/hb/ - Health & Beauty

>>4629
I used to be 17.5 bmi, that was like half a year ago and it started because I was narcissistic plus I had the feeling that food was disgusting, I got better and now I am pretty much where you are at 19 and going to be 20 if I don't do anything to stop it, I just started to not care about food and I understood "people just don't give a shit about how you look anyway" and that's when i got back on track with my weight, but I still want to be skinny and have a nice figure so I think it's time for some meme fitness period in my life

>do you have an eating disorder? ya
>which one?
anorexia and binge eating cycles, i'd be bulimic but my body just can't vomit
>are you attempting recovery?
no
>how long have you had it? distorted body image, beginning of puberty, disordered eating, since i was 18, restrictive full-blown anorexia, February of this year
>what caused it?
i gave up trying to be curvy. being rail thin is easier than having big tits, big butt, small waist, etc. plus I have linebacker shoulders, so even if everything else was perfect, i'd still have those. so being ultra-skinny it was.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i always am aware when i'm eating and i'm good at calorie guessing, relatively. i drink more water than i did before. i exercise a bit, whereas i used to not exercise at all.

I know it's not correct of me to say this, but I feel somewhat happier than I was before because of my disorder. Or, at least I've fooled myself into that. Before, I knew I'd never truly be able to attain my goal. I used to always wear VS Bombshell bras and focus on getting attention for my butt. Now, for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with my small breasts, I'm more okay with my body in a way that I wasn't before. I love how thin my legs looked when I was at my lowest (which wasn't that low, 15.4). I binged for about a month and I'm up to a bmi of 17 again, and I feel disgusting. I need to get into the 80 lbs range. I feel repulsive. I also like how my face looked better at a low bmi because I gain weight there, so it's like I finally don't look like a qtip.

Idk. I feel more content now. I used to be so anxious about how ugly and un-curvy I was compared to other girls. Now, I don't care if other people think my body looks good or not. It only matters what I want for my body. I only compare myself to girls irl than I can tell are struggling with anorexia now, instead of every slim thicc girl I see in the streets. It's nice.

My disorder has made me more petty and shallow, but I don't care. I was always that way, this disorder just gave that part of me a way to express itself more in my everyday life.

My only other observation is that I don't really think of my disorder as a disorder in my everyday life. I don't understand places like MPA where all the users seem to enjoy circle jerking how sick they are. I know I have this disorder, but I don't see it as a disorder, it doesn't feel that way to me. It just feels like a way my life's turned. It reminds me of my OCD, I just see it as part of me and it can be disruptive and annoying, but I can't imagine identifying myself as having it. Sorry for my jibberish.

>>4637
>15.4
anon that is absolutely very very very low

>>4638
I'd feel guilty if I said it was low because I feel like an actual low BMI is 11-13. Before I became super anorexic and just had bad body image, my BMI was in the 17s

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
binge eating
>are you attempting recovery?
i wish, but atm i'm not doing anything against it
>how long have you had it?
it got really bad around 4 years ago, but i've had it for over 7 years already
>what caused it?
i was ana as a young teen, gained weight, started hating my body even more, tried to make up for the lost time by eating everything i abstained from before, had the mentality of "i'll eat lots today and then start dieting tomorrow".
after graduating hs i lost friends, didn't get new ones and now i eat constantly out of loneliness.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
my life solely turns around food, it's my only source of happiness. even in rare moments i'm doing something i still always think about what i'm going to eat next. i only want to lay in my bed with my laptop and eat non-stop.

before my ed started i probably had the perfect body, 62-63kg at 178cm - yet because of my tall height and shyness i always wished to be somehow smaller. i also was a perfectionist, wanted to control every aspect of my life and especially the way i look. i was kind of a failure at being ana, no matter how little i ate, the lowest i ever got to was 55-56kg. i ate the same exact thing (400cal) for months, but my body didn't change that much.
i guess i should be thankful for having a somewhat good metabolism, because eating on average 3500-4000cal a day like i did the past years would have killed others. right now i'm chubby, some might say curvy, but of course i absolutely hate it. i just wish i lost enough weight to feel comfortable in tshirt and shorts again next summer. but the stress and sadness college causes me, makes me unable to cut back on food.

>do you have an eating disorder
yup
>which one
anorexia, restricting subtype. purging looks really satisfying, but it just doesn't work out
>how long have you had it
about 9 years
>what caused it
toxic family, my upbringing, sexual trauma, feeling out of control of my body, and abusive relationships
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it isn't so bad these days. i've become used to it now. feeling full terrifies me; it just will never feel right to me. the biggest concern is just my lack of energy and feeling anhedonic. i'm okay otherwise

i've been in treatment for most of my teenage years. i find treatment centers in my area very ineffective. they expect you to gain so much weight in such a little period of time. i found it extremely traumatizing to see my body change in such a brief period. i felt fatter than ever. their whole "muh behavioral change" treatment philosophy legitimately scares me. most eating disorders, from what i've seen, are trauma-based. i just wish centers had more of that trauma treatment. or more exploring of the causes to it. thankfully, i'm back with being underweight. i definitely am not as thin as i used to be, but i need to sacrifice my need for energy over continuing down that spiral. i know it's maladaptive and wrong to continue with my eating disorder, but it's a very tempting path because i'm inherently self-destructive

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
bulimia mainly, but i have restrictive/ EDNOS tendencies as well
>are you attempting recovery?
i've relapsed hard in the last 2 years and feel like i attempt recovery every week and then fail immediately
>how long have you had it?
almost a decade now, i think i started when i was 14. i've had terrible and constantly changing BDD for around the same length of time if not longer
>what caused it?
the dysmorphia probably, i was never a fat kid but i was never stick thin either and having a naturally athletic build was a huge insecurity. the sad thing is that my mom went through the exact same ED and raised me super healthy but somehow i ended up even worse? i've always wondered if i had a genetic predisposition to it or something because i'd ended up being bulimic without ever knowing what it was first, or knowing that my mom had it as a teen.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i could easily say it's ruined my entire life and i wouldn't even be exaggerating. combined with my mental illness and generally terrible habits i consistently fuck myself over and let myself down. i'm in my fucking twenties and i feel like an insecure child who can't grow the fuck up and live my life like a normal person

do you have an eating disorder?
yes.

which one?
diagnosed EDNOS. Used to purge occasionally. I cycle between restrictive and binge phases; currently losing weight rapidly by restricting and I think it’s actually permanent for once in my life.

are you attempting recovery?
hell no, although it’s obviously the healthiest choice.

how long have you had it?
I think i’ve had disordered eating habits since I was little, never was taught anything about proper nutrition or portion servings from my family. Regularly and constantly binged on junk food for most of my life up until high school.

what caused it?
depression, social anxiety, feeling like a completely unattractive landwhale that no one ever would want to talk to.

how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
co-morbidity/my other issues make it difficult for me to say what problems are caused specifically by my eating disorder. But restricting can make me really tired and nauseous, and exercising is a serious challenge. Even though I’ve lost over 30 lbs since I was at my highest weight as a teenager, I still feel just as big and ugly and worthless.

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
not diagnosed, but anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
I sort of recovered when we moved and our new house doesn't have a scale. For me it was always about numbers so not having a scale put a stop to starving and binging. The thoughts remain but I don't act on them
>how long have you had it?
about 4 years, sometimes better sometimes worse
>what caused it?
I was never fat or even chubby. I just compared myself to others and one summer I was swimming with my beautiful athletic cousins and that pushed me to start innocently dieting which developed to anorexia
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't really disrupt my life other than occasional self hate

I know that when I move out I'm gonna get a scale and spiral out of control again which scares me. Now I have time for recovery but I don't want it. I want to be stick skinny because my brain is sick and I consume too much east asian media.
stay strong anonettes

2 yrs recovered anorexia/bulimia after 10ish years. all time low weight was 98lb at 5"7.5

decided to stop one night for no apparent reason remember thinking "i don't want to do this anymore" (lol) and haven't purged since (unless sick with flu or something unrelated)

i still exhibit orthorexia/fasting behaviour and won't allow myself to be "fat" - but i think i'm in a better space now, eat food, experience joy etc.

i didn't seek out help during the duration of my illness, even at the peak of my "most sick" - my family did call me out on it though.

i think my experience is not a common story when it comes to ED's

can honestly say i wouldn't wish it on anyone

>>4629
do you have an eating disorder?
yes
which one?
anorexia + binge eating
are you attempting recovery?
not really
how long have you had it?
6 years
what caused it?
my entire family had anorexia. my mother starves herself for as long as I could remember and so does my dad and sister. it became a huge family competition that no one really ever speaks of but we all feel it since we constantly ask eachother if the other person has ate to feel better about ourselves. its toxic as hell but oh well.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
all i ever think about is food and i spend hours and hours watching mukbangs and channels like amberlynn reid to motivate myself to not eat since i constantly crave bad foods. other than that, being constantly tired.

>>6721
Very similar story here though while I didn't seek out help I ended up almost pushed into it by my school administration, rebelled and ended up recovering alone on my own. I still exercise a lot and limit what kinds and amounts of food I eat which is apparently a recovery no-no but I've been better for so long now, I'd say I'm really healthy now and truly enjoy food and my life and can deal with having a fuller womanly looking body and still often find it beautiful.

Looking back on my sick self is like looking back on another world. I don't know how I thought I was "happy" being so miserable, ill and weak and chained down. It's such a shitty, shallow way to live and waste of time.

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes.
>which one?
Mild restricting. Also terrible BDD and an unstable body image.
>are you attempting recovery?
Yep. I'm going to an ED clinic next week.
>how long have you had it?
Over 10 years.
>what caused it?
I gained weight in grade 7 and hated how I was bigger than all the other girls. I lost weight by exercising and eating healthy in grade 8, then gained the weight back in grade 9. I started to over-exercise in grade 10 and managed to lose some weight but I was still around 155 at 5'6". The restricting started in grade 12 and the positive attention it got me kept me motivated. There was intense guilt around food, under eating and counting calories. In university it got worse because of stress. Then it persisted through my twenties.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I don't enjoy food that much. I see it as a means to an end to keep me alive, something to be measured and controlled. I feel guilty for eating when hungry. I feel like I don't deserve to eat. Eating and food is such a preoccupation that I worry about it almost all the time. I'm terrified of gaining weight and I want to continue to lose weight. Since I start treatment soon, I've been trying to lose more weight so that if I gain during treatment I won't be as big.

>>6720
I'm sorry that happened to you, anon. I know how easy it is to get out of control. Depression is also a bitch, I've had it since childhood for 18 years.

>do you have an eating disorder?
yep
>which one?
diagnosed binge eating disorder, I'm actually thin though, and go through phases of restriction
>are you attempting recovery?
yes!
>how long have you had it?
4 years, I think?
>what caused it?
I've always been thin, but I was a ballerina for several years, and started restricting so I could be even thinner so I could have the perfect ballet body. this triggered some hardcore binging after a while and the rest is history
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't disrupt it too much anymore! but before it kinda took over my whole life and pretty much my every thought was about food and my body.

do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
> bulimia

are you attempting recovery?
> I have but I'm currently in a relapse

how long have you had it?
> since I was 14, and I'm 21 now, so 7 years

what caused it?
> I've always been a fat child so I got bullied/pressured for it when I was younger. Home was also abusive so an eating disorder felt like a way to keep "control."

how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
yeah it's a bit of a hassle, I always feel like I'm about to faint which is hard because I am a grad student

Bad feels

>>4629
I don't know if this counts as an eating disorder, but a few months ago I was really depressed because of my weight (69kg at the time, and I'm pretty short so it looks baad)
I fasted for 10 days straight and lost 10kg, I was really happy with the results but I gained back those 10kg just as fast and now I'm depressed again and I'm thinking about not eating anything for the whole quarantine (or 30 days at least) and see how many kgs I can lose.
of course this time I'll eat healthier after I fast so I don't gain back all the lost weight

>>8059
Girl it's not just about eating healthier, you have to permanently change your diet. This means permanently eating less calories to stay at your desired weight. If you don't do this you're gonna gain it all back again. If you don't wanna eat less you have to spend more calories (exercise). Don't put yourself through a month of suffering just to gain it back in a couple months.
I don't know how fat you are rn, but be careful about losing weight too fast. If you're too big and it leaves too quickly you could end with loose skin.

>>8060
>If you're too big and it leaves too quickly you could end with loose skin
I weigh 65kg and I'm 154cm tall. I'm not like morbidly obese but it feels that way sometimes

anons in recovery, what have been quick meals that have helped you gain weight? ideally 1-2 pounds a week. i've been eating peanut butter sandwiches but having that 3 times a day would be torture
i had my weight under control but the side effects from my meds got me fucked up

I apologize if this isn't the correct thread for this post. It's more of a /feels/-esque post, but I want to keep discussion relating to eating disorders in their own thread for the sake of other users.

Long ago, I deleted my MyProAna account (I have no intentions to rejoin) and didn't realize my posts and threads were still viewable through Google search results, even without a profile. I'd made a thread there to post some of my art in (a lot of users who are artists do) and my art is the main focus of all of my social media and online presence, save for anonymous imageboards, of course. My husband and I follow each other on every social media platform or website and he appreciates my art just as much as anyone else, though he has no idea about any of my past struggles with ED or that I ever had an account on any ED-based website. Unfortunately, I recently found out that some of the art I'd posted in my art thread can be found through reverse image searching it on Google, subsequently revealing what my MPA username was.

I attempted to log into my account (which was already deleted) but wasn't able to, presumably because when an account is deleted the username changes to "Guest_(username)_" rather than just "(username)". Just over a month ago I sent an email to the website or their staff (I'm unsure which, they make it difficult to contact them) explaining my situation and asking if the art I'd posted in my thread can be removed, or if the thread can be deleted altogether. I have yet to receive a real response from them and while I may be overly paranoid, I'm terrified of someone, especially my husband, discovering my MPA activity. I'm not proud of everything I posted there, and I'm now at a healthy weight with healthy eating habits and would like to move on from that part of my life. I did receive an automated response from [email protected] saying that they "have received (my) support request and will reply as soon as possible." The rest of their response includes a link saying "click here to respond to this message" though all it does is bring me to a version of my report that's on the actual website. That version of the report says my report's status is still "open". I was also given a three-letter password for the support request, but I don't know how I'm supposed to use it.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with that website? Would you know what to do or how I can get in better contact with them?

>>8337
I used to work at an IT place that used a similar system, or maybe even the same one (Zendesk). Your request opened a support ticket - identified by the number you have - and their staff will have a target number of days in which to respond. They also usually have a target number of days to solve the problem and close the ticket.

If you don't get responses within a fortnight, just keep bumping it, maybe once a week: email a follow-up "hey, haven't heard, looking forward to resolving this with you" etc. etc., as a reply to that email. It should all link to your open ticket if you do it that way, but if you're worried, you can always include "RE: ticket ###" to keep it crystal clear in your records and theirs.

Good luck anon, glad to hear you're in a brighter place, and hopefully they sort it out for you promptly.

>>8337
MPA was "shut down" then reopened, and it's a mess regarding who controls that site. Try following what >>8338 said, but know it may be quite difficult given their shaky leadership.

>>8338
>>8339
Thank you both for your advice and kind words!

i want to talk

>do you have an eating disorder?
maybe
>which one?
not diagnosed
>are you attempting recovery?
fuck no
>how long have you had it?
over a year now, but i've always been odd towards food and self confidence
>what caused it?
i just looked at my weight and kinda snapped. never liked my body and i felt as if i'd been eating way too much recently, started restricting, kinda found my way into online communities. not sure when i started getting fat because i never had many pictures taken but i know i was overweight at 11.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i can't eat without thinking about the calories, i can't stop thinking about food, i started cutting and i can't get clean from that, my body image is worse than ever, i can't eat food that i used to enjoy, my restriction means i spike in eating even more than i ever did from time to time (today i ate half a pack of biscuits), generally i just want to die

Has quarantine made anyone's ED worse? Everything is triggering, including specific convo with friends, but I can’t say anything because I don’t want them to feel bad. Can’t go to pro-ana sites because it'll just make me feel shittier.

>do you have an eating disorder?
probably

>which one?
binging without any purging though I have thought strongly about it when at my lowest.

>are you attempting recovery?
there are periods of trying to be better, but I have relapsed hard this year.


>how long have you had it?
thinking back, maybe it started when I started college and could buy my own food - leading to hording snacks for myself to eat when stressed. so about 10 years?

>what caused it?
being lonely and sad in college without any decent coping mechanisms. self-hatred.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I sometimes run out of hiding places for my food. I feel intense shame that I hide food from my significant other. I go through periods of time when I binge a lot during the day, so I try to make up for it during mealtimes by having smaller portions with more veggies.

ecently my shits have been really weird and reminiscent of IBS or colitis. I don't think I would stop if it weren't for the gross shits.

>do you have an eating disorder
yes
>which one
bulimia
>are you attemptting recovery
yes, ive stopped purging a few months ago but the urge is very hard to fight
>how long have you had it
8 years
>what caused it
i was overweight in middle school (5'3, 180 lbs), my family bullied the hell out of me and caused me to really hate my body, my weight has fluctuated a lot in my teen years. currently 130 lbs
>how does it disrupt your daily life
i cant relax at home because i would only think about how i could sneak into the bathroom and purge. the urge has lessened lately but worsened because of quarantine. all i do is fucking eat and vomit.

>>4629
How do I get an eating disorder? I really want a flat stomach and low bf%, but I LOVE food. I'm 5'9'' 170lbs (I also lift weights a lot so that's making me heavier) and I have so much willpower and don't bring home processed foods, but I always forget my lunch and end up eating vending machine shit. I've fasted for 3 days at a time, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I think maybe I should go for bulimia, but i don't wanna fuck up my teeth.

>>9751
After reading more into EDs, I’d like to apologize for this comment

>do you have an eating disorder?
i guess
>which one?
although i was sent to a dietician as a teen in order to gain weight ,i dont remember being ever diagnosed. i have purged before,restricted to an uh bmi tho not less than 17.5 aand i binge frequently /eat my emotions
>are you attempting recovery?
no cause i hate being a normal weight right now as awful as it sounds
>how long have you had it?
idk
>what caused it?
i just want to be liked like other bmi 16-17 girls
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
being either out of commission cause you are restricting or binging and always ashamed of your body

>>4629

>do you have an eating disorder?
I had one 12 years ago when I was 13 years old

>which one?
Anorexia nervosa, restricted eating and somewhat obsessive exercising. Mostly just restricted eating though.

>are you attempting recovery?
I was really lucky to recover early on, only 6 months after it started, but it was an extremely obsessive 6 months of thinking about nothing else. I remember coming out of it and realizing it had only been 6 months for what felt like had been 6 years. I don't know how or why I recovered, I went to a week-long sleepaway summer camp that year that I'd been going to every summer and being there helped. I'm not sure why.

>how long have you had it?
I had it for 6 months.

>what caused it?
I'm not sure, I was a kid. I do remember that being the first time I fell in love, and I wanted the boy to think I was attractive. But I'm sure it was much more than that. I'm even starting to wonder if I have OCD tendencies, since I'm starting to notice it a little bit in my adult life now.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
It was all I ever thought about at the time. Even now, my husband says I have body dysmorphia. I'm not even 5"1 and I weigh about 125lbs. I don't necessarily look that overweight but I feel overweight. I don't change in front of him or let him look at me naked (at least not without sucking in) and I don't let him touch my stomach. He says he likes it though, and my issues with this are getting in the way of his happiness, because he wants to show me love and I won't let him. I'm not sure if he's right or if he's just trying to make me feel better. Sometimes I wish I could start restricting my eating again the way I did back then, but I know it's a terrible downward spiral to fall into and I take it back as soon as I wish it every time. I wish I could do something though. I guess for now I'll just keep gymming and trying to eat better even though it never really changes the way I look.

ITT: people that tried to "go ana" in their early teens

>do you have an eating disorder?
maybe

>which one?
i dont even know, i just know that im scared of enjoying food even though i enjoy it too much

are you attempting recovery?
yeah but its hard. the main thing keeping me from having delicious weekly binges is that im fucking broke(and im scared of getting fat)

>how long have you had it?
idek a year or so

>what caused it?
i just love food too much lel and i always feel like shit about my body so im like, my bodys already shitty so eating 5 bags of cheetos wont hurt… it just feels so comforting to stuff yourself with food, it feels almost as good as having someone beside you. then after my binge i get scared that ill gain a pound or two and i starve myself for the next few days.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I tend to obsess over calories/macros, I'll neglect to do things i actually need to do like study because i spend way too much time counting calories and planning my meals. i also have trouble enjoying food when im with friends or family.

i dont know if i belong in this thread since i know i dont have it as bad as a lot of people, but it just feels nice to have a place to talk about this..

>>4629
>do you have an eating disorder?
Maybe, I don't think of myself as sick though.
>which one?
EDNOS/OSFED I suppose.
>are you attempting recovery?
No
>how long have you had it?
Over a year now.
>what caused it?
Horrible eating habits in my family and my mother's ED (excessive exercise + binge eating), also her shaming me for being fat. Glad I don't live with her anymore, but the inner shaming persists.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Sometimes it takes for me over 2 hours to buy groceries because I look at every single item of the food type I want and compare the nutritional values and/or bargain with myself whether to buy this high-calorie food and starve the next day or buy shit like tea, zero-cal drinks, rice cakes, etc. (I'm a broke student and I can't afford both, so this is harder)
Currently I'm trying to make myself not enjoy food that much and suprisingly, my ED is helping me pick up new hobbies and somewhat socialize at the cost of purging, disturbing gut pains from taking lax and feeling lethargic.
Also I've taken a lax diarrhea water dump in a lot of places over my small city now and I don't know if that's a thing to be proud of

>>8411
Here again.

The shits are still weird. Fairly sure I am lactose intolerant as well.

I have yet to go to see someone about it.

My clothes are not fitting well again. I had a bout in college when I noticed that I had gained weight and started wearing the same sweater and pants all the time. I can't do that now that I work, but my wardrobe has become more limited.

Wondering how I got back to a size that was sort of equilibrium without trying.

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow I reach 115 lbs. It's so disgusting when one keeps in mind that I used to weigh much less. How'd I let myself get to the state where I have to lose weight because I'm this grotesque?

Does anyone has experience with metformine? how did it go?

>>9911
i took it as an alternative treatment for hormonal acne to see if that would work. i was on the thinner side though and didn't lose any extra weight but regular metformin fuuucked my stomach up, so if you can get it, i'd recommend extended release met. regular metformin made me almost pass out multiple times and completely destroyed my stomach. a lot of people have awful gastro issues with regular met. other than that it is well tolerated and people say it works well for weight loss if you're overweight.

>do you have an eating disorder? which one?
i haven't been in treatment/diagnosed, i cycle between b/p and restricting a lot
>are you attempting recovery?
yes, but to be completely honest it feels more like an excuse to binge. then again at this point i don't even know what binge means anymore, it feels like any time i eat anything i'm binging.
>how long have you had it?
probably longer than i realize (i found a 500cal food diary from when i was 15) but the ana REALLY kicked in early last year (was 18)
>what caused it?
swelling like a balloon thru my teenage years because of antipsychotics, then basically eating nothing for 6 months during a drug bender. being both tall and fat for most of my life really fucked with my psyche in ways i didn't realize until way too late
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
unless i'm in a purging phase there's not much of a difference other than the general constant thinking about food and how to stretch my calorie limit. i also have a lot of restaurant apps just so i can pretend to order something and measure the calories/price it would cost, i spend an absurd amount of time doing this. i'm better at math now at least

>>9866
I might've hit a new low with lax abuse. There's chewed undigested food and some slightly dirty water coming out of my butthole every hour or two. And it hurts.
at least i don't absorb as many calories now i guess? wouldn't recommend doing that to your body though, it's terrible

I've had anorexia for maybe 6 years now. I developed it after being prescribed for a short time (about 2 years) and realizing how good it felt to lose weight so quickly. I'm really sick of it now. I want to recover but I really can't bring myself to eat large quantities of food unless it's "binge worthy" junk food. Right now I'm surviving off of egg salad sandwiches and fast food maybe 5 times a month.

How do I get my appetite back? What do normal healthy people eat?

Had anorexia as a teen and had to drop out of school to be an inpatient as the doctors said I could die. Recovery is hard, your fullness cues will be off for a long time, and so will digestion. I refused recovery for a long while until I watched a friend try to commit suicide in hospital and decided I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to have babies, have real relationships, travel, all that. Start now before it’s too late and you’re infertile with osteoporosis.

>do you have an eating disorder?
maybe i dont know
>which one?
likely EDNOS
>are you attempting recovery?
no until i think im sick enough or reach that 25 mark where i'd have to get my shit together or kms
>how long have you had it?
since around mid-teens
>what caused it?
i feel like i hopped onto restricting from SH, and probably as some self validating thing. i didnt have any social life, or any goals so i decided "fuck it" and started restricting. i think also the "i need to be clean" thoughts i had because i felt like everyone around me was clean and nice and i thought and still think people don't come near me because i stink or im dirty and icky and i couldn't stand myself.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i used to give out all my food to people at school, and always looking for a low calorie option. nowadays though i dont have the energy to do much, im dizzy 24/7 and if i ever eat anything big my digestive system will freak out.

I used to have bullimia. I am no longer bullimic but I feel worse than I ever did before I started. 6 years on and I cannot look at myself in the mirror without crying. My teeth are ruined and so am I :) I wish I could go back. I wish I could tell myself that even if I think ruining my body won't matter, even if I think I cannot ever look worse than I do now even if I choose not to seek help for my disorder, that it will hurt so much very more than I ever imagine. It is a long, drawn out full pain that hits you every day of your life, and my god, it hurts so much. I want it to stop so much. I no longer feel like a human being anymore, I am an ugly and rotten woman. But nobody knows, and nobody cares except me.

The only way I live on now is by starving now. I just move on to a different medicine, one that I pretend will make me feel so much better despite the fact that I know it will kill me inside just as much.

sorry for blog posting lol

>>10066
Stop doing this anon. Stop thinking about the things you hate about yourself. Put the mirrors and the scales away. We don’t need them anymore. Being happy and healthy will make you beautiful. Chase that instead.

>>10066
i had bad depression as a preteen/teen to the point i wasn't even grooming myself minimally. my teeth are absolutey fucking fucked. all the expenses getting them fixed has cost me $15k out of pocket in the past few years. that's all of my vacations and my debt being paid off gone out the window.

iktf, it sucks so much. and when a dentist is judgemental it really hurts. the last one commented, "wow, you really had a lot of cavities". i think about his comment almost every day. he didn't even realize he said something hurtful either and he's a great dentist and nice guy. i feel like i'm just absolutely fucked.

>>10083
You can get lots of cavities even if you brush every day (like I did) so don't feel bad about that.

>>10067
Thank you anon I just hope one day I won't feel like pain is necessary.

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?

ARFID, probably. not diagnosed.

>are you attempting recovery?

i don't know how to. most foods taste bad and feel dirty. i've narrowed down to a few safe foods that i can stomach, but then they aren't always the healthiest, and the calories scare me off.

>how long have you had it?

forever

>what caused it?

being born? OCD, maybe. family also has very fucked up views on weight gain. its just one of my comorbidities.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

i have a hard time getting proper nutrition. i can't eat at restaurants with friends, but they still insist on taking me out even when i warn them i wont touch my plate. mom's concerned about my weight. i'm concerned about this taking a toll on me. im also tired all the time, barely do much but sit around.

>>4629
i realize this probably doesnt count but i have a never ending compulsion to eat
i think its because its one of the few things that gives my brain happy chemicals
i eat and eat all the time and im never satisfied, even when im nauseous i want to eat
how do i stop this

>>10975
Don't discount your struggle anon, it is absolutely a disordered relationship with food at least. I had an ed (flip flop between ana and bulimia) for about 7 years. I spent so much time obsessing over food and my body. I never really tried to recover, but the second time I took acid, I came to some weird realizations, and never went back.

>>10975
You're going to have to build new positive connections between other activities instead of eating. I recommend talking to a therapist specialized in CBT, or if you can't, find a way to follow some guidelines for adjusting your behavior.

>>10975
me too anon..i feel like i’m just eating to stop feeling empty, not cause i’m hungry. i do it whenever i feel bored or lonely or nothing at all

i have binge eating disorder and a disorder called "being a fucking fatass" because eating is the only thing gives me happiness. i've been on restriction like a few years ago, lost a good amount of weight just to gain it back i hate myself

>>11086
mood
I lost 20 pounds during the first round of quarantine because I was stressing so much and I feel better now but that means my appetite is back so I'm back where I started

>>11118
this sounds stupid but have you tried chugging warm water? it takes longer to be absorbed so for me it makes me feel full for a while

i've had restrictive anorexia for about five years, currently trying not to spiral into another relapse. can't ever fully recover because my autismo ass can never stop counting calories. insurance won't cover any treatment either.

can't ever win with an ed i guess

>>11140
based and eugenia cooney pilled. no jk. its fine to actually count calories but take breaks from that OCD habit, have days where you dont give a single fuck about it and others where you do.

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes.
>which one?
Anorexia.
>are you attempting recovery?
Not anymore. I may have felt better physically but worse mentally.
>how long have you had it?
At least 10 years, closer to 15.
>what caused it?
I hate my body and all the fat it has. My family is on the chubby side and it made me fear gaining weight.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Constant anxiety over calories, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, general negativity. I know this doesn't make me feel better really, but it replaces one bad feeling with another. Please just kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

>>11247
I just realised I haven't eaten for a week.

>do you have an eating disorder?
i want to say yes but i havent been diagnosed so i know i shouldnt
>which one?
i dont know since i havent been diagnosed by a professional so i dont want to say anything stupid
>are you attempting recovery?
no im currently trying to get a bmi of 15, i feel like that would be nice ^_^ im currently at 16 point something im nearly there
>how long have you had it?
i dont know but ive always been known to not like eating
>what caused it?
im really afraid of being fat its genuinely one of my biggest fears after rape because i know losing weight isnt nearly as easy as gaining it and it would be impossible for me to lose anything with my way of living, and i fear that even if i try ill be stuck in that weight for life due to age
i also feel the need to be in control of something in my life, so i guess this helps… before i used to self harm but since ive used up all the space in my thighs and wrists and because i got caught i started thinking about other things ( not that i get to decide what to do, um… im sorry i dont really know how to explain )
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does ?
i have an obsession with calories and im always throwing up my food whenever i feel guilty about eating as i think i dont really deserve to eat and will get fat if i do anyway
my blood pressure drops very often so im always shaking somewhat and i feel like im going to pass out at any moment, i experience temperature in a very extreme way ( i feel like im freezing below 21 degrees celsius lol ) um… i dont know brain fog ? but maybe ive just always been this way… im kind of really dumb anyway

>do you have an eating disorder?
technically not, but my psychologist has told me that im bordering on one
>which one?
bordering on anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
no. why would i? im aiming to drop back to 17 bmi (im currently at 18) and work my way down to less as i go.
>how long have you had it?
my bmi has never been over 20 in my life so i dont really know but i started having thoughts of disordered eating at around age 18 or so
>what caused it?
extremely terrified of being fat and also my mom has been obsessed with counting calories/macros for the past few years and it rubbed off on me alarmingly quickly
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i get nauseous and dizzy very quickly. im short on breath and have absolutely no agility at all. im just generally weak as fuck and i get injured and cold very easily. combined with the fact that i cut myself, i have an overall pretty frail body that deals with being exposed to anything that isnt laying in my bed awfully.

ive been getting urges to start purging despite being very scared of vomit these past few months, too, and every time a stronger wave of urges hits i get closer to it. i know its gonna fuck up my teeth and make my face all puffy but something is driving me to sticking my fingers down my throat.

Dead thread but I'll bite.

>do you have an eating disorder?which one?

Currently bulimia, formerly anorexia

>are you attempting recovery?

Honestly I'm at an age now where I just manage the cycle on my own. I've had medical intervention in the past but at this point I have all the skills to look after myself


>how long have you had it?
what caused it?

I've had a "complicated relationship" with food pretty much my entire life. My mum was obsessed with dieting and my dad was a big eater (bodybuilder). I was a neglected child and ended up using food to replace love. I was a chubby little critter until I hit 14ish and anorexia hit me like a train for reasons I won't put too much detail on. I'll keep it short and say I was kinda messed up from my upbringing

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

The intrusive nature of disordered thinking has haunted me since I was a child. Stress was a trigger to eat until it developed into a trigger to not eat anything ever. Now, it's the same banal ED thoughts whenever I go near food whether they make me uncomfortable or not

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
Never been officially diagnosed. I have an unhealthy relationship with food, though. I would say that mine is solely restrictive. (Bulimia signals a lack of self-control to me, and it's pretty disgusting – not to mention ineffective.)
>are you attempting recovery?
Absolutely not, but I make sure my weight doesn't drop too low so that I don't need hospitalization.
>how long have you had it?
It started around six years ago, I think. I had just started college and was able to make myself lose weight as my family wasn't forcing me to eat a normal amount of food.
>what caused it?
Lots of insecurity about my looks, as well as a sense of pride that I'm able to control my food intake as well as my "disordered" thoughts. If nothing else, I can be the thinnest person in any given group, and that remains a constant. It's also good to know that there are many people out there who would see my body as "thinspo". At a certain point I was actually thinner than most "thinspo" images, which was great.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Doesn't really disrupt anything since I live alone anyway.

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
yes, anorexia. undiagnosed.
>are you attempting recovery?
kind of? i have been putting a bit of weight and i'm trying not too mind. maintaining my 16 bmi was exhausting, i'm happier now, but still disordered.
>how long have you had it?
since i was 14
>what caused it?
a friend who introduced me to pro ana communities.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it makes my life pretty much miserable. i can't concentrate, i can't see my family, i can't go on dates with my boyfriend. it's awful.

>do you have an eating disorder?
sort of, I feel like I'm swinging all over the place

>which one?
used to be straight up anorexic, now ednos

>are you attempting recovery?
I started to eat more normally after I had a severe illness bout and almost died, only to start eating too much junkfood in the last few years. it's my way of saying "fuck you" to myself for depriving my being in the past. my portions remain wack though. lately I've been binging, but I'm wanting to restrict again and go down to maybe a half meal a day. I can't stand being close to or over 130 lbs and I desperately wish I could go back down to 110-120. because my system is so fucked from my anorexic years, I have to take laxatives to have a decent shit, which sounds like a hard cope for the reason why I exceed the amount of laxative pills I'm supposed to take: I do it to help keep my weight lower. have been doing this for years and surprised it hasn't given me a straight up stomach ulcer. I would say I'm dealing with my ED differently than I used to, and some of it has turned into periodic binge eat periods of guilt. I'm a bipolarfag so it coincides with my mood swings

>how long have you had it?
since I was a teenager

>what caused it?
I went through a "fat phase" when I was pubescent where my boobs and stomach ballooned. I was relentlessly abused for my body type by skinny girls. I did lose some of my baby fat around the time I was 16, it wasn't enough, and that's when the ED behavior worsened. my mom is an abusive narc who's always been skinny. though I've never weighed over 140 in my life, the way my fat distributEd combined with my proportions makes me appear stocky as hell, despite me never being fat fat. my mom binges on junkfood, rarely exercises, and never weighed over 140 lbs at 5'9" in her life until she hit her fifties. at one point during my fat phase she had gotten sick and lost a lot of weight, wouldn't eat much, and looked skeletal. the abuse she heaped upon me, though not body specific, as well as her obsession with vanity, the subsequent skeletal phase, caused me to manifest my insecurities into anorexia. I was obsessed with kpop and celebrity gossip at the time and how the women looked, would visit skinnygossip and browse pro ana tumblr, which furthered my desire to lose weight. at my lowest I was probably 100 lbs at 5'5" (before gaining some height)-5'7" (after). though I lapsed out of my starvation by the time I was 21-22, I've not eaten normally since.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
my body has been weakened by it. First attempt at recovery, my immunity had been affected by my illness I'd contracted that almost killed me. I grew a couple more inches as a result of my improved nourishment, that I didn't expect. I started working retail in my late teens after this all happened. my joints and bones and muscles are quite weak, I bruise easily, I cramp. since I tend to eat one two meals a day, a bigger one, I spend about half the day fatigued. covid hasn't helped my relationship with food, when it was in its early stages and everywhere was closed, lost my motivation to overexercise and my solace with everything being closed and my socialization stifled was watching movies closed off from my shitty family and eating. I think that's when the binge cycles started, which would be followed by periods of eating less to counteract it. I have extreme body dysmorphia and a warped perception of my face. I hate the way I look, but I also can't stop looking at myself wanting to nitpick for areas of improvement. my only bright spot is my ass, pretty much all else is ugly to me. I wear mostly boyish clothes and form fitting outfits are a no no for me unless I'm going to some kind of event where I can mask my facial ugliness with makeup and hide my stomach fat with a cinched waist skirt or something. otherwise, nah.

Anyone else have this?

I dont really think that i have an eating disorder but i really dont like eating food. I eat very little and am very skinny and i absolutely hate it. I feel like a freak because of how skinny i am. Im guessing that im 5-10 kilos away from needing medical intervention. Taking all of that into consideration im still very unhappy with the fact that i have to eat every day if i want to look normal. I sometimes cry because im tired of not liking food.

>do you have an eating disorder?
I think I keep teetering on the edge of developing a full blown ED
>which one?
if I were to get diagnosed it'd probably be EDNOS
>are you attempting recovery?
no lol
>how long have you had it?
I started noticing disordered patterns my sophomore year of college (2 years ago) but it definitely got worse over quarantine
>what caused it?
was a tall and skinny kid, gained weight b/c my psychiatrist made me drink Ensure, lost most of the weight b/c of a stressful waitressing job, became terrified to gain it back
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it's not constant, but I get periods where I obsess over food and spend most of my day being anxious about what i'm going to eat. My body dysmorphia/low self esteem is a huge distraction from my coursework, I spend so much time wallowing in despair about my body and appearance and it's made my already low grades worse.

I feel like I have no choice but to try to be skinny because of how I'm built and the way my face looks. I'm tall (a little over 6'1") with a naturally slender bone structure, and when I'm at a low weight I have a fairly defined waist. My face is kind of wonky, but if I'm a little underweight, the model-esque proportions should make up for it, plus my face just looks better when I'm skinnier. I gained a few pounds recently and my face has suffered.

>>11656
even though this was posted awhile ago this might help others
it sounds like arfid which is actually more common than it seems, I personally have it and struggle with a disinterest in food and being overwhelmed by it along with a lot more. I suggest looking into it since there's quite a lot of symptoms for it that you wouldn't think count but do

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes

>which one?
anorexia, diagnosed

>are you attempting recovery?
not at all i would love to get worse as bad as that sounds
testing my limits when it comes to things like this is the only thing that excites me

>how long have you had it?
ive never really had a healthy relationship with food my whole life my mother tells me i hated eating even as a baby but ive only started having disordered thoughts as soon as i reached puberty so starting at age 12 i would say

>what caused it?
constant bullying by older women and my classmates at school and finding comfort in anorexia forums and sides of social media are all contributing factors to body dysmorphia which eventually gave me an eating disorder i feel like… and anyway i really like the sense of control it gives me and i would rather kill myself than to ever be made to work out starving works much faster anyway and muscles remind me of moids masculine is the last adjective i want attributed to me… but that doesnt mean i dont like muscles on other women

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
yes. i always take the time to look up calories in the foods im eating ( which is probably normal ? ) and i wont go over 500 calories. if i surpass 1000 cals in a day and i cant throw up instantly i start having a meltdown
currently aiming to weigh like 32kg lol seems like a good goal i have 7 more to go wish me luck ^_^

>do you have an eating disorder?
yep
>which one?
pick a card, any card
>are you attempting recovery?
im just fully lost rn i dont want to die i dont want to live
>how long have you had it?
5eva
>what caused it?
me
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
fucks everything up. all the time. i’ve re-typed this section 5+ times now, basically, Im just sitting here, an adult woman, crying in real time, kek hi anons

>>12435
samefag no longer crying might report back next month see how it goes

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
anorexia, restricting type
>are you attempting recovery?
no, was "recovered" (forced into recovery) a year and 4 months ago and now i'm working on getting back to my pre-recovery weight
>how long have you had it?
it started maybe 12 years ago, but my first honeymoon phase where i was restricting/fasting everyday was 9 years ago
>what caused it?
probably a combination of several things. i was called fat by my family as a kid (4-15 years old), but especially my brother, he always called me a pig and a cow and whatnot, but that might just be because he was a ballroom dancer and, now that i think about it, his trainers and peers must have put pressure on him for his body as well. i have always had a healthy bmi as a kid.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it absolutely does. i can't take a bite out of any kind of food without regretting it, wondering why i did that and how i'm disgusting. it has impacted my physical health immensely, problems with hormone production. i would say it accelerated my depression and ocd symptoms. at my lowest weight(s) i always noticed that i get more easily irritated, it would be way harder for me to study and i would give up after no more than 10 minutes, of course, low energy, fainting (especially in the shower for some reason?), i quit my job of 1.5 years because i was too embarrassed to state the fact that i would be going inpatient, stunted growth, warped perception of not only my body, but others too and so on.


writing this down actually reminded me of an instance where my brother pushed me down to measure my waist and compare it to his. now that i think about it, there was no way that was possible so he was probably lying (we have a 5 year age gap), but he said that my waist was bigger than his. i must have been 6-8 years old. it hurts just thinking about the fact that at that age i felt as if i was not good enough. i dont think i even fully understood what it meant to be fat, all i knew is that that's what i was and that it was a bad thing. and once i was old enough to understand it at least a little bit that's when i started trying to put in effort to change myself. i was a little girl, a kid. it hurts even more that i blame my kid self for ruining my life, making me unable to ever experience simple and pure happiness ever again.

>tfw I 90% recovered from an eating disorder and some of my weird behaviors around food was just the aspergers
feels good, I highly recommend it. So what if you feel fat sometimes, its not like you don't also feel fat sometimes when you're very underweight

>>4629
yeah
im 265 lbs
my life is a mess

>>4629
im 174 lbs i hate myself

At the supermarket today I bought:
Orange juice
Cold brew coffee
Iced tea
Tortilla chips

I feel like the guy from The Fantastic Mr. Fox who lives on nothing but apple cider, lol.

Asked for help on /fit/ but as you can guess they weren't so sympathetic. I appreciate that this may piss people off but I'm really worried as to why I'm not gaining weight anymore.

Been fat my whole life up until about pandemic time. I was losing weight eating 1500 cals a day (excluding cheat days), walking and dancing for half an hour three days a week. Got down to 130lbs which is what I wanted.

Then all of a sudden I couldn't stop losing (despite switching to eating at maintenance) and it's like something snapped in me and I was getting huge cravings. Ended up binging and purging on Xmas and other assigned 'mega cheat days', then dieting for the next week to make up for it. Realised I was overestimating my calories in general and allowed myself to eat more, especially since my period had stopped.
Nowadays I maintain 120lbs eating 2100 cals a day's worth each week. Considering how little I exercise and my very average height, this should be way too high. These days I lift for 30 mins, 3 times a week and walk for about 40 mins to an hour on weekdays and 30 mins on weekends, though I don't even lift very heavy and I was doing roughly the same amount of exercise as chubster in high school.

What scares me is when I go on mini holidays to this day I still binge pretty massively (eat over double maintenance for like two days in the week while I'm holidaying) and yet never seem to gain any weight. I've heard of anorexic recovery hypermetabolism but despite my calorie over-estimations and anxiety about gaining weight I'm sure I was never eating so little that my metabolism would be rocked in that way.

So wtf is wrong with me, am I sick? I've had a blood test and apparently hyperthyroidism isn't the issue. Any replies appreciated.

tldr despite my basic level of exercise and very average height I am for some reason able to maintain 120lbs at 2100 cals while other girls with similar weights and fitness levels maintain at way lower so I'm scared something's wrong with me

>>13364
can't help you sorry but i am extremely jealous of you

>>13369
Sorry to make you feel that way anon. I swear it's really annoying for me too because I can't stop worrying that I've got a serious underlying issue. Anyway, hang in there and good luck.

>>13371
Yeah of course, I'd be worried too even if there'd be a part of me that would love it, that part isn't mentally healthy. Any normal person would worry and I didn't mean to be disrespectful, it's totally normal and sane for you to be worried. I hope you find the cause. Maybe you really do just burn more than you think. 2100 sounds like a lot to a disordered mind but i know plenty of normal, non-disordered slim women who eat that much.

>>13380
No worries, I didn't take it the wrong way. Thank you for being encouraging. So much nicer talking to anon gals than some of the moids on /fit/

>>13384
tbh

Does being extremely picky to the point of not eating at all count as an ed? My taste and smell have been altered for some reason for 6 months (no, its not covid), so I cant eat at all and have lost a lot of weight as the result. i dont have any bosy dysmorphia though.

>>13421
I would state that an eating disorder generally refers to mental problems that are effecting the act of eating for you. For comparison, someone who doesn't have a jaw doesn't have an eating disorder even though they can't chew food unassisted right? The situation you're describing sounds similar to a severe case of depression, but it could also have biological causes instead of anything mental related. Have you talked to a doctor about this?

>>13421
Might be ARFID, but a legitimate lack of appetite sounds like less of an ED and more of a physical issue you should get checked out.

I'm not underweight but I obsessively count calories and stay in line with my set amount, only seem to get my period every three months now and I desperately scrape at my plate for more food when I finish. When it comes to the food desperation I don't even physically feel hungry but I figured it might be reactive eating and decided I'd let myself indulge this week. Why tf did my idiot self think I could be "reactive eating" when I'm not fucking underweight. I've had four binges this week and it won't stop (3500 cals, 6000 cals two days in a row and now another 3000). This is just my true pig self resurfacing and relapsing into being a fat fuck like I used to be isn't it holy fuck

>>13504
it can definitely be reactive eating even if you are not underweight.
>This is just my true pig self resurfacing and relapsing into being a fat fuck like I used to be isn't it holy fuck
don't talk to yourself like that. it's the same i used to talk to myself and all it did was lead to more binging. don't be so hard on yourself, you're not having a great week and shitting on yourself for it isn't going to make it better. you can do this, i promise you. it just takes time and making an effort in being gentle with yourself.

>>13511
Thank you anon, I appreciate it very much and am a little more chill now. Idk how it could be reactive eating if I'm technically at a healthy weight but maybe it's just not healthy for my own body.

>>13516
>>13504
Just to be sure, what do you think reactive eating is?

>>13517
Isn't it when you just instinctively eat whatever you can in front of you as a result of your body kicking into survival mode from starving for so long? That's why I worry I'm just binging, because I eat 2000 cals a day and am at a healthy weight. My main worry is that it's just happening because I've been overweight all my life and my body doesn't want to be anything but that anymore.

>>13519
Reactive eating, specifically, as far as I can tell, refers to you not feeling hungry until you have already started eating, and then you quickly get severely hungry, and, presumably, start eating a severe amount. This can happen to anyone, at anytime. It sounds like you are incredibly stressed, which is understandable. Your post has the connotation of "wasn't very hungry before eating", but I didn't read anything about feeling "incredibly hungry after eating" as much as you describing yourself binging. I can assume that to be the case, but I just wanted to make sure we were using the term the same way.
>My main worry is that it's just happening because I've been overweight all my life and my body doesn't want to be anything but that anymore.
That's very understandable, but just to clarify, you do understand the difference between your "body" hungering/wanting to be at a specific weight and your physical "brain" wanting you to do something, right?

>>13520
Yeah idk what's up with me tbh. I never really let myself feel hungry because I'm so eager to eat all the time. When I do eat, I end up practically licking the plate clean. I don't feel hungry when I do - it's very instinctive and I don't even notice myself doing it. My bf gets annoyed at me when he sees me eating the apple and the apple core because I apparently look so ravenous and it really concerns him.
>you do understand the difference between your "body" hungering/wanting to be at a specific weight and your physical "brain" wanting you to do something, right?
The reason why I thought it could be reactive eating is because I've read some people say that even if you aren't physically hungry, you end up doing what feels like a binge because your body is desperate for food. That sounds kind of like me but then I think after a certain point my binge brain takes over and it turns into excess. Thank you again for taking the time to chat anon btw. No pressure to keep it up, you've already been a big help

>>13524
I should add that when I say 'eager to eat' it's not really out of a feeling of hunger. I just desperately want it to be meal time. When it comes, I eat and eat super fast and don't want to stop for a second.

>>13524
> I never really let myself feel hungry because I'm so eager to eat all the time.
This is such a interesting phrase I don't know what to do with it, not negative, just this construct. What does "letting yourself feel hungry" entail? Like, I'm sorry to sound confused, but are you mentally rejecting physical stomach cramps?
> That sounds kind of like me but then I think after a certain point my binge brain takes over and it turns into excess.
Well, I think reactive eating is binging, but not all binging is reactive eating. If you're not specifically feeling hunger when you do the explosive binge, then I suppose it would be different, but, I again come to the question of what does "hunger" or "feeling hungry" mean to you?

>>13526
>what does "hunger" or "feeling hungry" mean to you?
I think for me it's feeling a bit of a pit in your stomach. I associate stomach rumbling with pretty intense hunger. I haven't felt anything like that in a long time because I always make sure to eat at set times after breakfast: lunch at 12 and dinner anywhere from 4:30 to 5pm. I feel guilty about dinner timing because that's obviously so early but I hate having to wait any longer than that.

>>13527
Well, I'm not a doctor, and I'm also not a psychiatrist, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. You said you were worried that it was just "your body wanting to return to being fat", and I'd strongly argue that this is incredibly unlikely unless you've been tested and actually proven to have an actual hormonal problem. Again I don't know you, diagnosing from a distance. From the very scant information I've gotten from you, you seem to have entrenched an incredibly dopaminergic surge within the act of eating, which would predict the extreme amount of anticipatory pleasure (or lack thereof, i.e. "I feel guilty about dinner timing because that's obviously so early but I hate having to wait any longer than that.") feeling extreme distress at having to put it off, and seeming to correct a low amount of pleasure to a manageable level while indulging. This being the case, it does not sound like reactive eating to me as much as you've… "hijacked" your reward system to revolve around food incredibly heavily, which gets activated while eating. This is neither good nor bad, it just is. Now, to be fair, it is downright impressive to hold back that strong an urge with, what I can only consider to be mental force of will, however, it seems by doing this act of, let's say, "repression' you are creating a stronger urge as time goes by, which would explain the binging episode. Now obviously, this strategy is working, else you wouldn't be doing it, but maybe there's a possibility of using another strategy? I'm not strictly saying that your current strategy will make this situation worse with time, maybe you've just got a few bad days and you'll be right back and spiffy in a bit, but there's also the possibility that the strategy you are using is making this reward wiring problem worse. Does this sound reasonable at all to you?

>>13530
Am honestly floored anon. I can't express how grateful I am that you've taken the time to listen and analyse and explain things in such a detailed and orderly way. What you're saying has definitely crossed my mind (or something quite similar) - that it may just be a result of how I've learned to perceive food and eating as a whole, though I didn't want to think about it too much because to me that basically means admitting that it's down to my own weakness but again, that's just how I perceive it.
> I'm also not a psychiatrist
Considering your analysis I have to ask, are you training to be one? It's all very impressive. If it interests you, I'm the anon from this post >>13364 which provides more context for my odd situation. Another reason why I decided to let myself indulge more this week is because of what I mention in that post - I'm concerned at how I seem to be able to maintain 120lbs at a very average height despite my 2100-cals-a-day's-worth-per-week and pretty unimpressive amount of exercise. Though please don't feel pressured to read that big block of text, just sending in case you are in some kind of training and that it may interest you further. Many many thanks again

>>13531
I meant to green the >I'm not a doctor because the stuff in that post is probably more suited to someone training for that field but yeah sorry I don't mean to take advantage of your good will

>>13531
>though I didn't want to think about it too much because to me that basically means admitting that it's down to my own weakness but again, that's just how I percieve it.
Well, I'm not sure I would call it a "weakness" per say, but, if that's what you want to call it for now that's fine. I would just say, maybe, as a higher tier strategy, I would think working on the "weakness" would perhaps be a better strategy to a healthy relationship with weight and food, as compared to your, admittedly, working strategy. Because again, if your current strategy was not helping, you wouldn't be doing it, but maybe, there exists a better strateg?
>Considering your analysis I have to ask, are you training to be one?
No, I just read a lot of books and listen to some people that have interesting perspectives on the topic. I can't say I'd want to be a medical practitioner because (and being the most precise in my speech I possible can) I don't like the interacting with people angle of the problem as much as the fixing of the problem, and those professions require people skills I just don't desire to muster, not to mention legal bullshit.
>Though please don't feel pressured to read that big block of text, just sending in case you are in some kind of training and that it may interest you further.
Oh I already read it some days ago, but I can't say anything about the physical realities it just isn't something I'm interested in. I could scarcely state that if you're definitely eating that many calories, only doing that much exercise, and have been professionally tested for hormonal problems. The next area that comes to my mind is whether or not you are properly "disgesting" food. I know nothing of this field, but if the physical number of calories going in is that high, and the activity that moderate, then maybe the calories/nutrients are not being absorbed during digestion?

>>13531
>but maybe, there exists a better strategy
Yeah, I'll definitely have to find one. I think quarantine really didn't help because all I had to think about was 'what am I going to eat next?' so my brain got in the habit of associating food with entertainment, in a weird way.
>I don't like the interacting with people angle of the problem as much as the fixing of the problem, and those professions require people skills I just don't desire to muster
I definitely get that. I've been told that I could be a psychologist or therapist of some kind but I'm only good on the analysis side of things and not nearly empathetic enough. Either way, you definitely seem to have a good head on you and I wish you luck in whatever you want to pursue. No doubts that you can accomplish it.
>he next area that comes to my mind is whether or not you are properly "disgesting" food.
I'll definitely raise that possibility with my doc. Hoping to get a referral to a dietician of some kind. Anyway, massive thanks again anon. If you're on this thread I'm assuming you've had issues with eating too? I wish you luck in that way too

>>13532
You aren't taking advantage of my good will at all, I find the conversation interesting, and it seems to be helping me develop a sense of reward from helping others with their problems which is novel.

>>13531
Very happy to hear it. Thanks so much again for all your help

I watched one Supersize vs Superskinny after years of forgetting about it and now YT is suggesting me "what I ate in a week//tw: ed" videos by teenagers who go "i ate 700 kcal today oh no i binged" and I can't with it. Fuck. Fuck this shit.

How much weight can someone gain from a week of binging? I've eaten enough to gain about 3.5 pounds but will it actually happen? Not anorexic or really someone with BED, just a restrictive eater who has some bad binges every so often. The idea of gaining that much terrifies me.

>>13555
Blank it out as best as you can anon. No YT vid can have any bearing on you or your progress.

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
anorexia

>are you attempting recovery?
i tried but gave up

>how long have you had it?
since middle school. i'm 22 now

>what caused it?
probably my mom since she's the reason of all my body insecurities. she even encourages me to skip meals so i can lose weight and blame everything on it (the fact my uterus have a smaller volume than normal and the I can't have periods or get pregnant, the pain on my legs when I jog, saying my legs can't sustain my body and other nonsense)

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it's hell because i'm always feeling bad about my body, plus dysmorphia and even if i'm starving i can't eat, it makes me feel guilty, i can't bite, so i just starve until i pass out and sleep

>>13840

forgot to add but college classes in person are back which means I skip dinner by drinking monster energy. :^)

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
used to be anorexic, now ednos
>are you attempting recovery?
yes
>how long have you had it?
~3 years
>what caused it?
a bad relationship + genetics
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it adds another layer of stress and worry that i didn't have before the eating disorder. before the eating disorder i would eat without thinking about it, and i wouldn't be anxious after eating. i would just eat when i was hungry, and i could think a lot more clearly. i am trying to recover and even that feels like it takes up so much energy it's hardly bearable. im lucky that i dont have any serious side effects like ibs that i hear some people with eating disorders suffer with. im mostly sick of this being a part of me. i dont want to have to think about it anymore.

>>13906
You can fix your problems friend, I believe in you! You are great!

i dont want to deal with food. everything seems so unappetizing even though i feel hunger. i dont want to put the food in my mouth, i dont want to chew it, i dont want to swallow. it's a pain in the ass. i wish i could do away with it all, but most of all i wish i didn't have to acknowledge or take care of my body.

>>14053
Consider drinking protein powder, put that stuff in a blender, throw a banana in there for fiber, you can add ice cream, berries, whatever. You are mostly liquid, liquids are your friend.

do you have an eating disorder?
Yes
which one?
Anorexia/bulimia
are you attempting recovery?
After 12 years it’s hard. I relapse often. My life is a cycle of being on top of my Ed.
how long have you had it?
Since I was 12
what caused it?
My need to be perfect.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I distrust people
My teeth are falling out
I have the heart of an old woman
Palpitations
Shit hair
I once got an infection in my saliva gland because I make myself sick after everything even water.
I can’t eat without feeling like world is in disarray
I mistrust sizes and scales
I put myself in a competition with every woman
I look very young
I ruined my life - I was a bright young girl and now I’m always fucking tired.
I’m so scared that my partner will find out how fucked up i am and leave me
I’m scared I won’t be able to have kids
I’m scared I won’t even live long enough to see them age
I make myself have diarrhoea everyday - mix of enema and laxatives
This makes me so scared of living with people
I honestly am so disgusting this disease has made me an abomination and I’m fucking sick of the glamourising it gets.

im scared. i keep having heart palpitations and im dizzy when i get up. im at a healthy weight now, even if i dont always have the healthiest eating habits. i've never been bulimic, just anorexic. could i have ruined my body forever?

>>14202
Are you anemic? That happens to me sometimes, especially if I've had caffeine for some reason.

>>14211
I feel you. I gained weight too and had to buy a bunch of new pants. I don’t know how much I gained bc I’ll have a mental breakdown if I weigh myself lol!

>do you have an eating disorder?
yup
>which one?
anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
not really
>how long have you had it?
i think about 6 years
>what caused it?
a mix of being asian and mildly chubby, sexual trauma, and seeing A LOT of proana content on tumblr when i was young
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i dont think about anything besides eating and im lightheaded to the point where working out is nearly impossible

I used ketamine to make me not hungry. I lost at least two stone and it felt amazing.
But I can't keep using it anymore, I feel disgusting when I eat now.

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
no, i relapsed recently
>how long have you had it?
around 3-4 years
>what caused it?
ive been body shamed my whole life by everyone but my family
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
anything bad that happens i seem to find a way to blame it on my body, its exhausting

currently suffering a lot lately. im hungry and not hungry. i feel the hunger pains. but i dont want to eat because it stresses me out. i feel like i cant find the split between by body and my soul anymore. the split between my thoughts and my feelings. im not sure

>which eating disorder do you have?
bulimia
>are you attempting recovery?
Not yet. I know I should, but I'm not ready yet. I feel like I don't deserve to recover, either, or like I'm making it up for attention, having developed it in my late 20's rather than adolescence like most women.
>how long have you had it?
A year and half. I always had disordered tendencies (I was diagnosed with BED at one point) but I started purging in this time.
>what caused it?
A combination of growing up as an anorexic's fat sister, the pandemic, and a pornography addiction. I felt like I had no control over my mind, life or body because of these three, so I started purging to feel somehow in control. Unsurprisingly it doesn't work like that.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I suffer, but I'm able to putter along and function right now.
I'm losing hair and my breath smells like shit no matter how much I brush my teeth, though, and I'm often tired and dizzy due to electrolyte imbalance. I love to work out, and I worry about the effects purging will have on my heart over time. I also feel ashamed by how wasteful my disorder is.

this is literally horrible. i want it to end and i feel like im suffering constantly. it is always hanging over my head. how do you get rid of anorexic behaviors? i havent been actively restricting for years but i still have problems keeping on weight and feeling gross when i eat.

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes
>which one?
Anorexia, I'm pretty sure, but it almost is a physical revulsion than a mental on at this point.
>are you attempting recovery?
Yes, partially through drinking a lot of milk which is my favorite drink and contains a lot of calories, in addition to trying to get myself to eat foods more and actually enjoy them rather than just force myself.
>how long have you had it?
6 years
>what caused it?
Not wanting to gain too much and conditioning myself to eat less, in addition to being prescribed medications that ruined my appetite.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I have a lot of trouble eating solid foods without

I lost my thigh gap and I fucking hate how I look now. I feel so disgusting. Every time I eat I feel like I lose. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way in the first place, and also for not being strong enough to be thinner. Fuck this.

it hurts to read this thread. i used to be anorexic/bulemic but got really lucky with therapy and got to see an amazing therapist for free at my university. to all the girls suffering reading this– please try to seek a therapist if you havent before, preferably one that practices DBT. there may be free or greatly reduced graduate students or something at your university. being this miserable is no way to live. i know well the desire to look thin and beautiful and aesthetically pleasing from every angle, but starving yourself is not really all for the sake of yourself, is it?

90 percent of your serotonin is produced in your gut. ive been regularly eating for a year now and ive been ridiculously happy every day, relative to my mood in the past. a few years ago in the peak of my ED i was really depressed and would just lay in bed all day starving and crying often. but after forcing myself to regularly eat, i just got urges to do things again and gradually became happier and happier. i put on like 10 pounds but no one notices besides me, and people still call me thin. also my hair's quality and shine also increased drastically and i got my period back.

i know most of you may not want to get better or think youre being productive by losing weight but i really think you should stop wasting your time wallowing in depression and self inflicted pain. no matter how thin you get, you will never feel better or happy with yourself, you will just keep finding something new to hate. starving is really bad for your body too, even if you don't think so. after months of continuous regular eating you'll notice changes in things you never even realized have gotten bad. it may not work as well for others but DBT therapy was the only way for me to permanently stop restricting/binging.

>>14748
>you will just keep finding something new to hate
This much is true, but I prefer to direct my hate towards things other than my own body for once. I am relapsing and everything is coming back, how everyone's so retardedly stupid and vapid, how much better people treat you, the double standard and the social punishment for not being extremely thin versus the pity and whiteknighting for having an ed. I almost regret forgetting about it. There is no way to win.

I was always thin and weirdly envious of spooky anachans since I was very little, but I only became dedicated towards losing a lot of weight at the beginning of the covid lockdown.

I was riding on covid-induced unemployment checks, so I would leave the house and just walk all day, every day - far away so I couldn’t come home too early, and I’d bring no money with me so I couldn’t buy anything to eat. I did this for months, and it was easy because I was temporarily living on my own.

But once I started living with other people again - people who constantly cook for me - all my sense of control crumbled away, and I couldn’t seem to stop eating once I started having normal portions again… I subsequently discovered it’s extremely fucking easy for me to purge. However, even if I’m puking up all my food, ingesting it in the first place makes me painfully ravenous. Constantly starving, only able to focus on food and how hungry I am. I’d never be able to pull off a single day of normal eating, let alone the fasts I used to do. I feel like a whole different person.

Nowadays I come home from work and binge-purge over and over again until I physically can’t stand it anymore because I have to go to sleep. Around 10 times a day, I am puking. It’s been a year of this and no method I try seems to stave off the desperate hunger. At this point, I’ve given up on healthy eating and just buy tasty binge food so I can at least enjoy the experience of slowly killing myself.

I’m sure if I stopped purging that my body would stabilize and I’d become less hungry over time. But every time I let that happen, I see my body become bigger, and the pain is worse than any of the sores in my mouth. I don’t see any way out. I just want this to kill me already. It’s my whole life. What’s hilarious is that I’m barely underweight, too. No one in my life will ever realize I’m struggling at all because I look normal. Above all things, I either want to die, or to visually waste away so everyone gets that I’m actually hurting. I masochistically want to harm myself in this way, and sadistically want to harm others with the sight of me (or my dead body).

Idk. I realize on a cognitive level how stupid and pointless this all is but I can’t stop. I can’t even take any psychiatric medications that might help me because they either make you more hungry (unethical to prescribe because it would exacerbate binge urges) or less hungry (unethical to prescribe because of my anorexic desires). I feel like a lost cause

>>14862
i'm actually kind of surprised to hear that from you because i had thoughts really similar to those, and i still kind of do. its just entirely unfair. it seems like girls with unrivaled beauty live a completely different life– a life brimming with unconditional love and opportunities.

i remember constantly thinking i didn't wanna be treated like shit my whole life for not being skinny and pretty. but i think i've come to believe that there are plenty of people in the world who are capable of loving and treating others fairly regardless of appearance. there are many people who will fall in love with and treat others well based on how attractive they are, but there are also a lot of people out there who aren't so vapid. why do you think you're the only one with these ideals? you're not. do you really care that much about being liked by such a stupid and shallow group of people? i think i'm really lucky because i got to meet some people who proved to me that my worth wasnt in my appearance to them and i dont really think id be able to change my mind about these things if they didn't stick with me when i was being cringe. so i can imagine that a girl who lacks the personal support that i received may stay stuck in a mentality that all people are vapid at their core.

>>14896
im so sorry anon. that sounds terrible. i feel lucky that purging has never been easy for me. i know you won't do anything until you actually want to, but if you want to stop, i'd really recommend you find a therapist who practices DBT. idk where u live but i live in USA and a lot of states are offering free psychological services at this time because of the pandemic. your state/country might be the same. i really hope you can find the strength to find resources because purging like you do is incredibly dangerous and will lead to really awful permanent physiological things in the future, if you haven't started experiencing them already.
>What’s hilarious is that I’m barely underweight, too. No one in my life will ever realize I’m struggling at all because I look normal. Above all things, I either want to die, or to visually waste away so everyone gets that I’m actually hurting.
i relate to this so much, i was also barely underweight, and it was so frustrating and shameful for me feeling like my "efforts" or the amount i was suffering wasn't reflected in my body. but i think part of it is you are never going to look thin to yourself. you may manage to notice areas that have lost weight but you will always notice the areas with remaining fat more. also maybe the people in your life notice you've lost a lot of weight but don't say anything for a multitude of reasons.

anyway there's so much more than looking thin in life. and being adored by vapid people for your fatless legs isn't meaningful, valuable, nor fulfilling.

started ed treatment today!
im feeling very good about it. eating the food is still hard but i feel like i will get through it. if any other anons need a sign to get treatment, this is it.

I can feel myself relapsing

i had anorexia when i was about 14-17, ive mostly recovered now. i was always a thin child and everyone would comment on how skinny i was. i gained a little weight as i hit puberty - still thin, about bmi 19 and i couldn't handle it.

i starved to bmi 16, 45kg at my lowest. i miss it so much and i miss being that thin. im 20 now and every few months i will try again but i just can't commit and im constantly angry at myself for it. i have no gag reflex and cant even purge so i have to starve.

my friend has an ed though (she won't admit it but i know) so i always feel i have to compete with her in terms of thinness. she just started antipsychotics again and im secretly happy that she'll gain weight because of them.

for me, its hard to see it as a bad thing. i actively want to be fully anorexic again. i can't even see it as a disorder because its my choice to relapse or recover. if i get sick of starving then its not hard for me to eat normally again.

>>15933
I'm sorry to hear you're going through those hard thoughts and wishes, anon.
May I ask you about this?
>i was always a thin child and everyone would comment on how skinny i was
I have heard this from several anorexic women. What is it that you couldn't handle? Did you feel validated when you were a skinny kid and then that validation was taken away when you weren't so skinny? Was it an identity thing? Did people actively praise your thinness before?
You don't have to answer if you're not comfy talking about it, I'm just curious about this pattern.

>>15940
You can talk about your problem without shaming random women on an imageboard, btw. How would you feel if someone posted you here?

>do you have an eating disorder? which one?
I think i have a binge-restrict, cyclical type of ED. I have tried purging but due to frequent vomiting due to anxiety in preschool, I just cannot bring myself to. I eat under xxx calories and try to burn xxx calories and avoid the bread aisle but spend all day watching videos about food.

My binging used to be terrible. I dealt with trauma by ignoring it and stuffing my face to numb the pain, which I still do, without eating triple my BMR. I've actually come to terms with the fact that I binge about a year and a half ago and it feels very freeing. I used to be so insanely ashamed.

>are you attempting recovery?
No. But I try to reduce harm.

>how long have you had it?
I've been aware of my body and how much I hate it since i was around 6 but restricting didn't kick in until I was about 13 or 14, all attempts being failures of course. It always led to a binge. My body was slim-average, but my breasts developed before middle school and I think I still feel dysphoric due to them. Other girls would point it out. At one point, I had befriended three girls over holiday and we had to change in front of each other. I was the only one with a real underwire bra and I don't know if I was so grotesque at 13, or if the girl was jealous, but two of them gave me the cold shoulder and ignored me entirely until the end of that trip. Only one of them still bothered to hang with me.

My binging only got worse after I was prescribed seroquel, which I was on and off until I stopped cold turkey right before I turned 20. My mom died right before I turned 18 and I dove headfirst into alcohol and food and I ballooned up to 168 lbs at my height of 5'2. I was so in denial and just ate until it hurt and it was so pathetic. I tried to do keto and restrict but it only made me binge more. At 21, I moved and I don't know what changed but my fasting and restricting made a difference this time. I dropped weight and maintained 110 lbs for a year now. I'm disappointed in myself.

>what caused it?
Aside from tumblr and media, I think my parents played a big role.
My mom always complained about her weight and her nose, and growing up I adopted these insecurities.
My dad has an obsession with health, specifically diet and healing the body through a raw paleo diet. It honestly makes me think he might be on the spectrum sometimes. He has an entire library's worth of books about fasting and dieting and exercise. I learned about good and bad foods before I learned how to read. My mom would sneak 'bad' foods (like chocolate and soda) and we would hide them from my dad, who would throw them away if he found them. This habit has led me to hide food and hoard the 'evidence' (trash) even at uni. It's really embarrassing.

My parents saw me gain more weight, my dad especially following my mom's passing. Even when people around me would make jokes about how I got fat (a year after her death, which I'm pissed about), my dad would only ever lecture me about making the right choices. I love my dad for never stooping down to their level. Since childhood, I'd say 'I'm hungry' and he'd say 'Good. It's good to stay hungry.' I know he meant it with good intent, but it messed me up so, so bad.

I'm not resentful towards my parents, especially not my dad. Diabetes and cancer run in both sides of my family and he's seen close relatives die due to conditions fueled by poor diet.
Nowadays, my dad asks if I've eaten and that I can't skip meals. I was reading on the couch once, a little hunched over and he said 'I can see the bones in your spine.' He was really proud of me for losing the weight at first, and that fueled me, that recognition made me want to keep going. However after the 50 something pounds, on two occasions, he's told me I need to stop losing weight, and that he's 'afraid of me developing anorexia.' I feel really sad that he was even thinking that and I feel guilty that I can't eat normally. He's only ever wanted us to stay healthy and I feel guilty that I've somewhat swung the other way.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I only care about food. I can spend all day on youtube watching videos about dieting, eating food, cooking food, Amberlynn Reid (lmao). My body dysmorphia has reached astronomical levels, sometimes I spend all day in my room because the thought of my roommates seeing me in the kitchen or on my way to pee makes me want to split my head open. I have pretty much 0 irl friends since moving to a new country and the thought of making them makes me want to dry heave (even though I desperately want them).

Apart from your run of the mill near fainting/fatigue/irritability/hoarder shut-in behavior, I've had a kidney infection (learned that dry fasting is fucking stupid the hard way) and failed uni this year because I am so wholly unable to keep my head above water anymore. I'm meant to be taking B-12 supplements because I also developed weird delusions about food (mainly being poisoned whenever I eat types of food, such as animal protein) and have cut them out completely for my own sanity's sake since it was making me have panic attacks each time.
I just want to reach my gw. I need therapy and I'm tired of pretending I care about my future.
Sorry this is so long and rambly, I just can't believe this is the life my 7 year old self grew up into.

>>15758
update:

I have been in treatment for almost a month and a half now. I am feeling better but still struggle with thoughts of starving myself. looking back at some of my old posts from this thread, i feel bad for my former self. i wish i had never begun restricting. i wish i hadnt wasted my time with picking myself apart. im posting here so that s can see that even if you are down in the depths of your ed you can still get better someday. i dont want anyone to give up hope. maybe im posting this so that if i ever give up hope again, i can remember this.

some of my old posts:
>>14596
>>14053
>>13857

>>15941
shut up fatty, please. If they don't want to be ridiculed maybe they should learn healthier habits and not draw attention to themselves in public. Go back to reddit with this dribble

>>16010
people like you generally are the kind to project no offense. hope you recover from your atypical anorexia anon

>>16010
nona is having a normal one clearly…I hope someone ridicules on tiktok the next time you look slightly weird in public

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
Binging without purging.

>are you attempting recovery?
Yes. I'm seeing a specialist and taking medication. I've been put on a really low carb diet, not keto, just high protein and lots of vegetables that aren't starchy without any set calorie restrictions. The combination seems to be helping since I haven't had a binging episode in a while. But I'm afraid I'll relapse like I did the last time I lost a ton of weight.

>how long have you had it?
I don't really know. I've had problems with weight since I was a young kid but I don't consider that due to binging.

>what caused it?
Don't know.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
It's made me really fucking fat and so I can't really do a lot of things I enjoy very well like hiking. It's also probably led to me being unable to hold a conversation since you don't get a lot of practice socializing when most people try to pretend you don't exist.

Binge eating. I honestly miss being anorexic

>>16010
People like you give people with EDs a bad name. You reinforce the idea that anorexics are narcissistic bullies.

im zooted now except this time i actually have munchies like girl this is not aligning with my anorexia

>>4629
>do you have an eating disorder?
duh

>which one?
was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa with bed tendencies ( accès hyperphagiques ) but tbh i've spent most of these years in a bed phase, extreme diet attempts just triggered a huge binge cycle which lasted for years and from which I got out through 6 whole months of actual anorexia. i've lost all my binge compulsions (i still get intrusive thoughts but stopped giving into them somehow). never was able to purge although i've tried countless times but i'm not mad tbh, i'd have spiraled into something much darker i think.

>are you attempting recovery?
i got hospitalized at the end of april as i was bmi 11.4, but as there are no actual ed wards where i live it was a regular hopital, i had a huge shock and immediately decided to recover when the following morning of having eaten my first hot meal in 6 months my edema which made my ankles larger than my knees had deflated very noticeably, my mind felt clear, the permanent haze had been mostly lifted. after 3 weeks since i had gained until bmi 13, my heart rate was above 60, my blood level had gone back to something correct, since i was motivated & eating all my meals, they discharged me as they awfully lack hospital beds. It's almost been 3 months since that discharge and i've only went up to bmi 13.2, i'm supposed to drink a fresubin every day but i can't bring myself to do it as the amount of sugar makes me terribly sick. the more time passes the more i let my ed and need for control take over me again, i'm now cooking all my meals and my mom's (i'm 18, so i live with her, i had a student flat all school year though), weighing my carbs and making them swell like crazy by cooking them for 30-40min instead of like 10, reducing my portions slowly, although i never skip a meal and still eat quite a lot (at least 1700, but at the hospital i was on a 2500 meal plan), i can't help but count my cals automatically and feel like i have to balance lunch at dinner if it was " too much ". my mom has a bmi of 18, a tiny appetite and adhd which causes a lot of conflicts between us as she eats under 1000 everyday for sure, can't sit still and it's starting to get less and less bearable which each day that passes, i get super aggressive and feel like throwing up when i compare my eating to hers, although i literally never eat junk food, i've eaten pizza once at the hospital and had like olive oil in my salad but as soon as i got given the freedom to choose my meals again i let all my fears take over me and now i'm afraid of a single drop of oil touching my food, it's ridiculous because i can eat hundreds of cals of fruits & vegs with no guilt (except avo & banana, i love them tho). for 5 days i've been working out my abs & arms in the morning and walking for at least 2h, the more i allow my ed concessions the more it wants, it's never enough and i'm scared of where i'm heading. my doctor seems to think i'm lying to him when i say i've never purged, ever, as i went from 38.9 kg to 39.6 in 3 months of supposed (intentional) over-eating. but i have a naturally rather fast metabolism, don't drink my fresubin & have been walking more and more which explains the phenomenon. i'd say i'm in semi recovery as i'm still motivated to gain, i find my naked body ugly ( although i still get shocked looks from people in the street, that enable my overly developped attention seeker side and make me want to remain that way ), i know i need some body fat to get my period back and stop my bones from crumbling inside, but i think comparing myself to my mom is what holds me back the most. tonight she only ate a boiled egg, a small bowl of melon & a nature yogurt while i had to eat 40g pasta, a banana & a slice of bread on top of that which made me feel awful. so yeah, semi recovery. because i'm never going back to having my heart feeling like it's eating itself from the inside & not being able to jump or get up in my bed, i'm not that crazy anymore.

>how long have you had it?
i have been heavily paying attention to what i eat since i was 7, claiming i didn't like fries & candies to others as i wanted to appear perfect, on the same tone as being the best student in my class etc. i've started engaging into actual restriction & cals counting at 13, then spiraled into a long, long binge cycle during which i gained 20kg, which i've lost & more through my anorexia phase.

>what caused it?
the absolute need to be perfect, better than others. i am also a control freak & i realise it more everyday. i was a "naturally" ( avoided junk food but never restricted my intake to lose ) skinny kid ( bmi 11-12 ) but as puberty hit i got "depressed", started eating my emotions & laying in bed a lot, which caused some gain ( around bmi 15, but i was 13 ), and after a doctor visit i lost my shit & started restricting.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
food and basically occupies all my thoughts. it's almost killed me before i went inpatient, too. it's put my mom in an awful situation for months as she saw me getting worse & worse the few times i accepted to see her, without being able to do anything, she couldn't sleep at night but my selfish ass was so caught up in my euphoria of looking like a corpse that i didn't care. now it's still fucking her life up as i get super agressive in the blink of an eye when her behaviour triggers me and end up regretting it later, i tell myself i won't react the next time but i always end up giving into the impulsion. she didn't ask for anything & is so fucking kind, too kind even, and all i do is hurt her. doesn't help she's unemployed & i'm going to be homeschool for my 2nd uni year as i'm not allowed to live alone again for now, so we're basically 24/7 over each other.

i want to get better & just forget it all as if i never had anything and i'm scared of the control my ed is slowly getting back over my life. but at the same time i'm scared of ever going over bmi 15 or a toned bmi 16, my highest weight was bmi 21 and it terrifies to ever get close to this again. binge eating & being that weight ruined my 2 last years of highschool, as here in france most teen girls are underweight.

sorry for the long post, i've never told anyone except a few therapists & it felt nice to write it down while being anonymous.

fuck ed's, i wish all of us to find happiness again.

trying to do a 3 day fast but i am so hungry after 1 day

ive absolutely relapsed and i am starting to restrict my meals and purge anything i do eat.
i am in a really shitty place in my life right now and the only thing making me feel euphoric is watching the number on the scale drop. i started rejecting invites from my friends because i dread that eventually theyre going to want to eat out.

>>16417
that was the worst part of being in active ed for me. everyone wanted to fucking go out to eat all the time.

>>4629
> do you have an eating disorder?
I think so.
> which one?
I honestly don't know and I'm not diagnosed with anything. I restrict my calories so that I eat less than 500 a day on weekdays but I binge eat on weekends (up to 2000 calories which is a lot for me) without purging because I'm afraid of vomiting.
> are you attempting recovery?
No, that's why I'm not diagnosed.
> how long have you had it?
2 years.
> what caused it?
Wanting to look more elegant and feminine. I like that my partner can pick me up and carry me around.
> how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I'm hungry and tired all day until I can eat dinner but it's worth it.

>>4629

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?

Diagnosed anorexia but more bulimic behaviours

>are you attempting recovery?
No

>how long have you had it?
6 years

>what caused it?
Sexual abuse, need to feel in control whilst comforting my emotions with food. As well as neglect.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Cannot live a normal life. I don't eat in the day, the night time is reserved for my bp sessions.

I'm so tired of this illness but I want to get to the bmi 12s by December. I'm currently bmi 14s but my life is all about binging. I love food, I work constantly and do art commissions to fund it, I also am in a bit of debt now. I end up doing disgusting nsfw commissions since it's all I can get work for and it's disgusting but it pays.id rather not be bulimic, but I want to get to a low weight first, it's irrational. I wake up in pain and almost hungover daily but the drive is still there. I'm disgusting and greedy, but food makes me so happy. I can fill the void with thoughts of weight loss and get rid of the pain with food. It's such a contradiction. I wish I never developed it to begin with but I don't want to be rid of it either. I feel silly, I can't really relate to many other ed people.

>do you have an eating disorder?
maybe
>which one?
bulimia probably i dont really know much about these things, i mostly just purge when i go over my calorie count which happens maybe once a week
>are you attempting recovery?
no
>how long have you had it?
i dont know i used to throw up a lot as a kid and choose not to eat and so i was always really skinny, then i started gaining wait a few years ago but now i hate what i look like
>what caused it?
i hate the way my body looks when it has fat on it, i dont fit into the pants i used to fit into when i was 18 or even 20
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i'm starting to feel really guilty about eating now, i'm thinking if i can restrict more and make my stomach smaller and avoiding binging then i can be like i was when i was a kid and pickier with food and just naturally eat a lot less, i just end up stress eating so often like when i'm cramming for a test. It's my last year of uni so if i can just control myself then I don't have to worry about stress eating too much and i can be skinny again

Just bought a bunch of candy from 7-Eleven and threw it all up. I feel like shit but I'm glad I got most of it out of me.

>>16979
>wake up with a severe hoarse cough the next morning, shakes, sweats
Any other bulimic anons experience this…? Might get myself a COVID test as well…

I don’t have an eating disorder but I’m worried about developing one. I count calories for everything I consume with no exceptions and I’ve set many limits for myself over the years but I almost always go over them daily and just feel bad about myself. I’ve gone through periods of weight loss where I fast and exercise enough to lose 25 lbs in like 2 months but then I usually just gain it back immediately. I have purged before too but I don’t regularly do it. I’m healthy and I just go back and forth between slightly underweight to the high end of the normal range, but the thing is, I really want to be underweight because I know it would be really hard for me to get fat at that point. If I did the intuitive eating thing and let myself as much as I wanted to every day, I would become overweight very quickly.

I love food so much, especially sweet/baked goods, and eating food is literally the only thing that makes me happy. I rarely let myself have them but I’m always thinking about when I can have my next piece of cake or a cookie or whatever. I feel compelled to lose more weight because I daydream about getting to a point where I can just eat junk food all day without even being in danger of getting fat. Maybe I’m addicted to food or something?

>>16984
The best idea would be to talk with someone before it goes wrong. Having so many contradictory rules and behaviours at the same time is not a good sign (I mean you want to starve yourself and eat junkfood all day).

I have picked up Brain Over Binge, does anyone have read it?

i cannot emphasize enough that you should never start purging, because its incredibly addictive.
i have long fallen out of my "honeymoon" phase of my ED, and my consistent purging has definitely caught up to me. I get heartburn so easily. The few times I eat a normal meal, I start feeling nauseous and end up vomiting for relief. My teeth feel so sensitive, if I eat something that is a little too sweet it starts hurting my teeth.
I feel trapped now.

>>17509
>its incredibly addictive
Not for me. I have to mentally force myself to purge bc of how physically unpleasant the experience is.

So I hadn't ate anything since Saturday and my blood pressure crashed at work and I fainted, now my boss wants a doctors note but im not sure how to do that, any advice?

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes
>which one?
Anachan
>are you attempting recovery?
No and probably never will again
>how long have you had it?
over 10 years
what caused it?
Depression, self-hatred, psychotic self-image, unfulfilling shitty life
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I don't do anything except stay home, eat next to nothing and workout. Giving into my disordered habits and views is what keeps my mind going and gives me something to do and to look forward for and some sense of control. I have nothing else but this.

I’m recovering from bulimia because it got too expensive and I started to feel like it was making me gain weight, but I’ve been so ridiculously and painfully bloated since I stopped, I think the food I eat just sits in my stomach instead of digesting and I can’t take it. All i think about is eating, and I always feel super nauseous and sick and my stomach is just distended and I don’t know what to do about it, I’ve been trying to stick to 1200ish calories a day and workout so if I gain weight at least it’s muscle and I get more of a shape/ a butt but I feel like it’s all going to my stomach and I just feel so gross what do I do to make this better, I miss being able to restrict or fast or have any self control around food, and for my stomach to not hurt 24/7

>>17530
a doctors note for what? to prove you didn't fake fainting?

remember your boss is not entitled to any private medical info. you don't have to tell them what you're sick with because it's none of their business, they can't legally ask for details. any doctor note you give them should be extremely sparse and stick to direct and factual restrictions and dates

>>17534
it's just gonna be like that for a week or two. eating some pickled foods might make you feel better (kimchi, lactic acid pickles, "probiotic" stuff but don't go crazy since it gets pricey) but even if you do nothing it will pass. drink your water.

>take antidepressants
>makes me lose all apetite
>cant even eat if i want to
>feel like i'm so full there's already food in my throat when i haven't eaten in days
>accidentially become anafag on the meds as a result
>but at the same time no more bipolar symptoms while on the meds
which would you choose?

>>17558
I also lost my appetite, on Prozac. But it came with the side effect of daily heartburn so I'm on Lexapro now. It's better, no side effects and my appetite is back. I'm bulimic though so lol.

>lose weight unintentionally because I got into an physically active hobby
>see someone today who met me at the beginning of hobby
>she tells me I lost weight
>I take the compliment and am obviously happy & flattered because my BMI was overweight during the pandemic
>start panicking thinking of how embarrassing it would be if I gained it all back and she saw me again
It's nice that it's noticeable enough for people to notice but fuck it makes me scared.

sometimes i feel like im faking my ed bc my "meals" will be a sugar free energy drink and a bag of 4 oz cheez-its. i fully acknowledge that is nowhere near the healthy amount of calories to consume in a day, on top of going to the gym daily. but in my head i keep denying that its an ED

i have ARFID/selective eating disorder. it makes functioning regularly so difficult. i go to university and i hate eating any of the food on campus. i have to buy my very specific groceries 2x a week and most of the things i eat aren’t exactly the most healthy. my weight has been in a steady decline since i was 14. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to go out to eat with my friends and not have to ask for substitutions at restaurants. it sucks.

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes
which one?
>Binge eating, restricting, unhealthy diets.
>are you attempting recovery?
Yes, but I go back into the abyss from time to time.
>how long have you had it?
Since I was 14 years old. Still have it at 19.
>what caused it?
I don't exactly remember what it was, but it had to with me going through puberty and comparing my body to the bodies of other girls my same age. And also it had to do with me feeling isolated from all the other girls, I felt like there was no place for me in their world, and so I had to work hard to earn that place (for no reason retarded 14yr old me thought that meant she had to lose weight like crazy kek).
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
One could say that it has ruined a good part of my social life because I am so obsessed with food, my body fat, and judging other girl's bodies. I cant even go outside wearing the clothes I like, everything feels wrong, too tight against my skin, "I need to lose some weigth" its what I think everytime I put on my clothes.
Worse thing I've done (thought its not really something bad, just stupid) was developing a nicotine addiction because all my life I heard that cigs cut the hunger. So as soon as I turned 18, I started smoking 3 ciggaretes a day, Ive been doing it for 2 years. I dont do it anymore but I dont feel bad for it, deep inside I feel happy and proud of myself when I skip a meal to just go smoke.

>>18074
>smoking
I never really see people with cigarettes anymore. Now pretty much everyone I know who uses nicotine products has switched to vapes

I don't think I have an eating disorder but I think I easily fall into disordered eating. I've been counting calories for like 12-13 years, so it's pretty much automatic now. I was eating at a pretty healthy amount every day and hitting good macros. But I went out and drank and ate a lot last weekend and I've been eating at a 1000 calorie deficit for the past few days to make up for it. I'm trying not to repeat the pattern this weekend because it's surprisingly easy to live off protein bars and coffee but I don't imagine it's very healthy in the long run.

i don’t wanna put anyone i love through the discomfort of seeing my condition/talking to me about it. i’ve been reverting back to my old habits lately and have tried recovering so many times but it just doesn’t stick. i’m just so used to being underweight to the point where it feels strange not to be; i feel addicted to it. i can’t feel good about myself without it, i know it’s pathetic yet i can never fully stop. it’s become a part of me but i just with i could atleast stop unintentionally hurting others because of my own problems. i wish i was never anorexic to begin with but it’s too late

Is there anyone else who developed anorexia before they hit puberty? I was bullied for being chubby when I was a kid, and at 11 I developed my eating disorder. Health complications aside, I’m just so tired of this all. I remember wanting to chop the fat off my stomach when I would have been about 5, and even though I’m not fat now, I gained weight in my latter teen years because of finally hitting puberty (albeit very late). I can’t stand my body, but especially my breasts. I feel so fat because of them, for a couple years I even used to bind them to feel better, but that made them saggy and look even worse. I can’t get over my complex of wanting to be a skinny preteen again physically, which is horrible to admit. I don’t want breasts or the curves I developed and I feel so uncomfortable in my own body because of them. I so desperately want to lose weight again, it’s all I think about every single day. I’m miserable to be honest and I can’t even talk to my therapist about it.

>which one?
orthorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
I sometimes do but I can never unlearn how many calories or nutrients there is in food.
>how long have you had it?
1 year
>what caused it?
Gaining 20 pounds freshman year of college. I didn't notice it until mom started mentioning it.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
It's made me more aware of beauty and aesthetics. I wouldn't say I'm fatphobic in the autistic way people are, though. I also now plan all of my meals everyday. It's made me develop a work ethic and grit. I now exercise and go the gym, I'm also more sensual and more aware of my body. I'm also not into vending-machine food like I was before. I no longer feel tempted by chips and soda.

>>4629
I didn't eat at all today but I tried making a BLT for dinner. I cut it in half and barely managed to eat a half of a BLT before spitting it out. So I maybe got 30 - 50 calories.

Is that OK? Will that fuck up my streak?

I think I just give up on recovering honestly, though at the same time I feel like shit for making things so hard for my boyfriend. I wish I could be normal for more than just a week or two. It’s just that every time I feel bad happens, it’s the first I go back to. My weight is always fluctuating and it’s visible when I’m under 17 bmi which makes it hard to hide. Everyone just thinks I’m fucking crazy like I chose to be this way.

>>4629
I eat breakfast cereal for every meal

I've been going between restricting, purging and 'eating normally' for two years now chewing and spitting is my best of both worlds. I've always felt that every inch of my being is average so in my mind losing weight quickly is the best way to shock people. It's very silly and I haven't been underweight ever either. The amount of time it takes away from my day, especially studying, is what makes me most ashamed.
>>18490
What cereal? I love granola or bran flakes I swear it's not another form of self harm

>do you have an eating disorder?
yep, now it's some mix of orthorexia/anorexia.

>are you attempting recovery?
not at all.

>how long have you had it?
eating disorders for over a decade and a half, this current flavor of ortho probably about three years on and off.

>what caused it?
a lot of factors coming in at once during a tumultuous childhood.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't disrupt it, it's a huge cornerstone of it - all day spent recouping so i can get back on an exercise machine for another 30-60min. currently up to two and a half hours a day which was nice but now i'm feeling like it isn't enough, physical disability impeding my efforts be damned.

I’m back at it like a crack addict

>>18561
nooo the kitty

BMI 17 I said screw this and started forcing myself to eat donuts and pieces of cake every day and I'm chubby now I can't see my ribs anymore now BMI 27

i have binge eating disorder, but with an autistic "it must be in my limited palate or i will starve myself and binge worse" twist
it developed because i lived with my abusive grandmother for two years, and she would forbid me to eat at all so long as she was awake. i was only chubby, and yet she was paranoid about me becoming diabetic, because i ate a single grape. she'd threaten me constantly, too. so i could only eat while she was asleep.
i had from midnight to 5 in the morning to eat anything at all, for an entire 24 hours. i never lost a single pound due to the amount i'd eat.
she was also extremely upset that i'm a ssa female with gid, a ftm, a lesbian, whichever you choose or believe, point stands she didn't like i wasn't trying to marry a man and wasn't trying to be ladylike. she kicked me out over this, and i gladly left.
but despite the cause being separated, i was still struggling with binging. and still am, a year and a half later. it even got worse.
so that's approximately three years with it, and i haven't attempted recovery, if only because i don't know what to do and my psychologist recommended i, someone with both caffeine induced anxiety and a potent caffeine/soda addiction, drink one cup of coffee for a full meal replacement and eat one small plate of healthy food a day, and only one plate a day. this obviously doesn't work for someone with a bmi of 38 and a violent reaction to hunger due to their medication. (intense shaking/jittering, lots of salivation, confusion, loss of balance, et cetera.) so i'm pretty much fucked from the get-go. no idea what to do.
i also absolutely love my current weight and how it looks, i'm 5'7-8 and have a weight of 240 exactly. (gid effects genitals and the perception of others, not weight, thats bdd/bidd), but i don't want to go through 3 people's worth of food every sitting without my body spazzing out. if i lose my figure that way, so be it, but it's annoying, expensive, and deeply disturbing if you ponder it long enough. and god, the hunger pangs. you could have just eaten and your body still feels like nothing went in. and one bite more and you feel like you're ill because the nausea, you can feel. but the fullness? completely doesn't occur. i never feel "full." i lack the ability to, i always have. i was very thin untill i was about 14-15, and now i'm an adult. my body's negative reaction to hunger started at around there as well, and my antipsychotics and antidepressants were both drastically increased in dosage around then, too. even at my large size, i'm thankful for my relatively small breasts and nonexistent ass and hips, because it makes "passing" easier, even if my voice breaks the illusion once i state my age.

>>18491
I looked at this last week amazed that I hadn't purged not too long after posting it yet I'm now back ejecting a sleeve of cookies.

>do you have an eating disorder?
ya, ednos i fall into restricting and binge/purging cycles
>are you attempting recovery?
no
>how long have you had it?
idk, i first started purging in 4th grade but didnt become super disordered until i was in 7th grade
>what caused it?
fatphobia + my obsessive-compulsive disorder
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
feel guilt over everything im eating, cannot throw out food b/c guilt so i end up overeating and then binging, comparing myself to everyone basic ed shit.
in 2021 i started fasting more and more again, ive always been average or a little overweight and never got below bmi 19 unfortunately. i found that high res worked best for me but i ended up eating less and less until i couldn’t take it and went into a binge cycle. my lowest weight at that time was 105 lbs, i maintained at 115 until the second half of 2022 where i gained 30 pounds for no reason. i’ve been fasting every day for weeks but i cannot get the fucking weight off me and it just feels hopeless. part of me is wondering if i have pcos for some shit but maybe i’m just making excuses for being a lazy fuck. it’s incredibly hard for me to lose weight and idk why

I try to quit and then find myself relapsing. It's past the point of just wanting to be super skinny. I've noticed friends and my mom commenting about how thing I look lately but I can't see it. I just feel average (skinny fat).

I don't even know if I necessarily care about my initial goal of just weight loss. I lost all of the weight I initially planned to get rid of and I'm still not happy with my body. I recently got off of edtwt and all social media but I still peruse ed forums. I find myself punishing myself for what I eat. I am more aware of what I eat than ever before. I also eat way less than I ever have. So much so that food in my fridge quickly spoils due to it not being used.

full swing relapse and it feels so good, oh god why is it the only thing that works

I have had ed since I was preteen but it started out as ednos and turned into anorexia. I haven't attempt recovery in serious manner, scared of gaining weight so much and "losing control." I also feel like I don't deserve to recovery because I am not thin as someone like Eugenia Cooney, it also feels like I am just faking it. I think my childhood has caused it, and my mom's controlling personality but I am not sure since I don't remember what happened in my life much. It does disrupt my life physically and mentally. I am weak, can't sleep well due to pain, its all I think about or do. I lost all my friends, no family, my social skills are awful due to brain not developing well. But I can't stop, my ultimate goal weight is same weight as I weight at 7 years old so it is very low. I don't want to give numbers out but many people think it is death sentence if I aim that. I don't care anymore if I die because I have nothing to lose. It took over the power.

I’m in the early stages of anorexia, and I have no idea how to stop it. I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I eat maybe 800 calories a day, on a good day. I’m not obese, but I have a belly I don’t like. I don’t vomit, but if I am forced to eat a meal, I’ll starve the amount of calories that meal is the next day. It’s not obvious, because I’m not on deaths door, but I’ve struggled to the point where I was at one point. I just do not want to be fat but I also have no self discipline to try new and healthy foods. I’m not obese, but I’m also both as thin as I want (for ref, I’m 5’9.5 (176cm) and 160 lbs (72.5 kg). Very much in the average in America.

>>18980
I feel the same thing.
I've been trying to recover from anorexia for a few months now, but I'm falling into the cycle once again.
It's a never ending nightmare.

Half of you arent even anorexic and are just on a regular diet for your body type but you like the attention

>do you have an eating disorder?
yea
>which one?
used to be ednos, then bulimia, now just ednos again
>are you attempting recovery?
not at this moment
>how long have you had it?
more than 10 years
>what caused it?
so many little things that culminated in the idea that if I was thin, I would be successful, I would be loved, I would be praised, I would be accepted, I would be acknowledged, etc
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
any time I go through a low period in my life, it's there to hold my hand

>>19347
Can you point out the posts you're talking about?

do ed coaches still exist? its so hard to stay consistently motivated and i don't want to get social media

I've had an eating disorder for around 4 years, EDNOS (eating disorder otherwise non specified) but mostly restrictive. I stumbled upon a thread of your classic thinspo when I was an impressionable teenager with a complicated homelife and it resulted in me hyperfocusing on my body image throughout my teen years.
My lowest BMI wasn't even that low, around 16 BMI that I maintained for about a year, then stuck to 17.5 BMI.
The long term health problems I've had with it are worrying me.
I wasn't the purging type, but still, this caused me bone density issues which caused my teeth to break/fall. Plus of course hair loss and brittle nails . Also my hair has changed completely since I developed the ED, it used to be thick, straight, silky. Now it's thin, wavy, all split ends and dry as hell.
What worries me the most is digestive tract problems. I still suffer from almost chronic constipation and very painful bowel movements. sometimes I bleed when I poop
How is this not going away? The other symptoms fixed themselves when I gained from 16 to 17.5 BMI, like amenorrhea and internal organ problems

>>19665
You might be suffering from vitamin depletion. Try cod liver oil. Also look up the Weston A. Price foundation and read some articles. Do your own research in this area of course but I can say personally that their advice helped me a lot.

>>19665
Take vitamin and mineral supplements. you definitely have a calcium deficiency among other things

Unrelated but most people who post thinspo online and the like wre average weight/slightly obese and hope it'll motivate them to lose weight and from what I've seen they spend ages trying to lose those couple of pounds only to gain them back up, not knowing that real eating disorder don't require "inspo" or "motivation" and they're probably worsening the sickness of actually individuals with EDs I wish they'd all vanish

>>19698
Might have to agree with the ana-chan on this one. Real anorexics don't make thinspo threads and low cal meals on twooter to help sicken other individuals, it's always the jealous wannarexics thinking they'll lose weight by proxy if they help tear down other folk's self image

>>19709
ok who said they were an ana chan now?

>>19698
protip: other people aren’t to blame for your eating disorder

>>19698
it can still be disordered eating or ednos. but yeah it pisses me off because i've seen them arguing if something is thinspo or not while they aren't even thin themselves, fuck off kid.

At what weight would you say you deserve recovery? Or what bmi more precisely, I'm asking for restrictive type eds bc I feel so ashamed to say I'm in recovery

>>20170
i think unless youre overweight you deserve recovery if its a restricitive disorder.

Are there any ways to lessen fatigue, shaking, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath or make it more manageable? If you know please give me any advice. I take supplements but I still feel like shit. The best way to describe it is like the physical symptoms of a panic attack. I used to just lay back down and wait for it to stop. It takes so long to and I won't be able to do that for much longer because I have obligations now.

>>20173
Drink cold water and put an ice pack (wrapped in a tea towel or something) on your face to calm the palpitations.

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
ive tried to attempt recovery but the feeling of having the eat an extreme amount of calories + the huge amount of weight gain was so overwhelming. i feel so bad about it as i told myself ill recover once i was hospitalised
>how long have you had it?
since i was 16
>what caused it?
i used to eat a lot when i was 12-15 because i desperately wanted to be taller but it lead me growing the other way and i hated my body because of it
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i can't help but walk ~15k steps per day, i always compare the amount im eating to other people, i love tea more than ever now. i think the worst part is being hospitalised in my last year of high school and almost being unable to graduate. my lowest bmi was 13, however, i've always wanted to get to the single digits…

>>4629

>do you have an eating disorder
no

>which one
im anorexic (like, "real" "actual" uw anorexic) but i started above bmi 35. i developed it after i lost 20 lbs on accident after converting to ethical veganism (which i later betrayed because vegan safe foods are super limiting, and i feel terrible for giving up my morals to be able to eat fat free yogurt)

>are you attempting recovery
i absolutely refuse to access recovery treatment because it is biased towards people with a healthy or low-overweight starting weight who can maintain a healthy weight without ED behaviors and i dont think i have it that bad in the ED behaviors department anyway. i wholeheartedly believe i am built with genetics where normal people food freedom cannot exist for me without making peace with an obese body and dying in middle age. both sides of my family are universally obese, even the healthy eaters. absolutely insatiable even on a diet of black beans and rice

>how long have you had it?
vegan started 5 years ago at 17. i track any other milestones really. uw happened by accident during a stint of not weighing or tracking. i didnt starve the whole time and i think it was subclinical for most of the time tho

>what caused it?
my nana has always been overweight like most of my family, has disordered eating and made the veganism = diet connection in her head so she thought it was ok to comment i had lost weight and looked great. i had no idea until she said that

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
medical anxiety, honestly. being aware my issues with food are a clinically recognized disorder takes up more of my brain space than the eating disorder itself. i spend a lot of time fighting compulsions to look up medical literature about ana and obesity and shit instead of doing my fucking homework

somehow i dont have body dysmorphia, dont believe i look fat currently, and i dont care to go below like bmi 17. i dont compulsively exercise either. im considering gaining back up into healthy range because i miss how my fat distributed then. maybe take some chinese peptides to help me maintain it and loosen the food rules a little.

am i weird for treating an eating disorder so casually? the ED voice is really nice to me and not competitive with women with lower BMIs. it's just a bit tougher to get the calories in unless other people cook for me or take me out to eat. i doubt my ED will ever seriously cause me medical problems because i refuse to be death skinny. i feel like an anomaly. probably wouldnt have even developed food issues if i got put on a weight loss shot instead of choosing to diet

>>20530
>i track any other milestones really.
*DIDNT track any other milestones

>>20530
weak willed consumer cultre victim…

forget everything you know about eating and apply the youthful curiosity to it. reading your textwall made me think that this is something you never did.

you could find out what food will end up make you looking what way but honestly it is a moot point. that's just wasting your short little life.

humans are dumb and so are you. they eat stuff they should not be eating and just because they don't drop dead from it instantly, does not mean it is 'safe to eat'.

most products in the supermarket will make you fat and sick. find out what your human organism has evolved to best digest and eat that and stop eating the stupid industry food and you will reach your goal of being thin. it's normal to want to be thin. if you only ate what your body could handle, you could eat unlimited amount and never get fat.

is very unfortunate that you gave up the veganism and it is also very unfortunate that you only sit on chairs and couches instead of moving about all day every day. hard work is nice. when you are a slave and work in a diamond mine for some greed capitalist asshole, that sucks. but working hard on yourself, that's such a wonderful feeling, i hope you experience it soon.

best of luck you enormous elephant aka honey booboo's mother.

>>20544
I’m literally underweight now work on your reading comprehension

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
anorexia but i binge and purge often
>are you attempting recovery?
no
>how long have you had it?
in some form or another since my early teens
>what caused it?
in the beginning it was just a stupid diet to try to fix my acne. later the main driver is wanting people to expect less of me because they can see i'm ill.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it goes in cycles. i almost recover every winter, but as soon as the weather starts heating up I relapse (this aligns with my uni schedule). when i'm restricting I get really bad brain fog like spacing out in the middle of a sentence like im Biden or someone. and it restricts my social life a bit because i'm super weird around food and 90% of social gatherings are about eating.