[ Rules / FAQ ] [ meta / b / media / img / feels / hb / x ]

/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent
Name
Email
Message

*Text* => Text

**Text** => Text

***Text*** => Text

[spoiler]Text[/spoiler] => Text

Image
Direct Link
Options NSFW image
Sage (thread won't be bumped)

Janitor applications are open


Check the Catalog before making a new thread.
Do not respond to maleposters. See Rule 7.
Please read the rules! Last update: 04/27/2021

1582611927038.png

Traumatic Experiences Anonymous 34206

What was the most traumatic experience of your childhood (before 20)? I'd say mine was losing my house and a lot of my belongings in a fire.

Anonymous 34212

getting punched in the face by my crackhead uncle

Anonymous 34230

My dad stalked my mom and I after a messy violent divorce, we had to move several times and I had to constantly switch schools. Restraining orders didn't work, begging my court-ordered therapist to tell the courts not to give him custody didn't work, and I was becoming somebody that I really disliked.

Anonymous 34231

getting thrown into sea as a toddler to learn how to swim. I did actually learned how to swim that way, but I almost drowned and didn't go deeper than waist until I was 14

Anonymous 34232

Something so traumatic that I can't remember.

Anonymous 34403

>>34232
Same. All I know is it was a really invasive medical exam when I was 3. I have no memory of it and I am a-ok with that.

Anonymous 34437

Discovered I'm the spawn of my mum cucking my dad with my oldest brother's best friend when he was like 12.

It completely tore the family apart, and even though he says he loves me and nothing would change that, every time my dad looks at me, I can see the pain all over his face.

Anonymous 34438

b729bb5335471455af…


Anonymous 34439

>>34438
There's no waking up from this nightmare.

Anonymous 34452

>>34206
In sophomore year of hs, a college counselor told my crush my grades and standardized test scores while in a private meeting with him. The implication was that I wasn't smart enough to get into (insert prestigious school here). She also claimed I could never be a programmer because I got Bs in French class, because spoken languages and programming languages are the same thing.

Anonymous 34472

Screenshot_2020030…

Painful vivid memory of saying goodbye to my dad for the last time when my parents got divorced and me and my mom moved away. I spent the morning drawing with chalk on the sidewalk before we left so he would see the drawings later and remember me.

Anonymous 34474

>>34472
What happened to him after that?

Anonymous 34478

>>34452
Are you in some society where programming courses are really prestigious

Anonymous 34479

>>34206
>traumatic experiences
Dad beating the shit out of me
>most traumatic experience
That time he beat the shit out of me really hard

Anonymous 34504

>>34437
How did you even discover that?

Anonymous 34546

>>34504
I became really close with him (let's just go with J) because he was so close to my brother and, since J's a geneticist, I asked him to organise a DNA test because I distrust 23andMe. He was really hesitant, and when some things just didn't add up, my mother became really defensive and I arranged a paternity test. When I confronted her with the results, all hell broke loose and the whole lie unfolded. J came clean and revealed he'd known since he was 13 or 14, and been in constant tension with my mother over it, wanting to tell me since I was little. My dad organised paternity tests for my brothers and that was it, family detonated.

I decided to look back at photos and found one of all of us in a big picture from school with J standing right behind me, same eyes, same hair, same skin and same ears…right next to my brown eyed, brown haired, tanned brothers.

Anonymous 34547

>>34546
I am sorry to hear that. are you still in contact with J ? how is he coping with being assaulted at 12 ??

Anonymous 34548

>>34547
We still see each other, and he's still friends with my brother, while my other brothers despise him and hold him accountable for destroying the family. He's always been very fatherly and protective of me, but now he's just more open about it. He says he forgave my mother years ago, but the vitriol between them is proof enough he still rightfully harbors resentment and I think it shows my mother really doesn't believe she did anything wrong.

Anonymous 34551

>>34548
thanks for this story. this is very sad and I wish you both the best.

Anonymous 34917

>>34206
i guess what truly marked me was one of the many bad things mom said to me even though i cant remember any specific thing
but what i can remember best is having trash thrown at me and later on being made to apologize for it

Anonymous 47010

Seeing a decapitated head. I cried on the bus ride to uni.

Anonymous 47015

When I was in middle school, we went on a big family vacation, and apparently I took too long to get ready or something because my father screamed at me like he had never screamed before. He called went on about how much I was wasting his time and money he had spent on taking us somewhere nice and called me an ungrateful, entitled little bitch. I know that sounds mild compared to what some girls go through at the hands of their fathers, but I was a sheltered and sensitive only child who basically derived her self worth from doing well in school and making her parents happy, and it shattered my world. Not all at once, but the cracks started to become canyons later, when I started burying my emotions as best I could around my parents, or found it hard to believe my dad whenever he said he was proud of me, or with self-esteem issues I still struggle with in my 20s. I think he bottles up his emotions until they explode, like a lot of men with low emotional intelligence. I'm sure he regrets it, but frankly I don't really care.

Anonymous 47016

>>47010
jesus christ, where do you live??

Anonymous 47025

>>34206
ice tea is very nice wink

Anonymous 47148

>>47016
Mexico, unfortunately.

Anonymous 47157

I was walking home from my first job when I was 16 and stopped on a street corner to take my jumper off and put it in my bag. These three aboriginal guys, stinking of glue, immediately surrounded me and took my bag, then my phone and wallet. When they realised I only had about $5, one of them just grabbed me by the hair and stuck his fingers down my throat before dragging me into an overgrown vacant block. They started stripping me as I started vomiting and choking on it. I was so panicked for air that I couldn't do anything but struggle to get the vomit past his fingers and out of my throat. Suddenly he pulls his fingers out and scratches me across the eye. I sat bolt upright to see a huge guy in a black hoodie proceed to physically lift the man off me and slam him head first into a pile of concrete chunks. He kicked another guy and sent him spilling out onto the road before just knocking out the third with a punch to the side of the head. He called an ambulance for me, gave me some water, looked after me and just kind of awkwardly looked around, then shuffled off while apologising as the flashing lights got closer. In the end he inflicted permanent spinal and skull injures on #1, a broken sternum and ribs on #2 and permanent brain damage on #3.

It was traumatic, and really wrecked me emotionally for years, but now I can think about it and discuss it without any discomfort.

Anonymous 47158

>>47157
Oh anon abos are notorious for this type of thing kek.
Even when you recover from PTSD stuff it still afflicts us.
Hope your life is going better now.

Anonymous 47228

1605506897431.png

>>47010
vives en ecatepec o cerca de el?

Anonymous 47280

>>47228
vivo en el norte, amiga.

Anonymous 47284

>>47157 damn what a hero

Anonymous 47301

>>47280
Yo tambien. En Sonora. Ten cuidado nomas no hagas nada estupido nunca y jamas va a haber problemas.

Anonymous 47302

>>47016
>>47148
It's more uncommon that you think but it can happen I guess. The only irl gore I have ever saw was in a transit accident in a highway, it was a dumb driver that got over confident and wanted to possibly overtake the front of the car he was behind and didnt see the bus in the other lane so he ended up crashing against the bus, that's it. His head was pulp thankfully his car was red so the blood spill was hard to see. But that was an accident and the driver's own fault. Seeing a legit crime is another thing…

Anonymous 47365

>>47302
>Seeing a legit crime is another thing…
That's why it freaked me out so much - it was pretty obvious the man had been killed and his head dumped. The city where I live is violent and full of crime, but it tends to be somewhat peaceful in my neighbor. It was pretty shocking to leave my house and discover a decapitated head just a couple of meters(yards for the burgers)away from my house.

Anonymous 64991

>>34206
Waiting at my school until 10PM when my mom could then pick me up. I was too afraid to take the bus with all my acne.

Anonymous 64995

When I was 10 the factory my dad worked for realized they'd make more money closing and moving production to China. In the following 6 months we lost our house, my parents split, I got to be homeless for a minute with my mom living in our car, then I had to go into foster care. 6 months after that we were all back together with my dad working at a new factory on the other side of the country and everyone acting like none of it ever happened.

The only justice was that the Chinese factory realized they could just stick a different company logo on what they were already producing and sell it for half the price of the American company and they put them out of business in about 5 years.

Anonymous 64997

These posts are all so sad I feel so bad for all of you, I don't think anything worse happened to me besides my family dog passing away when I was like 14 and being pretty poor.

Anonymous 64998

05ead2399e564516d7…

>>34206
When i was in 2nd grade i used to have 2 guy friends among all the other girl friends i used to play with. One day after school they asked me if i wanted to play chess with them and we went to a nearby cafe where we played for a hour or so. Nothing happened with them, but after a few games my mom came in all angry and screaming. She grabbed me by my hair, slapped me and bashed my head against the table. A teacher had told her she saw me leaving with two guys and she had been searching for me since.

I don't know if i should blame her for it since she was worried about me, or if i should be angry about it since she was excessively violent.

Anonymous 64999

>>64998
>She grabbed me by my hair, slapped me and bashed my head against the table. A teacher had told her she saw me leaving with two guys and she had been searching for me since.
How old were these two guy friends??

>I don't know if i should blame her for it since she was worried about me, or if i should be angry about it since she was excessively violent.

Blame the teacher AND your mother, but mostly the teacher because he or she probably made the situation worse by calling them guys instead of boys (I'm assuming they were the same age as you), your mother was obviously worried thinking you were kidnapped by some 20 or 30 year old guys, but she's still a mental basket case for doing that to you.

Anonymous 65000

>>64999
One was 8, the other 9. I wat also 8 myself.

Anonymous 65001

Actual trigger warning.
a ton of family dying, seeing my dogs back get broken, a French girl trying to drown me, two girls trying to get me to drink bleach and flea powder mixed together, getting sexually abused, getting raped, a terrorist failing to detonate.
Worse stuff happened post 20s. I have had horrendous luck growing up. Idk if this helps anyone but focusing on healing from trauma is super important and PLEASE stick with it and don’t give up, it really will get better.

Anonymous 65002

>>65000
>8 and 9
Yeah, it's a big part your teacher's fault, they probably made your mom think some late teens or adult druggies were taking you to do crack or get fucking raped. That being said your mom is a fucking bitch for reacting that way upon seeing you safe and sound.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Anonymous 65003

>>65001
That's awful anon, you're a stronger person than me and it's good that you have a positive and "push through the hard shit" attitude on life. I hope your life is much better now and you get the happiness you deserve.

Anonymous 65004

>>65001
MENA?

Anonymous 65005

Terrorist attacks. Attacks in distant cities are common news but there was a time where terrorism was a huge problem even in safe cities like mine. There was even a suicide bomber in my school area (I heard the explosion but didn't see). Luckily it isn't insane like that anymore.

Anonymous 65013

>>47015
I have much of the same experience as this anon though on a long-term dismissal basis rather than a shorter and direct outburst. My dad thought I was uppity because I didn't really care in a few of my classes in grade 7 so he perpetually yelled at me and any time I would speak up and he yelled longer and harder. I still can't express myself without feeling guilty of taking up space. I know for a fact he didn't do this with my younger brother which makes me question how much of it was genuine distaste for having a daughter.

Anonymous 65014

>>64998
What the actual fuck was wrong with your mother

Anonymous 65035

>>65002
Thanks, I try not to think about it often. It takes me back to that moment and I feel the fear and powerlessness despite being in my 20s now. Reading the other posts here kind of makes me feel pathetic for being upset over something like this but those feelings never went away.

Anonymous 65036

>>65005
Holy shit, are you based in Israel by any chance?

Anonymous 65083

>>65036
Nope, I'm in ME but not Israel. This was happening when ISIS was becoming a huge concern but since then it has calmed down

Anonymous 65346

I was in foster care for awhile. It was fucking shitty

>Foster dad was a pastor, meaning up to 14 hour mandatory days at church

>"Dancing is a sin" "a wife is her husband's helpmate" kinda church
>Kept food locked in cabinets away from us
>Up to 9 foster kids in a 3 bedroom house on the weekends
>Girls in charge of 100% of chores
>Got punished for needing to go to the doctor
>Foster parents 450+lb grandson was prone to violence
>Once grabbed a pole and chased one of the boys down the street threatening to beat him to death
>Also slid love letters to my roommate under our door at night
>Finally removed when I broke down crying in court bc the neglect got to me

Anonymous 65375

This thread makes me see how good I have it so I am somewhat embarrassed to have PTSD, I must just be fragile. Anyways it is mostly being bullied in elementary school. They threatened me with a lot of violence and I was afraid to go to school each day. The teachers didn't do anything about it so I had nowhere to turn. The kids would frame me for things and no one would ever take my side and I was punished for shit I didn't even do. And every time they talked to me it was a pretext for getting material to mock me with. Honestly to this day I can't believe people are being honest with me when they show kindness to me. They ruined my life

Anonymous 65379

>>65346
I'm glad you got out, Anonette. Hopefully you ended up someplace better and more loving. I've always thought it was strange how some of the worst people become foster parents. Are there really no checks and balances?

Anonymous 65405

>>65379

I'm sure it depends on where you are, but my foster parents always got a heads-up before the social workers came. Just enough time to remove the locks and pretend everything was fine. Even after my courtroom breakdown (I didn't have medications, vision correction, wasn't eating, etc) all I got for my trouble was being moved 200+ miles away from everything I knew to a town in the middle of nowhere.

Thankfully I'm in a much better place now, and I have a lovely little family I built myself.

>>65375
I don't think you're being fair to yourself when you say you're fragile. What you describe sounds like absolute hell, especially at such a young age. It's understandable that damaged your ability to trust people when they're kind to you. That's an insane level of manipulation to go through. Don't be embarrassed, you have nothing to be ashamed of

Anonymous 65423

>>65379
>Hopefully you ended up someplace better
Poor innocent soul, foster care is a business. My creep moid math teacher was a foster parent of two girl my age. When he realized the money the government gives to foster parents was barely enough to break even, he send one of the sisters away. Somehow the government allowed it, and a girl lost her sister. Afterwards he realized he could not make enough of a profit and asked for her to be taken away.

Anonymous 65426

>>65423

Unfortunately the only way to make money as a foster parent is to refuse to take care of your foster children. And (especially in more rural places) the more you complain, the worse it gets. A girl got sent away from my second foster home and she was placed several hundred miles away with a farm family that openly only had foster kids for cheap farm labor. They were homeschooled and spent all their free time doing farm work and they never got to leave the farm.

Unfortunately separating siblings is common. I only knew one pair of sisters who stayed together, and even then they were just in the same town, not the same foster house. My heart breaks for the sisters in your story, and I hope they were able to reunite as adults

Anonymous 65429

>>34479
is it a bad sign that this made me laugh

Anonymous 65431

mine feels silly, but i guess when my dad slammed his fist on me for spilling juice on him. he would yell at me a lot, and I remember he would throw things at me (probably only 3 times) but the only time he hit me/made me feel physical pain was when I was a kid and to get that as a 17 year old scared the crap out of me. I thought he was going to kill me I was so scared and angry. I then called CPS, and nothing really happened. I think the main reason why this traumatized me so much is when I realized how most kids are going through actual shit and here I am shaking and crying over my dad hitting me. I honestly dont know what to feel, if it was my fault or his. In the end I had to apologize, while my dad only said sorry when he was intoxicated or when he was very emotional which was rare. This all happened 6 years ago and I still cry about it because I feel so guilty and mad for endangering my family via CPS and for feeling so hurt over my dad berating all the time and calling me names and then hitting me. I am still working through my issues and I plan on getting better. I dont want to stay like this forever sorry for the vent I just started crying while typing this out and now all of these crappy feelings are flooding back dang

Anonymous 65449

>>65375
>This thread makes me see how good I have it so I am somewhat embarrassed to have PTSD, I must just be fragile. Anyways it is mostly being bullied in elementary school. They threatened me with a lot of violence and I was afraid to go to school each day. The teachers didn't do anything about it so I had nowhere to turn. The kids would frame me for things and no one would ever take my side and I was punished for shit I didn't even do. And every time they talked to me it was a pretext for getting material to mock me with. Honestly to this day I can't believe people are being honest with me when they show kindness to me. They ruined my life
Reading this has made me do some reflection and I wonder if I have PTSD myself. I went through a similar bit of bullying as you did and I cannot take compliments or believe at first if someone is being honest or not when they're speaking to me. The fear I have of social situations is unreal and the way I deal with people is so rigid.

Anonymous 67396

Got slapped and punched around and antagonized by my 30 year old “brother” for no reason at ages 16 and 17 he even tried crushing my skull in and threw his whole fat body on it and i started hiding from him… i think the antagonizing and throwing hurtful words at me stopped at 18 when my dad got him a job (i think the reason was because he invited me to draw on his pc and when he saw it he got triggered that a girl is better than him, even tho i think it was shitty from my current 21 year old perspective) then i sought refuge in my sister who was like 16 years older than me and she manipulated me and suddenly got ape shit crazy when i realized it and started the same cycle for 2 years banging on my door and calling me names slapping me around. It made me feel worthless for a long time and i just don’t trust anyone anymore. Of course this didn’t all suddenly happened at 16, there were little moments since i was a child leading up to all of it…

Anonymous 67562

Getting bullied and verbally abused at home. I would get laughed at and called names at school, just to go home and get called "retarded" and "stupid" at home. It's no wonder then why now I continue to deeply question my intelligence, even after making the Honor Roll in my college three semesters in a row and majoring in something like Computer Science.

Anonymous 67566

1POsj3bhhUn0UlKLix…

Having my best and basically only friend tell me that she didn't care about me anymore because of her mental disorders making her unable to feel empathy

Anonymous 67568

>>67562
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
At least now you're past all those abusive people (hopefully) and I deeply hope you can recover from these experiences soon.

I'd hate if horrible people kept a hold on anyone forever

Anonymous 67588

This is definitely not as heavy as some of the other responses but I would say my dad traumatized me early and often. He’s a very troubled man with a difficult past and he would lose his temper and go crazy on my sister and I at the drop of a hat.

Once, I went outside without shoes to throw something in the trash. He saw me and made me stand barefoot in the snow for 30 minutes. I was 10. Other times he wasn’t so creative; sometimes he would just lose it and start hitting me and screaming over nothing. My mother would then make me comfort him, as he sometimes would feel guilty afterwards.

Anonymous 67592

>>67568

Thanks. I'm not exactly - I still speak with my mom because I have alot of emotional attacment to her (And she's one of the only people I have to talk to, since I still have almost no friends and don't know how to make any.) She's mellowed out, especially now that I keep more physical distance from her. If I ever had to move in with her again, she'd probably start constantly verbally abusing the shit out of me all over again though.

As for my bullies, no worries about that because I can barely remember most of their faces or even their names. And I'm a whole state and country away from most of them now, so I'll probably never even run the risk of running into them ever again. (Not going to lie, I have fantasized the scenario though, so that I can spit on them)

Anonymous 67605

>>67588
>My mother would then make me comfort him, as he sometimes would feel guilty afterwards.
Ergh, that's just gross. I'm sorry anon. Do you find that this had an impact on your current self?

Anonymous 67641

>>67605
Yes, it has impacted me a lot; I was diagnosed with bpd a couple of years ago and I think a lot of my fear/confusion about relationships stems from my bizarre childhood experiences with my dad. I don’t trust men especially, which might not be a bad thing, but I do wish I could form real trusting connections with others. Thank I you for asking though, how are you holding up?

Anonymous 67654

Watching my mom kill my pet because she was mad at me (11)
Watching my dad set himself on fire (12)
Being pulled out of school so that I could just be my mom's emotional support maid, being isolated from the outside world (13)
Constant physical and mental abuse (12-now)
Getting tortured (17)

I have nothing inspiring to say about how it all gets better or how happy I am now. I briefly was the poster-child for a better life after trauma, but so many things fell back through when I was about 20. I hate people more than I can express in words because they are monsters who will do the most fucked up shit in the world the second you let them. I have no friends and I cannot make friends because the second they do something seedy I never speak to them again. I am at least in therapy now and in college and maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and I got an official diagnosis for PTSD which kind of helps.

Anonymous 67657

>>67654
Seconding misanthropy. What kind of pet was it and what was the story

(╯•﹏•╰) 67665

>be me, born into mentally ill, abusive and unstable family
>witness my dad beat all my siblings and mum
>gets molested by cousin at age of 5
>parents abandon me and younger sister in another
country for four years to be looked after by abusive auntie
>get groomed/molested in those 4 years
>auntie beat, tortured and bullied us. she would tie as up or stab us with forks
>gets physically hit in school by teachers bc shitty third world country
>move back to be homeless for a year
>start going to predominately school white school, is bullied nearly everyday for four years for ethnic features and being fat lol
>has witnessed every sibling suicide attempt and always supported brother during schizo breakdown
>both my cats been through traumatic experience with result of one of them dying

it doesnt end. i am legally homeless and have to reside with abusive family member. i just feel like ill never make it and find being alive not worth it. when does it get better.

Anonymous 67666

>>67657
It was a gerbil. When I was that age I really loved gerbils so that was the main pet I usually had. The story was me and my mom got into some kind of argument. I don't even remember what it was over so it had to have been something insignificant. She then picked up my gerbil's cage and threw it as hard as she could. Salt (my gerbil) was laying on the ground and convulsing and blood was coming out of his mouth. I picked him up and ran outside and down the street. He died very slowly and was losing clumps of hair and blood kept coming out of his mouth and nostrils. He finally died 12 hours later in my hands. I don't think my mom ever apologized.

Anonymous 67739

>>67665
>>67666
When You MOVE OUT And sever ties from these people things will get better. Just being ALONE is honestly better. A lot of people tend to kind of want something from you and suck you dry to get what they want. Its weird how people constantly do what other people expect them to, and never break away from a mould for the illusion that something good will come of it. Honestly Living by yourself is SO peaceful and so uncomplicated. You grow in a million ways when you have time to think in silence. You should really both try it. Even if it means taking a job for 10$ and having to get a room mate. Anything is better than that. If you're already living alone and don't enjoy it, its because you're listening to old lies you were forced to believe when you were young. For example that you need to be in a relationship or have children. Actually anything that complicates your life can make it unstable!

Anonymous 67752

>>67739
It's easy to say but very hard to do. I'm not saying it's not true, just that it's really really hard
I left my parents when I was seventeen and it took years for me to finally go no contact and stop talking with anyone in my abusive family. It's truly amazing to finally be free, not having to worries and start healing yourself, but the journey is so hard.

And then after that, I see my sister, who again and again go talk to our parents, want to be the nice little girl and get burned, insulted, humiliated shamed, even compared to me because I'm the "good child" now when I was the bad one when we were kids! They even make up email, texts or phonecall to say to her that I said that, I do that and she does not, fucked up things like that. Yet, the only person I communicate with is my sister, very unfrequently and by email, because I know if I did more she would just crash and destroy what I builded up

These kind of abusive environments are just shitty situations, there's no winning, you just have to accept that it's fucked up and go away, leave. Being an voluntary orphan with no family is better than this.

Anonymous 67791

>>67752
I agree it is. You have to figure out what you can do and you can't do. If you grew up with a lot of anxiety and it bombards you at you job and makes you screw up a lot of the first year, then you have to deal with that. If you have no friends then you have to deal with that. (My anxiety used to be HORRENDOUS it used to interfere with me at school and at my job. Even if I did well in school, I hated interacting with people)

But its like the only way to get revenge, is to do well. It doesn't matter how. I used to feel like I was clawing at everything in existence to get rid of my anxiety it was horrid. And therapists didn't really help me at all. The only thing that really took the edge off was zoloft which I really recommend. Also you know? The health insurance market place offers really great plans for people who don't have money. I pay 12$ a month now (It used to be 33$) for really awesome insurance that offers $1k max out of pocket for a year. It really saved me when I broke my ankle during an ice storm and had to have surgery, and when I needed zoloft. I don't know if this will be helpful of course, but just in case anyone needs it.. There it is

Anonymous 67793

>>67739
Dead gerbil anon here (lol). I'm currently trying to get out on my own. I thankfully did not fall for the lie that I have to have a husband and children and ties with my family to be happy. I spend a lot of time alone and meditating. I have a fiance, but he's drunk 24/7 and is usually an overbearing nuisance, so I spend a lot of time away from him. I don't know if this could be considered related or not, but with trauma people always expect you to be this inspiration story and spread love and light. I tried for a long time to be that, but it just wasn't working and was making me really hate myself. People expect so much out of people who already have the short end of the stick and I don't know why. I'm in a phase of my life of a lot of acceptance work and really looking at my life for what it is NOW rather than what it could be one day. I'm looking inward rather than desperately looking outwards to fix myself through nurturing. Trauma is hard. It's made me introspective, but it hasn't made me some wonderful beacon of light for others like people tend to hope for.

Anonymous 67795

>>67793
For me people never expect anything. Never communicate anything… never talk about anything… so I feel the opposite like I must escape the tendency to neglect myself and neglect order. Like at least if I'm thinking something positive I'm not a giant gaping rapidly deteriorating black hole.. if I think one negative thing .. I think it will be like a domino effect. My mind used to be so self destructive and I had no idea why. Then I fixed it through a lot of work. But who knows?

But I get how people expect way too damn much. They're never satisfied no matter what you do or with anything so you shouldn't care anyway.

I'm afraid of relationships with mmen also because I don't want to be emotionally reliant on one. It's probably stupid and irrational now but I became so careful about what I let into my life.. My minds like this intricately wound machine and I got it this way through a lot of work. I swear to fucking God if it ever blows apart again I'll murder. I'll end up in jail because I'll murder the guy that screws with my head again

Anonymous 67797

>>67795
If your trauma stems around being forgotten about, then it could be helpful for you to be mindful of yourself and others.
A lot of mine stemmed from having to BE the order for a bunch of dysfunctional morons, so for me excessive concern with order and whether everything is good and happy just makes me go back to my old loops and patterns of blaming myself for the sun setting at night and birds shitting on people's cars (metaphorically). I too often feel like if one more big thing happens I'm going to snap. Abuse awoke something really dark in me when I was 14 or so, and it hasn't really ever gone away.

Anonymous 67831

Serenity is absolutely blissful. It's the only thing that isn't a lie. I know what you mean, but I dont get half of what you're saying. I feel like I've had nothing but chaos around me, and that people are soul sucking and exhausting save for a tiny handful of people I like. on't really care about others or getting deeply involved with them because it's not ever gotten me anything but more stress. People are absolute hell. Honestly sticking to your own serenity is key or people will bulldoze it. In like any way they can.. It sounds like you were taken for a ride early. Like a massively pointless ride.

Anonymous 67835

Not one experience but my mom and brother getting in angry screaming matches too many times to count. It started when I was around 12 and I thought there was something wrong with me because every time I'd cry to my mom and beg her to stop she would reassure me by telling me I was overreacting and it was none of my business. I feel so sorry for her because she couldn't stop my brothers outbursts(he's bipolar) and she was just doing what she could for both of us, but it really fucked me up. I was just a kid and I wanted a peaceful home to sleep at night but the yelling was so loud and pervasive and they wouldn't fucking stop, once it got to the point where I had a very visceral panic attack at 2 am while listening to their fighting get worse and worse and I started screaming at the top of my lungs, my brother ran to his room and my mom came and yelled at me that she had enough shit to deal with without me "crying like a fucking little baby". My friends didn't want to talk about it, I had no one to go to, no where else to stay. I couldn't even scream or cry about it because my feelings were an inconvenience to everyone else. I had to comfort my mom when she was sobbing from frustration so many times. It was such torture and even if it couldn't be avoided I'm now so fucking angry it happened, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, all the bottled up emotions caught up with me in my late teens and it derailed my entire life. My mom is sympathetic and I know she didn't mean to take out her anger on me, even if I resented her for it a bit. I still don't like to show my emotions until I get to a breaking point, and I always find myself being irrationally angry at people for showing too much emotion. I don't trust people and I don't want their problems. It's hard for me to connect with people.

Anonymous 70576

probably attempting suicide in 4th grade and the fallout that ensued

Anonymous 70610

I'm nowhere near some of the metal shit posted itt, but I think my mom is a narcissist or has heavy narcissistic tendencies at the very least. I spent my childhood arguing with her or listening to her arguing with my step dad, which I hated and truly damaged me. The constant fighting in the house was very fucked up, but I normalised it, it was just normal coexistence in my head. I didn't experience the bliss of living with a normal person who loved me in a healthy way until I got out of my mom's and went to live with a boyfriend of mine. We argued like 3 times in 5 years, I couldn't fucking believe it. Even now we remain friends.

I resent my mom for her shitty personality and I don't think I can ever be 100% nice and friendly to her because I'm literally fed up with her. Every tiny little manipulation, diva complex attitude or bad word from her and I'm instantly over the edge.

If you are living like I was, yelling and getting yelled at, getting judged, telling and getting told hurtful things just because you're angry and lash out, made feel like there's something wrong with you for being introverted/timid/whatever, or being babied into oblivion only for later getting criticized for being incompetent, I want you to be aware that that shit is NOT NORMAL and you shouldn't tolerate it.

Healthy people that love one another are kind and polite among themselves and refrain from telling each other gratuitous hurtful shit. Healthy people don't start crying and drawing attention because they didn't like your Christmas gift. Healthy people don't yell at you like crazy for trivial things. It doesn't matter if they live, that's no excuse.

Anonymous 70632

>>67396
The fuck is wrong with your siblings? Are they autistic? Not that that’s an excuse but fuck…

Anonymous 70638

>>65449
Oh, what you describe is very similar to me. Sorry for replying to you two months late. I think it would be worth it for you to talk to a therapist about it, these are things my therapist helped me discover about myself after years of not knowing why I just had such a wall between myself and others. The other thing about PTSD is it's not always like on TV where they have hallucinations and all that, if you find yourself in a situation where something reminds you of your trauma and suddenly you feel strongly scared or anxious then that could be a flashback.

Anonymous 70640

>>65405
>I don't think you're being fair to yourself when you say you're fragile. What you describe sounds like absolute hell, especially at such a young age. It's understandable that damaged your ability to trust people when they're kind to you. That's an insane level of manipulation to go through. Don't be embarrassed, you have nothing to be ashamed of
Thank you for your kind words. Reading through this thread again I'm reminded to count my blessings. Thank you everyone for sharing.

Anonymous 70653

My father tried to murder me and my mother when I was a toddler. There are other really traumatic experiences I had as a kid, but that's probably the worst because of how much it fucked up the rest of my life and was the catalyst for a lot of other traumatic experiences I've had since then.

Anonymous 70655

My father being in and out of prison my entire childhood, it's left me so empty. A life spent on the run as a child has made me so paranoid, it's not right to be raised in that environment.
With that are the constant times I was kept up till 4-6am whilst my mother (and sometimes father if he wasnt in prison) would be partying downstairs. It would always end in screaming and/or violence, and I would be crying all night just wanting it to stop. I felt so sick all the time as I knew how the night would end.

Anonymous 70662

>>70653
Even if that were true you wouldn't have remembered it lmao

Anonymous 70667

1625474850722.gif

Mine is a bit nuanced. I have an illness called misophonia that developed sometime in middle school. It's a neurophysiological disorder related to sound processing and basically, it causes me to have a fight/flight/freeze response to certain sounds. Hearing these sounds is scary, feels physically painful, and gives me urges to kill the person making the noise or run away. Even now, describing my illness sounds like a joke and I hate telling people about it. The sounds that trigger this response in me are related to chewing sounds, swallowing, etc.

I told my parents around age 13 and they refused to get me professional help because they didn't believe me. As a child with no guidance on my illness and no control over my situation, I was always afraid. Misophonia affects your thoughts, feelings, and physiology. It makes you believe that anyone who makes the trigger sound near you is out to get you. I didn't know any better and was afraid of my parents. To this day, I believe that my dad sometimes ate or drank near me to test me and see my reaction.

Through the years without a diagnosis and experiencing daily what I can only describe as mental torture, I became increasingly anxious and depressed. I was constantly on edge and exhausted. I isolated myself out of fear even though I was desperate for any kind of emotional support. I self harmed and started to consider suicide around age 16. I was truly alone in any effort to better my situation, and nothing helped.

That year (16), my parents got me a psychologist and I agreed to exposure therapy. This is one of the most difficult and painful ways to try to treat misophonia and generally isn't advised as it can traumatize you further. It didn't traumatize me, but all I really gained from those months of "therapy" was general info on my condition and a diagnosis which I used for accommodations at school.

Now that I've moved out, it's easier to deal with it day by day. I still sometimes grieve the child that went through these things.

Something that deeply bothers me is that everything I suffered was in my head and therefore not real. I have friends who suffered physical abuse; my heart aches for them and it makes me feel shitty for complaining about my experience. I was the cause of all my family problems and my own loneliness. I think my dad blamed me partially and sometimes expressed true anger toward me, and I blamed myself fully the whole time.

Thank you for reading. As you can tell from the length, I don't often talk about it and it feels nice to unload.

Anonymous 70725

>>70667
I have misophonia too anon and I had similar experiences. In my middle school math class, for whatever fucking reason, a different student would literally sniffle every few seconds. I’m not exaggerating. Being in that classroom was just a constant trigger. I cringe because I would literally turn my head at the people who did it every time they sniffled like a weirdo. I couldn’t tolerate it and eventually started refusing to go to class. Holy shit why couldn’t they just blow their noses in a tissue and be done with the sniffling?
>To this day, I believe that my dad sometimes ate or drank near me to test me and see my reaction.
I still believe that my parents do this. It isn’t a delusion. Some people are assholes and genuinely think it’s entertaining to trigger you. My dad liked to eat food in front of me and my mom liked to talk with her mouth full in front of me.
>everything I suffered was in my head and therefore not real.
Would you tell a schizophrenic that their suffering “wasn’t real”?

Anonymous 70734

>>70725
Thank you for replying. It feels good to be reminded that I'm not alone and some people truly understand and relate.

>I would literally turn my head

lol I always glared at people in class when they triggered me. I think you sometimes feel more in control when you're keeping an eye on them. And the sniffles thing, I think some people have a tic.

I had one class in high school where I sat next to a girl who drank from her water bottle every few minutes. I was too scared to do anything about it except secretly listen to music with ear buds and just not hear anything that was going on for most of the class. I think that this one class contributed greatly to my becoming suicidal. My life improved considerably when I started skipping.

Sorry about your parents. It's really hard to be understood when you have this illness, but parents have a responsibility to be nice to their kids and show them respect.

>Would you tell a schizophrenic that their suffering “wasn’t real”?

You're right. I think I have a habit of adopting what I believe to be other people's views on myself (which is basically "you seem fine to me") so that I can better navigate social interactions, but in reality, expressing my own perspective is much more important.

Anonymous 70816

kidnapped from school lol

Anonymous 70817

>>70816
Story?

Anonymous 70860

"playing doctor" with a guy who babysitted me and this girl when we were visiting with my parents at her uncle's house,
i don't know who he was, i think it was a family friend or something, he did it while my parents were talking to said uncle downstairs, i was like 5-7 years old, i don't remember exactly
i repressed it for years and had a massive mental breakdown at 14 when i realized what happened, i don't rememeber what triggered it
i've never told my parents and never will, it would break their hearts to know that something like that happened right under their noses, it really fucked me up, even though i was lucky that it wasn't violent
i have a lot of survival guilt because many of my friends are also csa victims but have gone through much worse and here i am, comparing myself to them
oftentimes i wish more fucked up things had happened to me to justify why i'm so mentally ill now since i always feel like my trauma isn't traumatic enough and i'm exaggerating (i know it's a disgusting thing to wish for and i don't actually want it to happen, it's some weird cope ig)

Anonymous 70874

Found out both my dad and order brother (who I’m extremely close with) are both p3d0s. Makes you re-evaluate everything. Makes me worry it’s genetic.

Anonymous 70892

I wish I could make the school administrators who caused me so much childhood trauma fucking suffer. Fuck them.

Anonymous 71091

my mom being severely depressed all my life fucked me up. we had a few years of normalcy (happy family, celebrated holidays, ate meals together, went on trips/outings, etc.) when I was still young and cute and useful to her. then I got older and started becoming my own person and it all went to shit. but as for specific things, in order

walking in on my mother letting my childhood dog lick her through her underwear. I was too young to understand exactly what was happening but even then i knew it was something wrong. as soon as she noticed i was standing there she pushed him off and acted like nothing happened

never having boundaries respected.
I used to kiss my parents on the lips when I was a little kid, then started kissing their cheeks when I got a bit older. my dad understood that this was just me growing up and tried to get my mother to understand, but she was personally hurt by it and would grab me and forcibly kiss me on the lips. I still recoil from her touch and have never felt comfort from her hugs since then.
she'd go through my things and say it was fine because she owned me.
she still baby talks me as an adult knowing I don't like it, it makes me feel like a bratty teenager but hearing her voice in that cadence instantly fills me with rage. it's just a reminder that she has never seen me as a human being, just a doll she can use as she pleases to make herself happy

being asked several times growing up if I wanted to die with her, my sister, and the dogs. this ties in to the next thing.

getting into a car accident with her and my sister. the actual crash wasn't bad and didn't bother me at the time. but later on she told me that it was intentional, and that she was trying to kill us because of how depressed she was. it gave me a bad fear of cars. looking back on it, I think that if it were an actual murder-suicide attempt the crash would have been much worse. my theory is that she was manipulating me (she didn't tell my sister this, only me, and I was always the more emotional one) into getting upset and telling my father about this. the idea is that he would realize how unhappy he made her and divorce her for my sake. the realization that it was most likely mind games has fucked me up even further

tldr anon has mommy issues

Anonymous 71092

>>71091
Sorry to hear that anon. Hope you’ve managed to put some distance between you.

Anonymous 71093

>>71092
thank you. unfortunately I still live with her

Anonymous 71112

>>34206
Got molested and groomed daily between the ages of 3-5 by a neighbour who was also at the time my brothers close friend. I still live in the same house he raped me in, sometimes I wonder if that’s why I’m so dissociated and numb all the time? I never feel truely real. It feels like time is warped inside this house sometimes, I don’t know?
I miss my childhood rapist sometimes, he cared about me, he hugged me and kissed me and snuggled me. When he raped me and if I was in pain he would soothe me with cuddles, he was affectionate to me, but he also hurt me in many ways, so it’s hard. I’ve never wanted to live since then, everything is hard

Anonymous 71118

>>71112
This sounds like PTSD anon. You should work on getting out of there. As for him being nice to you, that was grooming so that you would let him and not run away and tell someone.

Anonymous 71233

>>71118
The housing market and rental prices where I live is out of this world, I’m in Canada and I live in one of the most expensive shittiest cities to exist. I don’t think there’s much hope for me, I can picture myself dying inside this house

Anonymous 72155

I had drug addict parents, my mom worked and my dad was on heroin all the time. Lots of sex abuse and neglect. I was homeless and drug addled myself for awhile and a lot of bad shit happened there too. I'm finally getting myself in a better place but damn it was hell.

Anonymous 72156

>>71112
My dad molested me at a similar age and it was v confusing because he wasn't a violent or sadistic pedo he was kind and loving towards me and treated me like a princess, he would always buy me stuff or take me places to get me to shut up but also violated me in the worst ways imaginable, i think it messed up my brain and gave me a really weird attitude to men and romantic relationships. You should probably get out of that house asap, sorry that happened to you, the fact it was your brother's good friend is even worse

Anonymous 72227

My dad committing suicide when I was 7 years old

Anonymous 73870

Sorry I know this is a dead thread but i need to vent, but my step dad sexually abused me, he never raped me, but i knew him half my life. I dont trust anything or anyone anymore. I told the police and no one believed me, i lost half my family until he got caught in a sting two years later.

A year later i was drugged with heroin and raped by another man. Then i got put in care because of it and i got groomed twice in care. I hate the world, I hate myself, I dont want to be perceived and i dont know what to do.

Anonymous 74429

>>72156
I’m sorry to hear that, it’s sad and tragic the ways they groomed us. I really do miss my rapist, he treated me better than anyone I’ve ever known

Anonymous 74431

okay i know nobody has posted here in the last week and idk if i’m supposed to sage or whatever because i just discovered that this site exists a few hours ago, but i feel like talking even if nobody reads this.

so, my dad overdosed when i was five and my sister had just turned one. i’m glad he’s dead now because he ruined my mother’s life. also he was a nazi. after he died i spent a year living with my mom and my sister. my mother became extremely depressed and psychotic. she would leave the house at night to go drink or take pills with random men. i didn’t even graduate kindergarten because she wouldn’t drive me to school. sometimes i would have to climb up onto the kitchen counter to get cereal so that my sister and i didn’t starve. she did some really scary and bizarre things that have impacted my ability to form attachments with others. after a year of this, my grandma got custody of us. i came home one day and the dogs were gone, started staying with random people like my teacher and some friends, and then moved to live with my grandma. i forget where my mom was when all this happened. it’s kinda just a blur, but at the same time, there’s parts of it i’ll never forget.

i feel bad for my mom because my dad was like ten years older than her when she gave birth to me at twenty years old. he abused her and got her hooked on hard drugs. but she still manipulated us for the rest of her life, even when she was in prison. i said some pretty horrible shit to her because she gave me a lot of trauma and i resented her for that. but six months ago, she hanged herself in one of the prison showers. i don’t know how to feel now. she suffered so much her entire life, and she made the lives of everyone around her miserable. but i was hoping that we could have at least been friends someday. maybe it’s for the best, but i feel so guilty for not keeping in touch with her.

Anonymous 74442

>>74431
anoo i read this and i think 1) im sorry that you went through so much at such a young age and 2) im sorry to say that you staying in touch with her wouldn’t have changed much, if anything. as much as it seems like you blame your dad, it was ultimately your mom’s choice to remain in misery with him. a choice she continued to make again and again. you can’t make miserable people less miserable and nothing you did or didn’t do would have pulled her out of the pit.


my traumatic event isnt much compared to most here but when i was a teenager i made friends with a man online, you know how it goes, anyways i was in love with him but also saw him as kind of a father figure and i told him about everything in my life for the next 2 years. one night i told him that id had my first sexual encounter with a boy and he flipped the fuck out on me, calling me an evil whore, slut, etc. asking how could i do that to him if i loved him so much, meanwhile he was soliciting nudes from preteens. he blocked me on everything and it completely destroyed me for several months i cant even remember what the fuck i did in that time period i thought wed never talk again. all i remember is deciding to become an actual slut. it was like my best friend and older brother and first love all rejected me at the same time and im over it by now but ill never forget how raw and painful and alone i felt for a while

Anonymous 79210

>>67666
>666
Numbers check out. What sort of sick fuck would sit there and stare at that for half a day? Even at 11 years old I'd know to put it out of its misery.

Anonymous 79352

my father was pretty neglectful, so the internet mostly raised me
my mother was pretty much out of the picture after 2 years old, i visited her occasionally and it was meh.
my father's girlfriend who I lived with was an un-diagnosed narcissist, but bipolar disorder was used as an excuse for everything

i can think of a lot of situations that were repetitively shitty among these three that formed me into what i am today, but i have no extreme event that speaks above all others.

i will probably try and kill a lot of people from my past if im ever unfortunate enough to meet them again and they rub me the wrong way though

Anonymous 79449

1655157251097.jpg

I've got a few that I'll rattle off
>got called "the ugliest girl in after school activity I was in"
>caught my crush kissing another girl
>got bullied mercilessly in front of a different crush on a daily basis, he never spoke up or cared
>in middle school some boys snuck up behind me at lunch and tried to shove chicken nuggets in my mouth
>got called fat ugly and unlovable on a daily basis for a year. Teachers never really gave a fuck and retaliation of any kind was actively punished
>girls would steal my shit from my locked in gym class
>"nice guy" creep moid wore me down until I agreed to date him in highschool, was a complete deviant and we broke up because he allegedly molested his sister. I hate him so much it's unreal.
>every year middle/high school did the thing around valentines day where you can anonymously send a rose to someone else. I was so hopeful every year but it never happened to me. This is one of the dumber things on the list but people are always surprised when they hear it.
And that's just school.
I had a shitty step-dad and two punk step brothers who would push me around for a while. My mom also thought it was a brilliant idea to raise me in the fucking woods with next to nobody so I was unsocialized and "that weird kid".

Anonymous 79458

When I was 5 I was molested by my two cousins in like this old shed. Then that same summer I went to go jump up and down on my grandpa to wake him up in the morning (he was my best friend) turns out he was dead. Then at 8 those same cousins came to stay with us and after about 4 months of them getting drunk and flashing me and grabbing me and other stuff like that. I told my mom what happened and she believed me but said I needed to learn how to forgive. That was the year I first tried to kill myself.

Anonymous 79788

don’t know if this belongs here but it was quite traumatic to me lol. It’s not about my trauma directly but when i was going through a traumatic period in my life as a teen (psychosis suddenly hit at 16, i was vulnerable so i started to get beaten in the home, lost a few family members etc) i had this friend who treated me like a personal lolcow. She would listen to me talk about these issues, try to convince me that my parents are good people and that i’m just imagining it even though i showed up with noticeable bruises that she could see and comment on from time to time. I was treated like i was crazy and once i saw my name in her phone called “pennywise” and i laughed it off because i didn’t wanna seem crazy. After my mental health cleared for a bit i gained the courage to ghost the cunt, and she still stalks and mimics my online movement to this day a couple of years later. I deleted all of my accounts but there’s still some important accounts she follows i won’t delete like spotify and she still checks it and acts accordingly.

Anonymous 79844

uh either my dad threatening to beat me up so bad i end up in hospital and chasing me (he did actually beat me later on but the threatening was more terrifying i think) or my mom getting drunk, telling me how much she hated me before passing out on the floor



[Return] [Catalog]
[ Rules / FAQ ] [ meta / b / media / img / feels / hb / x ]