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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Advice and Support General Thread! Anonymous 68781

Come here, wayward souls, for any matter big and small. Insight to comfort can be found here for your issues or conundrums.

Anonymous 68783


how do you shake off internalized ageism? I'm in my late 20s and I keep on being hit by "there's no point in learning a new thing" swamp feelings. It isn't that I expect to ever be perfect at what I try, but more that I want to be able to recreate what's in my head in a brilliant way and…I worry that I won't. That there will be a glass ceiling I'll hit or something.

Also, sometimes I notice kids already developing a major passion/talent for something.
I'm worried about still being mediocre by the time I'm in my middle years. I don't know how to shake off the feeling and instead be able to dive into something with childlike enthusiasm.

Anonymous 68785

> don't know how to shake off the feeling and instead be able to dive into something with childlike enthusiasm.
I understand you're trying to illicit a sort of "playful explorative" aspect from learning, but as someone teaching myself to do all kinds of things I can say I have zero "childlike enthusiasm", only dedicated sense of responsibility. If there is any element of "childlike play" associated with the activity, it's after you've already buckled down and actually started getting moderately good at it to some degree. As far as how to even get to that point, I recommend looking at your own two feet and nowhere else. It doesn't matter where anyone else is, what matters is where you are today in comparison to where you were yesterday. It also helps if you envision and make as real for yourself as possible how good the future could be should you choose to do your best, and, perhaps even more importantly, how awful the future could be assuming you just give up and never attempt in the first place. That heaven and hell waiting for you in the future and focusing on it should help slightly.

Lastly, I recommend breaking down the process of whatever it is you're trying to learn into it's tiniest possible actionable steps, so you can focus on taking those steps forward while you patiently wait to grind enough to be good. There are no guarantees, you could in fact end up old and mediocre at everything you do, it is quite a possibility, but you also could be so much more if you did try, and you could be so much fucking less if you just wallow in self-pity.

Anonymous 68787


I'm going to be seeing my childhood friend and longtime crush in a few weeks. We haven't been able to visit for years (covid didn't help) and now that we're both adults and able to meet in-person… It'd be nice to start a relationship… But even if we don't, I want to have a good time.
Really excited but also nervous. Anyone have tips? Anything from calming nerves to getting as attractive as possible within 3 weeks would help…

Anonymous 68788

Just be yourself anon, hope it goes great for you!

Anonymous 68812

geez, lost my first reply to this. It's kind of a weird concept all around so I hope I explain it right.

I think more of what I meant was being able to shake off my unhealthy emotional ties to the finished product, the future, and not feel so much dread. I expect sometimes to be powered by mere dedication bc I don't expect to be driven by passion or genuine enthusiasm always. AKA, I want to re-orientate myself to be more into progress orientated.
It's hard to describe…but I actually think there is a fundamental difference in physiological behavior and attitude of people that regularly learn a lot of things and are efficient at it. Like, negativity doesn't seem to creep up on them. They seem to physiologically handle it better. I fully believe they had to work through a lot of things but…ok.
In the past I have tried (for something related to a job) to work through it ended up brewing a lot of toxicity and dread because I had unresolved issues, which backfired heavily eventually and poisoned that thing for me soooo yeah I'm quite guarded.

Anyway your advice is still great; I'll paste it to my notes.

Anonymous 68818

>If there is any element of "childlike play" associated with the activity, it's after you've already buckled down and actually started getting moderately good at it to some degree
I agree with this. The hardest part of learning something new is starting from scratch. Once you start to see progress, that’s when motivation starts kicking in because you don’t feel like your efforts are useless. Not exactly what anon was asking probably but I thought I would chip in!

Anonymous 68823

I need advice from people with roommates: how did you meet your roommates?
I do get along with my parents but we don't have a lot of space here (and because of me, my brother has to sleep in the smaller windowless room). No, we can't switch rooms because his room wouldn't fit my work-from-home equipment. Also I want some space to do intermittment fasting without being seen as anachan (i'm not).
Anyway, how do I find someone I trust enough to share a living space with?

Anonymous 68852


Should I approach a dude who works in the same mall as me? And what to say?
I'm ready to continue my LOVE QUEST but not fuck it up this time.
We likely go to university together as well, so that's an opener. But I have little to no excuse to talk to him because of where he works. I'm also not going to just ask him on a date right of the bat since that always failed.

I asked on 4chan and they said shoot my shot but female opinion is also important to me. I also plan to reference a normie male friend just to be safe.

Anonymous 68874

can I get feedback about the idea of not being traditionally trained with instruments learning how to make digital music?

I don't like electronic music in general that much but I've found a lot be able to hit wonderful emotional beats sometimes. And I wonder how many people have just taught themselves to make music using some program only and have succeeded at it.

-person who can't afford learning a real instrument (plus can't because I'm around people that'd hate it if I played an instrument) but wants to dabble

Anonymous 68875

idk, if you think it'll eat away at you to not try, you should.

juuuuust keep in mind that a huge caveat is that a lot of guys that are approached end up severely devaluing the girl–seeing her like a free meal (sex) ticket. it's rare for a guy to actually respect it or find it cool. so, you should keep in mind if he seems lukewarm, chances are you probably won't be able to bridge the gap. but, if he seems honestly invested, it's fair game.

Anonymous 69028

It's a great idea, honestly you don't need to know how to play instruments or know music theory to make beats or compose

I learned to use FL Studio and I can now make pretty much anything so it's definitely doable. It'll take a while but there's a lot of guides on youtube. And idk if FL Studio is the best DAW, there might be better ones for beginners but at least it's handy for making beats

Anonymous 69049


Is it normal that my step mother's very presence activates my fight or flight response? she seems to go through phases of bitchiness so some days are harmless while other days I can't even sleep with her around.
even my dad says nothing is ever good enough for her and there's no way to pacify her, so I know I'm not just a bad kid.
it's like I'm a dog and my hackles are always up. when she's gone it's such a great relief.
is this just how older women are? the idea of having a friendly relationship with your parents is so far beyond me I don't even believe it.

Anonymous 69059


How do you learn to not care so passionately about stuff, and to not put your self esteem into work?
I work at a fast food place and it's an enjoyable job at a nice location with great people. But for some reason I got really sad when I looked up Google Reviews for our place and saw reviews that were negative. My coworkers meanwhile are chill and don't stress over matters too much. How do I learn to not want to seek approval so much? I think I come off as a kissass when it comes to pleasing managers.

>inb4 read the picrel book

I did but I forgor (sorry had to)

Anonymous 69060

Dw that book sucks anyway, waste of time

Anonymous 69061

big fan of the "self help books that have swear words in the title" genre

Anonymous 69074

>How do you learn to not care so passionately about stuff, and to not put your self esteem into work?
Just to make sure I understand, part of your goal at this time is just to not have so much self-esteem tied into work, but I don't understand the second part. What "stuff" do you want to be putting less passion into? That's pretty general so hard to give advice for. Got any examples other than work?

She already read it, so I don't understand this comment.

Anonymous 69081

low quality question, but is it true that some people just have ugly days, especially when they're tired?

I always get "wow, you look like death!" when I'm tired, sometimes straight-up shock, while other people usually just look a little rough at most. It's hard to not internalize it, especially when my health isn't good.

Anonymous 69118

Sorry for not being so coherent, but I'm only talking about work. Like I want to do well and do a good job when I clock in my shifts and all that but how do I go about not caring so much about like if a manager shouts at me or if a customer gets angry? It genuinely shuts me down and I would like to be more care free when it comes to the opinions of others.

Anonymous 69237

how do you stop being so self-conscious?

recently I developed monster hollows around my eyes and they are painfully visible. sure, my undereyes have been hurting for a while now but I doubt that's related.
I've bee sighing about it as it's pretty much proof I'm aging like milk and tbh I've seen people shit on it like it's the worst thing ever to happen to women.
oh and yeah even with make-up on, it looks like a massive v-shaped pit under my eyes.
people were already constantly say I look like death even when I was 19 so…yeah. this is rough.

I realize that things aren't going to get better.

Anonymous 69239


This is going to sound like weird advice, but it worked for me. I have horrible dark circles, perpetual, like, I have been told that I look like I have been punched in both eyes in the past. I also have moustache fuzz that is very visible and I used to cry over it and hate myself and give myself chemical burns with hair removal creams just to rid myself of it.

I used to cake my face in makeup- cream over my under eyes and powder on my moustache. (It did not cover up the problems, just kind of put a bandaid on them. There is no concealer strong enough for my eyes.) I found that it made me feel WORSE once I washed the makeup off.

I'd catch my face in the mirror in the morning after washing my makeup off and think I was looking at a fuzzy wendigo in the the dark bathroom. I quit washing my face and started caking makeup over day old makeup between showers so I couldn't see that bitch anymore in the mirror.

I no longer have any self-conscious feelings about these things and here are the steps I took.

1) Stop looking in the mirror. If you need to look to brush your teeth, look at your teeth and don't make eye contact with yourself. Doing your hair? Just focus on your hair. If you feel the urge to look at yourself when unnecessary, snap yourself with a rubber band or something.

- The reason why you need to get into this habit is because you can't get rid of self conscious thoughts with willpower alone. You have to literally remove the vehicle that is bringing your self conscious thoughts forward. In this case, it is your reflection.

2) Reduce the amount of makeup you wear and focus more on just taking care of your skin with moisturizers. You mentioned that makeup isn't even really hiding your "issue," so what is the point, anyway? Just make sure your skin is soft and healthy for yourself and fuck makeup. Wiping makeup off at the end of the day is practically self harm IMO- it gives you a warped sense of your own looks, and if you already struggle with that it'll increase tenfold.

- If you can start feeling comfortable in your own skin sans makeup, your perceived flaws are going to shrink in your mind's eye. You no longer have anything amplifying it, so you can train your brain to be comfortable with what it has.

Once you get used to your face with less or no makeup (really, I suggest none as much as possible) and train yourself to stop glancing at yourself in the mirror at every chance, it's likely you will start finding yourself naturally more comfortable in your skin. You can't be self-conscious about something you no longer can nitpick in the mirror.

I don't know if this is the best advice, or if it'll work for you, but I am not being dramatic when I say it changed my life. I used to think I looked like a troon with wasting disease, and by doing this over the past few years I have really helped heal my self image tremendously. I still have off days, but jesus it's like night and day compared to how I used to feel about my appearance.

Plus, just, like, get into moisturizing the fuck out of yourself. It makes you feel healthy and good, and it's good practice to keep your skin in good shape.

anyway, this might be the most terrible Crystal Cafe brand of advice but honestly at least it is something you can try

Anonymous 69558


original poster back–this was actually really good advice. been trying to carry it through (like disabling my selfie cam, etc).

admittedly I still am trying to get away from the desire to be attractive. it's really dumb because I recognize that it IS an existential dead end and also because I'm probably mediocre looking. Honestly, through my life I've always been overlooked and it's like…there's a little goblin in my head that, treacherously, keeps on perking up when a guy is around, wanting to be seen, to be appreciated, and it's so goddamned vapid.

Anonymous 69562

need help with what possibly is my biggest insecurity–one that makes me feel trapped in my own head and body…and even soulless, or possessed by a vengeful accountant.

so, I was super neglected growing up and learned how to speak years after other kids and I basically rarely showed any emotion and I…eventually stopped showing any emotion at all after a while. been months or even years since I last laughed. my mind's flatlined and no idle thoughts come to me.

I yearn to be able to make connections, make jokes, laugh, and just…entertain myself? at least? how do I start changing the way my mind works–is that even possible?

Anonymous 69563

Is there some kind of media you like to consume? Have you tried making up fanfiction for it in your head? Or even self-insert fantasies (doesn't have to be sexually). It might help jump-start your imagination.

Anonymous 69566

Yes. Hang out with me for 3 hours. I could probably get you laughing and we'd be on a roll after a while and you'd see yourself do it and snap out of it.

Anonymous 69568

long story short, i met up with a group of internet friends i didn't know super well. all male (i was naive) things seemed awkward but okay until the next day i was shunned from the group, kicked from servers, and i came to find out almost a month later they talk about me every day insulting my appearance and cracking such nasty jokes. not to mention one of the guys assaulted me while i was drunk. i let it slide because i knew that being a female would help my case. when i did share my side to some of the group, they feigned understanding and empathy then were chatting with the others making fun of me for it.

i never even wanted anyone to know he assaulted me, but he ended up telling people i came onto him etc. etc. and it hurt to be lied about.

i know people are shitty, but the advice i need is WHY? is it because i am ugly? due to me being female? is something wrong with me and i'm not sure what? i've been so kind and caring to them, i just wish something like this didnt happen. i've never been called fat since i had a chubby middle school period so i truthfully want to know if im the problem. why do they talk about me daily when i havent been in contact with any of them for nearly a month now?

Anonymous 69571

In online circles, obviously there aren’t a lot of new events that happen where stuff from a month ago is considered old news. You’re a woman who engaged herself with low quality men and misogynists who equate a woman’s value to her beauty. They saw you as unattractive and think that’s funny… I’m sorry but please try to make some female friends and stop meeting people you don’t know too well from online. The truth is that you will always be a joke to them but you have to just move on mentally.

- girl who spent a chunk of her life in discord circles

Anonymous 69590

advice: cut off any way you have of hearing about them talking about you or any news of them. I have no idea how you're still able to see it.

and also, the other person is right. a lot of men see women like sport–and a lot of male friend groups are dying for an opportunity to sadistically tear down a woman so they can brag about it over and over again to their male friends.
they honestly seem like they have no life and are incel-adjacent thugs.

side note: please stay away from male friend groups. literally if I had known you back then I would have warned you away from such a group.

Anonymous 69607

thank you anons. im not grateful i was sexually assaulted but im grateful that i am less naive now.

Anonymous 69947

have any of you guys suffering severe fatigue for most of your lives (including as a kid) and gotten better?

I think a few years ago I had my first good night of sleep and everyone I knew freaked out the second they saw my face, insisting that I looked so much more fresh and less deathly.
I caught before/after picture evidence of my face and…turned out I actually look like death all the time but didn't on that day. the dark circles I had since I was a toddler were gone. I looked good, it was shocking. And, tbh, the second I woke up I felt amazing. Just thought I was imagining everything.

Pretty much 99% of the time though I feel very exhausted and look like shit. Eyes hurt. Headache. Etc. A very strained look about my face It's very demotivating in general and it's hard to just get through the days.

Anonymous 69961


What are your favorite motivational quotes that make you not want to give up?
>t. student who thinks they will never succeed in their field

Anonymous 69964

is that the squidward suicide creepypasta? I remember when that went viral lol

Anonymous 69977

Ya lol

Anonymous 69978

"Keep trying till you get it right"
or something like that. They're right.

Anonymous 69987

Probably make an onlyfans? I don't like recommending that but if you're doing it anyway, you might as well make more money. I think the real money is in making custom content and chatting on of.

Anonymous 69989

I've read that most people don't actually make that much money there. NTA btw

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