Hikki/NEET Diaries Anonymous 23206
I wanted to make a thread to blogpost about being a Hikikiomori or a NEET, mainly to be able to talk about how you're progressing and to help with accountability.
I've tried journalling for a long time but I always fall off because it feels pointless to write long pages to myself that no one will ever read.
Post ITT: How your day has been, woes of being a neet/hikki, things you've achieved lately, your fears, and goals.
Today I stayed inside for most of the day. I'm living with my boyfriend, and his dad. I never really have to leave the house so it's very comfy for me. But I had to go to a doctors appointment today, they gave me x5 repeats of my Prozac so I've been double dosing them because they're not effective enough. I think I have to see a psych! But I don't wanna because they scare me.
I just sold my PC screens, which is the last part of my PC I had to sell. (It was a beast, cost about 5k to build) I sold it so I can try to get over my internet addiction. Now I have to go to internet cafes to vidya, and it kinda feels like I'm doing things like going outside.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to organize my room and start one of those X charts in /hb/, I have to pick up alot of good habits like uhh… showering every day, brushing my teeth, etc… I'm abit of a lost cause atm but I'm trying to get back on my feet. :)
Hope some miners will join this thread with me, but ill post in it on my lonesome every day if no one does
>>23206>I've tried journaling for a long time but I always fall off >because it feels pointless to write long pages to myself >that no one will ever read.
Oh, but that's not true.
I write long posts all the time.
I will read them. Heck, I like to read them.
My day has been pretty good so far.
The woes are about the same as always.
My achievements so far : I have cut out 95% of the time I spend on youtube & vidya – and put it toward learning to draw and play guitar – which has been quite nice although my technique has a long way to go with both.
I am experimenting with singing although my voice isn't great.
I fear becoming like one of my relatives who's in their mid 50s and lives alone with a cat or two.
They are lonely people but too antisocial to make friends.
My goals are to :
1. Graduate with a decent GPA.
2. Get an okay entry job.
3. Work a few years
4. Go to grad school to get a Masters Degree.
5. Make friends and find a SO (where ever the opportunity presents itself).
>>23207>lives with bf>doesn't shower or brush teeth
You don't really
make friends at that age. It's like getting remarried as a senior after the death of a spouse.
>How your day has been
Rough. It just started, but yesterday's emotions are still lingering.
>Woes of being a neet/hikki
I am unmotivated to do anything. I don't have any interests that excite me. I make up completely lame goals that I know won't make me happy, just to go out and do something, in hopes it may spark some sort of emotion. It doesn't.
>things you've achieved lately
One of those things I was talking myself into going to was a yoga class; it didn't do anything for me. I wanted to go out just to be surrounded by other people; I've been meaning to try a community meet up since high school, but everyone in the group already knows each other. I decided to pull myself up by the bootstraps and introduce myself to the instructor, only to be met with strange robotic response. She had that thousand yard, sociopathic stare. She seemed defunct of any emotion as I, and others were talking to her. It was really strange. I went home at least knowing I did what I set out to.
I joined a gym and have been trying to get my calories up since I struggle with an ED. I've added much more protein to my diet and have pretty much cut all processed sugar aside from occasional eating-out. I shower every day or every other day, brush and floss daily now (and have been for several months). I drink nothing but water now too, even though I used to only drink soda. My vitals have slightly improved in most areas. I try to maintain a journal, but I haven't in a while and need to do it again. I got my driver's license. I got a job (and quit it from poor management). I opened up a booth at an antique style store.
Yesterday, I talked to a recruiter (something I've been meaning to do for years). Unfortunately, I am disqualified at no chance of a waiver because of being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Still, I did it, and that's out of the way. That's why my day has been utter shit. I know I'm going to be NEET/Hikki longer than I would like to be, and my chances of college are now slimmer. When I'm working, it's always part time and only enough to get by month to month; everything is going to be an uphill battle and it's just discouraging. If I wasn't an emotionless husk that had something to get up for, it'd be different.
I will never experience strong emotions again, nor find something that fills me with passion. I'll be a robot doing basic tasks just to get by, and wasting away my youth trying to bring up the numbers in my bank account just to go on a trip to a country the military could have offered me for free (if it wasn't for the mental health issue my psychotic family fucking gave me), in hopes I might feel a sliver of something.
Literally anything that pushes me forward at this point. I'm trying to improve my physical health, maybe learn a new language, start drawing again, buy a bullet journal, find a job that is tolerable, save and go back to college. Maybe start my own forge once I get my own place, and become a private contractor.
>>23216>I joined a gym and have been trying to get my calories up > since I struggle with ED.
Ooof. That's difficult. When you have ED - people don't treat you the same. It has always been awkward to go out in public when you have body issues.
I think… people look at you like you're less of a person. I feel so
self conscious around my class mates.
I struggle with Erectile Dysfunction ;)
too, anon. Stay strong for me. Jk… Or am I ??? (° ʖ°)
But in all seriousness – that sucks about the army business.
How long ago were you hospitalized? Maybe they won't care about it after a year or two?
Also some universities in the USA (assuming you were referencing the US GI Bill benefits program) have really good work-study programs where taking a part time job at the university will cover most if not all the cost.
Beyond that – if you are a minority (in any sense) you could register for grants or need-based scholarship money but it isn't guaranteed.
It's tough certainly but not impossible -
shoot for the moon, anon.
Also – the brain gets screwed up by too much vidya and internet – that would explain your lack of motivation, interests, & emotions – the longer you spend away from it, the better you will be.
The theory goes like this : The environment you expose to your brain changes the gene expression in the brain cells - which in turn affects the sensitivity of neurons to different stimuli & neurotransmitters.
TLDR; It's like you stared directly into the sun for a while and it gave you temporary blindness.
Expect a few more weeks of this before your brain starts to "recalibrate" – though it might take months before you fully readjust.
That's how it was/is for me.
>>23221>How long ago were you hospitalized? Maybe they won't care about it after a year or two?
Over a year ago. It does not matter; I asked the recruiter. My situation is a permaban from the military, no exceptions.
Getting a part time job in at my local university is near impossible; there's a killing of people you're competing with. Only 1 of my 8 friends got the job as an assistant.
>…if you are a minority
>Also – the brain gets screwed up by too much vidya and internet
I don't play vidya. While I do too much internet, I just don't have any alternatives. I'm far from everything and drive an unreliable junker. No money in the bank as well. I have no idea how to get out of this shithole. I've cut off internet for months at a time before, it doesn't really improve much. I was depressed even before I had electronics. I just barely got a cell phone. I use the internet to learn new languages, read, sell things, and socialize. It's all I have. I make an effort to go hiking and leave the house without electronics regularly, but I come home to a furniture-less house. The internet is really my only form of entertainment. I've tried to make friends IRL; none want to give me their phone number, just social media (I don't use anymore). None want to make an effort to meet up, "Why can't we just keep messaging over Instagram??"
wow, you are basically me, but you're a bit better at being me since you go hiking and stuff
God… wow, I'll admit the military was a long shot but the competition for university part time jobs sucks. And you don't live any nearby anything…
If I think of anything that sounds helpful given your circumstances - I'll let you know. That said - it might be in your interests to try to move somewhere else in the country which shouldn't be too hard considering you don't have much furniture.
Do you mind if I ask where you live ? I myself am Pennsylvania, USA (currently in the general region near Pittsburgh).
Moving requires a lot of money, at least 3 months worth of rent saved up, and my health insurance only covers a very specific hospital that's only in my state. I can't leave, or I'm without coverage. I guess it doesn't matter because my medical is insane even after coverage. I'm heavily considering moving to Europe; some countries offer assistance to foreigners looking to become citizens. I could also join their military, depression isn't a DQ in most of them, and they offer medical assistance to get you up to par in the ones that do; I have to learn their language, however.
I live in California. People think it's easy to get help here because we're the "welfare state," but unless you're brown (and even then), your life here is gonna be misery. Even my friend with cerebral palsy had to lawyer up just to get less than a year of disability. Expenses are through the roof and there's no way to get assistance on anything because of waitlists from here to hell. I couldn't even get into a homeless shelter when I needed it, because druggies were prioritized. The United States is just dystopian as fuck.
>How your day has been
yesterday i woke up at 6pm, today i woke up at 3pm, hopefully i can wake up before noon tomorrow
>woes of being a neet/hikki
hahahahah. knowing i can't handle the pressures of a normal life
>things you've achieved lately
i've been reading a lot the past few weeks. i basically designed a course on russian literature and history for myself and i'm barreling through it. i hope i can keep this momentum going.
staying like this forever
to finally start teaching myself higher level math. i have a pile of textbooks to work through but i'm really scared of failure and scared that my traumatic brain injury from four years ago made me stupid forever. making myself read again has helped me recover somewhat, but i'm scared that if i try to do more i'll find out its impossible.
I'm really happy this thread has gotten so many replies! I'm looking forward to talking to you all <3
Gonna reply to all you lovely ladies, and then I will write my diary entry later tonight. >>23208>I fear becoming like one of my relatives who's in their mid 50s and lives alone with a cat or two
Yup, I really feel this. Both of my parents were NEETs and their bad habits have definitely rubbed off on me, I fear growing older and repeating their lives in that way. They just used to like to sit around in the lounge room all day watching TV, every single day. >I have cut out 95% of the time I spend on youtube & vidya>put it toward learning to draw and play guitar
Congrats! What songs have you been learning to play? Are you learning songs on the guitar and singing at the same time?>>23212
Yeah haha… It's not good. My personal hygiene wasn't always this bad but my depression has gotten the best of me through the last year. I'm very lucky to have a bf who genuinely loves me and is supportive with helping me get back on track. >>23216>I am unmotivated to do anything>goals >get a bullet journal
seriously this helped me alot, I struggled with motivation issues cause of playing vidya too much my whole life, and if you like to do art and want to draw, this is a good gateway into it. I would really recommend picking one of these up.>>23250>fears >staying like this forever >things you've achieved > i basically designed a course on russian literature and history for myself and i'm barreling through it
That's awesome, it takes alot of dedication to completely set it up, and then go through with it too.
You own alot of educational books? >i have a pile of textbooks to work through but i'm really scared of failure
well, you're only gonna fail if you don't do it, even if you fail some of it, you're smarter than before so that's a success, and you can always try again if you fail some and learn it in the future. I hope you succeed anon!
>>23252>well, you're only gonna fail if you don't do it, even if you fail some of it, you're smarter than before so that's a success, and you can always try again if you fail some and learn it in the future. I hope you succeed anon!
thank you very much anon…!! i woke up at 11:15AM today, a tiny little victory. tomorrow i will try to get up and stay up at 9AM, and stick to getting up at 9AM for the rest of the week. idk why but starting a new schedule on a monday seems luckier than any other day of the week.
my chores for today are simple - taking out the trash and recycling, doing the dishes, etc. i will make this apartment shine! and i will set up my calculus textbook, my blank notebook, and my calculator on the kitchen table, along with the book i'm reading. that way all i have to do is sit down and get started. i can read for 5-6 hours a day now, so i'll try to work on the math for 2 hours.
i want to try doing the X chart thing from hb, too, so i'll make a couple of charts today. stuff like brushing my teeth, showering, and so on. we can all encourage each other
i woke up at 9:45 but fell asleep again until 1:30. it's that time of the month, as of last night, so i can blame my exhaustion on the blood loss. tomorrow i should be able to get up at 9. i walked to the closest store and got milk, too, so i can make coffee when i get up tomorrow morning. that should help me stay awake.
i made two "scorecards", one for brushing my teeth, one for showering. that has been a success so far - i showered and brushed my teeth for the first time in about two weeks. i also brushed my hair, which was a rat's nest.
i put my math textbook and notebook on the common table, but didn't open either one. instead i read 300/650 pages of the second volume of 'Gulag Archipelago'. and i washed all of the utensils and dishes that were piled up in the sink, and took the trash out.
if i'm going to make any progress on the math thing i will probably have to set aside a day for it. it's easier for me to focus on one thing for eight hours than spend two hours on one thing and two hours on another.
tomorrow i have to set up a doctor's appointment. freaking out would be an understatement - interacting with authority figures is terrifying for me. but i can't put it off any longer. i have to get new scrips for my meds.
i hope you all had okay days, too.
>>23345>i made two "scorecards", one for brushing my teeth, one for showering
How is this going for you? I haven't made scoresheets yet but I've been keeping track of my showering, brushing my teeth and washing my face.>i also brushed my hair, which was a rat's nest
If you have trouble brushing your hair every day maybe get a short haircut because it won't get so tangled if you forget about it. This always happens to me, but I forget anyway and then my hair just gets a terrible mess. >i put my math textbook and notebook on the common table, but didn't open either one>if i'm going to make any progress on the math thing i will probably have to set aside a day for it.
Any progress?>tomorrow i have to set up a doctor's appointment
Good luck >_< I have to book a therapist and I can't pick up the phone and do it.
Sorry for not replying for a few days, I get anxious and then it's hard for me to write anything. I'm trying to go to therapy for it atm, but I'm just spending most of my time on my own and then staying up late playing games at internet cafes.
I'm reading 'How Proust can change your life' and trying to learn how to draw digital art, I've only just started so my art is garbage tier but once I've practiced more I'll post some in this thread.
I wanted to put my scorecards in a bullet journal I have but I lost it somewhere so I'll probably start it in a different book.
>>23468>Sorry for not replying for a few days, I get anxious and then it's hard for me to write anything
my hair is really nice and it's not too hard to take care of it, i just get depressed. >math
in fairness the whole town lost power and it's been rolling blackouts the past 48 hours so it was too dark to do anything / the medical center was closed too. ice storm.
i have managed to shower and brush my teeth 3 times in the past 5 days so my hygiene is getting better. and i woke up at 9am a few times, too. slow progress is better than none at all.
i just want to get better all at once and be okay again, but i'm trying not to get frustrated about how slow its going. as long as i keep going and don't give up things will get better.
I would be willing to help, anon.
I am entirely serious about this.
thank you…! it's stuff i already learned, mostly, when i was still taking classes. the issue isn't really the math itself. it's that until the brain trauma, i was really good at academia across the board, and didn't understand why i couldn't do it anymore. i kept signing up for the same class several semesters in a row and failing out every time. i never had any test-taking anxiety before that happened, but i developed an extreme case of it. i would drive to class and be unable to get out of my car, it was so terrifying.
another aspect to it is that my father was a genius - he got his phd in astrophysics when he was 24, and he was always happy to teach me and go over things with me, but he died suddenly when i was 16. so it wasn't just "i guess i'm stupid now", but "i never deserved to be your daughter"
i wanted to be able to read and understand his phd thesis. i guess i still do, i just have a huge amount of emotional baggage to let go of. i really appreciate the offer, it's just something i have to do myself yknow.
funny enough, that was the field of research i wanted to go into. still love it. i'm pretty optimistic right now about my chances of recovery - over the past four years, i've gone from struggling to focus for 20 minutes to being able to read nonfiction for several hours a day, and my memory has been improving too. i "feel" like my brain is about where it was before the TBI, and i'm pretty sure returning to studying mathematics will help me keep improving.
i did lose some gray matter, but my approach to that news was like an image compression algorithm - figuring out how to store the same amount of information in less space. (so, by my reasoning, going beyond calculus should help me format my own brain for maximum efficiency.)
i'm less scared of starting now that i've talked about it. i think today will be my "math day", if the power stays on so i can work on it. thank you very much, if i get stuck on something i'll definitely ask for help
ahhhh. i'm glad the thread got pruned. personal circumstances aside i'm still a NEET hikki and interacting with "helpful strangers" just makes me sound like a sob story. i just want to talk to OP and other female NEETs. it doesn't really matter "how" or "why" i wound up like this. i'm sure OP has it just as hard, if not harder, than me. we have the same problem and i don't want to sound like i think i'm better than anyone else. i'm really lazy.>>23468
the power is back on all over town. i read through the first chapter in my textbook, but didn't do any of the problems. then i wound up getting sick with a fever, so i haven't gotten anything done the past two days. i felt a little better today, though, so i hope tomorrow i can make myself start the problems.
i hope you had a good weekend
>>23566>i read through the first chapter in my textbook, but didn't do any of the problems.
We were counting on you, anon.
I was about to post to ask you how your work was going :(.
Try not to let yourself down like that.
If there is anything you would like advice about, all you need to do is ask.
Maybe try to work on the first 3 problems?
Post one of them here, and we can solve it together? By which I mean I cheer you on as you do all the work.
book three of gulag archipelago (the final volume) arrived in the mail today and i'm reading that instead. ~525 pages. i want to pull an all nighter to finish reading it and reset my sleep schedule (again)… the more people bug me to do something and the more their expectations pile up the less likely i am to do it. i know they're trying to help, but i have a shitty contrarian personality, and being just plain stubborn and contrary is why i haven't killed myself so it's tough to let go of it… but my personality is something i should try to fix, as well… i hate that goodwill is wasted on me… maybe if i just mentally translate people's good wishes into the kind of thing that motivates me (spite and sarcasm) i can respond appropriately. but i'm not always like this, sometimes encouragement really helps. but i don't want anyone to go out of their way for my sake and you'd have to be a mind reader to know which to do at any given time, and i should really learn how to cope with positive attention like a normal adult. ughhhhhh i'm a pain in the ass. sorry i'm like this. thank you anyway.
in the past week i showered and brushed my teeth 4/7 days, so this week i'll aim for 5/7. i also washed my hair and applied keratin leave-in spray and a tiny bit of argan oil, so it's not heavy or greasy anymore. i woke up before noon twice, so i'll try to wake up at 9AM three times this week. and i did zero math problems, so my goal is … to do one. just one. one would be enough if i can just . just get started, i should be able to gather momentum.
Honestly posting here daily is a habit I need to kick. Something like dreamchan's /deeds/ is more throwaway and doesn't encourage you to check as often.
Today I stayed up until 8 am coding, then slept until 5 pm. I stayed in bed for another hour daydreaming, then got out and did some grocery shopping. Back to bed now to lurk for the rest of the day (night).
With what language?
i'm glad you were able to accomplish something! i successfully pulled an all nighter to finish reading my book, and, with the confidence of the sleep-deprived, i was able to go to the clinic and set up the appointment for medication that i've been putting off for weeks. i should have enough pills to last me until i get a new script, which is a relief. it's difficult for me to take action unless i'm already in a crisis, so it is a step in the right direction. i'm really sleepy now and i'll probably do nothing productive for the rest of the day, but i got one major thing done.
Does anyone else talk to themselves? Like, construct alter egos to chat with, and maybe walk about the house while you do this? I get so into these conversations.
actually, are half neet/hikkis allowed itt? i swear i don't go outside unless it's for school
How’s the math going?
When you say higher level math - do we mean calculus, vector calc, basic differential eqs, advanced diff eq. , advanced theory like real analysis, functional analysis, abstract algebra, topography, number theory, graph theory?
Non linear dynamics, information theory, cryptography?
Have I mentioned it?
Post a picture of the first problem you want to do. We will see who can finish it first!
I for one welcome half-hikkis, take this thread as a constant reminder not to let it get that bad
Coder Anon, could you help me learn about multithreading? It’s getting pretty confusing.
I'm so much of a noob that I wasn't even comfortable responding to >>23597
. But I know there are other coding anons here who can probably help!
I’m sure you’re not that much of a noob - you spent the night coding.
Anyhow, you must
be better than me. About half of the time I use pointers for something, my code gets so buggy it’s unfixable.
Today, I ordered Hawaiian pizza. I have a fond childhood memory of enjoying it as a kid when I was in another country. This was from the same chain, so I assumed that it'd taste the same.
Unfortunately, this version was disgusting, and I'm not exaggerating when I say it actually made me feel sick to my stomach. Despite all this, I'm not going back on my views, and will continue to defend pineapple on pizza. I know it isn't normally this bad, and I refuse to convert to the "Pineapple on pizza is disgusting" side of the spectrum.
Fuck you, Pizza Hut. You bitches really tried to poison me.
Reminds me of the Polandball comic where CanadaBall’s pizza is compared to crimes against humanity.
Ever try making pizza from scratch? You can buy the dough premade - and then add fresh cheese and sauce - maybe some veggies, meat and, of course, pineapple. Season to taste - I like herbs, fresh or dried.
It’s fun and yummy
I'm scared of cooking on my own because I just think of fires and I don't have an oven at my disposal but I've always wanted to make a pizza
It looks really fun rolling the dough
i like pineapple on my pizza too but they always mess it up when i order it so i get pineapple slices and cut them up myself. its an extra trip to the market but its way better
calculus, then analysis, then set theory, and a couple of other topics i am interested in like topology. i am using spivak's calculus (4th edition) because the way he writes is easy for me to understand and because i prefer a proofs-based approach. i have learned how to differentiate, integrate, and do some basic parlor tricks with sequences & series but i don't know why any of it works, which is Terrible (for me anyway). my teacher never bothered to explain why there was a factorial in the denominator of the taylor series, i sort of figured it out on my own by fucking around with nth integrals of x^2 for a day. since it's a proofs-based approach it doesn't really make sense to try to do it faster than someone or together with someone over the internet… pardon my autism
i pulled an all nighter last night to read and get myself punch-drunk tired enough to walk to the closest medical center and set up the doctor's appointment i have to have without having a panic attack going outside and now it's 3AM and i really have to sleep. i've been living here for months on a camping bed or just sleeping on the floor in my room but i finally got a mattress. the bedframe arrived, and i want to set things up but i will have to rearrange everything in the room. currently on my (nice) mattress on the floor. once i get that done my desk will have some natural light from the window and i will have room to sit at it. i'm dizzy from being tired even lying down right now. but i showered and brushed my teeth monday and tuesday and that routine is getting a little easier.
good night and sorry to continue to disappoint the math fans. i will try my best
I am clapping for you.
Bravo. That’s quite ambitious.
I don't know your bsckstory but I moved last year and it took months to set up a fridge, and I only recently got proper living room furniture. You're getting a lot done, keep moving with the momentum.
Been there, done that. Regular panic attacks, usually at night, for weeks on end.
Most miserable 9 months of my life. Although they recurred about 16 months later.
While medication might help you, I found that somewhere underneath my panic attacks was a sort of depression and existential crisis, because I was wasting my life.
I remember reading Man’s Search for Meaning
by Frankl, and it was a bit life changing.
It suggests that regardless of what happens in our lives, we can feel good about the world if we strive for personal goals for personal reasons, and act in a way that is consistent with our values. Live authentically.
I am not sure this will help you -
Most psychological issues have both internal, neurological and external, environmental aspects.
Also practice meditation and try to get regular exercise - it’s hard to stop an attack once it has begun but these can help a little bit.
But it is worth a read. And clearly you like reading. Which I deeply respect, btw.
Do you ever feel kinda overwhelmed by bitterness and sadness?
Not just sad, but sorta angry - at yourself usually, because other people aren't responsible for your choices, but also at life in general.
Just frustrated yet somewhat powerless. Not completely powerless – its that you can't transform your life today, or tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. Maybe it will be 3 years, maybe 5, maybe 10. Who knows if you will even succeed in escaping NEET-dom? There's no way to tell, and progress is slow.
The road to becoming satisfied with life again is soooooo long. And everyday you see so many happy people who grew up in the same generation – who have been successful in relationships and careers – and you feel wretched.
I get that feeling all the time. It makes me want to give up and go back to being a NEET. And some times I did do exactly that. But that won't solve anything. And so I continue to struggle.
Mr. Godot told me to tell you that he won't come this evening but surely tomorrow. Without fail.
How are you doing math Anon.
Have you been brushing your teeth and practicing good hygiene?
Have you been able to sleep at night?
Are your panic attack under control?
How your work going?
Pls update so we know ur OK!
thank you … and i always appreciate book recs, i'll see if i can get my hands on it. today i woke up around noon. i went through my roommate's plants and removed a bunch of dead and damaged leaves and things, because moths were hiding in them. -_- once i got going i hauled most of my furniture out of my room into the common area, moved everything around, opened up and assembled my bedframe, and for the first time in a very long time (several years) i'm going to be sleeping in "my own bed." change makes me nervous so i had to take breaks as i went along, but i got it done. i got fast food for dinner and had a beer to celebrate and put my leftovers in the fridge. just brushed my teeth and settled into bed.
tomorrow i'm going to try to wake up earlier, take out the trash and recycling, clean the shower, go get milk for coffee, organize my stuff, do some laundry, and then spend the afternoon either reading or working on the math. >>23634
yes. but there's no rock bottom, and even if you give up, life keeps happening to you.