/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I've never been pretty (maybe I never will). Even my family made (and still) jokes abt that, and as a child I belived it even if it was just a joke, since growing up there was no boy even wanting me and other girls made fun of me and never took me seriously as a friend. Only one men has touched me and it was my grandma's husband, I still feel gross, if I was unloveable already, that made me a fucking monster. But I can't let that go, what if that's the only time I can feel desired and will never happen again? I'm scared, I try to be skinnier by fasting and exercise, I don't have a coventional style (since I like visual kei and alt things in general) but I try to look pretty with it, but still nothing happens, I need some nice man to touch me and feel everything is okay, but until then, I'll only have the image of a old man licking me, and I'll never be able to forget that until I feel real love.