/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I've been estranged from physical intimacy for my entire life and have been coping for the last few years with online roleplay. It's been up and down, sometimes I feel very driven to immerse myself in a character and her pain, but it's starting to numb and I don't really know what to do

I've always been really good at writing because I used to do an unhealthy amount of yaoi fandom fanfic and feel like the compliments matter, but I never really feel better. I'm nearly 30 and have had physical relationships before but my fear of actual sex and obligation to my boyfriend chokes it every time and I end up attacking him in my sleep or something awful. I've basically accepted that I will be alone by now

When I write I get a lot of attention because its on a public image board and I only used to do stuff in private, so this feels good but also like shit because I can't control myself in private. I've lured men in and had them burn themselves, cut themselves, hit themselves, and even got some actually suicidal ones that I had to leave right away. I've been diagnosed with obsessive narcissism, schizophrenia, OCP, and a bunch of other stuff from my doctor but I try to just take my medication and not think about it too much. The urges to control others through my writing are really strong, but I can only feel emotions through my characters, so I don't know what to do there either. I used to do bets and stuff, I would make guys act like dogs, or be a slave myself, I know it's not healthy but it's not any worse than all the gay shit I used to write. I can't just stop, otherwise it will be like dying

I would just stick to public writing but the dissonance between what I want out of a scene and what I KNOW I HAVE TO DO FOR MY PARTNER is too much to bear anymore. I'm not reckless enough to keep up with the hyper violent masochistic scenes I used to do, but I can't actually enjoy any written intimacy anymore because I'm so fucked up. I used to, I used to be able to feel sexy and cool and loved and powerful and wounded but strong but I just can't anymore

Does anyone else hate that you have to be what men want to see you as, just to get your feelings acknowledged? I don't want to feel like sex is whats expected of me anymore but that reality is just too close for me to deny anymore and I can't find where I can be happy with it

All I really do these days is talk to the one guy that respects me and watch movies and games together, but I know if we took things further I would just fuck them up