/feels/ - Advice & Venting

how do you shake off internalized ageism? I'm in my late 20s and I keep on being hit by "there's no point in learning a new thing" swamp feelings. It isn't that I expect to ever be perfect at what I try, but more that I want to be able to recreate what's in my head in a brilliant way and…I worry that I won't. That there will be a glass ceiling I'll hit or something.

Also, sometimes I notice kids already developing a major passion/talent for something.
I'm worried about still being mediocre by the time I'm in my middle years. I don't know how to shake off the feeling and instead be able to dive into something with childlike enthusiasm.

>>68783
> don't know how to shake off the feeling and instead be able to dive into something with childlike enthusiasm.
I understand you're trying to illicit a sort of "playful explorative" aspect from learning, but as someone teaching myself to do all kinds of things I can say I have zero "childlike enthusiasm", only dedicated sense of responsibility. If there is any element of "childlike play" associated with the activity, it's after you've already buckled down and actually started getting moderately good at it to some degree. As far as how to even get to that point, I recommend looking at your own two feet and nowhere else. It doesn't matter where anyone else is, what matters is where you are today in comparison to where you were yesterday. It also helps if you envision and make as real for yourself as possible how good the future could be should you choose to do your best, and, perhaps even more importantly, how awful the future could be assuming you just give up and never attempt in the first place. That heaven and hell waiting for you in the future and focusing on it should help slightly.

Lastly, I recommend breaking down the process of whatever it is you're trying to learn into it's tiniest possible actionable steps, so you can focus on taking those steps forward while you patiently wait to grind enough to be good. There are no guarantees, you could in fact end up old and mediocre at everything you do, it is quite a possibility, but you also could be so much more if you did try, and you could be so much fucking less if you just wallow in self-pity.

I'm going to be seeing my childhood friend and longtime crush in a few weeks. We haven't been able to visit for years (covid didn't help) and now that we're both adults and able to meet in-person… It'd be nice to start a relationship… But even if we don't, I want to have a good time.
Really excited but also nervous. Anyone have tips? Anything from calming nerves to getting as attractive as possible within 3 weeks would help…

>>68787
Just be yourself anon, hope it goes great for you!

>>68785
geez, lost my first reply to this. It's kind of a weird concept all around so I hope I explain it right.

I think more of what I meant was being able to shake off my unhealthy emotional ties to the finished product, the future, and not feel so much dread. I expect sometimes to be powered by mere dedication bc I don't expect to be driven by passion or genuine enthusiasm always. AKA, I want to re-orientate myself to be more into progress orientated.
It's hard to describe…but I actually think there is a fundamental difference in physiological behavior and attitude of people that regularly learn a lot of things and are efficient at it. Like, negativity doesn't seem to creep up on them. They seem to physiologically handle it better. I fully believe they had to work through a lot of things but…ok.
In the past I have tried (for something related to a job) to work through it ended up brewing a lot of toxicity and dread because I had unresolved issues, which backfired heavily eventually and poisoned that thing for me soooo yeah I'm quite guarded.

Anyway your advice is still great; I'll paste it to my notes.

>>68785
>If there is any element of "childlike play" associated with the activity, it's after you've already buckled down and actually started getting moderately good at it to some degree
I agree with this. The hardest part of learning something new is starting from scratch. Once you start to see progress, that’s when motivation starts kicking in because you don’t feel like your efforts are useless. Not exactly what anon was asking probably but I thought I would chip in!

I need advice from people with roommates: how did you meet your roommates?
I do get along with my parents but we don't have a lot of space here (and because of me, my brother has to sleep in the smaller windowless room). No, we can't switch rooms because his room wouldn't fit my work-from-home equipment. Also I want some space to do intermittment fasting without being seen as anachan (i'm not).
Anyway, how do I find someone I trust enough to share a living space with?

Should I approach a dude who works in the same mall as me? And what to say?
I'm ready to continue my LOVE QUEST but not fuck it up this time.
We likely go to university together as well, so that's an opener. But I have little to no excuse to talk to him because of where he works. I'm also not going to just ask him on a date right of the bat since that always failed.

I asked on 4chan and they said shoot my shot but female opinion is also important to me. I also plan to reference a normie male friend just to be safe.

can I get feedback about the idea of not being traditionally trained with instruments learning how to make digital music?

I don't like electronic music in general that much but I've found a lot be able to hit wonderful emotional beats sometimes. And I wonder how many people have just taught themselves to make music using some program only and have succeeded at it.

-person who can't afford learning a real instrument (plus can't because I'm around people that'd hate it if I played an instrument) but wants to dabble

>>68852
idk, if you think it'll eat away at you to not try, you should.

juuuuust keep in mind that a huge caveat is that a lot of guys that are approached end up severely devaluing the girl–seeing her like a free meal (sex) ticket. it's rare for a guy to actually respect it or find it cool. so, you should keep in mind if he seems lukewarm, chances are you probably won't be able to bridge the gap. but, if he seems honestly invested, it's fair game.

>>68874
It's a great idea, honestly you don't need to know how to play instruments or know music theory to make beats or compose

I learned to use FL Studio and I can now make pretty much anything so it's definitely doable. It'll take a while but there's a lot of guides on youtube. And idk if FL Studio is the best DAW, there might be better ones for beginners but at least it's handy for making beats

Is it normal that my step mother's very presence activates my fight or flight response? she seems to go through phases of bitchiness so some days are harmless while other days I can't even sleep with her around.
even my dad says nothing is ever good enough for her and there's no way to pacify her, so I know I'm not just a bad kid.
it's like I'm a dog and my hackles are always up. when she's gone it's such a great relief.
is this just how older women are? the idea of having a friendly relationship with your parents is so far beyond me I don't even believe it.

How do you learn to not care so passionately about stuff, and to not put your self esteem into work?
I work at a fast food place and it's an enjoyable job at a nice location with great people. But for some reason I got really sad when I looked up Google Reviews for our place and saw reviews that were negative. My coworkers meanwhile are chill and don't stress over matters too much. How do I learn to not want to seek approval so much? I think I come off as a kissass when it comes to pleasing managers.

>inb4 read the picrel book

I did but I forgor (sorry had to)

>>69059
Dw that book sucks anyway, waste of time

>>69060b
big fan of the "self help books that have swear words in the title" genre

>>69059
>How do you learn to not care so passionately about stuff, and to not put your self esteem into work?
Just to make sure I understand, part of your goal at this time is just to not have so much self-esteem tied into work, but I don't understand the second part. What "stuff" do you want to be putting less passion into? That's pretty general so hard to give advice for. Got any examples other than work?

>>69060
She already read it, so I don't understand this comment.

low quality question, but is it true that some people just have ugly days, especially when they're tired?

I always get "wow, you look like death!" when I'm tired, sometimes straight-up shock, while other people usually just look a little rough at most. It's hard to not internalize it, especially when my health isn't good.

>>69074
Sorry for not being so coherent, but I'm only talking about work. Like I want to do well and do a good job when I clock in my shifts and all that but how do I go about not caring so much about like if a manager shouts at me or if a customer gets angry? It genuinely shuts me down and I would like to be more care free when it comes to the opinions of others.

how do you stop being so self-conscious?

recently I developed monster hollows around my eyes and they are painfully visible. sure, my undereyes have been hurting for a while now but I doubt that's related.
I've bee sighing about it as it's pretty much proof I'm aging like milk and tbh I've seen people shit on it like it's the worst thing ever to happen to women.
oh and yeah even with make-up on, it looks like a massive v-shaped pit under my eyes.
people were already constantly say I look like death even when I was 19 so…yeah. this is rough.

I realize that things aren't going to get better.

>>69237
This is going to sound like weird advice, but it worked for me. I have horrible dark circles, perpetual, like, I have been told that I look like I have been punched in both eyes in the past. I also have moustache fuzz that is very visible and I used to cry over it and hate myself and give myself chemical burns with hair removal creams just to rid myself of it.

I used to cake my face in makeup- cream over my under eyes and powder on my moustache. (It did not cover up the problems, just kind of put a bandaid on them. There is no concealer strong enough for my eyes.) I found that it made me feel WORSE once I washed the makeup off.

I'd catch my face in the mirror in the morning after washing my makeup off and think I was looking at a fuzzy wendigo in the the dark bathroom. I quit washing my face and started caking makeup over day old makeup between showers so I couldn't see that bitch anymore in the mirror.

I no longer have any self-conscious feelings about these things and here are the steps I took.

1) Stop looking in the mirror. If you need to look to brush your teeth, look at your teeth and don't make eye contact with yourself. Doing your hair? Just focus on your hair. If you feel the urge to look at yourself when unnecessary, snap yourself with a rubber band or something.

- The reason why you need to get into this habit is because you can't get rid of self conscious thoughts with willpower alone. You have to literally remove the vehicle that is bringing your self conscious thoughts forward. In this case, it is your reflection.

2) Reduce the amount of makeup you wear and focus more on just taking care of your skin with moisturizers. You mentioned that makeup isn't even really hiding your "issue," so what is the point, anyway? Just make sure your skin is soft and healthy for yourself and fuck makeup. Wiping makeup off at the end of the day is practically self harm IMO- it gives you a warped sense of your own looks, and if you already struggle with that it'll increase tenfold.

- If you can start feeling comfortable in your own skin sans makeup, your perceived flaws are going to shrink in your mind's eye. You no longer have anything amplifying it, so you can train your brain to be comfortable with what it has.

Once you get used to your face with less or no makeup (really, I suggest none as much as possible) and train yourself to stop glancing at yourself in the mirror at every chance, it's likely you will start finding yourself naturally more comfortable in your skin. You can't be self-conscious about something you no longer can nitpick in the mirror.

I don't know if this is the best advice, or if it'll work for you, but I am not being dramatic when I say it changed my life. I used to think I looked like a troon with wasting disease, and by doing this over the past few years I have really helped heal my self image tremendously. I still have off days, but jesus it's like night and day compared to how I used to feel about my appearance.

Plus, just, like, get into moisturizing the fuck out of yourself. It makes you feel healthy and good, and it's good practice to keep your skin in good shape.

anyway, this might be the most terrible Crystal Cafe brand of advice but honestly at least it is something you can try

>>69239
original poster back–this was actually really good advice. been trying to carry it through (like disabling my selfie cam, etc).

admittedly I still am trying to get away from the desire to be attractive. it's really dumb because I recognize that it IS an existential dead end and also because I'm probably mediocre looking. Honestly, through my life I've always been overlooked and it's like…there's a little goblin in my head that, treacherously, keeps on perking up when a guy is around, wanting to be seen, to be appreciated, and it's so goddamned vapid.

need help with what possibly is my biggest insecurity–one that makes me feel trapped in my own head and body…and even soulless, or possessed by a vengeful accountant.

so, I was super neglected growing up and learned how to speak years after other kids and I basically rarely showed any emotion and I…eventually stopped showing any emotion at all after a while. been months or even years since I last laughed. my mind's flatlined and no idle thoughts come to me.

I yearn to be able to make connections, make jokes, laugh, and just…entertain myself? at least? how do I start changing the way my mind works–is that even possible?

>>69562
Is there some kind of media you like to consume? Have you tried making up fanfiction for it in your head? Or even self-insert fantasies (doesn't have to be sexually). It might help jump-start your imagination.

>>69562
Yes. Hang out with me for 3 hours. I could probably get you laughing and we'd be on a roll after a while and you'd see yourself do it and snap out of it.

>>68781
long story short, i met up with a group of internet friends i didn't know super well. all male (i was naive) things seemed awkward but okay until the next day i was shunned from the group, kicked from servers, and i came to find out almost a month later they talk about me every day insulting my appearance and cracking such nasty jokes. not to mention one of the guys assaulted me while i was drunk. i let it slide because i knew that being a female would help my case. when i did share my side to some of the group, they feigned understanding and empathy then were chatting with the others making fun of me for it.

i never even wanted anyone to know he assaulted me, but he ended up telling people i came onto him etc. etc. and it hurt to be lied about.

i know people are shitty, but the advice i need is WHY? is it because i am ugly? due to me being female? is something wrong with me and i'm not sure what? i've been so kind and caring to them, i just wish something like this didnt happen. i've never been called fat since i had a chubby middle school period so i truthfully want to know if im the problem. why do they talk about me daily when i havent been in contact with any of them for nearly a month now?

>>69568
In online circles, obviously there aren’t a lot of new events that happen where stuff from a month ago is considered old news. You’re a woman who engaged herself with low quality men and misogynists who equate a woman’s value to her beauty. They saw you as unattractive and think that’s funny… I’m sorry but please try to make some female friends and stop meeting people you don’t know too well from online. The truth is that you will always be a joke to them but you have to just move on mentally.


- girl who spent a chunk of her life in discord circles

>>69568
advice: cut off any way you have of hearing about them talking about you or any news of them. I have no idea how you're still able to see it.

and also, the other person is right. a lot of men see women like sport–and a lot of male friend groups are dying for an opportunity to sadistically tear down a woman so they can brag about it over and over again to their male friends.
they honestly seem like they have no life and are incel-adjacent thugs.

side note: please stay away from male friend groups. literally if I had known you back then I would have warned you away from such a group.

>>69571
>>69590
thank you anons. im not grateful i was sexually assaulted but im grateful that i am less naive now.

have any of you guys suffering severe fatigue for most of your lives (including as a kid) and gotten better?

I think a few years ago I had my first good night of sleep and everyone I knew freaked out the second they saw my face, insisting that I looked so much more fresh and less deathly.
I caught before/after picture evidence of my face and…turned out I actually look like death all the time but didn't on that day. the dark circles I had since I was a toddler were gone. I looked good, it was shocking. And, tbh, the second I woke up I felt amazing. Just thought I was imagining everything.

Pretty much 99% of the time though I feel very exhausted and look like shit. Eyes hurt. Headache. Etc. A very strained look about my face It's very demotivating in general and it's hard to just get through the days.

What are your favorite motivational quotes that make you not want to give up?
>t. student who thinks they will never succeed in their field

>>69961
is that the squidward suicide creepypasta? I remember when that went viral lol

>>69964
Ya lol

>>69961
"Keep trying till you get it right"
or something like that. They're right.

>>69985
Probably make an onlyfans? I don't like recommending that but if you're doing it anyway, you might as well make more money. I think the real money is in making custom content and chatting on of.

>>69987
I've read that most people don't actually make that much money there. NTA btw

bump! wanted to cuz it seems like people want to post more threads and this can catch a few subjects.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I might be actually autistic, I’ve tried not to but I think I’m bisexual, I’m falling behind in class because it makes me sick being in class and I’m getting like suicidal suicidal. I just don’t know where to start with this mess or how to address it. I can’t tell my parents about this because they wouldn’t understand, would tell everyone and because I don’t want to stress them out. I also don’t want to stress my friends out as well. I want to know how to reach out for help and get it but it seems like everything takes so long and I don’t know where I’ll be in a month or two. I don’t know, I’m sorry if this is the wrong place I just don’t know what to do.

>>73556
Anon is the source of your troubles the fact that you think you're autistic OR bisexual?

>>73557
Both I think? I don’t know I’m confused and tired.

>>73559
Honest word of advice, if it's autism, don't overthink it until you've got a professional diagnosis, a lot of mental illness have overlapping symptoms and self diagnosis is so rampant nowadays it's surreal- even if you have autism- so freaking what? I actually do have autism, i have chosen all my life to value my professional life over my social one, and realized that the latter often follows the former quite naturally, people will flock to you if you're honest in what you do and focusing on the more valuable things in life,
About the whole bisexuality thing, my god do you zoomers give me headaches with this stuff. Not coming out doesn't make your sexuality any less real or you ant less valid, you don't have to gather everyone around and just break the news to them, that's next level autism, and that's what I say as an austistic person myself. Don't act like it's such a bit burden and such a huge problem when it really isn't, you're overreacting

>>73573
based advice

I am so unmotivated by everything in life aside from my writing and business, and I don't know what to do. Love is so ruined for me. It all makes me feel numb. I think if I didn't have writing I'd shoot myself

I never feel anything. Especially where attraction is involved. Im so deeply repulsed by most men and the society they want. Interaction drains me. People drain me. What is the point??? If everything is made to be destroyed, or interaction is irritating and draining why am I here? I feel like I live in a suburban wasteland where everything goes to die when I have to interact with most people too much… (Save like 2.)

God I just feel nothing, what am I supposed to do with it? I don't think I ever will. The only thing that makes me feel anything is writing, but then most people will tell you fleshing out piece of work or a story just to feel everything in it is pointless. It's all the same with getting married, having kids too. I feel empty and like a void when I have to pretend like I enjoy being around all that.

>>73605
Play vidya

how do I learn new skills and improve at skills without having to invest lots of money? I want to learn to sew and pattern draft and can't afford lessons and I want to improve my art along with a few other things
do I just sift through youtube tutorials until I find good material? I don't know how to go about it

>>73650
Yes! Fuck SkillShare and fuck any other kind of online scam. YouTube can teach you about literally anything, next to irl frens willing to help you will stuff "in-the-field" i can't think of anything else quite as efficient. YouTube has helped me as much as YouTube, I really love learning languages and coding, and I have been able to grow both hobbies at a very fast rate thanks to YouTube, (faster than reading about those topics anyway, maybe that's just me) good luck

>>73650
Just lot a lot of popular youtube videos on it. Also see if there is a subreddit dedicated to it. Reddit is awful but they tend to have good guides and info for getting started with something.

>>73653
actually coding and language learning are among the things I want to improve at too so it's good to know I'll be able to do that for free using youtube
>>73656
yeah I've browsed a few subreddits and it's helpful for learning the basics but beyond that it's hit or miss so I can do that to get started then rely on youtube for the rest

thanks both of you for the advice

>>73680
Hugs
I know it's hard, but believe me, it's not worth to end your ife because of trash like him. Karma one day will take care of him, pretty sure he'll end up in jail because of his crimes.
Also don't feel like a [spoiler"pathetic piece of shit"[/spoiler] because you aren't. No one can predict the future and the world is full of evil men, because of how normalised male toxicity, negging and mean comment's are in our media and cuture a lot of women don't know how to identify abusive males. It's not your fault and you should find the strenght to talk to someone, nobody will judje you and remember that these therapists and women's aid circles are created to help and improve people's state. I've been to psychologists and therapists and even if the first times can be embarrassing remember that a lot of people search help this way and that it feels humiliating because of how taboo the topic is of mental health.
Hope you get better .
(Sorry is there are spelling or grammatical mistakes, english is not my ntive launguage.)

I asked out a guy I like as a test of courage (I have severe social anxiety) thinking he was definitely going to say no. He said he'd like to "start off as friends" and now I feel so stressed out and guilty that I haven't eaten in 2 days. Help?

I normally have a thick skin especially with strangers opinions, but for some reason I'm extremely hypersensitive to the opinions of people I care about. Like when my mom is annoyed or disappointed in me about something, I feel really really sad and suicidal.

It's also even worse with my bf. I'm extremely hypersensitive to his opinions, thoughts, moods etc. If he seems irritated or disinterested or down, I have to hold myself back from the brink of tears. If he brings something up that's pissed him off or I did something that annoyed him, I feel so intensely sad and ashamed of myself that it borders on suicidal. He isn't abusive at all and is actually really kind and considerate towards me almost all the time, I just can't stop emotionally overreacting when he isn't 100% happy and satisfied with me. It's hard for him too because he has to tiptoe around my feelings or I'll just go and cry in the bathroom for an hour. I can't imagine how annoying it is for him. Please someone tell me how to stop being an overemotional wreck.

>>74473
Feel hugged, honey. You need to ask yourself 'why?' and go from there. Why is it so important to constantly please the people around you, make them happy, hold a high opinion of you? What does it boil down to, you think? Start from there.
Also realize that we are human after all. You WILL disappoint people, upset people, make them angry. Some people you will never be able to make happy! But as long as you try to learn, improve and also learn to set personal boundaries it will all work out, somehow, in the end.
And I say this without judgement, but maybe consider getting professional help. Feeling suicidal and breaking down because of this is not normal and not healthy.

Does anyone know the name of that website where you can look up height+weight and see pictures of people with those proportions? I can’t find it. I don’t know if it exists anymore.

>>74536
This?
https://app.mybodygallery.com/#/

>>74537
YES! THX

not sure if it's possible to give advice for this but…ok…someone just had to tell me that apparently I sold something that had a special error on it and might have sold for 1000$s of dollars. Normally regular editions sold at 200$. I sold at a bit higher than average at the time so I thought I did ok.

I feel so horrible over it. I've been making plenty of money anyway but as someone who grew up in abject poverty that's a shit ton of money.

>>74593
>might have sold for 1000$s of dollars
key word here is might. something is only worth what someone will pay for it. i've tried to sell expensive or rare things before and ended up taking less just so i could sell it. if you're able to play the long game and have it up on ebay for a year then you could make more but chances are you wouldn't have gotten that much more for it, unless you got lucky.

>>74594
I was looking at what ones recently sold unfortunately.

Told myself that I can just make up for it by cutting back on frivolous spending and eventually it'd just sort itself out.

Does anyone here have ADHD and managed to be prescribed medication for it while in a state that's really strict about controlled substances? I have a diagnosis and even when I showed psychiatrists as proof I was told that they can't treat me. My insurance doesn't cover ADHD meds but there are some I could afford out of pocket. But getting a prescription for a stimulant by itself is so hard and specialists are so expensive where I live, I was treated like a criminal for my anxiety meds and later had them taken away despite using it as directed. Has anyone been through this and got treatment somehow, or knows an easier (legal) way to treat inattentive ADHD? I can't move somewhere else. Or should I just go back on a different non-stimulant and hope it works?

Is it weird if an online friend texts you after a week or two of silence? They’re slipping through my fingers even tho i enjoy talking to them and i feel like its creepy if i text them now

>>74652
No, that's what friends do. Don't be afraid of asking them if everything is okay or say that you're here for them.
Just remember that we all have our private lives and our secrets. Some people grow apart, some friendships just crumble. That doesn't have to mean you did something wrong.
Show them that you care and are thinking about them.

>>74652
I have irl friends who I don’t see or speak with in months and still we have a nice time or internet chat together when we have time and we consider each other friends, so eh

I have 2 courses left to finish my degree. I got down bad with mental shit and wasn't able to finish, failed both courses. I'm really sad because well, I never wanted to do college really. I should've ended it at an associates. I'm not that much in debt. I'm in $15k debt total. I don't know if I can bear to finish it. I've been in uni for 7 years. It's a sunk cost fallacy. My parents also are really wanting me to finish, I feel it's a pride thing more than anything.

I will finish. How do I get over this feeling of just not feeling rewarded or happy with my choices? I will have a degree which can make money, but I'm bad at it, and I no longer have passion for it like I used to.

hi, I need advice. I've had pain in my neck/throat kind of on the right side for months and it's gotten really bad in the past days.
last night I started getting a fever/hot in the area. I thought it faded away but it came back again late today. it's puzzling bc it feels like the issue is in my throat yet the entire side of my throat starts hurting and burning up. it feels…wrong.

today I went to an emergency clinic and looked inside my mouth and saw nothing. I was told to maybe go to my regular doctor for other types of lab order, but it takes so long to do so (I have an appointment next month). maybe I could call and check if there's a way to skip the red tape, idk. I at least know I don't have strep throat.

I'm scared and don't know what to do.

>>74832
oh, the fever is 100 f; the nurse guy said it's only something if it's 100.5

In 1st grade, i was suspended for something i didn’t do because another little girl lied about me saying something i didn’t. It was a traumatic experience for me. I was looked down upon by the school administrators, interrogated everyday by them until I “admitted it” so they would stop, my dad screamed at me, i was made to go to therapists an hour away, i was told that this would go on my “permanent record” several times which made little me think i could nevet get into college… and from then on i could tell none of my teachers liked me because they could see my suspension.
I want to trace down the girl who lied, contact her privately, and get her to apologize to me or at least admit that she lied so i can fucking slam it into the faces of all the adults involved who fucking failed me. Is this a bad idea? My message to her wouldn’t be aggressive. She probably doesn’t even remember it or who i even am but the memories torture me.

How lame is asking a guy on a walk exactly and what are the alternatives? (I don't drink alcohol or coffee)

>>74879
Context and age?

>>74883

Context is this:
>>73847

and I'm 20.

He is unfortunately still talking to me (via text) and I'm debating whether I should stop talking to him altogether or try to meet up in person.
He has asked me to join in on activities with his friends twice now and I have made excuses (one of them valid) both times.

I am not sure I have the ability to talk to him in person, let alone with his friends around. But if I break off all contact with this angel of a moid, I feel like I will stay alone until I die.
I thought it might be easier to do it on my terms, but I can't think of any activities we could do together.

>>74897
Because my social anxiety can't handle it. Plus he hasn't seen me without a mask (dumb, I know), so he doesn't quite know the extend of my ugly.
I don't want to see his kind smile twist in disgust when he looks at me and I don't want to waste his time.

>>74879
Theres nothing wrong with going for a walk as a date, my first date with my ex was just us walking around the mall talking

>>73847
You feeling guilty is not your fault, but it's definitely not something to be guilty about! See him as a friend, if you try, you've already done an awesome thing. Better to try once than not at all.

Not necessarily advice or feels but,
Can someone tell me why I want to hang around people who dislike me and judge me constantly, who I fight with?
Why do I want to be around big fat meanies who make fun of me?
I’m kind of bored with out them. I had a lot of fun fighting with them but I was also in a real bad place mentally. It was like a crack high.

>>76034
>I’m kind of bored with out them.
you answered your own question. get a hobby.

>>76035
I have lots of hobbies though… that’s kind of why I quit talking to them was cause it was making me un-creative and unproductive

>>76036
so then uhh…what's the problem?

>>76037
Im just more bored?
It’s more exciting to fight with people who I hate who hate me
I am asking Why? Why would someone want to put themselves around toxic people, when they know it’s bad for them?

>>76038
it's to let your rage out. i'd say it's the exact oppose of what you thought: you're more calm when you have someone to fight.

it's not a healthy mechanism though, as you pointed out. try redirecting your anger at other things, like your hobbies.

>>74593
Honestly that's like sayong you might have won the lottery because a few numbers were just one off.
If you actually made a mistake, take it as an expensive lesson and move on (not taking the lesson would be a second mistake regarding that matter). Giving it too much thought is the way to becoming Scrooge McDuck.
>>76034
We like what we are used to, it's comfortable. Maybe you're so novice when it comes to hanging around respectful people it stresses you out, hence why you fall back on the old crowd. In short: they're the devil you know.

I know this is really stupid but what do you talk about with your friends? I never really know. When I haven't seen them in a while, it's a bit easier because we can do some catching up for a good 30 minutes, but when I see them more than once a month I really just don't know what to talk about. I know people say "talk about your hobbies", but I don't really understand what that entails. If you draw or play music for example, how can you talk about that?

>>76155
My advice would be to DO something together instead of talking- then the next time you hang out, you’ll have something to talk about!
It’s easier said than done. Nobody wants to put effort in cause it stresses them out, but it doesn’t have to be crazy. You could just cook dinner together if you don’t want to spend money and try a new recipe. You could try a new restauraunt, play a co op game, go for a walk, etc. when you feel that way I think it’s time to start DOING!
When you’re no longer in college or school or a work setting together, this problem is bound to creep up.

>>76155
>I know people say "talk about your hobbies", but I don't really understand what that entails. If you draw or play music for example, how can you talk about that?
Let's say you're into drawing, you could show them your new art or talk about sometjing you've been working on or talk about art or artist you think are cool or a museum or gallery you've visited etc. Just about anything you encounter as you practice your hobby. Remember a conversation is a two way street so you don't need to think off all the content to talk about beforehand. Your friend will respond, ask questions and the conversation will probably naturally shift to another subject or something they want to talk about. Also there's more to talk about than just hobbies.. work, day to day life, family, health etc. can be subject of conversation too.

How do you overcome fear of abandonement? I feel like it keeps me from creating deep bonds with people. All my relationships are shallow because I’m afraid of opening up and being rejected or abandoned.

>>76214
- There’s a technique in overcoming fear where you imagine the worst case possible coming to pass, and thinking about what you would do to resolve it or cope. For example, what if the girl I want to be friends with cuts off contact and shit talks me to her friends? I would think about other places I could look for friends as well as how little she means to me in the grand scheme of things (most casual friends don’t mean that much). So while the rejection is still in the hypothetical phase, I can develop a plan while I’m calm, and I can practice facing the worst so that whatever comes my way, it can’t be worse than that.

- Analyze what it is about yourself that you fear the other person will see. Are you worried about actually being shitty toward them (flaking on responsibilities, lying, telling secrets)? If so, your fears might be justified, but at least the situation is in your control. If you're afraid of making a mistake like saying a faux pas, cut yourself some slack since that happens to even the most popular people. It's truly not in your control–which is SCARY! but I tend to underestimate normal peoples' willingness to forgive. I have one acquaintance who mentioned that she wished others would be more candid in front of her, so I felt a little freer in speaking my mind when hanging out with her. I suspect many other decent women are like this too. On the other hand, one guy who actually cut off contact with me and refused to forgive me for laughing at something he did, turned out to be a horrible and narcissistic person. So the "abandonment" in that case was a good thing.

- If you're afraid of just being weird and people eventually realizing that . . . well that is the CC million dollar question isn't it? You can either choose the difficult route of finding like-minded people, or the difficult route of becoming more normie.

In short: it's ok to get abandoned by people you don't care about, and people who are good potential friends generally don't abandon others without having a conversation first.

>>68812
jhghk

is it possible for someone to stress themselves into feeling like shit for years?

I overthought it, but I remember years ago just having the time of my life with a friend on the phone for hours through a night (no, it was platonic, I'm a virgin) and laughing. I woke up feeling incredible the whole day and looked so much better–of which people I knew immediately noticed without me even saying anything. I felt energetic through that entire day too.
Otherwise, I feel constantly like shit and have been always very tense. It's been years since I've laughed because I just feel so numb. Also, it isn't like I'm that depressed, it's been weeks since I cried.

I feel incredibly tense all the time, get constant heart burn, incredibly tired all the time, headaches, horrible sleeps with random headaches all the time. Life isn't fun at all. Eating better and working out? 0 effect. I think I had an lightbulb moment last night just thinking about the subject because of the experience I had years ago. I even caught proof of it in a picture, my peers were right, I looked so much more alive and my sunken dark circles that I had since I was a child were gone.

Not sure what to do.

>>76273
>said headaches twice
oops. >_>

>>76220

>In short: it's ok to get abandoned by people you don't care about, and people who are good potential friends generally don't abandon others without having a conversation first.

This. I got abandoned by a friend who accused me of trying to use her as a "personal chauffeur", even though I thought we were growing to be really good friends. She did not mention this to me until I asked a mutual acquaintance of ours about her. I wanted to talk it out and try to change, but she proceeded to disappear again. At that point, I realized if she can throw away our friendship over something like that that easily then I didn't need her as a friend anyway. I removed her off everything and find it a good riddance.

Although, now it feels like my trust issues have grown even worse since then and I've somehow managed to distance myself from other people even more than I was before. I don't see the point if I get tossed aside like trash that way, again.

Anyone one else here a smoker or have been/known a smoker? I want to quit but I feel like it's kind of become integral to my identity. I know that's stupid since it's so detrimental to your health, but it's something I've been doing for a lot longer then I'd like to admit. I think if I can conquer my smoking addiction, everything else would come easy since all the addicts I know, smoking is the one thing they kept doing, even after quitting other habitual habits. I know in the long run I'd save myself my health, money and piece of mind knowing that's one thing I don't have to worry about providing in my long list of things I consistently need.

How the fuck do you date as an introvert.

>>76360
online dating unironically

>>76362
What are good sites? Tinder and Bumble seem like shit.

>>76355
I’ve smoked for six years and stopped two times. Currently on three year streak. My dad stopped after smoking for 30 years so you can absolutely do it.
You need strong will for first two weeks. After that I only tend to get tempted when I’m really drunk and in group of smokers, so I try to avoid it. That’s how I relapsed both times. I was drunk and wanted to fit in.
For the first two weeks you should avoid places where people smoke and if possible just stay at home for the first week. It’s a lot easier when you don’t have many friends.
You will make it nona. Good luck!

I just turned 22 this month, Japanese living in Japan, and there’s this boy I met using a dating app called Bumble. Im rather like looking for a serious relationship not a hookup so even if I match with someone the conversation never really lasts because their personality isn’t just interesting enough and it’s obvious they’re just looking for a quick fuck but I met this guy who’s 2 yrs older than me, he sounds pretty nerdy like me, we had our initial conversation in English despite both of us being native Japanese speakers (bc we didn’t know that lol) and he said he learnt English by himself and never been abroad like me so that’s a good indicator of his intelligence and something we have in common, and his face is a literal 10, one of the best looking Japanese men I’ve seen my whole life and is 180cm tall, quite tall for a Japanese guy..


I couldn’t believe someone like him could exist, he was so sweet and he sent me a drawing he drew of me after I showed him one of my drawings and we met up next week or something. The first and only guy I met via this dating app. We were chatting in a cafe nearby my house and he told me he was a virgin and my logical thinking abilities were completely gone; there’s this shy nerdy 10/10 sitting right in front of me and he tells me he’s a virgin? I had to take him home with an excuse that I will cook for him and take his virginity lol. C’mon any one of you would have done the same in a situation like this. To look back I think I really shouldn’t have done that because having sex on the first date is never an indicator of a good woman but I wasn’t able to think logically at that moment. I’m still not sure if he was lying about his virginity cuz he looks too good to be one but he said he was fat and an outcast in high school so I guess that makes enough sense (but I’m still not sure).


We met up and went on dates a few times after that; every time I meet up with him and hear about his personal life I can’t help but think that he’s a massive pussy magnet. Whenever he drinks with his friends and a female is involved she’d always make wild moves at him. He has girls baking cakes for him and shit. A Saudi princess would send him a selfie without her head scarf. He always has some girl trying to lean her body towards him in group photos. Dude’s a literal definition of pussy magnet and it wasn’t that surprising to me given how good he looks.


Things about me: I’m a literal autistic hikikomori who goes in and out of phases of depression where I completely shut myself in, ignore notifications for months and just disappear to reappear after about three months. My family is a mess and I ran away from home after working in a brothel to pay for my education; I got accepted into a very prestigious university in Germany for engineering but my mother was a gambling addict who would take my money that I made at work while going to high school and usually beat the shit out of me til I’m covered in bruises. I couldn’t give up on this opportunity just cuz of a shitty family and before anyone tries to lecture me, that decision was serious and I had made up my mind that I will never get married and live the rest of my life with this stain. Well it’s a complicated life story so I won’t explain any further but my 200 IQ chess moves ended up failing and it just left me with an escape from home, serious PTSD, non-existent self esteem and a lot of other issues. I’ve seen too much shit working at a brothel I can’t explain the details without breaking into a ptsd episode lol. I now have an onlyfans instead which he knows of. He said he does not mind but I’m sure this affects how anyone views me.


I’m sorry the story went off of the tangent. I was just wondering what this beautiful boy wants out of me. Except for one ex boyfriend the only experience with men I have is them trying to use me for sex since I was 13. I was an early bloomer and my chest was much larger than an average adult Japanese female at 11. Every single man I’ve gone out with would expect sex on the first date or it was just way too obvious that all they wanted was my body. I got molested by strangers a lot. I’ve never been treated ‘nicely’ by a man, have a man do nice romantic things to please me as a woman. Ironically the only times a man has treated me romantically were with some clients at brothel. Some of them just fell in love with me instantly and treated me really nice. So my way of thinking has been conditioned into that men only want to use me for sex and I just had to come to terms with it, live with it. Nothing I can do about it.


So I’ve naturally come to expect this boy to use me for sex or ghost me after the sex but that wasn’t the case. We’d go on normal dates and that was it. The way he acted with me left me real confused. If it was a normal situation with an average guy I’d maybe think that he’s really into me? But this is a 10/10 alpha who’s drowning in pussy I’m talking about. He’s ask me out to hang out with his friends occasionally too. I talked about my depression earlier and I’ve kind of ghosted him a few times because I wanted to be left alone and be a worthless loser. Every time I went no contact, I’d get a lot of messages from him if I decided to check my inbox after many months. He’d sometimes unsend some of his messages as to be delicate with my feelings (I thought that was really cute). He’s coming over to my place tomorrow and idk what to do (we’ll probably fuck).


I just wanted to ask you guys what you guys think he wants out of me. I know it’s not sex, but does he want something serious with me? I don’t know why anyone would to get serious with a whore with an insufferable personality like me but if he really does, it really doesn’t make sense given how popular he is with girls and he’s said something about having a crush on another pretty French girl. After all I don’t expect a 10/10 Chad with a sweet personality to be so into me. I really don’t know what to do with him, I really don’t like how he’s taking up so much space in my head these days.

>>76363
I think just inhabiting spaces of your interests (perhaps incognito) and developing friendships first leads to the best results, impatience will lead to ruin. Dating sites and a lot of "traditional" socialization methods tend to boil people down into materialistic things. Being somewhere just for romantic attention is moid behavior, you want to avoid that.

How do you cope with a parent with abandonment issues? My mother is like that, I can't really live at home forever, but she makes me feel guilty for wanting to move out, and it affects me a lot.

>>76330
(It'sa me, duck poster) I'm so sorry that hit you so hard. When someone is not at all who you thought, it feels bad because you worry about your ability to perceive reality. It can take practice to develop a radar for poor friend material, I am still pretty bad at it in my mid-20s. One thing that helped me is paying attention when being in someone's presence gives me uncomfortable feelings, rather than dismissing them 100% of the time. Yes friendships take time and you have to adjust to people's quirks when hanging out long term, but there is a threshold of pain when someone is just not your vibe. For me the feelings that indicate a poor friend are:
- walking on eggshells,
- feeling awkward because they are too distracted to interact authentically with me,
- feeling judgmental but having to hold back a lot of opinions, - feeling like an outsider in potential friend's group,
- annoyed by constantly having to humor them.

The trust issues you're having don't seem to be something wrong with you, but I would say they are in your control. Your instincts may not be great now, but have faith in your ability to develop them. <3

>>76365
Just ask him straight away. His actions show that he’s interested in you in some way, if you’re getting what you want out of him just be glad. Your self doubt will only hinder you.

>>76355
Free-will and pushing through is bullshit. Here's how I managed to stop smoking: Buy the cheapest, trashiest, god-awful, shit tasting cigarretes you can find. And then whenever you feel like smoking smoke them. It will slowly make you despise smoking, at least that's what happened to me. Bonus points: leave them outside for a month so they taste even worse.

I've always been self-conscious and yeah, it has always caused me problems. And now I realize that I really need to work on this shit after I got paranoid over the idea that a repair shop guy copied my SSD data somehow. There isn't that much terrible stuff on it, though it's still enough to be embarrassing if someone saw it.

So…how do you get over yourself and grow a "give no fucks" bone? I swear, the way I feel must be from some narcissism or something because I rationally am aware there is nothing interesting about me and there is no reason why someone would steal my data. Yet I still worry. Same with other things. I wish I cared less.

I don't get why this guy I met keeps talking to me. Every interaction we have is cringy as fuck (my fault) and I'm not attractive.
He seems to have a well established friend group while I'm mostly alone. He's really nice to me, too. Invites me to social gatherings even though I act awkward every time.

Is it actually possible that he's just being kind to me for no reason? I have a hard time trusting people.

>>77986
For absolutely no reason whatsoever? Maybe, he could just "feel like doing it" I suppose. Moids have whims as well.

If what you're actually asking is "Does he want to fuck me and this is all a ruse", it's possible. It's also possible that "I want to fuck you" and "I think you're an interesting person and should be treated well" also exists. Some posters here don't seem to meaningfully differentiate between a moid who lies just to get sex and moids who want to have sex with you and treat you nice at the same time. Like, the moid having sexual interest doesn't exclude proper upbringing.

>>77987
I guess what I'm asking is if it's possible that he's just doing this because this is how he interacts with people. Like, someone talks to him and he just engages them back. Someone accept an invitation he makes and he keeps inviting them.

I really, really don't think he wants to fuck me, he's way out of my league appearance-wise and he doesn't seem like a bad person. He treats me kind of like a little sister.

Sometimes I'm worried that he's only talking to me because he thinks I'm miserable and feels bad for me. I want him to see me like a normal person or not talk to me at all, I don't want him to force himself and look down on me throughout it.

I think the most realistic option, stepping away from my anxiety for a moment, is that he's just a people person and somehow got it in his head that I'll turn out "normal" if he talks to me enough (most of his friends are somewhat nerdy anyway, just less socially anxious than I am). Cause his parent's taught him to give people a chance or something.

I guess I wanted someone to tell me that he's just social, sees me the same as other people and somehow doesn't mind that I'm awkward, even though I don't think that's true myself. I think he pities me.

>>77990
>I guess what I'm asking is if it's possible that he's just doing this because this is how he interacts with people. Like, someone talks to him and he just engages them back. Someone accept an invitation he makes and he keeps inviting them.

Oh yes, certainly, this type of person exists. They are incredibly helpful. I've yet to meet one that will work with me, but they tend to make for very good allies as far as requests go. I've noted stories like this from multiple people. I believe the colloquial term is "extrovert" though "social butterfly" seems to be a better one.

That being the case, it's incredibly unlikely he's even noticing you being awkward. As long as you're not physically injuring someone else or literally and directly insulting people, he doesn't give a fuck. I understand being socially anxious, and just telling you he isn't viewing you as such may not be believable, but "people people" wouldn't be "people people" if they pitied other people around them.

>>77986
He is probably just looking out for you. I am that kind of person. Good at making friends, love social interaction, and I‌ try to rope in as much people as possible, trying to make them feel welcome by being friendly, etc. I think everyone wants to socialize and have someone to talk to which is why I do it.
I‌ don't think he's doing it hoping you'll turn out "normal" or whatever you think, or out of pity, he just thinks you might want to have friends or socialize but you're too shy/anxious to step forward. So yeah he kind of is giving you "chances" but I highly doubt he has plans for you to integrate or expects you to metamorphose, whatever you're thinking.

It's really not that deep.

>>77992
Gotta say, that sounds kind of like pity to me, but it feels nicer when you phrase it that way. Thank you.

>>77991
I suppose that's what it is. It's hard for me to understand his motivations, probably because the "extroverts" in high school always treated me like an inferior being, and now I expect all of them to act like that. But it might be healthy for me to relearn and let my guard down a bit more.

>>77994
Out of curiosity, is this in a college setting?

>>78000
Do I sound like a teenager? Yeah, it is, I'm in my 20s

>>78003
Not really. The nature of the interactions implied you were not interacting in a work environment and it didn't sound like it was a neighbor or something.

>group of people miss me passionately
>been gone a year

>I am a completely different, more boring and depressed person so I'd just ruin everything if I returned
>also is probably the first/only time in my life I left a good impression as I have a serious of horrific real-life experiences related to extremely embarrassing mistakes marking the end of all the meaningful connections I had with people
>the lil narcissist goblin that must live inside me is going "muh precious"

>still desperately miss them and am poisoned by guilt

I won't say I'm doing them a favor. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But it feels awful. I wish I was confident I had something to offer.

>>78024
This reads like you derive satisfaction from punishing yourself? Is that the case?

How do I get over being bullied/abused? Is there even a way?

Basically got called a prostitute tonight. Feel very depressed, wearing a normal skater dress that’s to my knees. Anyone else deal with women giving them nasty comments? She basically pointed at me and said “she’s working tonight. Ew I would never be with a guy like that but get that money.” . So insulting my boyfriend on top of calling me a streetwalker. I was honestly envious of her as she was with a group of friends. Wish I could have a girls night out…

>>78572
Holy shit that's so rude, I can't believe she said that. It's possible she might've been high or drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. I doubt you looked like a prostitute, maybe she was crabby for some miserable reason, don't take it too personally. People sometimes just fling insults like it's nothing because they think it's funny for whatever reason.

>>78572
Lol she was just jealous. One time a pick me also made a very rude comment in front of her guy friends. I was just walking up the stairs next to them and she loudly said "if you're gonna wear shorts you should shave ew", implying she saw my pubic hair through my shorts, which was imposible. All to look better in front of her male friends. These people are pathetic and desperate for approval, don't mind them.

I want to cancel a planned vacation I have with my LDR partner. It's in a month, not the first time we'll meet either we met before. I have some big financial issues right now, and this will be the second time I'm cancelling due to my finances (last one was both that and medical reasons). I feel this is ample time to cancel and I can pay back some of the smaller cancellation fees. I don't really want to have a fight with him but he gets irrationally upset whenever I cancel something or say I don't want to go out or even play a game together. I'm just upset I'm doing this twice in a row at myself and I know he'll bring this up too. How do I delicately put it to someone like him who's going to always be overly upset about me just not being able to go and do everything else in my life?

>>78632

honestly? it's weird that he isn't more concerned about your well-being, both physical and financial.

does he always get angry at you when you tell him no?

>>78632

you shouldn't feel like you're walking on eggshells with your significant other. it's a big sign they have issues with control and entitlement.

>>78633
It's not really anger, it's more just upset and whiny mostly. He was pretty upset for about a week last time I cancelled for medical reasons and then when we were supposed to hang out he was super moody all over again. I don't really get it since he tells me that talking online is just like in person so I don't see why he'd be so upset.
>>78634
I never thought of entitled, but yeah he does seem to be that subtlety in regards to my time and what he demands out of me while I'm working and in school. He had a huge issue with being socially draining and I had to start cutting him out slowly because he would want to talk for hours a day every day after my job or in between my classes. Took until 2 months ago for me to draw a hard boundary he respected about how it made me struggle in school.

>>78635

his moodiness is a control tactic. it's like a more grown up version of that little kid that throws a tantrum in a store when his mother doesn't get him what he wants.

that behavior really isn't ok.

i highly recommend you read, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. you can find a free pdf version of it online.

How do I know if I’m a pickme, or doormat, or something else along those lines? I think I may be overly nice, perhaps an impulsive people pleaser, but I just like being nice in general so I’m not sure.

>>68781
I find it extremely hard to get along with and ignore things my family does as I get older. Ignore things they did. I want to go no contact with them because they pretend things that happened didn't happen. My sisters are the most inhuman people I've ever met, but especially the one that told me I'm not her sister because I'm adopted and never talks to me.
But she's also married a loon who isolated her way out in the middle of nowhere. She became an absolute nut with this man I'm pretty damn certain Will kill her and my niece.

There is so much bad blood between us because I was the family scapegoat from a really young age. I have an extremely hard time forgiving them. I have no close relationships with any of them but my mom but she goes along with it and pretends like none of it exists , the older I get the more I want nothing to do with them because I always go back to being hurt by them. It's the only experience I have with these people. Everything "real" feels fake. I'm not sure how to get over the extremely negative feelings experiences I constantly have trying to relate to these people

>>78763
I don't know what to do because it has to come to a head eventually. It makes me feel fucking empty and most things in life make me feel fucking empty at this point. It's a constant running theme in my life where I want to get the f away from people

>>77990
Nevermind, he asked me out. I'm kind of suspicious of him now, to be honest. He acts nice but I'm not kidding when I say he's out of my league. How likely is it that he has bad intentions? I act really shy and naive around guys, Im afraid I come off as an easy victim.

I'm 19 now and yet I'm still so sensitive and thin skinned. Whenever I get into the slightest argument with anyone my heart beats embarrassingly fast and I just wish we'd be getting along instead. When I see any insult that could apply to me in the slightest or someone being even a little mean to anyone I get very sad.
I feel like I'm pathetic and worthless when anyone heavily disagrees with me.
I know this is pathetic, so how do I get over this?
I just wish everyone could get along.
Also, cute thread pic.

>>79440
Starting a cute pic thread is getting off on the wrong foot. You need to let the darkness consume you. Once you realize how foul people are, you will no longer have trouble arguing with them.

>>79440
Surround yourself with people who you can disagree with but won't treat you much if at all differently after. And hold yourself to the same expectations for them.

My parents fight a lot. My mom has a bunch of disorders and chronic pain, my dad doesn't but doesn't really understand her mental disorders (severe anxiety, possibly bipolar disorder, major depression and a few others). They both work about 60 hours a week so they're exhausted all the time.



My mom constantly instigates fights because my dad makes bad financial choices and pushes her out of them because of how her mental disorders interact with big choices, and just to say it's horrible. No she can be overbearing and suffocating, but pushing her out of the process of those makes it 10000% worse.


The biggest issue they bring up now is that my dad wants a gun for social reasons and to keep it in the house. I had a suicide attempt when I was a teen and my mom made it clear to him that that's why she doesn't want it in the house. In the dumbest way she also brought up issues like having him taking safety courses, but the reality is he thought that was a bargaining chip to get one, and it isn't. I'm sure me moving out would fix this issue.


I don't have the funds to move out anytime soon, probably in about 2 years. I have no idea how to get to dad that mom is mentally ill and that her peace of mind is temporary and yes she's wrong for starting these old issues again and again even though we can't fix them, but he has no idea how to actually solve the other ones simply by not doing them until I move out. They get into explosive arguments where they neighbors come out about once a week to 3x a week.


I'm caught between saying something to them and saying nothing. How seriously would they take me if I explained? I tried to talk to my dad about how to talk to mom before and it didn't work.

I want my bf to eat me out but if he does that he'll expect me to give him head also which I do not want

>>79450
Stop being selfish.

>>79450
Simple solution, femdom him so he gets turned on by servicing you and getting denied service.

>>79448
what show is this from

>>79450
this is kinda mean and ridiculous sheesh

>>79445
Not really. You don't really make sense.

>>79448
samefag op it honestly sounds like moving out would relieve you of so much anxiety. i lived with family like this and didn't realize how miserable it made me until i left. go get a chill job and a room mate and watch how much peace you will find. it will blow you away.

>>79465
>not sucking dick is mean
pickme or scrote

>>79466
yes this makes tons of sense, agreeing with her. When you NEED to know how to be angry, you should know how. Also people are stupid af, my god. Sad but true. You need to know how dumb people are so you don't take them seriously. Currently it sounds like you don't take yourself seriously because you're "trained" to be passive and freeze up in confrontation. But confrontation is a part of life, and if you don't know how to handle it smoothly people will come back to abuse you or take advantage because they see you're kinda spineless no offense. People are like this, they're opportunistic and they often don't care. But they will PRETEND like they care and string you around for all kinds of reasons.

It feels like only bad things are happening to me lately. Someone apparently hacked my phone number and has been taking calls from it. After that, someone phished my social media and now I'm still suspended and can't get my account back. Yesterday, I found out someone tried to steal $4000 from my account and now I'm blocked from accessing it as well. I had to go to my bank and talk to the fraud department about it. but I'm still blocked from seeing it and panicking about getting my money back.

I wish all money and data thieves/hackers a fiery death.

>>79480
you'll make it through. Someone got into one of my trading accounts about two years ago and took about 20k USD. I ended up getting it all back but it took over a month. At the time I was freaking out because 20k was a considerable amount of my savings. fraud/IT is common and happens to millions of people every day. In your case, it should get cleared up rather quickly

>>79482

Thanks. I changed a bunch of my passwords online, because I admit that I've been using almost the same 3 or 4 ones on almost every account I make anywhere. However, the one for my bank account had just recently been changed to one I hadn't used before anywhere else, prior to this. I'm worried I'm getting keylogged or that this has something to do with my phone number getting compromised. I'm going to try and talk to my provider about it ASAP, because I also set up 2FA anywhere I could, but that's probably going to make it pointless if they get access to my verification codes.

Also, 20k? Jesus christ. And I thought mine was alot of money. I'm just a poor college student so I barely know what to do with losing 4k…

>>79480
…ok I'm sorry but can another anon say how this even happens? Kind of paranoid about my data now.

>>79497
someone can "hack" your phone number by calling your phone provider, pretending to be you, providing answers to your security questions, and telling them to switch your phone number to a new SIM card that they bought. they then put the SIM card in their own phone, and bam they got your number.

>>79502

Yes, apparently it's called SIM swapping. I don't understand how they'd do that either though, because the phone plan is on my stepdad's name and so the security questions should be his too, or at the very least my mom's… And that does not comfort me, because my mom has stolen from me before. I would never think that she would be that low to steal this much from me, but she does know I'm making more money than her now, always asks me for some, and is the only one I've given possession of my account information to before. She has a history of acting like a complete gypsy beggar and frivolous spender. I have no reason to not suspect her.

>>79511
I don't want to cast aspersions on your mother, but I would strongly advise completely removing any parental involvement in… well, anything. Even if she hasn't done anything malicious, purely anecdotally, my own mum likes to use my name and date of birth for about 98% of her passwords so I think it's fair to say our parent's generation might not be the most cyber security conscious.

>>79471
I mean OK but that doesn't really tell me how to stop feeling this way

>>79511
if he's older i wouldnt be surprised if the answers to all his questions are somewhere on his facebook if he has one

>>79480

I got my money back! Woo-hoo!
It was relatively fast. Even though they seemed pretty unhelpful over the phone (I had multiple people pick up on me that kept telling me conflicting information), they were surprisingly helpful at the actual branch. I'll still be switching banks though, because the lack of communication in alerting me before the transaction went through is unacceptable.

>>79511
Yeah, he is pretty technologically illiterate so I wouldn't be surprised.

Want a reality check. How dumb is it to buy from wholesalers and resell things?

I've had 100s of sales with everyone rating me 5/5 but I still kind of feel like a failure because most of what I sold was what I already have and I'm running out. I've made back money on everything I bought for the store tho I don't really know if I should start buying a lot more and testing the market. Or, if it's a "everyone wants to do this, therefore, it's a waste of time" thing. I'm probably going to spend some time researching different markets in any case.

I otherwise really like selling stuff so I don't want to throw in the towel.

I'm starting to suspect that my bf's has been functionally depressed for most of his adult life, and nobody noticed, including him.
Even his friends and family say "it's just how he is", but there's a difference between being stoic/serious (which is what he comes off like at first glance), and, like, almost never having fun? Even when he hangs out with his friends, or visits family, or whatever, it's like he's doing it out of some kind of sense of obligation rather than actually enjoying it.

The only pictures I've seen of him smiling are from his childhood, which, from what I've heard, was pretty shitty.
It's weird, because his serious demeanor is what I liked about him when we first met, but I'm starting to worry that it's not just a personality trait, but at least in some part pathological.

Should I talk to him about it? Would I be prying if I did?
I don't even know how I'd go about it.
"Uh hey dude, I think your entire personality is an undiagnosed mental illness, want to talk about it?"
sounds so stupid

>>80027
I've been considering doing this as a side hustle, but I don't even know if the money is that good. Has it been for you?

>>80228
>Even when he hangs out with his friends, or visits family, or whatever, it's like he's doing it out of some kind of sense of obligation rather than actually enjoying it.
As someone who spends time with family out of obligation instead of enjoyment, I can assure you that is a thing.

>Should I talk to him about it? Would I be prying if I did?
I've never met the guy, so I couldn't say. If you approach it as "trying to fix him", then you're probably fucked from the start. If you broach it more as exploring with "no judgement", you're more likely to get somewhere. Problem is your entire post reads like you're already convinced it's a problem as opposed to verifying anything first.

>"Uh hey dude, I think your entire personality is an undiagnosed mental illness, want to talk about it?"
Well yes, approaching it from that angle does sound a little stupid. Perhaps the actual question you should be asking is the far more simple one "Do you actually enjoy life/anything?". I would just take his answer at face value after that point.

>>68781
How do you stop feeling jealous of your female friends? I want to stop caring about not having any male attention, but my friends always talk about it and I get reminded of what Im missing and feel really upset and bitter. I want to be a good friend to them and start being genuinely supportive. But even when I find myself not feeling jealous, I feel so inadequate for not having experienced it. Maybe its all in my head but it feels like my lack of experience regarding men and love/dating in general is so noticeable to everyone else, even before we talk about it. Like every other girls thinking "yeah, no wonder she's never dated" and theyre secretly looking down on me and thinking Im weird, noticing every negative trait thats helped me stay single thus far. Its just really hard not to take this as a social failure, I feel as inadequate mentioning it as if I was admitting to be homeless or something equally as bad. Even if other women dont care that youre physically ugly, they'll definitely care if you come off as socially maladapted.

I'm pretty young and I'm still stuck in my family house and I really need help.

How do you handle someone who lives in the same home as you that has gotten violent before if you're an autist (no, really, I am diagnosed) that is incapable of masking and literally just ignores and avoids people that terrify you?…someone who is angered and bothered over you wanting to avoid them?
I learned from our mother that he thinks I hate him and, like…after what he's done to other people and me, I do. However, not in the way that I want to go around shit-talking him (this is probably the most candid I've been about him in years). I just want to avoid him.
Problem? He consistently has gotten massive hang ups about it and if he knew I hated him, he'd probably attack me.

>one night months ago went to the bathroom with my noise cancelling bluetooth headphones on, went back to my room, heard banging and screaming on my door–turned out he had gotten triggered into a rage because he thought I ignored him (I didn't see or hear him). To clarify, I do say "hi" back if he says hi to me. He'd probably attack me if I didn't…I kept my entire body against the door desperately trying to keep him out, I was so scared…
>this has happened before when I tried defending his disabled little brother (at the time he had been hurt by falling and was crying on the floor, yes this is a grown man) from him; I ended up blocking the door with furniture to keep him out when he had a weapon
>once walked by while thinking about something bad that just happened to me and he immediately thought I was pissed off at him even though I didn't make eye contact at him–he went on a crusade about it for 2 days even if I clarified I was just going along with my day
>has a history of playing the victim–even if it means misrepresenting events. I won't go into it but it is genuinely terrifying how in the past he's used it to justify abusing others
>he has gone rage mode on his little brother for not wanting to talk to him before; "hey man, I'm not feeling good right now, can we talk later?" is the sentence that made him get violent and feel like he was being prosecuted…yeah I heard it, it was shocking how 0 to 100 it got…

>he is an incel type and spews the talking points of school shooters and has a "women hate nice guys like me" thing going on which…yeah….

Oh. Also, yes, cops have gotten involved. He turns into charismatic liar mode around them though and has pretended he did nothing..

>>80283
Also yes the rest of the family covers for him because they don't want him to be locked up or homeless (he's never had a job before).

>>80283
>that is incapable of masking and literally just ignores and avoids people that terrify you?
Well putting aside that being autistic doesn't mean you automatically choose this stress response. This reads like zoomer teen retard speak so I'm going to assume you're underage too.

What does he do if you 100% stonewall? Zero reaction to anything he's doing, even after he gets physical?

>>80286
I mentioned the autistic thing because I struggle with communicating well (as proven by how you think I am a retard) and pleasantries. I get terrified, but it isn't that I feel that way always around him. Even when I don't I don't know how to act in a way that doesn't piss him off. Other people already accuse me of having a RBF or being standoffish/pissed off even when I am not. I've gotten it even when sitting there and reading a book quietly.

Also, I do try stonewalling when things do escalate. However, things getting really bad is rare, so right now I'm more afraid of making him more resentful of me overtime and him eventually blowing up.
Several times now in the past month he's gotten fixated about my behavior. IDK what to do.

>>80290
Wait, forgot to add: the rare times I had to completely stonewall him…he blew up. One time he started screaming about how I was acting like a man and lifted up his fists and wanted to fight me.

>>80290
>Also, I do try stonewalling when things do escalate. However, things getting really bad is rare, so right now I'm more afraid of making him more resentful of me overtime and him eventually blowing up.
I suppose that's hypothetically possible. Your options at the end of the day really only come down to three categories. Fight, flight, or ignore. You seem to be consistently choosing the ignore option, so let's set that to the side. That leaves the other two. Fight would require you to actually call him out on his bullshit, and escalate the conflict to full fruition. If you are correct that he has, actually, physically, in real life, been violent, he'll probably be violent in that situation, which may escalate to a "kill or be killed" state. In that scenario, you'd have to kill him first. There's a variation where he isn't murderous, but you set up a camera in advance, act as stonewally and reasonable as you possibly can, record him beating the shit out of you, showing physical real evidence to the police, and getting him arrested. A risky gambit, but one that could work. That leaves flight, which boils down to:
1. Live with other family
2. Live with friends
3. Live in a homeless shelter
4. Be homeless

Do you have any relatives? Make no assumption if they could or would take you, have any relatives?

Do you have any friends? Even internet friends?

Do you have local shelters for women in fear of abuse?

Do you think you are more likely to die outside your house than inside? (The very last resort because it seems you're scared he'll kill you.)

>>80291
So did you start reacting or did you keep stonewalling after he wanted to fight? I only ask because I'm a spiteful bitch who wouldn't give him what he wanted under any circumstance. I may choose death over appeasement, don't know about you.

All i want is to be in a loving relationship where sex is at most a minor part of it. Im convinced men only feel sexual attraction. Im not asexual, i just want to feel loved and im really indifferent to sex, im sure if id been in a relationship for a while Id enjoy it but i want to feel loved and cared for as opposed to feeling like a sexual object.

I dont know if its trauma or something, i was abused when i was young and with all my relationships in the past i went along with whatever they wanted, regardless of how uncomfortable i was because i wanted them to love me. I just want a cute romantic love story like on tv aha

i do get male attention but they mainly seem to be focused on sex. i think its the way i look, im 5'0, around 75lbs and my face is round/soft, so i look like a child and its really disgusting to me when men think im sexy.

I am attracted to women as well, i dont know if i would have a more comfortable time dating women but im too shy to approach anyone myself and they never approach me. I dont know what to do, maybe ill just give up

>>80346
I want to tell you that you can find some guy who thinks like yourself, but it will be really hard. A rare man who was reserved about sex would probably avoid relationships to avoid the stigma and pressure of not doing the "expected" thing. Guys like that exist, but I don't know how you would find each other.

Be it man or woman, I hope someone works out for you.

>>80291
>>80291
LOL wtf

I have no fucking idea whether or not to end my LDR. I'm still in love and it's the longest relationship I've ever been in but the distance is so hard. I'm having a mental breakdown

I found out 2 people I considered close lied to me, and 99% likely lied about a serious accusation about my old best friend who I literally cut off over it.
I feel so lost and confused. I lost the person I got along with better than anyone else because these immature spiteful pieces of shit decided to ruin someone's life for no apparent reason. I know my friend will never want to talk to me again, because I believed the lie. And obviously I don't see those two as friends anymore either. It was probably always toxic anyway, we brought out the worst in each other even before I knew. They started dating and I get satisfaction in that I know they'll destroy each other eventually. One is a manchild on the verge of trooning and the other is a woman who lies and plays innocent to get what she wants and fakes having DID lol. Knowing them eventually they'll turn on each other with their manipulative BS.
The only good thing that came out of it was me and a guy rekindling our relationship. We both have feelings for each other but he struggled very deeply with mental illness and didn't feel right dating someone while he was struggling not to kill himself some days. We kind of distanced ourselves for awhile, but got close again because of this, since he was friends with all of them too. He told me he loved me and that he wants to be with me. He's probably one of if not the only pure, genuinely good male I have ever met and feel like I can trust. if he turned out to be just like all the rest I'd probably give up on trusting men (or anyone) forever ngl. I'm not ready to hold my breath yet because I thought my ex was good too when I first met him and he turned out to be just another rage filled immature manchild when we dated. I can only hope.

I wish could be friends with men without them putting any type of romantic or sexual feelings into it. Most of the time I think they confuse their platonic feelings for something romantic anyway. I always want to tell them they just need post nut clarity and to go jerk off so they wouldn't have to involve me into any business.

I always feel so terribly bad to turn guys down too and sometimes I think to myself I could just play along with it until I've tricked myself into actually liking them. Sometimes it actually works and then it turns out they either weren't honest, didn't understand their own feelings at first, or their feelings went away after I got into it.

I want to be in love with an awesome guy I really really don't want to be romantically nor sexually lonely. And I can only ever focus on one person at a time in that way. But I really just

I am just so tired of it and I wish guy friends would just keep anything non-platonic out of it

>>80495
This is why I gave up on having male friends, it's pointless.

>>80495
>attractive enough for moids to want to befriend her
>attractive enough for multiple moids to fall for her
Lol ok Stacy

>>80532
Yeah unfortunately from my experience most moids won't even bother being platonic friends with a woman they deem ugly. It makes no fucking sense. It's like they only see value in women if they're nice to look at even if they don't intend to fuck them

>>80535
I’m ugly and no moid ever wanted to be my friend. Men only befriend girls they want to fuck. Men don’t care about womens thoughts musings or opinions, if he tolerates it it’s because he’s attracted to you.

>>80495
I feel this, I feel like it's harder to do this as you get older too…I have one platonic male friend that I met in high school and the only reason I am pretty confident that it was, is, and always will be strictly platonic is we met while he had a GF and I was the fat girl in HS. At one point they broke up then got back together, plus I have lost the weight - I think if he was going to try something he would have done so already, but he is now engaged to the same girl, and as far as I'm concerned is genuinely in love with her and wouldn't do anything to fuck with that.

I think the key is making friends with men who are not total moids and have some self awareness, who are in very stable relationships, and don't see women as objects. Which, is really fucking difficult. You're right that many of them do confuse platonic feelings for romantic - it's because the majority of them don't know how to see women as anything other than romantic or sexual targets.

I want my hot girl summer. My whole life I thought that I was a long-term relationship type of person and that I was always single because I hadn't found "the one." I'm starting to realize that I actually just don't want to be in a long-term relationship at all because no guy will be good enough (to me) for me to want to settle down with him long-term. Some guys are cute, some guys are sweet and nice, but none of them I like enough to want to spend an extended amount of time with. My self-esteem isn't reliant on men finding me attractive, but I realized that of course it feels nice if a cute guy finds you attractive and I don't have to deny that. I'm already in my mid-twenties where men are going to start aging like milk. Before they all become completely undesirable to me, I want to have the experience of flirting with them and desiring someone and being desired back. The issue is I'm scared of going into it because I have barely any sexual experience. I've had plenty of sexual experience with myself, but I've never done anything more than just kissing a few guys and having one finger me awfully years ago. It was really the worst but I didn't know any better back then. 

For the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with being celibate or a virgin. I've just been celibate my whole life and want to experience what intimacy is like. I'm not going to be reckless about it and I'm not going to hook up with the first guy who is willing to sleep with me. I'm still going to filter for men who I am attracted to and who won't just treat me like an object (I guess that's a little hard to predict, but I'll still look out for the red flags) and at least for now while I'm still a virgin (and maybe even after that) I'm not going to hook up with someone the first time upon meeting them. It's just that at least now I also don't have to think 'am I willing to be exclusive with this person and incorporate them into my life' since I realized that would be a "no" for basically any man I've talked to.

Should I adopt this dog? There's a white dog I found 10 days ago in an abandoned field. The field is owned by a man that only goes there on weekends to stay in the house. 3 other dogs live in that same field with this white dog. The 3 dogs belong to that man. All 4 dogs are in terrible condiction (hunger, matting, parasits, lack of love and human interaction). The white dog is the most friendly of them all, enjoys playing with me and seems like he needs more stimulation. He happens to be owned by a neighbour of the owner of the field, whose house is almost 60 meters far from the field. This white dog never goes there, he probably doesn't have any dog companion, his owner doesn't care about him (he's painly thin and full of parasits). When I found the dogs I contacted an associaton that has given medication to the dogs and I myself have been going to feed them as often as I could. The girl from the association finally comfirmed after my insistence that the dogs were in a very poor condition, specially the white one because the owner of the field doesn't give him food when he's during weekends. I want to adopt him but I still live with my mother and she won't let me bring it home. We already have 2 cats and she doesn't like animals and doesn't want to have another pet. I would buy pheromones for the cat and others for the dog and since he is a small dog I'm willing to try they socialize. But my mother wants to hear nothing from it. The only option she gave me is to leave him in a fenced field we own and where we'll probably start living in 9 months. Her idea is that I spend time with him every day by going to this field which is 5km far from the city. I don't want to do this but I know that the dog is in a worse situation right know and I want to help him. It could take much longer for him to enter in the association's shelter because they're oversaturated, so he'll end up in someone's house/flat for a while with who knows how many dogs and until who knows when until he gets adopted. He's not a puppy so he'll have it harder. I just really want to give this dog a better chance, put him in my home where we have a large terrace, our flat is near the river so when can take long walks everyday , in less than a year we could be living in the country together. I know my mother is being reasonable but I haven't been home most of the year these past 4 years because I was studying abroad. Now I'll be here 100% of the time and I can take care of my cat, my sister's cat and this dog perfectly! My brother doesn't live with us anymore and we have his huge bedroom empty. What should I do?

>>82213
It’s horribly annoying to live with people who bring random diseased animals home, especially after they’ve been told no. It isn’t your house or animal. Listen to your mother.

Even though my mother told me we could adopt him some days ago she has definitely changed her mind. This dog is hopefully going to be alright and healthy like the other 3 dogs. He doesn't deserve to be in the situation he is. I am very disappointed at my mother's final decision because it's based on a new concern she shouldn't worry about, I'm not leaving town again to study. I'm going to keep on checking how the dog is doing if not each day at least with some frequency, after all nobody is looking after him. The heatwave is at its peak this week and the field is far from the river and has no trees.

>>82213
Can you not call the cops for animal abuse?
If not, seriously start making TikTok videos about this. You cannot imagine how many videos I have seen of people doing TikToks about the abused animals and getting money to help them or police or animal control involved.

>>68781
I just realized that I didnt originally wanted to get my BA in business admin and that I was just following my dad, and whats even worse is that i will incur 60k worth of debt if i go to this certain school that my dad pushed me towards i told my friend about and she says, "it doesnt matter because in the end it will be worth it :D" whats even worse is that I feel inclined to be a librarian but I dont even think I would ever get a good position at a state/corporate librarian i just dont know what I should do esp since if I want to be a librarian I need a BA in order to get my MILS and the BA can be anything, but it helps to have a BA that can lead you towards a certain type of librarianship
I tried emailing and doing a lot of research but eventually I will have to change something and its going to make my dad upset there is just so much going on at home I wish I could just leave home and live with my bf, but I would never want to leave like that i wanna wean off for my family sake im sorry for blog posting, im just so worried and i feel stupid for it

>>82343
The animal association I contacted is going to watch out for them unofficially and if things go back to being bad they will so something about it. But I don't think the police would do anything, many people have dogs like this, they use them as alarms/defense of property and they aren't properly registrated. Thanks anyway

Has anyone ever broken up with someone they are still in love with? Im considering it and i feel so guilty that i havent been sleeping properly

>>82571
are you actually in love with them, or are you in love with the fantasy of what you hope they/the relationship could be?

>>82579
I'm actually in love with them. We've been together for years.

Your dad shouldn’t be angry that you switched majors. That’s kind of petty of him. There’s still things you can do with humanities degrees if you don’t become a librarian, it’s not a death sentence as long as it isn’t anything too crazy or specific.

Have you considered minoring in business, and then majoring in english/library science/whatever? It will probably give you a better safety net.

How do I get over feeling ‘dirty’, ‘used’, ‘unpure’ after losing my virginity?
The experience was pretty traumatic to me, I posted about what happened before but I won’t get into it in this post. I haven’t had sex since nor do I want to. I can’t get over this feeling. I keep wishing I was a virgin again that I ‘wasted’ it, when I think about it I cant help but cry. Anyone with experience getting past this? I absolutely internalised purity culture from growing up with image boards, & it doesn’t help my one experience was so terrible that I can’t ever see myself having sex again. Please.

>>83702
Nothing much to do but realize virginity is just a made up concept that has no real value.
If it helps, I didn't have sex until I was 24 and waiting is not "worth it" or magical. Sex is not special or deep like you see in fiction, you just do it for pleasure. If there was no pleasure it wouldn't even be worth the trouble.

>work at shopping mall
>colleague from different store said good morning to me today in the storage room
>we never talk but sometimes pass each other in the mall
>barely heard him as I was deep in thoughts
>mumbled something unintelligible back
>immediately felt embarrassed
>tfw this has already happened twice a few months ago

If I encounter him tomorrow, would it be socially acceptable or even necessary to let him know I wasn't being rude on purpose? He isn't my colleague but our stores are right beside each other and share the same storage room.

He probably already forgot about it but who knows…

>>84299
It would be nice, but be aware it might start a little small talk. "Sorry I was lost in thoughts" "yeah same that's how I deal with these annoying customers" "I know they're the worst" etc.

>>82345
Nona, you sound in a similar position to me. I was forced into STEM but have struggled to do all of it. I can hardly focus and have failed numerous classes. I failed so much I'm probably going to switch my major to liberal arts just to graduate lol.

>>87560
Forgot to add, your parents won't be able to know what classes or what your major is in uni. Be sure to hide that info in the directory (most uni's have this and it's actually a horrible way they put their students at risk, not just from parents, but by stalkers and such). I'd say take a few electives while you can for classes you think you'd like. If you want to be a librarian you still have to go to grad school I think? Not sure how much the prior degree matters for your bachelor's.

>>82345
Bro don’t be a librarian. I’m in library school rn and regret it so much. Way too many graduates with very few positions and opportunities. Also it’s competitive as fuck, even more so than law or med school. And the students are too ambitious, with many having degrees in other graduate programs which give them a competitive edge for academic libraries. There’s also law students who want to become law librarians or copyright librarians at academic libraries and they are guaranteed a job. If you’re gonna be a librarian, go to law school first for job security lmao
If you’re thinking public libraries, that’s also hard to get your foot in the door. Many students in MLIS started off as library technicians or volunteered/worked at a public library to gain experience. You’ll have to give away your free time to work on experience building. Even then, HR in public libraries tend to prefer hiring internally and are just required to send out a job ad. The suckers who apply externally never had a chance.
You’ll also have to pay for memberships at various associations and attend conferences out of your own pocket JUST to be considered competitive. You’ll look silly if you don’t and are brushed off by employers
Don’t go to library school and stick with something that gets you a job easily, trust me.

>>87578
>If you’re gonna be a librarian, go to law school first for job security lmao
This is wild, I had no idea. I finished med school but hate the job, it's making me want to law school only to get a comfy library job.

>>87579
I wish I could go back in time and take school seriously, take STEM courses/programs and actually get a job in something like computer coding or nursing. It's so hard applying to jobs with my MLIS degree. The libraries have severe budget cuts and as a result only give out temporary contract work because they pay you less. It's difficult to get a permanent job. Some students even volunteer at an academic library arranging their collections or assisting in digital tools and what not JUST to get experience (which is ridiculous! at least as a med student you get paid for your residency). Loads of students have to move out of their hometown for shitty contract work in another state, even another country as there are limited amount of libraries and positions.
But yeah, library work is easy in the age of Google. Most users turn to the internet for their information needs, so you don't really do much if you do end up as a reference librarian at a university. Hell, when I was working at my public library, the librarians there spent two hours on Pinterest working on their mood boards and the nerdy front desk girls nerded out over fanfiction and described worldbuilding ideas to each other.
Anyway, if you have the brains for it (and the money) go to law school and become a copyright librarian at an academic library. You can help the faculty publish Open Access articles, which is basically just cross-checking to see if their manuscript has the correct requirements to be Open Access. You'll get hired right away too. Easy gig, sort of bad pay though. Wouldn't you want to work your butt off as a doctor and get a lot of money?

>>68781
So there is an older guy with whom he share some activities and I already kind of see him like a nice uncle I've never had. A little bit ago he was talking about how if anyone in our group needs some support with anything we can always call him. I'm not sure if he wasn't joking because he does that a lot but he seemed genuine and he gives off this kind of vibes. Problem is I do feel shy to do that and I do have abandonment issues and I'm afraid of messing it up or getting too attached. But I would really like some support from someone like him though

>>94638
Unless you know this guy really well, this sounds like a bad idea.

>>94648
I know him well enough, I suppose. He does seem genuinely nice. My problem is I'm shy and there is a danger of me growing too attached to a person who acts supportive towards me and it does seem bad

>>68781
If this isn't the right space please let me know. I am new here.
Without a blog post autobiography I am an actually-religious woman, early 20's, homeschooled plus some online university, and what I want most in the world is to marry another traditional Catholic guy and have kids. OF COURSE I live in a rural area without many Catholics that aren't related so I am going to try a dating app for Catholics.

Here' is by conundrum-
My friends tell me that if I put in my profile that I will never have premarital sex and never want to use birth control no man will talk to me except the weirdos.
My mother tells me that if I put my life goals as "wife and mother" I will scare everyone away.
But a Catholic Theologian that I read (man with only sons) says that the devout Catholic guys looking for a girl like me want to hear that we want to marry, have kids, and follow the Church's teaching.

So I am really conflicted and have literally zero dating experience and without brothers don't know much about men.

Who do I listen to?

>>94663
Honestly, all sides are right in this scenario. I think your problem may be that you're trying to use a dating site. Dating sites tend to only attract lax-catholics/less faithful people. Depending on how traditional you are (Sedevacantist, SSPX, or whatever else) I would honestly recommend joining or participating in online communities who share your beliefs. If that doesn't work then I guess just be a nun lol.

>>94663
why hide the truth, i see the points they are making too but by not stating what you are like and what you want you're setting your potential dates and, more importantly, yourself up for disappointment.
dating apps are cesspools and no matter the kind you use, you're going to end up meeting lots of trash men and so >>94682 is making a very good point.
anyways in your shoes i'd be upfront, after all you're looking for someone of similar values. it's pretty inevitable to find weirdos but you can just weed them out yourself until someone with potential shows up

>>94682
>>94683
Thank you both

Is it bad to confess to someone taken if you plan to get over them and the crush is really fucking painful for you? Also, I could very easily lie and say I didn’t know if I wanted (she doesn’t know I know she’s taken). I feel like it would be a good step in trying to get over it but at the same time, I dont want her to be uncomfortable.

>>96619
Also here’s a thing I wrote if I did confess

F, I know this will make you uncomfortable, but I think its best to be transparent about this and get it off my chest so I can stop thinking about it. I don’t want my emotions to ruin anything in the long run.

I still have a massive crush on you. Even in that 2021-2022 period when we weren’t talking I kinda did. It’s really bad. It’s why I try to text you so much and overthink when I do it. I fucking love you. I love your little quirks. You’re so fucking cute. I could listen to you talk for hours and not get bored. It’s hard for me to find a single thing to dislike about you, even after what happened at group.
But I’m aware you’re taken, given your YouTube bio. It is 100% unrealistic for you to like me back and I should DEFINITELY move on, which is mostly the point of me confessing. This is not a proposal, but a step towards trying to change myself. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s a bad situation for you. I hope we can still but friends, but if this is too weird and you want to unfriend me or take a break after this, I completely understand.

Tldr: I still have a crush on you, but I want to get over it and expect nothing in return.

>>96619
>Is it bad to confess to someone taken
Yes full stop, sorry anon

>>96621
Youre right. I’m just horny and scatterbrained today.

>>94663
Join catholic communities outside of your direct community. Don't use an app, 9 times out of 10 there will just be a bunch of creeps

Lately I've been having extreme jealousy problems. I hate my life so much currently that when something very good happens to one of my friends I no longer feel happy for them, I just feel jealous and want it for myself. Of course I do to an extent genuinely feel happy that my friend is happy, but the jealousy takes over that.
It's making me very antisocial and not wanting to talk to anyone. I'm so ashamed of my life that I don't want to talk about my own, but if they talk about theirs I'll find something to be jealous about. Help? I don't want to be such a hateful and negative person.

Lately I’m having dissociation issues where I get so anxious I suddenly feel kind of high, like I’m mildly stoned. I’ve been to therapy and taking meds for a long time but still have a horrible time trying to keep steady/act normal when this happens because it’s really frightening. DAE have this issue? Do any nonas have some advice for calming down (beside basic breathing techniques etc), like maybe comforting things to tell yourself? Also yes I will talk to my doctor but that doesn’t help me right now so…
Pic unrelated I just think it’s cute

I was having a pretty good day today and then I talked to my therapist about something and now I have been launched into the throes of self-hatred, thinking I don’t deserve anything, and barely being able to concentrate on shit because I’m so angry at myself and don’t believe I deserve anything. How can I get this to stop? I want to enjoy the rest of my week and I have a concert tomorrow that I want to go to, but my thoughts keep getting so negative. I keep thinking I’m a loser, no one likes me, I’m terrible at my job, I’m fat, I’m ugly, ugh…

Can someone please reassure me that being 28 and still a kissless virgin isn't weird and I still have time to find someone? It's been hitting me really hard lately, I'm scared to try dating because when I tell the guy I have no experience he'll think I'm even weirder than I already am

>>97482
ntayrt, but what kind of online spaces might be a good alternative?

>>97517
I think you should do a couple of things. First of all avoid guys that look for "pure and inexperienced" girls, because those are simply too risky, don't fall into that temptation. Secondly, if you are OK with a somewhat small lie, instead of saying that you have no experience at all you could say that you haven't dated or been in a relationship in many years and that you just feel a bit awkward and unused to the whole thing.

Need to know if i should use accept money from my ex boyfriend. We have been broken up for over 6 months, and before that dated on and off for 4 years in an online relationship (yeah), still haven't met him because plans to meet kept falling off for a lot of genuine reasons both on his side and mine. Anyway he's mentally ill insecure and has nothing good in his life type of guy, but really rich and generational wealth and even a loving family but well ok won't judge just because i have none of it and can still cope. anyway he still is not over me and keeps begging me to come back any chance he gets because he's like i won't find anyone better (no one else will put up with him)

I basically told him because I'm just so based and contentpilled all a man can ever add to my life is money and I'm looking forward to a hypergamous arranged marriage to secure my future happiness (for context I'm indian), which i said because i thought he would be turned off and think I'm a gold digger and finally just move on but then he was like if you want money i can just give you and stayed adamant, he'd suggested it before in our relationship too but i hadn't seen enough of the world to even consider it

Now i am confused. I don't dislike him, our relationship was just way too draining and toxic and he was quite the asshole because of his insecurities and anger issues, i am basically desensitized to men because i did everything in my power to make it work and it still didn't, that's why it lasted 4 long years, and at this point i dont even care who I'm with i just want it to add something productive to my life instead of just take and take energy. I'm a pooroid studento, should i take allowance from my richie rich ex and go back to dating him?

>>97522
Thank you anon, this is good advice. tbh I'm far more scared of kissing than sex because it looks so complicated lol, I am at least well acquainted with my own sexuality because I've masturbated so much. I guess I'll just fake it until I make it.

How do you all get past impostor syndrome? I'm in my last year of college and wrote an 80 page honors thesis and I can't stop feeling like it was a waste of time and I said nothing with all those pages. I'm trying to build a defense presentation but just can't. I feel like all my colleagues did wonderful research that impacted their field, and I've wasted everyone's time and energy. I don't even want to defend. I don't want anyone to know I spent years researching a niche topic that no one cared about to begin with. I don't know what to do, but it's too late to back out now. It doesn't feel like I know anything and the work I put in didn't matter. It's probably impostor syndrome and burnout, but I'm really struggling.

>>97539
No he will use the money to control and blackmail you to do his bidding. Even if you want to quit accepting money and break it off at some point, he will start guilting you
"Look what I did for you!"
If you think you are immune to this kind of manipulation, go for it I guess. But overall its just an awful idea. Besides, he sounds like a lot of work to just be around. Do you really wanna deal with his emotional damage anymore?
>Indian
Oof. I feel for you. The culture and the moids are the worst. Stay strong.

it's so funny because i don't miss him. I rather miss the abstract concept of companionship. Of being associated with someone. Of knowing that there is someone out there who isn't a blood relative, or a school friend who loves and appreciates you sometimes even more than you do yourself. Is it even normal to miss a feeling rather than the person? I get so caught up in these idealizations, it becomes borderline dehumanizing. And it's much more noticeably heinous and unfair when I measure up someone other than myself to this unattainable ideal.
Dramatic vent but whatever

>>97540
>tbh I'm far more scared of kissing than sex because it looks so complicated lol
Not really, just start slowly an it'll come to you more or less automatically.

Am I an idiot for not wearing dresses?

I haven't worn a dress or skirt in years because, imo, any expression of femininity will cause you to get looked down on. I'm in computer science which doesn't make me eager to dress in a feminine manner either.

But, divorced from society, I actually think dresses are far superior to other clothing items, especially in summer. Sweatpants are more comfy than jeans, and dresses are more comfy than sweatpants. Your legs are free.

So, am I stupid for basing my clothing choices around the fear of being seen as "a girly girl" and losing respect, or is this valid?

>>97676
I don't really wear dresses either, not even to formal events. I think that dresses are really hit or miss with me, back when I would wear them. Some are too tight, some wouldn't be fitted right at the waist… I feel like pants and shorts give a lot more options. Whether or not you fear being a 'girly girl' is another thing, but I don't think dresses are as based as some people think.

On the other hand… it's just clothing, but people will definitely judge what you wear. It's been proven that people take women who dress more masculine more seriously in the office. Even though that sucks, maybe that means it's better to dress masculine if it can get shitheads in the office to listen to you.

>>97676

Another CS major here. I've dressed androgynously and/or tomboyishly here for so long that it makes me uncomfortable to dress femininely at this point, although I really like to and it makes me feel slightly more confident sometimes. I'm not very attractive and noticeable, so I don't think I have reason to be scared of attracting more attention if I did, but I guess I still am. I don't like the idea of dressing in a way that draws more attention to myself. Shame because I think I have alot of cute clothes that practically go completely unworn because of it. I walk around dressed like an NPC when I wish I could walk around dressed like a Stacy with a low-cut tank top and choker.

>>97677
>It's been proven that people take women who dress more masculine more seriously in the office.
Time to break out the flannel jacket and steel-capped boots

>>97676
>because, imo, any expression of femininity will cause you to get looked down on
You're right. It's true.
t. I work in tech

>>97676
I'm a woman in tech who is also very into fashion and I love dresses. Some of them are girlier, some of them are more edgy because I have different styles and it's true that some people may treat you different but I find that if you talk and act very confident, stand tall and make your voice steady and strong, it doesn't matter too much in the end. Also fuck men and what they think.

How can I improve my social skills when I'm inside all day & never talk to people?
I was shopping earlier and I just had a realization of just how bad my social skills have gotten and how awkward it was just ringing up my stuff and making small talk with the cashier.

>>97837
I don't have any advice but I relate to you, and I feel very upset to be outside and even when I push myself out of my comfort zone I don't attract people I want to be friends with :(

I've been told that I have "stop bothering me" way of speaking and it makes me sad because I actually really wanna have friends and always try to be friendly and I don't wanna come off this way. Maybe that's because I'm afraid of being too clingy so unless I'm sure someone's interested I just assume they're not and just talk to me out of politeness and act accordingly. Maybe that makes me seem unfriendly? But I don't like it, I would really appreciate having a friend but I also don't wanna get clingy if someone's only nice out of politeness. How do you even handle this?

>>97837
In the same situation as you and the only thing that has helped me is mutiplayer games that let you voice chat

i made friends with someone over instagram during the pandemic, and when i met them for the first time it was a really big deal. they made it explicit that they were not into me and despite vaguely liking them i accepted that. it felt good to have a friend who i could trust with secrets/real feelings, and that was the main draw of being their friend. felt great in fact to trust someone with real, unadulterated feelings. they then got with a moid friend who told my secrets/talked shit to other moid friends in the past. am i a bad person for not wanting to tell her my real feelings anymore? i already know she told some secrets to the moid, and that he then spread those secrets around.

When I was 6 months pregnant, my sister died from a long-term condition. She was desperate to have a family of her own and was absolutely in love with being an aunt, since we were raised by our aunt. Recently I've been thinking about getting pregnant again, but there's also another thought that's been with me for a while: that my sister harvested and froze eggs. I want to go to my partner and present the idea of using IVF to fertilise her eggs with his sperm, so that I can be a surrogate. I sometimes get kind of silly ideas stuck in my head and need honest opinions from strangers. CC is generally pretty brutally honest. However, let me lay out my reasoning:

1. I only met my partner because of my sister. She was searching for husband-material and that's why, on the one day I was uncharacteristically social and left my room while she had friends over, we met. Without her, my child wouldn't exist. One could even argue that I stole her earliest chance at a child.

2. She only invited him over because she thought he would be a great fit for the father of her children. She liked him from the moment they met and thought he was going to make a wonderful dad.

3. Having children was the one thing she wanted that she just could not have. She suffered through disastrous treatments to carve out a normal life by sheer will and determination, but pregnancy was just not biologically viable. She never asked for anything, and it's the one thing I could never give her.

4. The baby would have nearly the same genetics as their older sister, and be carried to term by the same mother. They wouldn't be different or treated differently in any way.

5. If I don't do this, then the last living part of her, the physical embodiment of her hope for the future, will sit in a deep freeze until one day they're deemed non-viable and destroyed.

>>105486
Blunt take.
You were raised by your aunt, you love your sister; these two seems like good people, lucky you. Is it a reason good enough to birth an orphan?
You already bear a living part of your sister, as each of your children. No need to create a second class of children among your family.
It honestly looks like a very selfish endeavour.

>>105486
It's not a silly idea.
I don't want to say much because this is a sensitive topic but I feel like there's a lot of regret, or guilt that you feel about "stealing" your sister's potential partner which potentially destroyed her hope before she died. It looks like her death greatly affects you and you want to make up for it somehow.

>>105488
>Is it a reason good enough to birth an orphan?
Why is the child an orphan?
Nona and her partner are going to be the IVF baby's parents.

>>105488
>birth an orphan
>a second class of children
>very selfish
wat
the baby would have the same status as their sibling. same biological father and a mother who gave birth to them. being half-sibling-cousins would be weird later on, though.

How do I stop myself waking up with panic attacks?
I have to stay in bed for 15 or so minutes telling "relax" to myself and it lessens it but never goes away.

>>105567
People don't wake up in panic for no reason. What's going on in your life atm, nona?

>>105593
I wish I knew how to figure why I'm feeling anxious, with my heart beating rapidly when I wake up. Even right now, I'm experiencing a really low level of anxiety which I can feel.

>What's going on in your life atm, nona?
Absolutely nothing. I'm a shut-in.

>>105596
Your pic says a lot. What are you afraid of facing in your waking hours? What's haunting you in your sleep?

My anxiety is preventing me from taking tests at university. I study a lot, I take my meds but still can't do it. I've been thinking of dropping out and getting a job, but how do I even do it? How do I write a CV when I have no prior professional experience?

>>105608
Look for jobs requiring no previous experience and preferably ones offering initial training. But first and foremost work on your anxieties. If they're interfering with college, what makes you believe they won't interfere with work?

>>105604
>Your pic says a lot.
I didn't mean to :P

>What's haunting you in your sleep?
I took an active effort in trying to observe what's going on when I wake up. I'm sick and I think I was experiencing fever dreams, and it was about rape, assault, bullying, abuse, and all kinds of scary things. I think I should stop watching true crime stuff because I feel like it's not about me, but I was observing these things happen around me in the dream. I don't know what happened yesterday though, but today it was this.

>What are you afraid of facing in your waking hours?
I think it's going outside my room, lol.

>>105608
What are you anxious about?

>How do I write a CV when I have no prior professional experience?
>high school "experience"
>subjects you majored in or studied at school
>extra-curriculars
>part-time gigs
>pet projects
>skills you know of - coding, hobbies, sports participation in school events

>>105612
>I think it's going outside my room, lol.
Nobody's afraid of going outside of their room - it's of the things which might happen of they do. So what do you think would happen if you did?

>>105610
>But first and foremost work on your anxieties.
I'm going to therapy and taking meds.

>If they're interfering with college, what makes you believe they won't interfere with work?
To be honest, I don't know. The only job I ever had was as an undergrad researcher and it went well.

>>105612
>What are you anxious about?
I have depression and anxiety, it used to be manageable with the meds. Now I can't take exams without having panic attacks.
Thanks for the advice, I'll rewrite my CV and try applying for jobs.

>>105628
Good luck, nona

>>68781
Should i feel bad for ghosting someone?

>>105660
Well, why did you ghost someone?

I don't know if this is an ADHD thing or something but journaling is so boring. What's even more boring is reading what I've written after maybe a week and realizing how boring and mundane my problems are and how repetitive I am that I could've said something in maybe a sentence or two but I've written a whole paragraph about it.

I don't know what to do about it. 😴

>>105972
Why are you keeping a journal in the first place, if it's not a secret?
If it's to process emotions/feelings, then try switching to drawing. No matter how simple and silly they are, sometimes it helps you express emotions much better than any text. Stick men, simple faces, landscapes, abstractions - whatever you deem expresses your feelings enough. It's also less boring btw.

>>105972
The issue is you're not talking about God enough. Only three mentions in one page? That's basically heresy.

>>105988
>Stick men, simple faces, landscapes, abstractions - whatever you deem expresses your feelings enough. It's also less boring btw.
Hmm… that sounds cool. I've always wanted to draw. Also, yes. I want to process my emotions and feelings mainly to empty my mind onto a paper.

>>105988
It's not mine, lol. I just grabbed that image online.

Best way to deal with a fuckboy you're attracted to but don't want to just give into sex with? How did it pan out for you?

How do you make friends with other women if you're a chronically online shut in with stereotypically male hobbies and attitudes
I wish I could find like-minded people to shitpost with

>>106120
do you struggle with finding or making friendships?

>>106126
what do you do all day then?

>>106129
Lately? what changed?

>>106126
I'm a retarded neet with zero hobbies too.

>>106129
What books changed your mind?

>>106133
>Would be your friend
You already are a friend! :P
>I'm paranoid about talking to strangers online
Yeah, me too. I don't like instant messaging because I'm quite impulsive and I've written some things that I regret, either when I'm very emotional, or without even realizing that what I say would have consequences, like talking about my food preferences which was later used to narrow down my race.
Internet is not a safe place.
>I can't even make friends on the internet
I've tried in the past but it didn't work out for me.
Having no hobbies and shared interests made it hard for me to find something to connect with, so what I had to do was connect with others using childhood trauma and mental illness, which initially was nice but things went out of control.
I thought I could use internet as a codependency anonymous meeting, but it became an insane asylum with lots of infighting instead.
I don't think internet is a good place to make friends based on these experiences. Interactions are between personas which anyone can fake, and not the actual person, and there's only so much you can convey with letters and a lot of things like emotions, body languages, or facial expressions ignored.
It feels like something is always missing. I guess it's the physical presence of the person you're interacting with.

>>106129
>and there's only so much you can convey with letters and a lot of things like emotions, body languages, or facial expressions ignored.
It feels like something is always missing. I guess it's the physical presence of the person you're interacting with.
I full heartly agree with that. Both verbal and nonverbal communication have their limits, there's only so much you can portray with words, gestures and what your face displays alone. Often you want to say so much that you don't even know how to put it yourself; I personally sometimes just say nothing in that regard; resulting in being misunderstood.
When comes to being misunderstood there are both good and bad sides. The bad is that its impossible to understand oneself fully as its paradoxical, in order to truly understand oneself to the fullest one would have be too simple to understand oneself. But the good side is that we aren't just one thing, one emotion, one anything. We are who we are based on countless factors and experiences and every little piece of ourselves can be individually understood to some greater or lesser extent by us or others, and sometimes, with very rare moments, someone else can udnerstand one or few experiences about ourselves just a bit better than ourselves, connecting us one to another; and personally it soothes me a little

>>106136
>I definitely have commitment issues
Yeah, me too. I struggle to maintain consistency when it comes to spending time with others because of my mood swings or something going on in my life. I guess that's why I find imageboards comfortable and I can just reply when I feel like it.
>I find someone I like speaking to
Yeah, me too. I don't understand why. It feels so weird to just lose interest in someone, maybe because they said this one particular thing that hurt me, or I'd just feel bored hanging around them, I don't know. Internet feels too shallow for me.
>I'm to fucked for that now
Aw don't say that. It's going to be hard work but it's not something permanent, I hope. Problem though is finding people in person to talk with.
>>106137
Well said.

>>106166
>We're all just being honest here and dumping our true thoughts which I think is so nice and makes it much more human.
Yep, that's exactly it. I feel that venting is a pure cathartic expression of emotions through words that speaks to others who can resonate with it, than something like a lecture or creative writing, lol.
>I really hope everything works out for you as you said you had some mental health issues so just take care of yourself.
Thank you, nona. You take care too.

this is probably a dumb issue, but i need some advice.

ive been on crystal cafe for a yearish sparingly, mostly posting the dream diary on /x/, and i often have vivid dreams, and i frequently have nightmares. i've noticed that alcohol makes my nightmares significantly worse. i don't drink often, nor enough to vomit, just enough to have a good time. i like drinking, its fun but i'm seriously considering just cutting alcohol out completely because i just can't deal with these nightmares anymore. i don't want to not drink though because i really enjoy it, plus making drinks that are tasty are nice. i just don't know what to do anymore. recently, i left a gathering with my fiance after having a couple jello shots and some bottles of soju and i woke up from a nightmare just sobbing uncontrollably. any advice? do i just suck it up and never drink again or should i seek medical advice? is there anything that can even be done for vivid nightmares

sorry, i guess this is more of a vent than a real advice thing.

>inb4 "smoke weed it will stop dreams"
im good, i get less restful sleep as a result of that.

>>111415
You understand the problem and know the solution but you lack the will to carry it through. Do you know what your threshold of drinking is that triggers your nightmares? Try keeping it below that and go to bed with the confidence you didn't over consume.

>>111418
the nightmares will happen anyways, just not as predictably, that's why i lack motivation. i guess i could see if a lower amount of alcohol will affect, (ideally it will). i just am tired of dreams in general.

>>111415
It's called 'spirits' for a reason; there be demons inside. They're also known as fungal spores, and mycotoxins. They're fine, beautiful, and should be left to the earth where they belong. See zombie ant for a good example of one you wouldn't inside of you. The weirdest part is, all fungal organisms inside our GI tract are known to directly influence thoughts and feelings, which makes something even as ordinary as pizza, or anything which contains yeast a 'mind altering drug'

I'm getting older. I can't seem to stick to one interest. I like learning things on guitar. I want to get better at piano. I like studying from maths textbooks. I like reading across broad fields, getting interested in niche topics that I'll forget about in a few months. It's like I'm living my late teens, but 10 years too late; work takes up too much time for me to really get good at anything, even if I did focus my efforts. I should've been exploring this when I was younger. I feel like no matter what, there's always someone younger and better than me. I can't help but feel replaceable. The last 6 years went too quickly, I don't remember what happened in them. What was I doing with that time? I want to be single, but I don't want to be alone. This and that, either/or, I'm being pulled in all directions and I can't just pick one. My life's a contradiction; even if I make a choice now, in a week or so I'll be acting out the opposite.

Maybe I just want someone over 30 who's been through something similar to tell me it all gets better. Has anyone had success with sporadic interests? Sometimes I feel like everything converges and I find purpose, only to realise that when lines intersect they continue out the other side and your cone of knowledge only widens. Is this merely the burden of knowledge?

>>111422
I guess I'm not exactly in the same situation as you since, while I do have very broad interests, they do converge somewhat (my main interests are arts and social sciences). That said, it is very frustrating because, for the most part, I feel like I'm accumulating knowledge and experiences, but I have not yet been able to produce something I would consider truly meaningful out of it. Is that also what you're struggling with? Do you have some kind of long-term goals when you pick up new interests?

I'm having a mini-crisis. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and what drew me to him was this really subdued, rational calm he exudes in high-stress moments that I just can't imagine having. In those 6 months, I've got to see it a fair few times because, outside emotional moments for me, I love to go to events on weekends and drunk/high guys will pick fights. Every single time he's calmly de-escalated with a reassuring smile and convinced them to go on their way. He even managed to convince a guy, who'd taken a drunken swing moments before, that he was about to have a stroke and got him to lie down like it was a medical emergency until he'd calmed, then called him a taxi and told him to get a physical with a doctor after a night's rest. I know he was in the army, but I don't think that natural calm is something you can teach.

The problem occurred yesterday when we came out of a hardware store to find two guys stealing from a jerrycan out of the back of his car. He was de-escalating, trying to talk them into leaving, but one of the two started posturing. I'd seen this before and expected something similar to what had happened with the drunk, but out of no where he just hit the guy; punched him 3-4 times in the face and sent him spilling to the ground. The second guy stopped stealing and helped his friend up to retreat because it was obvious he was badly hurt or stunned. He then just turns, shakes his head and takes back the can.

We talked about it after we left, and he seemed convinced the guy was violent and thought it was better to deal with it in the moment before it turned into a real fight. I'm not sure I buy that, because it looked like a gorilla dominance display, not like he was actually preparing to fight. Regardless, I brought this up with his friends and they all just laughed, because apparently this has happened before and they all think it's great. At no point did it ever come up that all his friends are a little frightened of him because of how well he fights, nor the fact that he's badly hurt others multiple times. This absolutely shatters my view of him, because I felt like he was above that sort of monkeybrain moid behaviour. I really, really like him because I didn't think he'd ever lash out at someone in anger. Now I can't help but feel lied to and I'm unsure if I even want to pursue a relationship with a guy who just 180's on fundamental parts of his personality.

>>111593
>My boyfriend is generally calm and goes out of his way to be diplomatic
>He's also a capable fighter and can easily beat people's asses but oft chooses not to
I don't exactly see your problem.

>>111593
You're an idiot.

>>111595
It's kind of a redflag if this guy portrays himself as having a calm demeanour but can flip a switch and get aggressive in a situation that didn't necessarily call for it. It'd make me wonder if he would start beating me eventually. I'd much rather be with a soft moid than an ape brained aggressive moid.

>>111595
The issue is that he can, and does. The guy was no threat to him, but he chose to physically punish him for stealing.

>>111600
This exactly. I'm terrified he thinks that if diplomacy fails, he can use violence to get his way with anyone who opposes him. That's not the kind of person I want to be with.

>>111600
What if instead of stealing gas, they'd groped your ass?
Would you wish to be with a softie soyfriend at that point?
Maybe that punishment was excessive, it's better for the world that crime to be punished then to pass the buck with inaction.

>>111603
babe they were not rowdy hoodlums they were METH ADDICTS stealing gas in a parking lot. there is no other universe where they didn't have a gun or stab your bf to death first then come after you. >>111595 is right there is no problem and him ending it with a few punches the METH ADDICT BROAD DAYLIGHT THIEF could walk after is the most restrained thing possible.

>>111603
He just saved you from a bunch of junkies and you're complaining on Here
If he has zero history of violence towards you why do you think he'd start now?

>>111624
What the fuck are you on about. It's the exact opposite. If they were armed and dangerous, his reaction would have escalated things and put both of them at risk. Even if you think a bf's role is to be strong and protective, he failed at that by going "ooga booga" against guys who weren't being violent at the time but could have had a gun.

Also, the fact that it happened several times and to the point that his own friends are scared of him is a huge red flag.

>>111628
She's likely over thinking and overreacting
He's probably just normal
I put no weight in anything anyone says here because it likely comes from a mentally ill mouth

>>111600
>It's kind of a redflag if this guy portrays himself as having a calm demeanour but can flip a switch and get aggressive in a situation that didn't necessarily call for it.
I agree with this. Where I disagree with you is in the implication that two moids stealing from you (in broad daylight, in a parking lot) and posturing is not sufficient cause for aggression.

>>111603
>he chose to physically punish him for stealing.
According to your story he did try to de-escalate the situation, but the other guy didn't want any of it.

>I'm terrified he thinks that if diplomacy fails, he can use violence to get his way with anyone who opposes him.
Do you not understand that the sole reason diplomacy works with him is precisely because he could use violence to get his way? This is why most moids would listen to him and calm down at his bequest. Your bf, by the sounds of things, has great composure and will generally hold himself well. I believe that he resorted to violence in this particular instance because he felt there was genuine threat. Just ask him, he may admit that he only punched that guy because he genuinely suspected they would try jump him. Literally just speak to him about it to understand why he did it. If your suspicions are true, then leave him, otherwise don't.

>>111630
She definitely doesn't deserve him
her first thought was to complain on here rather than communicating.
He sounds top 1% of men.

It is bewildering to me how men make such bad decisions for their gfs

>>111631
Do you realize that we just need to swap the pronouns and your post becomes the typical incel rant?

>>111632
>Seething
Yeah I'm right aren't I.
Why wouldn't you just ask him about it.

He sounds fine, it's definitely you that's the issue.

>>111633
I'm not op, sorry. But again, unless op is lying, he wasn't defending her. Not only did he put her at risk by acting recklessly, the fact that the first thing he did after the incident was to pick up the gas can shows she wasn't his priority. If he were a knight, shouldn't he have checked on her and get her home immediately in case they come back with guns or something?

>>111634
You're filling in a lot of gaps in this story

Based on the written story he doesn't sound violent at all. She's clearly said that he usually avoids confrontation.
If she's already thinking about breaking up then it's already over.

Probably for the best so a more deserving girl can love him.

>>111628
Yes the violently threatening junkie thief was surely all bluster and would have immediately left once he knew the boyfriend was a pushover. Unpredictable meth addicts are known for their mercy and they certainly wouldn't have mugged and assaulted them once they showed they were easy prey. The boyfriend definitely should have waited until AFTER the screaming junkie pulled a weapon to act.

>he failed at that by going "ooga booga"
From the description he was totally calm until the ranting thug showed he was going to escalate and proceeded to knock him out in under a few seconds before the backup could even react. That's not escalation, that's ending a fist fight before it graduates to a murder. Nona clearly only has second-hand experience with fights between men and can't judge when they're going to turn violent because she's been spoiled by her boyfriend being so good at disarming confrontations.

>>111634
>he wasn't defending her
Sounds like she wasn't in any danger to begin with, the thug had to be carried away by his friend and they immediately left. You make no sense. Did you want him to just get on his knees and let them take whatever they wanted from him and do whatever they wanted to his girlfriend because they MIGHT have a weapon?

>>111636
Baste Nona

>>111636
>Did you want him to just get on his knees
Safest course of action would have been to tell op to go home first so she's not in any risk whatsoever. After that, tell them to fuck off before he calls the cop. All in all, a man willing to risk his life for a fucking gas can doesn't sound like catch to me.

>>111593
Even though it's always best to avoid violence and to try to deescalate, you and everyone else who agrees with you ITT is retarded and clearly grew up coddled and sheltered lmao

>>111638
>he might have a gun and will murder you
>he fears police and will let you call them
>believing these two things simultaneously

>Safest course of action would have been to tell op to go home first
"Just hop in the car and leave me without a way of escaping in case his friend does decide to come back with a gun. Sure, we could both leave and avoid being shot entirely, but that would stress you out for a further 20 seconds and so I must now die for your comfort."

Nonas, how do you start a conversation with a moid without sounding so desperate? I've been wanting to talk to this guy I haven't talked to for like 2 weeks and I'm scared that he might forget about me kek. I feel like even saying "hi" would make me look like a desperate whore.

>>112219
literally the worst thing he can do is say no, shoot your shot anona

>>112219
As with any lie, you have to believe it yourself. Great actors don't succeed in their acts by trying to pretend, they do so by immersing themselves in the character they're playing. Successful liars rarely manage if they're concoting a story on the fly (unless you're a 150IQ autistic savant psychopath), the best course of action is to accept what you're going to say as truth and base your understanding around it, and then telling that "truth" will become much easier and more convenient.

So what works for me to avoid sounding desperate, is to just gaslight myself into not wanting anything more than a casual chat. If you go into it with that mindset, it'll be much easier to actually BE casual than if you go in with the mindset of "omg omg I really hope I don't scare him away I really want a chance to get closer to him!" and try to autistically self-censor. It won't work.

Among other things, if you go into it just wanting casual contact, then you'll stop being afraid of saying "hi" because there's nothing desperate about saying "hi" to start a casual chat.

And later once you've talked more you can start trying to get closer again properly, to show actual interest - once you're already moe comfortable with chatting to him.

>>112219
If someone hasn't messaged me in 2 weeks particularly if it's a reply to something, I usually assume it's a ghost and move on.
Same if they reschedule or ask to do something in 2 weeks, it's usually a sign that they're not interested so I consider that a rejection.

>>112251
kek I knew someone would say this

>>112270
Okay
Generally that's how people act. If you already know this then just message them?

>>112270
you're doing great

What do you think about going back to your old job? I quit my job last November and been thinking about going back because I haven't been able to find a new job :( they'll probably laugh at me for crawling back in kek

>>112470
Why did you leave?

>>112474
depression

>>112470
>>112545
Idk doesn't sound like you went out in a way that burned bridges. So it's probably fine. Just say you had to leave to work out some personal issues or something if you don't want to go into detail. Your reason is pretty valid. I can see how it's uncomfortable though.

>>112470
You can take the L safely and trust that it's when you're employed when other offers start coming so it makes sense to go back for a bit

I want to find a friend. But each time the communication is one-sided: the girl is passive. What am I doing wrong? I am kind and try to help, I give gifts. There are common interests. How do I come to terms with the fact that I won't find a friend with a Vibe similar to me in order to understand each other perfectly?

>>68875
talking to someone is devaluing?