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Living with someone with a serious disorder or disability Anonymous 34633

Part vent, part desperate plea for help…

My boyfriend whom I live with has OCD among other things. It wasn't a problem before, but the past 6 months it has been getting progressively worse. We spend 4-5 hours (possibly more, he cleans when I'm not home, too) cleaning every day. The whole apartment gets cleaned daily. We can't have any decorations because they'll quickly get "dirty" or become "dangerous." any niisefrom the upstairs or next door neighbors are because they're angry at us. Hands must be washed after everything. All surfaces constantly disinfected. If there's any splashing while washing, clothes must be changed, etc. Going out anywhere takes several hours of prep. After coming home, clothes must be taken off in the entryway, then one has to shower, then clean all areas where one walked (and hey, since you're cleaning already…. Do the other rooms, too!)

I desperately want him to get professional help, but he has trauma and is really distrustful of medical professionals. I offered to go to therapy /counseling together (no medications) but he refused.

I have my own disabilities and I know he's had to sacrifice to help me as well, so I'm usually patient and help. But all I do is work, clean, try to sleep but get waken up because something is dirty/dangerous, repeat. Sometimes for an hour or two he is back to his old self but then something happens and we're back to cleaning. It's so frustrating.

And of course I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel so isolated embarrassed, and frustrated that I can't do more and get won't get help.

Is anyone here in a similar situation (as either party)? What do you do? Any advice?

Anonymous 34634

When you go along with this and let it happen, you only end up enabling it. You need to put your foot down and affirm that he needs to stop. The next time this happens, refuse. Its hard to do because I know you love him, but he needs your help to stop, and enabling his behavior won't help.

Anonymous 34637

I left my boyfriend for OCD-related reasons. It was just impacting my life to such an extreme degree because him getting ready to do anything took so much prep that I was exhausted before we even started. Can you continue to put your own life and mental wellbeing on hold for someone else? Have you talked about it, what does he say? Is therapy an option? etc

Anonymous 34641

Honestly you need to set up boundaries op. Tell him that you already did this action and refuse to do it again so soon because it's becoming stressful for you and that you need a life outside of constantly cleaning. Reassure him letting him know that you do love him and want to be accommodating for him but this is getting too much for you and that you need a break because it's starting to affect your mental health as well. If he can't respect that and refuses to get therapy, I would suggest leaving since this isn't fair for you.

Anonymous 34659

Yeah no fuck that. I have a bit of cleaning OCD as well but I recognize it's 100% my problem and don't force other people to go along with it. If something dirty bothers me I'm the one who cleans it, even if I'm not the one who did it. I also realize I'm the one being irrational and would not refuse therapy if my bf said I needed it.
The only thing I bother others about is cleaning their hands after touching raw meat. That's it, and if they don't do it I just clean the stuff they touched later. This is no way to live, I can't see you two having a future like this. Do you?

Anonymous 34680

Wow, I wasn’t expecting this many replies… Thanks for giving me a lot to think about. All your replies are thoughtful and are helping a lot.

One of the problems is that I have no support network here… I’ve moved to a different country to be here (my choice). I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about personal problems or who would help me out by offering me a place to stay etc.

I support both of us (he paid for some trips when we started dating and supported me while I was job searching.) so I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck.

I reached out to my boyfriends mom for advice on how to help him, but she mostly just tells me to go along with it. She has a lot of similar issues herself plus some physical stress related issues. So she replies things like saying “there’s poison in the water” “there’s microscopic things in the air that are killing us” “someone is listening to us all the time” “the germs are laughing at me and trying to kill me” are normal. I refuse to believe this.

One of the biggest problems is that to enter our apartment building, one has to have a key. Guest can use an intercom to call an apartment and be let in. My boyfriend is convinced I will get the key dirty and contaminate the lock, or that I’ll lose the key. So I always have to use the intercom, and I can’t get in to my apartment if he’s not there or doesn’t want to let me in. I put my foot down last night and said I was taking a key with me tomorrow (today, now) and if that was a problem then I would be breaking up and leaving immediately. We’ll see how that goes, but I mean to keep my word.

I’ve been researching how to deal with OCD and this seems to be the general/professional advice. But in the past, he would lash out and not let me eat, sleep, etc. until I helped him.

I really don’t know how much longer I can live like this and I’ve been upfront with him about it recently. He absolutely refuses any professional help and insists he’s “normal.”

But we’ve been together for around 8 years (yeah, I’m also the forever girlfriend), and have helped each other through a lot of hardships. I’m officially the “head of the household “ of the apartment, but some of the bills are in his name, and the guarantee is one of his family members.

>you need to set up boundaries
I did this last night after passing him a new towel 5 times since they kept getting “dirty” , and a few other times. It helped a bit. I’ve told him it’s too much for me and it’s destroying our health, but he just counters that he’s normal and I’m acting mean and purposely being messy to hurt him (I’m not).

> cleaning their hands after touching raw meat.

Stuff like this I do while he’s in another room, and then wash my hands so it’s less stress for both of us. That’s how I started cleaning so much , it was much faster for me to do it than him. But now it’s a nightmare. I get home at 10pm and we usually don’t even start eating until 1 or 2 in the morning.

Anonymous 34682

>>34637 here.

>I really don’t know how much longer I can live like this and I’ve been upfront with him about it recently. He absolutely refuses any professional help and insists he’s “normal.”

He's not. You're not making it up and you're not being oversensitive. Maybe someone else would tolerate it, but you don't have to. How do you feel about him in general? Are you deeply in love? Or are you already resenting him and are only staying because you don't know how to get out?

>But we’ve been together for around 8 years (yeah, I’m also the forever girlfriend), and have helped each other through a lot of hardships. I’m officially the “head of the household “ of the apartment, but some of the bills are in his name, and the guarantee is one of his family members.

You're not the forever girlfriend, you're the mommy gf.

>I reached out to my boyfriends mom for advice on how to help him, but she mostly just tells me to go along with it.

Yeah no, that means you'd not only enable him, but make him worse by confirming his irrational fears and reinforcing them.

>My boyfriend is convinced I will get the key dirty and contaminate the lock

He's too far gone for you to help and this is too extreme for you to deal with.

>I have my own disabilities

Just curious, what are they?

>I’ve moved to a different country to be here (my choice). I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about personal problems or who would help me out by offering me a place to stay etc.

Were you aware of the extent of his OCD before you moved there? My heart goes out to you, that's an awful situation to be stuck in. Are you still in touch with friends or family from back home?

Anonymous 34684

It's good that you support him, that should give you the ability to negotiate. If he doesn't change or agree to get help he loses his financial support. Don't be afraid to use it.
Are you sure you want to fix things with him? It sounds more like you're putting up with it because you have nowhere else to go. It doesn't even look like you can reason with him, he sounds 100% mentally ill and detached from reality.

Anonymous 34689

>How do you feel about him in general?
It's at the point where I'm not sure how much my decision to stay this long is based on 1. Love 2. Length of our relationship 3. A feeling of debt to my boyfriend (he brings this up a lot lately which makes me feel like he's trying to use this to manipulate me into staying) 4. Feeling as though it will be difficult to separate and find new accommodations immediately and 5. My parents like my boyfriend (they don't know the extent of his problems but do think he goes overboard with cleanliness).

When he's acting like his old, normal self or when he's Carrington me I remember why I love him so much. But I'm always waiting for the next "emergency" that's going to have us cleaning again.

>Just curious, what are they?

I used to be a black-out drunk, would get very emotional and sometimes violent. I no longer drink but it was a serious problem.

I also had a serious medical emergency and was in in-patient for about a month, out-patient for months after, blah blah… I have brain damage and memory problems.

>Were you aware of the extent of his OCD before you moved there?

No. We met when I was studying in his country. We had planned for him to come live in the US eventually but after my emergency I moved to his country for better health care among other things. After living together he would sometimes jokingly give me a hard time about how messy I was, and I got better at being all-round more clean. About a year ago things started creeping up (spending 30+ minutes cleaning a single appliance every day, etc). About six months ago something broke in our apartment and caused a mess. Since then, the OCD has been getting progressively worse. About 6 months into dating I remember he want to a psychotherapist (? I think? They give medication and some minor therapy) on his mom's request. He was given some pretty strong stuff that would knock him out (like, falling asleep while driving). He stopped going when he researched some new medication he was prescribed and found it was for schizophrenia. He decided the doctor was experimenting on him. I recently learned he saw therapists when he was a kid, too.

I could move back in with my parents if it comes to that. Or find a cheap place to rent or roomshare

Anonymous 34690

I have OCD, and let me tell you, a lot of people with 'OCD' either don't have it, or do have it, and are just being assholes to everyone around them.

With real OCD, unless you are a kid, you completely recognize your fears are not realistic and the whole process is distressing. The best way I can describe it is, it feels like I didn't do something 'right', or that something is contaminated. And I have to repeat the ritual until I feel like I did it right.

I am thankful to my parents for putting up with my OCD as a teen and for getting me into therapy (exposure / response prevention, it helped a lot). I mostly have issues related to contamination fears, and checking things like locks, light switches, in sets of 4.

Things are either dirty, or clean. When I was younger I would be washing my hands until they were cracked and bleeding. I knew it was dumb but I felt compelled to, and I wished every day that my OCD would go away.

It's gotten better as I've got older (late 20s now). But I never imposed my problems or rituals on anyone who wasn't my mom or dad. And I never let it be a 'thing' in any relationship.

I never tried any medications.

Having OCD is no excuse to be a prick. Don't keep enabling him.

Anonymous 34698

OP here again. I've been stealing away time during work breaks to read and mull over everyone's comments. I expected to go home and have a serious conversation with my boyfriend. Some of the comments from anons managing OCD had me hopeful. After work I went grocery shopping as regular. Came home (it felt so good to be able to enter my apartment building like any other person who lives there!!!) and immediately took a shower. Came out. Boyfriend had been trying to get my attention while I was in the shower but I hadn't noticed (honestly I was really lost in considering where to go from here) Boyfriend was angry about the key. Told me the guaranteer family member didn't want me having a key either. I said without a key, I wasn't going to stay. He was upset and I tried to go around him (I'm still just wearing a bra at this point). He suddenly grabbed my neck and I yelled in surprise. Apparently I had stepped on his toe. He told me it was my fault for attacking him. So I told him calmly I was breaking up with him. Got dressed and went out. Sent an email to him mom saying that I ended the relationship and wanted to take care of everything that needs to be done calmly and correctly. It wasn't until I sent an email to my mom that what happened emotionally hit me. But I'm feeling calm now. I'll have to eat and go back soon, nowhere is open right now. Part of me keeps thinking things like "oh, since I'm out I should buy floor wipes since I used the last one" and thinking about how maybe this isn't final and we can fix things. But I do think it's best if we're not together.

Anonymous 34700

It's too much anon. You need to find somewhere else. This is why you don't settle down quickly.

Anonymous 34701

Uh no, this can't be worked on. He assaulted you, you fucking dumbass

Anonymous 34702

I hope things go well for you! Keep us updated.
I think you did the right thing given how quickly the violence escalated. I've never seen anybody attack someone else because they accidentally hurt them. My bf would definitely never do that. It really sounds like he is schizophrenic, I don't think there's anything you can do. He'll probably need to be forcefully hospitalized to get better. Be careful when you go back, I hope he doesn't try to hurt you again out of spite.

Anonymous 34703

You did the right thing. You're probably going to struggle with this decision for a while (especially because you made it in the spur of the moment) but it was a long time coming and I commend you for breaking up immediately when he assaulted you instead of making excuses. I hope you can move back home without much drama. Please keep posting, I want to see an "I'm home" update!

Anonymous 34705

I got home and we were both pretty calm. After talking a bit I figured out A LOT happened when I was at work. His mom came and got him to go to a therapist and try to make an appointment. He was really freaking out so they asked him to go home and do a phone session first. It brought back a lot of bad memories and he's been out of it all day. I was definitely quick to assume and there was bad communication on both of our ends. We agreed I would see someone as well (maybe a different doctor, TBD).

Anonymous 34709

If you're going to try to work things out I would AT LEAST stay in another place for a while. Spend time alone, see what life without this would be like and then decide if you want to stay.

Anonymous 34735

I've been violent towards him multiple times, which is why he reacted that way. Which I know is impossible to know from just reading my post. But looking at it objectively I can understand his reaction as self -defense. I think he was trying to stop me and I panicked when his hand touched my neck (also understandable).

Moving out temporarily is just not possible for me financially.

And now that I understand he's contacted a professional and in the process of making an appointment, he's doing exactly what I've asked of him, and I'm in possession of one of the keys. He's in a lot of mental and physical pain and it would be cruel to leave him alone when he's suffering through a big life change.

Last night and this morning he was clearly more thoughtful about what he asked me to do. He mostly just asked me to be patient while he did things himself and didn't ask me to do multiple things. I genuinely feel like now that he's motivated to face this, I want to help him out of love instead of a feeling of debt or expectation.

Anonymous 34736

holy dysfunctional relationship guacamole

Anonymous 34745

>I've been violent towards him multiple times
yeah…you two really need to just go separate ways.

Anonymous 34763


Probably. But either way we both need to fix our problems. Maybe we can both grow through this and reach some sort of functioning, healthy relationship?

Anonymous 34765

I have OCD too.

>I mostly have issues related to contamination fears, and checking things like locks, light switches

Me too, but in my case have been difficult to get therapy (my family doesn't help too much either), I've tried by myself but I always fail ;__;

I really hate It, I feel exhausted, my hands sometimes bleed, and there are things I want to do but feel like I just can't.

I've never had bf, but thinking that that person has to deal with my problems It's something that only makes me realize that until I don't get some help, therapy or take medication I will never can have one.

Honestly I have no hope…

Sorry for my poor english ;__;

Anonymous 34779

I wash my hands sometimes until they get cracked and bleed, I found that using moisturizing soap helps with the dryness. A good soap with moisturizing oils and anti-bacterial chems is good.

You shouldn't take medication unless it is necessary because its expensive and some OCD meds can radically change your brain chemistry in very bad ways.

stay strong

Anonymous 34844

OP again,
We went to my boyfriend's family's house over the weekend (for unrelated reasons to our argument /situation). There have been OCD situations but they didn't bloom into the full-blown day-long problems they would've in the past. (halfway to the house, he remembered we didn't take out the trash. There's fish in the trash. UT took probably 30-45 minutes to convince him the fish wouldn't leak out and ruin the flooring while we were gone. In the past we probably would've had to go back and throw it out and probably clean up after and probably have to cancel our visit. Also his mom got mad at him when she realized how much he expects me to clean/take care of things for him. So I feel reassured that it's not just me being a bitch when I refuse to do things multiple times or when I say "that's something you need to take care of if you want done."

I'm sorry for the pain you're in, keep working at it. Don't lose hope. :(

Anonymous 34858

Sometimes doesnt sound convincing, you should wash it everytime after you go to toilet, and after you went from outside. I know from a personal experience, that women are neglecting basic hygiene rules, do not be that woman.

Anonymous 34870

reading comprehension, she's saying sometimes she washes them too hard not that she only washes them occasionaly…

Anonymous 36179

Anyone who have OCD/similar problems, could you help me (op) again, please? My boyfriend was at the point yesterday where is body was like… Seizuring because he didn't hest all day because everything was dirty. He managed to finally give in and eat, and I helped, but got called a bitch constantly for "making mistakes."

I came home from work and he said he had been cleaning all day, everything was dirty and worse than before, and we can't use our appliances any more because they're dirty… He says he can't live in the apartment any more, but no where else is safe, either. I tried to make some kind of plan with him for an hour, but nothing would "Help" for him. I finally just left the apartment (didn't get mad, just said I had to leave and eat some). Am I making the situation worse? What should I be doing to actually help? I'm thinking he'll tire himself out to the point where he'll either give up and eat food or sleep, and then I can go in and clean and try to "fix" things.. Am I being a psycho here?

Anonymous 36180

The second paragraph should start "I came home from work today and…

Anonymous 36184

OP, I just read the whole thread. You need to break up with this guy and go back to your own country. Ask your family, friends, or even his family to lend you money. Maybe when he gets treatment you can try again but not now. He is being controlling, verbally, and physically abusive. You need to leave.

By the way, the schizophrenia drugs will have been anti-psychotics. These are for when delusions can’t be helped by therapy alone. There seems to be some debate or not whether anti-psychotics work for OCD. Either way, your bf needs serious help if they prescribed him some.

Anonymous 36187

So all the things you talked about before didn't work and he got worse. And he's still insulting you.
I would tell you to leave but you clearly love being abused so you won't. Go see a shrink because you're also mentally ill. Maybe then you'll realize you have no obligation to live with a controlling, abusive, manipulative asshole just because he has schizophrenia. People like him need professional help, not another mentally ill enabler like you.

Anonymous 36188

Not OP but I don't think he has schizophrenia (he doesn't sound like it anyway from this thread). I think he was given anti-psychotics which are also used to treat schizophrenia.

Anonymous 36194

Alright listen up. I suffered OCD for way too long in my life and those are years I'll never get back. I did everything your boyfriend did. The moment I stepped into the door, clothes had to go off and I had to get into the shower. When starting off with my OCD, I would frequently wash my hands. At first I needed to do two cycles of squirting soap onto my hands and then rinsing. It eventually became Thirty Fucking Two. It's a slope as slippery as the soap I became well-acquainted with.

My parents did everything they could to accommodate me but things only got worse. You wanna know the secret? How I recovered?


You can't ease him into it, you can't resist but ultimately give in. No, it's cold turkey or nothing. If he freaks out about something silly, refuse to help. It doesn't matter how much he begs, pleads, or accuses you, you must stay strong. Obviously you aren't planning on leaving the guy because you would've long before now so know this:

Someone with OCD will never get over it on their own. It's too safe for them to keep up the status quo. Believe me, it's nice in the comfort zone. If you do nothing or take meaningless "baby steps", it will NEVER be resolved. Tell me, are you prepared to be scrubbing everything all day 50 years from now? Your back is hurting, your hair is gray, your house still devoid of any significant items, and your elderly boyfriend sobbing in the corner as you secretly wonder when he'll finally hit the dust because you want out, you've wanted out for so long.

I'm not saying break up with the guy because I know you won't. I'm saying do nothing to help him. That's the only way he'll ever consider moving on and recovering. Maybe then that will restore some love to your lives as well. I can't imagine there's much romance going on when you two are at each other's throats metaphorically and physically, with the latter resulting in him rushing to the bathroom to scrub his hands because he touched you without making sure you were "safe".

Anonymous 36195

I too developed some mild OCD, such as having to wash my hands after touching raw meat/certain vegetables, body fluids and body parts, and contaminated surfaces. And ever since I met my bf it started going away because I was forced to do all those things because I didn't want him to think I was weird. Now I am much more comfortable touching things I hated before. All because he didn't accommodate me and I was forced to quit my OCD habits while being around him.

Anonymous 36196

>I too developed some mild OCD, such as having to wash my hands after touching raw meat/certain vegetables, body fluids and body parts, and contaminated surfaces.
That’s normal anon. Some of those things can make you sick.

Anonymous 36207

I'm trying to tell him I'm not doing the crazy cleaning (he now wants us to use a wet wipes the whole apartment floor every time we use the bathroom… Which he says is normal). I keep saying I want to break up and not be his nurse any moment he won't stop. He kept me in the bath for six hours last night and wouldn't let me leave.

Anonymous 36208

OP, you need to just leave ASAP. This is escalating like crazy. Don't wait for his permission or to tell him, just pack up what you can and leave now.

Anonymous 36214

It turns out I was misunderstanding the floor wiping, he just wanted me to do it this morning. It really is escalating. But I don’t have any where or any money to go. But maybe I’m escalating things as well because I’m unhappy. I just want quiet and time to live without constant cleaning and/or being berated.

I think part of it is we have been together so long… I keep saying it’s over, it’s not good for both of us, But he has invested so much into the relationship (and I owe him money). I don’t think I’ve even ever had a friend longer than 8 years. We are kind of talking about splitting up the apartment so there’s a space for me and a space for him. But I don’t know how that will actually work out. He doesn’t “allow” me to cook because he thinks I’ll ruin the appliances, leave the gas on, etc. it’s hell and I feel like I’m going crazier and crazier.

Anonymous 36217

You're being abused. Imagine if an elderly person or a child was put through that kind of treatment. People would call the cops and the guy would get taken away for abuse. Don't worry about what you "owe" him. Money can be paid later, and he has destroy the relationship he invested in so there's no need to feel bad about leaving it. This is his fault. He's most likely just keeping you around because you're "safe" and he needs you to do things he doesn't want to do, and not because he genuinely loves you. If he did he wouldn't make you slave away cleaning and abuse you verbally. His mind probably can't even feel love or empathy right now. He needs professional help and it's not going to happen with you around. Take your time but set your goal on leaving in the near future.

Anonymous 36219

OP, this anon is right >>36217
Your situation is starting to sound like modern slavery. You are being forced to work ridiculous hours cleaning, not allowed any independence, punished if you disobey, and having a debt held over your head that you cannot repay.

Ask everyone you know to lend you money so you can leave. You can worry about repaying debts later. Also look up a women’s shelter.

Anonymous 36332

Hey guys, thanks for your advice and input. It really, really helps to have someone "listening." There are still times where I feel like I'm being verbally abused (getting chewed out for an hour because I cracked open my soft-sided egg "too hard" and then "contaminated" the floor by taking my used plate to the sink) these events are starting to lessen. He's also continuing getting professional help. However, I also have to be more compassionate and understanding. I've tried that while also standing my ground to a degree, and it seems like it's helping both of us. I'd like to have a couples session with his psychiatrist, but I don't see that happening in the near future.

Anonymous 36333

OP, you're being understanding enough already.

Anonymous 36334

OP like other people have said nothing will get permanently better until you force him to change and stop accommodating him. Please stop blaming yourself. You are not supposed to be "understanding" with a crazy person, it should be the other way around.
The more time you waste trying to save this skinning ship, the more you'll regret it later on.

Anonymous 36375

I don't think how I've been treated is "normal" or good, nor do I think I need to or can fix it by myself. But I've been looking at the situation pretty selfishly. I don't think I mentioned it in thread, but pretty early on the doctor he's seeing ruled out OCD. So I was probably aggravating the situation trying to treat it like OCD.

Things still suck but we're both making good progress. He's gotten hand washing down to 1-2 times (when I'm around, at least). he still takes things to the extreme (there was a droplet of juice on the mouth of the carton where the cap screws on, but if I wiped it the mouth would be dirty, so I couldn't put it on the fridge…) but not to the extremes of before where our quality of life was severely hindered.

Anonymous 36378

God, just leave him anon.

Anonymous 36383

Just remember to get therapy too once this is over. Your behavior isn't normal either.

Anonymous 36517

I have a serious phobia of sound. Not every sound, just "man-made" sounds like from machines or footsteps or music. I'm ok with nature sounds or sounds I cause like if I'm the one who turns on the TV but I freeze up and can't focus on anything if there's a sound someone else is causing. I'm pretty sure this comes from my childhood where I spent a lot of time doing nothing but listening for sounds my parents made, like if they turned off the TV and started walking toward my room I'd freak out cause I knew they were coming to yell at me. I'm fine when I'm out of my house but when I'm at home I can't focus on anything since my roommates are always walking around and making noise. It's even worse since I have extreme anxiety of being interrupted when I'm working on a task and even when I'm alone in the house I get so anxious knowing it's only a matter of time before the noise comes back and someone will interrupt what I'm working on. Idk how I'm ever gonna live with someone I like if I can't get over this.

op 37916

You guys were right. I thought things were getting better but they're not. I thought he was still contacting the doctor after episodes but he deleted the phone number for "safety." This is hell. We were finally going to eat dinner tonight (at one am… And I have to get up before eight to take out the garbage (and then take a shower) but he let his phone touch the tub while he was getting out of the bath and now thinks the whole phone and bathroom area is dirty again. I'm going crazy. Like really, I can be calm and supportive for a while everyday but when I do everything and it's still not enough and he insists it's normal and that I'm being uncooperative… I just freak out. I've had a legit breakdown every night this week and my ability to function throughout the day is obviously decreasing. A coworker even asked if I was OK because I looked like I was going to fall down. You guys are right.

Anonymous 37919

So glad to hear you have come to your senses OP. What are you planning to do now?

>he let his phone touch the tub while he was getting out of the bath and now thinks the whole phone and bathroom area is dirty again

How does this even work in his head.

Anonymous 37922

OP shitposted on the phone

Anonymous 37969

I have OCD and have been prescribed three different anti-psychotics, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel, the first two made me feel horrible and really exacerbated my symptoms while Seroquel actually helped a bit.

Anonymous 37988

OP I don't want to sound mean but I just want you to know that you're my favorite thread of cc right now because I find it fascinating how you chose to stay in such a crazy and inhuman relationship. Like this is genuine psycho behavior but you still put up with it and tried to make the impossible work. It's killing you mentally and physically but you still can't bring yourself to leave for good. It's fascinating, like those movies about women who were kidnapped for decades and had multiple chances to leave and get help but never did.

Anonymous 37990

This is pretty standard in domestic violence relationships sadly:

>be vulnerable

>new partner treats you nice for a bit
>get comfortable
>partner slowly starts treating you badly
>tells you it is your fault
>blame yourself for their actions
>gets worse and worse

You should read "Why Does He Do That?".

op 38014

I think I mentioned it earlier in the thread, but I’ve never had any kind of relationship that’s lasted for the length that we’ve been together, outside of family members. And I’ve never had as deep of a relationship either.

I’ve also never had to be on my own. I’ve never really had to support myself with no backup net, none of my accomplishments were achieved on my own, I’m not smart or clever, and I avoid conflict and things that make me uncomfortable.

I’m trying to be more responsible and less selfish. But everything is falling apart and I can’t handle it.

I’m going to the doctors tomorrow to start the process of getting therapy or whatever it is I need to crawl out of this mess.

Anonymous 38015

OP please just leave and go back home.

Anonymous 38044

I've been thinking about it more often lately. But if I moved back home I'd be going back to a host of different problems. My family is very supportive but we're not close and we don't get along very well.

Blegh. Like, things were going so well last night. He was letting some "messy" things slide and I was helping clean/avoid messy things and we were laughing and it felt normal. I was tired but it felt good to see him relaxed and laughing and happy. And then he asked me to open a new bottle of cooking wine, and he was convinced I'd gotten water in it and it would mold… And then I freaked out and got angry because it was 2am and I was tired and didn't want to clean any more that I just exploded and we had an argument until 6 in the morning. I couldn't make it to the doctors in time to get an appointment because I slept until the afternoon….

Anonymous 38045

damn that sounds exhausting.

sorry if you mentioned this, but how hard would it be for you to become financially independent?

good luck op. the world is too big to be anchored down like that.

Anonymous 38053

Would the problems at home really be worse than what you're going through right now?

Also how would you even get water in a wine bottle? Sounds like he's just looking for things to argue about. Why would he ask you to do it if he couldn't trust you?

Anonymous 38058

>Sounds like he's just looking for things to argue about.
Not OP but I don't think he is doing this on purpose. From the anti-psychotics drugs and the other incidents described here, it sounds like he is unable to see that what he is doing is wrong, like someone with schizophrenia or in a maniac state. Crazy people don't think they are crazy. To them everything is perfectly logical. Often our brain will throw up a thought of something to do but our mind will say "nah, don't do that, not a good idea, too much cleaning". For OP's bf, his brain is producing crazy cleaning ideas but his mind is agreeing with them. He he needs medication to shut that part of his brain off.

Anonymous 38152

Last night I finally just went out to the car to sleep. I did the same thing tonight after coming home, doing the whole cleaning routine, more cleaning while he took out frustration on me… Finally snapped at 1am tonight when we were finally about to eat dinner and he freaked out that my hand had passed over a chair after I had thrown something away, contaminating the chair. The last straw was when he said that I had avoided it on the way to the garbage "like a normal person" but was stupid on the way back. When I insisted it wasn't normal to be so upset in this situation he got mad and I didn't want to fight or blow up so I just left.

>Sounds like he's just looking for things to argue about. Why would he ask you to do it if he couldn't trust you?

Sometimes he does purposely put me in situations where he knows I'll probably lie (asking me to do some gargantuan task that there's no need for and has already been done x times before) but only when he suspects I'm not doing what I say I'm doing. The reason he has me do it despite knowing I won't do it to his standards is because he has extremely high standards. He spent two hours washing and rehashing the shower head last night and still wasn't convinced of/the bath was clean.

The wine had a plastic safety seal, and he had asked me to waah my hands before opening it.

I'm financially independent and pay the rent, water, and for food. We would both manage without each other financially; we'd probably both have more money. Especially him.

Honestly I just want to go home and sleep but I can't do more showers and cleaning.

Anonymous 38169

>I'm financially independent and pay the rent, water, and for food.
Kick him out then. Send him to his parents or an inpatient clinic. Just get him out your life already.

Anonymous 38527

I think I have to realize it's not going to be a linear progression. The same goes for me. We've had some arguments, but after some seemingly small changes things are getting better for the time being. I finally had a full night's sleep last night and we had a nice meal together this morning. We're looking into couples counseling. Lately his family visited and privately told me "anon really doesn't seem like himself,he really needs help." So his mom his helping me now.

Anonymous 45297

Is this anon still around? What did you end up doing? How are things now?

Anonymous 45311

He was a lot better for one week in August that I had off. It was really nice and I thought things would get back to normal.

It’s still bad, I have to do all the chores and he’s convinced he’s going to get corona if he goes into the front hallway after the front door is opened. Toilet has to be cleaned every time someone poops. Kitchen has to be wiped down several times a day. Everything that enters the apartment has to be washed. He does none of this himself, yet he spends all day cleaning. He’ll clean the sink 10 times a day. He washes his hands for 10 minutes straight and still thinks they’re dirty.. But he doesn’t throw away his empty cans or trash.

I’m literally going insane and having breakdowns all the time. I’m going to start saving money and probably move back in with my parents once travel is possible again. I don’t want to but I don’t know how else to leave. I got a recommendation from a doctor to see a professional so I’m going soon.

Anonymous 45312

I’ve also tried multiple times to break up but he won’t. I told his mom we were no longer together and she told me she was concerned for me and wanted me to get mental help (which obviously I do need, but not for the reasons she thinks).

Anonymous 45314

Glad to hear you are making plans to leave. Wish you the best anon.

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