/feels/ - Advice & Venting

>>79315
As someone who does not currently want to kill myself but frequently struggles with suicidal ideation I support this thread and just want to say never give up, wait a few minutes, take a bath, have a cold glass of water, everything is going to be okay.
Don't let anyone or anything break you. You don't owe anyone anything.
Everything is going to get better anonettes

I'm going to be honest. I've called before and it doesn't fucking help. All the call center people are volunteers and they don't know how to help you, at all.

What helped me was reading stories of people in even worse situations than me surviving, and stories of people in better situations than me getting utterly fucked up. It makes me realize how pointless and random life is and made me feel somewhat more detached from my problems. It won't magically make you not depressed, it just might help a bit.

>>79409
I agree. I feel similar about therapists honestly.
Similar to what you said, but the thing that helped me the most was speaking to people who have struggled with similar struggles to me but managing to have a happy life one day regardless. I appreciate genuine sympathy, but when I am sad what I desire the most is someone who not only understands, but has actually overcome it.

I reached out to a support group about one of my main issues recently and I think it's straight up one of the best things I've ever done. Everyone was so supportive, understanding and helpful. I talked to people going through it, and people who have managed to overcome it yet stuck around to help others. I have never been met with so much kindness in my life.

>>79435
This makes me feel anxious because i started therapy recently. Few sessions so far, and my main goal was to get directed to a psychiatrist and get drugged up because my pain is unbearable. Now i feel stupid because i opened up to my therapist and i should’ve just been monotone and less engaging with her just tell her the current situation rather than going over my history and actually trying to get help.

I have been to the psych ward twice, on my second time i called a suicide hotline and they sent the fucking cops to come get me. This is why i tell people not to use them

>>79508
sorry, I am clueless- to get for what exactly?
“this is suicide police you are arrested for a homicide of yourself attempt”?

>>79513
nta but it reads like the suicide hotline was called, and they called the cops and took anon away to the hospital for the second time. i wanted to use a suicide online chat once and it asked for my zip code. i noped out of that in fear that the cops would come haul me off. if one asks for any location, or can ping your location easily then i wouldn't trust any of those hotlines/chats/etc.

>>79478
Don't worry anon, I know therapy can help some people but it's just not for me. I wish you the best.

>>79508
I thought I was the only one with a bad experience with them… Years ago I had called them in crisis. The first time I called I spoke with a very nice elderly woman who really heard me out and wanted to help, but had to get off of the phone. She made me promise that I wouldn't do anything and would check on me after a week. I didn't make it a week before calling again. This time I was really breaking down. Some young girl answers my call and really couldn't stand me. One of my major hangups at the time was because of a chronic/terminal illness I have, I felt like I was born in error. She disregarded it and told me that she knew someone with my condition and "they do fine". I lost it at that point and she did too, and told me she talked to people worse off than me that did kill themselves. I know it's a hard job, and it's hard to deal with people in that mental state, but that's no reason to taunt someone. Before I took the final blow an officer arrived and here I am.
At the end of the day, the crisis line is just a call center. They're really not there to talk or make you feel better, they're there to call the cops and get you off of the phone asap so they can take the next one. I'd rather trust someone from 4chan than leave my life to those terrible people.

Around two weeks ago I was playfully flirting with a guy over text, looked in the mirror, noticed my hips had gotten wider, and started feeling insecure, ugly, and unloveable, and my mind just short-circuited and I went and cut my arm up with the sharpest knife I had and showed him, but unbeknownst to me I hit an artery and my blood ended up gushing and squirting for around 8 hours until the morning sun rose without letting up until I replaced bandage after bandage and just held it down as tightly as I could all night long. I was drowsy throughout. The fear of dying was palpable and very scary to me, and seeing my blood everywhere made my home feel like a geniune crime scene, but all I could do was silently sob while standing over the sink and contemplating my life choices up until that point.

Yet I felt strangely alive and energized because of it, even though the guy was begging me to call an ambulance throughout it all or to at least tell my neighbors, but that kindness and worry from him only made me feel more comforted and relaxed. Never been to a psych ward, but the thought scared me anyway, not to mention the shame and potential cost. I just went to sleep after it finally stopped and cleaned that hot mess up afterward.

I know it's unhealthy, but these are the only kinds of experiences that give me enough of an adrenaline-rush and catharsis to remind me that I want to be alive, or at least that I don't want to be dead. I would say I'd need better coping mechanisms, but this whole event felt so surreal and random in the first place and I don't know if I'm fully over it yet.

>>79572
im glad you're still here nona<3

>>79572
Omg reading this made my heart go wild I hope you are okay right now and I am so happy you are alive!



You should write stories btw

>>79579
>>79580
Thank you ❤️

>>79557
I'm glad you're still here anon. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, that sounds horrible. It's a shame that you didn't get the elderly lady again. I really do feel like older women are better at comforting.

>>79602
Thanks for the kind words, I did end up talking to her after I initially hung up on the younger girl, but it was mostly her berating me for not following through on my promise before she transfered me back to the younger one. Terrible experience, but also I think it makes me value places like cc more. Sure we might be a bunch of social misfits but at least there are others in a world where we're so isolated.

>>79629
I really do think cc is full of very kind people who, at least to an extent, understand. Of course there are assholes here but this place is valuable to me.

>>79642
Yeah, I think that's why I come back here and to 4chan after all these years. It's home and we all understand each other on a closer level it seems.

>>79315
Most people will have hard time understanding this. Extreme situations like this don't happen in lives of a lot of people so I understand it's hard to advise anything, most people don't know what it's like when the moral standards change overnight due to . I just wanna be a good and helpful person but I don't understand how exactly. It used to be easier in the past when being a good person just meant trying not to harm anybody and do something helpful too. Rn I don't understand how can someone like me be helpful enough in order not to be bad. I've gone from an alright person to a terrible one and I have no idea how to change it and how to become an alright person again. There is nothing left to live for someone like me and even possible good things will be undeserved for someone like me. That's too specific of a situation to even ask for the advice and I hate it.
It's hard to handle. I've tried to strangle myself so ligature would strangle me even after I lose consciousness but I'm seemingly too dumb for this. I don't get it. Why good people die and yet someone as terrible as me is alive despite everything? That's unfair. If somebody knows a good way to do this or another alright suicide method that won't have too bad of consequences even if done wrong please do tell me. There is seemingly nothing else that can help.

>>79820
I might not understand your situation completely anon but the fact that you care a lot about being a good person and try to be one means that you are in my eyes. Most people don’t do that and don’t care for anyone but themselves. We need people like you to make sure there is good in this world.

I don’t know if this exactly applies to you, but I think sometimes people get stuck in a capitalist mindset of having to “earn” everything in life, such as kindness, love, a good life, etc. when these things should be universally available to everyone as a human right.

>>79821
Thank you, nona, that's very kind.
For better or worse it's not really the case where I live and everyone is always very helpful so I'm actually a negative outlier who maybe wants to help but is never able to do anything significant.
>I don’t know if this exactly applies to you, but I think sometimes people get stuck in a capitalist mindset of having to “earn” everything in life, such as kindness, love, a good life, etc. when these things should be universally available to everyone as a human right.
And that's 100% in regular situations. But when there is extreme situation when even basic rights to live and stuff like this are disregarded and you need to be as helpful as possible to change that, a lot more helpful than regular situations require, you need to earn the right not to be worthless which I was not able to achieve and I have no clue how someone like me can achieve that

But thank you, you seem like a very kind and sweet person

>>79822
Sometimes anon you have to be selfish and do what is right for you and put yourself first to survive. I don't mean deliberately doing harm to other people, but more like making sure your own needs are met first. It's hard to help others when you are lacking something yourself. Sometimes you can only help others a bit, sometimes not at all. This doesn't make you a bad person for not being perfect and not being able to do everything right and not helping everyone.

Instead of looking at the big picture, look at every opportunity to help someone as it comes along and honestly ask yourself if you are able to help today or not. Help if you can but don't dwell on it if you can't. It's not your sole responsibility to make sure that every other person on the planet is doing ok.

>>79825
Thank you. I just don't understand whether this applies to extreme situations. Technically I am supposed to be more helpful and I am supposed to be good at meeting my needs regardless or at least be strongwilled and be very helpful despite everything just like everyone else

I'll try to look for available opportunities but I'm so unbelieavably terrible at everything I doubt I would be much of help. I try to help and there is nothing in my head, there is emptinnes, there are no memorization of skills, no nothing. I have to redo stuff all over again to achieve nothing. It's hard to help when you're someone like me and I'm almost completely paralyzed by this and nobody can advise me anything because people either haven't been in such situations or they're very intelligent, skilled, determined and strongwilled and they're everything that I'm not.

But thank you, looking at every opportunity seems like a better idea if I ever get myself out of this paralyzed state

Thank you, nona, you're very helpful

>>79826
If you struggle to help people, could you maybe connect other people that need help instead? Or even do basic chores for people like cooking, cleaning, etc, allowing others to have more free time to help?

And sometimes you do have to admit defeat and realise that by taking a step back and just standing out of the way, you are being the most helpful. That's ok too as not everyone has the right skill set.

Also, don't compare yourself to other people if they are helping and not struggling. Different people react differently in different situations. For example, some people are afraid of spiders, some can pick them up no problem. It wouldn't be fair to make the person afraid of spiders deal with any spiders that entered the house when someone else can do it. And it's not their fault if the only jobs needing done are spider related either. They just have to stand back and wait until it's their time to shine with something non-spider related. That might come or it might not but it's the best use of their skill set.

>>79826
>I just don't understand whether this applies to extreme situations
Yes, it definitely does. In fact, even more so as it's less likely that anyone else will have the headspace to look after you or put you first. Keeping yourself in a good place mentally and taking care of yourself is very important so that other people can look after themselves too.

>>79827
>Or even do basic chores for people like cooking, cleaning, etc, allowing others to have more free time to help?
Dunno if there's even someone needing this but I guess if there was it would be nice.
And thank you, it makes sense, it's just hard not to feel guilty when you're useless and knowing that miserably little skills you have will likely never be helpful.
But I guess having hope that it would change would be nice. Thank you, nona
>>79828
I guess. Though it's not like anybody cares whether I'm in a good place mentally nor it affects other people but I guess it might be annoying if they have misfortune of dealing with me so gotta tone it down somehow. Thank you, nona

>>79831
>Though it's not like anybody cares whether I'm in a good place mentally nor it affects other people
I know it's corny but CC cares about you. You seem like a really nice person and CC wouldn't be a nice community without people like you.

>>79832
Thank you, nona, it doesn't sound corny to me, but actually very comforting. You're also a really nice person and I'm glad you're here

Is anyone else actively planning? It’s kind of scary but i’m feeling excited for it almost. Everyday i wake up and i do various things to see if i’ll miss it. There is still some anxiety around what happens after death and i can’t comprehend all of this just going… poof. But that’s the beauty of it at the same time.

>>79858
anon, i think it's more likely you feel good because you have a project to work on and something to look forward to. that doesn't have to be death. it can be a hobby, getting an education, or crossing something off your bucket list. the vast majority of people who attempt suicide but survive regret attempting.

nothing happens after death. you have your whole life ahead of you. don't throw that away for nothing.

>>79862
I do have hobbies and projects i wanted to do, but i’m too miserable to enjoy any of it. I tried so hard for 3 years to do something about it but my mental state and current living situation is debilitating. I’m broken and i have suffered from familial narcissistic abuse and still do, Its really vicious and i can’t get on with life because narcissistic abuse especially from a caretaker makes you feel like an empty shell of your former self. My future prospects are looking very bleak, i might actually be in danger if my parents die and they are very old. I think i died a long time ago and its time for the flesh suit to follow suit. It’s just not for me, i don’t like this script. Yknow? Sometimes we can’t help ourselves and no one’s willing to provide us the help we need.

>>79866
I'm sorry to hear that anon. I'm sure you've already considered these, but have you thought about reporting your abusers? Or working towards building up an online business so you can move out and hire carers? Or looking for government support?

>>79315
Thank you for being my frens. I'm ugly and weird in real life so I don't have many friends and (obviously) never had a bf despite being in my late 20s. Online friends are the best because they tolerate my spergness and don't judge me.

Does anyone feel as if it's nearly impossible to discuss suicidal thoughts and idealization with the people around you? I so desperately want to talk to someone about this, someone that's physically there. But, this overwhelming sense of guilt and fear washes over me and I'm unable to. Is this normal? Has anyone else felt this way?

>>80898
yes

>>80898
Probably because in most places you can be locked up and forcibly drugged if you admit to having suicidal thoughts. I'd only feel comfortable admitting it around another suicidal person and even then, I don't really want to discuss it, because what is there to even say? Life is shit, that's all.

>>80898
I don't think if it is normal or not is important. Do you think you are afraid of self disclosure or thier reaction? What kind of reaction would you hope for, silent listening, comfort, attempts at aiding you? I would guess you just want them to listen without judging you. Is that the case?

>>80898
I don't understand why most normoids skirt around the topic of death. I know it's childish to think that I have come to terms with my own mortality hence why suicidal ideation doesn't bother me much
I can understand where it stems from (escapism) and i can also understand that while I'm not looking forward to existing (because I'm not really alive) I won't accelerate my own demise either. At least not actively.
I did "try" once. But the attempt was laughable, and my body's reaction disappointed me greatly. I thought I had accepted that suicide was a valid means of escape, but my body instinctively entered into panic mode the moment i downed the bottle of pills. I dunno why the experience left a bad taste in my mouth. It wasn't the shame of being exposed. I think it was the fact that my "depression" was not that severe and clinical after all, else my body wouldn't have grasped at life so desperately.
After that, suicide (my attempt at least) was just an act of hysterics, robbed of the seriousness and gravity that i might have once alloted to it. It became something insignificant, when i once thought it would be monumental, life defining, important, so fucking important.

I feel extremely broken man, i feel like my life ended before if started

>>80898
It might be because you feel like a burden on those close to you and don't want to burden them even further by being emotionally open with them.
If you feel this way, please remember that if they would feel depressed and suicidal you'd be there for them.

The only reason I have not killed myself yet is because I fear going to hell. I've been depressed more or less non-stop since I was like 8, with no signs of stopping. I am on the verge of tears the entire day, almost every day, and I wish I could cry because then I calm down a little for some time but it usually doesnt come for me until towards the end of the day. I think about cutting myself daily and sometimes the urge is so overpowering I can barely even process reality properly but I have never done it because I fear that He will never help me get over this if I disobey Him like that. But I do not know why He would spare such a great miracle for me, i havent done anything to deserve it.

Today on the way home I stopped in a church to pray a little and I was there for like 30 minutes praying by myself, I was starting to cry but then some elderly gentleman walked in so I stopped myself, I do not think he noticed.

I just want this to end so bad, I have a very serious disorder and that is the reason I am so depressed but it would take no less than an instantly-converting miracle for it to go away and there is nothing else I can do about it. I just wish I could kill myself to end this suffering but whatever would come next would be even worse.

I feel so wasteful cause I know I am smart and attractive but it means nothing to me and all of what I have been given ends up wasted cause I am too busy moping about something that no one can do anything about.

im sorry the post has no structure I just really needed to vent a little

I’m probably gonna commit suicide by the end of this year or sometime next year, i still have a lot of things to do before i leave. I haven’t gotten my fill of a few things i didn’t get to do and after that, i’ll go. I’ve always had this sinking feeling since i was 14 or 15 that i won’t make it to 25, and i feel like my time is near, i can feel it strongly. I took meds, i did some therapy, But i still feel like i should be put to rest after putting in some work in my mental health to really make sure that i’m thinking straight. I’m really happy about this decision and content. I had hobbies and dreams but sometimes life is too shitty and the bad outweighs the good, i can’t ignore it anymore. Best case scenario, i’ll have another chance on the other side. worst case scenario, death is the end.

>>81058
> I think it was the fact that my "depression" was not that severe and clinical after all, else my body wouldn't have grasped at life so desperately.
Literally everyone who survives a suicide attempt says their immediate reaction after trying is fear and regret
Literally all of them
Even people who jump off buildings say their immediate reaction is regret
Don't assume your depression "isn't real" because even the most suicidal and emotionally ruined people feel what you felt
>>81435
Same tbh
I've been depressed and mentally ill as a child and I'm that way now
I will never get better
Plus I'm ugly as sin and dumber than a rock
Like I don't even have positive traits to outweigh my mental illness
And I'm ugly
God, i hate being ugly
Whatever
I am just going to keep drinking (I'm drunk as I write this) and in a month or two check out for good

>>81436
at least you have alcohol. I’m gonna have to suffocate completely sober… dreading the thought of it but i have to do it eventually. Fuck this misogynistic shitty fucking hateful disgusting mentally ill narcissist ridden cock worshipping faggot clown world

Is this the thread for me, if I’m not actively suicidal, but know that I’m going to kms once I reach a certain age?

>>81739
It’s not FOMO. It’s just that I’m in a wheelchair and have dyscalculia, so my financial independence is nonexistent. Once I hit 30, I’m going to end things. There’s no point in living old, when I’m this lonely and poor. Especially poor.

I feel like there was no reason for me to live past the age of 18. It was all over once I became an adult. There's no place for me in this world.

>>81752
Too late they fucking broke me lmao. You ladies take it from here

>>81737
My mind goes blank when people (recruiters) ask me where i imagine i'll be in 5 years. I genuienly cannot imagine myself as a 27/28/29/30+ year old. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm suicidal, i think.
Where I come from and grew up, I've been conditioned to think that marriage and babies are inevitable. There was never a question of whether I'll get either. It's a firm conviction (based on my mother's life model) that some time in my late 20's, I'll meet the one and fall into the mundane shlock that every mediocre human partakes in (home hunting, home furnishing, fertility treatments, babies, trust funds, savings, yearly trips to [insert visa free med country here]).
What's amazing is that I had such elaborate plans & aspirations for my early 20's, which all didn't live to see the light of day (generally due to my own ineptitude), but the model of late 20's that i'm supposed to somehow follow makes my skin crawl. I do want to be loved and to find my person. I do eventually make little people (it's a selfish intent), but i so wanted to do something important and given that your early 20's are supposed to be when you lay the foundation for that important thing, i feel like i messed up on a schedule or something

>>79940
u wil lalwyas have Freinds : )

>>80898
It's not even about guilt for me, it's that they won't understand anything. It's like they live in a different dimension where they couldn't even fathom why I would ever have such thoughts in my head. And it feels so isolating that they are physically close yet so further away mentally.

I’ve got new pills and I’m very tempted to just take them all now. If only I could be alone for 5 minutes.

I wish I could think of the good things I have going but sometimes I just get so frustrated and confused and suicide seems like the only way to make it stop.

>>79315
Hello nonas, so here we go again. I have been suicidal before but I thought I overcame that. However, I feel so bad now, everything is a chore, I hate my job, I hate having to keep trying even though it literally hurts me to do so. I just don't think I can keep going much longer. I have a therapist, I have a shrink, but they can't change the fact that living in this world is so miserable. Sorry if this reply is kinda chaotic, but lately all that's on my mind is getting a rope and ending my suffering for once.

>>84456
Thank you, but there's not even much to vent about. It's just that everything is hard for me and my therapist says I should be proud of myself that I kept going for so many years even though it was harder for me than for others. But like… What's the point in that? Why not just give up?

I've been passively suicidal since I was a kid and tried to kill myself once in my teens and once in my early 20s. Ended up hospitalized then transferred to a psych ward both times and hated it so much I promised myself I wouldn't risk having to deal with that bs again. It's been around 4 years since that last attempt.
I got a PTSD diagnosis last year and am now in trauma therapy but having to relive all the shit I'd been repressing is hellish and is honestly making things worse. Apparently this method is proven to help but the beginning is fucking horrible and I wish I could forget it all again.
On top of that I recently lost my job and am considering finally ending it all once I run out of money. I'll keep trying with the therapy until then at least. And formulate a proper plan to make sure I don't get found too early this time.

There is something wrong with my braind. I've been dealing with regular suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes since I was a kid and no matter how many improvements I make to my life it doesn't stop. It's awful, it prevents me from doing what I like because a lot of the time I feel so depressed I'm unable to do anything, even watching a movie I was looking forward to or texting a friend whom I miss. Whenever I think about a future it feels so empty, even if I imagine a good, happy life that is possible for me to achieve. I just get hit with depressive states at random. I used to think it would pass on it's own, because when it first started I was a mentally unstable child who got bullied, didn't have any friends and had undiagnozed anxiety. Then I made toxic friends, then I didn't get into the right uni and so on but times changed. I have friends, not many but I hold them dear. I'm doing great academically, live in a nice place near a forest, so far I'm financially stable… But I still cry myself to sleep now and then, [spolier]self harm every few months when it becomes too much[/spoiler] and then want to die. I mean it passes, sure. I don't feel like it all the time, but a lot of it. So much it stops me from working on my hobbies and enjoying life. I'm scared I'm going to be like this forever, I keep thinking that once I'm older and my parents pass away I'll have nothing to keep me going and just off myself.

Hello, I post in these threads sometimes, talking about the same thing(s), so you may have seen me before… I hope at least someone will take time to read my desperate plea again, it would mean so much to me…

Usually I am pretty depressed, but this time I am feeling the worst I have felt in years. Yesterday I almost took a knife and ended it all. I have medical knowledge so I know how to end it quickly and painlessly…
I felt so close to doing it, if something bad had happened to me at that point I really would have done it. I was thinking about it the whole day, didn't even get anything else done. I messaged a friend that I feel awful and he just told me something like "thats so pathetic coming from you".

I just hate being female so much. Everyone always told me oh you are just a dumb kid you will grow up from it, oh you are just a hormone-filled teenager you will grow out of it… I am 20 now and I feel the same about it as I always did, I just learnt to play along but it hurts just as much as it did before if not more. I have seriously tried everything there is and it did not work.
Currently I am trying to pray and be devout cause that is the only thing I have not tried yet, but if this does not help I seriously do not know what to do. I cannot even go outside or talk with others without feeling profoundly uncomfortable about myself and how they perceive me. But this isnt about weight or looks, this is much worse. There is no way to ignore this, every single act you do is in some way bound to your gender. There is literally nothing I can do to change this, I can only change how I feel about it and I have been completely incapable to do that.

Thing is despite all my dysphoria I really want children one day, but I am not even attracted to men so that makes me even more stressed out. I have never been in a relationship before cause all my crushes were on girls only and I was too scared to start anything with them. I wish I could find some nice repressing gay guy who would treat me like one of his buddies and pretend I am male and then we would have sex one (1) time for a child and thats it, but I do not know if such men even exist. I do not even know any repressing gay men irl, and most straight men, even if they are genuinely nice guys, would just want me to act and do all the feminine things for them and I really do not want to. Not to mention that I probably could not handle piv sex without crying (I am sure some men would be into that though), maybe I could hold it in if its just very rarely but if its supposed to be regular then no way.

Whats worse is that if I didnt have dysphoria I could actually be a model, I am insanely attractive and if I put even modest effort into my appearance I could easily be a 9.5/10, but its all wasted on me being so dissociated from the real world that sometimes I go several days in a row without even looking into the mirror.
It stings even more cause I have told one or two people how much I hate being a girl and they actually get offended cause how can such an attractive girl hate her appearance so much, I should be grateful for what I have and I will probably grow out of my dysphoria anyway. If I had at least been one of those girls that are naturally masculine maybe people would think "oh yeah, I guess I could see her as a guy", but as is no one can see me as anything but as a woman (it is also why I never tell anybody about it, except scream into the cybervoid such as here).

I keep holding hope that one day I will just magically wake up male or that my dysphoria will fade away but if neither happens then I would generally prefer to end it now. I cannot live such a life, I cry at least 4 times a week, sometimes I have to hold it in in public… I once had a dream I was male and I was so so happy, then I woke up and when I realized I still didn't have a dick, I started crying so hard that I actually ran out of tears to cry with, I just strained some muscles and nothing was coming out anymore.

I don't want any advice cause I have tried everything, I just want some (at least fleeting) understanding. Thank you so much for reading, I hope we will meet again.

>>90821
I don't know what to say to help you nona, but I've read it and recognise your plight.
I hope we meet again too.

these two are moids btw, extremely easy to intuit
>>79572
>>79508

>>90821
If it's any consolation, I am going through something similar, you're definitely not alone! I suppose the biggest difference is that your take-away from this is very internal and mine is more external.

I hate being female. It's not because I hate my body, it's because as a female I struggle to get any sort of respect. I feel like almost everyone deems women to be fit for one thing: domestic life, and that's it. To me, that position is humiliating. I want to achieve more, I am definitely capable of that and yet what I am met with is words of discouragement instead of uplifting.

I have spent the last 6 months (if not more) silently sobbing about my position as a woman. I hate it here. I have a 5k word vent on why being a female is an awful experience filled with not even insecurity, but straight up self-hatred for many women. What gets me the most about this is this usually gets dismissed with "well, females don't have to work as much as males, so males have it worse" as if the devaluing of women's abilities in the real (read: outside the home) world isn't part of the problem. Women are still seen as the secondary, inferior sex only existing in relation to the primary, superior one. It eventually gets to you, it'd be difficult not to work yourself into a deep state of depression once you're painfully aware of the fact.

What's helped me a bit was finding a community with similar views. There is a rather cozy radfem community on Tumblr. In case you are not in the right mindset to actively want to engage in a community, you can always just draw some positivity from the posts without interacting. There are plenty of lesbians there too, so you might find extra confirmation through that alone.

I wish you all the best, anon. Don't let the world push you into a suicide. It's not you that's the problem, it's the rotten culture which attacks women just for being.

>>90827
Stfu

>>90837
Sorry nona, I do not think I would fit in, I do not really have a problem with traditional gender roles per se, I just have problem with the gender role I am supposed to play. But if you wanted to post your rant I'd be glad to read it!

Not really planning on killing myself but also not really planning on staying alive after I finish my degree. I just don't see the point in continuing anything after that.

24 years old, no degree, unemployed and depressed. Thinking about killing myself in February next year. I live near a train station and jumping in front of a train is the best method I could think of, since I don't own a gun.

>>91069
Oh why February?

>>91069
I know this will sound very generic, but you're actually very young. This world teach us that we have to do everything quick but everyone has its own pace, so don't feel defeated if you didn't achieve your goals yet, you have plenty of time.
I'm a bit older than you but some years ago I was in a similar position. College dropout, unemployed, depressed and my family had money problems, I felt like I had no options at all, I was really close to killing myself.
Some years later, I still have my struggles, but I came back to my studies, and I have a side job that helps cover my costs. My problems with depression are still there but now that I'm doing something I feel so much better and I generally feel like I can deal with my feelings.
So I beg you not to do it, you can still live your life

>>91080
A friend will come and visit. I want to see her before I go.

>>91081
Glad you got better, wish I had the will to. I'm tired of trying and I don't really have aspirations or goals.

>>80898
I have a chronic illness and I just told my bf that whenever it gets really painful, it makes me want to kill myself. He just got mad and stayed silent, because according to him I don't really feel that and I'm being dramatic. Told me I don't deserve support for saying that. Why the fuck would you get mad when someone tells you their life is so bad they want to die? Fucking normies.
I wish my mom and sister were dead so I could kill myself without giving a fuck.

Things have gotten worse I'll do it today, can't wait until February. Near the train there are a lot of beautiful trees, I'll sit there and write some letters to friends. Goodbye cc and good luck out there nonas.

>>91906
Okay but why do literally all moids tard rage when women are in pain? Like they’re far more likely (I think 9x) to leave you if you get sick than vice versa. What is their purpose? You should dump his ass for this.

>>92086
I'm not dead, walked there and gave up. I don't want my little cousin to suffer. When I was her age my favorite relative killed himself, I can't make her go through this.
Today I scheduled an appointment with a therapist, tomorrow I'll try to find a psychiatrist. I'm tired of fighting depression but I can't make her sad.

I’m in a situation that I can’t really get out of and I feel like that’s really what’s pushing me to suicide but I think regardless I would want to die. Even before I was in this place I would always get piercing feelings of doom and emptiness and wanting to die near constantly. I’ve never felt comfortable being alive as far as I can remember. I hate myself so deeply I really don’t think I deserve to be alive. I have tried to open up but I know my family would hate me whether it be openly or behind my back. I used to be strong enough to support myself and I had enough will in me to want things for myself and I had love for myself but I truly don’t care. The only thing that stops me now is the fear or physical pain and doing it wrong but I hope to die soon. I really hate myself and am embarrassed that I was ever alive.

>>92291
you are so strong for walking away nona! i see you, i hear you. it's hard but you are gonna make it

>>92292
i really hope you can find a way to get out of your situation. maybe you can talk and open up to someone else. i don't know where you live but in my country we can access to a free number to call to vent about problems 24/7. maybe look for something like that. or maybe there are those places where people can meet and talk to professional mental health coaches (usually social workers) for free. or if you're still in school, ask for a school psychologist or just a teacher. talking really helps nona

>>92295
>in my country we can access to a free number to call to vent about problems 24/7
Most countries have those, mine does too. It's not really something I would recommend though. The people taking calls there aren't trained psychologists or anything, just random people who took a three day course before starting the job. They often make those calling feel even worse with the same "just be happy bro"-tier platitudes you already hear everywhere, randomly hang up or threaten to call the cops on you.

>>92304
If the concept of time didn't exist and if 10 days living wasn't totally different from 10 years living you would be right anon. But I understand how this must be a good advice for some people

>>92303
Yeah it's shit. My mum called one for the first time ever and they gave her no real advice at all, just told her to consider therapy. You just gotta do what makes you happy, cause no one else will.

I think I started feeling genuinely suicidal around high school, back then it was mostly teenage angst. when i graduated, that feeling of longing release never went away and it caused me to lose interest in everything around me, simply because i wish to be dead. i tried going to college, which ultimately made me spiral harder especially because i had no interest in doing anything. i started cutting myself more to try and cope. i even had some minor attempts, where last minute i decide not to go through with it.
of course, being suicidal and in neetdom drove the worst rift with my immigrant parents, who don't know how to deal with me beyond be verbally abusive and hope it wakes me up. it never did and it always made me self harm even more.
i enrolled into nursing school, mostly because i did have some interest in the medical field before, and i was doing well for a while until i failed a course and was kicked from my program. my mother was beyond furious with me, yelling about how i've "betrayed and deceived" her. it didnt help that my (now former) best friend and i had been fighting more often and in that moment we werent on good terms. it left me feeling like i had no other way but to really go through with it. so i swallowed so many bottles of pills, mostly benadryl, my anti depressants, whatever the hell my parents were prescribed for their problems. and maybe less than 10 minutes i ended up dialing emergency and told them what i had done.
i was taken to the ER and given so much IV fluids to "wash" out all the pills i had taken, before sent to the psych ward.
i know most people have terrible experiences at the psych ward, but i had a pretty pleasant experience. i think its because i genuinely felt "safe" unlike how i would feel at home. i had even thought of trying to convince the on sight psychiatrist to not discharge me so soon because i was afraid of facing my father, who at this point is just absolutely jaded and done with me.
but i didnt go through with that and was discharged after 3 days. I had a very difficult conversation with my family, who up until now did not know how to deal with a suicidal child. they decided to support me for once in getting the help i needed. i spent months in therapy, basically learning to develop a will to live. i went to the gym, which helped a lot with managing my stress and i lost 50 lbs. i started being more confident in my body.
when i finally felt ready, i signed up for my nursing program and i'm being re-enrolled and starting from where i left off in January.
i dyed my hair and started dating someone. Things are looking up lately and I'm definitely in a better place. I did have to put the work into having a "healthier" mind, and of course its not perfect but I genuinely look forward to doing things in my personal life now.
Long post, but I just wanted to share how I got back up from rock bottom.

>>92986
Good luck with your nursing education. Thanks for your post. It felt good to read.

>>92986
Thank you for sharing this! One of the finest additions to this thread, it's uplifting and relatable. I wish more nonas shared stories like this, I got happy reading yours.

I’m completely fucked in the head from a variety of unspeakably fucked up situations in my past and living on borrowed time. I just love my cat, otherwise I would leave. I am very sad and have been hospitalized 3 times this year.

>>92986
how'd you get re-enrolled? because we're in a similar situation there, but I'm not sure if they'll take me back with just medical documents.

I'm really thinking about killing myself at the end of the month if I can't get the job I think I'm close to get. I'm in my mid 20s and I've not done anything with my life.
I didn't finish my degree, I don't have any job experience, the few skills I have are very basic, I'm a ghost to my family, and I'm drifting away from my only friend.
Even my mom is tired of me, and isn't something that's on my mind, she's angry with me because of my constant failures and she has told me this.
At this point I just want a job to be able to pay for therapy, mess or anything, but I just can't take this anymore. I've survived because I call the suicide lines in my country, and they help me to avoid those ideas, but that's the only help I have that's available for free in my country.
I've tried to reach for help. First I told my sister that I felt depressed and I had suicidal thoughts, she was supportive for a couple weeks but then never asked me again how I was doing or anything. That was more than a year ago. In 2022 I tried contacting a cousin, because he has always been nice with me and in general seems very empathetic. I told him my situation and his answer was "you should try to look for a spiritual connection :)". I wanted to scream at him for such an useless answer, but I just said thanks and dropped the subject.
My friend is also aware of my situation, but while she is in a better position than me, she also has a lot of problems, and I've noticed she has been trying to distance away from me for her own good, which I get because I've been very negative and chaotic these last few years. Just today she asked how I was doing because she noticed I was in a bad mood, I avoided the question and changed the topic, but she stopped answering. That was early in the morning and she still has not said anything else, I even sent another message a few hours ago, the message was delivered but she doesn't reply anyway.
The fact that I'm toxic enough that people has to stay away from me makes me sick.

So I genuinely don't know what to do. I've getting so desperate to consider whoring myself in OF, but I feel miserable just thinking about it.

Al this might sounds childish, but I live in a shithole, the only income comes from my mom who's retired and doesn't make much, I can't find a job, I can't go back to study, I can't afford therapy, there isn't free mental health services, my mom is getting older and sick, and I feel lonely as fuck.
I really want to hang myself

>>93767
I've pretty similar situation to you. I'm trying to read for entrance exams so I could get a decent degree, even if I know it's pretty hopeless. I'm praying for you.

>>93767
this was exactly me 6 months ago. realise that nobody is going to help you. you need to help yourself. find an apprentice job or a job where you're secured and can't be fired easily. move out. forget about talking to your family about mental health. maybe it's different for you but to me it's just not worth it. apply for a therapist in your new city. do all the standard dbt crap like the dbt work book and learn to regulate your feelings. take it day by day. nothing is gonna get better but at least nothing is gonna get worse. good luck

>>93793

So much this. OP, you're starting to realize no one will care about you like you should about yourself. Especially because we're living in an increasingly self-centered world. You're all you have so start making an escape plan.

>>93767
you just need to game and drink alcohol

>>93767
you just need to game and drink alcohol

>>93767
Does your country have any adult education centers or any loans that you can apply for to afford your degree? Scroll threw twitter and look for people based in your country that look like they could help, guidance counselors etc.

>>93767
An update I guess. The woman who's offering me the job told that next week she'll give me a test to see if I know what I'm doing. I still don't have the job, but it gives me hope, but at least know I can do something. I probably won't get paid much (I'm guess like 200USD) but is still more than 200% of what I would make in a regular job here, so I take it.
I hope I don't mess this up.
>>93768
I hope you manage to get in. I wish you the best in those exams
>>93793
Yeah I guess I have to accept that. To be honest I was mostly hurt because of my sister, since she also experienced mental health problem when she was younger, she had depression, self-steem and self-harm problems, so I thought she would have more empathy towards me, and at first she kinda was, but it's like then she starting ignoring it. I have a feeling she thought I was going to ask for money, since she became indepedant from my mom, but I don't know, it still hurts a lot.
>>93902
My country is a bit totalitarian, the only "loans" I can apply imply me joining their political party and basically spend most of my life going to political events and looking for voters instead of actually working while getting paid minimun wage and food vouchers.
I tried looking for people who help people in my country, mostly helping students finish their degrees and things like that, by giving them money until they finish their degrees, but the people I talked with asked me for my grades and they weren't good enough for them to consider helping me.
The other choice I found was a group of therapists that have an organisation that accepts any food product as payment, which I could do it , but is in another city.
So I guess my only real choice for now is getting that job

I have EDS, MCAS, and POTS. I have three herniations (hiatal hernia, cystocele and rectocele) I have major colon issues. I have chronic migraine. I have degenerative spinal disease. EDS is a progressive genetic disorder. I have plenty more issues physically on top of that. Because of my high blood pressure my ADHD is untreated right now. I am 31 now. I have no children and I am not married. The doctors think I may have cystic fibrosis too. My lungs are at 60% capacity. I want to have children but my partner of 7 years says we don’t have enough money but by the time that we do my body may not be able to have children. I have no pain management for my issues, none of the doctors will help me manage my pain with anything. My body constantly feels like it’s falling apart, and it truly is. Time is slipping forward as my body falls apart. My main issue is cbd simply doesn’t help, THC only reframes my mind. I can’t do edibles anymore and am using dermal patches but they just don’t take away the pain. I’m so frustrated that the pain mgmt doctors can’t give me opiates when it is the only thing that would help my pain, with EDS very few prescriptions work (I’ve been on 20 different meds and nothing had worked) and the only relief from pain I’ve had was after major jaw surgery for five days I have real pain killers, those 5 days were heaven. I do not wish to illegally use opiates and if I try to ask for anything for pain I’m treated like a drug addict even though they say that the pain level I’m going through is worse than end stage kidney failure or child birth. I feel like a living dead woman who is just trying to survive everyday and sometimes I imagine ending it, going to OR or WA or Canada and asking for the humane way out. But then I’d never have a chance at freedom from pain, I’d be dead. I don’t want to get into the spiritual implications of choosing death either. I just want to live free of pain, so I choose everyday to get up and live and try to survive until the next day because I have some stupid hope that my pain will be relieved, that my genes can be crispred and that I can feel OK for just a moment. I want to have children I want to get married. But I can’t get married because I will lose my insurance. I can’t have children until I have money to pay for PGT and IVF so I don’t pass on my genetic disorder. I may never afford it. I might die before I can afford it or even try. But I live for hope. I live for that. But some days it isn’t enough. Like today. I am not going to kms but I am ideating… and sometimes that in itself is a comfort. The comfort that the choice to end it is always there, but that I have the choice to keep going with my hope too.

>>93975
Good luck I'm rooting for you. You can always use this job as a stepping stone to even better things.

>>93987
Eat tons of green leafy vegetables and herbs; drink distilled water; practice earthing and sun-gazing. You don't lose anything. Try the schizophrenic protocol of the CDF thread at /x/.

i want to kill myself so badly. i have wanted to, deeply, for several years now. i just am so afraid of not being able to get the job done. i really honestly want to become a canadian resident so i can get MAID

>>95131
Nona, why do you want to kill yourself so badly? We won't judge you for being honest, promise.

I've already attempted suicide twice in the past and have gotten pretty past that now but continue to constantly fantasize it by wishing it upon myself anytime my life gets hard. Is that normal? I'm doing it right now because I can't stand seeing one bad thing happen to me after another, after being serially mislead with some good things happening.

That's happened as far as I can remember. I feel like I am one of those people who, even if they found out they won $10,000 from the lottery, would get hit by a bus or get told I have two days to live, the moment I walk out with my lottery ticket. My life is a constant cycle of "Bitch, you thought". If we're living in a simulation, then someone is surley having the time of their life laughing their ass off at constantly trolling me.

//self-harm!// anyone has any life-hacks what to do if you have very frequent, sometimes almost non-stop thoughts about self-harm and suicide? i just hold my forearm with my other hand to stop the flood of thoughts about cutting(especially cutting hands which is strange cus when i used to cut myself, i always used to cut my legs) even though i didnt cut myself for like 2 years or even more i still suffer from this type of thoughts

I think my brain is genuinely rotting in my head, I'm 99percent sure I'm going to kill myself soon. I can't handle anything, I'm a colossal fuckup

The first time I had suicidal ideation, I was under the age of 11. I think I may have been 10.

Self harming started at around 13, but in hindsight I was banging my head against walls way before that.

I thought I quit entirely. This year though, I carved the word fat into my thighs. The top of the T is going to scar, I can tell that. It feels like the only way to prove my pain is real. Without that it seems to live within me and torture me. I feel like I am waiting for a cure that can never come, just waiting for someone to really see me. No one can though. It's a fantasy.

>>95364
What would it mean for someone to really see you?

>>95365
To not invalidate me, to respect me, to understand and know me, to listen instead of project. To be responsive, to meet my needs. Someone I can show myself to and they'll say "yeah I get it". Maybe I don't even really want to be seen, maybe I don't know how. Maybe I don't have the skills to communicate what's really happening.

I don't know really. It's more like a feeling I'm searching for, or a void I'm trying to fill.

Some would say this is a therapist. It isn't, it's what I need to be for myself. The problem is that being it for myself, involves accepting and carrying some awful burden. I hate it. No one taught me how to carry my emotions, they just stamped on them and forced their own feelings down my throat.

So many bad things happened to me, but worse things happened to my parents and they managed to function. Why can't I? Maybe I was born weak. I think I probably was. I wish I was a better human, but I think I'm probably just trash. I'm disabled now too, inflammatory illness. Thinking that perhaps it's linked to all the trauma makes me feel better because I'm more comfortable being a victim of another persons cruelty, than fundamentally flawed.

i'm probably going to let my anorexia kill me. so it won't really be a suicide, but it'll be intentional, so yeah. i'll feel very sorry for my grandparents who i barely know how to speak with because of language barrier. i can't get myself to learn the language, i'm a lazy fuck and i'll get what's coming for me. i don't have any real friends or anyone who truly understands me- i act differently around every person i don't even know who i really am i guess. i thought this feeling would leave over time, or i'd find at least one person who can truly connect with me, but i guess not this lifetime. i have no redeeming traits. i am ugly, and have the worst body type possible, one that doesn't even look good when i'm thin. my only aspiration has been to have a child, but i'm scared of childbirth, and i don't want to subject anyone to look or feel my body. my fertility's probably already fucked up too, or is going to be. i don't have a hard life, but i hate myself so much and i feel as though my presence is needed by nobody so it wouldn't really matter if i gone. i've wasted all these years

want to die because of alcoholism, no job, little prospects and low skill despite degree, depression and lack of motivation, self loathing and no supports. i have reached out to therapists and the work help center at my college but haven't received anything that wasn't shallow advice, judgments or outright disdain. i feel like i dont have the right to live and i hate myself every day for my lack of competence, weakness and ugliness.
i wish i could just reroll my character in life and be fucking normal or charismatic and likable in some way.

>>95368
I've felt similar in regards to seeing people who've been through worse than me and feeling fundamentally weak for struggling more than them. The feeling is horrific, so if you're going through worse again, I can only imagine the level of strain.

The idea of going through lesser hardships but feeling worse and attributing that to weakness isn't fair though. People are too complex - too much a jumble of learned associations, aspirations, defense mechanisms, genetic traits. If you're struggling more to function than them, it does not make you worse or weaker overall. It just means that you struggle more in this scenario. There are any number of other environments in which you could perform better, and not just in the sense of functioning better. Having a greater appreciation for art, or empathy, or exploration, or any number of others. Your parents functioned better in their exact situation than you are in yours - that's all that's been demonstrated. Nothing about that makes you fundamentally weaker.

And for what it's worth, a good therapist understands that therapy is meant to end. Their role isn't to be the person you need, but to help you gradually take on that role yourself, become adjusted to it. Though finding that one can be kinda tricky. Just grill them with questions about the goals of therapy, if you ever come across one.

Sorry if this is something of a rant - I guess I did project, since what you said struck a chord with me. But if you want to share more of what you've been through and are feeling, I'll be around to listen better.

I don't want to die, but I'm not living a life I'd ever have wished for. I went to STEM school until 18 and had some issues, but everyone told me I had a good head on my shoulders and would do well. Although my home situation was chaotic and I'm autistic, I did well in school and even had some friends. I still spent most of my childhood dreaming of running off and starting a new life somewhere else.

So when I was 18 I tried to do just that and uprooted my whole existence. I moved out, sued my parents for abuse and cut ties with almost everyone from my past. Instead of studying STEM I went to art school. I work all kinds of odd jobs and make art in all my free time. I'm quiet and I don't drink/smoke. I don't use social media and my artwork is highly conceptual, so I never really fitted in with people in art school. My art is not making money and taking up a lot of space, but I love making it.

I spend most days on my own, sitting at home, painting or working.

Growing up I always thought I was gay. On my 19th birthday I was SA'd by a male neighbor and stopped caring about any of those things. Since then I've just slept with anyone who asked me. My male best friend left his relationship and moved in with me. He's the only constant in my life, but I feel an ongoing existential dread and guilt about our relationship. I still think about my girlcrush from my hometown every day.

I'm 22 living in a roach-infested 23qm council flat with a 33 year old guy and a dog. I wake up every morning with a big question mark in my head. I'm good at every job I work, but I feel no connection to anything I do and everything I'm doing seems pointless. Therapists always say I'm fine, but I'm only doing fine if you count "filling in a blank space in capitalism" as fine.

When a client from my daycare job died, I pocketed her medicine. I tried overdosing on pure morphin once, but it didn't work. Nothing seems to work out, nothing seems to be going anywhere. I know that you can only stagnate so much until some kind of change happens, so I'm waiting and being hopeful. If things can't get worse, they can only get better ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I feel like i was absolutely destined to suffer my entire life. I was born to never have peace or ease. I was destined to never enjoy life. My life is made to be awful and it will never get better. Because it’s just not in the stars. I will never find happiness and i will never succeed in any facet of life. I will never get to be happy or enjoy anything. This is why i was drinking a lot. I definitely cannot drink this weekend otherwise i will hurt myself. I wish i could just erase myself from existence entirely. At this point rn the only thing keeping me here is the knowledge that i would continue to inflict pain on my family for my life if i left them, and i know it would still be worse than my existence to them now because it would be permanent

>>95469
That's what you get for suing your parents and going to art school

>>95488 Noone is born to be anything, except for members of royal families maybe. The stars just shine their light through space, too. They don't hold your future. That's not a bad thing tho, you're not destined to be good, as much you're not destined to be bad. We have agency in our life and trying to quit drinking sounds like a great start nona!

>>95489 My father is a pedophile and abused me for 4 years you twat. What else should I have done if not report that? I am sick of being pushed around in corporate environments and art seemed like a place where you can still express feelings and do something of your own free will. It's not bad, I just have trouble coping with everything.

>>95469
Just not if you try to suicide and instead of dying your organs become so destroyed you live in a near vegetative state and need round the clock home care. I'm just saying be careful af with pills.

My friend OD'd on alcohol and stopped breathing for 15 minutes. He has brain damage now.

I know, I'm really scared of all drugs actually. I'll never do it again unless I'm sure it'll work.

On bad days I sometimes wish I was (more) disabled and in a daycare center myself. At least you have people taking care of you in crisis and your surroundings are somewhat secure.

I'm too far gone to recover. I want to rip humanity apart, destroy all the structures we created as a prison for ourselves. I can't keep living when I hate my own existence. I never had a choice to be free, being born and tossed at this people eating machine. If god exists I want to kill it.

>>97210
>I'm too far gone to recover.
I relate so much
I am perma NEET with severe mental illness. People literally look after me like I am retarded. I want to hurt myself so much but there are my babysitters keeping track of me 24/7.

Suicide is the only possible chance of a way out and I am too weak to go for it properly.

>>97227
I also have my babysitters, it's just stupid. Why they even want to keep me alive when I myself don't want to? It's cruel of them tbh.

>>79572
>looked in the mirror, noticed my hips had gotten wider

That's hot af, wtf are you getting upset over?

I’ve no friends to talk to. I’ve got my bf but I’m afraid that if I tell him I’m suicidal again, he’ll keep a close eye on me and won’t leave me alone again. I don’t want to close that door.
I fantasize about getting into the tub and slicing my wrists, throat, anything that’ll make me bleed to death. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’ve attempted suicide before, if I’m in the right ‘mood’ I know I’ll gather the courage. I don’t want to fail this time, though. Previous attempts have been mostly a cry for help. Now I just feel tired. I am tired. I just want to rest.

im about to end my life why do i feel as if i’ll never have a good life
“just talk to people” they say. i do that and they stop talking to me like a week later
or randomly treat me like shit
nobody loves me
i can’t BREATHE without someone insulting me to my face
i’m fucking poor too so that’s fun
im lonely and i feel so trapped

it’s so hard to find women to talk to

i am constantly being stalked and being shit talked by old friends

recently i’ve been feeling so ugly

i used to sleep to escape it all but i can’t even fucking fall asleep because i’m so itchy that i start crying

i tried to hang myself like a few weeks ago and it didn’t fucking work
i feel so trapped right now

Last year I told myself around my birthday that if I was still miserable that I could kill myself when I was 25. Well my 25th birthday is coming up and even though things aren’t as bad, I still feel awful. I could take this year to figure out the most efficient way to kill myself (and make preparations) and then be gone by the time I’m 26. But it’s kind of intimidating to think of even where to start.

>>98237
I've set my limit at 29. Don't you want to wait for me nona?

>>98266
Well… I suppose I could make an exception and wait for you nonita <3 I waited this long, what’s another few years?

I was doing "fine" despite my loneliness but today I feel broken. My mom just told me we're in a huge debt so now I'm basically a slave to my job and the little amount I have in my bank account as savings will be gone.
It took so much effort to find a job and get back on track. I lost 5 years of my life because of mental health problems, I don't want to keep losing time, but it seems like my destiny is to be miserable.

No friends, no future, no passion, no love. The urge to kill myself has never been stronger. My life is just doomed.

I just wanted a decent life and live in relative peace, is that too much to ask? I tried, I really tried.

>>97758
I am in a similar situation.

I'm saving up to move entirely to a new and more active city and leaving behind everyone I know, including my family, in hopes to find genuine relationships. I hate everything in my life, so am starting a new one.

Hope you can escape too.

I'm giving myself until the end of the summer. I am over this life. I feel like I keep trying and things stay falling flat for me. Everything is depressing. I am so depressed. I know I am young but I don't feel like I have much to look forward to. All I have to look forward to is more struggle. Then, why live?

I've always been a suicidal person but lately i've been considering suicide for real this time because my life never gets better and i feel like no one cares about me, no one cares to ask me if i am ok or check up on me unless i tell them to, i'm basically invisible and it's hard to act like it doesn't affect me. I don't think i can get out of this mindset, so i don't know if this is the right thread, i'm mainly just trying to search for closure of other people that feel the same. I'm just preparing everything till i eventually do it, which is a few days from now, pretty sure.

>>98911
Good to know i'm not alone, killing myself soon too. I hope you can finally find peace from life, you deserve to feel peace from a life full of struggles just like i do as well. I hope both of us can successfully commit suicide.

I am slowly learning that there is less suicidal people on imageboards that I thought.
I have always struggled with life, ever since I was 17 I'd attempt to take my own.
It is so strange to see or hear that it isn't the case with the imageboard lurkers that I met through Discord.

I've already asked for help and received it multiple times. It never works, I get better for a while, then everything comes crashing down. How can people be so selfish and tell me I have to keep living for them? I'm in pain since I was born, there isn't anything for me in this world.

I’m back here after almost a year to say i want to kill myself again. It doesnt get better

I've accepted that I'll always be suicidal long time ago, It's a part of me that I will never be able to bury or escape, I'll have to bare with it my entire life. and I managed to until now, recently I've been having serious thoughts of actually roping. I have nothing going for me. I have no actual job experience because I got fired the both times I worked, I have no actual friends, no nothing. I just live for the hope that maybe eventually all of this pain will make sense, and it will all be good damage and not just damage and all of this daily suffering will lead me to a good future. but the odds are so slim, I just want all of this to pay off but it never does, I just keep getting damaged. this fucking sucks.

I don't want to kill myself just because this guy I actually liked friendzoned me after 2 weeks of barely dating. I didn't go too far, but it bothers me a lot because I'm afraid of never finding myself a better romantic partner again. It's torture seeing him at meetings for another year.

I drove into a truck when I was 18. It was the most selfish thing I've ever done, and I've always been deeply ashamed. Played it off as an accident. The worst thing was, I couldn't keep my weird sex stuff at home or with my bf, so a riding crop and vibrator flew out of my trunk and went scattered across a busy intersection. My parents had to pick them up with the rest of my belongings.

Shit sucks and I really feel for everyone here, but as somebody who made it to 36 and still has compulsive thoughts to step off bridges, steer into buses, and see what's inside my wrists, life can still be good sometimes and I'm glad I didn't get turned to paste. If you're thinking of ending it all, I highly recommend taking off and starting fresh before you do, at least once. Leaving everything behind and having a new life where you can be anyone you want, have whatever past you wish you had, is killing your past self in a way. That life is over, and if you don't mind rough living for a while as your get your shit together, it's the most liberating thing you'll ever do.

I love you.

Retaking a class I failed but don’t need for the third time because the F is dragging down my gpa. Such suifuel.

if my parents were dead i would've killed myself by now. the sole reason i'm staying alive is for mom, but every day feels more hopeless than the last, and it makes me feel boxed in. i can move out but i know t will be too stressful and i'll move back, where dad will make me feel worthless again. i hate being so uncomfortable all the time, unable to sleep and anxious that it'll only get worse, but feel bad because the illness isn't 'serious' like MS or Parkinsons. any other nonas have reasons to keep in mind going through chronic illness.

>>99511
How can you leave everything behind when you simply can't? It's not that easy, i can't leave my family or sister behind and leave my mental illness behind too, i'll always be the same.

>>99666
I have the exact reason, I seriously just want to die already because every day is miserable and when I see some light and hope it all end up being an illusion because I'm that desperate. I thought of making everyone around me hate me and once no one cares I'll just rope, but that will still hurt the people I love so there is no way around it, I'll just have to keep going until people forget about me or something so I can die knowing I didn't hurt anybody

The pain is too great. I don't know for how long I can hold on, live like this. I feel so alone.

>>100207
we're here for you

i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die

>>100581
dont worry i do too <3 i came back to my moms house now and i feel a little better but i know its going to be worse when i leave but idk we'll make it through this captcha is going to make me do it though lol

where is that pic from btw? i havent been on this site in so long lol

>>79315
it's been a long time since i really felt like i wanted to die, but i did tonight, a little bit. nothing obvious went wrong, it's more like a culmination of things not quite going right. i had been trying (subconsciously?) to make new friends, reach out to old connections, and go out of my comfort zone. some of that was exciting and cathartic, but ultimately i felt (and still feel) a strong alienation from some people who simply are assholes to me for no discernable reason. it makes me feel like i don't deserve to fit in - like i never will. like every social experiment i try will blow up in my face like it always does.
a friend of mine who i was really close with for years during my hardest times stopped talking to me entirely, and another deleted their social media after i reconnected with them. at this point, i don't know if i want friends anymore. i just want to be alone so at least i know i won't be disappointed.
i've been hospitalized 3 times for suicidal ideation, and i "graduated" from therapy after that, and take my meds regularly - i occasionally forget, but it's not very often.
i guess i'm just not happy with myself and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. maybe a shut-in self-improvement summer could be good for me. i'm going back to college in the fall, and i signed up for a get-to-know-you program for new and transfer students to make new friends. all i really want is a small friend group, but i'm worried i'm too old for all of that anymore and it won't ever happen again for me. also, my sister never texts back (she's busy with work and forgets about her messages, i don't think she's ignoring me on purpose, but i wish she'd talk to me more)
i want to cry. i want to get better. i want to be more normal…every time i open my mouth for too long, people think i'm a weirdo or something. i can be funny and charming, but i'm just not in the mood anymore.

I have BPD and don’t really see a point anymore. I’m pretty self aware and know when I’m in the wrong. My only issue is I get in my head too much to a point where I can’t live anymore. I’m going back to college in a few months and I don’t see the point or know how the fuck I will. I hate myself and think I’m fat even though I obviously know I’m not. It’s weird to know something but see something entirely different when looking in the mirror. I hate every imperfect part of myself including my BPD and vacant personality that changes everyday. I don’t have a sense of self so I don’t really have direction in life. I like art and I’m in film school but obviously that’s not going to go anywhere. I haven’t left my house in days. Every time I go to the grocery store I convince myself the cashiers are shit talking me. I convince myself everyone is staring at me and judging me all the time when I know I’m not that special or important. I want to die, seriously

i’m over this shit. i’m going to have a few more months of mindless fun and then kill myself in december. my mentally ill parents should’ve thought twice about procreating if they didn’t want a dysfunctional, suicidal child

>>100594
a lot of women get misdiagnosed with bpd when they have cptsd or autism. have you explored these anon?

>>81347
how are you doing now? i am in a very similar situation to you with regards to sui and fear of hell, it is paralysing, because life is still shit, even though i am following Gods will by staying alive.

If I could avoid having to work I don’t think I would be suicidal anymore. I know I’m an entitled baby but it feels unfair that the conditions that would make life liveable to me are so simple but feel so out of reach

I won't be able to pass my final year exams, so the last three years of university have been for nothing. Even if I passed and got a job, I'd just be living out the same routine every day for the rest of my life, watching loved ones die around me, growing old and bitter at the world as things get progressively worse, all the way up to when I die. I don't want friends, or a relationship, or a family, I don't want to make any big discoveries or change the world for the better. Not that I could do any of these things in the first place, but that's besides the point. I'm going to live out the next few months of summer, then when I get back to university in September and my family has driven away, I'll go out and buy a knife, and sever my carotid artery to die by exsanguination. I've got a note ready, including what I want to be done with all my stuff. I don't believe in an afterlife (that's the whole reason I'm doing this), but if one exists then I guess I'll just have to find a way to die twice.

>>100881
Psychiatrists don't even try to help women properly, they just call you a bippie or anxious and shove meds down your throat.

I paid for a technical degree so i’m in this weird position where i have something to look forward to but want to die at the same time

>>100944
this. everytime someone tells me their diagnosis, im just like. youre literally a normal person reacting normally to the world

I damaged the relationship between me and my best friend because of my suicidal thoughts.
To preface this, my friend is someone who I have known for about five years. We know everything about each other, we get along perfectly, she is everything that I could ever ask for in a friend. She lives in another country, so visiting her is not an easy task. Because of this, we value each time seeing each other to insane amounts.

I have been having thoughts about killing myself since I was around twelve or thirteen years old, this has only grown as I've gotten older. It became really serious about a month ago. I began searching different methods and was seriously planning on doing it. Before I acted on anything, an opportunity opened up and I was able to plan a flight to see my friend. I thought this was perfect (looking back now, so selfish) because it would allow me to see the person I care most for one last time, and allow her to make great memories for when I'm gone. In my head, it was sort of a 'goodbye trip.' I was going to kill myself in the days after I returned home, and that would be that.

Initially, everything was going great while I was visiting her. We were having a lot of fun, and even when we weren't doing anything, being in her presence made me feel so at peace. Knowing that I'd be dead in a matter of days made me feel free, I felt like I had nothing to worry about. Then, about four days before I would go back home, a situation unrelated to my friend and my plans caused me to break down. I don't know what came over me, but I ended up telling her about what I thought I was going to do once home; that I never planned to be anything more than I was then, that this was supposed to be it.
I don't think either of us have ever cried that hard. I made her cry so much and I will never be able to take that back. I hate that this was the reason, but it brought so much clarity to me. I knew that something like this would hurt someone, but actually seeing it, hearing it, feeling it… It is just so awful.

The days following my return home have been tense because of how concerned she is for me. I've expressed to her that I am okay and that talking to her made me realize many things, but that hasn't erased that underlying worry that I can sense coming from her. I realize and accept that things will not be the same because of that day, but it still hurts knowing that I caused this. I hate when people worry for me, and even more, I hate hurting the people I love.

I'm working to be better so that something like this doesn't happen again. I'm moving soon and plan to start therapy again once I'm settled into my new place. I am hoping for better days.