/feels/ - Advice & Venting

i have faced violence when expressing anger growing up so i am a nice lady now. i cant help it.

I've realized that, whenever I expressed anger, it was followed by shame. So much that recently, I was floored not to feel shame after getting miffed and letting it known.
>>92449

my last outburst literally led me to flip a table out of anger at my uni during an exam because my moids classmates were insufferable. it wasn't my first anger outburst but i just know that this shit makes me question whether or not I'm worth being loved or existing. i felt guilt for the following days that barely allowed me to eat. i don't want to feel angry anymore because i don't want to be thought as a potentially dangerous woman or future abusive wife/mother, but i know that repressing anger is what leads to bigger outbursts.

I used to have explosive anger which made me break things and harm myself. At one point I nearly lost my job because I used to smash shit (or my head) in front of customers. My early adult years were filled with hatred.
I'm older now and have a lot more control over it. The regret after acting out and permanently damaging something, scaring someone, or hurting myself isn't worth the brief rage high. Damned if it doesn't feel good in the moment, though.
Now I can't recall the last thing that made me really angry.
>>93415
You aren't a bad person, nona. You are worthy of love and existing.
The secret isn't to repress, but to process anger more quickly and practice acceptance so it doesn't escalate to the point of literally flipping out. I wish I had advice that could be an instant cure but it's 90% internal work at the end of the day.
Managing emotions is really like any sort of balanced self-control. Not overeating, exercising on schedule, sleeping at the right time, quitting smoking, etc. At a basic level it's about undoing your current habits (giving in to the urges to take out anger physically) in exchange for new ones (taking a moment to logically assess the situation, acknowledge your right to feeling anger because you're a human being after all, then deciding the consequences of the various ways you can react). This is something that takes time and effort every time you get angry. You need to be consistent and determined.
It's not easy by any means but it's doable. You should also work on genuine self-love alongside it since emotional regulation IS all about loving yourself. I believe in you, anon.

>>93433
(samefag but I also understand if this advice frustrates you to read or seems cringe. I'm not trying to condescend or tell you what to do, but I have a soft spot for people with anger issues because it's very isolating.)

I think my anger issues have caused me to develop bigoted thoughts, which I am ashamed of. For example, this entire family of people once flipped me off from their car because I made a driving mistake. I was already having a shit day and was seriously considering killing myself. From then on, I began stereotyping that group of people and feeling angry when I saw people who looked like them even though it was undeserved. I'll probably get shit on for this, but whatever.

>>93448
Guilt on the left, anger on the right. How often do you swing between the two?

>>93457
You read me like a book. That picture describes me so well.

>>93458
I'm afraid it describes us all.
Only solution I've found: just feel the feels, and don't base my actions on it. Like >>93433 said, it's just work to be done.
Emotions are just clouds and wind and rain, they do not change a thing to the sky, the sun and the moon and the stars do not care, why should we?

>>93433
>>93434
I'm tableflip , thank you for your kind words. i know that the answer is the same : self discipline. i lost 20kg by looking at what i eat and exercising regularly so it's not like i don't know how it is like to stop bad habits. it's just that it's easier to watch what i eat than watch what i do. my doc prescribed me atarax and xanax (even if i stopped them for almost a year) to sort of calm it down until i find new coping mechanism. i considered just drawing violent stuff or songwriting but it sounds so kitschy , edgy and retarded to do. i also need to do more sports until i break so i won't have enough energy to get mad. when you said that anger issues are so isolating it felt like some weight was removed from my heart, it's exactly how it is. I'm always so afraid of my lover to dump me because of that, even if nothing wrong happened "yet". I just hate it and can't accept it. it's a complicated feeling for sure

I had a massive complex around it from a young age because I was constantly ridiculed by my family for getting angry over anything, while they could all yell and scream and hit me over minor things, then just claim they were never angry, only a bit annoyed, that they'd never hit me in their life, that I was overreacting, it was all in my head perceiving their minor annoyance and a shove or tap as screaming and hard slaps. Meanwhile, if I so much as sighed or took a firm tone, I was practically threatening them with violence and they'd immediately attack me as a group for it. I kept anger boiling away inside and let it eat me up until I was screaming silently until my nose bled, self harming with blunt force and isolating myself for days at a time, during which I'd be mocked relentlessly for being such a petty drama queen. I tried so hard to never, ever let them see me even slightly annoyed or upset in any way or it'd result in days of them switching between laughing in my face or screaming at me. That carried over to the rest of my life and I pathologically avoided any kind of upset.

Then I met a guy in uni who became my friend. He had absolutely no hangups over anger, but clearly had issues controlling his expression of it because he had to remain totally calm or his naturally expressive manner and size would make everyone think he was about to fly off the handle and kill someone. He loves expressive arguments over minor things and got me to scream in public in defence of Digimon naming conventions, when normally I'd shut down and simply walk away, never to speak to that person ever again. I'd had a girlfriend in high school, but she liked that I was quiet and demure, and supported my family in mocking me for being "moody", so I didn't really get what it was like to have a real partner. That was until I invited him to my house for Christmas one year, and my dad launched into an angry rant about me wasting money because I failed a unit. I got flustered as usual and tried to defend myself, but instantly everyone turned on me because I stuttered. Out of nowhere my brand new friend goes to the wall for me, laying out an entire defence for the failure, just making things up on the spot to support me, and making these very witty, catty jabs any time someone mocked me for being emotional or upset. He didn't get angry for me like a few people had done for me in the past, he just gave me the breathing room to get angry without being completely flustered and humiliated. We didn't start dating for a year or so, but ever since then I've been slowly recovering my willingness to express anger because I know I've got someone who will leap in and support me, even when I'm wrong, and buy me the time to process my anger and decide if it's worth expressing it.

When I see angry people, both moids and women, I immediately feel repulsed and irritated by them. Even if it’s only words - instant cringe. Especially when they starting to talk about how tough they are and how they are ready to fight, including literally, physically. That’s so pathetic. Especially when they are laughably tiny and weak. So that’s why I try to be less angry, but that’s VERY difficult, I am such a bitch, I can hate everything and everyone, easily. But I don’t like myself like that, because that makes me like those people and I don’t want to be like them
Trying to be chill, but even if I make maximum chill negative remarks, people attack me explaining how I am behaving the wrong way, because I am negative about the wrong things, not ones they are angry about

who else had forced cold showers to squash anger

>>93473
It's funny because you sound very angry writing this.

>>93474
>>93482
Well, I literally mentioned that in the post

I'm a massive bitch around moids who don't support things that are essential to basic human rights like the right to choose whether to have a child or not and the right to TND

>>93487
Personally I love when I find someone with a hard stance on stupid shit like that, because then I don't have any moral hangups about caring for their feelings. Abortion is a good one because you can get people to admit to really crazy shit like valuing hypothetical life over real life, or cornering them into admitting to their own conflicting beliefs, or admitting that they just like to see "unworthy" people suffer (e.g. equating an unmarried pregnant woman with a "whore who opens her legs").

One time I got a guy I was talking to to admit that he thinks of children as property of the parents, and that abortion was akin to theft because it meant the woman "stole" a potential child from the man LOL

Some fucking unhinged people out there masquerading as morally virtuous do-gooders

>>93487
TND!!!!!!!1

>>93487
I can relate to that. my dad has always been very anti TND and it sparked a lot of arguments between him and my mom growing up. I really can't stand it when a moid is against TND. it's so infuriating. they should all be forced to read the crime statistics, then they'd understand they cause alot more crime than us. especially violent crime and rape.

I have a hard time being angry, when I get angry I end up crying or laughing I'm not sure why but it's annoying. I was always nice or at least I try to be nice but ever since I peaked I feel like I've become a bit of a bitch and very angry. I want to snap at people and leave mean comments on random people's tiktok videos, very childish behaviours that I should not even be thinking of I'm a grown up. I feel like because I never allowed myself to be angry I'm just letting myself be bitter and mean for the first time but I don't want to hurt anyone so it just sits inside me bubbling and simmering for weeks.

>>93569
Actually even before peaking I wasn't very chill but I was a lot more chill than I am now. I'm so jealous of people that are just chill and calm regardless of what stupid shit is being said around them

I do not remember the last time I was angry. I think it's a waste of my time and mental health if I do get angry and boil within the emotion and thoughts related to it so I like to keep calm and not give attention to whoever angers me, I cut them off and they might as well not exist. If it's some sort of situation then I use the anger to propel my will into action and solve the problem/get shit done etc.

>>93470
Holy shit, that is unironically so sweet, nona.

>>93470
i was also one of those kids who was shamed for being angry by my family, but it was totally ok for them to fly off the handle at the stupidest things, made fun of me, belittle me, treat me like shit. of course any time i spoke up for myself i was being "bossy" or "arrogant", but my grandfather throwing a can at my head over a pipe breaking in the house we could totally afford to fix, nope, i must have triggered him! or if i cried when my psychopathic aunt bullied me…stop crying! just ignore her! instead of you know, throw her fucking ass out of the house for bullying a child? when i read this i almost thought this was something i wrote because it just sounded so eerily like everything i went through when i was young.

there's nothing wrong with anger as long as it doesn't turn into rage. anger is a totally normal, justifiable response to people treating you like shit. i think there's something wrong with a person who isn't angry at being mistreated or people telling you that you shouldn't be angry when people hurt you, especially when they hurt you in a way that has actual, negative effects on your day to day life. i think as long as you are proactive with it and use it to motivate you to change/be better/remind yourself you deserve better, there's nothing wrong with anger. there's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. the only people who have issues with anger are abusers and narcs. it's okay for them to be angry but it's not okay for you, the victim, to feel anything…you're just supposed to sit there and take their bullshit, which is not right. they don't want their victims to feel anger because you have to have some dignity in yourself to be mad, and if you have no dignity you have no anger. so they try to brainwash and beat you down to think you're nothing so that you think that your anger is wrong.

>>92439
I'm both. On some days, I remain calm. However, when shit piles on, I end up here and venting. However, I would like to remain perpetually calm.

I'm always at 99.9% anger. Someday some poor soul will push me over the edge into a state of eternal serenity. I await the day

Always angry. My fight/flight/fawn/freeze response is stuck at fight. One day I may snap and knowing my luck I'll be in trouble. People suck. The weirdest shit always happens to me.
I've done things out of anger, to others and myself. When I can't outwardly vent my anger I take it out on myself. I'm like a fucking pressure cooker. Yes I'm now in therapy.
Part of my anger is due to my extreme anxiety, I think. The other is due to being taken advantage of in life and not having the proper knowledge to deal with that, so yeah that's why I'm in therapy now to learn ways of coping and moving forward.

im very nice tbh anger reserved for people who are dumb and annoying

>>98334
like my creepy step dad who just cant take a hint and follows me around like a fly attracted to poop
idk why he doesnt have better things to do for a man of his age and intelligence but i guess some people find harassing girls a turn on or something maybe because women just avoid them by instincts so they have to get up all in their personal spaces to feel powerful.
i mean if i had the intelligence and money that he has i would be out there changing the world and idk problem solving ? but what do i know im just some mid 20s woman of 93 IQ

>>98334
also people who intentionally try to intimidate you being hovering right behind you breathing down your neck and it's just so weird like some people come into this world and just make people feel like shit and uncomfortable for their jobs and it's just like ???????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ? ? ? ?? ?? ? ?? ????

but yeah im mostly very sweet :)

>>92945

Don’t ever feel shame for your anger, it’s a natural response to things

I'm generally chill because my life is good but I can't go anywhere online without moids being fucking cancer. There's so much gaslighting about how "most men aren't like that!" yet we get reminded that moids everywhere are like that if we open up a YouTube comments section or try to play video games or look at the news. It's insane women are told to go to therapy to cure themselves of hating moids when for men, hating women is the default and no one tells them they need to go to therapy. Wanting moids to die is a highly reasonable reaction to their endless stream of fuckshittery. Most women are gaslighted to death to believe they're the bad ones for distrusting men. I fucking hate moids and hope depression becomes more widespread amongst them so they do the planet a favor and kill themselves.

I haven’t been angry in so long. I have been moody, glum, irritable. But angry? When i was younger I used to imagine slights against my person and i would be filled with an indescribable rage. When my mother would hit or slap me i would strain against myself to keep my composure. I had always managed to reign in my worse impulses (in regards to people, in regards to myself? No. Free for all)

>>92439

>Are you a bitch (always venting), or a nice-lady (always avoiding anger)?

If I was in That's So Raven, let's just say the show would become too inappropriate for television. People would be getting run over with tractors every single episode. I'm pretty calm and collected on the outside but people actually annoy the ever living daylights out of me. The list of people I've wanted to gifrel goes on and on and on.

Sometimes I vent online, but usually I'm a nice-lady. I almost never yell or get angry at anyone so I have good relations with most people. When I do feel annoyed with someone usually I just ignore it and don't talk back. If it's something serious I don't act out in anger I just express dislike and avoid the person, like with shitty moids online or internet spaces. I try to surround myself only with chill people. I used to be violent as a kid though but I regret it and feel bad about it. I used to hit myself as a kid in fits but it was nothing serious, I think most kids have explosive anger at an early age but at varying degree. Now I just try to avoid anything that bothers me and only focus on myself and things I like. I find anger being exhausting, but I think I'm fortunate to not be angry often too as it means I'm not in a dangerous or awful situation that makes me feel the need to act out. At most being around my family can be like walking around landmines but they are good people for the most part besides being emotionally volatile sometimes so I'm not that bothered.

>>92439
Anger is retarded whether you're male or female. Letting your emotions get the better of you is weak behaviour. I used to get angry over every little thing. Angry or upset. I started making an effort to bring myself into consciousness - every time I got angry I tried to take a step back and imagine how funny I'd look if I was a little ant shaking my fist at an unmovable rock. That's anger to me. It's far better to understand why you're angry and then fix whatever needs to be fixed. The only emotions I have time for are grief and happiness.

I have never gotten so angry that I lost control or actually outwardly expressed it. I actually wish i were less passive with my intense emotions. Usually I just bottle it up and let it boil over. That or I don’t feel angry at all.

The last time ive been moved by anger, it was just the intersection of multiple events. Some moid was making stupid cringy jokes online. My mother was acting the cunt. A homeless guy wouldn’t fuck away from the car. And it was one of the hottest days of that summer. And I just felt like cauldron seconds from exploding. I just stood apart to cool off but just barely curbed my impulse to mouth off to the homeless fuck lurking around. It was honestly refreshing.

>>103570
on what planet is grief any more productive or useful than anger