Living with someone with a serious disorder or disability Anonymous 34633
Part vent, part desperate plea for help…
My boyfriend whom I live with has OCD among other things. It wasn't a problem before, but the past 6 months it has been getting progressively worse. We spend 4-5 hours (possibly more, he cleans when I'm not home, too) cleaning every day. The whole apartment gets cleaned daily. We can't have any decorations because they'll quickly get "dirty" or become "dangerous." any niisefrom the upstairs or next door neighbors are because they're angry at us. Hands must be washed after everything. All surfaces constantly disinfected. If there's any splashing while washing, clothes must be changed, etc. Going out anywhere takes several hours of prep. After coming home, clothes must be taken off in the entryway, then one has to shower, then clean all areas where one walked (and hey, since you're cleaning already…. Do the other rooms, too!)
I desperately want him to get professional help, but he has trauma and is really distrustful of medical professionals. I offered to go to therapy /counseling together (no medications) but he refused.
I have my own disabilities and I know he's had to sacrifice to help me as well, so I'm usually patient and help. But all I do is work, clean, try to sleep but get waken up because something is dirty/dangerous, repeat. Sometimes for an hour or two he is back to his old self but then something happens and we're back to cleaning. It's so frustrating.
And of course I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel so isolated embarrassed, and frustrated that I can't do more and get won't get help.
Is anyone here in a similar situation (as either party)? What do you do? Any advice?
When you go along with this and let it happen, you only end up enabling it. You need to put your foot down and affirm that he needs to stop. The next time this happens, refuse. Its hard to do because I know you love him, but he needs your help to stop, and enabling his behavior won't help.
I left my boyfriend for OCD-related reasons. It was just impacting my life to such an extreme degree because him getting ready to do anything took so much prep that I was exhausted before we even started. Can you continue to put your own life and mental wellbeing on hold for someone else? Have you talked about it, what does he say? Is therapy an option? etc
Honestly you need to set up boundaries op. Tell him that you already did this action and refuse to do it again so soon because it's becoming stressful for you and that you need a life outside of constantly cleaning. Reassure him letting him know that you do love him and want to be accommodating for him but this is getting too much for you and that you need a break because it's starting to affect your mental health as well. If he can't respect that and refuses to get therapy, I would suggest leaving since this isn't fair for you.
Yeah no fuck that. I have a bit of cleaning OCD as well but I recognize it's 100% my problem and don't force other people to go along with it. If something dirty bothers me I'm the one who cleans it, even if I'm not the one who did it. I also realize I'm the one being irrational and would not refuse therapy if my bf said I needed it.
The only thing I bother others about is cleaning their hands after touching raw meat. That's it, and if they don't do it I just clean the stuff they touched later. This is no way to live, I can't see you two having a future like this. Do you?
Wow, I wasn’t expecting this many replies… Thanks for giving me a lot to think about. All your replies are thoughtful and are helping a lot.
One of the problems is that I have no support network here… I’ve moved to a different country to be here (my choice). I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about personal problems or who would help me out by offering me a place to stay etc.
I support both of us (he paid for some trips when we started dating and supported me while I was job searching.) so I live pretty much paycheck to paycheck.
I reached out to my boyfriends mom for advice on how to help him, but she mostly just tells me to go along with it. She has a lot of similar issues herself plus some physical stress related issues. So she replies things like saying “there’s poison in the water” “there’s microscopic things in the air that are killing us” “someone is listening to us all the time” “the germs are laughing at me and trying to kill me” are normal. I refuse to believe this.
One of the biggest problems is that to enter our apartment building, one has to have a key. Guest can use an intercom to call an apartment and be let in. My boyfriend is convinced I will get the key dirty and contaminate the lock, or that I’ll lose the key. So I always have to use the intercom, and I can’t get in to my apartment if he’s not there or doesn’t want to let me in. I put my foot down last night and said I was taking a key with me tomorrow (today, now) and if that was a problem then I would be breaking up and leaving immediately. We’ll see how that goes, but I mean to keep my word.>>34634
I’ve been researching how to deal with OCD and this seems to be the general/professional advice. But in the past, he would lash out and not let me eat, sleep, etc. until I helped him.>>34637
I really don’t know how much longer I can live like this and I’ve been upfront with him about it recently. He absolutely refuses any professional help and insists he’s “normal.”
But we’ve been together for around 8 years (yeah, I’m also the forever girlfriend), and have helped each other through a lot of hardships. I’m officially the “head of the household “ of the apartment, but some of the bills are in his name, and the guarantee is one of his family members.>>34641>you need to set up boundaries
I did this last night after passing him a new towel 5 times since they kept getting “dirty” , and a few other times. It helped a bit. I’ve told him it’s too much for me and it’s destroying our health, but he just counters that he’s normal and I’m acting mean and purposely being messy to hurt him (I’m not).
> cleaning their hands after touching raw meat.
Stuff like this I do while he’s in another room, and then wash my hands so it’s less stress for both of us. That’s how I started cleaning so much , it was much faster for me to do it than him. But now it’s a nightmare. I get home at 10pm and we usually don’t even start eating until 1 or 2 in the morning.
>I really don’t know how much longer I can live like this and I’ve been upfront with him about it recently. He absolutely refuses any professional help and insists he’s “normal.”
He's not. You're not making it up and you're not being oversensitive. Maybe someone else would tolerate it, but you don't have to. How do you feel about him in general? Are you deeply in love? Or are you already resenting him and are only staying because you don't know how to get out?
>But we’ve been together for around 8 years (yeah, I’m also the forever girlfriend), and have helped each other through a lot of hardships. I’m officially the “head of the household “ of the apartment, but some of the bills are in his name, and the guarantee is one of his family members.
You're not the forever girlfriend, you're the mommy gf.
>I reached out to my boyfriends mom for advice on how to help him, but she mostly just tells me to go along with it.
Yeah no, that means you'd not only enable him, but make him worse
by confirming his irrational fears and reinforcing them.
>My boyfriend is convinced I will get the key dirty and contaminate the lock
He's too far gone for you to help and this is too extreme for you to deal with.
>I have my own disabilities
Just curious, what are they?
>I’ve moved to a different country to be here (my choice). I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about personal problems or who would help me out by offering me a place to stay etc.
Were you aware of the extent of his OCD before you moved there? My heart goes out to you, that's an awful situation to be stuck in. Are you still in touch with friends or family from back home?
It's good that you support him, that should give you the ability to negotiate. If he doesn't change or agree to get help he loses his financial support. Don't be afraid to use it.
Are you sure you want to fix things with him? It sounds more like you're putting up with it because you have nowhere else to go. It doesn't even look like you can reason with him, he sounds 100% mentally ill and detached from reality.
>>34682>How do you feel about him in general?
It's at the point where I'm not sure how much my decision to stay this long is based on 1. Love 2. Length of our relationship 3. A feeling of debt to my boyfriend (he brings this up a lot lately which makes me feel like he's trying to use this to manipulate me into staying) 4. Feeling as though it will be difficult to separate and find new accommodations immediately and 5. My parents like my boyfriend (they don't know the extent of his problems but do think he goes overboard with cleanliness).
When he's acting like his old, normal self or when he's Carrington me I remember why I love him so much. But I'm always waiting for the next "emergency" that's going to have us cleaning again.
>Just curious, what are they?
I used to be a black-out drunk, would get very emotional and sometimes violent. I no longer drink but it was a serious problem.
I also had a serious medical emergency and was in in-patient for about a month, out-patient for months after, blah blah… I have brain damage and memory problems.
>Were you aware of the extent of his OCD before you moved there?
No. We met when I was studying in his country. We had planned for him to come live in the US eventually but after my emergency I moved to his country for better health care among other things. After living together he would sometimes jokingly give me a hard time about how messy I was, and I got better at being all-round more clean. About a year ago things started creeping up (spending 30+ minutes cleaning a single appliance every day, etc). About six months ago something broke in our apartment and caused a mess. Since then, the OCD has been getting progressively worse. About 6 months into dating I remember he want to a psychotherapist (? I think? They give medication and some minor therapy) on his mom's request. He was given some pretty strong stuff that would knock him out (like, falling asleep while driving). He stopped going when he researched some new medication he was prescribed and found it was for schizophrenia. He decided the doctor was experimenting on him. I recently learned he saw therapists when he was a kid, too.
I could move back in with my parents if it comes to that. Or find a cheap place to rent or roomshare
I have OCD, and let me tell you, a lot of people with 'OCD' either don't have it, or do have it, and are just being assholes to everyone around them.
With real OCD, unless you are a kid, you completely recognize your fears are not realistic and the whole process is distressing. The best way I can describe it is, it feels like I didn't do something 'right', or that something is contaminated. And I have to repeat the ritual until I feel like I did it right.
I am thankful to my parents for putting up with my OCD as a teen and for getting me into therapy (exposure / response prevention, it helped a lot). I mostly have issues related to contamination fears, and checking things like locks, light switches, in sets of 4.
Things are either dirty, or clean. When I was younger I would be washing my hands until they were cracked and bleeding. I knew it was dumb but I felt compelled to, and I wished every day that my OCD would go away.
It's gotten better as I've got older (late 20s now). But I never imposed my problems or rituals on anyone who wasn't my mom or dad. And I never let it be a 'thing' in any relationship.
I never tried any medications.
Having OCD is no excuse to be a prick. Don't keep enabling him.
OP here again. I've been stealing away time during work breaks to read and mull over everyone's comments. I expected to go home and have a serious conversation with my boyfriend. Some of the comments from anons managing OCD had me hopeful. After work I went grocery shopping as regular. Came home (it felt so good to be able to enter my apartment building like any other person who lives there!!!) and immediately took a shower. Came out. Boyfriend had been trying to get my attention while I was in the shower but I hadn't noticed (honestly I was really lost in considering where to go from here) Boyfriend was angry about the key. Told me the guaranteer family member didn't want me having a key either. I said without a key, I wasn't going to stay. He was upset and I tried to go around him (I'm still just wearing a bra at this point). He suddenly grabbed my neck and I yelled in surprise. Apparently I had stepped on his toe. He told me it was my fault for attacking him. So I told him calmly I was breaking up with him. Got dressed and went out. Sent an email to him mom saying that I ended the relationship and wanted to take care of everything that needs to be done calmly and correctly. It wasn't until I sent an email to my mom that what happened emotionally hit me. But I'm feeling calm now. I'll have to eat and go back soon, nowhere is open right now. Part of me keeps thinking things like "oh, since I'm out I should buy floor wipes since I used the last one" and thinking about how maybe this isn't final and we can fix things. But I do think it's best if we're not together.
It's too much anon. You need to find somewhere else. This is why you don't settle down quickly.
Uh no, this can't be worked on. He assaulted you, you fucking dumbass
I hope things go well for you! Keep us updated.
I think you did the right thing given how quickly the violence escalated. I've never seen anybody attack someone else because they accidentally hurt them. My bf would definitely never do that. It really sounds like he is schizophrenic, I don't think there's anything you can do. He'll probably need to be forcefully hospitalized to get better. Be careful when you go back, I hope he doesn't try to hurt you again out of spite.
You did the right thing. You're probably going to struggle with this decision for a while (especially because you made it in the spur of the moment) but it was a long time coming and I commend you for breaking up immediately when he assaulted you instead of making excuses. I hope you can move back home without much drama. Please keep posting, I want to see an "I'm home" update!
I got home and we were both pretty calm. After talking a bit I figured out A LOT happened when I was at work. His mom came and got him to go to a therapist and try to make an appointment. He was really freaking out so they asked him to go home and do a phone session first. It brought back a lot of bad memories and he's been out of it all day. I was definitely quick to assume and there was bad communication on both of our ends. We agreed I would see someone as well (maybe a different doctor, TBD).
If you're going to try to work things out I would AT LEAST stay in another place for a while. Spend time alone, see what life without this would be like and then decide if you want to stay.
I've been violent towards him multiple times, which is why he reacted that way. Which I know is impossible to know from just reading my post. But looking at it objectively I can understand his reaction as self -defense. I think he was trying to stop me and I panicked when his hand touched my neck (also understandable).
Moving out temporarily is just not possible for me financially.
And now that I understand he's contacted a professional and in the process of making an appointment, he's doing exactly what I've asked of him, and I'm in possession of one of the keys. He's in a lot of mental and physical pain and it would be cruel to leave him alone when he's suffering through a big life change.
Last night and this morning he was clearly more thoughtful about what he asked me to do. He mostly just asked me to be patient while he did things himself and didn't ask me to do multiple things. I genuinely feel like now that he's motivated to face this, I want to help him out of love instead of a feeling of debt or expectation.
holy dysfunctional relationship guacamole
>>34735>I've been violent towards him multiple times
yeah…you two really need to just go separate ways.
Probably. But either way we both need to fix our problems. Maybe we can both grow through this and reach some sort of functioning, healthy relationship?
I have OCD too.
>I mostly have issues related to contamination fears, and checking things like locks, light switches
Me too, but in my case have been difficult to get therapy (my family doesn't help too much either), I've tried by myself but I always fail ;__;
I really hate It, I feel exhausted, my hands sometimes bleed, and there are things I want to do but feel like I just can't.
I've never had bf, but thinking that that person has to deal with my problems It's something that only makes me realize that until I don't get some help, therapy or take medication I will never can have one.
Honestly I have no hope…
Sorry for my poor english ;__;
I wash my hands sometimes until they get cracked and bleed, I found that using moisturizing soap helps with the dryness. A good soap with moisturizing oils and anti-bacterial chems is good.
You shouldn't take medication unless it is necessary because its expensive and some OCD meds can radically change your brain chemistry in very bad ways.
We went to my boyfriend's family's house over the weekend (for unrelated reasons to our argument /situation). There have been OCD situations but they didn't bloom into the full-blown day-long problems they would've in the past. (halfway to the house, he remembered we didn't take out the trash. There's fish in the trash. UT took probably 30-45 minutes to convince him the fish wouldn't leak out and ruin the flooring while we were gone. In the past we probably would've had to go back and throw it out and probably clean up after and probably have to cancel our visit. Also his mom got mad at him when she realized how much he expects me to clean/take care of things for him. So I feel reassured that it's not just me being a bitch when I refuse to do things multiple times or when I say "that's something you need to take care of if you want done." >>34765
I'm sorry for the pain you're in, keep working at it. Don't lose hope. :(
Sometimes doesnt sound convincing, you should wash it everytime after you go to toilet, and after you went from outside. I know from a personal experience, that women are neglecting basic hygiene rules, do not be that woman.
reading comprehension, she's saying sometimes she washes them too hard not that she only washes them occasionaly…
Anyone who have OCD/similar problems, could you help me (op) again, please? My boyfriend was at the point yesterday where is body was like… Seizuring because he didn't hest all day because everything was dirty. He managed to finally give in and eat, and I helped, but got called a bitch constantly for "making mistakes."
I came home from work and he said he had been cleaning all day, everything was dirty and worse than before, and we can't use our appliances any more because they're dirty… He says he can't live in the apartment any more, but no where else is safe, either. I tried to make some kind of plan with him for an hour, but nothing would "Help" for him. I finally just left the apartment (didn't get mad, just said I had to leave and eat some). Am I making the situation worse? What should I be doing to actually help? I'm thinking he'll tire himself out to the point where he'll either give up and eat food or sleep, and then I can go in and clean and try to "fix" things.. Am I being a psycho here?
The second paragraph should start "I came home from work today
So all the things you talked about before didn't work and he got worse. And he's still insulting you.
I would tell you to leave but you clearly love being abused so you won't. Go see a shrink because you're also mentally ill. Maybe then you'll realize you have no obligation to live with a controlling, abusive, manipulative asshole just because he has schizophrenia. People like him need professional help, not another mentally ill enabler like you.
Alright listen up. I suffered OCD for way too long in my life and those are years I'll never get back. I did everything your boyfriend did. The moment I stepped into the door, clothes had to go off and I had to get into the shower. When starting off with my OCD, I would frequently wash my hands. At first I needed to do two cycles of squirting soap onto my hands and then rinsing. It eventually became Thirty Fucking Two. It's a slope as slippery as the soap I became well-acquainted with.
My parents did everything they could to accommodate me but things only got worse. You wanna know the secret? How I recovered?
FOR GODS SAKE STOP ACCOMMODATING HIM.
You can't ease him into it, you can't resist but ultimately give in. No, it's cold turkey or nothing. If he freaks out about something silly, refuse to help. It doesn't matter how much he begs, pleads, or accuses you, you must stay strong. Obviously you aren't planning on leaving the guy because you would've long before now so know this:
Someone with OCD will never get over it on their own. It's too safe for them to keep up the status quo. Believe me, it's nice in the comfort zone. If you do nothing or take meaningless "baby steps", it will NEVER be resolved. Tell me, are you prepared to be scrubbing everything all day 50 years from now? Your back is hurting, your hair is gray, your house still devoid of any significant items, and your elderly boyfriend sobbing in the corner as you secretly wonder when he'll finally hit the dust because you want out, you've wanted out for so long.
I'm not saying break up with the guy because I know you won't. I'm saying do nothing to help him. That's the only way he'll ever consider moving on and recovering. Maybe then that will restore some love to your lives as well. I can't imagine there's much romance going on when you two are at each other's throats metaphorically and physically, with the latter resulting in him rushing to the bathroom to scrub his hands because he touched you without making sure you were "safe".
I too developed some mild OCD, such as having to wash my hands after touching raw meat/certain vegetables, body fluids and body parts, and contaminated surfaces. And ever since I met my bf it started going away because I was forced to do all those things because I didn't want him to think I was weird. Now I am much more comfortable touching things I hated before. All because he didn't accommodate me and I was forced to quit my OCD habits while being around him.
I'm trying to tell him I'm not doing the crazy cleaning (he now wants us to use a wet wipes the whole apartment floor every time we use the bathroom… Which he says is normal). I keep saying I want to break up and not be his nurse any moment he won't stop. He kept me in the bath for six hours last night and wouldn't let me leave.
It turns out I was misunderstanding the floor wiping, he just wanted me to do it this morning. It really is escalating. But I don’t have any where or any money to go. But maybe I’m escalating things as well because I’m unhappy. I just want quiet and time to live without constant cleaning and/or being berated.
I think part of it is we have been together so long… I keep saying it’s over, it’s not good for both of us, But he has invested so much into the relationship (and I owe him money). I don’t think I’ve even ever had a friend longer than 8 years. We are kind of talking about splitting up the apartment so there’s a space for me and a space for him. But I don’t know how that will actually work out. He doesn’t “allow” me to cook because he thinks I’ll ruin the appliances, leave the gas on, etc. it’s hell and I feel like I’m going crazier and crazier.
You're being abused. Imagine if an elderly person or a child was put through that kind of treatment. People would call the cops and the guy would get taken away for abuse. Don't worry about what you "owe" him. Money can be paid later, and he has destroy the relationship he invested in so there's no need to feel bad about leaving it. This is his fault. He's most likely just keeping you around because you're "safe" and he needs you to do things he doesn't want to do, and not because he genuinely loves you. If he did he wouldn't make you slave away cleaning and abuse you verbally. His mind probably can't even feel love or empathy right now. He needs professional help and it's not going to happen with you around. Take your time but set your goal on leaving in the near future.
Hey guys, thanks for your advice and input. It really, really helps to have someone "listening." There are still times where I feel like I'm being verbally abused (getting chewed out for an hour because I cracked open my soft-sided egg "too hard" and then "contaminated" the floor by taking my used plate to the sink) these events are starting to lessen. He's also continuing getting professional help. However, I also have to be more compassionate and understanding. I've tried that while also standing my ground to a degree, and it seems like it's helping both of us. I'd like to have a couples session with his psychiatrist, but I don't see that happening in the near future.
OP like other people have said nothing will get permanently better until you force him to change and stop accommodating him. Please stop blaming yourself. You are not supposed to be "understanding" with a crazy person, it should be the other way around.
The more time you waste trying to save this skinning ship, the more you'll regret it later on.
I don't think how I've been treated is "normal" or good, nor do I think I need to or can fix it by myself. But I've been looking at the situation pretty selfishly. I don't think I mentioned it in thread, but pretty early on the doctor he's seeing ruled out OCD. So I was probably aggravating the situation trying to treat it like OCD.
Things still suck but we're both making good progress. He's gotten hand washing down to 1-2 times (when I'm around, at least). he still takes things to the extreme (there was a droplet of juice on the mouth of the carton where the cap screws on, but if I wiped it the mouth would be dirty, so I couldn't put it on the fridge…) but not to the extremes of before where our quality of life was severely hindered.
Just remember to get therapy too once this is over. Your behavior isn't normal either.
I have a serious phobia of sound. Not every sound, just "man-made" sounds like from machines or footsteps or music. I'm ok with nature sounds or sounds I cause like if I'm the one who turns on the TV but I freeze up and can't focus on anything if there's a sound someone else is causing. I'm pretty sure this comes from my childhood where I spent a lot of time doing nothing but listening for sounds my parents made, like if they turned off the TV and started walking toward my room I'd freak out cause I knew they were coming to yell at me. I'm fine when I'm out of my house but when I'm at home I can't focus on anything since my roommates are always walking around and making noise. It's even worse since I have extreme anxiety of being interrupted when I'm working on a task and even when I'm alone in the house I get so anxious knowing it's only a matter of time before the noise comes back and someone will interrupt what I'm working on. Idk how I'm ever gonna live with someone I like if I can't get over this.
You guys were right. I thought things were getting better but they're not. I thought he was still contacting the doctor after episodes but he deleted the phone number for "safety." This is hell. We were finally going to eat dinner tonight (at one am… And I have to get up before eight to take out the garbage (and then take a shower) but he let his phone touch the tub while he was getting out of the bath and now thinks the whole phone and bathroom area is dirty again. I'm going crazy. Like really, I can be calm and supportive for a while everyday but when I do everything and it's still not enough and he insists it's normal and that I'm being uncooperative… I just freak out. I've had a legit breakdown every night this week and my ability to function throughout the day is obviously decreasing. A coworker even asked if I was OK because I looked like I was going to fall down. You guys are right.
OP shitposted on the phone
I have OCD and have been prescribed three different anti-psychotics, Risperdal, Zyprexa, and Seroquel, the first two made me feel horrible and really exacerbated my symptoms while Seroquel actually helped a bit.
OP I don't want to sound mean but I just want you to know that you're my favorite thread of cc right now because I find it fascinating how you chose to stay in such a crazy and inhuman relationship. Like this is genuine psycho behavior but you still put up with it and tried to make the impossible work. It's killing you mentally and physically but you still can't bring yourself to leave for good. It's fascinating, like those movies about women who were kidnapped for decades and had multiple chances to leave and get help but never did.
I think I mentioned it earlier in the thread, but I’ve never had any kind of relationship that’s lasted for the length that we’ve been together, outside of family members. And I’ve never had as deep of a relationship either.
I’ve also never had to be on my own. I’ve never really had to support myself with no backup net, none of my accomplishments were achieved on my own, I’m not smart or clever, and I avoid conflict and things that make me uncomfortable.
I’m trying to be more responsible and less selfish. But everything is falling apart and I can’t handle it.
I’m going to the doctors tomorrow to start the process of getting therapy or whatever it is I need to crawl out of this mess.
OP please just leave and go back home.
I've been thinking about it more often lately. But if I moved back home I'd be going back to a host of different problems. My family is very supportive but we're not close and we don't get along very well.
Blegh. Like, things were going so well last night. He was letting some "messy" things slide and I was helping clean/avoid messy things and we were laughing and it felt normal. I was tired but it felt good to see him relaxed and laughing and happy. And then he asked me to open a new bottle of cooking wine, and he was convinced I'd gotten water in it and it would mold… And then I freaked out and got angry because it was 2am and I was tired and didn't want to clean any more that I just exploded and we had an argument until 6 in the morning. I couldn't make it to the doctors in time to get an appointment because I slept until the afternoon….
damn that sounds exhausting.
sorry if you mentioned this, but how hard would it be for you to become financially independent?
good luck op. the world is too big to be anchored down like that.
Would the problems at home really be worse than what you're going through right now?
Also how would you even get water in a wine bottle? Sounds like he's just looking for things to argue about. Why would he ask you to do it if he couldn't trust you?
Last night I finally just went out to the car to sleep. I did the same thing tonight after coming home, doing the whole cleaning routine, more cleaning while he took out frustration on me… Finally snapped at 1am tonight when we were finally about to eat dinner and he freaked out that my hand had passed over a chair after I had thrown something away, contaminating the chair. The last straw was when he said that I had avoided it on the way to the garbage "like a normal person" but was stupid on the way back. When I insisted it wasn't normal to be so upset in this situation he got mad and I didn't want to fight or blow up so I just left.>>38053>Sounds like he's just looking for things to argue about. Why would he ask you to do it if he couldn't trust you?
Sometimes he does purposely put me in situations where he knows I'll probably lie (asking me to do some gargantuan task that there's no need for and has already been done x times before) but only when he suspects I'm not doing what I say I'm doing. The reason he has me do it despite knowing I won't do it to his standards is because he has extremely high standards. He spent two hours washing and rehashing the shower head last night and still wasn't convinced of/the bath was clean.
The wine had a plastic safety seal, and he had asked me to waah my hands before opening it.>>38045
I'm financially independent and pay the rent, water, and for food. We would both manage without each other financially; we'd probably both have more money. Especially him.
Honestly I just want to go home and sleep but I can't do more showers and cleaning.
I think I have to realize it's not going to be a linear progression. The same goes for me. We've had some arguments, but after some seemingly small changes things are getting better for the time being. I finally had a full night's sleep last night and we had a nice meal together this morning. We're looking into couples counseling. Lately his family visited and privately told me "anon really doesn't seem like himself,he really needs help." So his mom his helping me now.
He was a lot better for one week in August that I had off. It was really nice and I thought things would get back to normal.
It’s still bad, I have to do all the chores and he’s convinced he’s going to get corona if he goes into the front hallway after the front door is opened. Toilet has to be cleaned every time someone poops. Kitchen has to be wiped down several times a day. Everything that enters the apartment has to be washed. He does none of this himself, yet he spends all day cleaning. He’ll clean the sink 10 times a day. He washes his hands for 10 minutes straight and still thinks they’re dirty.. But he doesn’t throw away his empty cans or trash.
I’m literally going insane and having breakdowns all the time. I’m going to start saving money and probably move back in with my parents once travel is possible again. I don’t want to but I don’t know how else to leave. I got a recommendation from a doctor to see a professional so I’m going soon.
I’ve also tried multiple times to break up but he won’t. I told his mom we were no longer together and she told me she was concerned for me and wanted me to get mental help (which obviously I do need, but not for the reasons she thinks).
OP again. Corona has gotten worse and so has the cleaning. But at least he's not washing his hands raw any more. I'm just overwhelmed by all the cleaning. I follow all the rules and he still gets angry if he doesn't hear me wash my hands or whatever. I tried to tell him if he wants everything washed he needs to do it himself but then he whines "that will take hours." Yes, it will. Because it's superfluous and he needs help. I've tried reaching out to his mom who wants him to get psychiatric help but she hasn't actually done anything. Boyfriend is convinced we're pill-pushers. I need a break. I need someone "on my team" which is why I'm digging up this old thread. I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm considering just unloading everything off in an email to my mom. Honestly I want a few weeks of separation to just decompress but there's nowhere to go and I have no money. I'm being supportive but it doesn't help much. Laundry is piling up, we can't make appointments because going out is too dangerous, everything is dirty, the neighbors all hate us and send us codes according to my boyfriend. I'm so overwhelmed.
If he thinks the neighbors are sending codes, this is more than OCD. This would be too much to bear for me if he refused all help.
>>58043>Laundry is piling up, we can't make appointments because going out is too dangerous, everything is dirty, the neighbors all hate us and send us codes according to my boyfriend. I'm so overwhelmed.
Anon that's paranoia, either get him a medical appointment for him, or walk away, there is literally no other way out of this, and the longer you put this off, the more you are fucking yourself over in the future. Do not fuck yourself over.
Hard agree. Anon should see if her parents or family members would be willing to take her in. This is not a life to live and she is wasting years to this mentally ill man.
So I made a friend group online a couple years back, and one of the guys had pretty severe ocd. He went on anafril, and now he's doing much better, and he's relatively normal.
Definitely speak to a psychiatrist, as this may be an instance where medication can really just make it a whole lot more bearable.
This. It sounds like psychosis which can only be treated with pills. You can't talk or act them into sanity. You need to walk away and make it clear to him mother what is happening.
Hey, so this is weird, but my husband has this exact same set of issues with his severe contamination OCD. It didn't start until after the birth of our second. So much cleaning, can't leave the house, hands raw and bleeding constantly, if any rituals are broken… Pure rage. I have no advice to give, it has completely ruined all of our lives and it's only gotten worse in the past 5 years.
Ugh. I'm so scared of this. He insists if we have a baby he'll somehow magically be better. :/
Talk to your mom and ask her to help you flee, you have to get out, THIS IS ABUSIVE
I don't have any advice but I have OCD and it's one of the obstacles that has kept me from dating. I feel people would not be okay with it and would just see me as a burden. I have to wash my hands very often, check and recheck that the oven is off before I leave the house, check and recheck that the door is locked, check and recheck that my alarm is set to the right time…also there are certain pieces of furniture that are post-shower only, I can't sit on them in clothes that I've worn outside. I dunno it seems like so much to ask someone to put up with that.
I've been diagnosed before with OCD but not by every psych I've seen so I tread carefully on whether I actually have the diagnosis or not, but I bother my bf so much with me freaking out about every little health problem I think I have. It almost enables me to be worse about it because I know I have another person to voice the fears to, if that makes sense. I am sorry for your illness anon, I hope you are receiving treatment for it and it's good you're aware it's obsessive.
You posted this thread a year ago, and things are still horrible. How many more years will you wait?
OP. Why do you suffer?
Tell your mom, or stay forever with this mad man.
Just cut ties already. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life stuck in your house with only your boyfriend as company?
After being berated to the point of tears almost every day for a week I finally was truthful in an email to my mom. She was so understanding, loving, and supportive that it just broke through all the comfy lies I was telling myself. I'm being abused. She told me to leave before things got more dangerous. Last night, my boyfriend wouldn't do laundry or let me sleep again. And I just decided then I had to go for sure. It was embarrassing but I opened up about my situation to my boss and they helped me find a hotel I can afford for a few days. I'm still processing how I feel.
Good for you OP! I'm happy that you're free from him. Just remember this feeling when things get better for you, don't try to come back.
This is wonderful OP, I'm glad
This is going to hurt and you may want to go back or regret things, it's normal. Just remember that you left for a reason, and you can be happy without him, he's not needed in your life.
You're lucky, you have a great mom and a great boss, you'll make it through!
Thank you. I think the emotions are still catching up to me. I just happened to have a psychiatrist appointment today and I cried a little bit, but otherwise everything feels really level. I'm meeting with boyfriend's mom those weekend. Not sure what will happen as after it was arranged she mentioned us getting married so he could use my insurance (I assume for psychiatric help). Talked to boyfriend, he's hurt and confused and wants to see a counselor before sorting through everything. I agreed because I thought he meant see a counselor while discussing how to separate. His parents had a messy divorce and other traumatized him. I'm trying to stay strong, but he sent me a text bordering on suicidal about having no purpose in life that has me scared.
But coming back to the hotel last night and not stressing the whole way home, not doing all the cleaning rituals, eating what and when I wanted to felt like heaven. I slept in a BED, I wasn't woken up, I didn't have to fetch food and open drinks for my boyfriend. It was amazing and now I can't go back to that hell.
This is great! And you should remember too, you're not obligated to see them. You don't have to see his mom, you don't have to see him, you're under absolutely zero obligation to do it, not even a moral one, he can't ask a "last talk" after the way he treated you.
It makes me remember this very toxic relationship I had when I was a teenager, I was completely "in love" and persuaded that I would be broken without him and when he dumped me, I cried, and then like, one hour later, I suddenly felt a wash of relied. I felt so good and light, and the next day was like paradise.
Keep going now, and take care of yourself OP, you got your life back
I'm just going over my mom's reply and the replies here trying to be strong. Boyfriend hasn't eaten anything since I left but he broke a bunch of his cleaning rules to set up Line on his new phone. I caught myself romanticized our relationship thinking he could change of I'm compassionate like my life is some kind of fanfiction.
I have an apartment viewing set up for next week.
Doesn't that make it worse? If he was able to break them the moment they became a big enough inconvenience for him, doesn't that mean he was just refusing to break away from his ocd because you would indulge him? His desire to be comfortable was bigger than any shred of empathy he could have had for you. It's like a kid who sees mom slave away all day and doesn't care.
That's the other side I was telling myself. He could've worked through his issues but instead did the easy thing and blamed me and forced me to clean for him. Today he somehow managed to go out and go to the hospital to get things I've been telling him for ages to get checked out checked out. Turns out he needs surgery with local anesthetic and wants me to take care of him. Tomorrow.
The raised-Catholic part of me is telling me to be compassionate and help him. The sane calm part is telling me it's his own fault. But I'm second guessing myself, if I don't help maybe I really am the psycho bitch he said I am. Or is that just me giving into years of abuse?
>>62812>Turns out he needs surgery with local anesthetic and wants me to take care of him. Tomorrow.
Don't do it. If he needs help that bad he has his family or there are professional options. Same with the suicidal threats. If you think he is serious about it call the police/ambulance and wash your hands of the affair.
Once you have all your things sorted out I'd recommend fully blocking him. It sounds like he will try every trick in the book to make you stay with him, take care of him or at the very least make your life miserable. Don't let him.
>Or is that just me giving into years of abuse?
Yes. I get that it is hard to go against years of socialization that and abuse. But don't give him another hand. If need be block his number for the next 2 days. It's tough but once you're past it you'll feel so much better.
Stay strong anon.
Bestie do not fall for his manipulation. If he is doing those things on his own now, it means he ALWAYS could. But he chose not to, he chose to force you to slave away, he chose to knowingly make you suffer. Now he went to the doctor and magically needs surgery and a caretaker? He always knew he needed it. So he purposely went now, knowing it was a serious issue, to have a reason to guilt you into coming back. He is a manipulator.
And he also insults you? To get you to do things? People who love you don't insult you. He IS the psycho bitch. If I were you I would block him on absolutely everything. He does not care about you. First you're his reason for living and now you're a psycho bitch? Ok buddy, he is just a manipulator.
All this makes me very angry, I've been following your thread since day 1.
It's you being weak because of years of abuse.
Later down the line, you're going to think about all that and the only thing that will pop in your mind is "god, why did I fall for it?"
You're just doing what every abused wife has ever done. Your husband is doing the "I'm a good guy now, I promise" routine and you fall for him, again. It's a LIE. You have lived with him, you know how he his, you know what he has done, he made your life miserable. You don't get to act all nice and good when you suffer the consquences of your action.
You did the hardest part, leaving. Now, you STAY AWAY. You don't see him, you don't talk to him, you don't talk to his mother. What they want is not for you to be happy, what they want is for you to MAKE HIM happy. You don't call someone you love "a psycho bitch" and you certainly don't get to complain when she leave and plead for her to help you.
The nice, compassionate part of you want to help, because you're a good person. But that's why you are getting abused, OP. Because you're too nice, and you are so nice that someone very mean has taken advantage of you for years. Don't let him start again.
OP again. A lot has happened. Boyfriend is seeing a bunch of professionals today. He saw a psychiatrist, got some kind of touch therapy on his face, and got psych meds. He talked to the doctor and decided to use his vaccine coupon and get vaccinated (but hasn't gotten the shot yet). He's getting his ear looked at again today along with other health problems. We talked on the phone and he sounds like his old self.
I'm not going back until my hotel reservation is up. But I checked with his mother, and she confirmed he wasn't lying.
So I'm thinking I'll go back after we lay down some ground rules. If things are still bad, the rental agreement is up in December and we can make a clean break with no regrets.
>>62909>So I'm thinking I'll go back
This guy abuse you every fucking day for so long, and he play nice for less than a fucking week and you run in his arm
Read all your message on this thread. Read how much he hurt you. He made you cry for one week, he didn't let you SLEEP! He called you a psycho bitch because you dared tell him he's a problem.
For the life of me, I can't understand. You're being played like a stupid five year old, for what? Some kind of happiness that you only had in your head, because the overwhelming majority of the time you were completely broken by this man? You're the textbook abused woman who let a man walk all over her. You know what, years down the line, you're not going to ask yourself "god, why did I fall for it?" but "where is my life?" because you'll still be in your sad little appartment with a man that abuse you every day, and every time you try to leave, he play nice, and you fall for it, like the dumbest girl in the block.
Stop this shit OP. Stay away.
I'm not sure how you can go back. Maybe it's just me but once I see a person doesn't love me, I immediately stop caring. And this guy never loved you. He put you through hell because you would put up with it, and now that you're gone he has no choice so he does what he is supposed to do. But it's not for you, it's for him.
And now it's gonna be the same dance. He's gonna be nice for a while, and once he realizes you're stuck with him again he'll go back to his old ways.
Remember anon, he was always capable of doing all the things he's doing now, but chose not to. Because you don't matter to him.
You were right. Things were good for less than a week. Then things have slowly escalated back to before. Earlier this month he said he was open to seeing a psychologist but has since changed his mind. I finally gave him an ultimatum yesterday that he needs to contact a mental clinic within a week or I'm leaving. I originally said he needed to leave (again, apartment is under my name) and he got angry. I told him I would get the police involved which he also didn't like. It's to the point where he can't even wash his hands, use the bathroom, eat, or drink by himself yet he refuses help. I see no future together any more. I sent him a list of places that specialize in ocd but I'm not expecting him to make a move.
>>65637>you’re STILL with him
god you’re a pushover. grow a spine
My mom is like this and I can't fucking stand her for it. You've got more willpower than me, that's for certain.
>House must be deep cleaned every single day>Except she works like 4 hours a day, whereas both me and my dad work 8 hours>So whenever me and my dad get back, she's already cleaned the house>Proceeds to complain how we never do anything around the house, how hard her life is, how we'd live in a pig stein without her etc.
We've told her multiple times that the house doesn't need deep cleaned every single day, and that this isn't normal behavior. But she always responds with shouting and screaming.
>>34680>the germs are laughing at me and trying to kill me
but in all seriousness, best of luck op. others here have already given great advice, stop enabling him. maybe make some plans so that he doesnt spend that time cleaning.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR
FOR A YEAR people told you here that you were an abused girl and that ou should dump him
you make me so mad, it's unreal, why can't you just dump him and take back your life???
I don’t feel bad for OP anymore. She is choosing to stay in this situation.
Rooting for you OP. Please keep updating.
jesus fucking christ just leave?
youre acting like a textbook abuse victim, like the way you backpedal and keep making excuses for him "he grabbed my neck guys" "oh nvm he was just surprised hehe"
what the fuck, come on. hes a lost cause and you're wasting your life away.
jfc op just leave already
even if he does get 100% better, you're going to be pasting over huge cracks to try to save the relationship. you're not in a romance novel where you have to fix him
it's broken, just throw his stuff out already and change the locks and call the cops if he tries to come back in
a friend of mine IRL was in that situation, she had to leave because he got paranoid and violent against her.
OP here. He refuses to even see a psychologist for counseling now. He insists he doesn't have ocd and everything is caused by me
(then why live with me?). This weekend the WiFi went out and it was he'll. No distractions for him (he won't touch his cell inside the apartment because it's dirty, we don't have any dad's/books for the same reason). I got about 4 hours of sleep total and we had a huge argument about cleaning to top everything off.
I've told him he needs to move out, but he refuses. I don't have enough money to move by myself right now. I also don't know what to do if I move out but he just… Doesn't? All outbid appliances (fridge, laundry machine, bed) were bought by him so I can't take them with me.
I'm starting to transfer some savings from my home country to here so I can move out and/or lawyer up if needed.
Boyfriend on the other hand is talking about getting married so he can use my insurance and I can get a credit card… A few years too late, buddy
Sorry, my phone is really old and autocorrect doesn't work right.
OP again, I found a Share-house running a first-month's-free deal. After that, even if I'm still stuck paying for this apartment for whatever reason, the Share-house rent is about how much I spend on alcohol fofoe my boyfriend monthly, so I can afford it. I sent an inquiry about seeing a roo. Asap.
Also messaged boyfriend's mom to let her know what's up and he may have to move back home. To the person who suggested just kicking my boyfriend out… He doesn't leave the apartment. Especially not by himself. He's physically way bigger and stronger than me. So I can't just toss him and his stuff out.
i understand these things take more time than people realize and it's not so simple. just please op stay consistent and keep your defenses up until this asshole is out of your life. i'm rooting for you
Thanks. It's really difficult to make these big decisions. This person supported me when I was jobless after a stroke. This person made me realize I had a drinking problem and sober up. This person made me realize I needed to see a psychiatrist (and get diagnosed with bipolar… He was putting up with a lot of crazy manic behavior). I wanted to do the same for him.
The difference is I eventually stepped up and admitted I needed help, which I now see he is unwilling to do. I should've listened to my mom and not looked back, but the comfort of the "devil I know" was too strong. I'm weak. And I'm obviously not that smart. But now I can see a future possibly alone is far better than any realistic future with my boyfriend.
>>66401>This person supported me when I was jobless after a stroke. This person made me realize I had a drinking problem and sober up. This person made me realize I needed to see a psychiatrist (and get diagnosed with bipolar… He was putting up with a lot of crazy manic behavior). I wanted to do the same for him.
He pointed these things out and you could see them. Your bf doesn't want to see his issues. Moving out might help him to see.
That's all true, quite good for you as well, but just because he did those things in the past does not mean he is allowed to treat you however he wants now. If you can't tell your boyfriend to go to hell because he's fucking himself and yourself over, you're not being fair to yourself.
I want you to honestly ask yourself, if a friend you knew was in your situation, would you tell them to stay in the relationship, or would you say she deserves better? Treat yourself like someone you should be actively helping, if someone else was you, what would you do?
I will say as one last thing, if you make the visceral threat of your leaving him real, and he actually cares, he will change his behavior, but you need to be capable of actually leaving and telling him to go to hell. If you can't tell someone to go to hell, you're not in a healthy relationship.
Does he pay anything? Is the appartment in your name?
I don't know in which country you live, but if he is not on the rent contract you can surely call the cops to tell them he needs to leave. And if you move out, you can just break the lease and it's not your problem anymore.
I think it looks more complicated than it really is for you because you're not really willing to use the hard way. When you want to kick someone out, you can, in most country anyway.
I pay the rent and am the "head of household." I pay water and gas & electricity, but the gas & electricity is under his name. He pays for wifi under his name. All big-ticket items (bicycle, fridge, laundry machine, bed) were bought by him. I buy all the groceries and smaller items. I spend over $300 a month on alcohol for him because he uses it to function and can't relax without it.
This morning after taking out the recycling I realized I left my phone in the living room (where I sleep… Because the blankets are dirty so he sleeps on the bed alone to keep it clean). I snuck back in to grab it but he woke up and got angry. I just apologized and left. But on my way to work I realized he would be expecting me to clean the whole apartment tonight, and be angry at me for at least a week because I came in from outside without showering. Last night I only slept 2-3 hours ar best because he kept waking me up to open drinks and clean for him. I couldn't deal with that tonight, and I was worried about missing the room viewing tomorrow. So I went back home, grabbed my medicine and some shirts and tried to leave. Boyfriend confronted me and asked what I was doing. I explained I was getting my stuff because I'm going to a hotel and I'm looking at a new place this week (hello sleep-deprived bad choices). He followed me out and tried to stop me. He even said "let's go together"?? Probably because last time I caved in, and told him he could come with me to the real estate office. I finally screamed out for help and for him to stop and he backed off.
I booked a hotel until the weekend, hopefully the room viewing goes well and I can move in asap.
I told my new manager about my situation because it might be melodramatic but I'm honestly worried for my safety. She told me that if my boyfriend won't move, I'll have to convince him to change the head of household from my name to his name.
I've contacted my boyfriend and his mom over line and made it very clear I am not coming back, and he needs to move out or take over as head of household.
I'm still having trouble transferring my USD savings because my credit and debit cards are all expired and I haven't been able to renew them thanks to travel restrictions. So things are going to be tight.
I will say as one last thing, if you make the visceral threat of your leaving him real, and he actually cares, he will change his behavior, but you need to be capable of actually leaving and telling him to go to hell. If you can't tell someone to go to hell, you're not in a healthy relationship.
I really needed to re-read this right now. I just got a giant message from him apologizing, saying he doesn't know what he did wrong but he did the laundry, wiped the apartment himself, is focusing on his resume and will go to counseling. I told him he should do all of those things but I'm not coming back. Last time was the last chance. He ended up just saying pretty lies and not changing at all. He's trying to guilt me by bringing up plans we had to buy a bed frame, dishwasher, etc. We aren't even allowed to sit on the sofa he bought last time because "it will get dirty and we can't clean it"!!
I'm proud of you anon, it seems you finally get it.
Like even in this thread, this is not the first time he said "oh no wait I will change" and then what happens? He doesn't fucking change, he just try to guilt trip you and make you stay.
If the rent is in your name and the big things are his and you basically have nothing to take with you in your new home, you could just contact your landlord and break your lease. You have no reason to be gentle or understanding with him. I understand the guilt and the fact that he helped you a lot, but he's also destroying your life for well over a year!
And by the way, 300$ in alcohol for him because "he can't function without it"??? He's a fucking alcoholic and he's using your money to get his fix, like, come on girl
I talked to my manager at work about it and she said the same thing, basically. I can break my lease and change the name of the renter from mine to his. But I'll have to get him to agree to it.
I'm seeing the room in a few hours… I'm not sure how soon I can move in, assuming I'm approved. I'm worried about having to stay at the apartment for a week or whatever and falling into old patterns or being physically kept from leaving. The room isn't furnished so I want to take some blankets I bought from the apartment to use as a futon… Not sure when or how.
I'm really anxious about the future, and my boyfriend has been sending me nonstop messages about how he's changing and can't live without me. I'm trying to encourage him to keep seeking out help while making it clear I'm not coming back.
>>66533>break the lease.
You can probably sublet it or reassign the lease depending on where you are, and anon, it doesn't have to be to your boyfriend or landlord, unless the landlord is able to provide a compelling reason to prevent you to your local tenant's board (impossible), and at that point it would be better for the landlord to assume the responsibility of reassigning, You can make it clear to bf that he can take the lease, vacate, or he can find himself with roomates that he might not like much.
Sorry, you don't need your boyfriend's permission at all because tenancy is a civil matter, or a landlord's permission as long as your regional tenant/landlord's board allows it, which most do.
So, I might not even be able to afford to rent the room. With the deposit I'll only have about $200 dollars for the month, because I just deposited a couple hundred into my boyfriend's account last weekend.
Boyfriend says he has proof he contacted a psychiatrist this month. I'll believe it when I see it.
I'm bad at math. I thought I'd have 200 dollars to scrape by but the roommate place had hidden fees, so I'd have a place to live but no food for a month.
>>66547>Boyfriend says he has proof he contacted a psychiatrist this month. I'll believe it when I see it.
Stop this at once. You did almost the same thing before. it doesn't matter if he see a psychiatrist or not. You DON'T go back, no matter what.
I don't know US law a lot, but it seems weird to me that you would need the authorization of anyone to just break the lease. It's a contract in your name, if you want to leave you just leave, but well, I know it's sometimes weird in the US.
Don't you have a good relationship with anyone in your family? Or some good friend? You could stay at their house for a little time. And you shouldn't go back at the appartment, if you need something you send someone else to take it for you, or you just abandon it.
And really, if I was in your shoes, I would be contacting the police. If you're worried that you can be physically stopped to leave, that's the logical next step.
And please, please, for the love of god, don't give him ANYTHING anymore. No money, no calls, no good sentiments, nothing. You're hurting yourself.
I'm in Japan. No friends. I don't think my parents can wire me money quickly. My Dad has memory problems and my mom has had trouble on the past trying to send me things. I can transfer some funds from the US but it will take several weeks at the fastest.
Why are you living in Japan with OCD having bf? Do you even make a solid living there?
Boyfriend didn’t display ocd symptoms when we met. I make an okay salary, more than enough for a single person. But I've been supporting another adult for two years. I'm also paying for an apartment meant for a family that eats up the majority of my income.
Fuck. So to top it all of, you're not in your native country?
Yeah, Japan law is weird too. I mean, compared to european law, it can gets weird fast, so I can't help you there sadly. And I know japanese banks are crazy and a transfer can take way too much time that it should.
I don't know how is your relationship at work and how it's going, but can't you ask for an advance? I guess in Japan this kind of thing must be tough, but your manager seemed kind of understanding of the situation. If you have been working there for a good time, maybe they'll agree to it?
Sometimes the worst thing we do is being fearful of asking for help
Fuck. I received the invoice and actually I can afford it with about 200 dollars until the end of the month like I thought. I'm so confused
Great. Definitely move out then.
Can't you just paypal that shit into an account?
I've never used PayPal to transfer money, but I finally got Wise to link up with my bank, and I have 1k that should arrive in two days (it's the weekend here).
Why did I know it'd be Japan…
I was actually able to get the money today, so I'm feeling more confident. Boyfriend is sending me messages about how he's suddenly changed and isn't wiping things down, went to the store by himself, didn't shower after going out, etc.
Boyfriend's mom is trying to guilt me into going back saying she's crying, telling me my boyfriend's grandma is panicking he's going to die. I'm trying to stay strong and realize they're just trying to guilt me into keeping him comfortable.
I have tomorrow off and I'm out of clothes (and I didn't bring my deodorant… It's gross) so I'm going back to the apartment tonight. I've been keeping the bicycle at work and need to bring it back anyway. I'm still planning on paying and moving in to the room on Monday.
Why is your bf even in Japan? Are either of you japanese?
I would just block him and his family. Clearly none of them care about your well being, only his.
Yes, bf and family are Japanese. I'm not.
Can you go with someone else with you?
I'm worried for you anon. First he could get physical, second I really fear you're going to end up in the old pattern and say "oh well maybe I can stay one more day…"
If you HAVE to go, absolutely, you take what you need and you LEAVE. No arguing, no heartfel dialogue with the lying moid, nothing. If you need, you call the police. Yeah, japanese police can be weird, but do it. DON'T STAY. You need to leave.
And I'm purely going on stereotype right here but the japanse family guilt tripping you is really "expected". Don't fall for it. It's not your fucking problem. It's YOUR life. Take it back. You're already doing it, you just need to keep going.
>>66647>Boyfriend's mom is trying to guilt me into going back saying she's crying, telling me my boyfriend's grandma is panicking he's going to die. I'm trying to stay strong and realize they're just trying to guilt me into keeping him comfortable.
No one kills themself because their gf broke up with them unless there were other serious issues going on. It's a sad situation but it's not your problem anymore. Tell them to contact a hospital or the police if he is suicidal because you are not a trained therapist and so you might make him worse but the police will find someone who can help.
This anon is exactly right. I can tell that you care about him and want to be there for him like he was for you, but the fact of the matter is that you can't. Being there for him doesn't help him, and he will only use your return as an excuse to relapse on any progress he might make. A professional is who he needs, he will only get one without you around, and the moment that you come back he will find a reason to stop going.
I think what every anon here had been saying about needing to cut him out is right too, and if you can stay strong you absolutely should. I think part of the problem is that when you read posts like ours, you know how much context we're missing, and you might think that people are giving you too much credit or judging him too harshly. It's common on the internet for people to exprees a no tolerance policy on this type of thing, and if you're a tolerant person you might dismiss our advice as maybe the right thing to do, but incompatible with your personality and values. The thing is, this is actually one of those times you need to cut him off even as someone who is tolerant and patient and kind. I think you should see a therapist, not because of problems you have with yourself, but because you need someone on your side that you can trust has listened to all of the details and has dealt with situations like this again and again enough that you might be able to listen to their judgement.
Lastly, if you find yourself about to go back to him for financial reasons because something falls through, for the love of god say something here first.
This post 100%. This is definitely a not contact situation. You're not leaving completely alone if his mum and grandmother know so don't feel bad about it.
This was an absolute rollercoaster from start to finish. OP, I sincerely hope you're in the process of moving into the new place now and that transferring ownership of the old place works out.
Please, dear god, I'm begging you to stop sending him money, listening to his suicide-bait, engaging with his psychopathic family and going back to the old place. In fact, the best thing would be to move back home where you will have access to your savings and you can block this entire family, never having to think about them ever again.
Keep us updated though.
OP here. I ended up giving in to the "I can't live without you, I'll change" speech. So far I haven't had to clean the hallway or wash the groceries. Way less wiping. He's obviously making an effort. We had some fighting over the weekend because he wanted me to spend 100% of my time with him. He has reached out to some psychiatrist offices that do virtual meetings. But he's convinced we have to do a bunch of paperwork first. His address is still registered as his family home and he's convinced he'll be in legal trouble if he doesn't change it.
We've made a plan so that he can use my insurance. We'll have to register at a couple of places and it will take a few weeks. Then he will decide which office to go forward with. He's already said he will be completely honest and open with the doctor he chooses and follow their advice.
he said the same thing 6 times before, what is his job anyway?
Sucker. Stupid fucking sucker. There goes your life savings grandma, there goes your retirement, your independence…does he have a bridge he's trying to sell you? Seriously. Don't be stupid. You have a chance right now to get out and free of his mechanics before you look up ten years from now at your shitty life and wonder 'How the fuck did I end up here? Oh yeah, I listened to him.'
He's a bum and a loser and you' staying with him is one whipped dog letting another drag it around by the leash.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to be mean about this on purpose though because this is it girl, don't be a dummy. Wake up and live your own life.
Well, him spiraling completely out of control, and him actually getting better look the same in the short term. If this is your decision please stick by it. I recommend asking and finding out with him what is the smallest practical step towards fixes his bullshit he can take, and reinforcing that he needs to constantly take it. Remember OP, you love him, but that means you want him to be the best possible himself he can fucking be, not the worst.
I have no life savings lol. The savings I transferred were my Corona bux.>>66861
Yes, this is what we've been doing. Pushing his limit a little more each day. He's making small but steady progress, it seems sustainable this time. Like, instead of me turning off the water for him, he has to do it himself (but he uses a chopstick or other tool so he doesn't have to touch tge handle). I've only been wiping surfaces when something that will leave oil or a smell is on them (like after cooking/eating oily or garlicy food). No more washing groceries is a HUGE step that he hasn't gone back on.
Once the paperwork goes through, I think there will be a lot less drinking. He's now looking forward to the future, getting help, and starting work. We've also talked about moving to a cheaper apartment once things settle down.
Can't tell if OP is trolling or that stupid.
really happy for you anon, that's the best case scenario imo
The “best case scenario” would be her ghosting his abusive neurotic ass. She’s too much of a pushover though. Staying with an abuser and trying to “fix” him probably boosts her self esteem. She probably feels like a really good person, ruining her own life lmao.
>>66864>Once the paperwork goes through, I think there will be a lot less drinking. He's now looking forward to the future, getting help, and starting work. We've also talked about moving to a cheaper apartment once things settle down.
Sounds like you both understand what you want to do in order for this to work. Again, the decision is only up to you in the end. You can not
do things for him or it will get worse, you absolutely can help him help himself
to get better, that is the only situation that is both fair to you and him. Remember, you want him to be the best himself he can fucking be, not the worst.
I fucking swear, I will NEVER understand abused wives
If he choke you to death one day because you didn't clean the fucking counter, it will be 100% on you
God you are so fucking dumb
You've been doing nothing but to set yourself up to be miserable for the rest of your life.
It's clear that japanese society isn't accepting you. During those 8 whole years you haven't been able to make any friends in Japan and have become completely emotionally dependant on an ill man. That's not normal. Even if the guy wasn't a psycho, I'd be terrified of getting myself in such a vulnerable situation.
But on top of everything this man keeps playing you like a toy. How long will his good behavior last? A month? A year?
You have no family and no support network in Japan. You can't live like that, it's unhealthy, you're digging your grave.
Even this man's family doesn't give a shit about you, they just see you as their manbaby's caregiver. They don't see you as a human being, otherwise they wouldn't have let this happen, if only out of sheer respect towards you as a human.
Get out while your parents are still alive and able to help you. Get a job in your country and start making friends at work, get new hobbies, join clubs, meet people there and build a support network.
Animu dick ain't worth ruining your life over, it's about time you fucking grow up already op.
Lmao OP. Can't wait to see you back in two weeks saying "you guys were right".
Although I honestly can't believe you're gonna register as a couple fucking lmao. You might think you're getting your way but the truth is he's trapping you more and more. Next time leaving him won't be so legally easy.
Do you guys even have sex? I'm assuming you don't since that's dirty, kek.
What happens is that every time she leaves the bastard, she has to face the sudden realization that she's completely alone in Japan, she freaks the fuck out and goes back to her abuser because that's the only "ally" she has there.
She needs to leave Japan for her own mental health, but instead she keeps digging herself deeper and deeper.
At the beggining I literally thought op was from a shitty third world country and was running from her abusive family or something.
But she's from a perfectly livable first world country, and during this situation her family has shown nothing but support.
She's unironically grasping at the weebu dreamu like a retard.
Most adults don't get along with their parents, it's fucking normal, but it's not like op has to live with them long term, just get a fucking job and rent a place. Get back on her feet, get therapy and then decide whether she wants to go to another country or whatever she wants to do with her life. But only AFTER both her financial and mental issues are sorted out.
Sadly it doesn't seem like she's gonna do that.
Anon if you have parents ask them if you can stay with them while you rearrange your life to be unfucked and then spend your money on a plane ticket and leave. Just leave with a suitcase because it's japan, you've got nothing. A tami mat, some anime figures and some dvds, a computer…your life is fucked. Your life will continue to be fucked. Stop fucking yourself, you've already got someone doing that. Or at least dump him so you can fuck yourself properly because if you're going to get fucked might as well do it yourself. Stop being a caricature and be a real person here. Either write your own story or keep on the miserable one you have not been enjoying so far.
probably because the chances of getting stalked and murdered by your ex increase 150% after leaving them
Yeah, she's sooo afraid of leaving him because he's going to kill her
Come the fuck on, she willingly put herself in danger and fuck her life up. She say she's afraid of him being violent and GO BACK WITH HIM
It's her fault, 100%. I don't even blame the moid anymore, she willingly gets played again and again, at one point you have to onw your retardation
A lot of assholes in this thread angry someone who isn't them and can't effect them is making a stupid decisions and hoping bad things happen to her.
Exactly. The thing with mentally ill men is that they end up depending on you and once you leave they have nothing to lose.
And when men have nothing to lose they gain the courage to do the worst of things.
The uncertainty of it + being in a foreign country + having dependency issues herself + grieving the end of a years long relationship are making it easy for op to just keep pushing the issue and playing the victim while doing nothing to change it.
Maybe things are not what they seem and she manipulated us with a one-sided story, maybe she really loves him, maybe they could still work, or maybe staying will only make him deteriorate and leaving is the sensible choice.
No one knows and no one will convince op of anything, she will have to make this decision alone. Good luck op. I think you will learn a lot from this experience.
Things are still better than before, but not great. He's obviously making an effort. But he keeps saying /doing things that make me think he won't really get help. He told me that he wouldn't trust a doctor who prescribed medication after the first consultation. That's a big red flag. He also says he's decided where he wants to go, but every time I ask him to send me the information or show me the website he refuses. I gave reasonable alternatives to getting married and he shot them down. I asked his mom a bunch of questions today asking why he has to be a dependent, why he can't register insurance under his own name, etc… She didn't give me a real answer. I don't want to argue all night so I might wait until tomorrow to bring everything up. You guys are right. I was taking the easy way out by just following my boyfriend's sudden marriage plan. It's a trap to gettingsstuck in an unhappy, unhealunhealthy relationship. I don't know if I can bring it up tonight. I might wait until tomorrow so I have an out if things get nasty. I can't marry someone who doesn't even let me boil pasta. What the fuck was I thinking.
Is there anything actually good about your relationship? I'm so confused as to why you haven't run for the hills. So far everything I know is:
>he doesn't have a job>he expects you to do all the housework to an insane standard>he makes you do menial tasks for him, including at random points in the middle of the night like a live-in maid>he has on at least one occasion physically assaulted you>he's an alcoholic>he's avoiding getting help for his supposed crippling mental health issues, not even to keep you as a partner>he's used extremely manipulative tactics to keep you around
Genuine question: what is keeping you there?
Absolutely do not marry him OP. He will stop making an effort once he has trapped you. And remember, since you are in Japan, if there is an incident and the police are called, you will be the one who is blamed as you are the foreigner (if the police bother to do anything). You are not safe.
Fucking hell OP
A fucking WEDDING?
Reread this thread from the very beginning. This moid has been making your life hell for years and now MARRYING HIM could be a good idea? What the fuck, of course it's a fucking trap.
Go the fuck away. Leave your job, leave this shitty country when you don't have a single friend to help you, go back to your parents. FLEE
Trauma bonding and manipulation, obviously
She's the textbook abuse victim, an isolated, lonely women, trapped in a relationship with no one to help her and the only person she can talk to are abusers
She's also living in Japan, notorious for bad mental health services and victim support networks. I assume OP doesn't have any family nearby. It would be very tough for anyone to get out of that situation.
Let me guess:>You open your eyes as to how bad and unsustainable things really are, you realize that you're rotting away and that you're digging yourself deeper into this hell each day, and that you seriously need to get out now while you still can. >You almost leave for real, you're so close to freedom, to getting your life back. But even though it's the only thing that can save you, change scares you. >So your abuser throws a pity party because his mommy nurse caregiver is threatening to leave. He guilt-trips you and then promises for the 200th time that ackchually this time is for reasies that he's toootally gonna change pinky promise sob sob. And you fall back into his same old manipulation again.
This thread is groundhog day.
I'm gonna tell you something. You either leave now and break the cycle or the same hell repeats over and over, for years, for decades, until you die.
Your parents won't be alive forever. Right now you could easily just ask them to buy you a plane ticket, pack your documents and leave. Right now it's that easy, at least in the practical sense. In the future it probably won't be so easy to leave anymore.
Also, I knew that your abuser's parents didn't see you as a human and just see you as a free full time nurse, but their level of cruelty terrifies me. They're prompting you to tie your life with this guy even though they know it will be the end of you. Like, his parents can see how crazy this situation is, they're sane. Yet they're trying to gaslight you into giving your life away. That's multiple people that pretend they're on you side, but are actually trying to manipulate you to sign your life away. That shit is fucking terrifying.
Anon, if you want to help him, you have to help yourself first. He’s not getting better this way. For a while at least, take a few steps back. Go find a cheap roomshare on Oakhouse or Sakurahouse and move in ASAP.
I mean share house. But even a roomshare is better than this.
OP you need to ghost him and his family. It's the only way. You're in a fragile state so you're easily convinced, any nice action is enough to make you reconsider. Ghosting him is the only way to stop this from happening again.
OP is 100% going to marry him. She’s a spineless pushover. This is a lolcow thread at this point. Picrel is OP and her bf’s apartment lol
To the anon who said any nice action is enough to make me reconsider… You're so right. Today we were shopping and he suggested I buy a raincoat for my bike commute and internally I was like "awww, he does love and care about me. Things will be alright."
He says he's going to go to a local group therapy but hasn't contacted them yet. Also maybe go to a psychologist service that doesn't require personal information. He went to the service before. But this is not what he promised. He specifically used the word for psychiatrist when we discussed changes he would make.
I'm giving myself a month to make plans and leave if he doesn't keep his promises. That way I can talk to my own psychiatrist about what's going on before I take any huge step.
You guys are right. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm easily convinced. But my boyfriend has given up so much to help me. I'm over 30. I'm bipolar. I have really bad memory problems (familial and due to brain injuries). Being alone is scary. I've never had any kind of non-family relationship this long. I don't know if I cam ever do it again.
But when I was considering marrying to get my boyfriend under my insurance, I was absolutely disgusted with the thought of living this way forever. It was way more scary than moving to the share house.
OP here, our apartment is actually a mess because all of his cleaning hang ups! It's awful!
You're a victim and he's an abuser.
You're not his girlfriend, you're his toy slave.
If you hit a dog everyday, and then sometimes buy him a chew toy, you're not nice and caring, you're a shithead who want to own a living being
You have been saying things like "I'm giving myself a month if he doesn't keep his promises…" EVERY FUCKING TIME
And EVERY FUCKING TIME he go back to abusing you, because THAT'S WHAT AN ABSUER DOES
God you make me so mad, how can you live like that??? "He has given up so much to help me!" Oh yes, fucking what? You have given your sanity, your security, your fucking life to him and you get abused every fucking day, you are so much deprived of love that when he tell you to BUY YOURSELF A COAT, you're HAPPY. HE'S NOT EVEN BUYING IT FOR YOU GIRL, HE JUST TOLD YOU TO BUY IT
How much money did you spend to fuel his alcohol addiction, that is totally legit because it's to "control his mental health"??? How many tears have you shed because it treats you like his thing, giving you orders, threatening you and abusing you???
Wake the fuck up girl, you're in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. He's ABUSING YOU. He doesn't fucking love, you, that's not love, you don't even remember what love is because you're miserable, alone and trapped. You're just the ideal victim : a girl that has zero self esteem and his desperate to be loved by someone.
That's the hard truth. You're not getting a happy ending here, the happiest ending you can get with him his you being his fucking slave for all your life.
You want to get your happy ending, stop being miserable, stop being alone, and start enjoying your life and having a future?
GO. AWAY. That's the ONLY way for you to be free. No shit like "oh yeah I'm totally leaving him, but you know if he gets better…", you just fucking leave and stop with this nonsense. If you think it's scary to live this way forever, THEN WHY ARE YOU STAYING???
I swear, leave this moid and go live your life and be happy, if you don't, I'm going to personnally dox you, track you down and kill your moid with a copy of "Scared to Leave, Afraid to Stay" and take you by the ear back to your parent house, you're fucking mental girl, wake up
You should've left the week you saw the replies to this thread when you first made it a year ago. I'd love to be proven wrong but I don't think you're ever going to leave your abuser.
Think about it this way OP, you can always go back LATER. If he gets better and changes for good, you can go back. But right now, staying will not make him change. Staying is enabling, leaving is change. You can leave, get your own place, and see how both of you change. IF the change is positive, you can go back. But nothing will happen if you stick around.
30 is not that old to start over if you do it NOW. The change needs to happen immediately, or it will be too late. You have done a lot for this man too, don't feel like you owe him anything. Most people would NOT put up with his abusive cleaning obsession. That's enough to repay all the favors he's done for you.
Unfortunately for you he is mentally ill and you leaving is the only thing that gives him clarity. You need to go, even if it's just temporary.
I think she's starting to get close, actually. The few days she had away from him just being able to live a normal life definitely seemed to wake her up a little, and she at least knows she's probably making the wrong decision by sticking it out. I understand ignoring posts like ours when in her heart she wants to be a better person than she has to be, she wants to sacrifice for someone that cared for her when she was struggling and that's understandable after as long as the relationship went on without issues like this. But he's going to relapse, he's going to turn around and refuse to see the psychologist again, and he's going to get just as bad or even worse before she ends up leaving again. I just really hope next time is the time she's been burned one too many times to trust him again.
The hardest choices require the strongest wills
I sent an email to my parents telling them I'm planning on moving out but I'm worried about money. I emailed the share house to ask if the room is still available and if I can move in this week. I'm scared. but you guys are right. If I was in the US, I would've left years ago.
Nona, how long has it been since you last visited your parents? Please consider taking a little break from Japan altogether.
I'm afraid that if you're by yourself in a country where you're isolated and alienated, you're going to end up going back to your abuser every single time as soon as you feel lonely, and nothing is gonna change.
Tell your abuser that something came up with your parents and that they need your help for a bit, then go to the US to "visit your parents" and get therapy there. You need a change of air.
Use the covid excuse to delay your trip back indefinitely.
I know you probably love Japan and stuff, but imo Japan is not the ideal place for you to regain your mental health right now.
After you clear your mind and discover your self worth and heal from all this mess, then can you decide to move back to Japan.
Last time I visited was Christmas 2019. When I came home after new years, my boyfriend was already freaking out that I may be carrying some disease "flu" that was going around.
I'm not sure leaving Japan is a good idea right now. I have a job I like, and I'm in the middle of a promotion. I have good insurance. Right now I pay about $15 per month for my psychiatrist visits, and $20 a month for my bipolar meds. I have really bad experiences with paying around 10 thousand dollars for treatment after my stroke. That's after insurance. I'm also scared of the whole Covid19 situation in the US. I don't have any friends at home either and my job options will be extremely limited until I get a driver's license. However, my parents are getting pretty old and I've started thinking about going back in a few years since I won't be continuing thongs with my boyfriend.
how is your japanese anon? if it is bad, go to classes or do a language exchange. if it is good, maybe use that to meet some new people?
please, you really need to leave japan nona. the condition this guy is keeping you in isn't humane.
i had to take care of my mother who had als for the past 5 years and she finally passed away a few months ago
i only had my sister and father to help and he couldnt really do anything since hes 64 and has diabetes and kidney failure
he was supposed to get a kidney from his brother but then he died so now hes on a waiting list which could take god knows how long
im scared and i dont think i could handle losing them both
Not to be negative, but I don't know if you meant to post this in the vent thread or not. Seems a bit out of nowhere for this thread.
OP again. Knowing I'm leaving soon helps me be patient with all the cleaning. I'm finalizing thongs but should be able to start moving in this week. The goal is to move in by the weekend if possible. My manager said I can leave stuff at work while I move my stuff. I'm so nervous I can hardly sleep. It's close.
Do it! For real this time. You're going to be free OP, don't lose this. Don't go back, don't back down, get your freedom and leave. You deserve a better life.
Yeah if you have health problems the US really isn't a good place to be imo. If you have a good life in japan at the moment, I think it's worth staying, but it probably isn't somewhere you'll want to be in old age. Like someone else said, you'll always be a foreigner.
If I were you, I'd stay in japan for now but I'd try to move into Europe eventually. Maybe meet a white guy in Japan. Just somewhere you'll be able to fit in and that won't make you bleed money in medical bills. If you made it in Japan I'm sure you can do it somewhere else.
I'm sorry, that sounds really difficult.
OP here. Boyfriend's mom called while I was working and I just ignored it instead of sending a follow-up text. Feels good.
I just paid for the share house. Tomorrow I pick up the key. I can't sleep at all this week. I'm trying to figure out how to get the rest of my stuff out and how to deliver the news to my boyfriend.
well done OP, we're all happy to see how much progress you are making and very proud of you
>>67469>move into Europe eventually. Maybe meet a white guy in Japan
Or she can make it to Europe without dating/getting married to another guy.
Fix your own fucking countries instead of coming here downgrading ours.
Shut up retard, skilled immigrants have never been bad for any country. Go cry at your government for letting in millions of undocumented, unskilled migrants (men) instead.
I'm pretty sure immigrating to Europe is going to be pretty fucking hard for her. Not impossible, but I'm going to speculate she only has a working visa in Japan in the first place if she didn't marry the OCD-haver for citizenship.
Unless you 1st world asses reproduce above the reposition rate and make crotch spawn enough to fill all the jobs, I think you'll have to get used to skilled legal immigrants helping your economies and doing the work yourselves don't do/can't have enough numbers to do
Uh is the "skilled immigrants" some sort of talking point that cancels any argument or something
Most immigrants aren't skilled.
No skilled labor jobs are something people don't "want to do", those are, exclusively, in the unskilled category.
I'm pretty sure OP counts as a skilled worker. I doubt she could spend $300 a month on alcohol as a burger flipper.
>>66462>>67536>I spend over $300 a month on alcohol for him because he uses it to function
can't risk him suddenly not being functional, right? lmao
>get OCD lunatic drunk on 300 dollars of alcohol a month>let him make "rules" for how she has to clean stuff for hours every day>why isn't his condition improving??, she kept asking for several years.
best thread on this site for sure. as I read through it I slowly went from "oh no, you poor thing" to baffled amusement to just laughing harder and harder.
Could you fuck off to another thread for the immigrant bait war?
The girl is finally improving and getting better, maybe don't shit on the thread at THIS moment
Should we just return to the assholes laughing at her for being retarded and the assholes hoping bad things happen to her for being retarded?
Or maybe like all the other anon who are actually benevolent and nice?
If the only option you see is being an asshole, the problem is you sis
>>67553>one anon is an asshole>therefore, we should all act like asshole
OP here. First night in the share house was okay. I haven't met anyone yet so I'mkind of scared to touch/use stuff that isntisn't obviously communal. It's a lot messier than I'm used to, I've picked up a lot of habits from my boyfriend that I hadn't noticed. I was nervous walking around in the communal space without a mask even though no one else was around. No alcohol /hand soap in the kitchen so I panicked a bit. The curtains in my room have some weird staining. I haven't been able to find the WiFi password.
But I was able to sleep with blankets!! I ate when I wanted to!
I couldn't sleep until like 2am. I'm still nervous and conflicted. Reading what I've written in this thread helped. The thing is, people are calling his behavior abusive, but I only scratched the surface of all the arguing and fucked up things we've done to each other. We're better off separate. He's made psychiatrist appointments and is asking me why I left suddenly. I just said I need some space.
That's normal, you likely have C-PTSD for living in an abusive situation for so long. What you're experiencing is not "habits" but the manifestation of your trauma. You panick because there is no soap even if it's not a problem for you, but because it was a problem for him and you would be shamed and abused for it.
It's good that you notice it, so you can actually see and feel the effect of the abuse in case some part of you want to go back.
Living with other people is always a bit weird at first, so for the communal thing it's normal, it's going to get better with time, don't worry about it. Ask people, talk to them a little, don't be pushy but just try it, you'll get the hang of it quickly!
You're finally realizing that yes, you're better of without him. It was never a question, you just needed to understand it yourelf. I'm happy for you OP, you're on the good path. Don't stray again! Stay on it, and go take your life!
The fact that you didn't talk about the more abusive things is kinda classical. Usually people complain about "little" things, that are actually big, and get woken up when people are shocked by the little things. And then you realize, what, they're shocked by this? But he did so much worse! And obviously, you can't talk about the so much worse because even at the time you knew it was fucked up, that's why you didn't talk about it.
He abused you, he used you, he did so much bad in your life, no matter what he does now, keep it in mind! No amount of changing is an excuse for that. Enjoy your blankets and your freedom now!
Still, I don't want to be a downer, but you have to brace yourself. It's going to get harder. You might choose to juste disappear and never give any news (I frankly think it's the best option if you can really leave and not be found, but that's not your case I think) or you might choose to just call him and tell him it's over. He's going to scream, to cry, to manipulate you again, his mother too, they're going to do everything to make you go back. They might show up at your work, they might do desperate gesture, say he's all good now, do absolutely everything to get you back.
Don't go back! It's lies and manipulation, only there to break you. When you love and respect someone, you don't abuse them and you don't wait the very last minute when they're fleeing away from you to change. Stay strong, we believe in you OP, you can do it, even if it's cliche, you really can.
I don't know, the rest of anons who posted early just seem to be assholes who get really angry when OP doesn't do what they want and get really kind and happy when she does. Implying that they don't have her and her ability to establish her best interest in mind as much as being happy when someone new conforms to their worldview, angry when they don't. In the end all that matters is OPs decisions, but some other posters just aren't. I don't even care if OP makes the right decision or what the right decision is as long as it's the one she wanted to make. I just can't shake the ilk off of these posts just being pure and totally disingenuous. >>66978>>66929>>66939
>inb4 "I was just venting my frustrations"
By being an asshole.
I don't think you can blame people on "being angry when people don't share their worldview" when they get angry because a victim go back to her abuser
If the decision you "want to make" is being beaten and abused, it's not a good decision
Like I agree that some people are assholes on this thread, but I actually do believe that's it's a mixed bag of heavy frustration to see someone willingly get abused when they are told times and times againd to stop, exactly the kind of frustation you can have when someone you love keep fucking things up when you explained them to stop, and wanting to "slap some sense" into here. Sometimes harsh words do work to wake up someone
Going "oh well, you can make any decision as long it's the one you want!" actually seems way more harmful to a victim that run to her abuser than very harsh words that could make her reconsider. I don't think you have the moral high ground here
>>67594>And then you realize, what, they're shocked by this? But he did so much worse! And obviously, you can't talk about the so much worse because even at the time you knew it was fucked up, that's why you didn't talk about it.
I needed to read that. Literally just started crying while reading your post. The sad part is I realized I did this to a degree while talking to my psychiatrist a few months ago. Like, I would mention my boyfriend got angry at me because I didn't clean the toilet enough before the repair man came and he thought we wouldn't get our deposit back. It's funny. But I didn't mention how angry he was, how he berated me until 5 in the morning calling me names and bringing up all the reasons I'm awful, or how I had to clean the whole apartment again.
Anon definitely helped a few people with her words there. I have nothing to add, just want to say thank you.
Of course you didn't. Because there is a part of you that know perfectly it's abusive and wrong. I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't want to analyze you, but most of the time when we do this thing is because for some reasons we think we deserve it. That's why abusers target, and can only target, people with low self esteem, people who are alone, people who can't fight back. They take the abuse, and think "well, it's true, I'm an awful person, so I deserve the anger"
But you can't say to anyone what the anger looks like because you always knew it was wrong, the only reason you accept it is because somehow, you have been so abused and brought so low that you begin to think that maybe you deserve it, maybe you're so awful.
If that's your case, you're not awful anon. You've been with a man that is so vicious and evil that he called you names and trashed you, humiliated you, shamed you until 5 in the morning just because you disobeyed him and forced you to clean the whole appartment because you're an object to him, not a person.
You are a person, not an object, you are not awful, you are strong, and you deserve respect, love and happiness. Don't stand for it! Stay strong, we're all with you!
Thank you. This post is like a warm hug.
Ex-boyfriend's mom is now calling me repeatedly despite me rejecting the calls, so I just blocked her. I already wasn't feeling great. I don't have anything to distract myself with so I'm trying to sleep. Hopefully I can get the WiFi password tomorrow.
Can you connect a laptop to the router? You can access the router IP and find the password.
Well done for staying in the sharehouse anon. Keep in mind that sharehouses are always a bit grotty so not feeling clean might not necessary be related to your bf and just a normal sharehouse reaction. A lot of "normal" people wouldn't be happy with no soap for example.
Obviously pay attention if you feel it is bothering you more than it would before you met him but if it's not causing stress right now then I wouldn't focus on it as you have other stuff to deal with.
>>67603>Going "oh well, you can make any decision as long it's the one you want!" actually seems way more harmful to a victim that run to her abuser than very harsh words that could make her reconsider.
I agree wholeheartedly, let's compare harsh words that may help with being a fucking asshole.
Good example of harsh words presenting possible future problems.>>66931>It's clear that japanese society isn't accepting you. During those 8 whole years you haven't been able to make any friends in Japan and have become completely emotionally dependant on an ill man. That's not normal. Even if the guy wasn't a psycho, I'd be terrified of getting myself in such a vulnerable situation.
Being an abject filthy asshole>>66929>God you are so fucking dumb
>I don't think you can blame people on "being angry when people don't share their worldview" when they get angry because a victim go back to her abuser
Getting angry? Maybe, wishing evil upon her? Oh most definitely.>If the decision you "want to make" is being beaten and abused, it's not a good decision
Whether or not she makes a good decision doesn't detract from the point that it is her decision to make. I don't care if she makes the right or wrong choice as long as she is the one that makes it. If she's just doing it because someone else told her to she has not mentally progressed from the mindset that got her stuck in her shitty situation in the first place.
>I don't think you have the moral high ground here
Good thing I never claimed to have it. You can keep that claim to yourself.
I don'thave a laplaptop or computer. I left my tablet at the apartment because I overthought things and felt weird about taking it since my boyfriend bought it for me. Stupid, I know.
OP again. I talked to my ex-boyfriend today. He's seen a psychologist and has stopped drinking since I left. He admitted the problems we've had the past two years have been mostly due to his cleaning obsessions. He tried to convince me my nervousness about getting married is normal for all women. He wants to consider us still dating but taking a break. I told him I can't agree to that right now, and I still need space. Trying to stay strong and remember how unhealthy our relationship was even before the cleaning. He blames that one my drinking / undiagnosed bipolar at the time, but we abused each other physically then. It wasn't just me.
Whew, he's trying to be nice but there are so many red flags
>thinks he knows how women think>thinks not wanting to get married is normal and has to be pushed past>wants to take a break>blaming you when he is the real issue
Stay strong OP and don't fall for what he is saying.
Good. Keep that in mind. EX boyfriend, not current!
And yes, like the other anon he's saying, he's showing textbook redflags. "I'm better now", "It's normal to think that, I know how you think, but listen to me, because I think better than you", "Yes, you're right, I was a problem, but YOU were one also!"
It's like I told you before, it's going to get harder and harder. He's in the "manipulate you" phase, trying to make you think that he changed overnight and now he's suddenly a marvelous boyfriend, and, of course, he's still preying on your vulnerability by telling you it was kind of your fault anyway.
Don't fall for it, just don't. He doens't want your love and your happiness, he want to deceive you, to trick you into being his victim again. He's not concering with your happiness, he's not backing off because you don't want something, as a loving and caring person that really want good for you would do, he's pushing you, trying to convince you to get married because of couse, that will totally fix everything.
You know what happens when someone who truly loves you ask you to marry them and you say no? They accept it and probably get sad. They ask if you still want them or if it's the end. They don't push and force you to go and have a wedding, because it's normal if you say no, after all, you're just a silly woman
Also, really, don't feel bad about when you were low.
You were drinking, you were (are) bipolar, it's okay. It doesn't make you less of a person. What it did is made you into an ideal victim. People with psychological problem are way more often victims than normal people because they're more vulnerable.
You did bad things in the past, yes, but you are sorry for it, you tried to change, and I'm shooting in the dark here, but it seems that you did change and that you are better now. Don't let the bad things you may have done and the problems you had, and may still have, overshadow the fact that he's abusive to you. It literally doesn't matter. You could be an evil overlord killing people everyday, if you have a boyfriend that constantly insult, shame and humiliate you, he's still abusive. Two wrongs don't make a right, it's a saying for a reason.
And it's obvious why he's talking about it. He wants to make you little. He wants, again, to shame you, to humiliate you, to tell you "but it's your fault, you're just crazy!" and he absolutely, 100% knows that there is a little voice in yourself that believes it. Everyone who suffer from mental illness thought at some point that they were worthless, that they were a problem, a burden to others. That's why it's so easy to prey on them, and that's exactly what he's doing.
Do you think that someone who loves you would do that? Of course not. It's not about love, it's about dominating you. Don't let him win!
It truly amazes me how he can revert into a normal person whenever you leave, and then back into crazy when he has you.
Stops being an alcoholic overnight, stops being a paranoid schizo overnight, and acknowledges his obsessive cleaning isn't normal. People take YEARS to solve all those issues and return to normal, YEARS of therapy to even recognize they were in the wrong, and this guy does it overnight. It makes me wonder if he was truly mentally ill and out of touch with reality or if he was just a sociopath. Being able to turn your mental illness on and off like that isn't normal.
He also thinks all women think the same. Not really surprising in Japan where all men suffer from main character syndrome.
I dated a Japanese guy and he was also controlling and had tantrums. The guy was a loser too, in his 30s (10 years older than me), still living at home, no real job, terrible in bed, wanted me to work for him for free, showed little interest in me when we were apart, etc. Not even that good looking. His only real attractive feature was that he spoke English when I spoke no Japanese.
Like OP, I didn't know anyone else so got back together with him but we broke up again not long after. Thankfully someone else was there when I was texting him just before the second time. He had thrown a huge tantrum and deleted me from social media after I pointed out he was emotionally cheating on me. However, he then expected me to take him back again like nothing had happened. If I had felt lonely enough, I might have. This all happened in just a couple on months.
The audacity of these men never fails to amaze me.
Or he is lying about it all.
>>67695>It truly amazes me how he can revert into a normal person whenever you leave, and then back into crazy when he has you. >Stops being an alcoholic overnight, stops being a paranoid schizo overnight, and acknowledges his obsessive cleaning isn't normal. People take YEARS to solve all those issues and return to normal, YEARS of therapy to even recognize they were in the wrong, and this guy does it overnight.
Your understanding of mental health and the practical difference between knowing something is wrong, and actually stopping the actual behaviors, is flawed. Majority of therapy is spent adjusting behaviors, not just acknowledging problems. Unless this is sarcasm, but it really doesn't read like sarcasm.
Assuming he is sincere, he is like a smoker who has stated "smoking is unhealthy", that does not mean the smoker will magically stop being addicted overnight.
At best I could state you would be right if he had a personality disorder as opposed to a behavioral one, but that doesn't seem to be the case in this thread.
>>67696>He also thinks all women think the same. >Not really surprising in Japan where all men suffer from main character syndrome.
These two sentences next to each other without a hint of self-awareness tickle me pink.
That probably had more to do with him being a jobless, lazy loser in his 30s than with him being Japanese…>>67702
>>67702>Not really surprising in Japan where all men suffer from main character syndrome.
This a well know thing though. Japanese society priorities men above women. It's why Japanese women love foreign men so much but you seldom see Japanese men with foreign women (and if you do, they will have a more international outlook).
>He also thinks all women think the same.
This goes hand in hand with the above. Women are not treated like human individuals.
I know the point you are trying to make in that Japanese men don't all think the same but sadly the fact is that they do because their whole society is built that way and Japan is very samey about everything. Being the main character is the men's role in relationships and society so the majority of them are actually like that.
>>67703>That probably had more to do with him being a jobless, lazy loser in his 30s than with him being Japanese…
I never said it was solely because he was Japanese but just pointing out the similarities.
OP again. I don't have any one to talk to except my mom, so I hope it's okay to keep updating here.
I talked to the ex-boyfriend again today. He has a job interview nearby so he's going to keep living in the apartment and pay part of the rent/utilities. I'm staying in the share house for now. We've decided not to meet up, but we'll contact eachother if something important comes up. He wants to try being together again after a couple of months. I said I still don't think it's a good idea. We're also both going to try to make friends but I have no fucking idea how to do that. One of the roommates here walked into the kitchen while I was eating, so I started to introduce myself but she just said "sorry" in English and ran away. Like literally dashed out. There's one other person living here but I haven't met them yet. No one seems to use the living room or shared TV.
>I talked to the ex-boyfriend again today. He has a job interview nearby so he's going to keep living in the apartment and pay part of the rent/utilities. I'm staying in the share house for now. We've decided not to meet up, but we'll contact eachother if something important comes up. He wants to try being together again after a couple of months.
Tell him that his financial independence (eg paying is own fucking rent) will be a good step towards getting back together and then just ghost him. Stop dragging it out and stop babying him.
>One of the roommates here walked into the kitchen while I was eating, so I started to introduce myself but she just said "sorry" in English and ran away. Like literally dashed out. There's one other person living here but I haven't met them yet. No one seems to use the living room or shared TV.
This is pretty normal for sharehouses. They don't tend to be that friendly as there is a high turnover.
Don't worry OP, of course it's okay, that's literally why this website exist
I know it's hard, but you should just stop talking to him. You broke up, you left,you should aim to go live in your own and make up goals that you actually want.
You should break your lease on the appartment, just call your landlord and tell him you're leaving. There is ZERO reason for you to pay his fucking rent and utilities, you're not living in this apartment, you're his piggybank. How much of this money could help you find your own place?
And frankly, there is no reason that something important would come up. It's an excuse, and frankly you should expect him to call because he wants to kill himself over you or something fucked up like that when he see he's truly losing you. There is nothing
important that can come up with a random guy you have no relationship with. The only thing could be because of the apartment, that you should STOP PAYING FOR!
Sometimes people can be weird in sharehouses, sometimes they're fleeing from something, they don't want to be bothered, etc. You're trying, it's good, but sometimes people are just cold. It happens. Don't take it against you.
That is very autistic, even for a japanese person. One time 3 japanese girls traveling overseas approached me and started talking to me like normal in both Japanese and English. We even exchanged twitters. So don't feel bad, it's a them issue.
You could try to find japanese people who have an interest in foreign culture or hobbies related to it. They should be more accepting. Maybe join some sort of language learning app, if you tell them you're in japan they might want to meet in person to practice. I also know a lot of japanese people start by becoming friends on twitter over some sort of shared interest like anime or hobbies, and eventually meet in person.
Here's some apps you can use:https://www.cosmopolitan.com/jp/trends/lifestyle/a30542872/bestmatchingapps/https://kojima1992.com/%E5%A4%96%E5%9B%BD%E4%BA%BA-%E5%8F%8B%E9%81%94-%E3%82%A2%E3%83%97%E3%83%AA
You really need to stop paying for this apartment tho. His mom can pay or he can move out like you did. Unless you mean it's because you're legally obligated to pay until the lease ends?
OP. I know you guys are right about the apartment. Part of me was thinking maybe if he is getting treatment and starts working we could try again.
Then I started looking into trauma bonding and holy fuck do we have that.
In other news, I bought a pot and pasta and cooked my own meal for the first time in almost 2 years. It's okay but the flavor isn't very rich since I don't have much food yet. I want to get back into /ck/, but I don't know how fun it is sober…
Well done OP. You’re making so much progress.
You should look up love bombing too.
It's just a cycle of abuse, he makes you feel very loved when you're in dire need of love, then he suddenly stop, you're starving for the love, and then anytime he's going to make the smallest "nice" gesture, you're going to run to him like a trained puppy because in your head you heard "yes, I'm going to get love!"
It's okay if you still have feelings and if you're struggling with it. It's normal. You need to be away from the abuse and start living normally and then, gradually, just like what you're experiencing now, you'll realize how fucked up the situation was and how it was not love at all. Just, break the lease and go live your own life. No going back, no matter what.
Cooking is fun! Maybe, like, avoid french and italian cooking if you don't want to be near wine, because they put a lot of wine in their recipes. Maybe buy a nice cooking book to start. Personally I bought a notebook and everytime I come across a recipe that seems fun I try it, and if it's good it goes into the notebook so I don't lose it
OP. Had another phone call with the ex-boyfriend. He expressed a lot of regret about his behavior and not getting help sooner. He said he's thinking about me all the time. BUT he also said he realizes he's verging on stalker territory, and will respect my wishes for distance and won't contact me outside of what we've agreed on.
While he's interviewing for jobs he's going to live in the apartment and pay the rent and utilities. I need to change my address but I told him I'd give him some time to get his shit together.
Guys, he was crying and it was so hard not to fall back into that caregiver role. I still feel sick, but I'm more sure of myself. Trying to stop the "what if…" thinking, because we've been trying for over 8 years. We both hurt each other, and I think we'll be better off apart.
You really need to stop the "couple" mindset, like you owe him things, or you should help him, or whatever.
He has regrets about his behavior and he wants to get help? Great for him. NOT your problem anymore. Don't talk to him, don't care about his problem, and be very careful. I had, unfortunately, lots of friends with abusives boyfriend, and my own sister with like that. It's not everytime, but often there is a "Oh I'm so much better now" and they leave, and then six months lather "he's so much better, he has done lots of efforts! we're going back together" and of course, the abuse come back. I know I'm painting a bad picture, but I think you need to have it in mind to not get abused again. Even if he really gets it, even if he really had a revelation and he know he fucked up and he's starting to own up to it. It literally doesn't matter, because you'll never know for sure and it's most likely isn't true. The reason people go back to the abuser is because they give the benefit of the doubt when they shouldn't.
Don't go back, never
go back with someone who abused you. Not now, not in one year when he's "so much bette", not in ten years. You just don't. Find someone that really loves you, or better, live your life without needing someone else in it.
Be sure that you officially break the lease with your landlord! I don't know how it works in japan and how you did it, but if you just leave like that and he doesn't pay his rents, what happens? In most places you're going to be responsible for it, even if both your names are on the lease, because you can actually pay. So be sure to do everyting by the book and have absolutely no ties left legally so you won't get fucked later.
You're starting to get better, that's good! It takes a lot of strength to resist to your old pattern, you're actually
doing it, getting free. It's a new beginning, you can rediscover yourself. Do things that you wanted to do but you couldn't because of him, experience life, do something that you didn't allow yourself before!
When I broke up with my abusive ex (it was much, much milder than you though) I started dance lessons, boxing and I went out to bars. I was never really social before and I always wanted to try the whole "go to bar and chat up with people" thing and it was great. I almost puked of anxiety before going but I gobbled up the fear and I still went. Same thing for dance and boxing, always wanted to try it, I never could because of "reasons", and it was so much fun.
Like, just find something that you really wanted to do, and try it. Enjoy your new life, give you something just for you, act like you just moved to a new city and you're discovering everything again. It's going to be great!
Thanks, anon. It's hard for me to turn off that switch. I just feel completely sick to my stomach. I tried to watch some TV, read, and draw. It helped a little. I bought a journal and started using it. I signed up for an event on meetup but it's just a zoom event. Baby steps, I guess. I think the week days will be easier because I have work.
Don't feel bad because it's hard. It's hard for everyone in your situation. It's normal. You did so much progress, you can be proud.
Journaling is nice, I do it too, it helps a lot to have a "real" eye on what happens in your life, to not exagerate things or to see when something go wrong or good. You need to take your mind elsewhere, but it's okay, you did the hardest part, now you just have to keep going.
You're really doing great OP, if you're anything like me you're not going to help yourself from agonizing about him and about all of the 'what ifs' for a while, it might seem like all you can think about. You might read posts some people make and see how intolerant they seem to be and you might feel intensely unlike yourself and reject their advice. You really can do it, I know it's hard, and it might stay hard for a lot longer than you were hoping, but you'll probably find that things will distract you at least temporarily, and over time distraction will get easier and easier until you're in control of your own thoughts again and you don't need to distract yourself. If he seems to get better in a week, a month, a year, that's really great. He's hopefully actually becoming a happier and a better person, but no matter what, you will not be able to escape the abuse you experienced with him if you return, and he won't be able to either. At some point he will see it as an option to slide back to, and when he does it will be worse than ever. If he's truly changed and become happier, he needs someone new that isn't so afflicted by his abuse and that he can't trust will tolerate the ugly person he can become. Both of you have a path to happiness, but it really can't be together.
>>67852>He said he's thinking about me all the time. BUT he also said he realizes he's verging on stalker territory, and will respect my wishes for distance and won't contact me outside of what we've agreed on.
Be careful that he might be trying to use this to excuse his behaviour. "I know it's stalking but I don't mean to".
>it was so hard not to fall back into that caregiver role
Intentionally or not, this is what he wants you to do. It's not uncommon for narcs to tell you a sob story to pull you in again when you start to slip away. I've heard lots of them: someone close to them died (even if it happened years ago), they are sick, etc. The story might be true but the sharing of the info is suspect and inappropriate.
Your ex clearly has some issues so he might not be doing it intentionally but the result is the same so treat it the same way. Tell him you are sorry to hear that, point him in the direction of professionals, and then take a step back and focus on yourself.
Did your relationship start out, as you put it, with you in the "caretaker" role?
Well, that doesn't sound like he was never good at all. What got you interested in the first place?
Well, that doesn't sound like he was never good at all. What got you interested in the first place?
The point isn't that he was never good at all tho, is it? It's that he abused her. I'm not sure making OP think about "the good old times", right now, when she's getting free of his mental grasp, is the smart thing to do for her.
Attractive, androgynous, good singer, lots of experience, outgoing, very romantic, exciting, completely in love with me, made me feel like the world, every date was exciting.
So basically you were love bombed
>>67963>Attractive, androgynous, good singer, lots of experience, outgoing, very romantic, exciting, completely in love with me, made me feel like the world, every date was exciting.
Understandable, sounds like a highly desirable state to be in, however, as far as your current description, that doesn't sound like the case at all anymore. Was the change gradual or harsh? Suddenly you woke up one day and needed to spend 4 hours cleaning?>>67952
A fair point, and a definite risk. On the otherhand, I feel like everyone else infantalizes OP (he just brainwashed you into everything, you never had any freewill, his mindgames were omnipotent and omnipresent, you couldn't help but fall for them.) As opposed to treating OP like a rational woman who obviously got something from the relationship intially and eventually found herself in something completely different. Perhaps remembering why she even cared in the first place, and comparing what he was like then to the way he is now will give her the mental clarity to move forward. There's some other far more remote possibilities, but mostly I just want to untangle how this situation developed.
I'm going to be frank and say you sound like you think people who are abused or who are mentally ill should "own up to it" or "be responsible" or something like that.
It's not infantilizing someone to tell that you got trap into a circle of abuse. It's something that actually happens, it's the mechanism use by cult leader, narcissist, abusive people in general. Accepting that someone got trapped in it is not infantilizing the person, it's recognizing why the abuse exist in the first place. People who are perfectly good in their shoes with no problem in their life rarely become abuse victims.
I don't think it's a good way to look at it also beacuse someone who was charming at the start can still be charming today, even if he's very abusive. It's perfectly understood in the circle of abuse, when an abused wife will separate the "evil husband" who beats her and the "nice husband" who is charming and cry because he didn't want to hurt his wife, even if it's the exact same person.
In short, it seems a bit accusatory of you, and not very good for OP mental state when she tries to get out. Especially when she has said repeteadly that he use the "well you were bad too!" line on her, and that she sometimes thinks that it's kind of her fault already.
>>67990>I'm going to be frank and say you sound like you think people who are abused or who are mentally ill should "own up to it" or "be responsible" or something like that.
If you wanted to be fully accurate my stance is: it is no one's fault they were abused, it is their responsibility to do something about it once they recognize it and be fair to themselves and their own needs. It is not easy, nor simple, nor emotionally direct, but everyone else in the thread has those angles covered so I'll just let you guys keep pushing that angle if it is indeed the correct one.>It's something that actually happens, it's the mechanism use by cult leader, narcissist, abusive people in general.
You see that's exactly the literature I've been reading up on in regards to these situations, the alleged methods for "deprogramming cult members" and the like who were stuck in cycles of abuse, and the "you were a victim and only a victim and never had a chance" seemed to produce worse outcomes than a holistic approach that taught them they may have found themselves in a bad situation, but that it could happen to other perfectly normal people and it's their responsibility (not fault, never their fault, responsibility) to do something about it now that they were in that situation.>I don't think it's a good way to look at it also because someone who was charming at the start can still be charming today, even if he's very abusive.
Correct, in fact it's precisely for this reason she should probably confront the fact that there are indeed reasons she will want
to go back even if they aren't necessarily good.
>In short, it seems a bit accusatory of you, and not very good for OP mental state when she tries to get out. Especially when she has said repeatedly that he use the "well you were bad too!" line on her, and that she sometimes thinks that it's kind of her fault already.
Certainly a possible issue, however "we are bad for each other" is an equally valid reason to leave as "you were bad to me" from her perspective, maybe she does or doesn't need help realizing this, in the end, the one with the most information is her.
Accuse me of what you will, but everyone else in the thread appears to be sharing your view, so you can just keep being in good company.
That's nice and good, but we're not psychologist here. The rediscovery of the situation, how it happened, how it evolved, seeing your possible faults and trying to understand yourself is something you do with an actual psychologist, not random on crystal cafe.
She can do all this work with a professional in a safe space when she's actually out of harm way for real. Having people that support her and try to help and not play the psychologist might be better for her, especially since she's alone.
Sorry for the harsh tone, but playing the psychologist with a random on the internet just seems to be a very bad idea to me. You may think that's what some of us are doing, but for me it looks exactly like the group session that I had in the past, where people are just supportive, share their feelings and give advice. The heavy job of untangling the situation and understanding how it came to be is better left to a professionnal in my opinion
Ah I forgot, crystal.cafe posters are not qualified to give psychological advice, but are qualified social workers for helping the abused. My mistake.
>>67992>but for me it looks exactly like the group session that I had in the past, where people are just supportive,
Does that include the posters like these ones?>>66978>It's her fault, 100%. I don't even blame the moid anymore, she willingly gets played again and again, at one point you have to onw your retardation>>66939>She's unironically grasping at the weebu dreamu like a retard.
So warm, so supportive.
Yeah, in the same way that you don't play the lawyer on the internet, but you can tell that you had the same problem at work and when you did X it worked, but when you did Y it was worse. Don't try to play the part of a job when you need years of education to do it well.>>67996
The fact that some people are hostiles doesn't mean that everyone is hostile. You're just arguing in bad faith now.
>>67997>Yeah, in the same way that you don't play the lawyer on the internet, but you can tell that you had the same problem at work and when you did X it worked, but when you did Y it was worse. Don't try to play the part of a job when you need years of education to do it well.
If you believe in credentialism than yes, you are correct. Regardless, I will keep doing so, and you guys can keep doing your thing, and OP can decide for herself (as an adult, with decisions making abilities) what she wants to do.
Once it gets into winter it gets tough because I wash my hands like 10+ times a day which really dries them out to the point where they crack and bleed, a couple years ago I basically spent the entire winter bleeding out of my hands. Since then though I've learned to just moisturize them constantly. I also have to tell people the reason I don't want to pet their dog is OCD and not because I hate animals. I actually really like dogs. I just don't want to go crazy thinking about how gross and contaminated my hands feel until the next time I get the chance to wash.
So jackpot, you actually think that credentials are a scam. Lawyers and psychologists have a big thing that you don't: deontology. Giving random therapy to people without knowing what you're doing is just unethical, arrogant and gross.
Keep doing your thing, I'll keep calling you out when you say bullshit without any regards to the risk or well being of OP
>>68000>Lawyers and psychologists have a big thing that you don't: deontology.
You're claiming I'm not having this interaction out of a sense of duty?
I'm saying that doing what you're doing would be considered unethical for a psychologist. In the same way that a lawyer don't give random advice on the web, because it's unethical (and that you may be considered as his client if he did, but that's an US thing)
I don't think that you're just an arrogant brat doing it to jerk your self ego, you may 100% believe what you say, but what I do think is that you're not concerned enough with the potential risk of your actions.
Also, the fact that we're on crystal.cafe is a problem in itself because there is no way to tell if you're actually being genuine, if you're actually benevolent. There is a lot of depraved people who would just love to tell OP that she kinda deserved it and maybe it's just her fault. I'm not saying it's your case, but it's a possibility for every poster, making "advanced help" we could say, really problematic
>>68003>I'm saying that doing what you're doing would be considered unethical for a psychologist.
Possibly. Some would argue posting on imageboards is unethical, what people consider doesn't effect whether or not something is unethical.>In the same way that a lawyer don't give random advice on the web, because it's unethical (and that you may be considered as his client if he did, but that's an US thing)
I firmly believe the latter is vastly more common than the former.>but what I do think is that you're not concerned enough with the potential risk of your actions.
Noted, I feel completely aware, there's no objective measure of whether or not the risk is worth it, and OP has her own ridiculous rick-analysis profile coming to cc for advice concerning this. You yourself stated that there's no guarantee anyone here is benevolent, those are your words.>Also, the fact that we're on crystal.cafe is a problem in itself because there is no way to tell if you're actually being genuine, if you're actually benevolent.
A great point, that also applies to you, and everyone else in this thread that isn't OP. You've added it to the list of your problems with me, but I'm not exceptional in this regard, besides the fact I disagree with you.>There is a lot of depraved people who would just love to tell OP that she kinda deserved it and maybe it's just her fault. I'm not saying it's your case, but it's a possibility for every poster, making "advanced help" we could say, really problematic
Completely possible. This is just a restating of the original point.
Maybe. We had six months together, then a year long distance, and then we started living together.
He definitely tried to love bomb me with the marriage. I found out he had planned a huge surprise wedding and honeymoon the day we were going to get the paperwork notarized. He said he spent a ton of money on a dress, hotel, ring, etc. It's really unlike him because he would always say how useless big expensive weddings are.>>67976
The fighting started gradually when we were both drinking, at least 5 years ago.
The cleaning started two years ago when a light fixture fell suddenly near where he was sitting and scattered glass. It snowballed from there.
OP. Talked to ex again this morning because he said it was important to sort things out. He's going to keep living in the apartment while he gets a job worked out, then he's going to move out. He wants me to pay part of the rent since I'm "causing" this situation "suddenly." He also tried to concern-troll me into moving into separate rooms in a dorm/share house he found. I assured him my current Residence is fine re: my visa and refused. I tried to explain trauma bonding and that it's like Stockholm Syndrome in a way and we both definitely have it. He agreed. He still wants to try making things work but I said no. He's back to drinking because his psychologist apparently said it's ok because "he's not addicted and can stop because he did before."
Last night I fell asleep right away despite my anxiety. Today I bought nail polish which my ex forbid because he thought it would chip off on stuff/food. I'm excited to put it on. I also signed up for an in-person meetup later this week. I wanted to buy a n outfit for it but the second hand shop didn’t have anything I was in love with.
>>68068>I'm "causing" this situation "suddenly."
Lol, this is such a typical Japanese passive aggressive answer when you call out their bad behaviour.
>He's back to drinking because his psychologist apparently said it's ok because "he's not addicted and can stop because he did before."
Do you even have proof he is seeing a psychologist? Or that they are a good one?
No proof. I don't know how I could get proof unless I went to the apartment and asked to see receipts or went with him to an appointment. He's already sending me a ton of messages whenever he feels anxious. I'm also wondering if a psychologist would encourage getting back with a girlfriend who 1. One has a history of toxic behavior with 2. Clearly does not want to get back together.
They absolutely would not. The only other possibility is that he is going but that he isn’t telling the truth.
Regardless, he’s not your problem anymore. Tell him you won’t reply to any messages that aren’t emergencies and do so.
I suspect he's not telling the full truth to the psychologist, but I have no way if knowing. He told me he wants to start seeing a psychiatrist and asked me if I could refer him to mine since the clinic is highly rated and it's hard to get an appointment as a new patient.
I'm still second guessing myself every step of the way. I just started reading "Why Does He Do That?" it's really hitting me hard side I'm going slow just a few pages at a time. I hope it helps. I'm going to try to see a psychologist and work through things. I don't know when that will happen.
He always ragged on me for being bad with money, but now that I'm not supporting two people I had plenty of savings left over before payday. So I can definitely afford to see someone.
>>68144>He told me he wants to start seeing a psychiatrist and asked me if I could refer him to mine since the clinic is highly rated and it's hard to get an appointment as a new patient.
I'm pretty sure the same psychologist won't see you both, unless he just means the same clinic. But even then, do you really want to potentially run into him after a difficult appointment? Or if you stop talking completely?
Tell him to find his own one.
I'm not sure if it's this way everywhere, but here my psychiatrist appointments just consist of a short 10-15minute "counseling" followed by a short chat with the psychiatrist and receiving my prescription. But I'm going to start seeing a psychologist as well soon, I just have to decide where to call. I was late to my appointment so I didn't get a chance to bring it up anyway.
I'm seeing a lot of my ex-boyfriend's behavior in "Why Does He Do That?", it's pretty validating.
I think I was confusing psychiatrist and psychologist. I think psychiatrist is ok to see the same one as it's not a regular thing but a psychologist that you go to weekly should be separate.
OP here. Reminding myself that he has to want to change, and that change will take time. I can't believe his claim that he's "better" or the abuse will stop because he's getting help. Again, he's not even taking medication yet.
This book is great for that. You're doing good OP, congrats
I'm surprised I've gotten this far. I still feel like I'm floundering. You guys, my mom, "Why Does He Do That?", and le reddit have all helped me.
The breakup and parenting chapters of Why Does He Do That? scared the he'll out of me, especially because his father was violent and abusive. Also, he hasn't physically hurt me recently (just restrained me) but has in the past.
We're texting tonight to decide what to do about the apartment.
OP again. We had an hour talk on the phone. He's seeing a psychiatrist and isn't taking regular medication but has "emergency" pills that he's taking when he gets panicked. He apologized and said the doctor helped him realize he was using me as an excuse for all his problems because I was the easiest, closest target.
Now that we're both getting help for our issues, he wants to give the relationship one more try.
He's going to spend the week cleaning the apartment. Then this weekend we're going to look at a share house that allows couples and possibly move there to save money and start over. We set boundaries and made clear expectations of each other. There's also a job opening near the share house. So he's applying there this week. Either way, I'll be able to save money in case things don't work out.
WTF OP. It's been, what, one week? No one turns their life around from issues that have been lasting years in one week. He's just saying this to reel you back in.
Don't know if you have gotten that far in the book yet, but they make it clear that the man shouldn't be getting attention/praise/privileges etc until he has completely reformed himself. He hasn't even applied for a job yet, let alone gotten one and stayed at it long term! Going back to him will just feed his ego and toxicity and nothing will change.
Just cut contact already. Even if he somehow has fixed 100% of his issues in a day, you're always going to be terrified they will return. You will be flinching every time he say "the apartment is messy" in case his obsession cleaning takes over again. It's just not worth it. There are literally billions of men out there and you're choosing to be with the only one that has abused you. Whyyy.
OP for the love of god STOP
It's been one week, one fucking week. You're doing the exact same thing you did everytime. He act like a good boy and now you run back to him!
Look here >>68391
You're surprised you've gotten this far? Well if you follow the road you're taking right now, you're just going back to where you were.
Things WON'T work out, he's been abusing you for over a year. Less than a month ago he fucking proposed to you to get you to stay, of fucking course he's going to say he's going to get much better. You're ruining your progress. Stop going back to him like every abused wife under the sun, it's mental
if cleanbro loves OP he will wait for her and work on the things that cause her stress, simple as. if it takes a decade, so be it. don't rush op. the posts here are so harsh, maybe that's needed, but I hope you truly focus on yourself and know that love lasts despite time apart.
>>68399>if cleanbro loves OP he will wait for her and work on the things that cause her stress, simple as.
This 100000%. There is no reason for him to rush.
My bf and I lived together during the lockdown and the stress started to get to him. Nothing close to OP's bf but out of character for him as someone who is normally pretty calm and takes care of themselves psychically. He wasn't doing anything to me or all that bad but was clearly upset with himself and not caring care of himself.
A few months ago he took himself to a psychologist without telling me. When he did tell me, he suggested we spend some time apart so he could work on himself mentally and physically. He got a personal trainer, went to a dermatologist, asked for a less stressful role at work, found an airbnb to stay in, and continued with the psychologist all of his own accord. He missed me lots when we were apart but made it clear that he didn't want to meet again until he felt better with himself.
This is the sort of thing that you should be expecting OP at the bare minimum.
This is quite possibly the most frustrating thread I've read in ages.
i feel like im reading a lolcow thread. OP… no…
Is this an elaborate troll?
Good job OP, one year of trolling is quite a feat, I admire your dedication to your craft
It's a social experiment in which we keep coming back to the thread every time hoping that OP will change, meanwhile we preach at OP for getting back with abuser-kun every time hoping he will change.
A-Anon… I have nothing to say
You got me
I feel dirty now
jesus fucking christ op have some self respect, this is so upsetting to read. go back now and you're never getting out of there again.
I think you're both right… OP, please tell us the truth. Did you make all of this up just to entertain or troll us?
OP here, I'm not a troll. If he will continue to see a psychologist, I'm moving into the apartment with him. I'm still not sure it's the best idea. But we can get the current apartment sorted out. If I have to leave, I won't be in this position again. I know he's on his best behavior but he's doing a lot better and treating me well. If he can continue to see the psychologist and starts applying to jobs like he promised I think we may be okay. I'm going to try to make friends from now on so I'm not so isolated.
Who wants to bet how long it will take until OP is back again with “you guys were right” again? One month?
Why? I really want to understand why, I don't want to mock you or anything. I just can't understand. Why do you go back again?
Some quotes from you OP. Maybe it will help.>I just started reading "Why Does He Do That?" it's really hitting me hard>He wants me to pay part of the rent since I'm "causing" this situation "suddenly.">We both hurt each other, and I think we'll be better off apart.>Then I started looking into trauma bonding and holy fuck do we have that.>I talked to my EX-boyfriend today>He tried to convince me my nervousness about getting married is normal for all women. >He blames that one my drinking / undiagnosed bipolar at the time, but we abused each other physically then. It wasn't just me.>Like, I would mention my boyfriend got angry at me because I didn't clean the toilet enough before the repair man came and he thought we wouldn't get our deposit back. It's funny. But I didn't mention how angry he was, how he berated me until 5 in the morning calling me names and bringing up all the reasons I'm awful, or how I had to clean the whole apartment again.>The thing is, people are calling his behavior abusive, but I only scratched the surface of all the arguing and fucked up things we've done to each other. We're better off separate.>To the anon who said any nice action is enough to make me reconsider… You're so right.>You guys are right. I'm scared, I'm alone, and I'm easily convinced.>But when I was considering marrying to get my boyfriend under my insurance, I was absolutely disgusted with the thought of living this way forever. It was way more scary than moving to the share house.>You guys are right. I was taking the easy way out by just following my boyfriend's sudden marriage plan. It's a trap to gettingsstuck in an unhappy, unhealunhealthy relationship.>I can't marry someone who doesn't even let me boil pasta. What the fuck was I thinking.>Boyfriend's mom is trying to guilt me into going back saying she's crying, telling me my boyfriend's grandma is panicking he's going to die. I'm trying to stay strong and realize they're just trying to guilt me into keeping him comfortable. >Last night I only slept 2-3 hours ar best because he kept waking me up to open drinks and clean for him.>He insists he doesn't have ocd and everything is caused by me>You were right. Things were good for less than a week. Then things have slowly escalated back to before. Earlier this month he said he was open to seeing a psychologist but has since changed his mind.>But I'm second guessing myself, if I don't help maybe I really am the psycho bitch he said I am. Or is that just me giving into years of abuse?>After being berated to the point of tears almost every day for a week I finally was truthful in an email to my mom. She was so understanding, loving, and supportive that it just broke through all the comfy lies I was telling myself. I'm being abused.
That's what you're coming back to OP. Maybe you should make sure that's really what you want for your life.
dont dont dont dont dont dont dont dont
OP here. We're moving this week. I haven't given notice at the share house yet, and on my mom's suggestion I'm going to keep paying the rent so I have somewhere to move out to if I need to. After this week our current apartment will all be taken care of. The new apartment is under my boyfriend's name, so if I leave it will be a clean break. He's paid the rent/deposit, and is paying the moving costs. I'm trying not to feel guilty about it since I've been paying the rent for 4+ years.
OP he's only being nice to lure you back.
The crazy Corona cleaning is all gone. We've been going out, using the shared kitchen, even coming home and sleeping without showering. It's amazing. But I'm still walking on eggshells in the apartment. He still has hangups about the bathroom, hand washing, and other things. He's still self-medication by drinking until he can sleep. And he still expects me to go spend 3+ hours in a bar (sober), take care of him while he's drunk, and clean up after. The nice thing is he's paying when we go out again.
He's also making comments like "You're stupid so you can't understand." "All your ideas are dumb." "You're stupidity is causing me stress." "You make yourself into a heroine so people will feel sorry for you."
Things are not great but okay. I'm worried things will go back to how they were before. I gave the old share-house notice I was moving but haven't filled out the actual forms yet. I've moved my stuff out but I'm considering just moving back once we are officially moved out of the apartment. Then he will be all set up and can't play the"I'll be homeless" card. Just thinking about doing this makes me feel like shit. Am I a shit person? Am I giving up too soon?>>68667
He hasn't he got you back fully and he's already treating you terribly. It's not going to get better. Just leave and block.
leaving an adult man alone in an apartment you helped him get will never, ever be as bad as what he has done to you or continues to do to you. if he's already being verbally abusive while trying to butter you up, do you think it won't escalate once he makes sure you won't leave?
>>69046>He's also making comments like "You're stupid
And he’s completely right lol
Things are fucking awful. Maybe for someone who's been as abused as you that's "okay", but for a normal person that's not okay at all.
A fucking alcoholic, mentally ill man baby who needs mommy to look after him yet somehow believes he's still better than you and can insult you.
I can't imagine my bf ever calling me stupid. He goes out if his way to show me I'm smart, even when I do dumb shit. And I can't imagine ever calling him stupid or insulting him like that. That's just the bare minimum, you don't insult someone you love. He has zero love for you.
OP is an attention-whore with no desire to change or elaborate troll. Stop replying ffs there's literally no other reason someone would update 10+ times over 1+ year time while ignoring the one advice that has been posted TENS of times.
you're being cruel and presumptuous. she's in an abuse situation. not saying it can't be a troll but if it is true, she appears to have no support network either. >>69046
and anon, trust, he has made you his comfort zone, and that's…not healthy or good for anyone involved. you probably have convinced yourself that you're doing something wrong when in reality it's probably the ONLY way you can ever create meaningful change in that asshole.
it's only a downward spiral from here with him, for both parties.
and, devil's advocate. let's presume that there's missing information. or, "I'm just as imperfect as him." Lol. Well. What I said above STILL applies, like, you really need to gather yourself and grow a new life elsewhere.
also, he, well, seems like a horrible, abusive person like I noted and I wouldn't be surprised if he's gaslighting you and narcissistically devaluing you like crazy. and…yes I don't know, but I assure you that his aim in doing so has little to do with you and more to do with a means of tearing apart anything that threatens his control over you.
AND, let me say this:
imagine that you had a best friend or someone you loved really much. think about them being torn apart by a man they gave years away to. imagine them seemingly being sweet and trying their best. imagine how frustrated that'd make you.
just because an abuser has some pain backing up his actions doesn't entitle him to shit.
No. OP is stupid and her shitty boyfriend is right lmao. Read this entire thread and tell me that OP is an intelligent, sane person.
you come across as privileged twat from lolcow and too dumb to understand how trauma can influence people's minds and behavior.
right, so you think him bullying her and yet staying with her is some saint? her asking her to help him do extremely retarded things? losing hours upon hours of sleep and being taught to doubt herself because of the fuckery isn't the problem, or her being conditioned to proverbially doubt everything she feels or thinks, but her just being very nuts from the beginning?
it makes me roll my eyes when people think victimhood is sterile and cleancut, no one is saying OP is perfect. but that's what happens in these situations; someone's mind gets increasingly twisted up in abuse situations.
I knew someone in a similar situation for many months that degenerated heavily. Months after cutting him off and being alone she was much sharper and happier.
Nope, not on the boyfriend’s side. I just think OP is an idiot for repeatedly leaving the abusive bf and then coming back claiming that he’s “changed” after a WEEK. This has been going on for a year.
You're right. He doesn't know I haven't filled out the moving out paperwork yet, so he's already comfy that I'm staying with him. He does do nice things. Like when we went out a few nights ago he ordered seared salmon because I love it, without me noticing it was the daily special. But then he spent the rest of the night commenting on how expensive the salmon was. :/>>69070
You're right, he's definitely been gaslighting me. Usually when he's unhappy with a decision we've made together or that he made, he shifts the blame to me.
I don't know if I mentioned it, but this I'd my first relationship. He uses that against me a lot. Like "I know this is your first relationship so you don't have the experience, but normally couples can't break up just because one person suddenly decides to leave. It has to be a two person agreement." >>69064
I honestly suspect I'm a little retarded. I also have physical brain damage from a stroke that effects my memory. >>69067
You're right, I focus on the little grains of positivity I can find instead of accepting just because things are better they aren't shitty.>>69070>>69071
ok that's more fair, sorry. just don't like the insult-to-injury for this absolute clusterfuck of a situation. >>69087>two person agreement
I can't tell if he's just exhibiting autistic tendencies or full-on manipulating you, lol.
anyway maybe write down some comments that help center yourself when you feel uncertain in the future? like the other anon is right to be frustrated at the indecision. many of us here have watched a lot of people descend into horrible situations with all sorts of disturbing mental gymnastics.
He used to be a pretty successful host, so he knows how to manipulate women well. I've seen him do it to others and I've seen him manipulate his mom as well. I don't know why I thought I was special.
>>69090>I don't know why I thought I was special
Because you were manipulated as well. Part of that would have been making you think you are not like the others and special.
Keep trying OP, only a few more to go.
>>69087>But then he spent the rest of the night commenting on how expensive the salmon was.
Imagine doing this. Like actually imagine sitting with someone you love, and ordering something they like. Then you realize it's expensive. You are now upset. Why? Because you don't think the other person is worth it. You don't think they deserve this expensive thing. You regret wasting so much money on them. So how can you get revenge? You complain. Make them feel bad for it. Make them feel like they owe you for it. It might not get you your money back, but at least you gain some power. The other person now feels bad and wants to please YOU in an attempt to feel better.
Alternatively, he picked it precicely because he knew it was expensive and it was all planned to make you feel bad.
This is the kind of psycho you're dating. He was never doing nice things. It was all carefully planned. I'm sure this is mentioned in those books you were reading.
Doesn't OP's bf not work either? He ordered it, she has to pay, yet he complains how expensive it is. Literally all he did that was nice was read the menu.
In fact, he didn't even do that lol if he didn't realise the price
Ouch. Maybe you're right. He did something similar last night/this morning. Last night he made rice so we could have breakfast together without worrying about the time. When I woke up he asked me to organize the clothes I washed a few days ago. So I did. Then he wanted to take a shower. There's only one mirror so I had to wait to put on makeup. In the end, I didn't have time to eat breakfast and he got upset that I was worried about being late for work. Even though I'm the one who isn't getting breakfast? >>69120
He doesn't work but he has money from savings and investments.
Not sure if this is trolling or genuine…. But honestly, I've been thinking about this a lot. I was so close last time. This time I won't have the apartment for him to use as leverage. Once I move out I can make a clean break. I have time to plan, too. But I won't be able to sneak out this time. I'll have to find a way to tell him and leave. The plus side is I know he won't want to make a scene in front of others.
Not trolling bestie, it's a real thing. If you keep trying it'll work eventually.
I was watching a Netflix show about an abused woman who is trying to leave. She goes to a domestic abuse shelter and they tell her the same thing that's in that image. She ends up going back too because she has no other place to stay.
eh, anon, make all the plans first, make it so you have a safe place that he doesn't know about (be very mindful about it), and whatever you do…
do not give him time or opportunity to tell you anything different. and I recommend finding more copes you can use to distract yourself from him so next time you leave, you can focus on them.
btw, what do you mean by not being able to sneak out? is it because he is on the lookout for it?
I put the share house I'm moving back into as my address for 2022 on my taxforms today. I'm trying to remind myself of the he'll that the last 5+ years has been. It's hard not to feel sorry for him because we've introduced ourselves as a couple to everyone and then I'm going to leave next month.
The current room we have is basically a very small studio apartment. There's a bathroom, a closet, a fridge, a kitchen sink, a bed, and a desk. If I bring extra stuff to work with me he'll immediately notice. He's also been extremely possessive since I came back. He got mad that I wasn't wearing the ring he gave me years ago that I always wore, so I put it back on. When we went out last weekend he insisted we hold eachother as we walked. Etc.
I might be able to set aside some clothes when I do laundry, but there's nowhete to put them. My share house room is 45 minutes away by subway. :/
Stop sneaking around. Just tell him you are leaving and go.
We still have a family-sized apartment full of stuff under my name that I need his cooperation to clean out. We are officially ending the contract on the 29th. After that I plan to leave and cut ties. I don't want to keep sneaking around.
good luck nona. once you're out of there you'll immediately realize just how much better things can be, so don't turn back on your decision.
I hope so. I'm really panicking about how I'm going to survive on my own. My mind keeps coming up with excuses and reasons to stay. Looking over how horribly we've treated each other helps remind me. Mostly how upset he gets at me. I wish I had time to keep journaling, but since we moved back together the only time I have alone is my subway commute.
OP double posting again. Things are still better. He only drinks a few tall beers on weeknights. Gets mad at me less often. I left my keys in the common dining room and he had nothing negative to say about it. He even picked them up for me while I was at work. But I still don't feel good. I have no time for myself. I'm dehydrated and under-eating (but overeating when we go out on weekends). I've only worked out once since we moved when I used to do it 5 days a week. The commute is long. And I'm still having panic attacks at night wondering if I'll be able to make it on my own. I've been with him since I was 21. I don't know how to be an adult without him. If he wasn't so personable we wouldn't have found someone to help us move.
And today I started thinking, maybe the abuse was all in my head. Maybe things are good and I shouldn't complain. But then I was thinking, if we had a healthy relationship, wouldn't he have given me room when I needed it? Instead of trying to get me to marry him and then later move somewhere with him. He said he needed me to move, but I don't think that's true.
I don't want things to get bad again but I wish I could stop second-guessibg myself. My mom says she's worried for my safety which makes me worried, too. I just want to get rid of our old apartment already. We have so much dirty laundry because instead of using our last weekend at the apartment doing laundry like I wanted to we went out to bars until morning. And he tried to blame it on me for having too many clothes. These are clothes that he refused to let me wash FOR A YEAR but didn't wash himself. Thinking about it, that alone should be reason enough to leave.
Thanks for letting me hijack my own thread and use it as a diary.
i think you should make a list of all the most horrible things you remember about your experience with him and read it over whenever youre doubting your decision
also! if youve managed to live as an adult while taking care of a manchild like him, being alone will be even easier, so dont worry about it nona
>>69402>abuse is in your head
anon, you're basically gaslighting us now.
literally you've said things that he said that show he was abusing you. your brain is just playing tricks on you and has defaulted to the "idealization" mode because you desperately want to find silver lining and an excuse not to leave.
I went to my psychiatrist today and it helped to talk about what's happening to someone irl. I have to prioritize my happiness. Being unhappy and dealing with residual trauma from the last 2 years and before is reason enough to leave. I don't need any other excuses.
Just easier said than done. I think once I'm back on my one I'll feel better? I hope?
I feel so gross keeping this huge secret while he thinks everything is fine. I don't know how I'm going to leave. If I want to take things with me I'll have to talk to him before I go. We move out at the beginning of the week, so if we're going to sit down and discuss things I'll have to wait until the next weekend. Or I can take what I can grab with me to work like last time. That just feels cold to someone whose been in my life for a decade.
OP I went through something similar to you, and I don't know if yours is the same but my ex tried to talk me out of it when I confronted him about leaving. (un)fortunately I was already at my absolute breaking point and didn't given in. be prepared to stay strong, or be prepared to potentially cut your losses and only take what you get out on your own. you can do it
Don't feel gross, you have to keep it to youself for your own safety, that's a 100% justified reason. Not like he deserves it after abusing you anway.
He's doing better and has gone down from two packs a day to 3-4 beers. He's fine talking in common areas without a mask. But in the apartment I still have to follow his cleaning rules. I feel like he treats me like a pet. Like I'm here to comfort him, help him, have sex, and have kids with. I feel like he likes the idea of being with me but doesn't actually like me anymore. He finds something to call me stupid for almost every day. Yesterday it was because I threw my mask away in the shared kitchen trash. He even went back to the kitchen and fetched it out when I was in the shower. I told him to watch how he talks to me but he just replied he didn’t use swear words or raise his voice so it's okay. I don't want to be talked to like that every day of my life. Wondering if maybe I am stupid and worthless. Then today he told me I "can't" buy food outside for my lunch because he's going to take care of finances because I can't and we need to save money. Even though I only spend ~$4 on lunch when I buy food. I'm just tired of him talking down to me.
Maybe I will just have to cut my losses and not take anything with me. I'm mad at myself for taking everything out of my share-house room, even though I don't know how else I could've gotten him out of our apartment. At the very least I have a sheet and blanket for the bed and my phone.>>69457
You're really strong for being able to break things off.>>69461
I wasn't so scared before but after reading about stalking behavior after breaking up I'm worried that he knows my workplace and the area I'm going to be living in.
The apartment was looked over and I returned the keys. One less thing to worry about. Now I'm trying to figure out how I can leave with some clothes and a winter blanket. I might have to say I'm going to the laundromat and leave.
laundromat excuse sounds like a good idea. you can do it op. remember that you deserve better, and that you don't owe him a final conversation or anything at all
Thank you. Honestly I just want to go to my own sharehouse room tonight after work and be done with it but then I'd just have this one pair of clothes. I'm on edge and ended up raising my voice ar my boyfriend during breakfast in the common kitchen. No one else was in there but the windows were open and now he's upset. I'm just sick of being treated like a pet, having orders barked at me. It's annoying, he always tells me I'm angry in the morning. But when I'm not with him, I love sleeping early and waking up early. I just hate him ordering me around and making snide comments about me. Ugh.
OP again.This week he registered for wifi and now he wants me to drop my currentplan and get a new phone/plan under his nameas part of a bundle. My phone is actually extremely old and my plan isn't great. So it's been hard to sensibly argue against it without explicitly saying "I'm leaving soon and don't want my phone under your name." I'm panicking again but trying not to give in.
Tell him you once ran up a huge bill by accident and you want to keep it separate so you don't do that to him.
Unfortunately we've been together long enough that he knows my phone habits and would know I'm lying.
Honestly it's at the point where even though things aren't as bad as they used to be I get set off so easily. I just want to walk out so I can get a good night's sleep but like my mom said, if I leave unprepared I'll make things even harder for myself. If I can't bring a winter blanket I might just have to give up and buy something second hand or a sleeping bag. It's annoying because I got a really good deal on those blankets and I want one, dammit.
OP. Yesterday I tried to explain why I was unhappy to my boyfriend, and he spoke back to me like I was a child. Then I made a small mistake which he was reasonably upset with, but then he tried to gaslight me about it.
Today I got a small bit of clothes together to bring with me to work. Boyfriend caught on and confronted me but let me go when I opened the door . I'm going to the share house room tonight. There's a lot of stuff I didn't bring, but I can slowly build it back up.
Thanks. I don't feel good about it right now. I just keep telling him I know he's been trying, but I helped him through x,y,z and now I need him to help me by giving me space to heal.
OP again. I talked to him and it turns out we made an appointment to see a counselor together and I somehosomehow completely forgot? He even has the proof. There's also a ton of stuff I need that I don't have. I didn't plan this out very well.
I’m betting you didn’t forget anon and he is lying.
I'm already back. It was really poorly planned on my part.
anon please just leave japan this isnt good for you at all
make plans with your parents to stay with them until you can get back on your feet, im sure theyd be willing to help you out
there's never going to be a perfect time, you just have to do it
What I don't understand is why you can't just openly pack your bags, take everything you need and leave while making it clear you're leaving. I'm not going to read the whole ass thread so apologies if you've already stated reasons for this. Is he gonna physically prevent you from leaving? Is he physically abusive with you? Anon above me mentions you have parents, are your parents not in a position to help you get out of there?
>>69746>Unfortunately we've been together long enough that he knows my phone habits and would know I'm lying.
Why don't you tell him to fuck off?
OP is dead. He killed her.
People usually get busier around Christmas time.
I'm still alive. I ended up giving my move out notice to the old share house room because my boyfriend made me feel so bad about it. But I miss how content I was there.
When I'm out, I understand how unhealthy our relationship is nd how it's not what I want. But when I'm here he somehow convinces me everything is my fault nd I'm the bad guy for trying to leave and abandon him. He's now trying to get me to marry him before the year ends. Part of me believes it could help, but I also know stupid that part of me is. I've been having a lot of memory lapses lately which also has me confused and scared.
>>70628>I've been having a lot of memory lapses lately which also has me confused and scared.
This is either a trauma response or your bf is gaslighting you into thinking you're forgetting when you're not.
Make a list on your phone of reasons why you need to leave. Use this thread to help you remember. Whenever you feel that things are going well and that you should stay, l ook at the list to remind you of the reality.
Absolutely do not marry him under any circumstances.
Why do you always ignore the important questions? Anons just above you asked you why you just won't tell him to fuck off? Why it matters if he knows you're leaving? Whether or not your family can help you get out of the grasp of your abusive bf? Why won't you answer the important questions? And now, you didn't just go back to him, you're saying you think it could probably be a good idea to marry him. Do you realize what that means? Marriage legally binds you to him. That's literally all marriage is, it won't do jack shit for you relationship and it'll only put you further into trouble becuase you'll be chained to him by him. Marriage isn't a fairytale that'll magically turn your relationship around, it's a legal contract and he wants to use that legal contract to legally trap you.
How many more times do anons here need to tell you to get out of fucking there? How many more times do anons need to tell you your bf is abusive and a piece of shit? How many more times do anons need to tell you you're NOT in the fucking wrong for """abandoning""" him?
I swear this thread is so fucking infuriating to read and it only gets more infuriating everytime you come back to post and somehow manage to make it even more fucking worse. say even more ridiculous things. If I could I'd travel to fucking Japan and personally drag your ass out of there.
Ok but you have a whole thread of people telling you he's wrong. You could write about your relationship in a public bathroom stall and strangers would still tell you he's wrong.
Join an abused woman group or something and you'll have a whole group of irl women telling you he's wrong if you need it.
Hell you could even write this in 4chan's /adv/ and I guarantee moids there would still tell you he's wrong.
If you marry him you're gonna end up dead for real. Either because he will kill you in a fit of schizophrenic rage or because you will kill yourself out of desperation knowing death is your only escape.
>>70628>He's now trying to get me to marry him before the year ends. Part of me believes it could help
my personal theory is that OP is a druggy. she talked about how she enabled her bf's alcoholism and now she's talking about memory problems, and in general:>nothing ever changes in her life even though she hates it
that's how drug addicts are.
Please mods delete this. Please. One day she will stupidly mention this post to him, he will read this and get angry and kill her.
She's presenting the whole story in a way that makes him a villain and her a victim, and he will be PISSED. Especially if op is a bit of a covert narcissit (which I suspect) and plays the victim role a bit too much. Delete this before somebody dies.
why do you think she's a narc? she seems like a textbook case of a codependent pushover
idk i'm not a mind doctor sheesh
what if two people could both kill each other? who's the villain then?
I don’t think OP is a narcissist. I think her brain damage has actually lowered her IQ.
are you trying to gotcha? because it's not working
dont fucking marry him jesus, it feels like youre forgetting what youve even said in this thread before. re-read it and lay off the cocaine
This soap I bought doesn't rinse off easy enough. Unless I spend a minute rinsing after each wash my hands and wrists end up itching. This isn't what I need when cold dry weather starts. This sucks.
… please leave OP. Please just leave. Rip the band-aid off. Things aren't going to get better in your life until you start looking after yourself. He's not worth it, he's just some deranged cuckoo.. you don't wanna spend the rest of your life with him. And you sound like you have tonnes of problems as well.
Please make the world a better place and just LEAVE.
This really reads like something from a true crime video, op you NEED to leave what the actual fuck
You said he wasn't like this before and changed over time, what makes you think he won't start beating the shit out of you or worse the moment you give in for the 100th time? If he tries anything you are FUCKED absolutely nobody will help you in this country, Japanese women are already in a terrible situation when dealing with domestic abuse (which you are already a victim of) and you are a foreginer so you'll have it a 100 times worse
You said it yourself, he was host and you saw him manipulating woman, he's keeping you around as a slave and would probably cheat on you (if he hasn't already) if it wasn't for his psycho behavior and alcoholism
hell he's pretty ugly and fat too if he chugs 4 beers a day and doesn't go out
You have wasted years of your life on him, leave before you waste anymore, you're still young op
not a single thread here has made me this frustrated wtf
Saw this thread was bumped and thought it might be OP.
Hope OP is doing okay. I think about her every so often and hope she gets out.
Jesus Christ I just read through all of this in one go.
Leave him, even leave japan for gods sake! He's clearly a manipulating abusive dangerous man. There is nothing left but lies and pain with this man. Grab a little money, your passport and buy a ticket out of the area or country, cut off all contact! HE IS SHIT AND THERE IS NOTHING BUT LIES AND PAIN FOR YOU THERE.
God fucking speed OP, please update!
I bet she's either dead or the social experiment/troll is over
I bet she's either dead or the social experiment/troll is over
I just read this all in one go too, its like and entire fucking season of a soap opera in this one thread. OP needs to leave Japan but everyone has been begging her to for a year now, there's nothing we can say, no matter how much we're rooting for her and want to see her out of this situation. I'm so invested but so sad… any updates from OP recently just depress me at this point.
I'm not a troll, I've been having problems posting to this thread since I got a new phone.
Since it seems I can post again… Things have been generally getting better. My boyfriend has genuinely been trying to take care of me and be supportive. I think we're both willing to put in the effort to make things work.
I could be wrong but this doesn't sound like OP. But if it's you kek at getting banned
Is it really you OP? Have you found some type of support net in Japan that is not your bf or his family?
This doesn't sound promising at all
Just happened to get lucky and make less typos. My old phone made it hard to go back and fix mistakes. There's English predictive text but no spellcheck. I'm also on anti-anxiety meds because I couldn't sleep due to stress/panic attacks so maybe I just sound more positive.>>75183
Not really. I made some surface level friends at the new sharehouse. I was pretty open about the fact that we fight a lot. But no real deep friendships, I'm pretty retarded when it comes to other people. There was one girl who was really nice and would invite me to stuff but she stopped being social afer a covid scare in the sharehouse.
The person I found it easiest to talk to was this guy everyone else was kind of scared of because he has tattoos and an anger problem. Take that as you will, I guess. It just felt like he was less judgemental when I talked about stupid arguments my boyfriend and I had.
And my psychiatrist and supervisor still know what's going on. My psychiatrist seems to support trying to make things work, my supervisor thinks my boyfriend needs a job first.
I don't know if it's the right choice but we're filing the marriage paperwork today. After fucking up his life when I was manic I feel like I should give my best try to help him. If things don't get better after he gets everything he wants, I'll know it's not my failt and I can leave guilt-free.
I have pretty low self esteem and a bad opinion of myself, but at least I am not as retarded as OP.
Just don't post anymore. There is no point to this thread since you don't listen.
For the love of god, please don't marry him. You're signing your death warrant if you do.
Right. Go marry your abuser and please stop updating here because you refuse to take any of the overwhelmingly unanimous advice and help you so "desperately" plead for. You refuse to even comment on the very valid questions anons are asking. This thread was useless from the start, you never wanted help, you just wanted comfort and validation without getting out of your comfort zone. You're comfortable with your abuser, you don't want to leave and won't admit to it, you refuse to face the facts that your abuser won't change for you. Please stop updating.
How would marrying him change his personality, improve his mental health and give him a job? Idealism at its finest.
For the absolute love of christ, do NOT marry this man. You literally started this post off by saying that you were desperate for help.
You do NOT need a billion other anons to tell you that the situation you're in is not okay, you knew this from the start and god forbid you sign marriage papers with this man. He has already well and truly pushed the boundaries already.
You can't live like this, you literally don't owe him anything. You didn't fuck up his life, he is literally unhinged. Put yourself first and get the fuck out, he doesn't deserve your help and the only help he can actually benefit from his learning within himself how to deal with his own shit. You can't leave a marriage guilt-free, there's the off chance it's leverage for him to use against you. You don't have to stay, you deserve so much better.
things like OCD and trauma at this level of severity can't be managed by you and you alone, you cannot change him, even a professional would have a hard time with him.
Please anon, for your sake. Leave. He will never change no matter how hard you try, he's way too far gone and needs genuine professional intervention that you are not capable of providing, not matter what you might think. There's a better future ahead without him in it, trust me. I've been in similar situations multiple times.
Another point i need to add is that you made this post two years ago. You're making a decision that you're still unsure of. It's been two years, you still haven't left.
Will you truly leave if this doesn't work out? has it ever worked out? he hasn't changed. He literally can't change without professional intervention, you can't help him anymore. You're enabling him into thinking his behavior is okay and you'll always come back, if you don't leave he's going to get way fucking worse and torture and stress you to death in the long term. There's way more cons than pros. Please understand this. You cannot continue to wait for years for him to change.
Just for a moment, disregard the other anons that are frustrated and dismissive. I really want you to understand that this is a cycle that is hurting you, and you deserve better. You've suffered enough, please do what's right for you and get out. You CAN get out, i believe that you can but you need to cut him the fuck off once and for all and slowly build a new future without him.
This post hit home for me because I've been stuck in situations like this and it fucked me up badly but I'm on the road to recovery and i want the same for you too. You need to leave, work on yourself and heal from this.
You won't be alone forever, you'll find someone much nicer and kinder to you once you yourself are nicer and kinder to your own mental health and get into a better headspace and understand that you can't love men like this. Leave and start taking small steps first.
These kinds of men don't truly love you or care about you, they want someone to look after them and have an emotional punching bag to blame all of their problems on so they can live like a child and never grow up.
Whew, I was actually getting worried OP was actually murdered.
this shit like denko-chan but in reverse
OP here, things seem to be getting better. He has things to focus on instead of just brooding so he's getting more positive. He seems to be excited about doing job interviews now that we've decided the area we're going to live.
Cleaning is still at normal levels, nothing over the top. We're staying with his family right now whole we fond a place and their dogs are so dirty but he's beig a champ about it.
OP here back to diary-post, I hope that's okay. We moved in with my husband's family. About the time we moved in his grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and it's getting progressively worse. He is constantly cleaning up after her and spends all day bding her care-taker. He wakes me up two hours early to help clean and do chores in the morning (before my now 2 hour commute) and yells at me and calls me lazy if I complain or take a nap after finishing th3 chores. He takes out his stress on me and expects me to stay up until 3-4 am everg night so he can relax while his grandma sleeps.
This morning he told me to take a shower after taking out the trash and thag was pretty much my tipping point. I will not go back to how things were before.
I feel like the asshole considering leaving while things are tough but he's back to telling me I don't need sleep and I'm a lazy bitch.
His mom found a part time job for him and he won't even take it. I'm so upset.
Are you leaving for real or are you just saying it? Have you called your family?
This has been said a million times already OP but he is treating you like trash. Why do you care about his feelings when he doesn't care about you? Just fucking leave already and block and ghost. He's a big boy and can get over it with time. Not your problem.
please, please, please, for the love of God, leave him already. this relationship is a disease, and the only way to treat it is to cut him off completely. and when i say it's a disease, i mean that's it's a disease for both of you. he's never ever going to fix his act so long as you are around and so long as you put-up with his behavior his abusiveness will continue to be enabled. he'll continue to wallow in his own self-loathing and unaddressed mental issues and take it all out on you because it's easier than actually fixing himself. And don't think for a moment that you can fix him by staying; you can't. the only person who can is himself, and as it is he's simply not willing. if you want to do what's best for yourself, for him, and for your family (Lord knows they'd never want you to be stuck in this situation) you have to leave and you can't ever look back.
Things never changed. I'm sure you're exaggerating, and think they did. But to any normal person, your life would be unbearable.
I wonder if OP even reads the replies or if she only uses this thread as a blog. Like sooner or later she'd have to realize that all the anons calling her a retard for staying with her manipulative boyfriend might have a point.
Everytime this thread moves up in the catalogue I click, hoping it'll be some nice update about her having cut all ties only to be disappointed. As if I am a reflection of OP. Always coming back.
this post is almost exactly like your very first in this thread.
the only difference is that "boyfriend" became "husband".
he has not changed, and he never will. You need to leave if you ever want to be happy again.
not dating is not a cause for death. he will survive if one day you just cant keep up with him because he refuses to help himself.
wasting your life, energy and mental health like that can be damaging for you.
Wow, you actually married this fucking waste of air. Good job on handicapping your own life. You will never get this time back. I hope you at least kept your own fucking last name and have your own bank account.
> I feel like the asshole considering leaving while things are tough
For all that is good and holy, you must realize by now this is going to keep happening. You will cycle through your abusive relationship, having good times and bad times. The bad times are going to keep happening, this man will not change for the better and at this point, I don't think you will either. You're going to become another statistic because you refuse to advocate for yourself and leave. But go on, prove us wrong!
OP here. Sometimes I come here to blogpost when I'm upset because I have no one else to talk to. But I do read and consider all the replies.
How are you doing, OP? Did you husband ever take up that part time job?
I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. He hasn't gotten a job yet but he's making some side money with investments, and we finish the last payment on the old apartment next month so my paycheck will go further. Things have been stressful at home because of his grandma's illness and on top of that the family pet is hospitalized and dying. So I haven't been pushing it but I guess I should. Despite the stress things are kind of comfy. Idk maybe I'm just deluding myself. I'll try bringing up work again this weekend.
You need to VENT. You need to YELL at him, give him a good SLAP and tell him the truth about him. You need to tell him that there are many many men who don't go so far into cleaning, that 99% of men would not order you to take a shower after taking out the trash, and that yet YOU are the one who has been doing 99% of the job in this relationship even though YOU are the one with very low standards (clearly, sorry). You need to tell him that YOU are the one who keeps trying to get out of this horrible situation and that every time you let him a chance, he wasted it despite begging you every time to come back. You need to tell him that either he should show you he actually wants you in his life, or he doesn't get to have you.
or simply STOP. You want to stay with him but you don't want to have a shitty life with him? stop letting him make the rules. why should you obey to him despite being the one who holds most of the responsibilities ? MAKE THE RULES. MAKE. THE. GODDAMN. RULES. IN THIS HOUSE.
The cleaning and rules have toned down a lot the past month. Mostly because he gets so exhausted taking care of his grandmother who actually is dirty to the point of being dangerous due to Alzheimer's. By the end of the day he's too tired to freak out about little things.
How do you say 'god made dirt and dirt dont hurt' in japanese?
No advice since you already married this useless shit in a country where divorce is literally impossible without the signed consent of both parties (or buckets of money and a year+ in legal bullshit), but I’ve got to ask out of curiosity:
Was the tattooed moid from your last sharehouse some bitter French 40yo with a beard? Please battered nona, I’ve just got to know
you're a fucking loser for letting yourself get treated like this and staying lmao. go back home to ur country u stupid delusional weeb.
I thought about it but the job market seems like hell in the US and I don't have much savings. I also can't drive which eliminates me from any jobs above supermarket/food service since my parents live in the subburbs. Also I'm scared of the us medical industry from past experiences. I'm afraid I'll have to go off my medication for a while which would be bad.
This is a dedicated and intricate troll and you all know it kek
OP again with a positive update for once. We were going through my husband's phone because he was thinking of giving it to a family member and he found his journal entries in the memo app from around the time I started thinking of leaving to when I left. They were all dated and I don't think they were fake. He actually did go see either a psychiatrist or psychologist (he didn't specify in the entry). The entries were filled with so much love and hope for the future that I was really moved. He really was planning to have a real wedding with all the dressings. Which I know is love-bombing but it wasn't intentional. He just really wanted us to have the best time we could, while I was just thinking about myself. I know it doesn't justify his abusive behavior, but I understand where he was coming from.
Cleaning is way way down to pretty normal levels. Only thing that I hate how he criticizes me for is how I use chopsticks because he's afraid I'll drop food on the sheets. (We're living in a small space so we sit on the bed and eat dinner at a desk…)
>>82557>HE found HIS memos conveniently filled with nice things during one of the times I was the most miserable
Lmao OP. Do you know how narcissist it is of him to show you that?
He was miserable, too. I meant nice things like "I made anon dinner, I'm excited for her to come home and try it."
That is not an excuse or a reason to treat you like an animal. But that doesn't even matter, because he is just showing you those notes on purpose to make you feel bad and manipulate you into staying. And it worked perfectly.
I hope you realize how fake and planned this is. A normal person would not keep around a diary filled with nice things and love for their partner, yet treat them like a subhuman slave at the same time. They also would not show you this, this is incredibly narcissistic like I said already.
If emotional support + advice with 0 payoff was an energy source, there'd be enough in this thread to power a thousand suns.
This thread is TWO YEARS old, why are any of you still attempting to convince her? My bet this is a troll, but if not she's such a retard that she'd rather live in mental and physical anguish at the hands of her abuser than to take all of your sane advice despite her ooooh sooooo dEsPeRaTe plea for help. So why bother anymore? Let this thread die already.>>82629
Sounds fake as fuck.
Idk it's normal for abused women to leave and then come back a bunch of times, because their situation without the moid isn't ideal. So the moment he does something nice, they get reeled back in.
troll thread and guaranteed not the same person posing as OP in each blog post
after working in a domestic violence shelter i believe this shit wholly, this situation is so fucked up but really does mirror how someone reacts to being abuse. if she doesn't get the fuck out of dodge this is just going to perpetuate forever.