/hb/ - Health & Beauty

Secretly bulimic for 6 years, mainly free from it for another 6.
What helped me was getting therapy (not for my ED, for childhood trauma), going on a mood stabilizer, escaping my abusive family and moving with my boyfriend across the country, starting a new life.

It's still hella hard and I won't lie, I gained weight when I finally stopped. I've been slowly losing it over the years because if I lose too fast I relapse.

The most useful thing I learned while recovering is that food is a metaphor in your brain. Food can mean comfort, pain, shame, nurturing- it represents everything that's ever hurt you and you compartmentalize it into something easy to understand and process so you can fight it. I think that's true of all self-harm.

I developed disordered eating thanks to severe depression and used it as a form of self harm since my preteen years. Tbh I'm glad that I "only" developed disordered eating and not a full blown ED.

>What has helped you?
Having a bf that actually encouraged me to gain weight, not actively, but still. And fitness, which I think was a sort of "turning point" for me and my mindset about weight and food.

>How do you get by with these feelings?
I learned to ignore them or I try to be more rational/think logical. Doesn't always work but sometimes it helps.

>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think?
Bf is obviously happy to finally have a fit gf lol.
My mother however seems to be somewhat disappointed. She was really proud that her daughter was so thin and all the comments I got from people. Meanwhile she didn't understand that I was sick and really close to being life threatening underweight. She still keeps saying stuff like "you're gonna get fat if you eat so much", "gained some chub I see" - I try not to let it bother me but it really sucks that she doesn't understand how sick I really was. I'd understand her comments if she was thin herself, but she's not, she's normal weight and apple shaped so she looks almost overweight.
Other than that no one really cares about my weight, but I'm still low-key mad that my doctor never did or said anything about it. (I only recently realized that)

>Do you think you will recover? Are you in a recovery stage?
Mentally and completely? No. It still freaks me the fuck out that my BMI is close to 20, which I understand is absolutely normal and it probably should be higher but I can't help it.

Weight wise? Yes. I'm currently at the lower end of healthy and I'm doing my best to keep the weight on or even up it since I want more muscle mass, but damn it's really hard to eat unless I exercise. I wonder if I'll ever regain a "normal" appetite.

My ED was caused by the fact I was overweight-obese all my childhood and had to suffer through 10 years of bullying, the fact that I was academically talented student in a bad school and showed some autistic traits didn't helped. So when I finally got into one of the best schools in country and realized that I have no idea how to communicate with people and didn't understand why no one wants to be my friend, my stupid mind decided that I will find friends if I was skinny, plus it was quite good way for me to cope with alcoholism in family and all the problems it brought.

>What has helped you?

The recent close friend death, motivated me to get better and try to take care of myself more , plus my family encouragement took a big part in this.

>How do you get by with these feelings?

I try to constantly repeat to myself that what I'm doing is right and healthy, unlike my urges and I try to distract myself, even thought sometimes I need sleeping pill, because of all the anxiety from thinking about how I ate above my unhealthy cal intake.

>How do you keep going?

As I said earlier recently one of my closest friends died and his sudden death made me think about how I'm wasting my life while people who want to live don't get the chance, so I decided to change for him.

>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think?

My family knows about my struggle eating, even thought I never reached underweight status, I lost 40 lb and fucked up my health. So they are very happy I'm trying more healthy lifestyle and I'm happy cause I know that they are very worried about me.

Do you think you will recover? Are you in a recovery stage?

I believe I will, but I know it will be hard…

I've been dealing with disordered eating and body image for a long time and I really want to get better, but it's so incredibly hard. I've done a lot of work so far - I've stopped obsessively counting calories and weighting myself, but now I have a problem with overeating and just food in general. I feel like I've been disconnected from what my body really wants and needs for such a long time that I'm completely lost when it comes to food. I can't determine what I really like to eat, I don't understand what is healthy and what is not, I don't know when I'm hungry and I don't know when to stop eating once I start.

I've gained 20 pounds and it makes me feel really insecure. I'd like to lose it properly and just live and eat healthy, but I'm so lost and I don't know how. I'm scared that if I start restricting again, I'll end up where I begun. I can't see a nutritionist because I don't have enough money, and I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this.

>>1402
Hey I'm >>1401, I kinda have the same problem, but bit by bit I'm trying to learn and enjoy food again. The thing that really helped me was to kinda make a list of what other people deems as healthy and go forwards from there. Another thing that helps to not think about calories is portion size control, like having a normal plate and 3 times a day filling it with various food and try to work out for a bit, but instead of thinking about your weight while doing exercise, try to enjoy it and do it at your own pace!

Another big thing that helps mentally is concentrating on something other in your life and reaching it, cause believe it or not your weight isn't the most important thing and it never will be. Take care of yourself mentally and the body you want will come by itself, cause the only thing that can live in healthy body is healthy mind.

Btw if you need someone to talk to or a friend, we can find a way to communicate :) I believe in you anon!

OP here, just sort of made the post and ran away because I got nervous.

I've been thin since I was in elementary school, which I think made me want to stay thin as I went through puberty, so I started making conscious decisions to eat less, skip meals, and do weird things like that. I feel like being skinny is a part of my identity and if I lose that, I don't have anything unique or exciting about me, since I'm pretty average, boring, or middling otherwise.

My ED has gotten extremely bad over the past few years, exacerbated heavily by my relationship. There's a lot going on there, I guess. Control, wanting to be thinner or different from other girls. Depression. My boyfriend has called me fat. I wasn't ever really fat, though.

I want a better distraction than focusing on myself physically, but my life feels very empty. I worry that this disorder comes from being very superficial.

>What has helped you?
Just remembering that objectively, what I see in the mirror isn't true and that I have people that love me. That eating a meal will provide me with nutrients that I need to get work done and live.

>How do you get by with these feelings?
Doing something that will distract me in the moment. Going outside in the sun.

>How do you keep going?
Sorry for the same question three times in row, lol.

>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think?
I don't know who knows. Sometimes I wonder who can tell by looking at me? My family knows, I guess, because I was hospitalized for fainting sort of recently.

>Do you think you will recover? Are you in a recovery stage?
I don't think it will happen soon, or at least while I am in this mental state.

>>1403
Hello kind anon, thanks so much for your words. I'll try to focus more on portion size control, because overeating makes me feel sluggish, tired and just plain bad. I'll try to use one plate of medium to small size and fill it up… with nutritious food, i guess? Some salads? I'm not sure about this part, honestly. I hope I'll work something out.

I have a big problem with snacking and snacks in general, I binge on them very easily if I don't pay close attention to myself, which I usually don't do.

I don't like working out, but I'm a pretty sporty person and I'm keen on running, so that's not an issue. But I don't really have a bigger goal in life to concentrate on and I'm pretty apathic to everything. I have suicidal thoughts too, and if I didn't know that I'll hurt people if I do, I'd be long dead by now. It's not like I hate myself or something, I do have mental health issues, obviously, but this is different. Life just isn't worth much to me.

And I'd actually love to talk to you, anon, it'd be great. Thanks a lot.

>>1405

Hey dear anon it's me again :D You say life isn't really worth much to you now, but I really believe we can talk it through!

https://discord.gg/EmnMRg

Here is discord server I made, anon I specially invite you to join, but to anyone reading this, every miner who wants friends or just someone to talk to about their life, interests and etc. can feel free to join! It can be our special little tea party!

>>1406
It expired!

>>1407

https://discord.gg/7zqMqj

Sorry stupid me, I only recently started to use discord :P

>>1408
I'm >>1402 - the discord expired again…

I've been diagnosed bulimic but I think my doctor was wrong and I think I have Binge eating disorder.

>What has helped you?
I only limit my meals to one meal a day, It lets me binge but I often get sick quicker before eating too much.
> How do you get by with these feelings
Whenever I want to binge I eat celery or boiled water and put the seasoning to ramen in it and drink it
>How do you keep going
Realize that it's okay to eat, but it's not okay to eat more than one meal in a sitting. I have to know what normal people eat and not what i want
>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think
My parents think it's normal as all teens and young girls have eating disorders i'll get over it
>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think
I'm trying to lose weight so I have set backs with it, I don't think I'm in recovery and I likely wont get help for a few months because I'm not in mental health.

I wish I knew what a normal day of food looked like. I don't know if what I'm eating is normal or not. My family is mostly overweight and therefore tries to eat less than normal, and my boyfriend tries to eat over 3,000 calories, so I have no one to look to.

I have a terrible habit of wanting to eat one meal a day if what I eat is considered "bad," like pizza or a burger, or a large meal at a restaurant. Is it always bad to eat one meal a day if it's super calorie-laden? Is this just ED-thinking?

I need help, ladies. Could someone look at some of these meals and tell me if I'm off track or what? Under a spoiler because I have no clue if this is bad or not. Feel free to delete if this is weird.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with banana, coffee with milk
Lunch: Tuna salad with kale
Dinner: Chicken quesadilla w/ veggies

Breakfast: Yogurt with granola, coffee with milk
Lunch/dinner: Burger at a restaurant
Snack: Almonds or something small

Breakfast: Clif bar
Lunch: Sandwich with deli meat and spinach
Dinner: Broccoli, chicken
Snacks: Apple, yogurt

Breakfast: Coffee with milk
Lunch/dinner: Eel rice bowl at Japanese restaurant
Snacks: Maybe some fruit

I feel like this isn't terrible but I'm mentally ill so I don't know if I can't see it or not.

>>1411
It might be hard but I think you should strive to eat three meals a day, each time eating until you feel decently full.

It's hard to judge if those meals are enough or not because we don't have a sense of portioning and everyone's metabolism is different.

>>1412
I should have added some sort of measurements, sorry.

It's like, a can of tuna, a chicken breast, a half cup of broccoli, plastic cup of yogurt you find at the store, an oatmeal packet. Single serving type deals. All fruit is one full apple, one full banana.

I do feel better when I'm eating lighter, smaller-portioned meals throughout the days, versus the one big, heavy meal, which tends to make me bloated and feel groggy. I honestly I hate eating out certain places for this reason, but I can't always avoid it. My boyfriend really loves this type of food.

I'm just venting at this point. You're right, though.

>>1411
As long as it isn't all meat and cheese and candy, you're good. An adult woman with average activity needs about 2700 kcal, but there just aren't enough food studies to know exactly how many calories each food has, and the amount of energy used to boil water isn't really the same way energy works inside a human being.

You're going to spend at least 1500 by breathing and digesting depending upon your intestinal length and how complex it is to process what you ate. Just make sure you have enough that your body won't slowly cannibalize its organs, so I'd go for two burgers or sandwiches instead of one. If you can't do that, try to snack between meals, please.

>>1414
>An adult woman with average activity needs about 2700 kcal

Yeah if shes like 6 feet tall! Thats a LOT of calories, you shouldnt be giving that advice freely. Anon should go online to one of those pages that calculate the amount of calories they need per day DEPENDING ON their weight/height and age. Pls.

>>1415
Yeah I guess I forgot to mention I am really tall. But generally, calories can't be accurately 'calculated', especially by a generator that won't account for conditions and race and specifics. You have to see a nutritionist to really know a good diet plan. Its better to just eat (non-fried/plant based) food whenever you feel hungry and don't eat when you aren't hungry.

>>1416
Eating lean meat is good, too.

>>1416
It's a better estimate than suggesting an average woman needs 2700 kcal ffs

>>1418
Don't worry, I wasn't taking that advice anyway.

>>1418
okay I'll be more specific: if youre vegan, workout 40 mins a day, 1.78cm tall, and eat 2500 kcal you won't gain or lose weight. or you can just eat healthy stuff whenever you feel hungry
>>1417
yeah but you can eat way more if its vegan

>>1420
AAA don't assume everyone is vegan

>>1421
I didn't, i just mean you can eat a whole pan of water fried veggies and squashes and a fruit and a side salad to get full or one single slice of meat and cheese to get full. I think its boring to eat processed packaged stuff but I understand why one would choose either option

It's taken me a while to realise it but I think I have some kind of binge eating disorder (although not diagnosed, I haven't seen a professional about it yet). I eat when I'm sad to cheer myself up, I eat when I'm happy to celebrate, I eat when I'm nervous to distract myself, I can't watch tv/films/youtube videos without feeling like I should be snacking on something, I eat when I'm bored to entertain myself, I eat when I'm socalising, I eat when I'm left at home with food in the house and I'm lonely, I eat to reward myself for studying/after having a rough time, I eat to punish myself and I encourage others to eat so I don't feel left out but I'm also ashamed of eating around others. Food, in a lot of cases, is the only thing that makes me happy. I don't have many friends and the relationships I have with my friends aren't very close (we might meet up like once a year at a party and never speak again). I don't have any hobbies because things like playing guitar and painting stress me out (all I can think about is how shit I am, it's not enjoyable or relaxing for me and I just avoid trying new things because of how much I criticise myself). Like food is genuinely everything I have right now. When I've had a bad day, there's nothing that makes me more excited than knowing there's a warm, comforting takeaway on its way.

I also go on diets regularly which don't work because I just binge when I come off one. I've quite literally done every trendy diet that has come out over the last 10 years. I've tried just eating "normally" (giving myself a balance between healthy food and a few small treats regularly) and I was still gaining weight so I think I've just fucked up my metabolism from the combination of binging and starving myself.

It wasn't too much of a big deal for years but recently I've started to notice how much it's ruining my life. Before, I enjoyed going shopping and trying on clothes and now I can't fit into clothes from some stores and anything I do fit into looks shit because it shows off my fat legs or arms or the rolls on my stomach. I used to love swimming and going to waterparks but now I can't find swimsuits that cover my stomach. I used to meet up with my friends and go on nights out but I refuse all the time now because I don't want them to see me eating and I'm afraid they'll think about how I've gotten bigger since the last time they've seen me.

Idk what to do. I know they say that when you have a problem like this, there's probably another underlying problem but I don't feel like I have one?

basically everyone I know says I have BDD, but I don't see it (I suppose that's to be expected)

>What has helped you?
taking concrete data about my size, i.e., measurements, and comparing those measurements with something I am not insecure about (like the circumference of my head)
>How do you get by with these feelings?
I just let them happen. in any case they help me eat less and stay in shape.
>How do you keep going?
I don't understand the question? I just do, the whole world can't stop because I think I'm a whale lol
>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think?
always telling me I'm underweight and delusional etc etc, but they aren't the ones who have to look at me every day
>Do you think you will recover? Are you in a recovery stage?
I honestly don't really want to recover. it doesn't affect my life too much and it keeps me alert if that makes any sense

Echhkk I hate doing this but I need a place to vent. I am a recovered bulimic. When I was in the thrall of it I became underweight and didn't notice until family and boyfriend started yelling at me for being a skelly. I literally didn't know, I looked in the mirror and saw this vague flesh-coloured blur but I couldn't define its size.
When I began to recover I was diagnosed with various mental problems and put on medication. It really helped and I stopped purging but over 2 or so years I started putting on heaps of weight. The medication made me super hungry and tired so I was binging without purging. I changed meds to something less shitty but now I'm stuck being overweight.
The worst part, honestly, is I still can't see how big I am. I look at my clothes and they're really big but in the mirror I still only see that vague blur.
I'm trying to diet but even healthy calorie restriction pushes me to binge and I can only exercise for a little while at a time because my medication gives me vertigo and I have a stupid problem with my back caused by an injury so walking is really painful.
I'm really lost. When I think about how big I am I want to cry and losing weight would really help my back and encourage me to go outside more. I know this is grim but life is getting really hard for me and I really don't know what to do at this point.
My brain keeps telling me to purge but my damaged teeth and my fucked up throat say 'no'.
What the hell can I even do.

anorexia has really taken over my life these past 3 years and I'm not doing so great in life. Work and school are definetely suffering because of it, relationships too

TFW all of these people talk about how getting a boyfriend helped them and here i am getting rejected by everyone i ever like.
feels bad man.

I have BDD and it got much worse this year, i just want to cry whenever i think about my appearance.
Doesnt help that i am Actually Unnatractive.

Worst days i just want to poke my eyes out with a fork, or kill myself.
I feel like you always need to support for these kinds of illnesses to get better but im all alone.(my family is abusive and i dont have friends)

I would be thankful if i died.

DAE have literally no fucking clue what they actually look like? I swear in the same day I've gotten upset about having a face that is too long and then a face that is too wide, or looking too fat or not looking like I have any curves. literally I have no clue how anyone sees me

>>2547
rip sorry to hear anon
I have a bf but it hasn't helped at all, it's actually really not helping. Sometimes i feel like it makes things worse.
My ex used to lecture me more about my ED and one day dropped photos of us together 2 years ago versus now and that triggered the fuck out of me and created resentment, then I left him.

After a few months without dieting properly and 2 months of binge eating, I'm a little bit heavier than when I decided I would get my shit together. This "bit" I'm talking about is 3kg, but it feels like 30. I feel like killing myself, honestly. I'm bulimic and this is messing up with me so much. Sorry for being dramatic, but shit. I'm literally crying right now. I still wanna lose at least 10kg (plus these stupid 3kg) because I am overweight, hopefully I will next year, but I wish I could do it healthily, not like this. Fuck, I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. Only people who suffer from disordered eating could possibly understand how bad I feel right now but I'm sure the rest of the world would think I'm overreacting.

And I feel bad and guilty deep down inside because I know they'd think that about me. I just want to live normally without obsessing about my gross body fat and not obsessing over food all the time. I wish I had a normal relationship with it.

I look disgusting. Everyone says I look disgusting but I know I'm disgusting disgusting

- don't starve by just eating lettuce
- don't eat junk food every single day
- cardiovascular exercise "cardio" like jogging and biking reduces depression, find at least 25 minutes each day to walk or jog or bike
- cardio improves your health

>>2589

This gif makes me so uncomfortable. First because it looks like she has worms and secondly because I feel like I am looking at someone's fapping material.

>>2590
OP said "no pro-ana" pictures.

Fortunately there are people beating anorexia out there.
Just don't overdo it!

>>2589
Do you know what's wrong with her? I'm like her and my doctors keep playing on a record player "it's stress just exercise and eat better". Fuck public healthcare annoys me you get so many SHIT "doctors".

I'm pretty sure I'm in recovery. I slowed down on the drug use and Tumblr, which helped a lot.

>>2589
>>2614
Is the belly beer related?

>>2614
They have no significant muscle mass on their arms and legs, and they carry all of the fat on their stomach zone

>>2635
Most likely a diet rich in carbs and fat

Fallon is a personal trainer who started eating bad on purpose and gained 40 lbs in 4 months due to the unhealthy diet rich in carbs and empty calories (and beer is mostly empty calories, 6 beers a week means 15 lbs of fat in a year).

It doesn't matter how much you go to the gym if you start eating garbage all day.

Can we vent?

Fuck, anons, I'm fat. I'm 20 kgs fatter than my lowest weight and all my cute clothes are from my lowest weight. Hardly anything fits me anymore.

I feel like such a wanna when I complain about this, too. Just stop eating like you did before… how hard can it be? But it's like I can't think, I'm just doing my thing and next thing I know I already ate a thousand calories

>>2646
It's a hard process anon but you can do it! Start using my fitness pal you'll be surprised at how many calories some things can have. The people who say "just stop eating" are of course, unsympathetic because they haven't gone through it themselves.

>>2641
>>2635
Thank you! Hmm perhaps! I don't think I drink too much to be honest, but definitely more than previously. I might try to cut carbs and putting oil in stuff.

I feel disgusting too >>2573
I can't even look at my own reflection without feeling I want or cry or throw up. My ED is going crazy today and I feel like dying. I fucking mean it. This isn't a life I can live happily.

>>2646
I don't have an eating disorder, but I hear you on the clothes. UGH! I also gained 20kg (although I've lot 10kg). At my higher weight I've had buttons pop off from sitting. Even know, I've had the stitching on (expensive, designer, high-quality……….)skirts literally split or begin the split (I can hear it).

Never had this happen before. Then there is my thighs rubbing together. People kept acting like being big is great and talking about how great they feel in their bodies so I didn't think gaining weight was a big deal…now I regret it. These people must never have been thin. It's uncomfortable as fuck, especially in warm weather.

I'm cutting down my snacking as a means to help stop. Perhaps getting rid of snacks could help, because I have the same issue of eating out of habit/boredom/stress/basically not because I'm hungry. Also, I've cut my antidepressant to 2.5mg every 3 or 4 days. I think even the lowest prescribed dose is too high for me, built up in my system, and caused my weight gain. :(

>>2649
Consistency is key, and counting calories is not really necessary if you know what you're doing.

Make sure you don't drink your calories, which means you have to prefer eating a real orange instead of drinking orange juice.

Ditch the colas and drink water instead.

Reduce alcohol or cut it out entirely.

Find a way to incorporate movement in your daily like, for example walk more and use your bicycle more.

Follow a strength training program at a gym to gain muscle mass, which also has the added benefit of stabilizing the skeleton and can help prevent back pain in certain cases.

Cardio like jogging and biking are helpful in keeping your general health in check and train the heart and lungs. It also helps reduce the stress of everyday life; modern life is so stressful that it has been shown that even just watching fish in a fish tank can reduce stress.

>>2589
no offense but its condescending as hell to give textbook diet advice in an ED venting thread

so today was not an easy day, just trying to cope with my feelings but I still feel anxious and distressed in my head. eating has been hard

Posting magazine-tier diet tips alongside photos of chubby women in an ED thread does seem like trolling or at least bait. Unless this is your intention, kindly stop or we'll start banning.

If this is your kind of inspiration, feel free to make a thread for it, just leave it out of this one.

I'm struggling so much. I wish I didn't have an ED, it's taking over my entire life and I feel powerless and miserable.

>>2721
here for you anon, christmas has really stressed the fuck out of me

>>2738
Why are you stressed?

>>2738
Thank you anon. January will be a terrible month ED wise, I can feel it.

I'm going to vent just to get a few things off my chest. I've never taken the time to type about this before so apologies if it's long-winded.

I have a compulsive binge eating disorder that gets triggered when I experience anxiety and depression.
It sucks to be fat and have an ED because it's a mainstream belief that disordered and obsessive eating is just a moral failing when you're big. Nobody cares to ask me what's my deal, they just assume I eat twinkies and never made attempts to exercise.
I've always had a disordered relationship with food. Some memories, to name a few:

>Thought any food would cause choking when I was little so I started to do chew-and-spit so as not to swallow food. When I started to lose weight–my mom caught me regurgitating a potato–she took me to the doctor. I hated the doctor because I thought I was being punished, so I felt forced to eat even when I wasn't hungry from that point forward until I associated that with positivity; that food would make me gain weight and ergo 'healthy.' I remember the scale hitting 100 in the 3rd grade and congratulating myself. I was shamed for not finishing food.

>Started to eat double meals because I would have weekend visitation with my biological father at his house, and then the rest of the time at my mother's house. Meal times were some of the only times I recall feeling relaxed. Bio dad didn't give a shit about feeding me right so we'd eat a lot of fast food and carryout, when I'd get back to my mom's in time for dinner I'd eat her homecooked meals because they were better. When I started to put on weight as a preteen, my bio dad deprived me of food. He scolded me about how boys wouldn't find me attractive, and insisted I do manual labor around his house which was often pointless shit like moving wooden beams and logs. The deprivation caused resentment, and whenever I'd make it back to my mom's I'd binge eat. I associate restriction with self-hate and anger, even when I know rationally it's not.

>Maternal grandmother thought that people should eat whenever they feel bad. I remember kids picking on me during sports for my weight, and if I'd ask my mom or grandma if I was fat. They'd insist it was "baby fat" and offer me food because I was clearly depressed. My grandmother was also obese (but a thin woman in younger age) so when they gave me that mid aughts platitude about fatness being 'genetic' I had no reason to not believe based on what grandma looked like. I associated eating with feeling better during depression.

I could go on, but I think these three were the most formative in developing my relationship with food. I've struggled a lot.

Truth be told: I managed to get myself down to 150 from 230 in 2014, which was the thinnest I'd been in my entire life. But I was overexercising and only eating a lipton cup-of-soup (50 cals each) and water daily to do it. Unsweetened almond milk was a special treat of 30 cals. Yet even then, I still thought I was a fat sack of shit. I made the mistake of sleeping with one guy who proceeded to shitpost about me on 4chan stating how fat I was despite seeing pictures of me and always having the ability to say no? Regardless, I doubled down on my self-loathing. I fantasized (and still do) about taking a scalpel and cutting off my excess arm fat and belly apron.

–

Later on, I developed some kind of acid reflux where I'd throw up every meal. and at first I thought that was great, but the acid would involuntarily purge out during my sleep unless I slept with a pillow propping up my head at all times. I couldn't hold down water even if I drank it 4 hours prior to bed.
People thought I was bulimic, having to excuse myself to the bathroom after a few bites of food. After awhile, I'd go about my day with a constant burning sensation. I'd drink things like milk to combat the acid, and started to overeat again because I started to feel deprived and depressed. Certain foods would help sop up the acid, and 'pass' through my stomach easier than others. I slowly started to gain weight. The acid reflux went away (probably wasn't getting enough nutrients), but I went back to old eating habits. A new job caused me to stress more, and I used mental exhaustion as an excuse to stop exercising.
This started two years ago.

These days I weigh as much as 260 and it feels hopeless. Cooking is the only thing that makes me feel joy, and even though everyone compliments my food, I feel like the stereotypical fatty posting about it.
I don't keep any sweets/carbs in the apartment but I have overeating habits.
The meals I make would be absolutely fine in reasonable portions, but I just binge and indulge and repeat the cycle of hating myself for it. I refuse to go outside and exercise because I don't care to be seen, and only leave my apartment for work and other chores.

It's how people treat me now that gets me down the most.

When I was thinner I made a lot of superficial friends. Many won't engage with me anymore because I don't get dressed up and attend community meetups due to my weight gain.

Another friend, who I helped escape an abusive relationship, confessed to me in a one-on-one a month ago that she didn't like me when she met me because I was "too pretty." And it was heavily implied that I was no longer so because of my weight so she felt more comfortable around me. That hurt.

I was a bridesmaid for a friend's wedding this past summer, and I was forced to cram myself into a designer dress because the series only went up to a certain size and they didn't do fittings. Dress couldn't be altered. I paid $200 for an unlfattering dress I will never wear again.
The wedding was a full year later and I hadn't lost weight. Initially, the bride said I could wear a shawl because the dress was sleeveless and I hate my chunky arms. I went through the trouble of finding one to match the dress fabric. But a minute before I was the first to walk out on the aisle, she tells me I wasn't allowed to wear the shawl so everyone would "match." I had a panic attack, she insisted that the shawl "wouldn't make a difference anyway." Because, you know, I'm a fat sack of shit who didn't deserve the slight security. It wasn't about me thinking it made me look slimmer, it was about covering up. I looked awful and felt dismissed. That hurt.

Then this other girl (pic related) had always been super competitive against me for no reason whatsoever. She doesn't have many girlfriends and tbh I think she views me as a rival even though I've always been nice. One time we had a shopping day at the mall and she insisted we go to stores without a plus section, not that I cared. She proceeded to fish me for compliments in every dress she tried on. Like I'd tell her she looked nice in a dress and she would literally say "ANON I KNOW." I tried some stuff on for funsies with no high hopes that they'd fit, they didn't. She said she'd 'find something for me' as if I were a fat peasant in rags when I really wasn't interested in buying. She has a way of reminding me every now and then about how I'm the designated fat friend and she's the one with the superior body even though she's frankly overweight as well.

I'm not bringing up these events to sound like the most persecuted person on the planet. But it's the subtle jabs and reminders that wear me down the most.
Just…I fucking hate myself. And I'm constantly reminded as to why I should. I only feel valued when I'm ornamental, and when I'm not I'm just unsightly, bloaty trash. How am I supposed to like myself or tell myself I'm worthy when I experience this shit?
How do you love yourselves?

I wish I had a fellow fat friend to commiserate with and potentially work on goals together. I have plans, but I'm afraid of failure again.

>>2743
Anon, your post made me cry. I am >>2721 and many things you said apply to my life too. I started just like that, eating my feelings. Most of the time to the point I'd vomit due to eating so much so fast. It's definitely not like just a regular fat person who indulges in too much pasta and candy and don't exercise. People just don't get it unless they're in this situation too, but I don't really care about what they think of it anymore.
I remember my comfort eating habits starting early in life too, when I was maybe 7. My mother would leave the house or see me crying for some reason and immediately give me treats. I also remember someone close saying "you have to eat, eat makes us feel better". Since the age of 13 or 14 I've been struggling with BED and chewing and spitting, and restricting on occasion. I developed full blown bulimia two years ago in my 20s. This year I dropped from 209lbs to 158lbs. I think I've gained 4lbs recently but I'm not sure, I'm trying not to step on the scale for now because I plan on starting fresh in 2018. I want to lose at least 20lbs+. I know I'm still at a normal weight, it's my habits and behavior that are not healthy and cause me to suffer.
If you ever want to talk about how you feel please give me a throwaway account so I can contact you, I have lots of memories about being fat and disgusting too but I don't feel ok about sharing them so openly. If not it's ok too, I'm truly wishing you the best.

>>2743
I'm so sorry anon. I spent ages 13 to 19 going through a similar hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm no longer severely affected by eating disorder symptoms but it still sticks and I've held a heart out to fat kids…… Nobody really holds space for you if you aren't underweight and also have an ED.

I wish the best for you and I promise as long as you keep looking forward and focusing on being kind to yourself, you'll get better. It feels so fucking slow trying your hardest every day but getting to a point in your life where you realize you aren't using as much energy into thinking about your body and food is so so good.

I've been in denial about it for a while, but I need to acknowledge that I have been binge eating a lot more than I am willing to admit. The weight gain has not been really drastic, but it is noticeable and that is starting to manifest in comments about myself to mostly my bf.
I am not sure how to proceed other than trying to manage the underlying emotions that cause overeating and picking up better fitness habits (though not focused only on losing the weight, I want to be stronger and leaner). But at the same time, I do not know if I am ready to really address the mental stuff that motivates the physical stuff……

I don't know where else to ask this so here it goes: last year I didn't consume any simple carbs for months as well as dairy. Maybe 4-5 mo. And I felt fantastic!!!

I've restarted eating them again maybe two or three months ago. I couldn't even take a dump in the first week, it was terrifying. Months have passed but I still feel sick in the stomach when I have simple carbs. I can go to the bathroom no problem, but I feel pain in my stomach as if something "heavy" and "hard" was sitting there. Is this normal?

Also dairy has made me break out really badly lately… I'm thinking about switching to soy and other plant milks for good.

>>2743
I wish I could hug you anon it's not easy to have BED fuck everyone god
>>2789
you sound constipated try fiber DON'T touch laxatives

well january is finally here and guess who's relapsing :DDD

>>2790
Thanks anon, maybe that's really the problem.

>>2791
It's only begun, keep at it! I'd say to try to beat how long you went for last time. And keep trying to best your last achievement so that you will always be improving.

I'm afraid of eating anymore today. I've had 1.150 calories according to MFP which is ok if you're small and on a diet but I didn't eat them normally, i binged at 3 am. I feel like shit and I don't want to eat over 1,200 so I'll probably drink water and tea and take sleep medicine at night after I come home so I can pass out… I'm a fucking trainwreck.

>>2794
If you binged, it's probably because you're not eating enough calories. I know it's hard to increase calories, but you can try, I believe in you anon !
And you could maybe do a little sport routine so you can increase much more your calories without feeling like you haven't "spent" them well ?

>>2796
Thank you, anon. Increasing calories is really the scariest part for me unless I'm binge eating. I'll try to start doing some sport so I can have more though..

I hate myself, I hate that I don’t have a normal relationship with food. I wish my life wasn’t either bingeing nonstop or restricting to the point of passing out. Last year around august I got to my lowest weight through severe restriction where I was eating less than 100 calories a day while having a very physical job. I was miserable and angry the whole time but the more bones I saw really drove me to keep restricting and fasting, but then my dad had a heart attack (he’s fine now btw) and my grandmother passed away and everything became a clusterfuck of stress. I’ve binge eating nonstop since September and have gained easily over 40 pounds. I’m so disappointed and disgusted with myself. I have new stretch marks and I’m so fucking embarrassed by how my body looks now. I’ve started restricting again now that the holiday stress is over and all I want to do is EAT EAT EAT!

>>2857
Minus the part about your grandma, that's the story of my life. Every word. I'm sorry anon. I'm in the same situation, so at least you're not alone. I wish I could change my brain.

Can anyone offer me any advice? I'm really desperate and I'll take anything at this point…

My usual eating pattern is to "starve" during the week (eat only one meal but it usually makes me tired and hard to concentrate at work) and then allow myelf a day or two to binge at the weekend. Basically, I just have a good meal, a few drinks and some chocolate which I don't think is too bad? I feel like I deserve something after a stressful week or a bout of depression/anxiety or a week of telling myself that I shouldn't eat because I'm fat/ugly. I used to eat "normally" force-feeding myself fruit, veg and grains I didn't like and allowing myself to have a little, controlled treat within my calorie allowance and that was more difficult than how I eat now tbh.

Anyway, I've never lost weight and it's driving my insane. I've spoken to multiple doctors who asked me if I have ever been to a weight loss group (I have), recommended the pill (tried it, didn't cause weight loss) and gave me a meal plan (which is pointless because I'm vegan lol). My mom also lost a lot of weight recently due to an eating disorder and I'm tempted to ask her how she did it but I know it was due to an ED and I know it would be wrong but I'm so desperate… I feel like if we have the same genetics and that's what it took for her to lose her weight, then maybe that's what I need too?

I'm really at a loss for what else I can try. I'm really desperate because I think I'm very, very ugly and I want to go back to looking like I did when I was a teenager. I'm worried about my health, I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.

>>2863
Get to know some things about balanced diets and fitness.

I hate how the reality of how I look is nothing like how I perceive myself to look like in my head. Fuck me. Sometimes, it gives me empathy for people like Dakota. I can't imagine trying to pursue being a model while I feel like every photo of me is "wrong" and not the "real" me when in reality, it's the opposite.

>>2865
I also hate how I feel like any women my weight or heavier is fat. I'm 5'4'' and around 100 lbs (sometimes more, sometimes even less). Like, you're only skinny if you're skinnier than me and I want to be you. I hate how when I started puberty I was 60 lbs and I increased. I remember freaking out over the weight increase. I'm not technically anything, but I refuse to gain weight, though I think I'd actually be curvier like I want to if I did gain weight. I hate my superficiality.

>>2864
I did a group weight loss thing for about two years where they very carefully monitor what you eat and you have to measure your fruit, veg, carbs and milk every day. They review what you've eaten but the person I was paying to do that didn't really offer much help (she told me to eat more? lolno). I also got really into taking classes at the gym a few years back (it was a year membership and you could go to as many as you liked so I went to three a week and the pool afterwards to make good use out of it because it wasn't cheap lol).

Like I paid professionals to help me and it didn't help. I feel like shit.

Was any of you diagnosed with bdd by a professional?

I don't believe people, I really don't. I see myself as a monster. My mom and boyfriend are baffled by the way I seem to see myself. But I don't believe them. I think I'm massive, huge and disgusting looking. How do I know they're not lying and that I can see the truth they don't because they're blind by their love for me? Like wtf man. Sorry if my post doesn't make any sense but this is so hard. Idk if I'm crazy for thinking the way I do. I just feel so utterly disgusting and gross. So fat. And idk how true that is in the real world. I know I realistically need to drop a bit of weight according to my BMI but even then it's definitely not what I see in the mirror…

>>2871
I doubt they would just be outright lying to you. You're not really 'crazy', but you might be just a bit too hard on yourself.

>>2872
I really am, not only in this specific situation but in many areas of my life, unfortunately. I don't think they're lying on purpose, I think their love for me make them see me different than I am. Idk.

>>2871
I have bdd too, it started when I was very young from bullying at school and when I got home I would get verbally abused by my step family. Felt like everywhere I went people would make fun of my looks and weight despite not being fat at all (throughout my childhood I was around 60-70 pounds) and it didn't help when my sister posted pictures of me on facebook without my permission– her friends kept making fun of me and said alot of degrading things about my appearance. When I grew up I consulted with two plastic surgeons, one rejected me because he suspected I had bdd and the other doctor was just a dickhead so I never went back. It's kinda ironic how my family wonders why I want to get cosmetic surgery, my sister especially is against it when she contributed to it.

Anyone have any tips on to cope with urges to binge eat?

I know that to begin with, I should not buy or have foods that I have a tendency to binge in the house (chips, salty snacks for me). But how do you deal with the emotions that wear on your self-control? What activities do you do to distract yourself from thinking about tempting foods?

>>3000
Bumping because I need help with this too…

>tfw my waist is bigger by 1 inch from before
I know it's just period bloating but I want to die

the other day i overheard two friends of mine complain about being fat. they are both my height but thinner than i could ever be. one said she feels huge at 100lbs and the other bragged about being under that. i feel like a giant fucking whale next to them, and i am torn between never eating again or giving up and just eating whatever because im always going to be slightly chubby and unsightly. i have a horrible boxy body shape, no ass whatsoever, misshappen lumpy pancake tits, jiggly arms, a gut, and stubby legs. i want a do over. i have the worst body ever. no mans ever going to want me like this, im just someone a guy settles for because he cant get with my friends.

>>3005
They just wanted to humble brag. Try not to let them affect you and focus on yourself, anon. Fuck them.

spoilered bc idk if it'll trigger anyone bc these are super negative thoughts and they might be construed as humblebragging

I want to fucking die. my whole life i've been underweight and i weighed myself on a whim today because i've thought i've been gaining weight recently. i've just reached average bmi and i feel fucking disgusting and it's so frustrating because it's not that i look at myself and think ugly, it's just, i feel disgusted i've allowed myself to get so far and it's such a personal failure of mine. fuck me. i need to get my shit together.

>>3114
not that i don't think i'm ugly, it's just annoying because i've told the only person i'm going to tell because i'm so embarrassed i can't mention this to any other human being who knows me (even they don't know the weight because i'm so fucking grossed out by it) and they keep on trying to tell me that i'm pretty or whatever and it's like, that's not the fucking point, i feel even more worthless now because of a number.

I've had body issues all my life. My bf follows this girl on ig. If her body is real I legit wanna kill myself because I'll never look like that. And that drives me crazy.

>>3324
I fucking hate how you can be thin and toned, but you can't magically grow hips or boobs or whatever. It feels like body ideals were at least attainable in the fast few decades, but now it feels unattainable without the help of fucking smoke and mirrors.

>>3325
Yeah it sucks. My sense of reality is fucked. I don't know anymore what a real body is supposed to look like. A super thin, toned, petite hourglass body is fucking unattainable for me and I feel inferior because of that. It's ridiculous how I love to torture myself following ig accounts and comparing myself to the point of self-hate. And I'm not even sure if the bodies of those girls actually look like that irl.

My body issue isn't exactly related to my weigh, it's related to my skin.
I'm what people call "mixed race", I'm kind of "light brown" skinned (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pardo_Brazilians) and I hate it since I was a child. I always wanted to be like pic related.
I just can't open myself about it with ANYONE because people always call me a racist. I'm not racist, I don't hate people because of skin color or whatever, I just wish I was of another race and nobody understand that. And I never suffered any racism my entire life, by the way.
First, I don't think I'm ugly, not at all. I look at the mirror everyday and see a healthy and pretty girl (people often compliment my looks too). I feel like I was born in the wrong body and I feel super stupid about it.
I also tried to be positive about myself multiple times but it never works.

>>3324
Sorry to tell you anon, but that does look real. Posed, staged, and angled to the max, but real. I'd probably dump by bf if he followed accounts like this tbh, it's not like she posts anything very interesting, even her clothing style is basic and boring. Her profile is 100% "look how hot I am" and nothing else.

>>3329
Hey, her boobs could be fake.

>>3330
They could, but I don't see how that makes a difference. They're not big, she just uses padding and tricks to make them seem big, it looks like a C cup.

>>3331
Lol I'm a 32D and there's no way my boobs will ever be that full in the center, RIP 12 year old girl shaped boobs

>>3324
If my boyfriend followed any other girls on fb that only had accounts like that where it's all about their appearance i'd dump him immediately. what the fuck. he should at least have the common courtesy to look at other women and hide it from you

>>3324
Don't know everything about your relationship (of course) but agree with other anons that your boyfriend mindfucking you like that is shitty and selfish. If you aren't following a bunch of sexy male models, he souldn't be doing the reverse. Maybe have a talk with him about it? Although it may be too late for your self esteem now that you know what he likes.

I also think that girl's proportions are uncanny valley, at least to me. I get that it's probably natural for her and ""ideal"" or whatever but it squicks me out or some reason. There comes a point where someone's waist-to-hip ratio is too cartoony and it's strange, especially if she's a thin girl.

>>3324
im so afraid to date because of this. im chubby and need to lose atleast 18 pounds but even then ill never look like this. and this is what men want. whats the point if dating if a man is just going to leave you the moment a thinner, curvier, girl comes along? no man will ever find me the prettiest. i hate myself and want to die.

>>3357
all you can do is your best anon, nobody is perfect

>>3357
When a guy is really in love he does see you as the prettiest. And honestly even if you aren't the prettiest, a guy who loves you just sees you as the best. fuck being the prettiest, a person loves you for who you are as a whole.

I suffer from an eating disorder, I have a hard time dealing with my appearance, but my boyfriend's loving reassurance that I'm beautiful means a lot to me because I know he's honest about what he is telling me. Maybe many men don't have this depth but some do.

Sorry if this is too romantic, I'm sure some people will think I'm wrong. It is true though, when a person loves you then you mean the world to them even with your little flaws.

>>3359
Reading this made me cry anon. You’re so lucky to have a partner like that in your life, and I’m very happy that you do. I really wish you all the luck and strength in the world to help battle your ED.

But I can’t imagine a guy ever caring for me in that way or seeing me as beautiful. The only dudes who compliment me are creeps who compliment any girl in hopes of getting sex from them. They don’t actually care. No guy will ever see me or love me in that way. My last boyfriend barely tolerated me, we didn’t even spend Valentine’s Day together, two years in a row because he didn’t care about me.

Maybe when I’m 100 pounds, I’ll atleast be thin enough to bring something to the table. All my friends are cute and thin and all the boys love them. I’m the ugly fat friend I know it.

>>3361
Thank you, anon! I appreciate it and I do hope things get easier on your end, too. I don't think the possibility of you finding a caring, loving partner is impossible because many people only find their special person after several shitty exes. It took me around 8 years.

I hope your next Valentine's can be spent with a much better person and that you will feel better in your skin x

>>3361
If it helps at all, anon, there's a guy I work with who's always talking about his gf and how much he loves her and she's quite the larger lady. He's supporting her financially because she struggles with her mental health, and it's clear that he sees it as no problem and would die for her.

I believe you'll find someone, just keep in mind that men all have different preferences, too! Some men prefer medium to big gals. You may not get the quantity that your pals get, but if you search hard enough there are definitely quality guys out there.

Sincerely, a single khhv girl who struggles a lot with this paranoia and insecurity as well.

>>3372
maybe my standards are too high…the type of guy i like will never like me. i should just settle for the next guy who is interested in me, i should me thankful for someone expressing interest in me.

>>3359
This is actually the opposite of what's true. If my boyfriend says I'm beautiful it's because he knows me and likes my personality, which distorts how attractive a person will find someone. There's also a sunken cost involved, since he's already made an investment in me and he doesn't want to believe he has bad taste. It's like when people end up feeling more positively about a product after they've purchased it, because they don't want to seem like they've thrown away their money.

I accept compliments from my boyfriend because it makes him happy, but I know they don't objectively mean anything. I can still be objectively ugly.

>>3387
This is why ill never date. Men lie for sex and will just leave you for a hotter or skinnier woman the moment one comes along. Unless you try your hardest to be the hottest, prettiest girl out there and are the perfect girlfriend what is the point….theres always going to be someone hotter/sexier/prettier that he would rather be with.

>>3387
>>3390
Good grief, listen to yourselves. This is essentially the reverse of trp-ers claims of female hypergamy. I know self-objectification and objectification of others comes with the nature of this thread, but men are more than walking dick zombies. And you are more than a product!

All people have the ability to reason, bond with, and make emotional connections with others. Men included. There are many shitty, superficial ones, I agree and have met many (my own father was one), but seeing them as a monolith is just going to depress you. There are some trends, but individuals are all different. And is knowing you aren't objectively perfect to everyone going to change the fact that your bf loves you as a person, has bonded with you, and reasons that leaving you would destroy him emotionally?

>inb4 mention of strange theoretical universe where the ideal woman throws herself at your bf in a vacuum so it's basically as if it didn't happen and there are no relationship risks
>I've been there
>I know this one

I know this won't help much, I'm just giving you the talk I wish someone would give me since I also sink to these same low thoughts over and over again. I know the problem lies in both your low self esteem and spending time focusing on negativity and shitty people rather than the good. Since I'd imagine you both see friendships this way, too. That all friends are waiting to find a better friend and will drop you asap. And neither of these internal issues you have will be easily overcome, they take time and heaps of effort.

The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that I understand and I hope you can find your way out of this way of thinking as well.

>>3392
I don’t see friendships that way at all. I love my friends, but all my friends are women so it’s different. I hate myself but i trust my friends with my life, they’re the most important people to me. They don’t care that I’m ugly or chubby because they arent sexually attracted to me.

>>3392
I'm not the people who you were talking with, but I agree with you. You're absolutely right about everything you said.

I suffer from an eating disorder and I have really shitty self esteem too, but some of you here seem to need professional help. Im not being mean, I am honest. I hope you can get it, so that you can feel better and see the world in a different way.

Not everyone is shallow as fuck or wants to fuck/date another woman just because she's "hotter" than you. Not every man is a penis with two legs, and there's more to attraction than just looks. On top of that, beauty can be relative as fuck, there are tons of men who like X over Y, and vice versa, even if that goes against the majority. What I'm saying is the truth. Period.
Maybe the people you have to deal with everyday are very shallow and superficial, that's why your pov is so warped right now.

>>3392
I'm >>3387. I never said anything about my boyfriend being someone who objectifies women. I wouldn't date someone if they did that. You've got me completely wrong.

>friendships
I don't care about friendships really. if they want to leave then they can leave. i don't waste time worrying about what other people think of me.

>Who else suffers from disordered eating and body image problems? BDD?
body image issues and random IF/OMAD episodes due to paranoia and sexual assault/abuse by the hands of bodyshaming guys
>What has helped you?
i try to eat healthy or eat things i know are low in calories/high in vitamins to make myself feel less shitty about eating food
>How do you get by with these feelings?
i try to distract myself from my own fasting impulses by scheduling hangouts with friends where we eat– i think pairing snacking and nice restaurant outings with social interaction and good times helps a lot
>How do you keep going?
sometimes i'm not even sure– sometimes i feel like i'm getting better but there are so many high and lows it's kind of a blur
>What do your family, friends, and loved ones think?
my family's pretty convinced i'm dramatic and faking (even when i lose ~15-20lbs in a two month period and then can barely get up without feeling like im dying lololol) but my friends and gf are really pro-recovery and trying their best to help me in my low points. i love them so much
>Do you think you will recover? Are you in a recovery stage?
i hope that i can learn to lose and maintain weight in a healthy way, but i don't know if healthy living is ever gonna be in the cards for me as someone with mental illness outside of EDs :( i'm trying my best but it's not easy.

i wish a successful recovery for everyone ITT!

ED community vent session. It may be triggering for some, so it's spoilered

I know EDs affect people with overweight to obese BMIs (I mean, BED, obviously), but I honestly wish more forums had an underweight-only section where you must be verified.

It's annoying having to deal with people who know they are overweight and down lax pills like candy bitch about how someone said something triggering and how they'll "get back at them" by getting thin. Yeah, right. You're still going to be fat if you haven't changed by now, dummy. Not to mention I find it super annoying how said average/overweight BMI people cry about how the average person isn't able to see they have an ED.

In general, I don't like how pro ED forums and such are chock full of people who seen to be obsessed with having this identity as an anorexic and whatever other ED or mental disorder they have.

I guess I wish there were more people I could relate to in that they just see their ED as part of theit life as opposed to seeing their ED as part of them. I don't get cravings, I find restriction not difficult, I don't think of my identity as being anorexic or having an ED, I just feel like I want to lose more weight.

>have eating disorder, struggling with it since teen years
>avoid mpa because it is cancer consisted mainly of assholes
>people create an "alternative" to mpa
>decide to give it a try because of the novelty
>obvious teenagers start spamming the threads to get a high count of posts
>some think having an eating disorder and depressun is cool and hip and anorexic is the same thing as being naturally thin
>retards even make threads to raise their post count number
>PrincessAnaBones and TeenAgsty666 have posted 1000 replies in over a month, shockingly
>the same nonsense they have on mpa

I'm still there albeit less than before because posting my shit here would be triGgRerIng and just plain wrong, but I always have to swim through the shit to find interesting and useful things.

>>3518

the subreddit r/proED might be interesting to you. theres some good discussion sometimes and then theres "diet coke and coffee am i righte guys" threads. its a mixed bag to me. but its pretty harmless.

i never used MPA, why do you feel like they're assholes? or that new site, what was the nonsense? gatekeeping or wannarexia posting? or both? i've never been deep into those communities either so i'm curious. i don't have any thoughts on em, their design is ugly.

My ED has come to an all-time low.

Nasty stuff ahead.
It's infiltrating my sexual fantasies. I imagined getting off to a woman teacher forcing me to binge, then forcing me to vomit and defecate in front of her. She would not fuck me until I was "clean" inside.
I feel disgusting and permanently unclean for getting off to that. I guess I wish a dominating person could force me to do everything I decide to do related to my ED. I would never want that in real life, but I feel gross enough that it is interesting and comforting to me.

>>3611
this is awful anon! i'm sorry :(

>>3537
lots of problems. MPA1 regular posters tend to think anyone who doesn't have 10k posts if fake and doesn't belong there. the new community is slowly becoming like that too, filled with obvious teens making "raise your post count" threads because more nonsense posts apparently means you're an anorexic master. it's ridiculous, bad for youngesters because it's fueling disordered thoughts, and maybe i am a little petty but the coolness/make a name for yourself in the community makes me want to stick with my anon boards where anyone under 18 isn't welcome.

>>3618
and thank you for the suggestion anon.

>>3668
>people keep telling me I look skinny but I don't feel that skinny and I keep wanting to fast more and more because it feels really good
No, no, no, anon. Don't do this. Please. You're turning yourself into a monster.
>one time I passed out and banged my head when I got up too fast
I felt pain when I read this, anon. Don't neglect yourself any further. You need to stop this.
>it's pretty normal for my vision to start to go black when I stand up during a fast and usually I'm more careful
Please cease this before you get any worse, anon. I don't want this to be the last post I read of you.

>>3518

was your MPA alternative pancakes? cause pancake is pretty legit now that MPA is dead and all the "popular" users went to eatingdisordercentral because they hated that pancakes called them cliquey. its great that all those accounts with insane amounts of posts all migrated to EDC. and i don't feel like in pancakes people care that much about posting numbers and noteriety.

i don't know i like reading drama so i've been very entertained this past week watching MPA burn.

>>3668

how long do you usually fast for? that doesn't sound good at all, anon. you should probably seek some therapy instead of playing this games with your body. you don't know when your body might betray you from so much negligence.

this would be my wake up call to stop doing it. fainting while going down the stairs? death. fainting and tripping with something and falling badly? wheelchair. fainting while no ones home and injuring your neck? absolute pain all alone. like the possbilities are endless and they're all scary as fuck.

>>3683
Yeah pancakes. Don't get me wrong, the general atmosphere is way better than the old mpa but there's still some threads dedicated to post count and a handful of retards trying to be speshul and drag attention to themselves. I don't know, maybe I just don't like forums in general and would prefer an anon ed focused community.

>>3691
God, anon. Just take control of it! There's more to health than just eating anyway. You could try to be more active which would make you want to eat more.

>>3693
Then you should try working yourself to the point that you need it. You can't be starving.

>>3695
There's got to be something you can do, anon. I guess you just have to will it.

My ED is back and I want to kill myself.

>>3691
>>3693
>>3695
Why tf are mods so lenient on avatarfagging. Please fucking stop.

I gained 5 lbs in 3 days after slowly losing 15 lbs over a period of 3 months. I want to shoot myself. I was so close to being in the 14s and now I'm in the 16s. Jesus fuck why is this so hard.

I saw pictures of myself today. I want to vomit. I look so much thinner. My face looks taut and pulled back. My wrists and hands look dinosaur-like. What freaks me out is that even before my full-blown ED, I was underweight and looked like it, too. So, what's the problem, right? Well, at those times, now, all I see is fat and bloatedness in the mirror. The only way I can see myself as thin is when I see photos taken by other people of me. Selfies make me look fat in my eyes. It kills me I can say I look thin and know it, but completely not believe it. I feel trapped. How do I undo how I view myself? I may not have consciously had disordered eating, but I've always never been able to look at my body in a mirror the way it really looks.

sorry for the dumb, teen-tier ranting

>>3698
>>3751
You need to stop worrying about losing weight, and start thinking about packing muscle. Please start lifting weights. It may sound crazy, but it's a good way to refocus your stress.

How do I stop my peanut butter addiction? I never even craved the flavor before and now it's on obsessive levels that I crave it. I bought the wonderful powder peanut butter so I could binge to my heart's content, but now that it's gone, I feel powerless to stop eating the real, calorie-laden thing.

>>3848
Why can't you get more powder peanut butter?

>>3869
I want to stop the cravings for peanut butter….

since posting, what's actually helped is remembering the horrid sensation of lumps of peanut butter going down my throat and obstructing my breathing. every time I get tempted or look at a peanut butter jar, I think of that. it works nicely.

>>3894

Try getting more fat in your diet from other sources. Or let yourself have a handful of peanuts.

I feel like dying…

I gained 70 lbs over the past couple of years. I got an ED when I was just 13, starved myself until I was nearly 16 and steadily gained since that time.
When I started going to Uni I started bying myself snacks and sweets on my way back home.

I have nearly 3 months off and wanted to try losing weight again. Yesterday I already failed and today I didn't even try at all. If I continue like this I'm gonna be obese by the time I'm 30…

I really don't know what to do anymore, I guess I'm literally addicted to food. On the one hand it's the only thing that makes me feel happy, on the other hand it's the reason of all my misery…

ive been eating <1500 calories or so but purging everything and i want to get out of this horrible habit so bad, its been making my knuckles look horrible and my face is puffy and my parents are gonna find out and its gonna be horrible. ive been purging around 1-6 times a day for months and its just so draining. the thing is that i went from being anorexic to bulimic and i need to recover from bulimia before i fully recover/go back to restricting my calories but i just cant

I used to restrict severely in my teens, it's a mix of both binge and restrict now. I'm fine with my body, it's just my emotional health is linked to food

>who else
ana-chan
>what has helped
dbt. therapy. thinking about the consequences and what i'd miss out on
>how do you get by
honestly, barely. i just keep reaffirming that it's an illogical illness. all i want is to be a child again, but it's never going to happen. i struggle with self-harm and isolation. these feelings can get really intense. i cry a lot
>how do you keep going?
i think about the future: getting my own place and having a career. i moved out of an abusive home. i just have to become more independent; that's the control i really am looking for
>what do your family, friends, and loved ones think
family: they're legitimately retarded when it comes to this. they don't see their own faults and they blame me. it's dreadful to eat around them
friends: two of my closest friends have eating disorders, so they get it. i have another one who was a past boyfriend: it took him a while to really get it and sometimes he's stupid about things, but he's trying and that's what matters
>do you think you will recover
traditionally? no. i despise treatment centers. with more therapy related to my underlying causes? definitely, but it will take time

I hate having fucking gross, narrow hips. I feel snubbed when I see women bitch about trans girls being the only ones who have narrow hips that present as female… I was born with a vagina and have narrow hips, so what am I, a garbage excuse of a woman? Starving myself has helped visually, but it's hard to maintain. I just hate my body so much. Idk if my waist even counts as defined or not because my hips are so narrow. Just why was I born as a woman and not a guy? At least as a guy I could build my body.

>>4718
>>4718
>starving
Post wrists.

>>4719
I did. I am now a fat fuck with a bmi of 17.4 my starting weight.

>>4720
I meant I used to "starve", then I was stupid and gained it back to the bmi mentioned above

>>4720
>>4720
>>4722
I can’t properly judge just from wrists but you look cute right now. Skinnier than this will probably make you look too skinny for aesthetics. Are you tall? You could go full skinny masterrace.

How do you stop thinking so much about the admittedly messed up relationship between one's body and food?

I'm currently struggling with the tendency to binge. It's mostly tied to feelings. Yet I feel like if I just ignore this part, the emotions will just manifest in a different fixation or maladaptive behavior (skin picking, compulsive shopping, etc).
What makes it feel so futile is that I'm aware little "willpower" factors into it for me. I need to change my environs so that making healthy choices is easier, but I'm also sensitive to stress, making slipping up easier.

I guess I'm asking about how to change habits for good outside of "keep trying, even when you fail, keep trying."



I'm tired.

>>4734

you have to sort out and come to an understanding with everything that makes you want to binge. also, if you crumble easily under stress you need to find ways to make ''stress'' work for you. i tend to be kind of destructive to myself too when i'm under stress but i just had to force myself, really force!!!, to not succumb to those sick thoughts. (write ur feelings down, distract urself)

good luck anon! change your mindset

>>4738
Thanks for the reply, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I don't really know what kind of answer I was expecting when the real work towards recovery is the point where I'm stuck.

It did help me write down a list of actionable items in response to urges:
- Drink water
- Write down What, When, Where, Feeling in response to urges
- Move to a different room/place or take a walk if possible

Please god how do i stop obsessing over getting super skinny? i just want to let go of the idea that average isnt good and everyone will love me if i get super super tiny.

i used to be super duper fat - 170 at 5'4. now im 112. but it just doesnt feel enough. some days i feel alright but most im just obsessing over losing another 10 then 10 more.

how do i let go of the idea ill be happy and loved if i lose my weight?

>>2589
>>2595
>posting photos of thin bodies is wrong because it's "pro-ana"
>posting disgusting fat fetish material is okay
Mark me baffled.

>>4744
Anorexia is often a goal-oriented disorder. There is a need to reach the next milestone or "do better". It's a flawed mindset because when you're overweight, losing weight is a good thing, so you keep setting new goals for yourself as you drop the weight, but at a certain point, it no longer becomes beneficial and eventually harms you.

I've gone through it myself, and the best advice I can give is don't try to recover; it will lead you to continue centering your life around your body and food. If you try to regain weight, it will make you depressed; if you try to lose weight, you will get sicker without peace of mind. Find something else that's important to you, try to create other goals for yourself that can occupy your time and thought. Find other qualities or accomplishments to idolize.

It can be hard to stop thinking about when you need to eat multiple times a day or exercise, so another thing I'd suggest is having something else to do when you eat/exercise. Maybe listen to music, or read something, or do some work. Any distraction will help because eventually you'll stop thinking these negative thoughts throughout the day.

>>4744
I started at the same weight and height as you but I'm still only at about 150, if it's okay to ask, how long did it take you? I want to eat less meat more veggies, cut out dairy and bad carbs but is there anything else that really helped you? I understand if you choose not to answer and I'm sorry this doesn't answer your question.
I feel the same way as you though. It goes back and forth in my head too between like "I think I'll have to reach a lower weight" and "no this goal is fine just chill out" so maybe keep telling yourself it's okay even if you don't necessarily believe it at first. The other anon gave you great advice, I hope you can overcome it

>>4748
I've been vegetarian since I was very young. It took me a few months to go from 180 to 150 then a while to go from 150 to 140 then I went from 130 to 110 fairly fast. Remember though fast weight loss makes you prone to binges and going up and it's terrible. I started purging everything i ate at around 135. It's gross and not dainty and beautiful.