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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Sexual Assault/Harassment/Abuse Support Thread Anonymous 988

Discuss your experiences, your recovery, and help out fellow miners who have dealt with and/or are currently dealing with anything related to sexual abuse/assault.

Anonymous 1063

Putting this thought first so the second part isn't on the front page blurb: Kind of off topic but I'm also frustrated in general with how we talk about female sexuality. Lots of people try to claim to be all progressive and shit because they believe female orgasms exist, but the only discussion of female sexuality they'll accept involves a very narrow (and honestly imo unrealistic) take on it. It's got to be "girl knows what she wants and goes out and gets it" which is nice, but I feel like as soon as you try and talk about the very real damaged sexualities many women carry either because of previous abuse or our toxic sexual culture in general no one wants to see it.

My boyfriend probably raped me in my sleep. I woke up before he went through with it but he told me he'd done it before. I still don't know if I believe him, but it's not like it really makes a difference in the end. When I confronted him about it he turned it around on me somehow, I can't remember exactly. I stayed with him for another year after that, and it was even later still that I could consider it rape.

I'm waffling on how consensual the rest of our sex was too. I technically consented but I don't think I really knew how to say no, and there was usually pressure the few times I would say no. I'd usually need a good reason or I'd feel like I had to. I mean, if I didn't think it was rape when I was literally unconscious because "Well if I were awake I'm sure I'd have said yes", because of some unspoken assumption that he can do whatever he wants with me as long as we're dating, it makes me really doubt the validity of all my other "yes"'s. I remember we stopped hanging out for weeks because I thought it was unfair to him to hang out if I couldn't put out.

I don't know if I've ever enjoyed sex. I definitely don't think I've ever enjoyed PiV sex or really anything involving insertion. I probably have vaginismus or something because it's always been painful. I think I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum too because I really rarely have any sexual feelings at all and whenever I do it's always really closely coupled with feelings of self hatred. Like, if I feel horny I guarantee within 20 minutes I'll be wallowing in despair, and if I start really hating myself I get turned on. I really can't feel one without the other.

I don't really think that this was caused by my abusive ex's, rather I think that this conflation of sexuality and self hatred probably led me to them. I really wonder where it comes from. I wouldn't really feel bad if i was just a kinky person but the way it's expressed in me is so unhealthy and unfair.

Anonymous 1066

Ah, the life of a girl.

I've been orally raped by the same guy quite a few times, mostly in front of other people. Also have been exposed and groped by said person in public against my will, etc. He also likes to broadcast whatever sexual acts we do together on social media (never asks and he knows I hate it, though he's stopped recently). Also has raped me while I was drunk. It hurts so much, but what can you do, no way I'd leave this guy.

Also been molested by close family member for a period of time as a child. Parents didn't do anything.

Does anyone else experience not caring after a certain amount of time? Every single little thing bothered me at first, but eventually, it's like you adopt this zen mode where it doesn't faze you anymore and even though it'd bother you if someone else were experiencing the same thing, it's like, who cares if it happens to me, it's been done to me so long, another time won't hurt. You accept there is a level of responsibility because you've never reported it out of fear of change or because you don't want the person's life to get more complicated.

Anonymous 1067

I know you didn't come here to hear this but what's stopping you from leaving?

Anonymous 1074

I'd like to share my story, but it was a long time ago in childhood and i'm still trying to fully understand what happened, so until I find mental clarity on the matter I think i'll hold off trying to describe it all.

tbh I do not understand the underlying issue you are pointing out? the female orgasm is real anon?

Anonymous 1076


Because I'm isolated (not his fault) and my only friends are his friends. He knows me well, we had eeriely similar upbringings, leaving will shatter me. I've had people want to get to know me, but ironically they seem to exhibit questionable behavior themselves (touching my body inappropiately, saying that I'm x way when they don't know me at all,etc.

There's a lot of reasons that are too personal for me to put in one post for fear of someone IDing me.

Thank you for caring kind anon, I have no one else to talk to about this.


It is real, but it annoys me when men blanket statement all of female sexuality as this simple when literally all the women I know, whether they are victims or not or how many sexual partners they've had, have weird, complicated, and uncomfortable relationships to sex. Like, guys who think that giving head makes him the patron saint to feminism or whatever. It grosses me out. There's a trend I'm seeing in movies and TV lately where they'll be "progressive" by showing a woman taking initiative in sexual relationships, and it's always "This man is cartoonishly hot. Look how turned on that strong female character is. Now they're having sex and she's on top." It bugs me because it's not at all relatable and I think it has the potential to be just as damaging as the subservient role women are classically shown taking.

Where are all the women who aren't sure what they want? Where are all the woman pursuing a man, passively or actively, and then changing her mind halfway through and leaving? On top of that, I have a suspicion that the whole "Woman finds man hot and automatically wants to jump his bones" is still just pandering to the male gaze in a very slightly updated way. Of course it's fiction so it's not claiming to be realistic but this is the only form of education a lot of people get on sex and relationships, and it makes a big difference how they're portrayed.

TL;DR I just wish we were more comfortable as a society admitting that the sexual status quo harms women, because as a woman who's been harmed badly by that status quo I never feel like I see my story told in media, or sexual issues like mine even mentioned in mainstream feminism.

That sounds both dangerous and familiar. I understand the concern about anonymity. No pressure, but if you want to talk about it in private feel free to email me.

Anonymous 1081

A lot of men used to kiss me hello/goodbye as a little girl, on my hands, cheeks, lips. It felt so revolting and they would just do it without asking, and none of the women would ever tell them that wasn't appropriate. And I recently found out that an older cousin who used to grope me and strip when we were kids which he called "playing doctor" has a decades long string of raping the little boys in our entire extended family, but no one has ever reported him and he safely still lives with his parents for free, as a 28 year old.

Anonymous 1091

Sage because OT and I don't have much to add but I like and agree with your post. A lot of people are confused when I say I dislike being eaten out and then try to say I just haven't had it done right yet.

All sex is about the man, really. I hate it.

Anonymous 1413

I don't know which thread to post this in, so I guess this thread will do.

My SO and I were both molested for longish period of time as children by one of our siblings. We engage in father/daughter molestation roleplay during penetrative intercourse and I feel disgusted by myself. I wish I could find a way so that we could stop. It's the only way he can orgasm and I've never been able to orgasm from sexual acts with other people. While he did start the father/daughter aspect of it, it is true that with my exes, I have always enjoyed roleplays in which I am "molested", however, and I did introduce that aspect with my current SO so I'd be okay with the roleplay situation. I hate DDLG and anything which fetishizes children, yet here I am, fetishizing being molested. Anyone have any helpful tips on how to stop/cope? I've considered the fact that my SO and I may be pedophiles, but I'm not sure.

Anonymous 1432

Wow. That is some crazy shit. You're not getting into a "zen mode", your brain is panicking because it's under traumatic stress and started a freeze response. You've been pushed to the point your body doesn't know what to do besides become frozen in fear, numbing your emotions and repressing your experiences - similar to accepting death when you've been cornered. I mean this sincerely, I am hurt for you. And I want you to get out of there because your life was not meant to be tortured like this. You should feel. Please don't let that monster steal everything from you.

Anonymous 1748

anyone else feel frustrated with how rape is always shown in fiction as this ultimate evil that destroys literally everything in the female protag's life, nothing is ever the same, and she's just broken for life afterwards.

Like, I understand that I'd probably feel differently if I'd been raped as a small child, or in a violent hostage situation I'd feel differently. But, seeing as it happened to me in less formative years, and in a way that was at least partially avoidable, I honestly view it as just a thing that happened to me. Like, it sucked, and I definitely have my moments and I've still got to work through it, but it doesn't really change much on a day to day basis outside of like, sexual stuff. Most days I honestly don't even think about it? This seems like a normal and healthy reaction but no one ever talks about it on these terms.

Anonymous 1755

For me, my huge problem with how rape is depicted is that a lot of the negative effects from "rape" are from how others responded to it.

>>a way that was partially avoidable

I'm curious as to what this is because this sounds like you're taking some responsibility for what happened

When I used to go to counseling, my counselor often told me that it was more likely that PTSD was a normal reaction to such an event and that it is rare for someone to naturally have a "healthy" reaction to such an event (even as an adult).

I think what's difficult is that "sexual stuff" is a decidedly big deal to many people and they see it as linked to their identity. I wish less people (I'm talking mainly western cultures) saw sex as this huge, important part of life, but it is, and that's my guess as to why many get crushed by rape.

Sorry for my rambling. Personally, I felt you did for a while and just wanted the perpetrator to get arrested. I developed PTSD eventually after feeling like I didn't care about it for a few years. But maybe you are one of few that healed healthily from it.

Anonymous 1756

*felt like you did

Anonymous 1762

I guess I do take a certain level of responsibility for it still. For the longest time I wouldn't consider it rape at all because I full on thought I was asking for it.
To give you a more complete picture, I'm >>1063
On the one hand I know it wasn't my fault per say, but on the other hand it was pretty obvious that he was a skeevy guy. At the time we started dating he'd been having trouble with the law and shortly before he'd been a meth head. On the one hand I didn't go into the relationship thinking "boy howdy I sure hope this guy rapes me!" but on the other hand a modicum of self respect at the time really could have prevented the entire ordeal.

This was years ago and I'm sure my response to it is still evolving and whatnot. I'm way more triggered over it than I was in the years immediately after it happened, and I won't even attempt to make claims about how I will or won't respond to it in the future. Likewise I'd never pass any judgement on an individual over whether they're responding "correctly" or not. I'm a firm believer that there's no real wrong way to deal with your trauma, especially to the extent that you're not putting yourself or others at any significant risk. I also want to tag on here in case it's not clear that I'm also in no way trying to compare my sexual trauma to anyone else's here; rape is honestly a pretty broad umbrella and I'm still pretty sure that on the grand scheme of things I got one of the longest possible ends of the stick, short of like, not getting raped at all.

Even having said that, even I'm not free from trauma or PTSD or whatever. When it comes to sex I'm a literal mess and like you said, we form our identities around sex in a lot of ways around here, so I do fall into traps of self hatred over it all the time. Feeling incomplete or broken or unworthy because I can't have sex like a normal person. It's all there. But, on a day to day surface level basis, that's not how it is for me, and it's not how it is for any of my friends who have been sexually assaulted, molested, or raped either. Even the ones who got shorter sticks than I still go out and function and live their lives. It's not obvious that they've been raped. Think about how many women are raped in their lifetime. If all rape victims walked around as shallow husks or angry man-hating frigid women (two television go-tos) you'd have to see a lot more of them around. Most rape victims don't let this stuff factor into their day to daily lives because it's not possible to function like that. It's not something that usually becomes relevant while you're out to lunch with friends, and it's certainly not something that most of us are compelled to bring up in casual conversation. Like, I'm not making an argument here that real life rape victims are right to hide their trauma or whatever, just that it would be really nice to see more fictional rape victims in movies or whatever that aren't obviously coded as "victims" the whole goddamn movie. I want rape victims with full lives and relationships and careers. It's ok to show them as still dealing with their trauma, but can we please at least show that it's ok for rape victims to eventually move on from it? Even better if we can show that it's ok to still deal with trauma from time to time even once you've moved on. I guess ultimately all I'm really asking for is better writing.

Anonymous 13311

It made me afraid of IRL people, I only feel safe talking to people online. and understanding more makes me more afraid. I keep coping with it, thinking that people are just incapable of thinking they can do harm, instead of being self-aware and trying to fix themselves.
I just think sex is used more as a tool to hurt people than to help. and the motivation for sex is often shallow and hedonistic,

…but all my fears mean nothing. I still have no choice but to interact with people every day. I can dissociate and cope but the reality can never be changed.

Anonymous 13318

It sounds funny to say, but at first I was 'okay' with getting raped.
I convinced myself that just because something had happened to my physical body, it didn't mean that I had to incorporate it into my life or my personality. And I forgot about it for a few years.
Then, I learned that other women had come forward and accused the same man of rape. One of these accounts was from half a decade before it happened to me. At that point, I realized that this man had been doing this to other women, likely dozens if not hundreds of other women, for years on end. When I thought I was an isolated case and that it was 'my fault' for putting myself in danger, I could handle it. After I realized that this had been going on for more than a decade, I was consumed with guilt. I couldn't deal with the idea that I could have stopped him if I had just gone to the police that day and gotten a rape kit. I started drinking myself into oblivion that day, and haven't stopped for the past three years.
The worst part was, even though these other women came forward, nothing happened. He tried to bribe one of their friends to testify against her. He tried to flee the state. But at the end of the day, all his lawyers had to do was say 'these women are lying. they want to be paid off because our client is rich' and all charges were dropped.
there's a video of one of the women in the courtroom, and when the verdict is announced she just drops to her knees, covers her face, and wails. that's how i feel, too. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about this.

Anonymous 13319


i remember the american flag towel

Anonymous 13320

I understand you in a way, being "okay" with it. I remember feeling helpless. there was no way to avoid it… my irl abuser lived with us at the time. I tried to reclaim my own sexuality many times but I failed. my partner left me. I understand that people only hurt other people. even now as I type this, I'm being harmed.

I still have no choice but to live around my IRL abuser, my parents mock me and force me against my will to live as a victim.

Even as a adult I have no choice… its up to other people to decide my life. I wanted to escape, but as I said already, my mom and dad won't let me.

Anonymous 13324

fuck your mom and dad. there are shelters for women who are being abused. go to those. cut ties if you have to. if they know what's happening to you and they aren't outraged, do they actually care about your well-being?
>its up to other people to decide my life
no, it's not. there are ways to survive without them. i know plenty of people who left their families with nothing more than the clothes on their back, hopped a train, left the state, and lived to tell the tale.

Anonymous 13325

I'm too afraid, I can't interact with people effortlessly. They did know what happened and kicked out my IRL abuser out, but they won't let me move and be away from him. he still lives in my "local" area

There's no way I can escape, I already tried on my own, thanks anyway but I already did everything I could

Anonymous 13326

you don't need anyone's permission to move. it's literally as easy as packing a backpack and walking out the front door.

Anonymous 13327

I'm not allowed the house keys, I forgot to mention, and as I said, my family thinks its cute and funny to abuse me… yeah.. it goes a lot deeper. its too complicated.

Anonymous 13328

you don't need house keys to unlock a door or open a window from the inside.
if your family is as bad as you say they are, call the police and ask for an escort to a domestic violence shelter. you can get away from them, you don't have to put up with being 'forced against your will to live as a victim' or 'being harmed even now as I type this'

Anonymous 13332

I hate people like this
>i was abused by a partner who i willingly entered into a relationship with
>my family kicked him out, now lets me live with them but they 'mock' me and i wish i could get away from them!
>but i won't actually do anything to get away from them because i'm too afraid, i can't interact with people effortlessly

when someone has a gun to your head and is telling you they know where to bury your body so that the police will never find it, then you have a right to be afraid. this whole 'i can't get out of this abusive family situation because i'm scared of interacting with others'…seriously? my sister has to work with her rapist every day and she still manages to deal with it. you consider it to be forced to live against your will as a victim because your ex lives in the same town as you do.

Anonymous 13333

its not my partner, my irl abuser was related to me. it wasn't a normal relationship. it was incest and I was a kid, like eight years old. I was forced into it and didnt enjoy it.

I understand why you got mad though,

Anonymous 13336

Sorry, I forgot to mention I'm a adult CSA survivor. I never mention it since I get accused of faking or a sob story.
it was someone I lived with since birth, I experienced the depths of betrayal and only feel safe talking to online people, since I'm not forced to talk to them. I was the same anon who said they couldn't trust anyone they know IRL since I got taken advantage of someone I should have been able to trust,

Okay hope that fixes the misunderstanding, it happened before i was a teenager, it wasn't a normal teenager or adult relationship

Anonymous 13342

ah, my apologies. it was the
>my irl abuser lived with us at the time. I tried to reclaim my own sexuality many times but I failed. my partner left me.
that confused me, it sounded as though the abuser was the same person as your partner.
but really, why don't you get out of there? it sounds like it would be way better for your mental health than continuing to live with your family.

Anonymous 13568

This is a really unhealthy and invalidating way of viewing abuse. Doesn't matter if you have been abused yourself or not, you don't have the right to tell people when they are "allowed" to be afraid or feel trapped. Even though thats not what anon here went through, thats shit other people have gone and ARE going through. It is not your place to say any of that shit. If your sister can tough it out thats all good and well but that doesn't mean that others aren't allowed to get upset over things like that.
>i wish i could get away from my abuser but i cant because i am too scared and the result of my abuse makes me feel unable to interact with other people so i could leave
thats exactly how so many abuse victims feel. Thats how i have felt once. I am disgusted by this post and its implications. I hope this is not the kind of thing you meant.

Anonymous 13571

Hey thanks for defending me, I don't think there's a point though since most people are expected to be "Chill" about everything, but I do appreciate it.

I feel like a program to help abuse survivors who want to isolate themselves completely would do wonders, since "Normal" people don't want to understand them.
its for the survivors safety. not for normal people's comfort.

Anonymous 13572

I honestly wish the same kind of thing. It would be nice to feel safe and not have people, when i tell them about my own emotional abuse and sexual abuse, tell me "why didn't you just leave then?" "why did you let them do that to you?" "why did you allow it to happen?". That kind of language is really blaming and shaming in my opinion. I avoid saying things like that in all cases. I hope things are better for you anon. Your parents are terrible for making fun of your abuse (and causing it, if the abuser was a parent). Id recommend contacting a hotline so you can remain anonymous and see what options you might have, if you haven't done that already. Sending lots of love from me to you.

Anonymous 13576

Yes thank you, I'm fine, but my family thinks I'm just whiny. I can't do much.
I said it already but a program that enables victims that can't "function" in society to self-isolate [move away to the middle of nowhere, but they can come back anytime if they want] is the only solution I can think of

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