/feels/ - Advice & Venting

venting here because i am too pussy to pay for a therapist.

but basically, my history with abuse, verbally and physical is something too complicated to talk about to a another person (a professional), so basically, ever since i was a kid i was screamed at, beat, bullied, laughed at ridiculed, and most of it were classmates but 80% of it was familiar.
through the ages of 5 to 16 years old i was treated with so much hate that i wondered if i even deserved to be alive and function as a human being other than a creature to be the peoples pain reliever.
one day when i got back from school, i was around eight years old, i had written "fuck" in my book, a very idiotic kid behavior when you first discover insults and bad words, my sister was cleaning my room that day and opened the book and saw it, then showed it to my mom, that day she hit me so bad and jumped me that i was scarred for life. she would beat so badly i dont think its even allowed to mention here but anyway, after that day i became scared and so fragile i couldnt make human contact, other than the physical abuse, my sisters would call me such disgusting names and scream so much at me that any tone of voice would make me uncomfortable, what seven, ten, fourteen year old me did that was so terrible? i was never one to pick any bad habits, i did start smoking at very early age but i was still antissocial and alone.

i grew to be a very sad and anxious teen after everything, still being treated like garbage, but there was one particular moment that really changed me (for the worst), my brother had turned the same age i was when i suffered all those things, and he is too "weird" and closed off, and autistic, he didnt talk much and he liked some weird stuff, but he is very mad? and agressive, he used to jump at me, beat me, call me names like whore, slut and tell me to kill myself, but in one day in particular while he was at school (we live close to the school he goes) we got a call from the principal telling my mom that "her son jumped at the teacher and strangled her", the cops were called and all my sisters went there to see the situation, after he got home, the treatment he got after that was "one week without his computer", thats all. when i was his age the simple word "fuck" in my book was enough to have my mom kneel down on my chest and beat me till i was unconcious, but he got sweet words and "just dont do that, okay?", seeing that happen radicalized me in a hardcore way.
eight year old to sixteen year old me was so brutalized in every way possible for simply being but him being a potential threat to everyone around is simply brushed off, not to mention the times he would beat me and i was forced to apologize so "he wouldnt feel bad".

and now, i am a closed off radical adult who lives like a neet and doesnt trust anyone, any sign of romantic or attraction towards me disgusts me and i feel like a failure. is there any way to grow better after everything? can i live normally knowing my soul have been poisoned by actions like that? i just wish i never went through that that now i have to worry and feel disgusted by my myself everyday. fellow sisters, use this post as you may like, vent, read it and pass, just sharing unfortunate events in my life.