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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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LDR Experiences? Anonymous 23282

How did they go for you guys, if you had them?

Mine is currently okay, but I'm afraid the distance will do us in eventually. When we argue, the argument always revolves around the distance or things to do with the distance.

Anonymous 23283

Mine didn't work out as a romance in the end. At the least we were able to stay close friends.

How far are you two from each other?

Anonymous 23284


I’m hoping to meet up with someone I’ve been talking to later this year. I hope we can make it work because I’m a shut-in and the internet is basically my only way of meeting people. And I really like him. I’m just pessimistic. I’m mostly worried about running out of things to talk about. How do you anons deal with that? I feel like it’s easy to run out of things to talk about in a LDR.

Anonymous 23285

>I’m a shut-in and the internet is basically my only way of meeting people.

Internet seems to be a hostile place for making real friends
Where did you found him?

Anonymous 23286

I'm in the US. He's in Europe. So, very far. It was a long while until I saw him, and it will be a long while until I see him again.

I have currently run out of things to say myself. I intentionally remember anything interesting thing that happens to me, read books, the news, or whatever just so I can have something to talk about. If left to my own devices I think I'd watch the same movie over and over again and never leave my home.

Anonymous 23288

Had several, none panned out. When the time to meet up came, they ghosted, usually they become slow replying as the weeks that led up to it came. I haven't used the internet to make friends since. I had a few casual conversations, but I'm just too burnt out of 80/20ing all the damn time. I'm always the one who cares more, but I'm trying to change that.

Anonymous 23289

why did they all ghost? Cold feet do you think?

Anonymous 23310


I think it’s too embarrassing to say where we met, aaaaaaaahhh…

I try to intentionally remember anything remotely interesting throughout my day to talk about too. My life is terribly mundane and boring though (and I kinda am too), it just comes with being a hermit. We’re both kind of hermits so it makes finding stuff to talk about a little more difficult. Thinking about buying a book like pic related to ease my chronic fear of us running out of things to say and drifting apart because of it. I found out about it on some LDR advice blog.

Anonymous 23326

I actually moved in with my LDR like 3 years ago haha. We've been together for almost 6 years now.

Anonymous 23338

I doubt it; these guys have met up with other friends from online before. I think they got bored with me. If they didn't want to meet anymore, or were just anxious, they could have told me. They just cut me off completely instead.

Anonymous 23342

Is there anything you can remember doing that may have scared them off?

How did you keep your relationship alive during LDR?

Anonymous 23369

We dated for 10 months and he drove to see me 3.5h since I hated driving. I would only drive home 2-3h to see my parents 3x a year. He somehow tricked me into driving to see him every so often. I was working full-time but started at 11am. I would get sleepy driving home at night and almost crash multiple times. I parked my car at a gas station and took a nap once. I might have partially blocked a diesel pump that time. If I left the same day work started, I would have to rush to get to work and got a speeding ticket once. I moved in after month 10 because I hated work, now I'm unemployed but in school again. It's a lot better.

I suggest he moves in with you unless you living in a boring shithole so you guys can adventure together. If it doesn't work out, he will have to move all his shit out and not the other way around.

Anonymous 23371

How do you all make sure he isn't a player who has LD girlfriends everywhere, especially if he's from a distant country and is very eager to meet you from the get-go?

Anonymous 23379

If you assume things like these without any real base you'd be scared of everything in life because you'd think only about how you can get hurt and not how much you can gain.

Would you like to be trusted? Then trust others

Anonymous 23380

To be quite frank , is it really a problem?
I myself imagine that there are multiple people in the world I could be happy with, and that ultimately, I will end up with someone based on convenience - that I want to settle down and stop looking, rather than feeling certain.

In this sense - I could imagine seeing where life takes me - and if I end up moving for my own reasons and it puts me close to someone I previously had a LDR with, maybe I’d give him a call.

If it’s still casual - does it matter?

Anonymous 23387

You can feel it when someone is cheating. That's what I think. Even if they're not cheating per se, you might feel a distance or a coldness. It should be relatively easy to spot whether or not your LDR is fucked due to the guy being a cheat or whatever else.

If he is excited to meet you immediately, red flags. These things take time. It should be a gradual thing.

Anonymous 23389

I can feel it coming in the air tonight.
Oh lord.

But for real, I assume you have personal experience with this? Or had a friend who was cheated on?
I mean you are not just guessing?
This hasn’t been my experience.

Anonymous 23418

The Phil Collins thing made me smile.

Anyway, yeah, I've had experience with this. My ex was cheating on me and I didn't know that, but I did notice things were different for a while before it came to light. There was just an obvious shift in affection. We didn't have the same conversations or intimacy. I believe it's very obvious when you're being cheated on, you just need to open your eyes and confront what's in front of you.

Anonymous 23444

I was in a LDR for 4 years and in the 5th year I moved in with him. Different continents, could only see each other twice every year.

I think what made me go through it was that we were basically tenaagers at the time, and stupidly in love. We did not even consider the downsides. Now that I am older I probably would have been way more scared.

It gets hard a lot of the time, but I think I have had the most magical experiences you can in love. I'm talking about being in the most incredible mood of anxiety mixed with happiness waiting at the airport arrivals, after months of not seeing each other. The time we spent together was always otherwordly, amazing.

Now that we have moved in together, things are nice but also hard. Specially on me, since I moved out of my country. Also, any couple that moves in together struggles a bit to get used to that, I think. Things are more real, stakes are higher, and you get to know the person more.

It's a great experience if it is with the right person. Basically, if both people really want it, it can work.

Anonymous 23462

Is going good currently, took us a year to meet up. But just got done with a second visit with another currently planned for summer.

Honestly, if not for him I wouldn't have been in a relationship. This was probably the only way to get myself in any kind of relationship. But here I am 1.5 years later.
We both had no experience and were both new in relationships, which probably helped us grow with each other. The distance does get easier to deal with, but sucks after visits. We don't really run out of things to talk about, but activities help.

If anything I learned so much about visas and shit since we are a international couple. And if one good thing, its going to a new country and getting to travel is always cool.

Anonymous 23464

To any anon who is willing to answer :
What countries?
If you end up married will either of you change citizenship or register for dual citizenship? Whose home country will you live in, his (or hers) or yours?

Anonymous 23465

I am in the US and he is in Europe, Slovenia to be exact. Don't think I would ever give up my citizenship, but if I could get dual I would go for that.

Honestly its a toss up still of who will live there, we both have been to each others countries and like them.
But might be leaning to him coming to the states for various reasons like language, jobs, etc.

Anonymous 23559

>How did you keep your relationship alive during LDR?
(Not them but) We committed nearly immediately because we were friends for a few years prior.

We went out of our way to make time for each other every day while we were both awake, and we made sure to tell each other about even the most mundane portions of our lives. When you're in an LDR, the only thing you really have for each other is communication, so we sat there doing nothing but cooing and talking about life for hours, taking pictures of anything which could start a conversation, etc.

We made immigration plans early. He didn't want an LDR in the longterm and neither did I, so we made sure we knew that there was a promise on the end of any struggle. Uncertainty kills relationships, and being serious and upfront about what we wanted made sure that it was worth it

Anonymous 26092

I'm currently in a 3 and a half year long ldr. We met through an mmo, through a 4chan guild. We were friends for a couple of months but quickly got interested in each other romantically.
We met irl ~10 months after first meeting online. Ever since then we've been visiting each other every year/6 months, mostly during summer. I plan to move to his country once I finish my bachelors. He's 3 years older than me but both of us are first years in uni and we're studying similar majors so it's fun studying with him, he's really damn smart. We're best friends and I really can't wait to close the distance gap.
Both of us are shut-ins and we sit in discord and voice for the whole day, we eat together when we can, we watch animu/movies together, play vidya, talk about random bullshit or just chill while studying/browsing the internet etc. Trust is definitely not an issue, which I see people mention often when it comes to LDR's.
Also we both have part-time jobs so we can afford a nice vacation during the summer, I usually stay at his place and we eat well and have tons of fun. Then we're poor for the rest of the year haha

Slovenia is pretty great and I'd recommend living there, although learning the language might be an issue for you.

Anonymous 26099

I wish you luck in your relationship anon! Are you guys on different continents?

Anonymous 26125

I'm in a LDR, this is the second one that i'm stuck, the difference is that unlike the last one, he's not 200 km apart from me, he's like 4000 km away from me. I don't know why I keep doing this. I feel very lonely, I didn't know him very well at the time that he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted, his behaviour is very childish and he gets very anxious by small silly things. I don't think that you will entirely know someone if you don't interact with that person first.
Advice for girls who are getting into a ldr: DON'T DATE HIM IF HE IS STILL A MOMMY'S BOY, YOU WOULN'T WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS GOING TO VISIT HIM. If you will date someone who is very far away from you because you're stupid at least make sure that he's independent enough to visit you whenever you two want.

Anonymous 26135


You're not obliged to stay in a relationship with someone for their sake if you don't like their behaviour. They're responsible for their own happiness. If they don't care enough about your happiness to discuss their behaviour and how it's making you upset, why should you prioritize their happiness over your own?

Anonymous 26171

Thanks! I'm in europe, he's in the middle east (Israel), so technically yes. 3k km distance more or less. Our timezones are only 1h apart and honestly the flight length lasts as much as traveling by car to other parts of my country does so it doesn't feel like the distance is that big.

Anonymous 26172

Mine didn't work out and I don't know anyone who has had a successful one either. Unless you already knew each other beforehand or plan on moving to the same city soon, it's generally a waste of time.

Anonymous 26177

ok incel

Anonymous 26190

I was in a LDR for a few years and it was the best time of my life honestly. I am in Scotland and they were in England so there was about 400 miles between us so not too far to go to meet. We spent our time apart just talking about everything and nothing or playing video games together. We'd tell each other about every boring little detail of what happened that day and send pictures all the time. We met as often as possible and for as long as possible at a time and I've never been happier than I was in those moments. Unfortunately it all came crashing down no less than 5 days before they were due to move up to Scotland and live with me. Their best friend DM'd me on facebook showing me proof of them cheating on me. I was absolutely deveatated and I went into a fit of rage that lasted about 3 weeks.

My ex has since contacted me and tried to apologise, even showed up at my house grovelling and begging for forgiveness, but I told them to fuck right off out of my life, even had to remove them with force.

Anonymous 26198

If he wanted sex out of you regularly then that's a redflag. Here's hoping he didn't get anything out of you before that.

Anonymous 26210

I'll tell my story if there's anyone here to read it right now…

Anonymous 26211

I’m here to read it anon!

Anonymous 26212

I’m here and I’m buzzed, shoot

Anonymous 26213

Cool I'm buzzed too.

I'll keep it short anyway though it's not all that interesting.
Met him in an MMO. He didn't know I was a girl at first but flirted with me anyway. When I finally told him the truth he thought I was fucking with him. When I met him, he told me. He had just gotten out of his relationship where his gf cheated on him. She even still had his car and he was so done with her he didnt even wanna make her give it back. I convinced him to get it back. We talked on Skype for 2 years. Every single day. Fell asleep talking to each other etc. I sent him really extravagant gifts for his birthday and christmas. I was so in love. He never sent me anything except a couple times (probably out of sheer guilt honestly). I didn't care because I was in love and I loved making him happy. Anyway. I was aware of one of his other friends. One was this girl named Heather he knew before me. They talked on Facebook. She was in the US too (he was in Belgium) He told me they met on Omegele. Seemed okay. I wondered about their relationship but decided to trust him. One day, he tells me he's going to bed for the night. Then right after posts "Helllooooo baby <3" to me. I'm confused. He makes some dumb excuse and force myself to believe him and brush it off. Things are never the same. Then the friend starts playing the same game as us. But she joins a guild with him that I'm not in. Their behavior gets suspicious. She starts posting on her facebook (that I look at sometimes because I can) that my supposed bf is her bf. He tells me it's a front to deal with her ex who is abusive to get him to leave her alone. I ignore this for some reason as well. I make plans to go visit him. Even though in my heart of hearts I know it's all bullshit I go through with it. He doesn't stop me. I even tell him I feel like thing are not good. He cries and reassures me. Anyway. The time comes. I go visit him. We have a nice enough time. No sex happens. He's a fuckup so we don't get up in time to get me to the airport. I miss my plane home and have to stay another day and pay 300 dollars extra. We go back to his house and I stay another night. We play a videogame on his computer. He has to take a phonecall at some point and leaves me alone. But his keyboard is in some weirdass euro keybind so I can't play the game by myself. So I snoop on his facebook. He's been involved with the friend the whole time. Saying he's her bf. Sending her dick pics. Etc. He would tell me goodnight and then get on with her. It makes me sick. I cry alot all night. And sleep in the same bed with him because I'm in another country in a stranger's house and I have no choice. Then I went home the next day.
As far as I know he never told the "mistress" the truth. And now they're together. She moved there to be with him.
I know I was stupid but it was literally my first love. The end.
If you want more details feel free to ask.

Anonymous 26214

That’s super fucked up, I’m sorry that happened to you. Do you still maintain contact with him?

Anonymous 26215

We don't have contact anymore, no.

Anonymous 26216

Holy shit I just remembered more shit. It was years ago so I forget how many levels of fucked up this was. Do you wanna hear?

Anonymous 26217

Spill it, I already hate this asshole

Anonymous 26218

During the time I was there, there was this time where he would disappear for long stretches of time. He would go into the bathroom and say he had the shits. But he took his psp with him. come to find out this was happening:
he told his "real" gf and all his skype friends he would usually talk to that he was going to visit his cousins in Saudi Arabia and that's why he wouldn't be around. Not that he had a visitor. He lied to literally everyone he knew. So he would say he was going to shit, sit in there text the mistress and telling her lies about what he did that day with his cousins, while I was sitting in the next room waiting for him to come back. Also when I got to his country I had to take a plane to meet him. Even though I had internet. he wasn't on Skype. it was the first time since I met him that he wouldn't respond to me. so I was alone in a foreign country without even his support. it made me sad as fuck. never brought taht up with him though. anyway. we went to this zoo. and then we went to the gift shop at the end. he was looking around at the gifts to buy. and he picked a lion. I don't know how but my fucking gut instinct told me. "He's looking for something for Heather" When we get back to his place, he, for some reason, cuts the tag off of the toy, because I guess the tag says it's from Belgium and not Saudi Arabia. So…time goes by. When I get back to America, I found Heather's instagram. She posts about gifts she got from her bf who lives abroad. Guess what's in the fucking picture?

I can't believe how stupid I was holy shit lmao
I wasted a lot of money to meet him for fucking nothing geez

Anonymous 26219

What a pathetic POS

Anonymous 26273

Why is wanting sex a red flag?

Anonymous 26279

Because hint-hint, if one of the first things they want to do with you is mash flesh together, then likely odds are they're only going to want that out of the relationship.

Anonymous 26286

I hope you took it upon yourself to tell Heather that she was being cheated on? Because the same thing that happened to you, will probably happen to her, too. Dudes don't really cheat "just once".

Anonymous 26287

tbh if I was in an LDR with someone for years and years, I'd probably wanna fuck him as a priority somewhere in the things we'd do on the first or second day after meeting.

if all he wanted was sex, then he'd be playing a very very long game when it would've been far quicker and easier to find someone in their own area.

Anonymous 26288

Met them after quite a few years, we would originally talk very casually, maybe once every few months over Skype or Discord but he seemed overly interested at first. Put the friendship on the back burner to focus on school and a career, we talked again casually in the last year. Wasn’t as overly interested as before but was still keen on me. Out of the blue he was in the area last year and shot me a text, we hung out and fast forward two months and he took my v-card the next time he came by.

Then he tried to cheat on me with my best friend the following month when he came back, she told him to get lost. Then he tried to reconcile it and we tried again a couple of months later and spending time with him after all that made me sick. There was no chemistry, it felt like he was putting on an act the entire time before when I met him and went head over heels.

Anonymous 26289

Why would anyone be in an LDR if they just wanted sex lmao

You tradcath posters truly have incredible brains

Anonymous 26290

Well sure, if all he seems to want is sex, jet. However, what would a guy like that have to talk about in an LDR? LDRs last because of genuine connections, despite the lack of sex. How is a man gonna string you along for months to years, and why, if his only his is to get his dick wet?

Anyway I was excited as fuck to finally do physical things with my LDR. I don't think that's a red flag, though it can be

Anonymous 26297

Anon if a couple has been in an ldr for months and they finally meet up you bet your ass they're gonna fuck first thing when they meet up.

Anonymous 26389

I'm meeting my LDR in about a month and a half.
If I'm going to be honest, I'm absolutely terrified he'll see me and think twice or think I'm disgusting etc. We also have an age gap (8 years) that will certainly not be easily accepted with my parents.
However, I love reading the successful outcomes in this thread.

Anonymous 26428

Have you seen each other before? Like pics?

First thing mine said was “you’re even cuter than in your pictures”.

Anonymous 26574

I didn't say anything to her. She actually moved to his country and lives with him now.

Anonymous 26580

>thinking men can't have several LDRs in several countries at the same time without their girlfriends' knowledge

Anonymous 26581

I don't know how you imagine LDRs to be or how other people managed theirs but me and my boyfriend would literally sit in voice all day while we played vidya together, watched shows, studied and we barely ever went outside with others. He'd sometimes get calls from his uni buddies and they'd even say hi to me since most of them knew about his LDR. I'd even talk with his aunt over the phone cause she loves me. If he managed to do that while talking with other girls simultaneously while I was involved in every aspect of his life I'd be impressed honestly. And ye we had sex on the first day we saw each other, and are going to be living together soonish.
If you think LDRs only consist of sending each other a good morning/good night message with a few nudes here and there you're wrong. Besides superficial relationships like those are bound to fail irl as well, I've met countless girls that treat their bfs only as boyfriends and nothing else, there's barely any friendships or mutual interests, they're just kinda there…

Anonymous 26645

indian blue peacoc…

we have been together 6 years, LDR for the past 2 while I've been in grad school. We are closing the gap in ONE MONTH and getting married. I'm really excited.

One complication is that I sort of (?) fell in love with a good male friend while in my grad program. We have not done anything remotely physical but have verbally acknowledged our feelings for each other. It's tough to say goodbye to him but in my gut I know that my fiance is the right one for me. I just hope I won't be hurting my friend too badly, but it also seems inevitable.

Anonymous 26650

How do you "sort of" fall in love when in relationship. I'm disgusted by the thought of it.

>We have not done anything remotely physical but have verbally acknowledged our feelings for each other.

Have you literally told another man you feel love towards him while you're in relationship? Do you plan telling your bf about this? If not then i hope you realize you're not a good person.

Anonymous 26651

Oh and one more thing, you're focused about your friend not feeling badly instead of what your boyfriend will think of you now. You're no better than guys having one night stand with someone else while in relationship. You got me mad, i give you that.

Anonymous 26653

Oldfag here who has been married 10 years… Over the course of a long relationship you will have highs and lows, and you have the potential to meet someone you could have married every single day. Sometimes both of these happen at the same time and it can be very tempting to take the easy way out.

If you want to stay with your spouse long term, you just need to learn not to even put yourself in those situations.

Anonymous 26654

That's what happens when you truly don't love someone but settle for them because you don't want to be alone, or you romanticize marriage to the point where you will marry someone who is just okay and not truly compatible with you. When a person "falls in love" with someone else it's because they offer a need their current relationship doesn't meet. That's why it's essential to find someone who shares similar goals, truly cares about you/treats you well, is emotionally mature, and is sexually compatible with you. Of course, if you love someone you will find a way to communicate and work through problems otherwise you will just fantasize a way out or a distraction. Like falling for someone else.

Obviously Anon doesn't care because she isn't in love with her boyfriend. Let's hope he isn't invested too much in her either, because he will probably get hurt sooner or later.

Anonymous 26659

t. 17 year old virgin that's "saving herself" for marriage

I admit the phrase sort of falling in love is dumb but crushes happen no matter how perfect a relationship is, it's important not to act upon them my dude

Anonymous 26664

Well, it's easy to say that "just marry someone you are compatible with" but in reality people change. We both are MUCH different people from when we first met at 18. At the time we did share a lot of interests and values but at 33 that is no longer the case.

I'm not saying we shouldn't have gotten married or are unhappy, but it really does take a lot of work to make a marriage work. You also aren't even always going to necessarily love each other the entire time, but honestly when you have kids, a house, 401k tied and a decade of baggage together with another person you gotta work through it and you come out stronger in the end.

Anonymous 26666

>he took my v-card the next time he came by
There's your problem, right there.

Anonymous 26667

Hindsight is 20/20.

Anonymous 26668

It's something you're warned about, beforehand. No excuses.

Anonymous 26670

Warned about when exactly?

Anonymous 26671

The crap your parents/grandparents kept telling you.

Anonymous 26672

Don't engage, it's one of the purityfags trying to shame you into feeling guilty.

Anonymous 26673

Anonymous 26674

They never nagged you on boys? I'd at least expect the father to be a little concerned, if the mother isn't, but maybe it wasn't the best family. My sympathies. Never had the best either.

Anonymous 26845

I've had two. The first one went okay for a while (few months?) but fizzled out. We never really made any plans and it all felt kinda weird and detached. I don't even remember anything about the guy now.

My husband and I started out as an LDR. We'd already been online friends for years, and I guess our feelings just kind of mutually deepened at the same time. Anyway, one of the first things we did when we realized feels were beginning was to start making plans to meet in person. That honestly helped keep the relationship going as much as anything - just having something more concrete to look forward to. He flew out and visited once, and before he even went back home we were already starting to make plans to move closer together.

While we were waiting to get together, we'd talk on the phone or draw on virtual whiteboards together or have "movie nights" where we'd stream the same movie at the same time on our desktops while chatting on our laptops. But the conversation would always circle back around to getting together in person. If we hadn't had that to look forward to, or if we'd just had vague ideas and no actual plan or timetable, I think things would've eventually fallen apart.

I wouldn't say that LDRs never work, but based on my experiences and those of my friends, I believe they have a much better chance if you're actively making plans to make them SDRs.

Anonymous 27166

Pretty much, an ldr only works if you want to actively end it - by that I mean turn it into a normal relationship. Distance sucks but meeting people online has never been easier, and chances of finding someone you can connect with are higher than ever due to that.

Anonymous 27172

Mine is going on a year and a half now and we spend time together every few months. I love him deeply. It works for me but prepare for a lot of emotional instability

Anonymous 27407


I used to never care about romantic relationships then I had an LDR (that I never even met kek) which ended after a few months and now I often have long bouts of yearning/longing. Feels pretty pathetic desu I wish I never started that in the first place

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