Hikki/NEET Diaries Anonymous 23206
I wanted to make a thread to blogpost about being a Hikikiomori or a NEET, mainly to be able to talk about how you're progressing and to help with accountability.
I've tried journalling for a long time but I always fall off because it feels pointless to write long pages to myself that no one will ever read.
Post ITT: How your day has been, woes of being a neet/hikki, things you've achieved lately, your fears, and goals.
Today I stayed inside for most of the day. I'm living with my boyfriend, and his dad. I never really have to leave the house so it's very comfy for me. But I had to go to a doctors appointment today, they gave me x5 repeats of my Prozac so I've been double dosing them because they're not effective enough. I think I have to see a psych! But I don't wanna because they scare me.
I just sold my PC screens, which is the last part of my PC I had to sell. (It was a beast, cost about 5k to build) I sold it so I can try to get over my internet addiction. Now I have to go to internet cafes to vidya, and it kinda feels like I'm doing things like going outside.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to organize my room and start one of those X charts in /hb/, I have to pick up alot of good habits like uhh… showering every day, brushing my teeth, etc… I'm abit of a lost cause atm but I'm trying to get back on my feet. :)
Hope some miners will join this thread with me, but ill post in it on my lonesome every day if no one does
>>23207>lives with bf>doesn't shower or brush teeth
You don't really
make friends at that age. It's like getting remarried as a senior after the death of a spouse.
>How your day has been
Rough. It just started, but yesterday's emotions are still lingering.
>Woes of being a neet/hikki
I am unmotivated to do anything. I don't have any interests that excite me. I make up completely lame goals that I know won't make me happy, just to go out and do something, in hopes it may spark some sort of emotion. It doesn't.
>things you've achieved lately
One of those things I was talking myself into going to was a yoga class; it didn't do anything for me. I wanted to go out just to be surrounded by other people; I've been meaning to try a community meet up since high school, but everyone in the group already knows each other. I decided to pull myself up by the bootstraps and introduce myself to the instructor, only to be met with strange robotic response. She had that thousand yard, sociopathic stare. She seemed defunct of any emotion as I, and others were talking to her. It was really strange. I went home at least knowing I did what I set out to.
I joined a gym and have been trying to get my calories up since I struggle with an ED. I've added much more protein to my diet and have pretty much cut all processed sugar aside from occasional eating-out. I shower every day or every other day, brush and floss daily now (and have been for several months). I drink nothing but water now too, even though I used to only drink soda. My vitals have slightly improved in most areas. I try to maintain a journal, but I haven't in a while and need to do it again. I got my driver's license. I got a job (and quit it from poor management). I opened up a booth at an antique style store.
Yesterday, I talked to a recruiter (something I've been meaning to do for years). Unfortunately, I am disqualified at no chance of a waiver because of being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. Still, I did it, and that's out of the way. That's why my day has been utter shit. I know I'm going to be NEET/Hikki longer than I would like to be, and my chances of college are now slimmer. When I'm working, it's always part time and only enough to get by month to month; everything is going to be an uphill battle and it's just discouraging. If I wasn't an emotionless husk that had something to get up for, it'd be different.
I will never experience strong emotions again, nor find something that fills me with passion. I'll be a robot doing basic tasks just to get by, and wasting away my youth trying to bring up the numbers in my bank account just to go on a trip to a country the military could have offered me for free (if it wasn't for the mental health issue my psychotic family fucking gave me), in hopes I might feel a sliver of something.
Literally anything that pushes me forward at this point. I'm trying to improve my physical health, maybe learn a new language, start drawing again, buy a bullet journal, find a job that is tolerable, save and go back to college. Maybe start my own forge once I get my own place, and become a private contractor.
>How long ago were you hospitalized? Maybe they won't care about it after a year or two?
Over a year ago. It does not matter; I asked the recruiter. My situation is a permaban from the military, no exceptions.
Getting a part time job in at my local university is near impossible; there's a killing of people you're competing with. Only 1 of my 8 friends got the job as an assistant.
>…if you are a minority
>Also – the brain gets screwed up by too much vidya and internet
I don't play vidya. While I do too much internet, I just don't have any alternatives. I'm far from everything and drive an unreliable junker. No money in the bank as well. I have no idea how to get out of this shithole. I've cut off internet for months at a time before, it doesn't really improve much. I was depressed even before I had electronics. I just barely got a cell phone. I use the internet to learn new languages, read, sell things, and socialize. It's all I have. I make an effort to go hiking and leave the house without electronics regularly, but I come home to a furniture-less house. The internet is really my only form of entertainment. I've tried to make friends IRL; none want to give me their phone number, just social media (I don't use anymore). None want to make an effort to meet up, "Why can't we just keep messaging over Instagram??"
wow, you are basically me, but you're a bit better at being me since you go hiking and stuff
Moving requires a lot of money, at least 3 months worth of rent saved up, and my health insurance only covers a very specific hospital that's only in my state. I can't leave, or I'm without coverage. I guess it doesn't matter because my medical is insane even after coverage. I'm heavily considering moving to Europe; some countries offer assistance to foreigners looking to become citizens. I could also join their military, depression isn't a DQ in most of them, and they offer medical assistance to get you up to par in the ones that do; I have to learn their language, however.
I live in California. People think it's easy to get help here because we're the "welfare state," but unless you're brown (and even then), your life here is gonna be misery. Even my friend with cerebral palsy had to lawyer up just to get less than a year of disability. Expenses are through the roof and there's no way to get assistance on anything because of waitlists from here to hell. I couldn't even get into a homeless shelter when I needed it, because druggies were prioritized. The United States is just dystopian as fuck.
>How your day has been
yesterday i woke up at 6pm, today i woke up at 3pm, hopefully i can wake up before noon tomorrow
>woes of being a neet/hikki
hahahahah. knowing i can't handle the pressures of a normal life
>things you've achieved lately
i've been reading a lot the past few weeks. i basically designed a course on russian literature and history for myself and i'm barreling through it. i hope i can keep this momentum going.
staying like this forever
to finally start teaching myself higher level math. i have a pile of textbooks to work through but i'm really scared of failure and scared that my traumatic brain injury from four years ago made me stupid forever. making myself read again has helped me recover somewhat, but i'm scared that if i try to do more i'll find out its impossible.
I'm really happy this thread has gotten so many replies! I'm looking forward to talking to you all <3
Gonna reply to all you lovely ladies, and then I will write my diary entry later tonight. >>23208>I fear becoming like one of my relatives who's in their mid 50s and lives alone with a cat or two
Yup, I really feel this. Both of my parents were NEETs and their bad habits have definitely rubbed off on me, I fear growing older and repeating their lives in that way. They just used to like to sit around in the lounge room all day watching TV, every single day. >I have cut out 95% of the time I spend on youtube & vidya>put it toward learning to draw and play guitar
Congrats! What songs have you been learning to play? Are you learning songs on the guitar and singing at the same time?>>23212
Yeah haha… It's not good. My personal hygiene wasn't always this bad but my depression has gotten the best of me through the last year. I'm very lucky to have a bf who genuinely loves me and is supportive with helping me get back on track. >>23216>I am unmotivated to do anything>goals >get a bullet journal
seriously this helped me alot, I struggled with motivation issues cause of playing vidya too much my whole life, and if you like to do art and want to draw, this is a good gateway into it. I would really recommend picking one of these up.>>23250>fears >staying like this forever >things you've achieved > i basically designed a course on russian literature and history for myself and i'm barreling through it
That's awesome, it takes alot of dedication to completely set it up, and then go through with it too.
You own alot of educational books? >i have a pile of textbooks to work through but i'm really scared of failure
well, you're only gonna fail if you don't do it, even if you fail some of it, you're smarter than before so that's a success, and you can always try again if you fail some and learn it in the future. I hope you succeed anon!
>>23252>well, you're only gonna fail if you don't do it, even if you fail some of it, you're smarter than before so that's a success, and you can always try again if you fail some and learn it in the future. I hope you succeed anon!
thank you very much anon…!! i woke up at 11:15AM today, a tiny little victory. tomorrow i will try to get up and stay up at 9AM, and stick to getting up at 9AM for the rest of the week. idk why but starting a new schedule on a monday seems luckier than any other day of the week.
my chores for today are simple - taking out the trash and recycling, doing the dishes, etc. i will make this apartment shine! and i will set up my calculus textbook, my blank notebook, and my calculator on the kitchen table, along with the book i'm reading. that way all i have to do is sit down and get started. i can read for 5-6 hours a day now, so i'll try to work on the math for 2 hours.
i want to try doing the X chart thing from hb, too, so i'll make a couple of charts today. stuff like brushing my teeth, showering, and so on. we can all encourage each other
i woke up at 9:45 but fell asleep again until 1:30. it's that time of the month, as of last night, so i can blame my exhaustion on the blood loss. tomorrow i should be able to get up at 9. i walked to the closest store and got milk, too, so i can make coffee when i get up tomorrow morning. that should help me stay awake.
i made two "scorecards", one for brushing my teeth, one for showering. that has been a success so far - i showered and brushed my teeth for the first time in about two weeks. i also brushed my hair, which was a rat's nest.
i put my math textbook and notebook on the common table, but didn't open either one. instead i read 300/650 pages of the second volume of 'Gulag Archipelago'. and i washed all of the utensils and dishes that were piled up in the sink, and took the trash out.
if i'm going to make any progress on the math thing i will probably have to set aside a day for it. it's easier for me to focus on one thing for eight hours than spend two hours on one thing and two hours on another.
tomorrow i have to set up a doctor's appointment. freaking out would be an understatement - interacting with authority figures is terrifying for me. but i can't put it off any longer. i have to get new scrips for my meds.
i hope you all had okay days, too.
>>23345>i made two "scorecards", one for brushing my teeth, one for showering
How is this going for you? I haven't made scoresheets yet but I've been keeping track of my showering, brushing my teeth and washing my face.>i also brushed my hair, which was a rat's nest
If you have trouble brushing your hair every day maybe get a short haircut because it won't get so tangled if you forget about it. This always happens to me, but I forget anyway and then my hair just gets a terrible mess. >i put my math textbook and notebook on the common table, but didn't open either one>if i'm going to make any progress on the math thing i will probably have to set aside a day for it.
Any progress?>tomorrow i have to set up a doctor's appointment
Good luck >_< I have to book a therapist and I can't pick up the phone and do it.
Sorry for not replying for a few days, I get anxious and then it's hard for me to write anything. I'm trying to go to therapy for it atm, but I'm just spending most of my time on my own and then staying up late playing games at internet cafes.
I'm reading 'How Proust can change your life' and trying to learn how to draw digital art, I've only just started so my art is garbage tier but once I've practiced more I'll post some in this thread.
I wanted to put my scorecards in a bullet journal I have but I lost it somewhere so I'll probably start it in a different book.
>>23468>Sorry for not replying for a few days, I get anxious and then it's hard for me to write anything
my hair is really nice and it's not too hard to take care of it, i just get depressed. >math
in fairness the whole town lost power and it's been rolling blackouts the past 48 hours so it was too dark to do anything / the medical center was closed too. ice storm.
i have managed to shower and brush my teeth 3 times in the past 5 days so my hygiene is getting better. and i woke up at 9am a few times, too. slow progress is better than none at all.
i just want to get better all at once and be okay again, but i'm trying not to get frustrated about how slow its going. as long as i keep going and don't give up things will get better.
I would be willing to help, anon.
I am entirely serious about this.
thank you…! it's stuff i already learned, mostly, when i was still taking classes. the issue isn't really the math itself. it's that until the brain trauma, i was really good at academia across the board, and didn't understand why i couldn't do it anymore. i kept signing up for the same class several semesters in a row and failing out every time. i never had any test-taking anxiety before that happened, but i developed an extreme case of it. i would drive to class and be unable to get out of my car, it was so terrifying.
another aspect to it is that my father was a genius - he got his phd in astrophysics when he was 24, and he was always happy to teach me and go over things with me, but he died suddenly when i was 16. so it wasn't just "i guess i'm stupid now", but "i never deserved to be your daughter"
i wanted to be able to read and understand his phd thesis. i guess i still do, i just have a huge amount of emotional baggage to let go of. i really appreciate the offer, it's just something i have to do myself yknow.
funny enough, that was the field of research i wanted to go into. still love it. i'm pretty optimistic right now about my chances of recovery - over the past four years, i've gone from struggling to focus for 20 minutes to being able to read nonfiction for several hours a day, and my memory has been improving too. i "feel" like my brain is about where it was before the TBI, and i'm pretty sure returning to studying mathematics will help me keep improving.
i did lose some gray matter, but my approach to that news was like an image compression algorithm - figuring out how to store the same amount of information in less space. (so, by my reasoning, going beyond calculus should help me format my own brain for maximum efficiency.)
i'm less scared of starting now that i've talked about it. i think today will be my "math day", if the power stays on so i can work on it. thank you very much, if i get stuck on something i'll definitely ask for help
ahhhh. i'm glad the thread got pruned. personal circumstances aside i'm still a NEET hikki and interacting with "helpful strangers" just makes me sound like a sob story. i just want to talk to OP and other female NEETs. it doesn't really matter "how" or "why" i wound up like this. i'm sure OP has it just as hard, if not harder, than me. we have the same problem and i don't want to sound like i think i'm better than anyone else. i'm really lazy.>>23468
the power is back on all over town. i read through the first chapter in my textbook, but didn't do any of the problems. then i wound up getting sick with a fever, so i haven't gotten anything done the past two days. i felt a little better today, though, so i hope tomorrow i can make myself start the problems.
i hope you had a good weekend
>>23566>i read through the first chapter in my textbook, but didn't do any of the problems.
We were counting on you, anon.
I was about to post to ask you how your work was going :(.
Try not to let yourself down like that.
If there is anything you would like advice about, all you need to do is ask.
Maybe try to work on the first 3 problems?
Post one of them here, and we can solve it together? By which I mean I cheer you on as you do all the work.
book three of gulag archipelago (the final volume) arrived in the mail today and i'm reading that instead. ~525 pages. i want to pull an all nighter to finish reading it and reset my sleep schedule (again)… the more people bug me to do something and the more their expectations pile up the less likely i am to do it. i know they're trying to help, but i have a shitty contrarian personality, and being just plain stubborn and contrary is why i haven't killed myself so it's tough to let go of it… but my personality is something i should try to fix, as well… i hate that goodwill is wasted on me… maybe if i just mentally translate people's good wishes into the kind of thing that motivates me (spite and sarcasm) i can respond appropriately. but i'm not always like this, sometimes encouragement really helps. but i don't want anyone to go out of their way for my sake and you'd have to be a mind reader to know which to do at any given time, and i should really learn how to cope with positive attention like a normal adult. ughhhhhh i'm a pain in the ass. sorry i'm like this. thank you anyway.
in the past week i showered and brushed my teeth 4/7 days, so this week i'll aim for 5/7. i also washed my hair and applied keratin leave-in spray and a tiny bit of argan oil, so it's not heavy or greasy anymore. i woke up before noon twice, so i'll try to wake up at 9AM three times this week. and i did zero math problems, so my goal is … to do one. just one. one would be enough if i can just . just get started, i should be able to gather momentum.
Honestly posting here daily is a habit I need to kick. Something like dreamchan's /deeds/ is more throwaway and doesn't encourage you to check as often.
Today I stayed up until 8 am coding, then slept until 5 pm. I stayed in bed for another hour daydreaming, then got out and did some grocery shopping. Back to bed now to lurk for the rest of the day (night).
i'm glad you were able to accomplish something! i successfully pulled an all nighter to finish reading my book, and, with the confidence of the sleep-deprived, i was able to go to the clinic and set up the appointment for medication that i've been putting off for weeks. i should have enough pills to last me until i get a new script, which is a relief. it's difficult for me to take action unless i'm already in a crisis, so it is a step in the right direction. i'm really sleepy now and i'll probably do nothing productive for the rest of the day, but i got one major thing done.
Does anyone else talk to themselves? Like, construct alter egos to chat with, and maybe walk about the house while you do this? I get so into these conversations.
actually, are half neet/hikkis allowed itt? i swear i don't go outside unless it's for school
How’s the math going?
When you say higher level math - do we mean calculus, vector calc, basic differential eqs, advanced diff eq. , advanced theory like real analysis, functional analysis, abstract algebra, topography, number theory, graph theory?
Non linear dynamics, information theory, cryptography?
Have I mentioned it?
Post a picture of the first problem you want to do. We will see who can finish it first!
I for one welcome half-hikkis, take this thread as a constant reminder not to let it get that bad
Coder Anon, could you help me learn about multithreading? It’s getting pretty confusing.
I'm so much of a noob that I wasn't even comfortable responding to >>23597. But I know there are other coding anons here who can probably help!
I’m sure you’re not that much of a noob - you spent the night coding.
Anyhow, you must
be better than me. About half of the time I use pointers for something, my code gets so buggy it’s unfixable.
Today, I ordered Hawaiian pizza. I have a fond childhood memory of enjoying it as a kid when I was in another country. This was from the same chain, so I assumed that it'd taste the same.
Unfortunately, this version was disgusting, and I'm not exaggerating when I say it actually made me feel sick to my stomach. Despite all this, I'm not going back on my views, and will continue to defend pineapple on pizza. I know it isn't normally this bad, and I refuse to convert to the "Pineapple on pizza is disgusting" side of the spectrum.
Fuck you, Pizza Hut. You bitches really tried to poison me.
Reminds me of the Polandball comic where CanadaBall’s pizza is compared to crimes against humanity.
Ever try making pizza from scratch? You can buy the dough premade - and then add fresh cheese and sauce - maybe some veggies, meat and, of course, pineapple. Season to taste - I like herbs, fresh or dried.
It’s fun and yummy
I'm scared of cooking on my own because I just think of fires and I don't have an oven at my disposal but I've always wanted to make a pizza
It looks really fun rolling the dough
i like pineapple on my pizza too but they always mess it up when i order it so i get pineapple slices and cut them up myself. its an extra trip to the market but its way better
calculus, then analysis, then set theory, and a couple of other topics i am interested in like topology. i am using spivak's calculus (4th edition) because the way he writes is easy for me to understand and because i prefer a proofs-based approach. i have learned how to differentiate, integrate, and do some basic parlor tricks with sequences & series but i don't know why any of it works, which is Terrible (for me anyway). my teacher never bothered to explain why there was a factorial in the denominator of the taylor series, i sort of figured it out on my own by fucking around with nth integrals of x^2 for a day. since it's a proofs-based approach it doesn't really make sense to try to do it faster than someone or together with someone over the internet… pardon my autism
i pulled an all nighter last night to read and get myself punch-drunk tired enough to walk to the closest medical center and set up the doctor's appointment i have to have without having a panic attack going outside and now it's 3AM and i really have to sleep. i've been living here for months on a camping bed or just sleeping on the floor in my room but i finally got a mattress. the bedframe arrived, and i want to set things up but i will have to rearrange everything in the room. currently on my (nice) mattress on the floor. once i get that done my desk will have some natural light from the window and i will have room to sit at it. i'm dizzy from being tired even lying down right now. but i showered and brushed my teeth monday and tuesday and that routine is getting a little easier.
good night and sorry to continue to disappoint the math fans. i will try my best
I am clapping for you.
Bravo. That’s quite ambitious.
I don't know your bsckstory but I moved last year and it took months to set up a fridge, and I only recently got proper living room furniture. You're getting a lot done, keep moving with the momentum.
Been there, done that. Regular panic attacks, usually at night, for weeks on end.
Most miserable 9 months of my life. Although they recurred about 16 months later.
While medication might help you, I found that somewhere underneath my panic attacks was a sort of depression and existential crisis, because I was wasting my life.
I remember reading Man’s Search for Meaning
by Frankl, and it was a bit life changing.
It suggests that regardless of what happens in our lives, we can feel good about the world if we strive for personal goals for personal reasons, and act in a way that is consistent with our values. Live authentically.
I am not sure this will help you -
Most psychological issues have both internal, neurological and external, environmental aspects.
Also practice meditation and try to get regular exercise - it’s hard to stop an attack once it has begun but these can help a little bit.
But it is worth a read. And clearly you like reading. Which I deeply respect, btw.
How are you doing math Anon.
Have you been brushing your teeth and practicing good hygiene?
Have you been able to sleep at night?
Are your panic attack under control?
How your work going?
Pls update so we know ur OK!
thank you … and i always appreciate book recs, i'll see if i can get my hands on it. today i woke up around noon. i went through my roommate's plants and removed a bunch of dead and damaged leaves and things, because moths were hiding in them. -_- once i got going i hauled most of my furniture out of my room into the common area, moved everything around, opened up and assembled my bedframe, and for the first time in a very long time (several years) i'm going to be sleeping in "my own bed." change makes me nervous so i had to take breaks as i went along, but i got it done. i got fast food for dinner and had a beer to celebrate and put my leftovers in the fridge. just brushed my teeth and settled into bed.
tomorrow i'm going to try to wake up earlier, take out the trash and recycling, clean the shower, go get milk for coffee, organize my stuff, do some laundry, and then spend the afternoon either reading or working on the math.
yes. but there's no rock bottom, and even if you give up, life keeps happening to you.
I had an avocado/bacon/fried chicken burger today. It was delicious and very filling. I might switch out the fried chicken for grilled, though.
I used to not eat meat for ED reasons. I'm glad that I'm not like that anymore. I'll probably always maintain at 27lbs away from my "goal weight" (and it's not a healthy number at all) but maybe that's okay. It's fun trying out different meals.
I had a great time with my cousin. He had visited us and quickly managed to make me feel socially adequate despite me being an isolated NEET and him being a lawyer with a cute girlfriend and seemingly extensive social circle. In retrospect, he was already fairly cute when I initially met him during my early teenage years, but now his personality possessed refinement and charm as well. The only time I recently went outside further than a few steps beyond the house was with him, and he managed to make me feel surprisingly comfortable throughout it all despite my distaste for being surrounded by people. He bought me stuff and got me food, cracked jokes, told me stories, and once even wrapped his arm around my shoulder in a presumably friendly and innocent gesture. I rested my head on his shoulder and he just smiled and laughed, but I felt so good and was melting inside. At home we talked some more while he drank tea with me and later told me goodnight before he went to bed; even that simple gesture felt nice. As I was laying in bed I touched myself while he slept in the room next to mine.
Before he left in the morning we both said goodbye and hugged one another in my room, but I definitely messed up this part because I ended up pressing myself a little too close against him. I tried to mitigate the awkward situation by saying that he smelled nice and that I'll miss him; I could see in his face that he was trying to contain his laughter. He pressed my head against his chest while stroking my hair and telling me that he'll miss me as well, and that he had a good time and wished me all the best, so the situation ended up being mostly salvaged. He probably just thought I was being a dork on purpose at the end, heh.
>That detail was almost entirely unnecessary to the narrative as a whole.
Ugh, I'm sorry for being so disgusting, I'm an unabashedly horny virgin…
>But that you would like a BF who can make you feel the way he does. Someone who has his cuteness. charm, and warmth.
Heh, if warmth also encompasses touch, then absolutely. I feel great joy at being touched and doing the touching; it just feels so nice and primal.
>Am I interpreting you correctly?
Well, I just like real men.
I'm sad. I don't think I want this anymore, but he's the only person who knows me so well. We've built up so much together.
I can't face the world without someone like him, but I'm more and more jaded about this relationship.
You had one job: To not be a piece of shit. But you couldn't even manage that.
I'm tired of crying, I feel dehydrated.
Wholesome mom-anon, how's your life going? I'm not either of the anons you replied to, but you seem sweet and I want to check in with you and see if you have problems that need checking in with.
>Are you doing well?
Oh no, you shouldn't bother with someone like me, I'm hardly worth the attention, especially when compared to others and their ailing hearts. But yeah, I'm good, as is usually the case. Even as a NEET, I generally do not suffer from boredom, as I have extensive control over my own mind and can make myself feel good if need be. The only time I feel sad or emotional is if I let myself be. But usually I don't need to resort to doing anything like that, as I have other means to actually occupy myself. Sometimes I edit Wikipedia articles en masse. Sometimes I just stare at the stern-looking bust of Julius Caesar in my room and wonder if he was good in bed. Mostly I devour books, which as of now and much of the previous year entailed Chinese history. I guess this also indirectly helped me pick up some Mandarin phrases and words. Although, while I might, for instance, be able to name you most countries on the planet by heart, I always struggled with the most basic of mathematics, and my knowledge of science, physics, and even human biology as a whole is fairly lacking, so there is a significant gap in certain abilities, which I may or may not get around to addressing over the next years/decades. Heck, I used a PC since I was like 6, and even in that regard my knowledge is lacking.
>How’s your progress toward being less NEET and living in the real world?
Uhm, badly? At least in the way you are thinking of, probably. The timeless environment I'm surrounded by really doesn't help. I live on a mountain in a tiny city (really more of a village) that wouldn't look too out of place in the 19th century, were it not for the street lights, modern roads, cars, and the occupying American Air Force jets flying past sometimes…
From my window and balcony door I could look at the sun rising and the fog gently caressing the trees for hours, especially since it is so quiet up here and feels quite comforting.
But yeah, no, I mostly engage with the world in a passive manner through extensively reading on history and politics, which already started back when I was around 16, and which works for me. If I didn't, I'm sure I would be an emanation of a corpse by now and too far distanced from reality.
Although I do have potential outlets and opportunities, and even if all else comes to fail, I'll be the only child of my dad to get his entire inheritance, which is neat.
Thank you, anon. I was in a very dark state of mind when I was writing that post. I think I still want him, but everything is so different now. It's familiar, but different in a way that I don't like.
My heart breaks a little bit whenever I think about him. He lied so, so much. He promised he wouldn't anymore, but then he kept doing it. He's confessing, but he might still be lying. Or he might lie again. I feel so uncertain, it's like I'm split between hope and hopelessness. I miss him when I'm alone. I just want to laugh and smile again with him. But when I get the chance to talk to him or do things with him, I also feel sort of angry and grey on the inside. I'm always on the verge of tears.
There is nothing he can say to make it better. There is no one I can target all this rage toward. I'm just stuck in this waiting game to see if things really do improve, because it's all him, and if they don't, I'm just going to have to pretend to be shocked, cry some more and then leave.
I just feel so out of place. I want to call him every name in the book, but I also want to cling to him and try to squeeze out the last bits of everything that made me fall in love with him.
Ah…Good luck on your finals, anon. What do you study?
He lied at first because he thought I would be disgusted by his true self. He was too stupid to know that I loved him for who he was.
And these other lies…most of them are small white lies, but they still hurt. A lot of them are things he didn't tell the truth about, told a half-truth or simply omitted. Some of them are just pathetic or petty things, like claiming to do something mundane that someone else did because he didn't want me to think he was lazy. Other things are more serious and I'll never understand the reasoning behind them.
I thought he was my soulmate until all this came out. We just clicked so well. I've never connected with anyone like I do with him, so this was, in short, devastating.
He said that me being with him changed him for the better, and that he'll push himself for me (and I have seen some results so far - he's trying to improve his life, bit by bit), so I think he's in a hurry.
I don't even want him to become someone else. I want the person that I met who would cheer me up, and that I would cheer up. I just want him to be who he is without the pathological lying, and to reach the potential I know he has. I can't make him do it, but he says he can and will for my sake. I don't know what to believe. I just don't want to throw everything away, he means so much to me.
Is it difficult? Do you enjoy it? What got you into it?
How did you get started on the "make something neat" part? I have been learning programming but feel stuck on this,no matter how much I study I can only make useless academic-like stuff or baby-tier fun stuff.
that's really cute, honestly. >>23718
shit, girl… i've been in that position too. go no contact for at least a month - no checking their social media, no nothing. helps restore some sanity and clarity. something like your situation was actually how i wound up falling into NEETdom again.>>23738>How is your personal organization? Is your room neat and clean? Have you recently washed your laundry? When was the last time you cleaned your bed sheets? How's your hygiene and self care? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating a balanced diet? Are you still having panic attacks? Is it improving, staying the same, or getting worse? Did you go to your doctors appointment that you mentioned 2 days ago? Managing daily medication is hard… I for one should know.
i-it's like having a mom… heheh. thank you. so far this week i've brushed my teeth every day and only skipped showering once. my laundry is clean, and i make sure to include bedding rotation when i do it. my diet has been getting better and i haven't had any more panic attacks - they only seem to happen when i have to interact with an authority figure, especially someone who could deny me something i need. … probably ptsd related. i think i'm improving. it helps that the weather has been nicer lately, so going outside at night/when no one can see me is fun. and i'm waiting to hear back from the clinic w/rt the doctors appointment.
i have the place to myself until monday because my roommate is visiting family, so i've decided tomorrow i'll attack all the weird miscellaneous chores i want to get done and on sunday i'll park my ass in front of the table and do one (1) - at least one - math problem.
i watched girl, interrupted for the first time today (friday) and i think winona ryder can't act, but angelina jolie as lisa was amazing and the whole atmosphere reminded me (in a good way) of when i was inpatient. gave me a big case of feels.
i'm a compulsive reader, too.
if you can manage to get your hands on a pdf or a copy (it's out of print) To Know A Fly by vincent dethier is a really good introduction to biology.
Thank you to all the anons who talked about reading and building skills here. It's helped reshuffle my priorities. I have two books I've been trying to finish for the past six months: one's on my country's culture and history and the other's a comfy anthology of Singaporean short stories. I'll read the latter tonight with tea.
Blogpost re: reading problems. I used to read around 200 novels annually. Most of it was YA and manga though my taste matured to include introductory philosophy texts, more serious literature and poetry. A few years ago my depression intensified to a point where if I overcame inertia and tried to surpass a paragraph I'd give up almost immediately. I could no longer connect with characters or follow the author's logic, and often ended the attempts by staring at the words without the willpower to make sense of a sentence. Despite my lack of progress I continued purchasing secondhand and discounted novels because I thought I'd "want to read them someday. Needless to say I've hoarded around sixty great but unread books. It's dumb. I felt dumb. I'm still dumb.
But now that I'm talking to people again and getting help for some issues I want to be less pathetic and reclaim a lost passion. It's a healthier hobby than lurking imageboards all day. Maybe then I'll gain the confidence I once possessed to talk about my interests without feeling idiotic. Not sure whether I want to learn a language or focus on an autodidact curriculum yet.
If you want to get into biology I recommend two books on neuroscience: Descartes' Error by António Damásio and The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks. They're fun even if you don't know anything about neurobiology.
Thanks! Will be much appreciated.
girl, interrupted is based on an autobiographical account, so it's more similar to stuff like elizabeth wurtzel's 'prozac nation', marya hornbacher's 'wasted', kay jamison's 'unquiet mind', and so on. those three are really good books. i actually haven't read the book for girl, interrupted, but the movie is decent feel-good stuff. it's about how you have to want to recover and work for it, basically? takes place in a mental ward for women in the vietnam war era.
what family. lol
i have a half sibling i talk to once a month or so. neither of us are on friendly terms with our mother because she's insane and a slut who abandoned us to have a second childhood at the expense of ours. my grandmother helped raise me, but i buried her two years after my father. so i haven't had a "family" in a very long time.
i was able to keep my shit together and be a good substitute mother, hold down a job, put food on the table etc until my half-siblings were 18, and then i mentally and physically collapsed. i never criticized our mother and did my best to give the two of them a normal childhood, so now the other one dislikes me and we don't speak. i'm okay with that.
when i say "dad"/"father" - the genius - i mean the man who adopted me when i was three and fathered my half-siblings. my biological sperm donor was a deadbeat, drug-dealing monster. that's part of why i felt like i "didn't deserve to be his daughter" - biologically i never was. but he knew he wanted to be my dad before he was sure about marrying my mother.
you could say i've buried two fathers, lol. anyway, it's all pretty much old news by this point. the parents of my childhood friends have all taken me in at one point, and they have tried to mother me, but it just feels weird and unnatural and it ends up being embarrassing for us both.
>>23782>Especially the Cold War.
I myself am fascinated by China and with the entire Middle East during, prior, and after that period (i.e. until today). Iraq especially in recent history. Saddam Hussein was one of the most interesting and complex political figures of the late(r) 20th/early 21st century and I have read, and am continuing to read, more on him to this very day. I also own a Certina watch with his gorgeous million-dollar smile and face on it. >>23789>To Know A Fly by vincent dethier
If I see someone extend their arm forward, I think of the action taken; I do not so much think about the physical properties and components that make up and enable this action to be taken. The smallest terms I think about probably involve art, philosophy, and psychology, which is an oxymoron, because the former have huge implications, even if they are theoretical, while the latter is similarly profound, even if it is confined to a person, as there is actual meaning behind it.
If I see the actions of a fly, I do not ascribe meaning to them beyond their evolutionary function. If a man acts in an instinctual manner, I also do not ascribe too much meaning to it, because the instinctual is the base; It is natural but can also be irrational. The thing that separates an insect and a man is that a man can also act as a rational and moral agent, and therefore there is meaning behind it, and something worthwhile to be found in examining and studying it.
Therefore, I wouldn't call it hypocritical to decipher the actions of people, while not ascribing personal reason or paying much attention to the actions of an animal or, more particularly, an insect, mostly because of meaning. Although, sure, we could also argue about how quantum mechanics can be viewed in a way which argues in favor of the fact that all actions in this universe, including those of people, can be examined closely enough to the point where every action a person takes in his life can be predetermined, and I can believe that; being a disbeliever in free will and all, but I still believe that the actions of a person have more meaning than those of an insect, even if they are both slaves to their own cognitive existence in the end.>>23794
Thank you, I'll try to get around to them eventually.>>23788
Love you! Hope you're doing well. Stay strong.
"to know a fly" is not a philosophical treatise - it's a record of a series of experiments, how they were set up, and in general a guide on coaxing empirical data out of chaos. (i'm an empiricist) i suggested it because it's well-written, basically.
I apologize to those who don't care about history; I don't mean to derail this thread on purpose.>>23842>do you mean Ancient China or Recent China
Ancient China (for now). >Any suggestions on where I should start learning again?
Well, I have some books, but they can cost upwards of $200 to $400. I can give you (and anyone else by extension) some free online sources that I have on hand right now, but they obviously reflect my own current interests. They include the documented historical records compiled in the Zizhi Tongjian, a work by Song dynasty historian Sima Guang.
These ones have the late Eastern Han dynasty, Three Kingdoms period, Western Jin dynasty, and a nigh-complete account of the Eastern Jin dynasty and concurrent Sixteen Kingdoms period.
Rafe de Crespigny, Emperor Huan and Emperor Ling
Book 54 - 59 (157 - 189)https://openresearch-repository.anu.edu.au/bitstream/1885/42048/174/802264.pdf
Rafe de Crespigny, To Establish Peace
Book 59 - 63 (189 - 200) https://openresearch-repository.anu.edu.au/bitstream/1885/42049/1/Volume1.pdf
Book 64 - 69 (201 - 220)https://openresearch-repository.anu.edu.au/bitstream/1885/42049/2/Volume2.pdf
Achilles Fang, The Chronicle of the Three Kingdoms
Book 69 - 78 (220 - 265)http://the-scholars.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=22087
Book 79 - 94 (265 - 331)http://the-scholars.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=24289
Book 95 - 116 (332 - 414)http://the-scholars.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=24018>>23843>is not a philosophical treatise
Heya! I actually read it, but I was somewhat intoxicated while making that post. I'm sorry if my ramblings came across as rude or random.
I know it’s not the purpose of the thread but there was a baby hedgehog in my garden and I fed him last fall and this spring and he was finally starting to get big but I just found him dead. These kinda things just make me wanna give up on the world.
Confucian-inspired dynastic governments often believed in appointing educated and aspiring Confucian "gentlemen" (Junzi) from good (i.e. scholar-gentry) families to positions of power. Men who were moral by Confucian standards and saw themselves above the common people (Xiaoren) because of their superior knowledge on, and active participation in, culture, history, and philosophy, but more importantly because of their rigorous adherence to filial piety and other Confucian principles.
This is reflected from the drawn-out 2,100 year-long imperial system, where corruption was often allowed to fester through relying on ministers who conducted and regulated their own behavior, which later became a problem as a dynasty began to face external and/or internal threats, and greed, under at best the thin veneers of morality and loyalty, ran rampant.
The imperial examination system, while quite fascinating and unique, did, broadly speaking, place an overemphasis on knowing the Confucian Classics and (properly) interpreting all aspects of them. You may know all the rituals, but will they be useful to you when governing or leading armies?
This is counterbalanced by the more realistic approach to goverment and governance through Legalism, which despite mostly being in limbo since the fall of the Qin dynasty and rejection by the Han dynasty, still influenced almost every aspect of governance, and was actually supported by numerous officials and even emperors throughout China's history.
Basically, most rulers are bound to be average; nothing special so to speak. The ruler must simply isolate himself and practice non-exertion (Wu wei), whereby he does not have relations with his ministers (and open himself up to their inquiry), who are quite likely to be corrupt and therefore in constant want of acquiring power; in the process of which they are willing to deceive and alienate their ruler from current affairs, and flatter him. The ruler must only interact with his ministers insofar as that he rewards and punishes them based on success and failure (Two Handles), which the ministers willingly take up themselves in hopes of glory and rewards, being fully aware that they will be punished shall they fail (Xing Ming). Meanwhile, what matters to the state is raw productivity, growth, and ensuring the safety of the state and its citizens by utilizing all their domestic resources, building an extensive army, establishing an immense bureaucracy, achieving utter dominance, and thereby security, on the international stage, and doing whatever it takes to get further ahead, which is achieved through these strict laws that foster uniformity and social cohesion, and guide the selfish behavior of people much more than appeals to morality and virtue ever could. There is a good reason that, during the Warring States period, the Qin were seen as ferocious and ultimately ended up unifying China and creating the first imperial dynasty.
Since all subjects are the inferiors to the state, with the state being the sovereign, it also ensures more of a legal equality, albeit a strict one, amongst all the people, from commoner to minister, as opposed to Confucian ideology, which in general is very hierarchical and can be used to justify exceeding nepotism and groupthink, while Legalism espouses meritocracy.
Certain Legalist patterns of thinking and acting seem to be directly favored and enshrined in the present Chinese government, ideologically mixed with a tint of Marxist flavor. Mao and the Gang of Four ensured that traditional Confucian morality and principles were seriously damaged; perhaps a little too viciously, as they seem to be making a comeback with the Chinese youth, who embrace their culture and national identity, and the government itself doesn't seem to mind exporting its soft power through various forms, which includes Confucianism.
>What would you do with a Mandate from Heaven?
Are you actually flirting with me?
my day has been pretty nice, I just tidied up my room and am going to get comfy in the bath.
and then I can go back to reading yaoi as usual
It has the cutest love stories I can't help myself.
I read some gritty masculine stuff but I'll always be weak to bishounen and shoujo since since I was basically raised on it.
I think it's yah-oh-ee but I'm probably saying it wrong because I'm weebtrash.
Don’t bully her. I’m sure she’d never partake in such depravity.
it's not lewd!
But that's why it's so pure, instead of choosing to follow basic instinct and be a smelly dude they're following their heart and protecting their cute bf even though they can't get them pregnant.
It's the purest form of love because a boy is choosing love over hormone driven instincts
and the ukes are really cute
The lady doth seem to have given too much thought to masculine lewdness methinks
I’m always reminded of this
I'll always have such a weak spot for the dub of sailor moon because of how silly it is.Sailor Uranus taught me I had the big gay
math anon here. instead of getting anything done i had an ePiSoDe over my ex and just sobbed for hours yesterday and today. i am a broken, unloveable, insane shell of a person. i want to lie down at the bottom of a hole in the ground and never get up again. they are better off without someone like me dragging them down, feeling everything too much and too loud.
the sole bright point in this mess is that i still showered and brushed my teeth.
i will keep trying to get better, anon-chans. i just couldn't handle it these past two days.
Write a sonnet about what you’re feeling right now. Having to literally cram your excess of feelings into a framed poetic structure might help keep them in check.
Hi, I'm a former NEET/hikki. After I graduated high school, I spent 90% of my time watching anime or posting on 4chan. I tried delaying going off to school or getting a job for as long as possible, but my parents threatened to cut me off unless I went to Uni. Looking back I'm glad they did, because forcing to interact with people taught me that socializing isn't so scary. I used to think I was introverted, but now I realize I'm an extrovert; I was just terrified of saying the wrong thing and having people hate me. I'm a lot less self conscious now.
I still have a lot of difficulty with time management. I don't really stick to any particular hobby, and I procrastinate all the time. I have to force myself to get out and talk to people every day, otherwise the urge to just stay in my room and spend the whole day browsing the internet becomes too strong. It makes me feel like I'll become a shut in again.
thank you, anon-chans. i feel better after crying my feelings out. you are right, i did get lonely without my roommate around. i am grateful for the hug. i got overwhelmed, but i won't give in to the despair. even if i'm a mess right now, i can still love and care for you guys and accept your heartfelt love and care for me. i won't call myself unloveable anymore… i love you too.
kek, yeah. it's old fashioned, but so am i.
after all my crying and panicking, and feeling bad, and putting it off for weeks, i finally did it. i started working on it. pic related. it took me ages to take this tiny step, and now that i've taken it, it seems like it was easy all along. but it was a huge effort, and that effort was not wasted, or pathetic. it was exactly as much as i needed. it got me here, one step further.
for some of us that tiny step that looks so small to other people might be brushing your teeth or leaving the house, but, it's possible. you can do it. i believe in you all.
I resent this nickname
I'm sweet and pure of heart
what do you mean by real analysis? Just the basic point set topology and measure theory that you would do in advanced undergrad at a top university? Or do you mean more advanced stuff like functional analysis, Hilbert/Sobolev spaces, etc?
that one's kind of cute
I guess a notable thing about my life is I walk and help take care of shelter dogs
less lately since my inner hikki has been winning lately
I am sorry but I am merely a impostor who has posted a pasta from a "academic" forum I used to frequent as undergrad but have stopped (that place is now ruined in quality).https://math.stackexchange.com/questions/50444/teaching-introductory-real-analysis
I am not a NEET or Hikki my most advanced math at the moment is Calc II and this is my first time posting ITT.
How does a NEET self-teach themselves advanced math? I have a couple of Schaum and Dover books but if I were to find myself solely dependent on that I don think I could do anything worthwile
so many anons with an interest/knowledge in neurology, where do you usually hide? any textbooks you're reading atm?
Thank you! I'm making my way through all of the posts right now. I appreciate your warmth.
>Anyhow, welcome to our club! Please, tell us more about yourself.
I'm in my last year of uni to get my bachelor's in nursing. I'm hoping to go into pediatric hematology/oncology, but I'm interested in cardiac and palliative care as well. I have my last standardized test in med surg today, then I'll be cramming for the finals I have next week.
I'm debating about whether I should start studying immediately when I'm done with the test, or clean my room and start packing since I move out of my dorm next week. >>24066
I'm applying to volunteer at a few animal shelters in my area right now! I don't have any experience working at shelters but I do feed stray cats.
>>23978>I always thought mature, gruff & masculine was the way to go
I, for one, sympathize with this view, heh. I'd just love to lay naked in bed next to my virile boyfriend and softly caress his tired muscles while he'd stroke my hair and fondle my breasts, kissing him fron beginning 'till end; frequently eliciting moans in between kisses. Hnng <3>>23977>(You have been promoted from “Hungry4Cuddling” to “Historian, First Class”, effective immediately.)
I'm just a 19 year old amateur, maybe that'll change some day.>Corruption and esp. Decadence of rulers
I am apprehensive about most things involving Christianity, and by that same metric, Roman history from Constantine onward, although I still know about it. Incompetence and failings of the system that have stacked up over generations are probably more to be blamed than outright corruption. Most Roman institutions have a long history of being corrupt, although one of Rome's biggest issues, particularly pronounced during the Crisis of the Third Century, was that their generals kept getting declared emperors and marched their troops on the capital, or otherwise stirred up unrest, which, from an ideological front, even if it was quelled, aside from using up valuable resources, really sent a message that the emperor could be deposed and done away with if necessary. And if it did succeed, the then-reigning emperor would debase the coinage in order to pay the soldiers who brought him on the throne.
And while I love Augustus, I also have my gripes with the Praetorian Guard and their exceeding corruption. I mean, already the third Roman emperor died through their hands, and they even once simply sold the position of emperor.
The Christian masses refusing to worship the gods and, more importantly, the emperor, also further gave the rulers an air of mortality instead of divineness.
Diocletian, however, was capable in that he administratively strengthened and stabilized the empire in the aftermath of Aurelian's previous great military victories over, and complete conquest of, the Gallic and Palmyrene Empire. Although it unfortunately deteriorated quickly in light of Diocletian's retirement and subsequent death.>Coining too much money while reducing the purity of the currency —> resulting in inflation.
I don't even know how I managed to get a good grade on my exam 2 years ago. I know nothing about economics, so I'm not the right person to ask. Take everything I say with a big grain of salt. The Chinese system that used simple copper/bronze alloy was probably better. Those earlier Roman coins that we see are often gorgeous, elaborate, but most importantly were cast from valuable materials, which is not really necessary for the economy. Their annual output of various metals seems to have handily surpassed that of the Han, and yet the Chinese managed to produce some ~220,000,000 coins annually, as opposed to the ~98,000,000 Roman coins (at their respective peaks), while also not having to deal with debasement or significant inflation. It's all artificial value anyway; don't actually make money valuable by casting it from pure bronze, silver, or gold, even if you have massive reserves. Let the government be able to more effectively control the currency and its worth, and to more easily produce it and not deal with direct debasement and massive inflation.
Chinese silk was also highly sought after by the Romans. The Romans allegedly spent ~100,000,000 sesterces annually on silk, which Roman women just adored. The Chinese got rich, and the Indian and Persian middlemen also got in on the lucrative silk trade through imposed tariffs. The Romans also exported wares to China, notably glassware, but it would seem that the Chinese got the better end of the deal in the short- and long-term.>Erosion of social norms and growing internal cultural rifts
The Chinese had a conception of All-Under-Heaven (Tianxia), which, naturally, belonged to China, headed by the emperor, and which is supposed to be made up of the Han Chinese. That way, one can say that there was always a binding social force where, even if China was divided and weak, it would grow stronger, unify, and expel the barbarians, or, if necessary, sinicize them. There didn't seem to be such a Roman conception, or at least not to such an extent, as the Romans truly were an empire that ruled over a multitude of foreign subjects from above.
Interestingly, the Arab conquerors of Sassanid Persia had to rely on the Persians for their sophisticated and superior administrative systems and techniques, similar to the Mongol conquerors of Song China. Yet I find that the Roman institutions seem to have been more replaced or abandoned, rather than adopted by the Germanic peoples.>(which itself was probably caused by something else?)
Various groups of Christian demagogues and zealots seeking to impose their ways on everyone else? Also, huge numbers of Germanic foreigners, who have little issues navigating the system and establishing their foothold inside of it, as they are technically Romanized, while not actually retaining that much of an allegiance to the status quo. The Romans were arguably too loose when it came to issues of integration, and militaristically definitely relied too much on mercenaries, bolstered by the aforementioned economic hardships. It's not enough to set up a local administration and collect tax revenue, and your watchtowers on the borders won't sway people for too long, certainly not when they realize you won't actually come out and attack them, with them having the element of surprise on their side as well, and being able to attack you when your weaknesses are showing, or your back is turned to them.>Military Conquest by rival empires or “large tribes”>Environmental factors like plague, drought or “climate cycles” which resulted in poor harvests.
Quite possibly, as well as simple opportunistic raids. The Chinese were also experiencing it during the chaotic 4th century at the hands of the Five Barbarians. Economic/climate change-based refugees or simple warlords with nothing to lose, but everything to gain, by attacking advanced civilizations and reaping the benefits. That seems to be, in general, the barbarian savage vs civilized state dichotomy. It's not that the barbarians are weak, it's that they are administratively disorganized and technologically inferior, but if they can band together and organize for a certain cause, then they can be a force to be reckoned with. >“Over-expansion” to the point that it became hard to control rebellion in the far reaches, and in general - maintaining the empire became expensive and impractical.
Well, that was just a cherry on the massive cake. The Roman economy grew through its expansion and pillaging, but of course also through the effective propagation and continuation of commerce. The Parthians and particularly the Sassanids, being as powerful as they were, thwarted Roman expansion into the eastern regions for the most part, and the Germanic tribes thwarted expansion into the northeastern parts, while the Sahara desert served as a natual barrier to the south. The Romans could deal with the Persians on their own. They could also deal with the Germanic hordes at the same time. But if they were also facing a multitude of domestic issues, then it just exacerbated everything to the extreme, from administration to gathering up armies and inspiring loyalty and morale, which Rome's enemies could easily (ab)use for their own benefit, especially the aforementioned Persians, who were highly organized and one of the great powers of their time.>>24060
I do not comprehend, but I like your handwriting.
Good job on brushing your teeth, anon. Not showering is a bit gross, but it isn’t harmful, really. However, teeth problems are hell for neets.
Also get ready to use the triangular inequality all the time from now on. >>24077>and softly caress his tired muscles
But, why I wonder, are they tired?
>>24068>how does a neet hikki teach themselves math
badly. kek . jokes aside working through the textbooks i have is my phase one plan, phase two is actually taking classes in those subjects for credit. eventually. >>24072
ganbare, anon-chan! studying seems like a better idea, you can always pack up after exams are over.>>24056
time management is a struggle for me too. i think everyone struggles with it, even non-hikkis. it helps to have some external structure like working or taking a class because that forces you to plan around it. without an external source of organization it becomes harder… i have personally been taking better care of myself (showering, brushing teeth) by making myself some habit charts from /hb/, you basically make a 7x7 chart of 49 boxes for each habit you want to reinforce or start and check it off on the days you did it. it may seem silly but it's working for me>>24077>nice handwriting
wait so which one of these math miners is the NEET and which one is the one in school? I'm sorry im just confused with the context ITT
oh ok, I can't gatekeep on who is or isn't a NEET since I am not a NEET and never identified with being a NEET but I dno if other miners would think the same.
I'm another Math miner, I'm finishing my master's degree at the moment, don't hesitate to ask questions !
I almost went out to the store but by the time I got ready I was already done for the day and now I'm back in bed
I'll try again tomorrow maybe
Thanks for the advice! I'll make some charts over what I'd like to adhere to. After my test today, I did blow off studying to finish a book I was engrossed in. I plan on getting through at least the neurological disorders chapter in my peds textbook before going to bed.
Also, I'm impressed you've taught yourself calculus! I know next to nothing about advanced math, since the most complicated math I've had to do is dosage calculation for medication administration.
math anon 24111
i'm the self-studying math anon with the tragic backstory and i am a NEET irl. i spend 90% of my time indoors as well but i do leave the apartment to buy groceries and get the mail. i usually post with a black and white manga screencap to be a little more distinct. maybe i should use a name for this thread? >>24103
today was just your dress rehearsal, anon-chan. tomorrow you will be able to get ready to go out a little bit faster. don't feel bad about it>>24107
finishing a book is a good distraction, your brain will be nice and refreshed for the next round of studying. good luck !! (kanbaru is a great character btw)
Sorry for the late reply, Anon. Anxiety gets the better of me nowadays. Long sperge ahead. Hearing about how others view their country and that perspective intertwined with NEET-dom would be interesting to hear as well.
I'm from the Philippines and experience a similar cultural dysphoria. Growing up in a sheltered environment resulted in me looking down at my culture until my teenage years. English is my first language, and my Tagalog was laughable for a local until I was actually able to go around and talk to people. I also look dissimilar to the average Filipino resulting in some privilege through colonial mentality and presumptuous judgements I have to work harder to overcome.
Summarizing a culture as disputed upon as the Philippines’ is difficult. A lot of Filipinos claim our identity has been lost to time. When the Spaniards docked their galleons in Leyte and conquered the country sans Mindanao several expeditions later, they destroyed documentation and relics on native tribes. They say whatever we are now is what we copied and retain of our then colonizers: Spaniards, Japanese and Americans alike. The book I’m reading, Nick Joaquin’s “Culture and History,” argues that there was never a Filipino identity before Spanish unification. Tribes were disparate from one another and functioned more as independent territories. Even other Asian countries whom historians consider as influences interacted little with us, and only then to trade and not help us progress past clayware and tribal society like the Spaniards did. I’m still going through the book but it’s an eye-opening read compared to watered down high school history class. Not sure which eras or aspects you’d be interested in hearing.
But if you want to know more about everyday life, Manila is the only city I can talk about with authority. The provinces are laidback but have similar problems especially in politics.
>government is the product of political dynasties and politically illiterate voters
>our attitude towards corruption hasn’t changed since the Spanish-American war
>80% Catholic with a fair share of Muslims and cult-ish religions
>one of the world’s shittiest public transport systems in one of the world’s worst traffic jams
>public have stopped caring and jaywalk, demand the jeepney drivers to stop there even with a green light, or convert two-way roads into cramped lanes for parking spaces
>lots of good produce from the provinces if you can afford it or become the suki of a vendor who likes you enough not to rip you off
>generally friendly and easy-going culture
>people flocking in from the province means less available jobs and more informal settlers
>some local fast food chains ask for a college degree
>call centers galore
>LGBT community is accepted but pegged into offensive stereotypes by media
>celebrity culture is a juggalo of love teams, soap operas and game shows which are often lazy and lack nuance
>indie scene is growing traction but suffers from overabundant supply with limited demand
>underfunded artists or athletes often give up on hoping for gov. support and join other country’s teams
>perennially burning weather if not drowning in a typhoon, though we’re resilient enough to withstand any natural or economic disaster
>Quiapo is a fascinating place to walk around; pic related
>very few Spanish-era architecture left. Quiapo has most of them. Architects hate how most of the buildings now are constructed lol
>nature is scarce and deteriorating with trash and cigarette stubs tossed around like candy
>malling is the predominant weekend activity
>thrift shops are ukay-ukays where we receive Goodwill rejects and other clothes neighbouring countries can’t dump with open arms
It’s a city I want to love more. NEET-dom has crippled my know-how in current events. I’m making up for it through reading history and improving my Tagalog until I regain enough momentum to leave the house and explore the rest of the Philippines outside Manila. I’ve been to a few provinces but never stayed long enough to delve into small town life or be more than a tourist in my own country.
Literature and poetry: unfortunately a small scene here, though we do have great authors. Nick Joaquin’s one of them. Our national hero, Jose Rizal, penned decent critiques of Spanish society that incited the Filipino Revolution. I’ve only read contemporary Filipino works in English since my literary Tagalog’s weak, but Joaquin and Eric Gamalinda are based. Outside the Philippines I enjoyed Arthur Rimbaud, Czeslaw Milosz, Alice Munro and Taiyo Matsumoto. Thank you for reading this much.
>the chaos that occurred across Eastern Europe & Russia between 1920-1950
The Soviet Union?
I’m also interested in learning about other cultures, and I have little to no knowledge regarding that region besides Milosz and a handful of Russian authors. What of your heritage do you take pride in? Why do you live through other’s cultures when you could live your own? What barriers are in the way?
Because the Chinese, while being prolific inventors, never industrialized as early as they could have. The West, in light of accumulation in capital, could and did progress to this stage, and only increased this output through extensive colonialism. As the Qing were slowly starting to wane through corruption, incompetence, rebellion, and decentralization, the Europeans and Japanese saw this as a ripe time to assert their dominance over China. The Qing, especially under the notorious Dowager Cixi, practically refused modernization, and in light of extensive humiliating defeats, treaties', concessions, trade deficits, and what-have-you, it continued to foster anti-Manchurian and anti-Western sentiment amongst the populace, and in the end accumulated in the form of the Xinhai Revolution which ousted the Qing dynasty from power (with only a brief Manchu restoration in 1917) and installed the Republic of China, headed by the Kuomintang, in its place. The Qing were essentially finished, as founder Sun Yat-sen managed to persuade Yuan Shikai, who had the largest and most technologically advanced regional army, the Beiyang army, to instead become the president over this new government headed by him from Beijing, and abandon the young emperor. He quickly devolved into a military dictator who ousted Sun Yat-sen in light of a rebellion committed in response to co-founder Song Jiaoren's assassination after indirect attempts were made at weakening the myriad influence of the presidency; meaning that it was assumed Yuan Shikai had him assassinated. He declared himself emperor, lost a great deal of support, and died shortly thereafter in 1916, through which Sun Yat-sen returned to the forefront. Although China was by no means unified; even the Kuomintang wasn't a completely unified force (Nanjing–Wuhan split in 1927, for instance, over issues pertaining to the Communists, although it was soon mitigated); China was a decentralized mess, and the government, based in the south and not fully recognized as the rightful one by imperialist forces, had to resort to the Northern Expedition in order to oust the warlords from power, some of which only further emerged from Yuan Shikai's previous Beiyang government/army after his death. Before the expedition, founder Sun Yat-sen died in 1925, and so Chiang Kai-shek became the leading force, and the man who would nominally reunify China during this turbulent period in light of the success of the expedition in 1928 after capturing Beijing and receiving the symbolic surrender of Manchukuo. He also had previously orchestrated the Shanghai massacre in 1927 in order to rid himself of the opportunistic Communists inside the Kuomintang, and was eventually planning to destroy the entire Communist movement, which resulted in the Communists' Long March(es) to escape their clutches in 1934/1935, and their continued survival; this all was done by the Kuomintang in order to further centralize power in light of Japan's impeding aggressions, as they had previously invaded Manchukuo in 1931 and established a base by 1932; installing the last Qing emperor, Pu Yi, as its puppet ruler. The Communists, who would fall under the leadership of Mao, proposed a Second United Front with which to counter Japanese aggressions, to which Chiang Kai-shek, shall we say, apprehensively agreed to after having his hand forced by his generals in 1936. The Kuomintang faced the brunt of these attacks during the Second Sino-Japanese war, and the Communists, having gathered their strength, eventually managed to seize control and effectively resume from where the Kuomintang, which was now forced to retreat and entrench itself in Taiwan, left off of (as you can see, I'm obviously heavily simplifying and generalizing matters for the sake of brevity).
The Gang of Four, headed my Mao's corrupt wife, Jiang Qing, who was likely responsible for a great deal of the damages during the Cultural Revolution, ended up being prosecuted and thrown in jail in light of her husband's death and, ergo, political protection. Hua Guofeng, a sort of protegé to Mao, took up power, but shortly thereafter, in light of his conservatism and hardline Maoist stances, was ousted by the famous Deng Xiaoping, who opened China up to the outside world and brought hundreds of millions of people out of debilitating poverty; in short, he was a good Gorbachev. Deng Xiaoping was succeeded by Jiang Zemin as paramount leader. He was flamboyant and under him the economy continued to significantly expand, although he tends to also be criticized for favoring and pursuing that exact same economic growth at all costs, and for being corrupt. Jiang Zemin was succeeded by the more calm and collected Hu Jintao, whose administration, by most accounts, seemed rational-minded and capable, albeit potentially restrained by ideological opposition, and also focused on handling the issues left behind by Jiang Zemin, while, again, seeing major economic growth. Hu Jintao was succeeded by Xi Jinping, who is tough on corruption and political opposition, as well as seemingly in favor of centralizing power and further propagating Chinese dominance on the international stage.
>Not nearly as much "maritime tradition" as existed in the Mediterranean and Western Europe.
It took Europe around 1,000 years since the fall of Rome to really become noteworthy on the maritime landscape. Half or close to half of the Mediterranean was often also controlled by Islamic empires/states, so there's that. Ming China's naval capabilities should under no circumstances be underestimated.
>I heard that generally scholars think it was due to “isolationism” that was embraced by later dynasties (the name Ming comes to mind but idk)
The Chinese have practically always viewed themselves as the greatest and most civilized people out there, ergo, they had no need to look outside; they thought, or, perhaps, the educated elite rather wanted to believe, that they had everything in the world, which isn't completely preposterous considering the enormous size of China. However, yes, from an economic point of view, this relative isolationism was a negative, most notably during the Ming dynasty, although China was so powerful and rich that it could afford to live with it.
math anon 24132
i don't know shit about history but i love listening to you all discuss things. i recently read solzhenitsyn's gulag archipelago 1, 2, & 3, and now i'm reading herzen's 'my past & thoughts', but i'm only doing it to get to understand tolstoi and dostoevsky better. (that's also why i've been reading goncharov, lermontov, gogol, turgenev…) >>23861
i'm glad you read 'to know a fly', i just misunderstood you! my view of the world is microscopic, kind of - i like to know particular things, and know them intimately, inside and out. i like to focus on something narrow and know it "completely", and i like to collect random bits of trivia that i can eventually build into patterns. like my current obsession with dostoevsky - i have read all his major works already but i want to know everything before and after him, and everything he read and thought was good, the intellectual climate he was in, etc.
historical events in general are too broad for me to focus on, and it makes me anxious, but i really admire the kind of mind that takes a macroscopic view of everything. and when i can listen to people like you talk about history i feel like i understand it better.
i couldn't sleep last night so i'm just going to power through it until this evening. breaking down crying over the weekend seems to have refreshed me mentally and emotionally. i cleaned the shower, cleaned the rest of the bathroom, swept the floors, cooked meals for my roommate, broke down all the cardboard for recycling, did a bunch of laundry, washed the dishes, and woke my roommate up with coffee in the morning. plus some other small stuff like wiping down the fridge doors, cleaning the air filter vents… i bought groceries as well this morning and i'm going to try a new recipe today. hustle hustle muscle muscle.
once i'm done with cooking and washing up, i'll probably spend the evening reading. tomorrow will be a 'math' day.
Engineer Anon 24140
Almost certainly not.
I have a strong theory about which country History Anon lives in - while I cannot speak to her ethnic heritage.
I actually have some notes somewhere about this…
That said, I don’t think I will be giving her a surprise visit.
Engineer Anon 24141
History Anon - do you want to hear my theory about where you are from? I have done some inquiry on this… I would just state my guess for the country and the region - not the city in particular…
Engineer Anon 24155
I will try at least one of those books - it has been too long since I have read classic literature. I must say I am quite impressed math anon.
math anon 24156
heheh. thank you.
during the initial days of the reign of nicholas I, the new tsar put down the decemberist revolution. he was a feared man. dostoevsky, unfortunately, was involved in a kind of socialist-revolutionary reading group of idealist students, and he too was arrested and sentenced to death as a young man in 1849. under the reign of previous tsars this kind of punishment was seen as barbaric and unthinkable to the intelligentsia.
perhaps as a caprice of his sadism, nicholas I had dostoevsky and his group imprisoned, sentenced, and literally marched up to the gallows - practically with the nooses around their necks - and suddenly they were informed that their executions had been commuted to hard labor and exile.
when dostoevsky arrived in omsk, siberia, for his - i believe eight? - years of prison labor he was a shattered psychological oubliette. other notable prisoners at the time - members of the aristocracy - noted that they all avoided speaking to him because he was so argumentative and hostile, and his experience on the gallows appeared to have completely converted him to a devout tsarist. for the rest of his life he was a paranoid, often sadistic wreck of a human being.
but the book he wrote about his time in prison, notes from a dead house, is one of the most achingly empathetic portrayals of suffering and humanity that i've ever found in literature. as both a nobleman and a hard labor convict, he grasped both ends of the social strata. his depth of insight into the nature of suffering, the nature of evil, and the impossibility of the 'good' surviving unscathed among human beings… is chilling. and beautiful.
'the idiot' is his portrayal of a truly good human being, destroyed by his fellow man; 'crime and punishment' is how an otherwise good person winds up doing evil, and how they are helpless against the people who embrace that evil fully; 'demons' is probably his most boring in terms of psychological development because he's castigating ideology in all of its forms, and the characters are "the possesed" - by belief systems; 'notes from underground' is dostoevsky viciously castigating himself and people like him; and finally, 'the brothers karamazov', is sort of the ultimate expression of his philosophy on human nature. i'm saving his minor works like the double, the gambler, and the adolescent, as a treat for when i finish the herzen autobiography (a contemporary of dosto, tolstoi, marx… all the big names of the era).
solzhenitsyn casts russia's despairing glance backwards at dostoevsky - and his contemporaries - because, of course, the decentralized cruelty of the stalinist regime vastly outstrips that of an individual sadist like tsar nicholas I. i feel that, by plowing through solzhenitsyn's work, i have gained a better sense of what it must mean to a russian intellectual living today to read dostoevsky (and tolstoi) - the devastated successful revolution's inheritors, looking back on a devastated man.
… ahem. well, i've gone off on a rather long tangent. it's rare for me to come across an author where, reading his work, i feel like i myself am deeply 'known' as a human being. hence my current obsession. he is inferior to lermontov generally (and goncharov's precipice specifically) when it comes to depicting female characters as human beings, but a hell of a lot better than the rest. and in dosto i can forgive it because his characters are all, on some level, allegorical. 'notes from a dead house' is the exception to that, more autobiography than fiction.
… and the new recipe i tried making today came out delicious. it needs tweaking, but it was well-received. i get upset by failed kitchen experiments (eg, crying about them) but a success boosts my confidence.
are you chinese?
Nah.>>24141>History Anon - do you want to hear my theory about where you are from? I have done some inquiry on this…
Heh, shoot.>>24132>i'm glad you read 'to know a fly', i just misunderstood you!
Haha~>i like to know particular things, and know them intimately>and i like to collect random bits of trivia that i can eventually build into patterns.
I certainly reciprocate those views when it comes to studying and understanding individuals, which can be broadened to include events as well.>like my current obsession with dostoevsky
I love this sort of platonic infatuation that one sometimes experiences with people who are endearing and ultimately just feel very human to you. >historical events in general are too broad for me to focus on, and it makes me anxious
Yet, simultaneously, it sometimes feels as though it's the smallest things that contain the greatest complexity, no? That they themselves feel huge when examined from up close.> i cleaned the shower, cleaned the rest of the bathroom, swept the floors, cooked meals for my roommate
You seem like a great person overall; your humility and work ethic only serve to give you an air of grace and stoic beauty.>>24156>and the new recipe i tried making today came out delicious.
What did you make?>>24078>But, why I wonder, are they tired?
Cuddling, kissing, and having sex sounds even more appealing and sensual in the dead of night; the world is quiet and the senses are heightened… Maybe that's just me? Anyway, I just kinda envisioned it taking place at night, that's why I said tired muscles… >>24109>Also, how are you doing?
A while back I dozed off in my bed while casually looking at the trees and blue sky as the birds were chirping outside and the morning air was gently caressing me…
I made a few 7x7 charts in one of my notebooks, but accidentally left it at the hospital (not sure where exactly either ;__;). I'll have to make some more soon. Yesterday was my last day there, and I won't be doing anymore clinicals until my preceptorship in fall.
Today I'm going to spend the entire day studying pediatrics, then med-surge tomorrow. I got a pomodoro timer app to make sure I don't get distracted.>>24156
Congrats! What did you make?
>wants to meet someone
>runs an analysis of that someone’s post history to obtain her approximate location
You know that’s just a teensy bit weird, right?
Of course it's quite bizarre, but, why else would I be here?
The only reason I looked into it at all, was because I already guessed UK immediately after reading it.
Recall – previously I said I was a "Computer Engineer with an aerospace focus
." From the United States, no less.
I am more than slightly knowledgeable about the USAF as a prospective employer. And I figured it would be an interesting riddle to find history anon. Still strange, but more understandable.
Anyways, remember that we are on a thread for NEETS/hikki – on a women's underwater basketweaving imageboard?
Of course, considering where we are and the fact you’ve shown your intentions to be fully benevolent, historian anon probably won’t mind. I was just wondering if you do the same kind of things irl with your classmates.
>>23566> i just want to talk to OP and other female NEETs
I've been doing some stuff around the house, like doing all the washing and cleaning up the rubbish, and changing the bedding. It's not much but it's crazy better than a few months ago when I couldn't walk in my room properly and there were piles of things thrown everywhere including all over the bed.. lol.
Also I've been keeping up showering regularly and brushing my teeth for nearly two weeks.
I met with my therapist for the first time and she wants me to start seeing her routinely because she thinks it will help me get out more.
Also.. I got about 60 pages into the book I was reading because I am a clumsy idiot and I left my backpack outside and it got stolen. Someone spent $200 on my card that I lost too, so that was fun. Good thing I have a stockpile of books to read that I haven't even touched.
I don't really do much except feel bad for myself and mope around. I have been meaning to post on this thread again but mostly im too lazy to plug my HDD in and post a picture, or I write out a long post and delete it because it's stupid.
I came from a pretty broken home and my mother recently died after a series of other unfortunate things that happened. I'm trying to get back into things again, but I find it very hard to enjoy doing anything.
I'm sorry to hear about that, anon. Honestly, I feel the same way about getting anything done without my mom, but eventually I learned it would only get worse if I let it get worse. I know you can do the same, anon.
Wow, that's spooky good detective work>>24182
I'm sorry you've been experiencing so much misfortune. I hope seeing your therapist regularly helps.
What kind of books do you have on your backlog?
I’m so sorry but I’m not history Anon
Nah, although your thought process made sense, and you did put a smile on my face. I live in southern Germany.
>maybe we could grab coffee together??
Haha, unless you were explicitly planning on going to the UK or perhaps just being friendly, we can do whatever you wanna do; just visit me someday and don't forget to bring the aforementioned souvenirs.
>So… I guess I wanted to impress you.
Hahaha, wow… <3
math anon 24213
it's good to see you post again, fellow NEET-chan. i missed you. don't worry about whether or not you sound stupid, i posted broadway musical lyrics while crying and choking trying to sing along.
>I've been doing some stuff around the house, like doing all the washing and cleaning up the rubbish, and changing the bedding
that's huge progress! i know how hard it is to start working on cleaning when things have been piling up for months, it becomes a part of your environment and making changes to it is scary. very good job anon. it feels so good to lie down on clean bedding.>Also I've been keeping up showering regularly and brushing my teeth for nearly two weeks.
i'm proud of you for sticking with it. i haven't had a full week straight of showering and brushing my teeth yet, because i miss a day or two here and there, but i've been focused on improving my "score" and filling out my scorecard instead of obsessively thinking about how gross i am/how i should change so it's helping me. >I met with my therapist
holy shit anon! i salute you. i am still too paranoid and anxious and hikki to try therapy again, it's out of my reach for now. i might be able to try it next year. amazing >theft and card fraud
hugs you gently. that kind of thing is so painful, it hurts a lot to know someone took the chance to kick you when you're already down and struggling>I don't really do much
me neither tbh. mentioning every single thing i did in a day makes me sound busier than i really am, it's usually just that i got a burst of energy to attack things that have been piling up for weeks. instead of trying to change all at once i'm just trying to add things in gradually - trying to do one thing every day for a week, then adding one more thing to do every day… it is easy to get discouraged, but you have really made a huge amount of progress so far. so please don't call yourself lazy.>broken home, family dying
even when you hated them, it feels like part of you is gone when family members die. i never really 'got over' my grief, i just became stable enough to carry it and go on living. it is perhaps the heaviest burden a person ever carries, and it doesn't get lighter, you just become pro at balancing it on your shoulders, if that makes sense. so don't blame yourself if it's hard to handle it, or if you feel like it should have gone away by now - you are doing a great job. i am proud of you. what got me back into enjoying things again was binge watching anime until it "clicked" and i remembered how to like it, if you have something low effort you can swamp yourself with maybe try that sort of approach? but again after a death it takes a lot to really return yourself to living. don't feel bad about it even if it takes years.
i made mine on some blank index cards that i keep on the table next to my bed with some colorful markers to cross off days with. keeping them in one spot and never moving them is the reason i haven't lost mine already, kek. i made some indian-style chickpea curry with a recipe i found on pinterest - it's a mindless time wasting website but pinning ideas to try means i have a little pile of options to look at when i actually feel like i can do something.>>24162
you're gonna make me blush, history anon chan…!!! thank you very much for all the compliments, i have saved them in a text file so i can look at them again later. it is hard to stay optimistic but other people thinking i am cool gives me a huge boost.
after the all nighter i pulled, i predictably overslept, and had a terrible headache waking up, but it's going away since i had coffee and a painkiller and drank a bunch of water. the plan for today is to wash all the dishes piled up in the sink, keep working on math problems, and maybe watch some anime. happy thursday anons
>>24182>I came from a pretty broken home and my mother recently died after a series of other unfortunate things that happened. I'm trying to get back into things again, but I find it very hard to enjoy doing anything.
Fuck. That's me as well. I've also lost a shit ton of books throughout the years and have thousands of unedited photos. How did you maintain a cleaning routine? I cleaned the bathroom recently but the rest of the house is Area 51, and I'm kinda overwhelmed at the thought of deep cleaning everything.>>24216
Happy Thursday! Good luck with your endeavors.
Ooooh. Sounds yummy. Can I ask what kind of butter and spices you used? I have heard that the best curry is made from hand ground spice, but I am too lazy and poor for a mortar & pestle or food processor.
The first place I lived had an unusually high number of 2nd generation immigrants from India, some of whom were my friends back in the day…
Anyhow, cooking numbers among my few hobbies. Do have any tips you wanna share with us, math Anon?
Also, props on the cleaning. It isn’t fun, but you are always glad you did it afterward.>brushing my teeth
Ah, but how regularly do you floss? I try to floss once a day. I used to be more reckless but I already have a “crown” covering on one of my molars, so I don’t take my teeth for granted any more.
Lastly — please post more math as you go. :). I myself am inspired by your progress.
Heh. Germany was definitely in my top 3 by probability. I had some doubts about UK but the # of bases seemed like a good starting point.
In retrospect there were some inconsistencies. Since the Opium Wars involved Great Britain - someone growing up in the UK would have learned about that period in school as part of their national history, and would have discussed it at greater length.
Also, your posts had much less sarcastic banter than I would expect from a Brit. And Brits usually have something cheeky to say when ever the US comes up - “occupying Americans” isn’t sufficiently sardonic.
Well… Good Morning Fräulein!Am I using that word correctly?
>>24221>How did you maintain a cleaning routine?
haha.. I don't really except my bedroom because I live with my boyfriend in a house with him dad and cousin. I'm shy and I tend not to leave my bedroom often except when everyones out, and during that time I'll normally wash some towels and clothes and stuff, sweep the floor in my room. No one cleans the bathroom and it's really gross, I mean with three other dudes here. I want to clean it soon, I want to help out more here with that kinda stuff.>>24213>i'm proud of you for sticking with it
not really yet but im getting better. Sometimes I go three days without a shower or forget to brush my teeth for a day, but it's soo much better than knowingly doing it for like.. two weeks straight. >.<>it's usually just that i got a burst of energy to attack things that have been piling up for weeks
Me too, I used to get it alot more often. It was always burst of energy to do things for an hour or two and then no interest for ages or I would completely give up. Lately I hardly get big motivation to do things because I know that I always give up and fail.
Good morning. I woke up early but then went back to sleep and had a really weird, vivid dream. Today I'm heading to the library to study with a classmate and check out some books.>>24216>i made mine on some blank index cards that i keep on the table next to my bed with some colorful markers to cross off days with. keeping them in one spot and never moving them is the reason i haven't lost mine already
I need to try that. I'm notorious for losing things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I also use pinterest for recipes, and then I like to plug them into cronometer for a breakdown of the nutrients. What anime have you been watching?
I checked out The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, an anthology of Arthur Machen's short stories, and one of Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu.
I wanted to get Plagues and Peoples by William H. McNeil, but someone had already checked it out, so I put in a request to receive it from a different library along with The Great Mortality by John Kelly.
Good reading list.
Anyhow. It’s quiet on the cafe today. I managed to get a good deal of work done - the last work I have to do for this semester - when I am finished I think I am going to organize a tutorial for coder Anon on the /b/ thread about Raspberry Pi’s. Everyone else must be partying this Friday night. Any NEETS out there who want to chat?
I’m still at the library, where I’ll be spending the rest of my weekend. I can feel my brain becoming mush.
What work did you have to do for engineering? Is your grading based mostly on projects or exams?
I'm lurking this thread most of the time.
Trying to decide how to spend my day. Quite easy to sit infront of my PC all day. I think I'm gonna crack open The Count of Montre Cristo or The Three Musketeers, I am a little disheartened after I lost the other book I was reading after getting invested in it. Reading e books just doesn't cut it for me, the aesthetic of the books smell and flipping the pages is important to me when I read makes it much for comfy.
>>24303> Reading e books just doesn't cut it for me, the aesthetic of the books smell and flipping the pages is important to me when I read makes it much for comfy.
Do you have a favorite chair to sit in when you read?
I like to have ambient sound so I set my phone to play wind or rain. I have a few scented candles that give nice soft light in the evening.
Maybe light jazz, but soft and quiet.
pickings are slim this season, so lately i've been rewatching the monogatari series with roommate (her 1st watch) whose favorite character is hanekawa - we just watched the tsubasa tiger arc. (my favorites are, predictably, math-chan, and hitagi). >>24222>any cooking tips?
not really, lololol. i've just been teaching myself as i go along. "you can always add more seasoning later but you can't take it out"? i want to get a mortar & pestle, the local grocery sells big bags of whole dried chili peppers. i'm fine with using the stuff that comes in little jars though lol. whatever works. >post more math!
i will, anon-chan! this weekend i'm staying with roommate's family, so i brought the books i've been procrastinating on reading - the herzen autobio and gogol's novel, dead souls. since i don't have the math with me, naturally, my contrarian desire to do math instead of reading is starting to build up steam, and i'll throw myself at it once we get back. >>24224>house full of guys and a dirty bathroom
[horrified shriek] oh god… i've been there. wear gloves, wear gloves!!! softscrub is my go-to product for cleaning tubs and showers. also, when cleaning the toilet, use an extra flush or two to rinse off the scrubbing brush… good luck anon i would come to your aid if i could. >motivation
i hear ya… what works for me is setting the bar as low as possible. if i have to clean something, i'll make the goal "put the cleaning supplies next to the mess". it's like… "clean the house" is like a very steep hill. but "put the sponge next to the sink" is a very gradual slope, like. the smallest of hills. so by going up a dozen very low hills, i eventually get to the top? and going up just one little hill is still "getting something done" so it feels better emotionally, lol.
that's actually how i cook stuff - i open all the cans, then take a break. i measure out all of the spices into a small bowl, shake it up, then take a break. i chop up all the veg and stuff and put them in plastic containers, then take a break… and then when it's time to really start cooking, it's much easier. i guess my philosophy here is, "no such thing as too much preparation"!
>Picked up my diploma for a short course>Walked around the old side of town for cheap but fresh Indian spices, tofu, and Japanese condiments + side dishes>The unbearable sunlight sifting through the tall trees and overhangs
I'm glad I went outside today. Also not the right place for this, but if anyone has any favorite recipes for atta flour, please tell me or I'll probably just whip up naan and dosas from Google searches.>>24273
What draws you into Victorian gothic horror? I'm unfamiliar with the genre but intrigued.>>24310
NTA. I lay by the couch, turn on the fairy lights strung around the mirror and play some Bert Jansch-esque beats. Cozy times.>>24316
Finish the remaining spices and try out the seed life! Everything tastes fresher and stronger. Worth it if you use that spice a lot. Dried herbs last for around six months and seeds for twelve. Check out ethnic stores or wholesalers. In my area at least there's usually a place that sells cheap kitchen equipment also targeted towards restaurant owners, so you can pick up the mortar and pestle there if desired.
a monogatari fan? you sound chill anon, keep working hard at the math
It's been a few days in my room since I last went out to socialized.. the girls won't stop texting me and I have no idea what to tell them. My day isn't going well ;( I don't even want to admit this as an anon but due to me being a hikikimora I have stopped using soap with my daily shower.. I can't even be bothered, I only use it once every other day now..
I can't stand it. All I do everyday is watch dr. Who and play animal Crossing. My boyfriend has been really insensitive about the whole thing. I don't know how much longer I can take of this.
>>24321>the girls wont stop texting me
You have two choices, keep doing what you're doing and later beat yourself over the head because you could have maintained relationships with friends and they're gone now.
Or accept their invitation and spend time with them later thanking yourself for it.
This summer I am going to pick up Spivaks calculus and work through half the problems along side you.
Really, I should do some review before I try to tackle Real Analysis by Rudin.
Also sometimes a small act of support can nudge you across the threshold of success.
You seem like you genuinely want it, deep in you heart. Although you struggle.
So I want to be the support that I would want for myself.
To that math anon that is self taught on russian stuff and math and just ambitious on a lot of things in general. Do you notice yourself having a different thought process in general from other girls? Like your mindset and whatnot. Do you think you tend to go through your day to day thinking more practically in general than most girls? How did you get that way to where subjects like math interested you. Not to be rude but do you think you may be on the spectrum? In my experience most girls who are serious about into STEM stuff seem to display this kind of behavior and am wondering if there is some kind of connection to that or not.
Engineer Anon here. Short answer is yes.
Me and -when I had friends- (who sorta left me behind when I screwed up in uni) develop different minds than our peers.
But it’s a slow and subtle process, over the course of years, decades even, your state of mind diverges from average as you gain additional “right hemisphere” capacity and it’s utilized a little bit more in everyday life.
Like if you really immerse yourself in traditionally “right hemisphere” (although this theory has been partially disproven) stuff completely, the way you do anything : socialize, express creativity, argue/discuss, etc, are slightly colored by your new paradigms.
You gain a tendency to dissect and disassemble things mentally, whether art, behavior/relationships, literature.
But this depends on your preexisting tendencies and how deeply you immerse yourself in this pursuit.
Some people are gifted in STEM and not the slightest bit astigmatic. They are just like any other normie.
isn’t a direct advantage, usually it just helps people obsess over stuff, and prevents your social life from impeding your studies.
Lastly, math gets interesting when
A) You get far enough into the subject,
B) You develop enough mental capacity for learning math, so that’s it’s no longer a miserable burden to learn.
You begin to succeed at genuinely hard problems -> you feel good about your progress. If you do lots of math theory and logic puzzles, the neuron networks in your brain recalibrate - this is what it means to develops intuition and insight.
Your brain becomes math, almost at an atomic level. What once would have been hopelessly confusing seems obvious and logical. There is a thrill when you start working through problems that are >80% symbols, the stuff that gets scribbled in the background of sci fi movies. You feel like you have reached the big time. And you often get kinda cool lab assignments, projects,etc.
Are you still around?>I'm trying to improve my physical health
I probably should as well; I'm all skin and bones, with a bit of fat around the waist and thighs. Haven't excercised in like 4 years, and I'm really weak…>start drawing again
I used to as well; I actually thought I was pretty good, but by now I've thrown away all my drawings as they conjure up unpleasant memories.
On a side note, If I wasn't so technologically illiterate, I might consider creating music… >>23227>I just barely got a cell phone.
I also only got one a while back at the behest of my parents. It's good for what it's meant to be used for, but it's just collecting dust. Don't see the appeal for a NEET like me. >I make an effort to go hiking and leave the house without electronics regularly, but I come home to a furniture-less house. The internet is really my only form of entertainment.
I agree; being heavily introverted, I only feel true comfort when at home, and ideally isolated. That, and perhaps having grown up associating many things in life with inevitable pain and loss, only contributes to this spiral. That's why I'm very apprehensive about seriously engaging with the world in a direct manner. Living as a NEET has only served to keep my mind calm and grant me a comfortable existence of utmost minimal pain. The only noteworthy downside is >tfw no hot bf to cuddle and have sex with. >I've tried to make friends IRL; none want to give me their phone number, just social media
Yeah, can't even recall ever using anything except for maybe… Skype?>>23221>The environment you expose to your brain changes the gene expression in the brain cells - which in turn affects the sensitivity of neurons to different stimuli & neurotransmitters.
Evolution is fairly slow, but humanity has nonetheless been socially and technologically advancing incredibly rapidly in the span of just the last 10,000 years. Unfortunately, most of our lives we have striven to overcome our simplistic hunter-gatherer-based nature (with, to say the least, mixed outcomes). >>24223>Good Morning Fräulein!
Hah, you're just adorable. I grew up speaking German, although throughout my youth I also picked up some Russian from my parents, who themselves grew up in the Kazakh SSR. I haven't so far felt any desire to master the language, but I am spending a bit of my time to learn the Cyrillic script pertaining to the Russian alphabet so that when I see something posted in Russian online or elsewhere, I may as well be able to understand some of it without having to look it up. Aside from that, though, I'm considering properly taking up Mandarin Chinese and learning it until at least an intermediate level. >And Brits usually have something cheeky to say when ever the US comes up
I'm just restraining myself, heh.>Am I using that word correctly?
Mhmm, so you're an engineer, right? Or rather, planning on becoming one? What's that all like?>>24230>I woke up early but then went back to sleep
The worst thing is when you wake up and, before you're able to fall asleep again, grow fully conscious and just start thinking about things; you're unable to fall asleep and can't do anything but roll around in bed. >and had a really weird, vivid dream.
It's always the last conscious or unconscious thought that I have before falling asleep that tends to be, in one way or another, the theme of the dream. The worst thing is that if the dreams are incoherent and strange, I can't do much to change it, as I have little control over them; my mind just loves throwing me into uncomfortable and aesthetically displeasing situations, even if they mostly seem to be triggered out of nowhere, or spares me a potentially pleasant dream by making me experience only a few seconds of it.
Flying through a city? Leading armies into battle? Cuddling?
Having to navigate strange places with even stranger people? Having to confront people from my past?
Yep. And I always black out and find myself in another situation. Or my legs have difficulties carrying my body, or I have problems seeing, or speaking. >>24273
Diseases in general seem quite terrifying; they apathetically display human fragility and show mercy to none. >>24316>so lately i've been rewatching the monogatari series with roommate
That's kind of cute, what's your roommate like? >>24216>i have saved them in a text file so i can look at them again later. >it is hard to stay optimistic but other people thinking i am cool gives me a huge boost.
You yourself are giving me an ego-boost right now through your kind-hearted flattery, haha <3
i didn't really fall in love with shinobu until i watched the kizu ovas (after everything else) and now et toile et toi moves me to tears… what i like about monogatari is that there are no bad female characters. even nadeko won me over>>24327>could it be autism?
kek. i thought i might be autistic for a while but it looks like i'm just a statistical outlier. a freak of nature, basically. when i was younger, instead of math it was various subjects in the humanities, so i think my interests just developed like this over time/as i got bored with other subjects. i get along well with autistic girls though
i don't want to reveal too much about other people in my life because, anonymous image board, security and privacy, et cetera, but she is like a tidal wave of impatient energy. we balance each other out well.
today was pretty boring, i overslept and didn't get anything significant done. i was moody and irritable but i didn't take it out on anyone, just grumbled to myself until i felt better. my sleeping schedule is still a mess. i'm too energetic to sleep now, so i'm going to stay up reading.
like history anon said, my life is arranged to minimize the pain of being alive. if i were rich, i think i'd like to build a dormitory somewhere nice and quiet with a good internet connection, not too far away from civilization (so that sending and receiving mail wouldn't be a problem) and live in seclusion with other lady NEETs.
Sorry for the late reply, I haven't been on CC in a while.
Going further than undergrad, things definitely get more theoretical, and proofs are the core of what you are going to learn. I don't know what you expect to do on your engineering job, but taking those courses and learning about more advanced topics will definitely give you a more varied insight into how to solve the problems you're going to encounter. It probably will not be directly applicable however, and you may not NEED it. Expanding your toolbox is a good way to think about it, but it could also help you craft new tools (I don't know if I made myself clear)
>I have heard of advanced topics which are referred to as "analysis" : abstract algebra, topology, group theory, fields, other stuff?
Most of that is algebra and not analysis (except toplogy which is it's own beast).
I can't say how your previous success will transfer over, but if you are used to mathematical reasoning, building mental models of concepts, and visualizing abstract objects (you do all this, even in undergrad analysis) you should be fine.
No idea about textbooks, sorry. I learned all my math in French.>>24102>Ok I have a question, is someone who answering these 2 questions ready for grad school in math?
I would say more than ready, yes. It's also important to have a decent knowledge of "basic topics" (algebra, analysis and topology), but that person could probably easily catch up on what she's missing, if anything.
When you exercise try doing squats with weights and not just cardio because all that will do it make you skinnier. When have you seen a long distance runner look good?
For the functional square root of e^x, I recall that you have an infinite number of continuous solutions (indexed by some real alpha < 1). I don't recall the analytical expressions, but you can obtain them by composition with exp, log and some function g which is positive and increasing on [0, alpha] (and maybe g(alpha) = 1 ?). Tbh this is a common exercise and I probably could've found the answer of google easily, so this isn't a really good "test of my knowledge".
I haven't done fractional calculus before, sorry.
I don't know this one off the top of my head, and don't want to spend the last few moments of my evening researching it, so you win this round miner !
Sorry if I offended you before
i need some help from some monogatari fans, someone knows how the song that start at 0:55 of this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q46jxuLwXvA
the song is so relaxing and i wanna listen to that without the screams and pedo aesthetics
>>24310>Do you have a favorite chair to sit in when you read?
I like to lay in bed because I have a huge fluffy blanket, or sit at my desk, but this chair kinda sucks>I like to have ambient sound so I set my phone to play wind or rain
That sounds comfy I might try doing this>I have a few scented candles
I really like incense but I lost my incense burner. Sad… it's very calming I really like things that smell nice.
Today one of my plants sprouted a new leaf, I'm thinking of adding to my collection with some potted flowers for my windowsill. I like to look at them when I feel sad because I'm proud of being able to look after them well. I'm going to try to propagate one of my succulents.
Also I finally started reading the three musketeers. I need to sort out some more of my stuff because alot of my books are still packs up then I'll post a list of what I have left to read
Ntayrt, but I'd be up for secret Santa if there was a way to send things w/o revealing my address!! I wouldn't even mind just sending presents lol.
it should be on the Kabukimonogatari Gekihanongakushu OST? i only have a handful of tracks from the kizu ovas & owarimonogatari saved but it should be on that one. >the fanservice
i was raised by 4chan, so… (unfortunately? fortunately?) the only series with fanservice that grossed me out was nise (the one with the five minute long toothbrushing scene in the middle of the season).
chronologically it occurs after araragi starts dating hitagi but before she's recovered enough from her trauma to have sex with him (which happens at the end of nise after she confronts kaiki) so you can view the OTT fanservice as araragi's sexual frustration. in tsubasa tiger, hanekawa is the narrator and POV character, so his sisters are completely nonsexual again but hitagi is at her lewdest… (coughs) it's all a narrative level excuse for fanservice and lewd scenes, but even if you accept that, nisemonogatari is still a bit challenging to watch. my roommate put it on 2x speed lol.>>24434
i'd be too paranoid to participate in something like that unless i was the one organizing it
but it's a nice idea. let's wait until it's closer to xmas to sort out the details? no rush…
i wound up having another little meltdown over the weekend but it wasn't as bad as last week. the clinic still hasn't contacted me about the appointment but i can try calling on them tomorrow
all i want to do today is lie in bed and shitpost, but i'm going to make myself go out for fast food and then walk to the nearest superstore to see if i can get some lightweight shelves for my clothes. right now they're just in piles around my room or in the basket, and they've been like that since i moved in, but i've been meaning to 'do something' about it for months. so on a day like today where i don't have any mental energy, i'll try tiring out my body instead>>24413
ganbare, anon-chan! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶
oh, i was browsing it back in 2004 or so? so was my roommate, part of why we get along well. basically, no matter what it is, i've already seen worse/edgier. (not really something to brag about.)
i walked to the superstore and my roommate came and picked me up, so i got the shelves and a few other random things i wanted. my brain still feels like it's made of styrofoam, but the mental fog is clearing up a little.
pchoo. walked to the grocery store and got more milk and butter and some other crap. that warmed me up. i need to exercise more. it's almost may, but it's still chilly outside… i think a reasonable goal for may will be to work through 1 chapter of my math textbook every week and continue on like that.
i have a load of dirty clothes & bedding to wash and then a load of "delicates", and then i'll have a well organized clothes rack. i have extra room, too, so one shelf is for clean bedding.
"way too old to be living like this". 28. i started dating my ex when i was 26 (we had been friends since i was 23) and i stupidly believed they wanted to marry me, but last year they fucked me, dumped me, and then said they were never 'really' serious about me and refused to answer whether they were ever even attracted to me. after that i got fired from two jobs and just gave up. i'll be turning 29 in may. before them i didn't have any adult relationships so i thought i had finally figured my life plans out. now i'm like this… that's my excuse..
Wtf that's an awful way to treat someone. Being treated like that would really Fuck me up.
I'm the same age as you, if I were single I'd probably be in a similar situation as you.
Idek where I'm going with this.
Thanks for reminding me I have to clean up my clothes today.
always glad to hear i've been useful somehow <3
since engineer anon asked, i do have other friends, but they're all long-distance/internet only at the moment. i don't mind it much. in theory i don't mind weekends, either - the absence of the weekday routine of seeing roommate off to work and welcoming her back just … disrupts the pattern. if i don't have a plan for something to do, i tend to dwell on unpleasant memories.
i ordered GABA supplements online and i'm testing out the effects. the goal is clearer thinking, which it seems to support - i'll report on my opinions properly once i've taken them for a few weeks.
i'm up late and still reading the herzen autobiography. i was able to slam through the volumes of gulag archipelago in 1-2 days apiece, but the way herzen writes is grating to me - grandiose, almost smugly intellectual - so it's taken me ages to really "get going". currently on page 243/684. (also remembered to move a container of chickpeas from the freezer to the fridge so it can defrost overnight.)
ehhhh… women in my family are all batshit crazy but (as a genetic trade off?) we don't tend to hit "the wall" until around 40 years old. i'm not too worried about it, as long as i start taking better care of my skin. my mother was able to ride the chad cock carousel until she was 50. for (obvious?) reasons i'm not interested in romance right now. i'm more worried about my career prospects/becoming functional enough to have a job.
i appreciate the worry, though. my last relationship was indeed a gigantic waste of my time and my youth, so the desire to make up for that lost time (fueled by the anger and pain) is a strong motivator.
Hi frens, today I have my therapy appointment and I'm pretty nervous. Honestly I've been doing pretty well. I've had no slip ups with showering and brushing my teeth this week and I straightened my hair the other day. I made tea this morning and I've just been reading stuff on the net for the last few hours. I couldn't really get into The Three Musketeers, so I started reading Hard to be a God by Akrkady & Boris Strugatsky.
I really want to practice my art! Alas, I lost the cord to my drawing tablet somewhere in my room while I was sorting out my suitcases. On the bright side I found my incense burner and I'm hoping to buy some incense and a potter flower with my NEETbux soon.
I dealt with my depression with drinking for awhile because I was very apathetic to everything, but I haven't drank in over a month and I feel a lot better physically. My mental illnesses haven't lessened but I'm happy my skin looks less haggard
Also after contacting my bank I never ended up getting my money back and I will have to call them again but I'm really nervous so I've been putting it off.. I've been really comfy just doin me not talking to anyone and now I have to break that bubble
>>24519> as long as i start taking better care of my skin
what's your skin care routine?
I just use a foam fash wash, rose oil toner, an oil free moisturizer. Sometimes I use britening oil on my cheeks, and I have eye cream that I put on with my moisturizer. I dont have a night routine. >i'm not interested in romance right now> i'm more worried about[…]becoming functional enough to have a job
Smart, also hitting the wall is an incel cope meme. Just take care of yourself and 30.. 50, whatever in the real world it doesn't matter.
I hope you're doing well did you do the dishes and stuff?>>24524>Honesty I sorta like going to therapy
I have bad experiences but I'm willing to give it a shot. I think my therapist is kinda airheaded but I might be being biased and I feel like I should go especially because I don't want to, if that makes sense.
I'm hoping I end up liking her though she hasn't do anything wrong.
how does that make them treat you differently?
>>24523>I've been really comfy just doin me not talking to anyone and now I have to break that bubble
Me in a nutshell. I've made baby steps over the past two weeks, but everything moves frustratingly slow. Then again it's better than my lethargy for the year. What motivated you to try and burst out of the NEET bubble?
im glad you've been keeping up with the self care stuff!! reminds me i gotta brush my teeth.>>24526>skin care routine
AHAHahahaha… sometimes i wash my face with my body lotion soap. that's pretty much it.
i've never been able to stand wearing makeup because i'm allergic to most of it, and i avoid direct sunlight so i don't have much sun damage. but i should start wearing sunscreen. and i borrowed my friend's facial cleanser and was surprised by how much nicer i looked, so i'll probably get some of the same stuff. i found a body wash that works pretty well with my skin but it's got some shady ingredients in it so i'm going to replace it with something nicer when i run out.
-_- i'm a total novice. i'll see if i can find some sample size stuff to try out and experiment a little.>>24527
that's a good question. i don't really know the answer. it's difficult for me to imagine myself having a "future". i'm keeping myself busy and trying to improve myself, but i don't know where i'm going.
i used to want to tell my ex "good morning" and "good night" every day for the rest of our lives. but that will never happen. it was never even a possibility, i just thought it could be. because they said they loved me all the time.
i don't know anymore. i just don't want anything like that to happen to me ever again, because i nearly killed myself. if it happened again i don't think i would have the strength to stop myself from doing it.
"i don't want to be hurt anymore." that's pretty much it.
maybe if i keep improving a little at a time, next year i'll be able to say i have another goal, or a dream to pursue. right now i just don't have anything left.
i try not to think about it too much. i used to be okay, before i met them. i will be okay again. it's just an issue of getting there.
Anonymous Moderator 24547
This is not a chatroom, please refrain from the excessive use of nicknames.
thanks for the tip anon i will search in the ost
my mood has recovered, thank you anons. i think i've been overly emotional and crying too much lately because i reduced my meds dosage to try and "wait it out" (for the clinic to contact me first and issue refills) but i just realized that i'm being stupid and mentally ill about this. thinking there's 'no way out' of a shitty situation unless someone else acts first is a bad habit of mine. i'm going to go in tomorrow and insist on seeing someone. i'm definitely sick of crying about the same thing so much, even if it's a little cathartic.
having a plan of action makes me feel better.
Anyone tried a digital sabbath? I'm thinking of carrying it out once a week every Sunday. My unproductivity traces back to overindulgence in internet escapism until my eyes wear out. Maybe this will lead to an increase in house chores, more reading, or heading out without a plan in mind. Healthier productivity.
Unsure whether I should create a new thread for this or not. The technique could assist NEETs in breaking out of our cycles. I'll leave the experiment here for now and report back with the results.
it's a good idea, i think. unplugging myself from the internet for periods of time has improved my attention span & my self control a little.
it turns out the reason no one got back to me earlier about a doctor's appointment is that someone lost my release of information forms, so it's a good thing i was proactive about it!! D: they're going to call me tomorrow. in the meantime the pharmacy issued me an emergency fill for the next few days. it would have been bad if i had just kept waiting around. phew.
i also got sunscreen and some herbal alternatives to the meds i take, just in case. i know from experience that they've got some annoying side effects but it's better than withdrawal. they didn't have the face cleanser i was looking for though so i'll try another store tomorrow.
i'm going to plow through more of the herzen autobio and try to finish it today. i hope everyone else has a good day today, i am cheering for you
Are online friendships off-limit? Your previous posts left quite the impression on me and I'd love being able to talk with someone as thoughtful and relatable as you privately from time to time.
If not, then I understand; I just would've beaten myself up later if I hadn't at least asked. >>24603>in particular I want to improve at Go (the board game)
Heh, if I promise to go easy on you, will you play with me? Maybe we could play Chess together as well.
plans… i'm going to re-caulk the shower this weekend because it was badly done the first time and keeps getting moldy. also plan to keep working on math problems, keep up the personal hygiene, and think hard about what i want to do in the future. it really was a good question.
i've spent a lot of my life being carried away by passions that i allowed to overrule my reason. sometimes it was a good decision, eg, becoming intensely interested in an academic subject or a skill i wanted to master; sometimes it was a terrible decision, eg, becoming infatuated with people to the extent that i couldn't see their flaws.
i can't change my nature - i know i'll never be able to excise that tendency to become obsessively interested in things. but going forward, i hope i have become wise enough to limit the objects of that passion to things that benefit me and increase my development as a human being, instead of things that humiliate my dignity and knock me down. (i plan on throwing myself a party once i get to six months of no contact with my ex, lol.)>>24609
anon… i already think of you guys as friends…!
i will keep posting ITT, of course. maybe later i will be confident enough to post a throwaway email.
after dealing with insomnia for the past couple of weeks i did something sensible and bought myself melatonin and valerian supplements. taking the recommended dosage of valerian and double the melatonin knocked me out for 14 hours… today i'll be halving the valerian and sticking to a single dose of melatonin, and taking them earlier in the evening, because although i needed the sleep, i did not expect to be unconscious for that long and i was still very groggy when i got up. i didn't miss anything super important - the clinic didn't call me, so they'll probably contact me tomorrow (and if they don't i can just go in again), and it's been rainy and overcast all week long so far, so i didn't miss any nice weather. i just feel a bit foolish because i was planning to get up earlier and watch some anime with roommate before she left for work. whoops. (she thought it was funny)
>>24672>agave plant straight from the wilderness
That sounds really cool! I would love that. >>24677
I'm sorry.. well I saved the photos they're nice
These are the plants I'm growing. I dropped the succulent on the ground so half of it broke off. But it's still okay.. kind of.
tfw paranoid, sobs
nope!!! i haven't checked any of their public social media, i have them blocked everywhere, and don't have any mutual friends. they are 100% dead to me for about six weeks now, i started the zero contact rule right before Lent. good riddance.
:0 link didn't work but i found the thread, nice board. i might branch out and post there too… don't worry about being impersonated, i could tell it wasn't you based on typing style. gently hugs.
i'm glad that you have been doing well lately, bery proud of you! i'm sure the cats are grateful to you too, they have much better sense of smell than humans.
i made myself spaghetti with homemade sauce for dinner and washed the dishes, so now i'm going to keep reading the herzen. i have about 200 pages left and it's gotten a little more interesting now that he's talking about the revolutions he was there for in europe instead of his life as a russian nobleman.
Your dinner sounds nice!I don't really cook but it's something I want to learn. I was looking up recipes last night because I need to use some salmon before it goes bad, probably going to put it into a pasta bake with leeks and spinach. >>24681
Sorry I'm just a paranoid person it's why I stay inside. Sometimes I read the threads about u gais locating eachother and it makes me worried about what I post..
its my roommate's recipe, i will ask for the specifics because idk what spices she puts in it. makes one huge batch of like. 6-8 servings that we put in tupperware and freeze for the week.>>24689
understandable -.- paranoia is the barbed wire fence around most of my online and offline activities. but i still like you, to the extent that i know you.
i fumbled at cooking chicken with vegetables a few days ago and the sauce turned green, lol. roommate still ate it though
I dreamt about a boy I kind of knew in school, 2 or 3 years ago. This is the second, maybe third time this has happened. I think he thought I was cute or something, based on how he acted around me. I let him put his head on my lap once. I found him attractive, but I couldn't approach him. Some other girl dated him, then he moved away, and they broke up because he was too much of a depressed stoner for her. She once randomly said that she herself dreamed that I "took him away from her". In an alternate, more amoral universe, I think I probably would have.
In the dream I had about him, I lifted my shirt to show him my breasts, and he took a photo. When I woke up, I was actually somewhat turned on and touched myself for maybe two minutes. In the last two dreams, nothing vaguely sexual happened, I just remembered staring at him and coveting him.
I don't typically think about him, I feel no actual attachment to him, and he's completely irrelevant to my waking life. I don't even remember his name. Even though he was handsome, from what I heard, his character would've made any attempt at a relationship a waste of time and energy. I don't really want to lust over anyone, and I'm too depressed to put too much energy into anything sexual (including masturbation). So, why would this keep happening? Why is my brain fixating on this ancient, unfulfilled crush that probably wouldn't have amounted to much besides casual sex?
All the same, if this is going to happen, why can't these at least be dreams with actual sex? Why can't I even touch him in my imagination? I still vividly remember his hair, his face, his bright eyes, his thick eyelashes, the clothes he wore, and how tall and lanky he was. If I'm going to dream about wanting him, why doesn't it ever go "that" far? It's frustrating having to deal with these weird, wistful pangs when I wake up.
Him being in the dream might not be significant; dreams have a tendency to randomly pick people from your catalogue of acquaintances. That being said, you have needs and since you repress them in the waking world, it makes sense for them to appear in dreams, no?
i think your brain probably uses the image of this guy to represent unfulfilled or unobtainable desires. you know he would have been a terrible partner, but back in the day, you felt attraction to him. so perhaps it means that you have very limited experience with feeling attraction and this guy is the only memory your head could throw at you; or perhaps you're frustrated in some other area of your life, like a goal that seems out of reach or like you lack direction, and that frustration got mixed up with sexual frustration.
today i stripped the moldy caulking out of the shower and re-caulked it, because it's been pissing me off that the mold keeps returning no matter how thoroughly i try to clean it. my roommate praised me for it to other people, which made me really happy. i may be a shitty NEET, but i want to be an asset, not a burden.
i've got 163 pages left of the herzen (out of 684) so i'm determined to finish reading it today. i hate this guy's personality and writing style so much it's taken me weeks to get this far. each volume of gulag archipelago is about 600-650 pages and i was able to finish those in 1-3 days apiece. but i feel like i've been reading herzen for years… it'll be nice to finally read something else.
Woke up after 4 hours of sleep today. Managed to push in another hour, at the very least.
During that time, I dreamt that I was cooking something. One of my upper teeth fell into a pan and I fished it out. "Amazing," I thought, "maybe no one will notice?" Then they all started to fall out and I seriously started to worry about the dental costs. A mirror conveniently appeared before me and I could tell it looked weird when I opened my mouth. I also sounded like a troglodyte when I talked, so the situation was dire. I smuggled and hid the teeth in my room and went back to cooking while thinking of how to explain the situation to my parents (I'm generally unable to tell dreams from reality).
I started to question how I was going to eat any of the food I made anyway. I looked up and saw a strange picture of a laughing Moot and Snacks. Its smug aura mocked me, and I threw it on the ground. I then woke up, and was glad to have a set of straight, white teeth.
I was drenched in sweat, though, so I went to take a shower.
I'm probably steering clear of the wine today. I'll make myself some coffee instead.
My former online friend also turned out to be a Twitch streamer. He once grew all pouty when I wouldn't send him nudes after he gushed over my face for a bit (can't blame him, it's probably my best quality). I just led him on because he was otherwise fun to talk to, what with his 'Strayan banter, and the attention was nice. Maybe I should try contacting him. I guess this is what happens when you google the names of people you used to talk to. But you never know if they've changed…
Some previous posters also talked of plants. Well, I don't need to worry about any of that, as my mother seems to love buying and putting her plants into almost every room. There's a garden outside the kitchen that has long been untended to, though, so maybe I could plant something there. >>24696>but I can’t personally relate to this feel.
Oh boy…>>24672>throwaway email.
<3>>24718>my roommate praised me for it to other people, which made me really happy.
Adorable. >it'll be nice to finally read something else.
What's next on your list? Also, your reading speed seems to handily surpass even mine, so I'm impressed.
Congrats for the mouldy work, anon! Also cheers to your roommate for praising your work, nothing’s more demoralizing than having our good deeds ignored. >>24719
May I ask why you’re considering recontacting him now that he is a streamer? I’m not saying you shouldn’t, just curious as to your change of feelings. >>24721
I noticed you get flustered whenever sexuality was discussed. Any reason why that topic makes you uncomfortable?
i forced myself to finish the herzen, at last, before replying. kek. next on my list is gogol's 'dead souls', which herzen frequently alludes to. i find gogol a bit dry, but after such a ponderous work as "my past & thoughts" reading fiction again will be lovely.
as an aside: my bad dreams about teeth tend to be that they start dissolving, from the inside, like sugarcubes, and then the exterior shatters like eggshell as i feel it with my tongue. it's never painful, in the dream, but it is alarming. >>24721
the issue with the shower caulking was that it wasn't allowed to cure properly the first time it was done, i think. it was splitting and revealing wet, black mold beneath it - meaning water was getting through it or around it. perhaps the caulk used initially was not totally waterproof? the corners of the shower were always peeling and festering, inside and outside of it. it took me about two hours to scrape it all out, sitting on a towel in the shower, and the "innards" of the strips i peeled away were in worse shape than the exterior. i removed everything that was moldy and used up two tubes of silicone caulk resealing it. the shower will be back in use tomorrow afternoon. >recipe
i stayed up late reading, so my roommate is already in bed, but i will ask for the sauce on the sauce tomorrow. >what i've learned
oh gosh. maybe when i've finished my to-read stack? i don't think i've learned very much yet but i've gained a rough idea of a couple of important characters on the "stage", lol, and what the fears and hopes of the people were at the time.>>24727
it's the garnett translation, abridged by macdonald. a full english edition is just now being published, i think - or it was available for preorder? - but as it was numerous volumes, and as this was the version i was recommended, i don't mind. i don't mind garnett's translations in general, either, it's mainly the personality of the author lol. you might find him a lot more appealing than i did, i simply felt… that if i could have met him in person i would have delivered a swift jab to the nose, followed by an uppercut to the jaw.
more math later, it's bedtime. gnight anons
Hi, anon. I've actually posted a few times in here, but I was completely ignorant of posters using certain themes to identify themselves. Thanks for informing me, I guess I'll just use Rei pictures for the time being.
I'm a bit paranoid about people I've met online finding this thread, looking through these posts and identifying me, so certain things I might not sign with significant markers, but I'll try to keep consistent for the most part. I guess something like this is good for (somewhat) meaningful socialization. >there will be other guys, like many many other guys who will leave this guy in the dust in terms of desirability — I wouldn’t get hung up on any particular person, especially if you yourself describe him as a “depressed stoner”.
Yeah, I know you're right on that. I'm not even really interested in courting someone right now. I mean, I'm in something of an LDR, which is very emotionally fulfilling, but I guess there not being any literal, physical aspect makes it hard? I don't know. Maybe the dreams are some manifestation of my mind telling me that. The feeling of having something sort of in your reach, but being unable to act on those feelings. Why I'm dreaming of this other guy instead of the person I'm actually seeing is a mystery, though. >I wish I had something more useful to say, but I can’t personally relate to this feel. Sorry
No need to apologize, this was helpful>>24703
You might be correct on that. I don't think I'm repressed, though. It's just that I barely ever feel anything sexual anymore while awake. I guess this could be my brain's way of reminding me I'm not actually asexual, just in a weird mental state, similar to how you might not be in the mood for a certain food, but you're aware of its existence in your kitchen? Minds are strange. >>24718
That definitely sounds about right, both on the sexual side and the non-sexual. I'm pretty frustrated and helpless about my current situation, I'm basically just waiting to get out of this rut and start my life. Weird how emotions can mix.>today i stripped the moldy caulking out of the shower and re-caulked it, because it's been pissing me off that the mold keeps returning no matter how thoroughly i try to clean it. my roommate praised me for it to other people, which made me really happy. i may be a shitty NEET, but i want to be an asset, not a burden.
Good job, anon! You should be proud.>i've got 163 pages left of the herzen (out of 684) so i'm determined to finish reading it today. i hate this guy's personality and writing style so much it's taken me weeks to get this far. each volume of gulag archipelago is about 600-650 pages and i was able to finish those in 1-3 days apiece. but i feel like i've been reading herzen for years… it'll be nice to finally read something else.
There's no shame in taking a little break to read something more enjoyable, anon. Maybe some short stories by an author you like?>>24719
That's a pretty intense dream, but it's good you still have your teeth. I've heard teeth falling out in dreams is a sign of anxiety around something IRL (and also that you should never
look in mirrors in dreams). The Moot and Snacks thing is the most bizarre part, though.>My former online friend also turned out to be a Twitch streamer. He once grew all pouty when I wouldn't send him nudes after he gushed over my face for a bit (can't blame him, it's probably my best quality). I just led him on because he was otherwise fun to talk to, what with his 'Strayan banter, and the attention was nice.
I kind of understand this feeling. I used to prefer being friends with guys when I was a dumb tween as a result of heavy 4chan usage, but they almost always want something in the end. I wasn't aware that I was really leading them on, though, I just foolishly thought I could side-step those things if I just laughed them off. It obviously didn't work that way, and it was sad. Oh, well.>Maybe I should try contacting him. I guess this is what happens when you google the names of people you used to talk to. But you never know if they've changed…
You're not worried that he'll hassle you for nudes again, or do you just not mind anymore?
do any of you ever roleplay? like, via writing with other people online. i think it's a fun hobby.
Many years ago, yeah. Part of me want to return to it for niche hobbies' sake. The other half remains too inconsistent to keep up with a dedicated roleplayer. It was fun. CYOAs and interactive fiction are a happy balance.
you are right about being paranoid. you can never be paranoid enough around here. and you can be sure that if you post a throwaway you will be contacted by guys lurking here.
In this case, we do know what you're going to get. What you're going to get is a robot pretending to be a girl for a while before he spergs out on you. But if you want male attention then by all means.
>>24784>What you're going to get is a robot pretending to be a girl
mfw I realize you aren't talking about an actual robot sad beep
>>24741>gogol's 'dead souls'
I started reading it before succumbing to sleep.>>24723>just curious as to your change of feelings.
No change in feelings; I'm not lacking in material possessions either, if that's what you're insinuating. I simply like stimulating conversations with people who either entertain me or whom I myself find interesting (preferably both). Besides, long-distance relationships are a pain. >>24752>LDR, which is very emotionally fulfilling
I remember having felt the same way initially once. Hope it turns out better for you than it did for me.>I've heard teeth falling out in dreams is a sign of anxiety around something IRL
I don't possess much of an anxious air around me, although sometimes I twirl and then tug on/against my hair, which my mother likes to interpret as a sign of anxiety on the rare occasion she sees me do it. It's more difficult with my dreams, though, because they're frequently strange and thereby put me in situations that can often be interpreted negatively. Although, sure, there may be something underlying there that I am not addressing, even if it doesn't actually cause me distress in my waking life. >>24746
I was busy reading and then fell asleep. What, did you want to tell me something again?>>24753>roleplay
When I was 13/14, I indulged in it occasionally; now there is some embarrassing stuff out there.>>24783>You know… that's a bad attitude.
Oh boy, I bet it is.>>24784>What you're going to get is a robot pretending to be a girl for a while before he spergs out on you.
Pretty much this.
so my hunch was correct, huh.
>>24806>don't have the nagatoro version saved
well then. >>24796>dead souls
herzen made such a to-do about "not all noblemen" and how the caricatures in it were antiquated that it's extra-funny to me, as chapter two lampoons him to a t
( ° ʖ °)
went on a walk to the lake with roommate wearing the roll-on sunscreen i got a few days ago, and timed things so that the shower would be cleared for use once we got back. i hate smearing goo on my face and using the spray-on stuff is a recipe for burning eyes, but this deodorant-stick variety isn't bad at all. makes me more likely to use it, lol. washed my hair, i'll oil and keratin it later.
i could have complained to the landlord about the state of the shower but that would have resulted in him sending some man here to occupy the bathroom for several hours & attempt to chat with me.
Or maybe a mod deleted it? I mean, I can picture a few guys lurking for info, but an army of robots ready to attack at any instant?
Hello, I'm currently playing vidya games and getting high because I did everything I needed to do yesterday.. which was some washing plus clean the kitchen.
I've been really tired lately, falling asleep in afternoon and waking up at around 6am. It kinda sucks because my boyfriend has the opposite sleeping pattern to me.
I've stopped being that interested in reading again unfortunately but maybe I'll do more art stuff.. or not xP
I saved an orchid from death(hopefully), its last were browning and rotting off and it's buddy that it was planted next to had withered and started rotting. They hadn't been touched in like 5+ months. Now it's repotted and the leaves look less brown + theres a new bud!>>24807
ugh.. I complained to my last landlord about the bathroom not having a lock and he told me to fix it myself, the place was shared with around 7 other people.. >>24718
Alot of people would just leave those things like that and don't pay much mind I guess. So being cleanly is a great trait for a stinky neet, one I smelly neet like me could learn heh.
it was one guy>admitted to not being a NEET>never blogposted, just asked anons personal questions about their lives>stalked posters trying to guess their locations>suggested and wanted to set up a mail exchange (read: get people's addresses) >complained about anons not being interested in "making friends"
i had already reported that poster once for the stalking, i'm just polite. glad the mods took out the trash. >>24811>plant rescue
good work anon! >cleanliness
i only recently started to get my shit together about that, i was showering once a week to once every two weeks and not brushing my teeth at all. now i have a better batting average, i only miss a day once or twice a week. making myself a little scorecard helped but it was still a huge chore the first two weeks. it's a process… don't put yourself down for being messy, reward yourself for the times you succeed
i washed the towels and bedding yesterday, and i just started a load of delicate laundry (sweaters, etc). my remaining goals for the day are to buy groceries, cook dinner, and get some reading done. hope everyone has a nice day <3
Sunday Luddite here. Results of the digital sabbath:>Didn't use phone besides directions for getting to an unfamiliar area>Visited a farmer's market and got fresh fish>Practiced in the pottery studio for the rest of the day>Died inside when my tallest cylinder collapsed on the wheel again>Cooked said fish for dinner with my boyfriend>Collapsed on the bed
Next week should be more eventful with less things on the to-do list. This isn't a riveting read but anything beats staying shut-in all day. All aboard for productivity!>>24811
How many plants do you recommend starting out with as a beginner? I'm interested in growing basil and curry leaves or cilantro. My place has bright but partially filtered sunlight and no outdoor space.
You're probably already long done with Dead Souls, no? What did you make of it?
I personally thought it was mostly a good read, although a little rough around the edges, with the first part also being a fair bit better than the second, and the transition into the second part also being a bit awkward.
The author went a little off the deep end by talking about Chichikov's moral condition, which quickly devolved into talking about the human condition as a whole, which only further devolved into talking about nationalistic critics, before finally returning to the topic of Chichikov, which I ultimately did not see the relevance of in regard to the story, and instead viewed as general social commentary (talk about subtlety)… And then I worried he was going to do it again with a fellow named Tientietnikov by using him as some sort of extraneous literary device, but was reassured when it actually did go somewhere, although why it had to focus on the narrative from his perspective for a while, I do not know.
I also feel like I should mostly feel indignancy towards pretty much all the landowners of the first part, as well as, what I had at least initially assumed before the author's own comments, the profit-driven and scheming protagonist, but, for the most part, I feel either neutral about them or find them entertaining. It is simply the feudal nature of the very society to which one can't help but grow accustomed to if one has been raised inside of it and has not been subject to strict penalties and regulations. Yet when it comes to matters of moral pretentiousness, even one of the later landowners, by which I mean the honorable and traditional, God-fearing Kostanzhoglo, displays his own superficialities by being too caught up inside of his own narrative. Meanwhile, Platon and Vassili seem like rather sane and comforting individuals, but do not entertain like Sobakevitch or Nozdrev. Even the extroverted Pietukh and eccentric Colonel Koshkarev managed to arguably leave less of a lasting impression than the sober Plushkin or the overall strange Korobotchka.
As an aside, that whole, what I had assumed to be, set-up of the romantic subplot with the golden-haired youth in the first part also never amounted to anything.
Also, maybe I missed it, but are the souls not all equal? At least when it came to matters of qualifications, Chichikov made it a point of contention, when Sobakevitch was coaxing up the dead serfs (which was kind of hilarious), to emphasize the fact that they were dead, and their qualifications didn't matter, and yet he then became annoyed when he had this weird episode of gushing all over the potential lives of the serfs since he saw a female name mixed in the list, to the point of complaining and even questioning Sobakevitch about it later? Maybe that was just Chichikov's hypocrisy coming to the forefront (yet) again.
In general, the conversations were probably the most enjoyable part, whereas I did have to get used to the amount of vivid, sometimes near-excessive (by my uncultivated standards) descriptions of the surroundings and other details, although this may be brought about due to the fact that I have been reading a lot on history and politics, and have been neglecting the realm of fiction entirely.
Chichikov is also interesting; at times so dry and distant when things are calm or going smoothly; at times quite funny and even outspoken when he is pushed or excited. Quite relatable. >i washed the towels and bedding yesterday, and i just started a load of delicate laundry (sweaters, etc). my remaining goals for the day are to buy groceries, cook dinner, and get some reading done.
Astonishing as always! It actually feels weird calling you a NEET, considering how much work you actually engage in on a seemingly daily basis.
chichikov is essentially buying dead souls in order to commit mortgage fraud - he can "mortgage" them to the state treasury once he owns land and get a shitload of money loaned to him based on how many peasants he supposedly owns, and a male serf would be worth somewhat more money than a female serf. it's an incredibly petty detail for him to get angry over. gogol's tangents on morality and human nature are, i think, intended to be a bit satirical, because russian authors are prone to going off on exactly that sort of tangent at great length.
i've never heard a russian praise book two of dead souls, kek. i believe gogol intended to make the story span several books, but i think he lacked the stamina for a work of that scale - his short stories are vivid, funny, and self-contained. book one is perfect on its own; book two is like watching him run up, fail to clear a hurdle, and skin his knees.>getting a lot done every day
i'm a naturally lazy, scatterbrained person, and i struggle to make myself get anything done if i'm not already enthusiastic about it. i want to be more diligent, so i'm trying to treat diligence as a muscle to be trained… 'ego depletion' and all that. i have a limited ability to make myself do things i don't want to do but i'm trying to gradually increase that reserve of willpower.
since the clinic still hasn't gotten back to me i walked to the hospital today and went into the ER and managed to get a one month refill on my meds. on them i'm much more functional, so i'm planning to use that extra edge to harass the bureaucracy into getting my shit dealt with before i run out again. it would be nice if it weren't an uphill battle, but… it'd be nice to have a million dollars, too. lol. can't be helped.
they checked my vitals in the ER and since i haven't been exercising, like, at all, i've started to develop high blood pressure. now that i have a number staring me in the face i have no excuses for not getting a gym membership. i plan on taking care of that and pestering the clinic again tomorrow. meanwhile, the math has been neglected… but it can wait until wednesday, i'm sure.
next up on the reading list is turgenev's 'sketches from a hunter's album' and the penguin classics collection of short stories by tolstoi.
oh, one thing i forgot to mention - i have already read goncharov's three novels, and his best-known, oblomov, is basically about tentetnikov as a main character, his failed romance with his ulinka, and a happy end in which kostanzhogolo and ulinka wind up married (all the names were changed, of course). i was pretty amused by it; it's as though goncharov wrote his own lengthy fanfiction manifesto about why tentetnikov and ulinka would never work out as a ship.
yande.re 52670 sam…
My mom told me I should at least move about and exercise or do something instead of withering away in my room. I mean, I ended up dancing around the house and singing my lungs out while listening to music after downing a bottle of wine. That counts, right? Nice way to produce serotonin at least.>i walked to the hospital today and went into the ER and managed to get a one month refill on my meds.
Ughh…. I'm comparatively sheltered to, and a whole decade younger than, you (at least when you'll turn 29), so that I find it difficult to give any meaningful or profound input throughout your current or past struggles. Since my parents also keep a close watch on my account, I'm not sure if I could in any way financially assist you?>scatterbrained person
At least you seem to get shit done, and can otherwise just devour book after book without seemingly diverting your attention… Ironically, I consider myself more of a focused person, and yet, for what it's worth, you seem like a much more capable, driven, and, well, focused, individual than me, at least from what I've gathered. I couldn't do what you did with that shower, for instance. I'd probably just curl up and cry, lol.>and i struggle to make myself get anything done if i'm not already enthusiastic about it.
Mhmm, that has become apparent pertaining to myself as well since a very young age. I additionally tend to push things away as far as possible, but if I am then finally forced to get around to doing them, I tend to do them well and thoroughly, so that I can be properly done with them after expending one burst of energy. I generally tend to also think in a very all-or-nothing sort of way. If I want to know something about a historical figure or time period, then I need to know everything, or at least acquire as much information as I can. That's why mathematics always gave me such an aneurysm, because even if I tried, I never understood the underlying basis' for, say, formulas or what-have-you. Pounding my way through it never brought me any results; I (almost) always got curb-stomped, which I never felt regarding any other subjects. Not like I have any issues with, say, quickly subtracting or multiplying two numbers, though, so I can't blame it on dyscalculia or something of that nature. It's not a great mindset to be sure, but I'm glad to be a NEET when I think back to shit like this, and really dread whenever my mother happens to occasionally bring up the topic of possibly resuming schooling. At least I managed to somehow motivate myself enough to get my driver's license last year (although I find driving to be such a chore, and ultimately avoid it).
I should wish my father's amassed fortune coupled with the leasing of this property upon which I currently reside in would be enough to possibly move to Greece, by the unspeakably gorgeous Aegean Sea, and just lead a predominantly comfortable existence there; although it may just be a silly little fantasy of mine.
oh, don't worry about that - i received a modest inheritance from one of my relatives dying, so i can afford to be a NEET for a few years, easily. i only spend money on books, groceries, and medical expenses.
19 is an energetic and difficult age to be. i don't think there's anything wrong with being unable to adapt to traditional schooling, especially if your country's education system is fucked up. i dropped out of high school and started taking evening (& weekend) college classes at the closest physical locations, and only took classes in what i particularly wanted to learn. doing that for several years, i gradually accumulated almost enough credits for a bachelor's degree. i'm only two classes away from completing it, or was, last time i checked. the issue is that i've been "two classes away from graduating" for about 4 years now, thanks to the brain injury.
i always felt that when it came to mathematics, i'd develop an interest in it when i got older, so i didn't worry too much about it. and now i've gotten to the point where i can say i think math is interesting and kind of cool. but when i was 19 i was devoted to world literature & learning foreign languages, and thought i would contribute to world peace (lol) by translating primary source texts into english, and vice versa. 'i like doing this, but i don't want to have to do it for a living' was what i eventually concluded, and my interests shifted to psychology, then biology, then neuroscience. i took my sweet time getting around to an interest in math. even now i'm not really interested in math in and of itself, but i'm aware that becoming skilled at it will help me become a better scientist and improve my understanding of the universe.
i guess what i'm trying to say is 'don't worry about it too much'.
i felt oversaturated with the russian-ness of everything i've been reading the past six weeks or so, so i'm cleansing my mental palate with mishima and soseki today/tomorrow. it's been rainy and miserable all day outside… i got a gym membership at a 24/7 gym yesterday and picked up a few groceries on my walk back. tomorrow i'm going to go to a different clinic, one attached to the hospital, and try to set up an intake appointment there instead; i still haven't heard back from the first one. all i "plan" to accomplish today is light reading & drinking some scotch.
ultimately everyone progresses through life at their own pace, no matter how much they're urged to hurry up or slow down. it wound up being a good thing that i was still working retail and not enrolled in a time-sensitive graduate degree program at 25 because if i'd had either of those things, the brain trauma would have destroyed my career and academic prospects. it's also fortunate, looking back on it, that none of my romantic relationships ever worked out, because the recovery process (from childhood trauma & brain problems) has been ugly. i consider myself pretty fortunate, all things considered, and i've learned not to waste my time and energy blaming myself for not living anyone else's life. i only have to live my own, and i only have to outdo the person i was yesterday. >>24956
that kind of thing doesn't bother me, lmao
I found a moth larva in my bed today after putting on fresh sheets ;_; it was dead and dry and hard already, but gross.
Moths suck, they are so hard to get rid of
D: god I hate moths. recently had to throw out some of the houseplants because moths were breeding in the soil and there were larvae all over them
I'm tired, so I might ramble a bit…>that kind of thing doesn't bother me
Ugh, still, I'm sorry, I completely forgot about that part! >unable to adapt to traditional schooling
I'm not sure if I'm unable to per se; I just find it to be an inefficient system, and ultimately more of a waste of time than anything, and once I've deemed something unworthy of my attention, I mentally block it out, which was actually fine in that case, because aside from mathematics, school was never really difficult at all for me, and I hardly felt the need to ever study. >if your country's education system is fucked up.
Antiquated, to be sure, but yeah, it's more tolerable with other people around you who can at least somewhat stimulate your mind or out of whom you can get a reaction. But by the end of the last two years of school I had been abandoned/sidelined by all my former friends/acquaintances, so it was an even more profoundly boring and monotonous day-to-day experience, and I never even bothered to show up for the graduation after finishing my final exam. I thereafter didn't go to school on the first day of the next year either (I remember not having slept the entire previous night, so I was fucking dead anyway), and have been a NEET ever since.>modest inheritance
Ahh, okay then, because I initially assumed your roommate alone kept the household afloat financially. Were you already living with her when you received the inheritance, or did that come after? Sorry to pry, you're just a fascinating person. I'd prefer to have you as a sister, to be honest. I myself have two half-siblings. Ugh. My elder half-brother was always seemingly a weirdo who once made me cry when I was a little kid by taking away some toy, or doll, or whatever, of mine, and later became a NEET until my father stopped giving him any money.
My elder half-sister, meanwhile, had the audacity to compare my personality to his once, which I viewed as an insult. Honestly, I think she was just mocking me for having been so quiet and introverted around her (we have practically nothing in common, and it was a sober occasion (funeral); what should I have talked about?). She seems bitter about my father leaving, but still pesters him for money through the state when it's convenient for her.
My father seems to think of all his children as failures. Fair enough, he is a successful person, and his own father was arguably even more successful back during Soviet times, but with a situation like this, does it not make sense that he should leave all his money with me, and, well, my mother? I should think so. His ex-wife is strange and spiteful anyway. I remember seeing her, as a little kid, and getting goosebumps.
Well, aside from that mess, most branches of the family tend to be very well-to-do and ambitious, actually. Like my cousin's for instance (not the lawyer). He actually invited me to visit him in Berlin a while back, but I told my mother to tell him that I find that city to be most disagreeable to my tastes, which actually is true. Also, I'm lazy. Also, I don't want to travel so far without a companion.>19 is an energetic
Maybe hormonally, lol.>and difficult age to be.
Haha, does it ever get easier, though? >it's been rainy and miserable all day outside…
Summer can't come soon enough. The heat and especially the insects are an annoyance, to be sure, but good weather just improves the mood. >i got a gym membership
Used to go to the gym as well, until I got bored with it. Honestly, if I were to ever resume it in any serious fashion, then I'd probably just set up an exercise room downstairs. Much easier to motivate myself that way. >with mishima and soseki today/tomorrow
I've been reading Lu Xun.>i was devoted to world literature & learning foreign languages
Did you pick up any language during that time? Well, as for me, even though it's obviously a distant dream, I would (still) love to be a politician. A way in which it manifests itself is that I like to practice and improve my own rhetorical skills from time to time, as well as read prose and political treatises. >psychology
That has always fascinated me, and I like to occasionally read up on matters pertaining to it.>biology
I'm a little squeamish about that. Hell, I remember in biology class once, I heard a heart beating really loudly during some video that was on and I grew uncomfortable and I just fainted and collapsed on the floor. >"two classes away from graduating" for about 4 years now, thanks to the brain injury.
Ugh, I can hardly wrap my head around that, as I have no possible point of reference… ;-;>i only have to live my own, and i only have to outdo the person i was yesterday.
I think that's a great way to look at things. >i guess what i'm trying to say is 'don't worry about it too much'.
I'll be 28 soon and I've been neet for about 2 weeks now and I'm already going crazy.
I haven't been neet since I was about 20. I'm spending way too much time in chat rooms and playing video games… one thing though is that I've been working on my fitness by going to the gym and eating healthier. However, with all this free time on my hands, it brings up my past eating disorder thoughts and I am already shifting back into some habits, such as counting calories and undereating. I had an ED for over a decade and thought I was rid of it.
I want to start reading again… it's been well over 10 years but when I was in high school I read constantly. I also want to watch more meaningful films and shows other than the crap that Hollywood puts out now.
I also want a bf but tfw too anxious. I am a waste of face (and space)
It still isn't too late, anon. You need to get out there and talk to a boy, and also girls because RL friends are pretty good to have, as well.
hey friend, fellow neet here.
start reading with accessible classics.
that'll help and check out the streaming service MUBI.
Itll be kind of like jumping into the deep end with a lot of the films but research them and the filmmakers as well as techniques/history and youll be into artsy fartsy films in no time. its also like a social media with public ratings of the films. I'm on there as Kwemo.
as for the bf thing. sorry, cant help you with that one. i cant even help myself
Thank you so much for inspiring me to get off my ass and start fighting all the black mold in my bathroom!! I haven't done 1/10th of what you accomplished yet, but I'm getting there!
spent about 4 hours doing math today. if i keep it up i'll easily be able to work through a chapter of this textbook per week. there are 33 weeks and 5 days left in the calendar year and 29 more chapters… even if i take it easy, i'll be able to finish it before the end of the year. i might even be able to do it faster than that if i stick to a proper schedule and take it seriously as "my job". i'm cautiously optimistic about my future. it's that time of the month, but i'm trying not to let it throw me off too much. "it can't get any more unpleasant than it is right now", heh.>>25015>money
my mom was basically dangling it over me & my siblings' heads for two years, i moved in with my roommate and she finally got off her ass and did the paperwork a few months later. roommate was fine with being the sole provider but it's nice not to have to ask for help. >siblings
ahahah, i like to think i'm the onee-san type.>getting easier
neurologically, adolescence finishes rewiring your brain around age 25, so don't worry if you're inconsistent or if your interests change. becoming a politician sounds cool AF, i wouldn't even know where to start. but practicing speaking aloud is a good step one i think! >language
i'm still semi-fluent in japanese, it's my favorite. i gotta add kanji practice to my daily routine… learning math is more important to me right now though. >>25017
welcome, anon-chan. i'm about a year older than you, it's definitely not too late to have a life. no matter what the reason was for becoming a NEET or how long you've been there, there's always a way out.
what kind of books are you interested in? i spent a few years reading nothing but fanfiction, lol. something fun, like an author you remember liking, or a genre you like, would probably make it easier to start reading again. "take it easy… but take it" as they say
it feels like i've used muscles in my brain that haven't seen action in a long time, lol. i'm going to watch some bad anime and relax for the evening. have a good day/night, NEET-chans
i'm glad to hear it anon!!! having a clean environment makes people feel better psychologically and physically. good job!
>>24851>How many plants do you recommend starting out with as a beginner?
I think it depends how much effort you put into looking after them, but a good guess is get one at first and then if that goes well get the other ones you want too. :) >>24828>plant rescue
heh.. I dont know if the orchid will actually grow flowers again though>i was showering once a week to once every two weeks and not brushing my teeth at all
Yup I was exactly like this. I haven't showered for like 4 days so thats why I was browsing. I probably will after I post this. I've been so much better with brushing my teeth though, even like right now when I'm smelly I've still been doing that.
I've spent the last few days playing games. I should probably try to do something productive but i've been super tired. Feeling kind of depressed because reading isn't coming as naturally to me anymore. I can understand the work I'm reading, but I end up just forgetting what I've read like a couple of hours later and like I take a long time to finish books usually..
>>25038>i like to think i'm the onee-san type.
Sis <3>i moved in with my roommate
Right, so she's like a long-time friend then?>i wouldn't even know where to start.
The disheartening thing about being a public figure is that your successes, as well as your failures, will be broadcasted to the whole world, and can irreparably damage your reputation and subsequent legacy. If I were to ever become one, even ignoring politics for a moment, I'd make sure to absolutely safeguard my integrity and steer clear of drama that didn't serve to directly benefit me or portray me in a positive light. I'd also be paranoid about potential dirt being dug up about me. Honestly, Youtube is something that has long interested me as well, but, in light of the fact that my interests are mainly political and historical in nature, I wouldn't want to become some sort of ideological poster child, as I hate to be ideologically or characteristically constricted and put inside of a box that I am expected to always fit, and stay, inside of. That, and, well, I'm too lazy to set everything up, lol. Aside from that, though, Germany is, from what I've both heard and read, decidedly easier to navigate politically, due to things such as corruption and their overall democratic nature, than, say, a steadfast country like China, which I should say has quite a refined political, economical, and administrative structure under a more merit-testing dog-eat-dog system that is quite unlike that of any other country. I grow happy to see them succeed, and should hope that Germany, and Europe as a whole, continue to grow closer to them. >semi-fluent in japanese
Huh, interesting. Do you post in Japanese online? Did you teach yourself? Practice is obviously necessary, but I think that eventually dropping the textbooks and putting oneself out there is possibly the best way to master, or at least become much more comfortable in, the use of a language. I myself learned English mostly through reading shitposts and other miscellaneous things online throughout the years. However, outside of mostly Skype/voice chats, I barely ever got the opportunity to talk with people in English, so I don't quite sound like a native speaker, and I can occasionally get mentally stuck in a search for words during a cluttered sentence. >kanji practice
What's interesting about Kanji is that I don't need to, for instance, know that 人 means Hito or Nin/Jin in Japanese so long as I understand that it means Ren, and thereby Person, in Mandarin (to name but one example). But of course that's not a replacement.>adolescence finishes rewiring your brain around age 25
Mhmm, I'm quite aware of that. >so don't worry if you're inconsistent or if your interests change.
I was an erratic person who feigned exceeding emotions and was obsessed with attention back when I was between the ages of 13 - 15. I grew more sane and rational with 16 after I stopped talking to this one guy (a whole different story in and of itself) whom I particularly obsessed over for a year before he blocked me from all his outlets (I largely forgot about him after about 2 weeks or so, so no worries), and instead occupied my mind with intellectual endeavors, while later I was, as mentioned in my previous post, pushed to stop associating with any people in a serious fashion altogether, and from 17 - 19 I'd say I haven't changed noticeably as a person, aside from growing more knowledgeable and becoming more calm and collected. I also stopped pestering guys online for attention and other things, and stopped getting into (as many) petty arguments (a habit of mine). I'm a self-centered and ferocious person, so I have to actively push myself to not be as manipulative or morally repulsive, but also to not be as obsessive and coddling (it's a weird dichotomy). But yeah, simply put, I think my basic personality is set in stone, and I'd be surprised if my interests drastically reshape from here on out. If anything, they will probably expand, but not fundamentally change.
I like to occasionally conduct something akin to therapy sessions within the confines of my own mind to further understand my concurrent mental state. Sure, one might say that this is not nearly as valuable or effective as going to an actual therapist (I beg to differ), but as I would, under no circumstances, open myself up to a therapist (i.e. a complete stranger) anyway, as I'm a very secretive and self-conscious person, it is what I am left with.
I should also like to acquire a boyfriend to kiss and have sex with as well as be entertained and maybe a little pampered by. My first kiss was unexpectedly taken by my otherwise unassuming and kind female supervisor during my internship when I was still in school (definitely didn't put that part in the report, lol), and while I wouldn't say I hated it, I'm not about that life. If I had a husband, I would like to travel the world with him before confining myself to retirement in Greece… Or, if he was ambitious, live life in comfort as a housewife, but then urge him to at least buy a summer house in Greece, haha. I don't think I could deal with an introverted and passive boyfriend for too long, because even if he'd be relatable, he wouldn't or couldn't push me out of my comfort zone and entertain me; that's why I'd need a more assertive boyfriend; one who could make decisions on my/our behalf and get things done that I couldn't or didn't want to do. I'd also like for him to, again, be able to entertain and mentally stimulate me, but also to not shy away from calling me out when I'm being genuinely manipulative, and thereby show me that he wouldn't let himself be pushed around.
i think your basic ideas for what you'd want in a life partner are sound - essentially, someone who loves and cherishes you, but also pushes you to better yourself as a person. i feel the same way about relationships; i think a good relationship is one that mutually inspires you to improve yourselves and grow in a positive direction. people can't stop themselves from growing and changing, no matter how much they want to stay put. simply moving forward through time changes us.
even if you've been a NEET for a decade, during that time period you adjust and change to fit the confines of NEEThood. like how plants with a single source of light will bend in the direction of that light; as long as you're alive, you will develop and change. but you can exercise some control over the "direction" you're going. it's never too late to start, or to introduce another source of light. "the best time to plant a tree is ten years ago; the second best time is today" as they say.
i can watch anime without subtitles, lol. my reading ability has faded, and i can recognize more characters by sight than i can remember how to write. one of my childhood friends recently got their dream job in japan, and they've invited me to visit, so i might wind up visiting for christmas/winter comiket. but before that i need to re-learn all the kanji i've forgotten. we do text each other in japanese from time to time, which helps with recall.
my plans for today are to do some light grocery shopping, cook dinner, wash the dishes and cutlery that have piled up in the sink, and finish up the math problem set for chapter one. yesterday i cleaned the carpets and floors, washed all my bedding and changed my sheets and pillowcases, and today the only laundry i have left to do is to take my clothes out of the dryer and fold them. i plan to head to the gym and exhaust myself physically before i start working on the math, though. my brain will benefit from it.
good luck and positive energy to all my fellow NEETs, we're gonna make it! i believe in you!
I'm getting that sinking feeling again and everything feels like a chore. I can't bring myself to do the most simple things as brush my hair or shower, I think im gonna lay in bed and go to sleep or something
If you can't force yourself to do something then at least try getting out of bed and sitting or lying down somewhere outside the bedroom. You don't have to leave home if you can't walk out the door. The living room floor will do. Could be the kitchen counter. Shifting environments does help with relieving some lethargy. Maybe play music or look out the window. Nothing must be accomplished right now. Go at your own pace. It's okay.
How often do you feel like this?
is there anything that would make you feel a tiny bit better? like watching some cute animal videos, or an anime you like… i would bring you apple slices and tea in bed if i could, anon. at the very least, i hope you have the energy to put a glass of fresh water by your bedside and eat something today. it's okay to have an awful day and stay in bed. get plenty of rest. you can try again tomorrow.
Just fuck off, David; your writing style is recognizable from a mile away. >>25094>but also pushes you to better yourself as a person.
Huh? You somewhat misunderstood the insinuation here. I do not need anyone to motivate me; even if one tried and I explicitly wanted to yield, their input would in all likelihood still fall upon deaf ears and not change what I fundamentally wish to accomplish, or perhaps more fittingly, do emphatically not wish to toil for; I can, in essence, only help myself. Praise and criticism also does not affect me. An assertive and overall more extroverted boyfriend is simply more entertaining and fun to be around than someone whom I could just push around or whom wouldn't be able to engage with me in a meaningful mental and physical capacity. I want to be the emotional, intellectual, and sexual centerpiece of a (real) man, but aside from hedonistic pleasure and doting love, I also wish to continually be challenged and called out for in my bullshit shenanigans and personal failings and weaknesses. That is how I will be pushed out of my comfort zone, and that is how I will, or at least might, ultimately grow as a person on my own terms. >mutually inspires
I would always lend a shoulder to cry and rest upon if my (hypothetical) man is genuinely having a rough time. I love emotionality and tenderness (in fact, complete stoic coldness is a major turn-off), but I have no need for a man who will constantly bemoan the various affairs of the world that are challenging and hurting him without at least attempting to improve himself. Not to mention things such as temper tantrums; if a man stooped to such a level, I should dump him immediately. Even a heavily introverted, docile boyfriend would be much more preferable to this. At least they could hopefully keep quiet and just enjoy the moment when you're alone in a room with them, and wouldn't instigate drama.
But honestly, what is most important to me is that a man be able to guide me through life and make me feel perpetually safe, secure, protected, and loved. >you will develop and change
Possibly, but in my current denigrated state, I am, for better or worse, quite comfortable with who I am, and I only grow disgruntled if there is some sort of unseemly imbalance threatening or actively harming the established and carefully-maintained equilibrium that is I… Fuck PMS and periods, is what I'm saying. >>25096>The living room floor will do.
hmm, innocent until proven guilty i suppose. you did an excellent job cleaning, and bonus kudos for getting up before noon. still haven't fixed my sleep schedule. i hope the programming challenge goes well.
ahh, i think i get it!
in my case, "pushes you to become a better person" simply means that being with them makes you want to try harder and achieve more, just because they're with you. they don't really have to try to motivate you, but hearing them say "good job!" or making them proud to be your partner is motivating enough all by itself. you slack off less because you don't want to disappoint them, and you try harder because you want to impress them. and they want to be the best possible version of themselves, too, because they feel the same way. just because they're yours, you feel like you can easily take on the world. when you feel like giving up, knowing you can count on them gives you the strength to keep going, and achieving something great is extra rewarding because you know they'll celebrate your success with you. that's what i think a good relationship is like.
mentally, i was contrasting my ideals with the typical robot from r9k whose sole goal is to have a girlfriend and, if he somehow gets one, does nothing to keep her and feels zero drive to become a better person for her sake. it doesn't matter how hard she tries, he just accepts it as his due without thinking of reciprocating the effort. to me, that's a typical "bad relationship".
your post reminded me of the relationships in "oblomov" by goncharov. it's a bit of a spoiler, but the initial female love interest leaves oblomov for a much better man, whom i can easily picture being your ideal man.
it might be fun to read it with that in mind?
i made a nice dinner last night and was too tired to do the washing-up, so i thought i'd just have to get it done before breakfast. however, when i woke up today i discovered that my roommate already washed everything that was in the sink and put it on the drying racks before leaving for work. i'm basking in the glow of human kindness, lol. it's funny how a little thing like that can brighten up your whole day.
Maintaining a clean space has been a struggle, but the place looks a lot better than last month. The daily cooking streak broke today. I'm heading out in a bit for cheap food because I forgot to defrost the fish. On the brighter side I managed to take the next step in resolving a personal issue. All that's left is to wait.
Each step forward seems pathetic when looking at the trail of footprints my peers have left behind. I don't even know where I am anymore. What I do know is that I'm happier than the person who existed inside of me last year, or at least stabler. That's good enough. I'm still a mess who can't sleep before midnight or sit down with that Chekhov collection left unfinished for two years. I'm also less of a mess who replied to messages and did the laundry.
good job! i haven't maintained a cooking streak longer than 3 days yet, but i usually cook enough for 6-8 servings and put stuff in tupperware in the fridge, so i don't wind up eating out that often. today is an exception, though. roommate and i are going to have pizza. >each step forward
is a step forward. it's not pathetic at all. it's hard work and i am proud of you for it. i am sure you wouldn't call anyone else pathetic for doing their best to improve, and you wouldn't get mad at them for not suddenly becoming a big "success story" overnight. so don't look down on yourself, anon-chan.
>>25106>it might be fun to read it with that in mind?
Well, I read it; and what a profoundly depressing read it was indeed. I cried my eyes out, but I think I've mostly calmed down by now… Yeah, I can see why you wanted me to read it; but now you owe me a hug! ;-;>being with them makes you want to try harder and achieve more, just because they're with you
Yes, exactly! Sharp as always. >sole goal is to have a girlfriend and, if he somehow gets one, does nothing to keep her
Yes, it is a problematic psychological aspect that is persistently present primarily in desperate men possessing of severe entitlement. Like, even if such a guy got lucky, does he think his girlfriend is just gonna stay with him indefinitely despite the fact that everyone can see that he's not even trying to improve himself? Is it simply the thought of receiving emotional support and being granted continuous easy access to sex that makes it a top priority, when there are clearly more pressing issues to be addressed (finances, hygiene, mental health, physical health, etc.)? I shudder when I see people on here or elsewhere talk about being in relationships with people like that, or at least reading about the aftermath. The single-handedly worst thing, though, is a lack of respect and appreciation for your partner. I do not even understand how this comes about. Like, just how? Especially when it comes to the matter of sex; should the bond between two people not only grow stronger? Were the feelings even there in the first place, or did they just disappear when one got what they wanted? I'm a horny person, but even with matters pertaining to sex, I don't think I'd be willing to give up my virginity that easily to a guy whom I'd assume would go on to view me as just a brief chapter in his extensive line of ''sexual conquests''. I want my first time to be special, and beforehand I would need to establish an elaborate trust with that person, and especially during sex, I'd need to just be treated gently. That he'd just continually kiss me, fondle my breasts, stroke my hair, cup my cheek, and just grab and hold onto my wrists. Move down to my neck, up my arm, and just kiss my hand while looking into my eyes. Just tell me I'm the most beautiful person and the best thing that has ever happened to your life. I'd blush while he'd move in for another round of kissing. I'd playfully tilt my head while giggling, but he would straighten it back and just kiss me; not even letting me breathe; I'd stroke his cock and he'd slighly moan while french kissing me. He'd start inserting it in and I'd, just, fuuuuck…
A-anyway, I knew this one guy, right; his personality had a warmth and subtle charm to it, and he had a habit of being nice to seemingly everyone he spoke to, and always responded to whatever you wrote. I loved that. I still do; I love those kinds of people. They are not critical and snarky, and although it may be forced at times, they are still constantly nice to you and you just want to talk to them. And they give you earnest attention; how awesome is that? Anyway, I asserted myself and just started talking to him and draining him of that juice; that interpersonal back-and-forth. This seriously started to take off around December 2014/January 2015 or so (I have a very bad memory), and my principle desire was to establish a monopoly on his time and attention, and so I grew quite close to him emotionally and we eventually started indulging in things such as sexting, and I got off to it; and it was generally nice and even romantic; with a lot of emotional reassurance and sweet talk in between.
Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, he gradually started to establish a bit of a distance and was much more inconsequential with me and treated me more like a friend or little sister. He was still nice and gave me attention, and I believe we talked just as often, but it felt like a crucial element was missing. He once even had the guts to speak to me openly about a girl he found attractive, and I otherwise just hated seeing him extend his kind personality onto others. One night, I cut myself and sent him images in an attempt to solicit a response from him; it worked, and he love-bombed me, and it felt so nice, but it only lasted for so long. There were other miscellaneous misdeeds that I most certainly should not share (at least openly), but suffice it to say that I overall grew quite despondent. One day, sometime around January 2016, I had a fight with him after talking about things such as suicide and edgy nihilistic philosophical viewpoints, and he was righteously fed up with me and blocked me from all his outlets. I was just tired/sad as well, so I didn't even retaliate; and I am overall fairly glad that he removed me from his life, because otherwise who knows how much more time I would've wasted on him and not moved on?
Yeah, I was a fucking moron; no need to point that out; but I, as mentioned two posts ago, mostly forgot about his existence after about 2 weeks (which still surprises even myself), so there is no emotional baggage attached to what I've been saying. >>25129>Each step forward seems pathetic when looking at the trail of footprints my peers have left behind.
As a NEET who spends 99,99% of her time indoors, I'm still a little petrified at the possibility of potentially meeting people from my past for that very reason. Yeah, I could brush it off, just like how my anti-social nature allows me to brush off most things, but it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I don't want to hear the inevitable "so, what do you do?" or "so, what have you been up to lately?" questions. I don't even know how many people know I'm a NEET. Certainly some family members do, because word spreads around after a while, and boy, do people from my family love to gossip. I don't think anyone from my former school years know, though, so that might be good. I did move away last year, but not very far, so that, on the off-chance that I might still meet someone, it would also enable me to more easily lie and get away with it. My parents really do want me to return to school, though…
Ugh, I now remember having had a ''friend'' in school once. It was mostly terrible while it lasted for the numerous years, but while she was a bitch, she was also great at banter, and so we mostly just meshed personality-wise (at least when I put up my extroversion), and she was also popular, which helped move my status up, but then we eventually went to different schools…
Later, I latched onto this other person in school after the aforementioned guy essentially dumped me; she also, incidentally, ended up abandoning me after roughly one year, along with subsequently pretty much everyone else in my class.
Bleh… How boring.
if your a NEET make it a goal to wash your bedsheets every 10 days
that is all
just one hug? you can have a dozen, i did make you cry (in a roundabout way). i didn't anticipate how deeply it would resonate with you. i'm sorry.
it sounds to me like the largest source of suffering for you has been loneliness. without having any other strong and meaningful human relationships, romantic ties become the only anchor that connects you to the rest of humanity. in a situation like that, when you stand to lose not just a partner but your whole connection to the world of other people - to the "self" who only exists in connection to others - anyone would go crazy. anyone would fight like hell to keep that bond, and keep that fledgling self alive. i won't tell you that your actions were praiseworthy, but i won't blame you for them, either. you were the one hurt the most by what happened.
the worst injuries to cope with, at least in my experience, are injuries to one's own dignity as a person - pride, i guess you could call it, but i don't mean it in a negative sense. to realize that what you thought of as an important sacrifice in the name of intimacy was purchased much too cheaply. that kind of humiliation is a very bitter drink.
it may have been wrong to react the way you did, but it was wrong of him to accept the intimacy you offered in the first place, because he was incapable of returning it. someone like that - someone who's "kind to everyone" - winds up being cruel to others because what they offer is something shallow and meaningless. the "mortifying ordeal of being known" isn't mortifying for them because there's nothing beneath the surface. they enjoy gaining other people's confidence because they have nothing at stake to lose. they won't ever say "you shouldn't be relying on me for this", or "i don't deserve the trust you're showing me", because they pride themselves on accepting everyone and everything, but they're quick to discard people whose attachment to them has become inconvenient. if and when they do fall in love with someone, like oblomov, they have nothing left over or kept back to offer that person. they've already given everything away, without caring about whether the recipient really earned it or deserved it.
i think you're quite right to choose to forget him completely. it just sucks that you had to go through something humiliating and painful in order to figure that out.
>>25158>just one hug? you can have a dozen
I love you. Hugs. Your kind words really do always cheer me up… I hope you're doing well yourself?>romantic ties become the only anchor that connects you to the rest of humanity.
Yes, well, I would always view the pursuit of a romantic relationship to be of much greater importance than the acquiring and maintaining of an extensive social circle of friends. I want to, ideally, get married before I turn 25. I'd travel and enjoy myself, and then I might want to have children… >it just sucks that you had to go through something humiliating and painful in order to figure that out.
Yeah, and when it came to that other girl that I became close to, after him that is, I'm not exactly sure where the cut-off point was. I probably don't have the full picture myself, but while things were great for many months, and I always loved talking to her throughout the entire school day, and especially spending my lunch breaks with her, I was still a bit of a, I guess, boring person…? At least I think that must've been it. She hung out with me, but there were other, more popular/social people whom she eventually started associating with, as I likely failed to fill in a particular type of social gap/need for her. I did actually end up hanging out around her friends, but here's the thing: I'm really uncomfortable speaking and especially expressing myself to groups of people. I feel like I'm good at interpreting and appropriately handling the emotions and feelings of one person at a time, but with a group of people, especially if I'm not at least somewhat close to all of them, it becomes so much more difficult to handle things, and I ultimately retreat into the background and become forgettable.
I also ended up apparently embarrassing her in front of a different group of friends once, as I was drunk. I did that during lunch breaks; get drunk and then just stumble about for the remainder of the day (I eventually stopped once my father noticed it and yelled and slapped me for it). I barely even remember what I said, but it must have caused her to grow displeased with me. I asked her if everything was fine, and she nonchalantly responded something to the effect of "yeah, sure", and I didn't exactly know how to further crack the shell, and as far as I remember (again, really shitty memory), it never really got any better. On a field trip I ended up getting isolated and repeatedly humiliated by her friends and after that I didn't even try to get close to her anymore.
Also, going back to memories, is it weird that I have a cloudy memory of my childhood? Anything before 14/15 is really hazy, especially when it comes to establishing a cohesive chronology. I only have some stronger memories of particularly special moments of my life, whereas the rest might be random snippets, and I usually only remember them by recalling how I felt in the present environment, along with the environment itself; and quite a few of them are, strangely, or perhaps cruelly, also fake. Yes; just made up. On the rare occasion I ask my mother about a particular memory, she might inquire on whence I concocted such a fabrication; they simply never occured. I don't know if it's a completely fake memory either, but one of them takes place on the first day of kindergarten and it always stuck around for some reason: I'm curled up and everyone is surrounding me and I'm shaking and sobbing uncontrollably before I black out…
I actually cried all the time as a kid, and I was painfully shy. I had to extensively go and see psychologists for it or because of it. It only seriously started getting better around, I wanna say, 5th grade onward?
On a brighter note, one of my best memories was spending time with my cousin. That one is surprisingly vivid and definitely real, but while I don't even remember how old I was at the time (likely either 11, 12, or 13), it was so much fun spending time with her. I'm not sure if the feeling was mutual, and I also don't know if she even remembers me, yet I kind of want to meet her again (while, simultaneously, also not wanting to meet her in fear that we would not get along anymore), but probably only once my own life has become in order (which, being honest with myself, it may never). >>25150>What are you interested in studying
It doesn't matter. In my present state I am fairly certain that I am completely barred from attending any university or form of higher education in my country; I can't study anything unless I go back and do some more years of schooling.
It's really nice outside and the morning air is fresh. I think I'm gonna put on my jacket and just recline on the couch at the balcony; all the while trying not to fall asleep to the peaceful sound of birds chirping, haha.
Sorry to just ask a bunch of you guys at random, but are there any tips you have on reading more? I'm home from college for the summer, and while I was at school I kept a pretty good schedule for reading both school and recreational texts. When I'm at home though, I just can't find the motivation to continue, mostly because of my computer and work and all the other distractions around. It's starting to have an adverse effect on my self esteem, since every time someone around me talks about something 'smart' I instantly remember my responsibilities and how I've completely ignored them.
i'm doing… okay, i guess? i feel like i've been in a fog all week, or dislocated from reality - like i'm barely "here." i've managed to go to the gym, which is good. everything seems meaningless and absurd, and i don't know why i'm doing anything, but i'm still trying to do things regardless.
i watched a lot of anime and didn't get any reading or math done. i did some cooking. i think today i'll bring my books and pencils to the closest park and study math on the picnic benches - they're under an awning, so i'll be fine even though it's rainy. being indoors all the time is a bit stifling. maybe this is "cabin fever"… or maybe i overdid it on the math and burned out a little. ultimately i want to improve myself. it's okay if i can't see or imagine the final destination, as long as i keep moving forward. >>25200
that's a tough one, since i'm currently struggling to motivate myself. is there any fanfiction you'd like to read, or books/light novels you could read solely for pleasure? reading nothing but serious/dry texts can suck all the joy out of it. i would try and alternate between books you want to read just for fun (BL is fine, or pulp scifi/fantasy, or whatever you happen to really like) and books you read for "merit". something like joining or starting a summer reading challenge with your local library might also help by providing some external motivation.
I don't think I'm reading anything super heavy right now; I'm almost done with one of the books I'm reading and a good ways into the other. They're both fiction and I'm enjoying them a lot, I just can't bring myself around to sit down with them unless I force myself to. I've noticed something similar with shows and film too- I'd be halfway through a series or plan to watch something later and just never get around to it. I just don't understand, I want to ingest something but I just won't.
that's called "anhedonia", anon-chan. it's a common symptom of depression… i'm on medication for that myself. but medication doesn't fix the inability to enjoy things. so i don't have any good answers to your question, i just have a collection of coping mechanisms for dealing with it.
>imagine a super energetic/super dramatic game commentator voice narrating your life as you go about your daily activities
a high pitched and irritating genki character type voice, or a narrator like the one from the tonegawa-san anime (or kaiji anime, for something OG and less over the top), or that "action movie trailer" guy is the ideal here. for example: >what's this?!?!?! math anon just realized she LEFT THE JAM ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER?!?!?! what will our bold protagonist do next?!!!!! …. she's thinking about it…. she's thinking about it…!!!! OHHHHHH! she stood up! can it be ?! she's headed to the kitchen - YEAAAAAAAHHH she put the lid back on! now all she has to do is put it back in the fridge …! almost there…. almost there….!!! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
^ like that. it's stupid and embarrassing, but it works.
>moderate regular exercise
don't exercise thinking about losing weight, or about becoming healthier, just do something that works up a sweat. it's the baseline treatment for mood disorders for a reason. i can easily become so apathetic that i stop enjoying eating food, but exercise makes it appetizing again. it can make activities like reading and stuff "appetizing" too.
>herbal remedies, vitamins and so on
vitamin D, b complex, etc. chammomile, elderflower, bergamot and mint teas… i tried kratom based on the advice of some friends who are also depressed. the effects last for about six hours and the withdrawal from it is less unpleasant than caffeine withdrawal. a low dose of a couple of grams boosts my mood and makes me feel less apathetic, higher doses have a sedative/drowsy-making effect, and if you try to take too much at once you puke, so it's difficult to get into trouble with this one. just don't combine it with alcohol.
>making sure you bathe regularly/take care of your body
a hot shower can completely reset my mood. i forget all the details about how it affects cortisol and heart rate and so on, but it's good for you to do things that physically feel good. masturbation might help or it might not, depending on your libido. mine is really low and it takes too much effort to go through with it, so i just end up more tired and listless than i was before i started, but i think its normal to do it to reduce stress and improve mood.
>>25206>i feel like i've been in a fog all week, or dislocated from reality
I'm sorry to hear that… I'm not quite sure if I can personally relate. For me it's actually when I go through a transitory experience of extreme vividness and clear thought that my baseline mental state becomes shaken up and I experience either bliss (rarely) or painful, agonizing sadness/loneliness (more frequent). Rarely do I experience suicidal thoughts, though; except for yesterday. I was awake for close to 30 hours and in the middle of it just started crying and screaming and wanted to kill myself, but I ended up throwing the knife away from my person (the few benefits of being a coward?) and just went out to sit on the balcony while listening to the crickets for a bit. I'm really scared of the repercussions of failing anyway, and I do somewhat, in a selfish fashion, worry about my legacy if I were to die in such a sordid way. I also can't simply cut myself, because I would likely faint or, since both of my parents will be home for a while now, I'm not sure if I could hide the wounds. It should be very detrimental to me if my parents think I'm a complete mental case instead of simply being incredibly lazy.
I should start smoking, since I don't get addicted to anything and could immediately drop it, but my parents have always told me that they will kill me if they ever catch me in the act. I exhausted my physical and mental fortitude and therefore slept for 12 hours today and I feel quite a bit better now.
I guess I feel a little ambivalent towards my parents, as well.
My mother used to beat me as a little kid when she became particularly frustrated with me, as I was, again, a seriously introverted child and frustrating to deal with, so that I'd have to hide my bruises; now she at least doesn't get physical with me anymore.
My mother likes to occasionally remind me that she loves me the "most out of anyone in the world", that there will be no one who'll love me "as much" as her, that I'll "cry everyday" once she dies, and that she hasn't hung herself years ago because of me; all the while questioning why God punished her with such a "stupid and worthless daughter". I wouldn't particularly care if she died, if it weren't for the fact that I'd have to then mostly care for the household on my own, and that I am afraid my father should abandon me or kick me out of the house as soon as she did die. She is an extroverted and at times borderline-erratic person, yet I actually wish she would speak to me about her feelings and emotions (she has a million friends for that), because then I could further manipulate her into believing that I truly love her, because she is the main key to enabling my NEET lifestyle, as she keeps my father from going off on me (although that may partially be an exaggeration she uses as leverage against me). She does verbally abuse me for every little mistake I make, though, so I have to walk on eggshells around her. Be it my gait and posture to how I prepare my meals; everything is up for scrutinization.
I like to occasionally call her when she's out and about to inquire on how she is doing and how her day went so far, in order to make her think I care about her. When she comes home, I am required to do the same thing; otherwise she might yell at me and tell me how ungrateful I am and how no one appreciates her. When she gets particularly angry I feign embarrassment and tell her how her life is so much more difficult than mine, and how she has every right to be mad at someone as useless as me, in order to at least somewhat appease her so that I can be left alone.
I like being awake throughout the day so long as the sun is out and the weather in general is nice, but because of her, I tend to also often spend my time lurking about in the dead of night and sleeping during the day instead; at least when she's not at home making noise; then it becomes a pain. Thankfully the house is fairly big, and I have earplugs.
As for my father, I naturally try to keep my distance to him; certainly emotionally. He, being very goal-oriented person, naturally possesses a coldness and distance to him, so I never felt as though I particularly bonded with him.
I hope my walls of text do not cause you much annoyance? I just like writing my thoughts out in a somewhat thorough manner; or maybe I'm just bad at expressing myself more succinctly.>i watched a lot of anime
It's not my favored medium of artistic expression (or maybe it's rather just that I find most shows to amount to nothing but shallow entertainment; fundamentally devoid or lacking in innovation/underlying meaning), so I don't watch it often. I have, however, started getting into the Monogatari series… I remember watching Kizu years ago because it looked so aesthetically pleasing, and I ended up staying for the story. I finished Bake recently. Now I'm watching Nise. >>25239>almost there…. almost there….!!! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
Huh, that is interesting. I should hope you can turn it off, though, lol? I had assumed your thinking process and pattern would constantly be tranquil and sober like mine (which was an arrogant supposition of me to make, in retrospect).
Actually, now I'm wondering: do you, like me, also speak to yourself? Not internally, of course, because everyone does that perpetually (at least I do), but out loud? I'm not sure if it helps calm me down, but it does help me in collecting and organizing my own thoughts. Tugging against/on my hair, meanwhile, does calm me down (because it triggers the release of dopamine, I believe), although it can eventually leave ugly, broken strands of hair, so I try to avoid it or do it sparingly. All too often I don't even notice I'm doing it, though.
oh god… i'm going to hell. no, but, please be aware that the fanservice in nisemonogatari isn't just "repulsive", i can safely say i've never watched an anime that disgusted me more than nise. one of my friends is the princess type and she enjoyed bake very much but nise made her ragequit the series. i cannot advise anyone under the age of 21 to watch nise. it's legendary for a certain scene that occurs halfway through the season.>annoying?
not at all, it's nice to hear from you when you drop in.>talking to oneself
my mind is usually as quiet as a still pond. it takes deliberate effort for me to have an internal monologue. i do tend to talk to myself under my breath when i'm engaged in a task like cooking or tidying up, though. and i tend to … make my own sound effects. like "pchoo!" when i'm tossing something into the garbage, and so on. i don't really notice myself doing it, but it happens.>>25240>MASAKA…!
today i hung out with my roommate and mended a tear in my favorite hoodie with a little sewing. i did nothing interesting all day, so my boredom has become intense enough to provoke me into doing something that requires effort. i guess that's another technique - using forced boredom as a tool against my own laziness. i'm going to bed early so i can take advantage of the built-up desire to accomplish something tomorrow. i hope everyone has a good day
Bake and Kizu are the only parts of Monogatari worth watching. The series is much longer than it needs to be.
yeahhh… it's powerpoint slideshow: the anime, lol. i enjoyed owari a lot, and monogatari s2 was worth it just for the kaiki arc (i'm a sucker for realistic villains).
rainy again. normally i don't get anything done on sundays, but today i woke up at 7AM, lazed around until 9, and then i started sewing. i patched up my house shoes, my beanie, a pair of pajama pants, and now i just need to fix the ankle cuffs on my sweatpants and i'll be done mending. most of my clothes are secondhand or extremely cheap, so… it's been a long time since i made my own clothes, though. i kind of want to make a black sundress for the summer. i already have a spool of black ribbon that i can use to finish the hems.
tomorrow i'll attack the math again. this evening i plan on reading 'doctor zhivago' and having a glass of scotch while my roommate is bustling around installing a new hard drive. i hope everyone had/has a decent sunday.
>dead baby bird
it was probably in shock, i think. rabbits who successfully run across the road sometimes collapse and die once they get there, out of heart failure. it's always sad. although it would have died anyway, at least you did your best to make the poor thing comfortable. i don't think your kindness was wasted on it. rather, it is in your nature to be kind, and you were true to your own heart in expressing it.
you mentioned most of my favorite scenes, haha. one of the most emotional ones for me was when araragi goes to hanekawa's house and realizes with horror that she doesn't have a room/it's too much for him to bear.
>not loving hanekawa in a romantic way
she was his first friend, and he idolizes her, but he's also scared of her. the bit where she makes him promise not to tell anyone her father hit her/the start of the sawari neko arc effectively stops his crush on her from developing into love. she insists on sacrificing herself, and it scares him and also disgusts him, to a degree. araragi hates injustice, but during that arc he realizes hanekawa is willing to swallow it without rejecting it, even makes excuses for it. she has the strength to endure the unendurable, but simply enduring it can be the wrong decision. there are things you shouldn't endure, things it's right to fight against. hanekawa attacks him, but only when the cat takes over her body - basically, araragi only finds out he's hurt her because a supernatural creature uses it as fuel to manifest itself. he's willing to die for her, but unable to argue with her decisions.
senjyogahara also attacks araragi a few times, but she does so as herself. she accepts her own anger and pain, and actively works to get them back from the crab apparition. she doesn't make any excuses for evil, or for herself. as she says to kaiki, she's "not an ally of justice, simply an enemy of evil." that line is one of my favorites. she accepts that she's a flawed person, but doesn't fall into the trap of thinking she has to be faultless herself in order to object to evil, and can't be argued into doubting her own judgement. when araragi upsets her, she may be extremely sarcastic or exaggerated in the way she expresses it, but she communicates it. she idolizes hanekawa about as much as araragi does, but unlike him she's willing to criticize her to her face and stick to her guns. in that sense she's a better friend to hanekawa than araragi is.
>walking on toes
i think that that's actually supposed to be good for your leg muscles - toe raises, in which you stand up straight and go up and down on your toes without letting your heels touch the floor, are one of the exercise drills i remember doing in PE.
one of my legs is slightly longer than the other, so my lower back has always been more curved than it's supposed to be. having strong core muscles and good posture has basically fixed the issue.
good work! even though it's repetitive, it's still good that you managed to get it done.
i'll make another post with my discord info later today, if you like? i don't use it very much, but i'd be happy to add you.
>anything i can't do
stick to a sleeping schedule, apparently. lol. i'm about to head to the gym, though. hopefully regular exercise will lead to more regular sleeping patterns.
i finished doctor zhivago, and i'm idly reading some of tolstoy's short works. currently 'the cossacks'.
I am 50 pages into Brothers Karamavoz now. It's been a while since I have read a book like it. I would appreciate ideas to think about as I read the text.
E.g. "How would the work be perceived in its own time period? What modes of awareness predominate: rational, instinctual, intuitive, etc? What does the work suggest about conduct & the heroic ideal?"
When I read the passage introducing Alexei (Alyosha?), I got the feels hard. I used to be like that myself. Until 13 or 14, I was someone who loved everyone, and loved to love, and be loved. I felt it deep in my soul. While my purity didn't make it through adolescence intact; when I look at old photos, I remember the person I was. In many ways, I still very much love humanity, despite how much #$!&^*$ behavior I have witnessed, suffered, and occasionally committed. I would like to regain that spirituality, but I am not sure how.
I have tried NoFap with mixed success, but it hasn't been enough. I think it will require persistent charitable sacrifice. Volunteering with a domestic abuse shelter, with a kid's program, and with a hospice program for the terminally ill.
I want to put 1-2 months into each program over the course of the next year. The vulnerable, the innocent, and the mortal : the breadth of human frailty. When I start, I'll post about my experiences.
oh, that's one of my favorite books. if i had to come up with discussion questions for it… hmm.>what does it mean to be 'good'? is it even possible?>how do internal and external narratives shape human identity?>does love alleviate suffering? does love create suffering?
i hope you enjoy reading it.
i showered, i'm doing laundry right now, and in an hour or two i'm going to head to the grocery store. the dryer is acting up again. i might try replacing the fuse if it keeps on having problems, i already ordered and received the part. not sure what i want to cook for dinner, though. i think i'll browse for simple recipes on pinterest.
i am jitterati#4577
Late replies following a week of regression. Not pretty.>>25138
Thanks. It's the part of me that's hyperaware of my NEET-dom timer. One day I'll need to find a job and pay taxes. That moment could come anytime, sure, but opportunities and savings dwindle with idle time. If ignored for too long society could consider me useless and deny advancements beyond minimum wage. My mental age could never progress past its current state, and then my friends would grow out of me because of it. I hate a lot of parts about living but also like some bits of it. Alaska, fishing and khachapuri sound amazing. If I exist, why exist in pain? All of the above are unachievable without popping this bubble. I'm trying. Maintaining positivity when I've been feeding myself cynicism is just difficult. I wish I could give myself the same patience and kindness offered in this post to myself without doubting the validity of my statements.>>25140
Yeah. It's embarrassing when it happens, though I run into more strangers than old faces. I've stopped caring too much and am honest but brief when the subject gets brought up. Ultimately my character and treatment of their own characters influence their attitude. Social etiquette encourages people not to dig in too deep anyway. Are you more ashamed of your situation, or are worried more about the gossip and backlash?
I'm lucky to have good friends who still believe in me. I'd be in deeper waters without them. If those were the strongest relationships you've had, then I hope you'll find kind people whom you jive with someday. What's boring about the above?
i've heard that putting up pictures of your goals where you'll see them every day can help for things like losing weight, maybe you could try making a collage of things you love about alaska and fishing and katchapuri and putting it up? if nothing else, it would be nice to have a physical reminder to look at when you feel bad about yourself and start getting negative. that's something i should probably try, myself. "whatever works".
i've gotten pretty good at interrupting my own negative self-talk. one thing that helps is pretending the inner critic is a dumbass youtube commenter or otherwise obnoxious idiot. after all, it's your brain making things up to hurt itself out of habit. anything that breaks the pattern or changes the habit will help erode the power it has.
sometimes the worst side of you wins, it happens to everyone. i'm sorry you had an awful week. mine was pretty low, too. but i think the most important thing is to keep getting up again. life will surely knock everyone down at some point in their lives. so i think that to be a person who knows how to get up again is much better than to be someone who has never fallen.
a 'master' is someone who has tried and failed at something countless more times than a novice has ever tried. sometimes i give in to self-pity and groan about my own suffering like no one in the world has ever suffered more. however, if i could magically erase every bad thing that's ever happened to me, i don't think i would do it. i wouldn't be "me" anymore. i would be blinded by my lack of experience. who i am, as a person, would rest on much weaker foundations. so in that sense i am grateful for my misfortunes. and when someone is struggling to get up, i can offer them my hand.
all i managed to accomplish was reading a couple of books and doing some laundry. this week, like last week, i am going to try to get through chapter two of the math.
i haven't started the math, but i started and finished reading a few books. i only have nine more 'unread' out of my stack of 43. none of them are particularly long. perhaps if i finish them all this week, and have nothing but the math textbooks to amuse myself with intellectually… and forbid myself from ordering any more online, except as a reward for finishing a section of the textbook… maybe i'll be able to use my own boredom as a tool against my laziness.
i wound up pulling an all-nighter. i really ought to shower and wash my hair, it's starting to feel heavy on my head. i have tried three separate times now to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it appears that this rural backwater has only hopelessly incompetent secretaries at the clinics i've tried. if i have to, i'll simply go to the ER again to get my medication refilled, but i have to admit i am annoyed. fortunately i can afford it. if the hospital itself cannot provide me with a doctor i suppose there's always the darknet.
apart from history anon a few other people have sent me friend requests on discord but i am extremely shy, and find it very difficult to speak to people i don't already 'know' to some degree. my apologies.
Keep in mind some of them will be guys.
Also online relationships don't really "work". Even if they're girls, it's never going to satisfy the closeness of a true friend. You'll have to converse with the bumpkins.
i don't think that's true, based on my own experience. i've become "real life" friends with internet friends before. depends on the person.>>25654
fear not, gentle citizeness…
to be obnoxiously american about it: this ain't my first rodeo
Well, here I am again.
All the people who I have been talking to recently have been younger then me.
A 16 year old girl studying for SAT.
A freshman in engineering from MIT who has an internship with a federal research program nearby.
It takes me back to a time that lives only in photos and memories. Bittersweet wistfulness. Achievement, hope, pride, then shame, loss of standing, dejection, solitude, regret.
But dwelling doesn’t get us anywhere.
hi!! i'm actually kinda glad i found this thread ;w; i don't meet many NEETs usually so this was a heartwarming find! (before you ask how i hadn't seen it before,, i'm a cc newbie ^^)
>how your day has been
it's been okay! the past few months i've been majorily depressed, having only short lived moments of happiness.. but i can get through it!~
today i'm feeling okay, in the middle, sometimes my mood gets unsettled (maybe chemical imbalance? unsure..) but good compared to most ^^
>woes of being a neet/hikki
i have no schedule and nobody to play games with or go out with ;; i'm working on making friends who are local though, because i enjoy going out once in a blue moon, even if socialisation tires me swiftly '^'
>things you've achieved lately
met a girl who lives 30m away from me and we relate more than i'd expected! might be able to go out on my own for once :3
i've also been able to shower semi-regularly and do things despite feeling unmotivated and empty often,, we're making steps now!1
>fears and goals
i fear that i'll end up losing all friends because i struggle to talk to people consistently, but i'm trying my hardest with the people i appreciate >"
i also fear that my mental health will crowd over and prevent me from being able to do anything for the rest of my life, i want to have a job and live on my own and have friends to talk to and meet up with, not to be stuck in my room all day every day feeling miserable for what could've been 'n'
my goals are to keep working on my mental health and physical health and get my life back on track!! i have no long term goals though.. but that's okay! live in the moment~~
P.S. what is a miner? i don't know cc slang yet, could someone educate me please? have a good day anons (^^)/(read rule 3)
emotionally binged on sugar again caus i hate myself and im sad
i havent responded to ppl who wanted to e fried me for a while caus im an aspie how do i deal with this since i still want em in my life
To the people responding to the neet whose mom died - Realize she's using that to emotionally manipulate you. As someone who saw what she said the night it happened, she was on discord posting about it and said almost verbatim she was only upset because there were EMTs/paramedics in her house and people I'm her house bug her. Also, her mom died of an overdose and yet she continues to still do drugs. Constantly.
there's really no need for you to go out of your way to act cute… if you're depressed, no one here is waiting for you to smile and reassure them you're fine. do you talk the way you do because you don't know how else to talk? even if your feelings are contradictory, just be sincere about them. you don't have to perform a character or try hard to be liked. that's not what the thread is for. nice to meet you, though. >>25841
i understand the feeling.
today i'm just dull and tired.
I made some phone calls today to finally start sorting out insurance issues that have been escalating for years now so that I can get treatment for an injury that is causing me constant anxiety, I feel proud.
I've also had a pretty active social life lately thanks to making one (1) local friend who has sort of adopted me and is trying to socialize me. We take long walks together and she took me to a free music show.
i got up, took my meds, showered, put on clean clothes, and now i'm preparing to go out to eat and then do some grocery shopping. since mid-march i have managed to read 42 books and got through a single chapter in my math textbook… now that i'm out of fresh books, i'll have nothing to do all day except math and housekeeping activities. the only anime i'm keeping up with this season are bocchi and sarazanmai.
i'm going to try going to the gym again tonight, as well. one of my friends gave birth to a healthy son yesterday and it's difficult to pin down how i feel. i've never wanted kids, and age hasn't changed my mind. but her happiness is my happiness. i'm glad she made it through labor safely and the baby is legitimately cute.
it looks like i'll have to visit the ER again tomorrow for my medication, but i can afford it. it just pisses me off that absolutely no one from three different clinics has called me back or responded to my attempts to set up an appointment. i can barely handle the anxiety of making a phone call, and my efforts were wasted… hmmph.
i hope everyone had a pleasant day.
Damn, you're getting so much done. Nice work.
thank you…. ! i'll do my best.
today i went to the ER again and once they heard i hadn't been able to get a normal appointment with a doctor anywhere, they issued me a two week medication refill and set up an appointment for me on monday at the clinic attached to the hospital. i'm so relieved that someone finally helped me i don't know how to describe it. i probably could have succeeded getting an appointment somewhere else if i had called multiple times and shown up multiple times and really hassled them, but that kind of thing is… beyond my abilities. so, thank goodness.
i went to the gym at 1am in order to avoid other people (and having to put on sunscreen) and exercised as much as i wanted to - 30 minutes on the rowing machine, 30 minutes on the treadmill, 15 on a chest press machine and 15 on a leg press machine. i had to take multiple breaks and i sweated like a pig, so i didn't finish until around 2:45, but now that i'm home and i've showered, i feel really good physically. my long term goals are to improve my blood pressure and increase my upper body strength.
now that the issue of finding a doctor has finally been resolved, the only other thing i've been avoiding dealing with (for about a year and a half) is renewing my passport. for some reason i feel like i can get all the paperwork done and mail it next week. like "it'll be easy to do it now!" … even if that's irrational. >>26019
i wish you the best of luck with the insurance stuff. there are things i've put off dealing with for years, too, and i don't really know why i'm like this. it might be because dealing with authority figures makes me panic. i'm glad you made a local friend, too. she sounds really nice!
good night, cc
i wrote a whole 5 paragraphs and the captcha didn't work and i lost it all holy shit, i'll try to retype it as close to the way it was as possible, if i end up missing parts out and making no sense i apologise>>26016
I don't really go out of my way to act like that, sometimes i burst into a completely different mindset, attitude and way of acting. sometimes it's really childish, but normally i'm more laid back and not so energetic like i was in my original post. i'd say it's similar to DID but i'm not going to self diagnose or think i have it at all, considering i don't exhibit every symptom consistently. I apologise if i made anyone feel uncomfortable though, i'll try to hold back from posting when i'm like that from now on
update from last post:
i can't accurately describe how i feel today, it's just empty really, with some bursts (as described above) every couple hours or so. I had ice cream and i've been sitting at my pc procrastinating the plans i'd set up 3 days ago.
i'm meeting up with the girl i'd mentioned previously in a few days, i hope to buy some books and new clothes while i'm out. i also hope that i don't go on autopilot mode, dissociate or shut in on myself when i'm out but i'm sure if i dress nicely and gain enough confidence and comfort i should be able to handle it easily
also is no emojis really a rule?? it's uncomfortable not using any at all, even just the odd smiley face is enough to give the message some life or character, excessive use is awful though so i don't blame mods for making it a rule
for the first time in my life, i purchased real skin care stuff for adult women. i got a cleanser, a day cream with sunscreen in it, and a night cream. i used the cleanser and the day cream once i got home from the store, so tonight i'll apply the night cream when i get back from the gym. it feels like i've accepted my own womanhood a little bit more. this sort of thing has always felt too "feminine" for me to participate in, for some reason. i've always thought the way i look is "ugly in an interesting way", and that me trying to look pretty would be like putting a dress on a pig - a ridiculous waste of time. but lately i've been taking better care of myself. i will probably never wear makeup, but i feel like i'm allowed to try to look pretty. so i don't feel guilty or stupid for spending money on skin care items.
i also got new insoles for the beat up pair of sneakers i patched up the last time i did some sewing. and the doctor's appointment i had on monday went really well. the intake nurse was really nice to me, the doctor sorted out my medications for the next six months, and i scheduled the follow up appointment in december before i left. all of my health concerns were resolved. my blood pressure is back in a healthy range, too, since i've been exercising and eating better. i just have to keep it up.
math is becoming more appealing, too, since i'm all out of new books to read. i'm going to try to finish the second chapter of the textbook this week.>>26180>no emojis
just don't overdo it, lol. one or two per post isn't excessive. i can understand the dissociation issues, though. i struggled with that more when i was younger. i couldn't allow myself to think about the hopeless situation i was in or how much i hated my mother, because my (+ my siblings') survival depended on getting along with her, so there was a brick wall in my mind that i couldn't cross without falling apart. is your situation similar to that? having thoughts you can't allow yourself to think.
eventually you will have to face them if you want to be whole, as a person, but in order to do so safely it makes sense to get to a better place physically/emotionally/mentally first. good luck anon-chan.