to what I would even add there. I don’t exactly have the artistic skills to make the assets for a new Civ. Umm, navigable rivers? That’s probably unlikely.

>>130080
>>130079
Is civ the only game you're interested in modding?

OHHH! My dream is to hack the rom for that untranslated Kaiji game. The good one, where you’re just some guy on the ship. Maybe I could even translate it.
But that’s a very big project, I’m never finishing it on my own. The most I did was find values for text symbols in the first Final Fantasy. You do that by naming your characters and seeing what gets changed in your save files. But I was just following a tutorial.
Still, this sounds like I would enjoy it.

>>130081
No, I actually don’t care for it. I am messing with Mewgenics right now. It’s a flash looking game that for some reason does shit like light refraction above the flames.

Good thing is the devs deliberately left the game files easy to edit and stuff. It’s good for a beginner like me.

Also it’s on a custom engine that supports actual flash graphics. That’s kinda cool.

>>130083
Mewgenics rings a bell ive certainly heard of it though i unfortunately haven't had the pleasure of playing it. Did you have any ideas for things you'd like to change or add to the game?

Imagine a wonder trade system for Mewgenics. A skip dialogue button. The possibilities are endless…

Oh, I guess for Civ 5 you could make a fuck off button so the AI stops pestering you with offers you don’t care about. Someone probably made this already.

>>130084
I had a vision of a fanmade chapter that would make everything grayscale, so basically it would involve shader work. I don’t have any ideas besides making it a noire themed area. I just want to try doing the technical side.

>>130086
I take it you enjoy noir themed media. I find it intriguing myself though admittedly most of my experience with the genre comes in the form of films and comics. In any case I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't be much help in your modding efforts as I haven't tinkered with anything tech related in quite a long time. I do however wish you luck in your modding goals

On the non computer note, I remember going to /veg to find someone to play Deep Rock Galactic with. I found some discord and joined a game. Some Polish guy was like, oh how old are you? You sound like a boy and we can’t have minors in here. I think he figured I wasn’t a boy, but he told everyone I was. Not sure… The others have figured it eventually and he kinda didn’t mention anything about it.

Everyone was actively talking about so many stuff I never think about. It was awkward.

Then there was some guy who wanted to talk to me a lot, and then he asked if I was interested in black guys out of the blue. That was crazy. He turned out to be a Native American living on a reservation so I have no clue what that was about. He also talked about the fnaf movie a lot and the others told him to shut up.

I wish I was more comfortable with this because multiplayer games are the one social activity I like a lot. Like it’s my window to connect with others somewhat.

>>130087
Thanks! And it’s okay. Some of my enjoyment comes precisely from the fact it’s somewhat obscure and there’s a lot of novelty in it for me.

Not a fan of noire in particular, but I did enjoy l.a. noire. Cool game.

>>130088
Aside from deep rock galactic which are your favorite games to play with others?

>>130089
Probably terraria and left for dead. I haven’t played those in ages, though. Hmm… 100% Orange Juice?
Actually not sure. Generally I like to work towards a common goal, simulating what it would be like to solve problems with others, division of labor, etc.

There was a fun friendslop game where you’re placed into a saw-like situation and have to solve puzzles to get out. I liked solving stuff quicker than others.

Oh, Sven coop and e.y.e. were lots of fun too. You could spawn turrets in eye and what we did was kinda just run around with it while it kills stuff.

At any rate, thanks for talking to me. I appreciate it.

>>130091
No, thank you for alleviating my boredom for a time. I must confess it's getting rather late so I'll unfortunately have to take my leave but I have enjoyed chatting with you.

>>130094
So she's just evil?

>>130088
Don't you find it exhausting? I do, I can have at most likely one or two people I can feel a connection with in general. Multiplayer games sound exhausting

>>130095
I don’t think a lack of emotions makes a person evil. You don’t have much control over how you feel, but you have the choice to act ethically despite it. I think whether one is evil or not is dependent on one’s actions.

>>130096
No, games aren’t hard. In fact it’s too easy to play way more than you should. But I have been constantly playing them since I was a kid, that must be why.

I do also enjoy watching stuff with others, though. In fact I don’t see a point in watching anime unless it’s with someone to talk about with. Which is a bit unusual I guess

>>130098
As in, multiplayer games specifically. I don't get along with most people. Much less many people at once

>>130099
If someone is willing to stay focused on a task without demanding things I don’t care about, I’m gonna get along just fine with them. As long as they don’t get pissed off over every single thing, too.

I think you can just chalk this up to individual differences. Schizoidness is a spectrum like every other construct, something like that.

Also I enjoy games because you can be competitive there. If someone is better than me, I want to become better than them. Others relying on my skills feels good too. So maybe there’s some ego involved.

Okay, I think at this point I’m gonna have to concede that using an actual ide is better than just a notepad. I can’t keep up with the changes anymore.

I love this youtuber, she hits my exact areas of interest. If you want some nerdy computer stuff to listen to I recommend her.

>>130130
Aren’t you a vtuber listener? So it seems right up your alley

>>130136
There’s a lot things that are beyond you, don’t stress your stunted brain over it.

Whats some advice that can help me?
I'm afraid of losing my humanity or becoming a bad person because of the terrible stuff people post on my fyp. Everyone is literally toxic in every social media app now.

>>130141
That’s a fair question to ask and as someone who grew up on the shitty site of the Internet I understand your concern. Nowadays I think it may even be more dangerous with all the sextortion groups and other freaks running amok. Also there’s much more brainless slop that’s designed to keep you addicted, like TikTok, and corporations have only become better at it with each year.

Ultimately I’d suggest you try to filter your feed or limit your social media usage. It might not be easy, I think people who tend to doomscroll don’t really have anything else to do on their downtime. Maybe they’re lonely, maybe they have no support in life, this is one of those things that make people more vulnerable.

Those who have a community don’t tend to take external negativity as much. I don’t know why, but I observe this time and time again, with myself, too. But I am not sure if this would apply to your case.

One more thing, and I feel like it was important for me personally, sometimes you just can’t solve your way out of the problem alone, or by someone telling you how to solve it. The best is always seeing someone set an example, it immediately proves that change is possible and it will improve your life. So, if you were to interact with someone who isn’t affected by all that toxicity, it will certainly rub off on you.

>>130141
i know this may be not the advice you are lookin for, but try reading the bible and getting into theology at least. After that if something moved inside your soul, you could try going to church.

>>130094
The last one worries me. I have a strong feeling when my parents die I won't have any emotional reaction. My brother might hit me or something.

>>130091
>Eye
[You have gained brozouf]

One time, when I was in first or second grade, a classmate of mine approached me and said someone told him how a girl's peepee looks like. (or that he saw it?) Then he drew it and I responded with: "Um… no, that's not true…"

During around the same time I had a male friend I hanged out with. He was pretty roguish. We talked about hey arnold and how funny it would be to prank people in real life. He bought ice cream for me once? Or I bought it after he told me about it? Then at some point later a teacher commented on his pencil case during a break and I laughed at it, then he launched a fist between my ribs. We did not hang out after that.

I think the first boy hurt me too a bit but it was like, "oh did you know boys are stronger than girls" and since it was kinda just experimenting I didn't bear a grudge against him over it.

>>130153
I don't think it's that abnormal. At least if someone tried to give me shit for it, I'd tell them "everyone grieves in their own way". Even if I weren't grieving.

>>130154
Here's a drawing the person I was playing with made of our experience in E.Y.E.

Oh wait it wasn't hey arnold, it was what's with andy.

>>130158
>Everyone grieves in their own way
I'll remember that line to use it
>Picture
Haha nice. It's multiplayer?? I didn't even know that. How did u find someone to play with? I wish I knew people into such things.

>>130160
It's someone I've known for 13? years at this point.
He was a boy who'd invite me to play Terraria, Robocraft, Smite, all type of stuff. I met him in… transformice. I think he introduced me to a lot of multiplayer games. I was like, oh someone invited me to play, why not.

We haven't really hung out in a long while, but we're on good terms.

I mean, we could play together sometime if you want tho! I'd probably play just about anything, or at least try.

But I'll probably only be able to only run the games that support Mac for now. And I can't use Discord for voice chat if you're into that kinda thing so maybe we'd need something else.

>>130162
You can contact me at [email protected]

Another weird trivia from my life is when I told my mom I lost my job she called me autistic.

(she was like "Well maybe it's because you could be autistic")

>>130215
How did you lose your job?

>>130218
I really wasn't a good fit, even if I liked coding, in fact my code was praised. The problem is, you have to pay a lot of attention to rules, even just stuff like style standards. As in, do you leave the bracket on one line or do you carry it to the next one. I understand why they are important, I just have a hard time learning rules and not just learning by doing. I constantly fumbled during reviews. I just have a hard time working with people. I thought maybe it's just because I'm an idiot or something.
But also at the time I was falling apart mentally. I was all alone with no support. I thought maybe my mom can support me but she just called me autistic.

This extends to studies too. I could never listen to a lecture longer for 10 minutes back in the day, but on my own I can do stuff for hours. I should probably get some sort of help for this.

https://web.archive.org/web/20160521112805/http://prod-with-the-prod.tumblr.com/page/2
I loved reading this stupid blog back in the day

Some stupid rambling nobody needs to read.

When my 20s just started, I was determined to force myself to adapt to the social game, stop being such a hermit. There was a forum mostly comprised of other women. I had a hard time understanding how to connect with most others.

Then, some girls come along, and they are very friendly, very praisy. Oddly easy to get along with, unusually so. 2/3 would post about me publicly regularly.
Turns out they were all a variation of the same archetype, people who "socially climb" via showing off "social trophies". Like they're on a fucking loop where they're constantly trying to "show off" by telling everyone how they spoke to this and that or got a gift from someone.

It just seems so gay and stupid. That means constantly being dependent on others. That means you're tying your worth to what some random idiot thinks. I'd understand if it was someone actually talented in something, but this feels like inflated value. You know what I'm saying?? Like it's not real and it's pointless. But, maybe I just don't get something. And it still makes me mad because I want to compete with them anyway (for some reason) but at the same time it feels stupid.

Ever since then I feel nothing but contempt whenever I see someone giving praise for nothing.

>>130223
You wanted to compete with them? In what way?

>>130226
I just wanted to do whatever they did but better, because it was a source of their pride. But at the same time it's nonsensical, so that makes me not want to do it, paradoxically.

AizeklAchior sighting on /bant/.

>>130228
I feel like it makes sense. The basis of a personal relationship is wanting the other person to like you, isn't it? A relationship is defined as mutual like. Unlike an anonymous one like we have right now, it means that there's the logical move to try and make people like you

this is very cool and interesting but i can't exactly think of what i would want to do with skills like this

apparently three.js coders are sought after
but every overpolished and overanimated site looks and runs like garbage usually so this does not inspire me

>>130252
I thought the bottom two looks cool…

>>130263
Oh no they do look awesome, it's just not something I want to create in particular. I mean, Idk where I would be able to apply that skill.

But I got some cool ideas for a few projects so I'll try anyway.

I think about this screenshot I took on incelwiki sometimes

also this

>>130274
lol

>>130264
What projects do you have in mind?

>>130276
I'm thinking of trying to depict what would various calculus functions look like if applied to graphics. (tho idk how that's gonna work yet, I'll get to it when I get to it)

Also I want to try to do some artsy stuff using shaders because I'm not good at drawing but I press computer buttons pretty good.

>>130079
You could put it in metadata so it's not compressed. Then detection becomes a mathematical problem. The most direct way would be if your altered field is out of distribution from the average. If it's human written text like names, languages (of every kind) follow Zipf's law. If it's non human, interestingly there's been work done on measuring the Shannon entropy of data. This is found to work well for malware (which they observe has a higher entropy than average). Their claim is that when malware is packed, it must be more ordered and contain more information per character, so it has higher entropy. Tangentially I had an argument with my friend about using Shannon entropy to detect published API keys in a website scanner. API keys should have a high entropy because characters are random.

https://umbrella.cisco.com/blog/using-entropy-to-spot-the-malware-hiding-in-plain-sight

>>130278
Huh, that seems interesting, thanks!
I'll look into this in my spare time.
Though I'd assume metadata would normally get rewritten too.

>>130277
>>130279
That's interesting. If you had a 3d graph for tbh values, then you had a function on it, I guess the function would represent a space of possible colors constrained in some way? Then if you took the (partial) derivative you'd get… Hmm in some way the rate of chance of that rainbow.

The Fourier transform is cool! When I send pictures to my friends on telegram it's really annoying because it compresses the crap out of it. And jpg uses something called discrete cosine transform which is closely related to the Fourier transform. I think what is happening is that text with a plain background gets aggressively compressed by some algorithm because the absolute difference is small (as it's mostly single color background pixels) but it's terrible for words. Also recently I came across a paper about how the Fourier transform can apparently be used to analyze how LLMs process inputs, with bizzare results like there's features at T=2,5,10 for numbers.

>>130280
Damn you know a lot about image stuff, did you study that? Work in academia, perhaps?

I mostly got the idea about calculus graph because I sucked at my calculus class in uni. So if I tried to apply it to shaders maybe I'd understand it better. At least that motivates me on an emotional level.

> with bizzare results like there's features at T=2,5,10 for numbers.
what does that mean?

Just randomly remembered something about uni.

My family offered to use my membership card for a grocery store chain so I could spend the points. Then, after English class I lost it and someone used it. It had about 1 to 10$ worth of US dollars I think? I started crying and everyone in the room freaked out, so I hid in the bathroom until I calmed down.
I felt like a disgrace to my family. I panicked and insulted my mom also, saying stop giving me your useless crap, I don't need your help.

orig

Also I used pixie dust attack to hack wifis in my dorm because I couldn’t pay for mine. I explored some private ip’s (or whatever it’s called in English ) and there were some stuff like tv control panel.

Around the same time I also scanned the city's ip range and looked for anything interesting.
The most interesting one was some sort of uhh physics experiment?
There was a graph of an industrial water boiler with information on the temperature, maybe pressure and so on. I guess it was a real machine that sent the information to the server, kinda cool.

I made the GO gopher in Spore one year ago.

Also, another random bit of trivia from childhood. I started using the Internet more or less at 8-9 years old.
One of the things I did first was sign up on some social media site and upload my picture. I played the games on the site and then kinda never visited again.

Fast forward like 3 years later, I log into my old email to see a bunch of friend request notifications. A lot of them were like 30 to 40 year old men.

Here's an update.
I have been trying to run the game with Renderdoc. It didn't work, apitrace didn't work. Even Nsight graphics. It would simply fucking CRASH and there would be no logs no nothing. I had to look through windows events (really handy) and even some logs I was unable to access and had to xcopy them.
I turned off my main GPU, turned off my integrated GPU, was considering translating the game to direct x or something.

Then I ran it through the debugger. It did not run, again. BUT, guess what, it crashed on some fucking AUDIO LIBRARY. That's crazy.
I disabled audio enhancements or something and now the debugger and the game seem to run properly together.

Shit's crazy. To be fair I was really tired yesterday and it helped me relax so I'm happy.

I remember I was trying to mess around in Danmakufu. Like shaders, you also have to use math here a lot.

Here's an old video of mine.

>SELECT shit FROM code WHERE software = vichan
cool seething rant from someone who maintained gurochan (which runs on vichan, like CC)

I have an rss feed now too just like all the cool kids
Needs some improvement though

>>130328
I mostly did that cuz I am sure a certain someone else on this site has an rss feed for discord. I don’t want to fall behind them technologically.

I do check cc manually too much also

This video hits some topics I had been occasionally thinking for a while.

First, the critical period. Genie was a child who grew up in a dark basement, never receiving any external speech input or love, never having spoken to anyone prior to being discovered. Her vocabulary grew pretty fast when she was being taken care by scientists, but she could never get a grasp on grammar. Obviously, she never became an independent adult.

Sometimes I try to imagine, what if one simply never gets the proper development to work, learn and and keep up with the others. Once the window of opportunity closes, you're essentially stuck in a body and a mind that's only half-human. That terrifies me. I know Genie is an extreme example and most people have enough to eventually catch up with the others, but that actually requires MORE work and support for someone who can't get it. This creates a self-perpetuating loop. This is a harrowing existential trap where the only sure solution is death.

I think there's a lot of people like this, I was like this, my development up until 10-ish years was okay, great even. After that I became an extreme recluse, unable to feel any connection with most others or really just see any point in social convention. Early teenage years aren't quite the critical period, but they certainly define more than your adult years do.
It made my mind go blank whenever I was faced with emotionally charged situations. I could witness a conversation where two people are laughing, their intonations are lively, they can speak spontaneously, but within me there would be nothing. It was almost like some circuitry within me was lacking, hollow, or turned off. It made me livid because I could not understand this problem or see the solution.
The people I spoke to, they told me I was a bit incomprehensible or arcane in conversation. I would veer off into my thoughts, only vocalize half of what I'm thinking, so on… Really it goes on.
I've gradually improved after getting out of my parents' house and finding something worth living for. Then, suddenly, there was a gradual recovery. I could feel more, I started simply getting everything I didn't get before, it's like emotions were a sense no less than smell, taste or vision. I don't know how to describe it, things suddenly started making sense.

I can only wonder what's going to happen to iPad kids. They're going to be studied, for sure.

Secondly, language played an important part in my recovery.

There's two relevant stories in the video, both involving the experiment of not talking to or around infants ever. Most of them started failing to thrive and died. This is despite the fact that biologically, they got everything their body needed. This is fascinating, almost as if language is the nourishment for the human soul.

This somewhat happened to me too. I was never allowed to express myself. As an adult I tried doing that more and more… But it wasn't until I got someone to hear me that I got rapid improvements!
People said my language improved, I was making more sense.

This is partially why I want to blog here about random stuff. Language is amazing. Even just vocalizing something helps one understand anything better. Informational exchange is like a cheatcode for life! Whenever you have a network of information, you can have the knowledge of the whole network! You can see the perspectives and gain fuller understanding of anything, really.

That's why I blog and why I try my best to have social interactions that can positively affect me. Even if it's not enjoyable, it is vital for the health of your mind.

Here's a blogpost from 28.09.2025 that's somewhat relevant I guess:

It is a bit silly, but sometimes it puts my life into perspective whenever I see other people's pets and recall what mine as a kid were like. Especially when I compare what my home pets and the adopted street cat were like.

My home pets as a kid were something more like a fluffy vegetable. They don't really do anything besides just existing, shitting, running towards food, being handled around without consent and of course, being teased. It never really occured to me teasing is a bad thing - it was kind of the norm to tease pets in our household - but it's a super mega red flag in the MMPI.

But then there are pets who are actively affectionate and actively engaging with the rest of the family, vocally responsive, well I kinda have a hard time naming more, but you know…

And obviously, I kinda realized I'm a lot like what my own pets were like.

I don't need to spell out probably that both them and I were a result of the same treatment. I kinda have a hard time seeing why would I have any issues in my life but that kinda explains it somewhat maybe?

https://modthesims.info/d/371189/deus-ex-jc-and-paul-denton-anna-navarre-gunther-hermann.html

holy f*ck

Another relevant example of the above.

Do you know what preverbal trauma is?

It is a distressing event (or multiple) that occur very early in life before a person develops language.

What it does to someone is fill their perception with some sort of inexplicable dread and body with seemingly unprovoked pains. Unable to access the why or the what of it. You had no tools to access it and thus the path is obscured. It feels like a fundamental part of you, one impossible to get rid of.
See reactive attachment disorder for instance - these people struggle form relationships to begin with because something happened during development.

This feels a lot like the half-human trap metaphor from before. A confined cage that is inescapable from within. You have to be taught how to be human by other humans - something civilization needed thousands of hundreds of years to discover collectively.

damn im rambling a lot but it's fun

The resistance to comfort is especially relatable idk

Allat nerd shit above is the reason I am so unpopular

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-imprinted-brain/201302/why-early-blindness-prevents-schizophrenia
Did you know congenital blindness is supposedly protective against schizophrenia? People who become blind very early on or from birth have extremely low rates of schizophrenia and psychosis.

This is what a lack of a sense can do to someone. I wonder what it means.

this is where I got all of my knowledge about philosophy

>>130550
Yup I have that. And nope you don't need relationships to be happy. Was SUPER dysfunctional and angry as a child in an adopted home, but it was nothing but chaos in that house ontop of my own internal chaos so. Well you can guess how that would go. I want NOTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE. I find pure joy in mastery of something and people are just kind of there but idk what to tell you either. What do you expect people who don't want attachment to do?

Why do you care if people love constant discomfort/pushing limits for fun ? I mean people do this all the time and they're the ones that usually excel. I don't care if you don't like my priorities you should just focus on your own.

Is it because you're a moid or a pickme misogynist that it makes you uncomfortable? Well enjoy your misery then idk what to tell you