>>133482I apologize if this becomes rambling and off-topic.
I've only experienced affection a few times in life and they were brief. There were short relationships that I entered into over the years, but they were devoid of affection and my attempts at it made me feel rejected and used. For a long time, I just acclimated to it. I forgot about my earliest experiences with romantic affection because it was so brief and happened when I was a teenager. It was easy to forget it had happened at all. My later experiences feeling so taken advantage of and rejected for wanting tenderness made it feel even more distant and hazy.
Last year, almost exactly, I was pulled into a whirlwind romance that I was unprepared to handle. The idea that I could be desirable has always been alien to me, but I was going to therapy and I was trying to build up my confidence. I didn't think love bombing was a real thing, but she told me she loved me very early into the relationship and I was stupid enough to think she meant it. In fact, I second guessed myself - was I taking advantage of her? Was I using someone vulnerable? I always do that because I think I'm this ugly, terrible monster and she was so beautiful and beautiful people don't take advantage of ugly monsters because they don't need to. It made me deepen my commitment. When she asked me to tell her I would never leave her and never abandon her, I told her. When she asked me to tell her I would love her forever, I did. Every time I told her, I believed it and somehow I convinced myself that it went both ways - if I would never abandon her, she would never abandon me. I caved the moment I felt like I was really being loved. I realize now she was just using me to get over her last relationship. I was very stupid and naive and pathetic.
It still upsets me to think about what I did and what I accepted for her. I comforted her when things were hard for her. I listened to her when she needed someone to talk to, even when I needed someone to talk to. I endured her horrible, mean parents who always found something to find me unworthy over. I put up with her friends who said hurtful things about me behind my back, things she knew I was insecure about. I let her into my home and I let her sleep in my bed. I made myself small for her because she wanted to feel like she had power over something and I wanted her to stop feeling helpless. The only thing I can control is myself and I let her have it even when it was exhausting or uncomfortable. I was used by her and I let my life fall apart for her.
Even now, I can't bring myself to hate her and knowing how miserable the path she chose for her life will be for her just hurts, too. For a little while I had what felt like, to me, a deep intimacy unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I felt loved and wanted in a way that feels hard to describe. The best way I can put it is that it felt warm and firm, but soft at the same time. It is a weird experience when you're not used to it. It feels vulnerable and I had to accept it at first, to resist the urge to pull away or hide from it. I acclimated to it like I acclimated to its absence. She seemed desperately clingy and the feeling that I owed it to her, that she was entitled to my touch made me push through my discomfort. I didn't regret it then, I don't know if I regret it now. I find myself longing for it again in a way I never could have before. Its absence hurts and it feels raw and I don't know how to heal it. Nothing makes it better.
Sorry if this is a miserable post that barely answers your question. I will delete it if it is (or you can just report it for the mods to delete).
