/rock bottom/ - general Anonymous 76609
This thread is for people who have hit rock bottom. Not people who are having a bad day, but people who are living in the depths of despair. Whether you're a nona who is struggling with serious addiction, mental or physical illness that severely precludes your life, constantly feeling suicidal, whether you're being abused, have any other serious life issues or if you are simply unable to function and don't know where else to turn, vent here and let's try to support each other.
My whole life for the past decade has been LDARing all day. I dont even know how to try to get better anymore.
I feel this I haven't hit a decade, but I'll certainly get there eventually. I feel hopelessly lost and confused. One minute I have it figured out the next complete turmoil. I just kind of gave up trying to justify everything. Now I just exist. Maybe that's for the best though?
My issue is that I despise and distrust most people due to multiple negative and traumatic experiences involving others in life and so have zero motivation to integrate into society or form relationships with them. I can count on one hand the number of times other humans treated me with kindness or respect.
There's nothing wrong with just existing. It's only a problem if you have goals but can't achieve them due to executive dysfunction.
Cool, a thread for me. I've been in the dark for 15 years, turning 30 in two years and i struggled all my fucking life and always thought life would get a bit better. I don't know about you all, but it never did for me lol.
I have no family, my mother died when i was 8, my father doesn't care about me and was abusive when i was a teen, no siblings, no friends, no romantic relationship because i've been so neglected all my childhood that i don't know how to correctly love and bound with someone, especially men because i'm afraid of them, i'm a ball of rage, always angry and suspicious, i drive people mad when they get too close because i'm so unstable. My teenage years were nightmarish, i've lived through so much shit it would be too long to even write. My early twenties were spent trying to fix my broken self of all those years of abuse and neglect, only to be fucked over again last year by a man i had known for 10 years and trusted slightly. He took my virginity, it's not like it was a rape but he was insistent with trying despite knowing all my issues with trusting people, how sex repulsed i was, etc. Then he left me because he ""realized"" i have too much mental baggage and it's too much to handle. Sometimes i think about what i've done with him and i have shivers and cry. It feels like my virginity was the only thing i had left that wasn't broken by people, and now i don't even have that anymore.
Honestly, my clown ass deserved it. Why did i thought someone would love me and why didn't i just say no? Shit, most of the time my apartment looks like OP's pic because i don't have the energy to clean. Sometimes i drop something on the floor and it stays there for a whole week lmao. My only joy is my two cats but they will die one day, this life sucks. Why do they have to die?
I think i'll suicide at 30, i know deep in my heart that suicide will be the way to go for me. No one will mourn me, not even my cats because they don't care that much (regardless of that i love them deeply)
Stay for your cats. I'm 28 myself and have had a similar life to you. My cat has been the one shining aspect of my life. What will happen to them if you go? No one will care for them, nobody really cares that much about cats. When I was homeless and thought I should give her up since I couldn't bring her down this road with me. Realizing humane societies put down animals left and right, it would've been a terrible fate. I never would of forgave myself if I let my cat be killed for my bad decisions. So I did what I could to get my life together in some semblance of a way.
They may not "care" about you in the same way a connection with another human can care, but they've become your responsibility. I believe, you owe them that much.
could you be on the spectrum anon?>>76700
i'm sorry to say anon but this was rape. consent is agreeing enthusiastically, not agreeing because you feel pressured to do it or because you didn't explicitly say no
please report him and get some therapy to talk through what happened
it just feels like there's nothing left now
I'm unable to feel motivated to do anything unless it's something I'm really interested in
like I'm an online uni student for computer science and I copy all my code from other peoples github to get through my classes, I'm almost done my degree but I won't be able to get a job in the field since I've been copying code and haven't learned anything
I think this has something to do with my autism and hyperfocusing on certain things but not being able to care about stuff that isn't one of my "obsessions"
when it comes to my interests, stuff like art, learning languages, baking, growing plants, jfashion I can feel motivated for but I won't be able to pay the bills doing that since I'm not highly skilled enough to take art commissions, be a translator, or open my own pastry shop or plant shop etc
my mom is kicking me out and cutting me off financially once I get my degree in a year so I need to find something I can do to support myself that isn't minimum wage dronework… what to do… sorry I know I may not be as bad off as some nonas in this thread but I feel like I'm still going nowhere in life regardless and don't have the means to change that
should I force myself to watch a bunch of coding tutorials and get a few simple projects up on my github? what can I even do to turn things around and set myself up for a successful career search in the year I have left before graduating/being kicked out?
Was pretty much in your exact situation a year ago. I got my degree last year but it wasn't until the final year that I really tried learning coding. Just did the bare minimum/copied before then. You would be surprised how much you can learn real quick with just YouTube tutorials and online courses. The problem is if you actually enjoy or at least find it satisfying enough to where doing it for a living wont destroy your soul.
I relate a lot to hyper focusing on your obsessions so motivation to study for stuff outside was super hard for me too, just wanted to go draw instead. Especially since CS can be the driest subject on the planet. Best to start slow if you do wanna really try learning it. Knowing the fundamentals and getting a few projects in will at the very least make you feel a bit more confident and like your actually progressing towards something, so I think its worth a try. I hope you can figure something out, as I know all that is easier said then done. Stuff sucks right now but I really don't miss the stress of uni, its a rough time.
I just figured out that other people are people… I'm 20 I feel so happy rn. I still use people as caricatures but now I don't want to anymore. I'm just lonely.
from the basic code I've written (before I started copying code) I thought it was kinda interesting but I haven't really had enough experience to know whether I want to do that as a full time career
ideally I'd be able to combine writing code with my interest in art and maybe be a game dev or something so I'd be able to do both in my career
from your post it seems you basically taught yourself code with youtube and other online resources - did you get a job after graduation this way? did you have a portfolio or just study coding interview problems until you were able to ace them?
it makes me feel a bit better at least knowing you're similar to me and were still able to learn code so thanks for giving me some hope for the future
I've only had this job for 6 months and it's already ruining my body. My hands, knees and back have pervious injuries that are getting exasperated ie. Tigger finger in my right ring finger and both my pinky and ring finger on my left hand, my left rhomboid is reckt and my sciatica is chronic, my knee braces are no longer keeping my knees from buckling. The hours are ridiculous, the work is tedious and the pay is the lowest it can get in this field (thanks temp agencies).
The cat I raised from 3 weeks old and loved relentlessly died tragically and suddenly and it's at least partially my fault. With the constant shifting in the weather, I can't even keep the fucking flowers on his grave/memorial alive and it's breaking my heart.
Finally put things into motion to meet my ldr partner and I'm probably the most excited and stressed out I've been in very very long time. I love them and I would give everything I own just to see and feel them. Even just to breath the same air they are. But I can't shake the feeling that things are going to fall apart before it happens or even worse; The first time we're together will also be the last time.
I'm so physically and mentally exhausted. I'm just so tired of being tired and I don't even have the benefit of blaming it on alcoholism anymore. The prospect of getting a Saturday off is exciting for me and that just makes me hate my life even more. Honestly at this point I really want nothing more than to just not be anymore but the idea of breaking the promises I've made makes that feel like a non-option. It's been taking an enormous amount of my energy to get up at 4am for work and not just sit down in the ditch behind my house and blow my brains out. And you know what one of the worst parts is? It feels like no one close to me has any idea but then again, how could they? It's hard to tell your loved ones 80% of your waking hours are spent on contemplating the lest intrusive way to kill yourself.
Tldr: Things kinda suck right now i'm just really whinny about it
Well, shit. I'm a CS student and in almost the exact position. I don't feel bad about copying code from classes with bad professors who give unclear or vague instructions anymore, though. I can speak to having had multiple and currently one of these kind of classes this semester. The CS Department at my school doesn't even offer tutoring for it, the graders rarely leave feedback on our work and always take too long to get the grade in, and the expectations are so unclear on some questions that they basically have all of us going "Wtf do we do here? lmao". Furthermore, the material isn't even one you know where to find other sources for teaching yourself it anymore, because it's too specific and your shitty professor decided to teach it completely off-the-book.
In those cases, you're really not left much other choice.
On the other hand, I feel like it has made me more addicted to cheating because I have now done it for classes with great professors with great teaching. Especially in moments of desperation, where I've freaked out about whether I'm going to pass the class or not. To be fair, I would still usually try to go tutoring and the professor to ask for help in those classes. But I could still pretty much never understand any of their explanations, either. Not sure if they just tend to be bad at explaining or if I'm just that dumb. If it's the former, well that reaffirms my opinion it's nothing to feel bad about because that is literally the system failing you.
>when it comes to my interests, stuff like art, learning languages, baking, growing plants, jfashion I can feel motivated for but I won't be able to pay the bills doing that since I'm not highly skilled enough to take art commissions, be a translator, or open my own pastry shop or plant shop etc.
Don't feel bad if you have to leave your true passions as hobbies. Passion is overrated in work. Very few people have the privilege of having their passion as their job and they're not always better off for it, either (Think the gaming industry and the cutthroat nature of the entertainment industry, for example.) On the bright side, you're going to have higher standards of leaving "work at work" and more highly prioritize work-life balance, while people working their passion woud leave themselves more vulnerable to being exploited. It's important to understand, at the end of the day, a job is a job and that you should have a life outside of that job.
You'll also be able to see the viability of some of these industries more objectively. I'm also learning a foreign language and am in love with translating, but when I see things like this:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeByuOD8k1c
It does not spell well for the future of a career in translation. Technology may soon render the way we learn foreign language useless, anyway. You'd be taking a huge risk going into a field that may very well be completely automated in the next several years.
I'm more or less like you except that I'm still a virgin at 27.
I have severe executive dysfunction, agoraphobia and learned helplessness. I'm alive but I've never lived. I'm human but I don't feel like a person.
feels like ive been backed into a corner for a while now. i started dating this guy and we have been dating for over a year now. we moved in together at the beginning of this year and its been a struggle. i moved like a thousand miles to be with him and now im fucked because i dont think this relationship is going to last. we still have six months on our lease. we already "broke up" one time but he convinced me to stay. he is getting better but im not attracted to him anymore. we dont even really have the same goals for a year or two from now. i dont really feel safe or stable enough to just break it off while we still live together because the last time i tried he blew up on me and it was scary. my friends were all kinda disappointed that i got back together with him.
on top of that the job im working right now sucks and im trying to get a new job that pays a lot more, but its also in a field that im not super passionate about. it will give me more free time though so im going to take it. now im just in this weird limbo though where i work, eat, and sleep over and over again and feel like im wasting my time. recently the only thing thats been keeping me afloat is rewatching a stupid anime im obsessed with and reading fanfiction to distract me from it all. what i really wanna do is go back home and learn more about my culture but im too autistic to speak up and say anything. i dont have the money to just move right away either. for the first time in over a year im feeling a tad suicidal again. i cant kill myself though because there are things i still have to do. sigh. i dont know if ill ever be able to have a normal job or normal life because im so drained all the time and never have any spare energy for things outside of my obsessions like another miner said. i just want to watch my anime over and over again and rot.
Dropped out. No idea whether I will manage to get a note to excuse it or not, this might be it for me. Anxiety is eating me alive and ruining my life. I would take back my miserable, depressed state back in a heartbeat if it meant no more anxiety. I would take back bulimia. I can't fucking deal with this, and the worst part is that there isn't a single person I can talk to when I feel myself spiralling. Before I start crying hysterically and hurting myself. I have tried reaching out to a 'friend' of mine, who has rejected me every time I asked her if we could go for a short walk, just so I can feel better. This is someone I have supported for nearly a decade. She can't even make time for a fucking walk. Too busy having fun with her new friends. My family is just irritated by my presence. I can't talk to my mother, even when she questions me because she is seeing me deteriorate before her own eyes. I just want some rest.
anon you seem very self aware which can help you recover from these things
ayrt yeah the cs classes at my uni are basically self taught and when they grade code they only tell you what you did wrong without giving examples of how to do it right so even if I were to do the assignments myself I feel I wouldn't be learning much
you make some good points about keeping hobbies separate from work, I suppose if I did monetize my hobbies/interests it might make me burnt out and then I'd lose passion for something I enjoyed
I'll just have to buckle down and teach myself coding in the last year I have left before graduation and hope for the best
Extremely late reply but if your still interested I can answer some of that. I did manage to get a job after graduation. It depends on the place you end up interviewing for. Obviously it's gonna be different depending on where you are but I was lucky to not have to deal with any of those giant brain interview problem questions you see talked about all the time online (Thank god). It couldn't hurt to study some of those but don't stress too much about those yet if your gonna start learning fundamentals, one thing at a time. Would recommend keeping a GitHub of some stuff you make and if your course has the option of a independent final project you make like mine did that can be good to set you apart a bit and show skills unique to what is expected of the course. I wish I could give more job hunt advice but honestly it can feel like there's so much luck involved and it depends where you live and what your applying for.
I know that's probably not super helpful. But some of the people don't even know basic stuff at my job its actually hilarious. I've suffered from crazy imposter syndrome at times from programming but you really don't need to be a lifelong stem prodigy or whatever. From your original post you talked about how your passionate about learning art and languages. Those take a lot of sustained effort so your probably good at learning when your in the right mindset. Gamedev can be a lot of fun too so if your interested in that it might be a good way to learn. But your probably still restricted to what you need to know for your course for a bit.
I’m literally all you mentioned in your post in one person, addiction, currently being abused for fun by family, failing uni and struggle with a fried fucked up brain that doesn’t let me enjoy life or concentrate. Only thing keeping me right now is my love for drawing and my sister. Otherwise my suicide kit is ready for when and if the dark thoughts become too much. I might do it if nothing works after 25
Depressed and suffer chronic pain. I lost my job and couldn't afford pain management. I had sex for money and I might have to do it again. I just want to go home.
I failed nursing school again recently and explaining it to my immigrant parents is a death sentence among itself. I'm in my 20's with no degrees, no driver's license and absolutely nothing of worth to my name. I tried to OD a few days ago and I couldn't even succeed at killing myself. I'm just exhausted and want out, I have no initiative for anything and my older siblings who are more put together keep berating me for everything I do. I know I developed a horrible inferiority complex. Its grad season and seeing all these college grads with their little 1st gen stashes makes me wish I could reach into the screen and choke them.
I'm in my 30s and also can't drive. Feels bad.
Is there some other certification program you can try? What about working at a pharmacy and getting licensed?
Also in my 30s and can't drive but feels good. I don't have to worry about wasting a bunch of money to maintain a vehicle. I can easily uber, bus, or walk wherever.
you deserve everything good in the world
no worries and I appreciate you taking the time to write all this it really is helpful
yeah my course has one big final project as the last 2 classes and that's really the only school related assignment I can put on my github
seems like focusing on my portfolio rather than on the interview problems is better cuz I'll be learning that stuff as I build a portfolio anyways
I live in US but I don't care about relocating to another country as long as I have a good paying job, I was planning on looking online at places hiring for entry level positions and sending out as many applications as I can until I start hearing back - some people on tech forms were saying they put in over 100 apps before being able to find something so that's gonna suck if true
that makes me feel a lot better honestly if idiots who don't know the basics can get a job I should be able to also
and yeah if I'm interested in something I learn it quickly and in depth too so I hope coding clicks for me and I get super interested in it
Happy If I could help a bit. Hope things work out for you one way or another.
>neet since high school was finished with me
>no higher education or even a GED
>actually made an honest attempt at trying to find myself a job in 2017
>went to my first walk in appointment and was hired on the spot
>fate had it there was a person already working there that knew me
>went through a lot between end of high school up to that point, didn't want it to be for nothing only to end up around the same people
>quit before I even had my first day
>always feel like I can never get a leg up especially since family are most obese / retarded while the only average weight person
>always buy me ridiculously useless snacks and not actually healthy food (they obviously have money to buy these things, why not buy orange juice or something worthwhile and not soda or chocolate milk)
I've been dreaming since 2015 about moving out and finally being healthy but I'll never have these past 8 years of my life back
If somebody gave me the choice of 10 million dollars or wake up tomorrow and be peak health, I'd choose the latter without hesitation.
>>78013>didn't want it to be for nothing only to end up around the same people>quit before I even had my first day
Can you elaborate? Why is that a reason to quit? Genuinely confused, not trying to be mean
partly what caused my becoming a hikikomori took having to leave a group of people from high school ( that I no longer wanted to be associated with anymore. I was undergoing a difficult transitional period in my life at the time (I was already 2 years in by this point.)
I wanted to turn a new page and start fresh I guess, only to see this person and it completely ruining the hope I had for this job in improving my life.
Did you not ever want to try getting a job again?
I've thought about it, I really would have liked to have do this all those years ago… I think I still would if I'm not incompetently beyond hope but I really don't like being seen by anybody in this house. If I were whisked away somewhere new and they couldn't follow or know where I am I'd feel like I could start all over again and things would be new enough for me to try
Been experiencing health issues back to back
At the start of January I pulled something in my chest then gave myself anxiety worrying about what it was.
Google said it'd go away in a month and it did lol but that month still sucked. At the time I would have said that was horrible but I wish that's what I was dealing with now.
Then I got my first uti, I had never had one before so I didn't get meds until two weeks had passed. I just googled "how to pee less at night" and saw one of the suggestions was drink less water three hours before bed. So I pretty much did the worst possible thing for a uti before I finally got my antibiotics.
Then those antibiotics gave me horrible chest pains to the point that I went to the hospital because I thought something was wrong with me. I got home fine and stopped taking them.
Then I got fucking corona and that shit was the sickest I've ever been it was just like nothing I've had before my throat hurt so much I almost puked a few times. The fever haze was the worst part but at least it was only a week.
Then my uti symptoms came back so this time I actually did the smart thing and went crazy drinking water, I went back to my doctor a few days later got my urine tested and no uti. I had also found a lump in my boob so my doctor had me referred to an ultrasound place so then I had had another thing to agonize over and while I was there she gave me my ultrasound results and the place had recommended surgery. God I got up and went to the bathroom my eyes watered for a second but immediately the power of "god whatever" took over me and I walked back but at least I didn't have a uti right :'D
I got an appointment for my surgery it was a benign cyst but the ultrasound results had described it as "abnormal" and my grandma and great grandmother had both gotten breast cancer so I was still worried.
My symptoms didn't get better, I already knew I didn't have an infection but I still had frequent urination and had a pain start in my side and lower back. It got worse and I went to the hospital again and it took them like 3 hours to finally see me. Corona rules so no visitors with the patient so I was writhing crying for my mother. With what I told the doctor he told me he thinks it's probably a kidney stone. When he finally saw me the pain had started to leave so they gave me a tylenol that I put in my pocket and lost. At this point it was February.
I met with my surgeon the day it was supposed to happen and she checked my breast lump herself and said she thinks it's just a benign cyst that didn't really need to get removed but to come back if I noticed any changes otherwise we'd just have another ultrasound in June. Eventually I did notice a difference, before I had to look for it and now I could feel it pretty fast by just leaning back a bit so I went back, and again she said it felt the same but she could schedule a biopsy if that would give me peace of mind. And I'm an anxious person so I said yes. Again cue the what if what if it's cancer :((( anxiety worry then the worry about the process itself the lead up to the surgery I was initially going for made me anxious and now the lead up to the biopsy made me anxious but less so too.
I got it done and honestly it was a really good experience because all the doctors and staff were women since breast exams are mostly what they did there. Had to chill my left arm for a few days but it was fine and the results were yeah benign, grateful that's one less thing I have to worry about for now.
At this point I was still doing my self waterboarding to try and make things easier for myself and it did help and that continued for a while.
I started seeing a counselor that would help me get myself together to go to school and get diagnosed so I could get adhd meds. This eventually was another goose chase because I was 19 and too old for a formal formal diagnosis from the doctor they had hired for some reason. Then I started looking for a doctor that could do that and got a reference to somewhere that again I was too old for. Then my counselor left and I was reassigned to someone else who told me my initial treatment plan, a short zoom meeting I had at the start of joining them counted as a diagnosis itself so I could get meds soon. Got a call recently that she also wasn't with them anymore lol but I explained that to the person I spoke to and he said he'd get back to me with a med appointment soon.
I haven't slept through a night in 5 months because of my dumbass kidney/ bladder making me go to the bathroom constantly
I was finally going to start school I was writing my shitty resume after two years of being a neet.
I'm not having to wake up to go every 20 minutes like I was at the start more like once every hour and a half but if this is all the progress I've made in 5 months god I feel hopeless
My full-time job was making myself sick with water for SOME relief my best night was only having to get up 3 times
Just pure despair lmao all this shit together brought my middle school anxiety and disassociation back such a horrible feeling thinking I was finally past the worst part of my teenage years then having to breathe into my shirt in my own house to try to calm down. I started getting fevers and feeling out of it for like a week and that peaked with me going to the hospital again where it went away because I had taken 1200mg of ibuprofen. I also explained my piss situation they did another urine test again no infection, I explained all my uti history and whatever to two nurses a doctor then another doctor that was just kinda confused because again blood and urine came back fine he kinda dismissed me and that made me cry to my mom I just wanted an answer to what was wrong or when I'd feel better. After that I actually bought a thermometer per doctor's suggestion and when I started feeling feverish again I checked my temperature and it wasn't over 100. I did this for a few times when I felt sick and it never went past 98. My anxiety and retard brain had literally manifested into what I felt as fevers. Slowly getting past that resurface again, I liked my second counselor she made me do a breathing exercise with her over zoom. Just the 1 2 3 breathe in 1 2 3 breathe out one, literally the simplest thing that everyone knows, I knew it too but just never did it for some reason. That when we're freaking out sometimes our brain just needs oxygen and damn she was right lmao not really getting autism fevers anymore
I recently finally broke down and told my friend just how horrible this had all made me feel and let myself cry on the toilet for 20 seconds. Couldn't tell if that made me feel better at first but it did.
If it is a kidney stone and the symptoms I've had so far the urination and first side pain have lasted this long it means it's fucking huge, I'm getting a kidney ultrasound in a few days if it's not that then i have no idea what's wrong kidney scarring? kidney infection?? I don't know everything is horrible. I just want someone to take care of me or a hug at least
Literally pissing my life away
I'm hiki and it's impossible to leave the house most days. I absolutely hate going outside and interacting with other humans.
Go to places with no humans
Like a park in 4 am
Had an UTI once. Then I went through weeks of pain in my side and pissing every half an hour. Got a blood and urine test but no infection at that time. After that they suspected kidney stones and scheduled an ultrasoud (for next fucking week, and reluctantly because I was apparently missing some key symptom where getting hit in the kidneys with an open palm didn't worsen the pain) but before it happened I ended up in absolute, unbearable agony and ended up having emergency surgery. Turns out I had hydrosalpinx on my fallopian tube from some past infection and a cyst on my ovary. Because of that the fallopian tube got twisted, blood flow got cut off, tube became necrotic and eventually gave me peritonitis.
And then once I had my fallopian tube removed the moid doctor gave me shit for not having kids yet in my mid twenties.
My point is you should probably go see a gynecologist instead just in case.
I would but my area is pretty unsafe at night desu. Sigh.
wanna penpal? i'll drop an e-mail if ya' do
Thanks for the advice anon, the doctor who did my ultrasound recommended a ct scan since she didn't find a stone so optimistically either it passed recently and I'm just experiencing lingering symptoms that'll hopefully get better with time or I have to keep looking for whatever is wrong. I'll try going to the gynecologist first though.
And fuck that moid, men shouldn't be doctors unironically
What the hell am I supposed to do when I have no desire to do anything?
Get stranded in Cuba force yourself to learn the local language and brutality
>work a retail job for three years and live in the same apartment
>best friend and boyfriend live with me
>oh no landlord decides not to renew lease
>best friend won’t talk to me because she read through my messages
>have no way to work anymore so quit
>me and bf move back in with my alcoholic mom
>bf gets better job that is more than both of salaries combined
>haven’t worked for 3 years
>just stay in my room
>stay in bed till I physically can’t hold my bladder
>only leave room to wash my face and brush my teeth
>the only time I leave is for groceries
>too anxious and insecure to talk to people or enjoy going into public
>don’t have any friends or colleagues anymore
>bf belittles me and mocks me for being severely depressed, which just makes me hate myself more
>when I get upset he just tells me I can’t take criticism.
>miss my best friend because she would make sure he wouldn’t gaslight and it was the only time I felt like someone actually loved me
>just waiting for my dogs to die so I can finally kill myself
What messages did she read that were so bad she decided to stop talking to you?
I feel bad for your bf honestly. Doing all the work to pay the bills while your s/o rots in bed doing nothing sounds fucking awful.
Don’t date someone with a mental illness then.
That's what men are supposed to do, dumdum.
I wouldn't. I'd break up with that anon lmao.>>78911
One party literally contributing nothing and being a financial leech isn't a healthy relationship.
Plenty of people have single source income houses. There’s literally a couple on Tiktok that got super popular because her boyfriend stays at home while she works. No kids to take care of or anything, she makes enough money to support them both. Usually when someone stays at home they cook and clean and provide other things for the house. Capitalism tricked into thinking everyone should work, even when they don’t have to. Don’t be stupid
Males don’t desire women for financial reasons unless they themselves are bums, and even then, they despise the women subsidizing their living. If he were that bothered and were able to find a girlfriend who contributed more than nona, then he wouldn’t be with her. Please, continue to stick up for males who would gladly watch you burn to ash.
Nona we don't even have a Cuba wear I live.
>>78921>they despise the women subsidizing their living
They don't despise the women they despise themselves for not living up to what they were taught to be. It is emasculating to them. This does not apply to most young men today and they would be very happy for it, especially because it's an improbable novelty. Realistically, they're not going to find a partner that earns more than them much less enough that they they have the option of not working. In more conservative cultures, men feel like failures if their women have to work or pay for anything. Much more inflexible.
You misunderstand. They do not hate themselves. Men are mostly incapable of self-hatred in the way women experience it because it is culturally incongruent with what they believe they should be. If a man is deficient in some way, he won't hate himself; he will hate women for not giving him what he thinks he deserves. In the case of males using women financially, they usually despise them for not being attractive or subservient enough. They don't cheat on their wives because they hate themselves, that sounds like an excuse a moid would make for himself though.
Men are mostly incapable of self-hatred in the way women experience it because it is culturally incongruent with what they believe they should be.
I'm sorry, but this is just retarded. If you actually believe this you have an incredibly warped understanding of the opposite sex.
>>78950>They do not hate themselves. Men are mostly incapable of self-hatred in the way women experience it because it is culturally incongruent with what they believe they should be
you have never once talked to a man, have you?
Finally found a job only for them to “politely” cut me off not firing me properly tho
Like technically I am still employed by them, but not really
This is so stupid
don't, he's saving a ton of money on rent living with his girlfriend's mom. his life could be a lot worse than it is.
Of course I don't talk to men. I'm a femcel.
T. femcel who used to talk to men and only got used and abused
Men love to say "I hate myself" and similar things but when it comes down to it they project all of it onto others and double down into a delusional state where their ego just gets bigger instead. Men who "hate themselves" or are insecure only become more egoistic and entitled. Women are the complete opposite and that anon is right.
I wish i was clueless as you
moid detected. all that proves is that men are more violent and attentionwhores. women suffer in silence because we don't have the audacity to hurt everyone around us just to escape the hell of life as a woman.
hard disagree. in my experience, men are indeed capable of genuinely despising themselves, but often try their best to hide this fact because they are deeply concerned with their image. It's often something of an inferiority complex where because of of their own self-loathing they try harder than usual to project an image of confidence and strength. sometimes this can lead to violent reactions when some fault of theirs is pointed out, because they believe it's true, and the fact that someone has found it out is unbearable for them. to put it into Freudian terms, it's less an issue of the ego going on a rampage so much as the super-ego conflicting with the Id.
>>79057>if you're not super radfem pinkpilled like me you're le MALE and le WRONG!!!
sure smells like ball sweat in here
this thread's just turning into another "i hate moids" general
the mods should just delete the off-topic shit and let people have actual discussion
You are pasting MRA talking points that are irrelevant to the post you're replying to, with no other context, and accusing everyone here of being a radfem because you disagree with them. Of course people are going to think you're a male when you're acting like one.
what can i say, i'm a big fan of magnetic resonance angiography
But anon isn't cooking, cleaning, or being useful in any way. She is lying all bed all day being a leech. The relationship is dead.
>family hate me and avoid me
>zero friends or romantic prospects
>weird unconventional opinions on many things that makes people think I’m weird and even more unpleasant than I already seem once they get to know me (can’t help it, it’s the tism)
>no higher education or qualifications
>poor as fuck
>born in a country full of evil abusive sexist men
>have a bunch of weird obscure things wrong with me that make it impossible to be normal
I’m not even an active participant in my life anymore, I just observe it and wonder why the fuck I was born
>dont have friends
But i get what you mean get friends locally online facebook or meetup try these platforms
I'm having trouble believing that things will be ok for me. I am mid functioning autistic, have facial psoriasis, am balding, have a lazy eye, etc. I do my best to spend my time doing hobbies and stuff that might fulfill me, but I am so lonely. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for what I can do to improve even a little bit? I tried wigs once but I hated how they felt on my head and it also felt a little bit like lying. My hairloss is severe though, and the psoriasis does not relent, I have giant patches on my face all the time. For so long I have internalized that women are only prized for their looks and it is making me bitter. I just want a friend or someone who might not be disgusted by me.
I have uncurable cystic acne all over my face, constantly, so I understand that part.. do you think blunt bangs could hide the receding hairline?
Why not make some e-friends nona? They can't dislike your looks if they can't see your face.
for some people (me) even making friends online is hard (impossible).
feel in a period of mourning that will never end. i see people in the same position of me kill themselves constantly. when i feel like i've started to stable myself the rug is pulled out from under me again and again and i dont know how much longer i can keep up with it. i cant have a normal life and my ability to have a fulfilling one is extremely low and there's just nothing to do at this point lol, very tired..
Nona, reading your reply made me feel less alone, i don't know anything to help you but i'm having similar problems, i have a disorder that there's no cure for and i have no hope of having a normal life too, you were kinda vague with what you said but i hope you can get through this somehow.
i literally have not washed my hair in a month and counting. not that i haven't done that before. my entire house might as well be carpeted with all the stray ones i've been shedding everywhere that i don't bother to pick up, and i'm too sad to clean the stains my cats left before they died because in a sense i want to hoard whatever i have left of them. i have ZERO social interactions. i haven't made even an online friend in close to a decade because i don't know how, and even when the offer is made to me on anonymous forums likw these i refuse because i know i won't be a good one anyway. my fear of men and people in general is affecting my health and i can't even speak to anyone without visibly turning pale to the point where people make remarks. i only really showered because i got a somewhat painful infection otherwise i probably wouldn't have. i don't really care about having been in a relationship or anything alluding to it because the thought alone has always freaked me out in the sense of how unfit for that i am, which people made sure to let me know, but it doesn't bother me that i am moreso the possibility of ever being desired. i don't want that to ever happen to me. i don't want people to see me look at me or think of me like that
Posts like these make me wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug and help you somehow even if it would freak you out to have someone touch you.
Do you have any mental illnesses? The fact that you can self reflect in this way is good, it shows you're not completely braindead even if you likely spend a lot of time doing mindless activities.
Not sure what to say but I just hate these type of stories, I wish I could help people like this.
I turn 30 next week & I've been NEETing and living with family since I dropped out of school.
I've been applying to jobs & have had a few interviews but no luck in actually getting employed.
I have bad social skills & hygiene that I know I really need to fix but I can't really bother to put the effort in as I don't actually have friends irl or go anywhere.
I have no idea if it makes any substanial difference but last time I was job-hunting I did my makeup and dressed up a bit for the interview. I ended up getting two offers.
work in an it department or a remote admin role. If you can competantly use an image board you could suitably work an entry level admin job. If you ask a family member with a business to be your reference you don't even have to tell them you are or were a NEET.
Not who you were replying to but this is one of the most comforting things I have read or heard in a very long time. I don't really know why but these words soothed me. Thank you.
You know you have to look for another job right? Your cat or your ldr partner (if things end up in disappointment) are things you will have to manage emotionally with time and patience. But there's not much you can do about it for now. What seems to be destroying you is your job. Literally destroying you. Start looking for a way out. With a healthier lifestyle it will be easier to tackle your other challenges.
Are you applying for minimum wage jobs or jobs that acquire skills/degree?
I regret not giving up sooner, everything i do to improve my life amounts to nothing, all i look forward to now is consuming media until i can't anymore, so i can finally get the courage to kill myself.
I wish I could end my life holding the hand of a kind euthanasia nurse instead of spending my last moments alone in mental anguish having to work through my aversion to active self-harm as a living organism.
>be 22 year old me from a thirdie shithole
>stuck in a degree i hate but with good employment prospects
>intern with a startup in a major European capital
>work is exploitative and with not much upskilling opportunities but whatever
>at least im not stuck doing research for chump change right (cope.exe)
>start forming a real life with real hobbies and a friend network
>get in a relationship (femcel mode off)
>shit implodes in august, break up, conclude relatively fruitless internship with no word written for the thesis
>go home for thesis presentation and passport renewal
>procrastinate on looking for jobs because have no idea if i want to continue down that field or no
I manage to get myself in this situation every couple if years with is hysterical in a macabre sort of way. I am my own bane. I should be held against a wall and decapitated.
The horrors of Gender Dysphoria and Gender Identity Disorder are severely overlooked. Most people who claim to be troons don't have it, and most GC women either don't have it, or blame it on external factors, or even claim to have it, but fake it all along. Not that all of any of those groups do that, but it's extremely frustrating when you explain it to someone who doesn't get it and claim they had it worse. Thus, I decided to vent here since any other place or person would be horrible about it.
Imagine, since the day you were born, from your earliest memories, feeling like something was deeply wrong with your body, feeling like it was more of a prison, than you.
Imagine you're around 5 or 6, starting school, and everyone thinks you're male, because you had your hair cut against your will into the ugliest fucking thing imaginable. You liked it, but hated the bullying so much you vowed not to cut it again, making your health fail worse in a vain attempt to make them start.
Imagine hitting puberty at 8, growing noticible breasts, wearing an A cup, and feeling violently repulsed by your body, attempting to rip or cut off your breasts and beating up anyone who dares mention them, getting medicated for a mix of nosediving mental health, self harm, harm of others, and severe phobias of plants and germs that in turn, make the self harm worse.
Imagine this cycle continuing for several years, the medication getting stronger snd stronger, the therapy getting intensive, the bullying never stopping, and now people are insisting you're a woman when your brain is telling you to put them in their place for insisting that, but your body being physically unable to react due to the antipsychotics.
Imagine being 16, imagine finally getting diagnosed with GID. Imagine finally figuring out what was wrong with you and feeling confident enough to tell the world how you want to be referred to, only to have social anxiety so severe you refuse to mention the "T" word.
Imagine being prescribed birth control for your agonizing cramps that put you in bed for 7 days, sometimes far longer, often yelling and screaming from the pain, that you've been having from the age of 10, that made you consider grabbing a knife and giving yourself a hysterectomy while awake just to make it stop, and to make you feel "male." Imagine the birth control stopping the cramps, but making your breasts grow larger, and you so much more psychologically anguished that you attempt to commit a murder suicide over it, and the gynecologist, who never saw you in person due to COVID, laughs you off and calls you a liar. So you dump the medication, and miraculously feel better.
Imagine a pipe bursting under your apartment, a flood ensuing, and mold inhalation giving you permanent brain and lung damage. Imagine losing your home two months after turning 17, HRT being in sight, and losing it all. It was a miracle I did not relapse into self harm. Yet.
Imagine being forced to move in with an abusive grandmother who forbids you from eating so long as she is awake, constantly tries to pray the gay (as in lesbian) & troon away, tries to sign you up for conversion therapy behind you and your parents' back, threatening you day in and day out, and risking being thrown out if you sought medical treatment for your GID.
Imagine getting thrown out after being 18, finding your temporary room completely fucking trashed with all your shit thrown everywhere, your grandmother screeching about shit you can't understand, getting physically assaulted by your grandfather, as well as your physically disabled mother who stood in his way, calling 911 and getting laughed off and called a liar by the cops because your grandfather was a navy veteran.
Imagine temporarily staying in a beautiful, albeit crime ridden area, and someone who you trust falling into meth addiction and sexually harassing you while cheating on your older sister for months beforehand. Imagine not being allowed to mention it for months afterwards. Imagine later moving in with your good grandma (or nanna) and having the best time of your life, only for that to be the last time you ever saw her.
Imagine moving to another state, imagine not having any medical care in that state for seven months, and when a PCP finally gets to you, he's very ignorant of your suffering, and downright insulting most of the time, he keeps "trying" to find you a doctor specializing in troon care, so you can finally stop suffering, only for the doctors he finds to, every time, say they don't like/hate trannies, or that that's "not their specialty," at least the latter is polite.
Now, age 20, I am suffering every day of my life. I constantly want to kill myself because the body I am in isn't my own, it isn't what it's supposed to be, I have vague memories of a male body, and my brain expects said male body, spasming every time it sees itself naked, you constantly having the urge to cut yourself open while awake just to lessen the pain, just to make your body feel aligned with it's mental map, constantly hurting yourself or others when called a woman, unless you're masking your identity. Constantly feeling like if you can't get HRT, and all of its effects good and bad, and soon, you're going to kill yourself in a particularly gory fashion, just to make it stop. Just to make it tolerable. Imagine your lack of body and facial hair making you violently ill on good days, and suicidal on bad ones. Imagine constantly being one "she" away from a psychotic breakdown, day in, day out. I don't even care if I go bald. Hell, part of me wants it, it'd look cool if I shave regularly.
I know I'll never be male, I just want to look like and be referred to as such. I call myself a "female man" a lot, which doesn't bother me.
I don't mind that I'll always be female, but I want to look, sound like, and be called a man. I want female rights, but I also feel like troons should have their own spaces and protections, without infringing on others.
I'm too edgy and GC for the TRAs, and too TRA-like and actively suffering for the radfems, be they TIRFs or GC feminists.
All I want, all I have ever wanted, from my earliest years, from my earliest memories, was to look, sound like, and be referred to as a man. All I want is to finally stop suffering. I would do anything, if there's any scientific backing for it. As experimental as trooning out is, despite some treatments being nearly 100 years old, it would be better than nothing. I've tried therapy, heavy psychiatric medication, forcing myself to "be a woman," all of it either made it worse, or didn't help the GID specifically.
if its that bad, and no other solution has fixed your mental problem, you might as well consider/give in to becoming a man. have you? its becoming more clear to me, despite being GC, that people with your disorder only get better by transitioning, however rare your condition is. i wouldnt recommend this to anyone who doesnt show clear signs of sex-based BIID like you do such as being born with it, having an incongruent "mental map" (or neurological mapping) as well as suffering severe body sex dysmorphia. i dont believe in gender identity, but to me biological sex comes in three parts: physiopsychological, chromosomal, phenotypical. you may not be chromosomally male, but unlike TIMs, physiopsychologically, testosterone will cause you to switch the only part that causes our brains to be gendered, which is male/female sexuality. and, phenotypically, testosterone will make significant changes in you that will cause you to become partially male.
you should already know the risks: too much testosterone causing a permanent balding hairline, heart problems, hyperthyroidsim, types of testosterone not similar to human biology causing blood clots, keloid scars, infertility, increased reproductive cancer. unless you want to be disabled, dont go near SRS or leg lengthening surgery.
this may get deleted, but its my honest opinion. transition should never be a solution to body dysmorphia, unless it shows this dysmorphia is a symptom of a deep neurological disorder thats BIID. theres enough stories of people with this condition becoming much happier after doing it. youre already at rock bottom and BIID is life long. repressing isnt going to make it go away.
Thank you, anon. I'm glad you at least understand, and thank you for the advice and risk list.
I ate a package of turkey cold cuts will a plastic fork and knife. Didn't even bother cooking it either. Just drizzled old fast food ketchup packets on top for extra flavor.
is this ur rock bottom. thats me everyday
The man i’ve been in love with for the past year turned out to be a sex offender. I’m struggling with my body image. I feel ugly every single day and compare myself to everyone around me. It’s so draining.
I've been unemployed for 2 and a half years despite having a bachelors. All of my friends are successful and I feel ashamed to talk to them. they kinda laugh and make jokes about me being a neet probably because I kinda used to but it just hurts anons. Today I couldn't play vidya with my friends so I applied for jobs and cried 3 times during the process because nothing ever comes from it. I've applied to so many in my field that are entry level and that I could definitely do but they just ghost or reject me. I'm tired of this.
I'm not rock bottom but it's as if I keep trying to make myself get there all over again. I'm letting my health keep deteriorating because I keep skipping meals and losing so much sleep because of doing shit like staying up late playing video games. Now I feel too ill to even go to school so I skipped a whole day's worth of classes.
Fuck I'm only 18 and I can't keep going anymore, nothing plays in my favor when I want it to. I eat like shit, sleep like shit, look like shit, smell like shit and my room is filled with fucking ants somewhere and god knows what other creatures. I'm always on the verge of fucking roping I can't do it anymore I'm sick and tired nothing helps me, meds, professional help, friends, nothing. I' ma lost cause, I can't do the only thing that I want to do properly and I keep fucking it up because I'm a loser. No man wants me because when I show my true self they run away. I'm abusive towards my surroundings because I'm hurt myself, I lash out at anyone who goes next to my personal space because I feel unsafe around people, yet no matter how much I try to fix myself I can't do anything because I spiral back to my old habits of being a sack of shit. I've been around the worst people online and let them raise me. I can't do anything properly, how did I get into this situation anyway? where did I go so wrong?. I'm legit hanging by a thread right now, I want to believe that there is something out there for me but the more days I wake up the more the hope just weakens. what the fuck do I do at this point.
Don't feel bad for skipping a day of classes, but try to do your best the next day! Allow yourself to eat a good breakfast at least, if you can't help but skipping meals the rest of the day. And I know that it will sound stupid, but don't forget to drink water. You got this.>>100083
Don't lose hope yet, you're young, things can get better for you but you'll have to work on it. What's the thing you're passionate about and you say you're not good at? Where do you find comfort currently? The internet?>No man wants me because when I show my true self they run away.
Be glad you aren't trapped by a man, if you are in a bad place, the last thing you need is a man fucking you up even further. I know how it feels to desire intimacy but you need to recover before that.>I lash out at anyone who goes next to my personal space because I feel unsafe around people
If your situation at home is difficult, you need to find ways to unwind and coping mechanisms. If things are awfully bad you'll have to leave.> I've been around the worst people online and let them raise me.
Big mistake.> what the fuck do I do at this point.
If you're willing to try, I'd suggest starting a self-improvement routine. Start from the bare minimum: shower daily and wear clean clothes. Then you can aim for bigger goals.
I really hope this reply doesn't sound too patronising. I was in your shoes 5 years ago and things are far from perfect but I'm proud of what I've achieved in many aspects. Don't spend the night on the computer, try to sleep 7-8 hours. Good night, anon. Perhaps we'll meet tomorrow again.
Thank you nona. I did try to make it a productive day regardless!
> Allow yourself to eat a good breakfast at least, if you can't help but skipping meals the rest of the day.
It started with skipping breakfast, now I've progressed to skipping lunch and even dinner sometimes..because I can't be assed to make anything even after buying a bunch of cooking tools and ingredients (that now just ended up sitting in my freezer, probably getting freezer-burnt..). I subsist off of premade meals but now I feel like I can't even be assed to get dressed and go outside just to buy that.
Skipping breakfast does make me feel the worst though. It practically guarantees I will have no energy for the rest of the day. I feel like it is the annoying meal of the day and seeing so many others skip it without feeling bad I think I could do it too, but I guess not.
You're so sweet nona, thanks so much, I will try my best, I was thinking of hitting the gym this summer hopefully ^_^
>the last thing you need is a man fucking you up even further.
and yeah, you're right about this one. but there is this huge expectation of me to get a partner and it really sucks but I'll manage through it like I did so far!
It really is the most important meal of the day, although I know a lot of people to skip it as well and seem to be fine, sadly I'm not one of them. I understand your habits in the kitchen and since I'm not familiar enough with food prepping to recommend it to anyone else maybe it's something worth trying, at least it's a little bit healthir and cheaper than buying individual portions of premade food!>>100109
Thanks #<3 this is the thread for replies with this kind of mindset>>100116
Yes! Working out outdoor can also make wonders, specially around a green area.> but there is this huge expectation of me to get a partner and it really sucks but I'll manage through it like I did so far!
I'm so sorry to hear that, be strong, anon.
I feel like I'm in hell, all alone and barely functioning. I work 12 hours a day on most days (thankfully it's an office work so I'm not physically exhausted after it but mentally very much so). Then I come to my empty place. I still have one friend, she's my best friend but I can't be typing to her all the time cuz I don't wanna overwhelm her, she has so many other friends and is always busy with her art projects. We meet up every couple of months and it's so so special to me it's basically what I live for at this point, but the fact that it's so infrequent kills me. I just got ghosted by my ""boyfriend"" (hasn't spoken to me in two weeks). I basically paid for him to be my bf tbh, we never even had sex or got that intimate. We've been dating for a year and he forgot my bday, he never invited me on a date or gave me a gift. I gave him a bunch of stuff he requested, cooked for him and gave him lunches everyday. It was so nice to care for another person like that and be able to hug someone even if he didn't give a single fuck about me. I feel like I'm at the rock bottom. That's not how I pictured my adulthood. I can't help but blame this on my autism. People get freaked out by me and can't stand me because I'm autistic. I started donating some money I make to a local animal shelter and that helps sometimes, to remember that I have a positive impact on something, but the crushing loneliness is destroying me. My parents both passed away too and I miss them every day. I don't wanna live anymore.
I feel directionless in life, I feel like I am wasted potential and my mistakes in the past render me irredeemable in my eyes. I'm just incapable of living like I'm supposed too and i'm so ashamed, I have everything good too, a loving family and a roof over my head yet i'm such a complete and total fuck up. I'm turning 21 next month and i feel so fucking old, i don't want to get older but in reality its less about me and the fact everyone else is getting older around me, i want to be a kid again, i want to feel safe and feel the sunshine on my skin as i float in the water listening to morning doves sing and play with my friends, i want my view of the world to be innocent again, i want to be innocent again. I want to be someone i can be proud of but i just can't, i just feel old, disgusting, perverted, useless and a complete and utter burden to those around me, while my friends move on without me i sit in my room, stewing in misery. i am nothing and i'm wasting my youth rotting in my room.
>>100083>because when I show my true self they run away
I'm afraid to ask what your true self is…
Yep - hard agree. They often say they hate themselves to garner coddling and sympathy from women - it's just a boring and overdone manipulation tactic. You can tell it's not authentic because of how selfishly they act in relationships - people who genuinely hate themselves try really hard in relationships to compensate for their perceived deficiencies. Someone who hates themselves gets anxious and clingy about being dumped - they don't willingly take on forms of escapism the way moids do.
Ever since I was raped in my early teens I have become obsessed with the concept of virginity and purity, it feels like it has destroyed my life. I will never be pure again, and I think about it from the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep. I feel inferior to every woman in my life, I feel like a disgrace to every man in my life. I just want to be freed from this pain.
ok I had oral sex with my ex boyfriend after because i thought having consensual sex would make be feel clean but it made it fucking worse. either way it's so fucking over
Youre just a human being. Everything else is man made social constructs and programming drilled into you by culture. What matters is your feelings and pov only, you can choose to not feel filthy or not pure anymore. Its all in your head, your rapist isn’t wasting a thought over what happened and neither should you. Be kinder to yourself
Purify your mind and soul, then people will look up to you
No one is going to think poorly of you for what happened if you are a good person, in fact most people will be sympathetic
What happened in the past already happened and can't be changed so it's best to focus on the present and the future
>>100083>No man wants me because when I show my true self they run away.
Let them run away then. What is the "true self" about you that these moids can't cope with?
I'm tired of being gaslighted, shut down, misunderstood and accused of mental illness anytime I express my consciousness. It gives me severe suicidal thoughts. Nobody understands
No offense, but the fact that you admitted that no one understands you means that you probably are mentally ill.
What if no one actually does. Why its so controversial to say that
I WANT FRIENDS I WANT FRIENDS I WANT FRIENDS I WANT FRIENDS
I feel like I'm absolutely done and my situation is beyond repair.
Left my hometown and abusive family at 18 to build a better life. But turns out my college isn't as great as promised (still didn't drop out and will be finishing next year) and I'll never be able to make it in that field with the type of education I'm getting.
I was raped on my 19th birthday and since then everything just spiraled out of control. Had a string of abusive relationships/dates that made me more depressed and hopeless with every cycle of abuse. My last partner actually lived with me for half a year, in my single-bed student dorm. He didn't do shit, never worked, constantly compared me to his ex, but I was happy to have company and someone to hold at night. Now he went back to his ex. I was way to tolerant an naive, probably due to autism, and wasted 2 years on this. I've already been to therapy for 19 years, I'm 23 now and completely hopeless. My mom wants to cut contact with me, too. I tried to hide my struggles from her, but it didn't really work out and she constantly worries about me and seems quite disappointed. I have no one left, spare one friend who is very successful and leaving to another continent next week. I've never felt this alone in my whole life. I want out, or someone to talk to and give me a hug. Halp.
27, have a partner but she's manipulative and all my friends tell me to dump her, and all her friends tell her to dump me
I quit my job recently because my boss kept asking me to do more and more and the money was still shit
My mom keeps telling me to get some random job and I've applied for disabilities since I can't hold a job anymore
All my friends are out doing their careers while I neet and blow whatever money I get on useless shit
I just doomscroll all day and play the same video game and watch reruns of the same TV show over and over