/feels/ - Advice & Venting

My girlfriend's father ended up in ICU back in June and never recovered. He died less than a month later. I was planning to break up prior to this incident, but changed my mind after this all happened. I felt like I absolutely could not do that to her while she was dealing with all this. As you would expect, she's breaking down and falling apart all the time.

I really do care about her. She's the first and only person I ever really felt connected to, but the romantic element just isn't there for me. We met in January of this year, and hit it off in a way I never thought I could with another person. It felt like I was saved from a lifetime of suffocating loneliness. I liked talking to her, and it felt easy and enjoyable in a way nothing else with another human being ever has. However, I couldn't quite match the way she felt about me.

I tried to grow my feelings for her (especially after a conversation we had about exactly this issue), but we also have some incompatibilities as partners that made growing those feelings really difficult. I had been feeling stressed about the relationship since April, and have scarcely had a peaceful day since. Even breathing feels unpleasant, the anxiety and stress about the relationship and all the ways I was doing her wrong by not matching her level of feeling and commitment has been inescapable. The stress feels physical in a way no other stress has for me, and it's been going on at least since April.

By the time it got to mid-June, I realized I couldn't keep torturing myself anymore and - as painful as it would be to let go of the connection - I couldn't keep putting myself through the stress of trying to make it work. So, I planned that if our next visit (we're long distance) didn't feel good to me and I still experienced incompatibility and stress in the relationship, I would end things. And then extreme tragedy visited her and I felt I had to put those plans away.

Now we're almost in September, and I still feel absolutely tortured by the relationship and by the lie I'm living.

A big part of the problem is that I don't want her to fall apart even more, and the other big part of the problem is I'm so emotionally and socially dependent on her (again, I really value her and she feels like the first real human connection I've ever really had) that I get really deeply sad and depressed whenever I think about ending it.

The result is that the relationship is dragging on, but I think she's catching on to the fact that I don't have it in me anymore to continue it. She's already asking me if I even want to continue or if I feel my life is better without her (it's not, which is part of the problem, as mentioned).

She's visiting in a few days until mid-September… I don't know what to do with myself. I've decided now that I should just tell her once she's back, but no time feels right. I think I should just tell her today, that also just feels wrong. If I tell her once she's back, she'll be devastated. The stress of coming back after a visit has always taken a toll on her, and it feels wrong to pile a breakup on top of the rest of it. But the moment she's back she's planning the next visit - it never feels like there's any moment that's right. It feels like there's no way out. Nothing feels good anymore, I can't take pleasure in anything anymore. The relationship at once feels like the only thing I really have and the one thing crushing me. I feel stuck in the suffering I'm in, and the moment I release myself of it, I unleash it tenfold onto her. I don't know what to do.