>>96094>ruined potential friendships with people I think are cool by I guess being overly friendly.It's this. Of course, I don't know your exact circumstances, but what you're describing sounds like something I've been on the receiving end of so I can tell you how it looks from that side. First of all, though, I think you do have insight to why this approach isn't working, and that you've obviously thought it over a lot, but you're couching 'the problem' as a positive thing (I'm too nice/friendly) that's probably making it hard to really confront.
Basically, frankly, you're coming off as desperate. When you do these big gestures of affection for people to whom your connection is honestly quite weak, but because for you this is a massive thing feels to warrant such treatment, it's very offputting. It feels like you're trying to make an investment that the receiver is obligated to respond to, but that they didn't ask for. You say as much, right? You drop people who don't respond because you're expecting an equivalent or greater reward. It means your gifts come off as illegitimate and somewhat controlling, since they're not really gifts, they're down-payments, and people sense this and manoeuvre away.
I think you're also convincing yourself that you need to do 'more' than what the person is asking for. If so, that's also offputting. It means recipients can't really expect what you're actually going to do except that it'll be whatever was said, plus interest, plus the 'oh god please be my friend, I'm a good friend' bonus, plus the 'you better do this for me too btw (or you're a bad friend)' tax. Also, if you're the one initiating these gifts, and it seems like you often are, I think you're not considering what the recipient actually wants so much as giving them things you personally consider high-value, but that they might not really care about.
>I had a girl I thought was a close friend steamroll over my message saying that a family member was extremely ill to start talking about her own relationship problems to me in paragraphs.This does suck pretty bad. This is also a consequence of you establishing yourself as an open vent box who will actually entertain stuff like this even if you're not in the mood for it. I'll guess, did you patiently let this friend get out their whole spiel? If you really don't care or don't want to hear it, it's better to be frank about it. Not like, in a mean way, but if you know you'll resent someone for this later, you're better off not sitting there letting them do the thing you know you'll hate (and who you'll cut off the relationship with anyway).
>"Oh yeah it came 2 days ago, thank you" is what I got back. To give this friend the benefit of the doubt, it's possible there were IRL circumstances that distracted them from the thing being in the centre of their mind. But I also think it's more likely that she didn't care
that much in the first place, just accepted because you were offering, and didn't think you'd take this as this a pivotal moment because it's… kinda not? Like, what response do you really want here. 'OMG, the thing came! I've been waiting and waiting for it, thank you so much nona, and you even wrote a letter, you're an amazing friend and this will be special to me for the rest of my life'? That kind of thing is overblown, it's not how people actually feel, 'I got the thing, thank you' generally is. Your friend is not thinking about you counting down the days to their burst of gratitude because people generally don't do that.
>horrible habit of sending people messages asking "hey do you wanna be friends?"yeah that doesn't work. If it's really a friendship it'll just kind of arise as you talk with the person. It's not a contract.
>"I definitely think you and I would have been best friends in high school!"I'm sorry anon this is creepy. If your only interactions are observing you have shared interests on Tumblr, then you don't know enough about the person you're talking to to make such a judgement as that; you are (consciously or not) trying to position a barely-even acquaintance into a much more intimate place where… I don't know, you're like soul-buddies? (And why is your reference level high school?). It's weird and clingy. It's betraying you already have a mental image/fantasy of the person that doesn't match up to what they're actually like, that you aren't really seeing them; idolatry. It feels very gross and I'm not surprised you were dropped for it.
>I genuinely do not think I am behaving in a creepy way, I just guess I try to hard to respond to every detail It's creepy. I think part of you recognises it's creepy or at least that someone could perceive it as such since you bother to mention it. People generally don't need to respond to every single part to convey they've paid attention. They'll respond to the parts they think are important or that further the line of conversation, inevitably, that means focusing on only select points or topics. This kind of conversation where I actually can write essays back to your essays doesn't happen in real life talks between friends, where people with decent social skills learn to socialise, it's a consequence of the text medium and it's not really natural.
>I will type out an entire recipe to someone if they seem interested in something I cooked just in case they would like to make it too) and then I get disappointed when they appear not to give a shit.You are making assumptions that people want things they don't actually ask for or care about because you're taking it as an opportunity to be praised for doing more than expected.
>Or I really try hard to be interested in what they are talking about and ask engaging questions. You're also lying to people and don't really care what they talk about. I recognize you're trying here to share the puck and give them their fair 'turn', but this kind of thing isn't genuine or stable if we're talking about a supposed friendship. Like, how is it a friendship if you have to force yourself to care about what they're saying?
>Is this having too high of standards?They're simultaneously too high and too low. They're too high in that you're expecting responses that no human being would reasonably give. They're too low in that you put up with junk you don't care about because you are (evidently) desperate and don't have great options.
>Does anyone have any advice for me?Frankly, the place you need to start here is with your… how to say this, general worldview. If you're going to give things, whether that's presents or time or advice, you need to get in the habit of doing that while expecting
nothing back. You simultaneously need to learn to be more discerning about who you let in and more generally confident (not just in socializing, just overall. its own kettle of fish but w/e, but a big part of it involves being more honest and being able to trust/know how you'll respond to things). You have to actually care about the other person's wellbeing for the sake of their wellbeing, irrespective of their position to you. People feel bonded to another person when they feel that person has genuinely listened to them and understands them. You don't give that impression to people because you're focused on imaginary versions of them that you make way too intimate way too quick and ticking 'good friend' boxes to get things from them. That's my impression.
