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eating disorder thread Anonymous 4629

eating disorder thread - its time for another

do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
are you attempting recovery?
how long have you had it?
what caused it?
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?


i have a purging disorder.
i kind of want to attempt recovery sometimes, then i see something like my crush looking happier talking to another girl thats skinnier than me, i think about how much better i could look/how i could compensate for my stupid ugly fact, and i think about the comments my dad gives me when i 'eat bad' even though im 19 bmi/skinnier than him (hes overweight, i think.) ive had mine since i was 13. i was a fat child growing up because my parents didnt know how to feed me, and instead of giving me healthy food they just called me fat/made fun of me. it disrupts my daily life heavily because i cant eat anything without purging after, and it just ruins my mood and has disrupted my health. ill be devastated if i go up 0.1 a pound

Anonymous 4630

>>4629
I used to be 17.5 bmi, that was like half a year ago and it started because I was narcissistic plus I had the feeling that food was disgusting, I got better and now I am pretty much where you are at 19 and going to be 20 if I don't do anything to stop it, I just started to not care about food and I understood "people just don't give a shit about how you look anyway" and that's when i got back on track with my weight, but I still want to be skinny and have a nice figure so I think it's time for some meme fitness period in my life

Anonymous 4637

>do you have an eating disorder? ya
>which one?
anorexia and binge eating cycles, i'd be bulimic but my body just can't vomit
>are you attempting recovery?
no
>how long have you had it? distorted body image, beginning of puberty, disordered eating, since i was 18, restrictive full-blown anorexia, February of this year
>what caused it?
i gave up trying to be curvy. being rail thin is easier than having big tits, big butt, small waist, etc. plus I have linebacker shoulders, so even if everything else was perfect, i'd still have those. so being ultra-skinny it was.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i always am aware when i'm eating and i'm good at calorie guessing, relatively. i drink more water than i did before. i exercise a bit, whereas i used to not exercise at all.

I know it's not correct of me to say this, but I feel somewhat happier than I was before because of my disorder. Or, at least I've fooled myself into that. Before, I knew I'd never truly be able to attain my goal. I used to always wear VS Bombshell bras and focus on getting attention for my butt. Now, for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with my small breasts, I'm more okay with my body in a way that I wasn't before. I love how thin my legs looked when I was at my lowest (which wasn't that low, 15.4). I binged for about a month and I'm up to a bmi of 17 again, and I feel disgusting. I need to get into the 80 lbs range. I feel repulsive. I also like how my face looked better at a low bmi because I gain weight there, so it's like I finally don't look like a qtip.

Idk. I feel more content now. I used to be so anxious about how ugly and un-curvy I was compared to other girls. Now, I don't care if other people think my body looks good or not. It only matters what I want for my body. I only compare myself to girls irl than I can tell are struggling with anorexia now, instead of every slim thicc girl I see in the streets. It's nice.

My disorder has made me more petty and shallow, but I don't care. I was always that way, this disorder just gave that part of me a way to express itself more in my everyday life.

My only other observation is that I don't really think of my disorder as a disorder in my everyday life. I don't understand places like MPA where all the users seem to enjoy circle jerking how sick they are. I know I have this disorder, but I don't see it as a disorder, it doesn't feel that way to me. It just feels like a way my life's turned. It reminds me of my OCD, I just see it as part of me and it can be disruptive and annoying, but I can't imagine identifying myself as having it. Sorry for my jibberish.

Anonymous 4638

>>4637
>15.4
anon that is absolutely very very very low

Anonymous 4640

>>4638
I'd feel guilty if I said it was low because I feel like an actual low BMI is 11-13. Before I became super anorexic and just had bad body image, my BMI was in the 17s

Anonymous 4644

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
binge eating
>are you attempting recovery?
i wish, but atm i'm not doing anything against it
>how long have you had it?
it got really bad around 4 years ago, but i've had it for over 7 years already
>what caused it?
i was ana as a young teen, gained weight, started hating my body even more, tried to make up for the lost time by eating everything i abstained from before, had the mentality of "i'll eat lots today and then start dieting tomorrow".
after graduating hs i lost friends, didn't get new ones and now i eat constantly out of loneliness.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
my life solely turns around food, it's my only source of happiness. even in rare moments i'm doing something i still always think about what i'm going to eat next. i only want to lay in my bed with my laptop and eat non-stop.

before my ed started i probably had the perfect body, 62-63kg at 178cm - yet because of my tall height and shyness i always wished to be somehow smaller. i also was a perfectionist, wanted to control every aspect of my life and especially the way i look. i was kind of a failure at being ana, no matter how little i ate, the lowest i ever got to was 55-56kg. i ate the same exact thing (400cal) for months, but my body didn't change that much.
i guess i should be thankful for having a somewhat good metabolism, because eating on average 3500-4000cal a day like i did the past years would have killed others. right now i'm chubby, some might say curvy, but of course i absolutely hate it. i just wish i lost enough weight to feel comfortable in tshirt and shorts again next summer. but the stress and sadness college causes me, makes me unable to cut back on food.

Anonymous 4652

x.jpg

>do you have an eating disorder
yup
>which one
anorexia, restricting subtype. purging looks really satisfying, but it just doesn't work out
>how long have you had it
about 9 years
>what caused it
toxic family, my upbringing, sexual trauma, feeling out of control of my body, and abusive relationships
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it isn't so bad these days. i've become used to it now. feeling full terrifies me; it just will never feel right to me. the biggest concern is just my lack of energy and feeling anhedonic. i'm okay otherwise

i've been in treatment for most of my teenage years. i find treatment centers in my area very ineffective. they expect you to gain so much weight in such a little period of time. i found it extremely traumatizing to see my body change in such a brief period. i felt fatter than ever. their whole "muh behavioral change" treatment philosophy legitimately scares me. most eating disorders, from what i've seen, are trauma-based. i just wish centers had more of that trauma treatment. or more exploring of the causes to it. thankfully, i'm back with being underweight. i definitely am not as thin as i used to be, but i need to sacrifice my need for energy over continuing down that spiral. i know it's maladaptive and wrong to continue with my eating disorder, but it's a very tempting path because i'm inherently self-destructive

Anonymous 4664

>do you have an eating disorder?
yes
>which one?
bulimia mainly, but i have restrictive/ EDNOS tendencies as well
>are you attempting recovery?
i've relapsed hard in the last 2 years and feel like i attempt recovery every week and then fail immediately
>how long have you had it?
almost a decade now, i think i started when i was 14. i've had terrible and constantly changing BDD for around the same length of time if not longer
>what caused it?
the dysmorphia probably, i was never a fat kid but i was never stick thin either and having a naturally athletic build was a huge insecurity. the sad thing is that my mom went through the exact same ED and raised me super healthy but somehow i ended up even worse? i've always wondered if i had a genetic predisposition to it or something because i'd ended up being bulimic without ever knowing what it was first, or knowing that my mom had it as a teen.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i could easily say it's ruined my entire life and i wouldn't even be exaggerating. combined with my mental illness and generally terrible habits i consistently fuck myself over and let myself down. i'm in my fucking twenties and i feel like an insecure child who can't grow the fuck up and live my life like a normal person

Anonymous 4689

do you have an eating disorder?
yes.

which one?
diagnosed EDNOS. Used to purge occasionally. I cycle between restrictive and binge phases; currently losing weight rapidly by restricting and I think it’s actually permanent for once in my life.

are you attempting recovery?
hell no, although it’s obviously the healthiest choice.

how long have you had it?
I think i’ve had disordered eating habits since I was little, never was taught anything about proper nutrition or portion servings from my family. Regularly and constantly binged on junk food for most of my life up until high school.

what caused it?
depression, social anxiety, feeling like a completely unattractive landwhale that no one ever would want to talk to.

how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
co-morbidity/my other issues make it difficult for me to say what problems are caused specifically by my eating disorder. But restricting can make me really tired and nauseous, and exercising is a serious challenge. Even though I’ve lost over 30 lbs since I was at my highest weight as a teenager, I still feel just as big and ugly and worthless.

Anonymous 4693

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
not diagnosed, but anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
I sort of recovered when we moved and our new house doesn't have a scale. For me it was always about numbers so not having a scale put a stop to starving and binging. The thoughts remain but I don't act on them
>how long have you had it?
about 4 years, sometimes better sometimes worse
>what caused it?
I was never fat or even chubby. I just compared myself to others and one summer I was swimming with my beautiful athletic cousins and that pushed me to start innocently dieting which developed to anorexia
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't really disrupt my life other than occasional self hate

I know that when I move out I'm gonna get a scale and spiral out of control again which scares me. Now I have time for recovery but I don't want it. I want to be stick skinny because my brain is sick and I consume too much east asian media.
stay strong anonettes

Anonymous 6720

>be 22 join the army
>get stressed and develop eating disorder: bulimia
>get fat, get kicked out of the army. feels bad man.
>file for depression disability. get 1640 a month to live on.
>use 600$ a month for food 200$ for pot, then rest for bills

Anonymous 6721

2 yrs recovered anorexia/bulimia after 10ish years. all time low weight was 98lb at 5"7.5

decided to stop one night for no apparent reason remember thinking "i don't want to do this anymore" (lol) and haven't purged since (unless sick with flu or something unrelated)

i still exhibit orthorexia/fasting behaviour and won't allow myself to be "fat" - but i think i'm in a better space now, eat food, experience joy etc.

i didn't seek out help during the duration of my illness, even at the peak of my "most sick" - my family did call me out on it though.

i think my experience is not a common story when it comes to ED's

can honestly say i wouldn't wish it on anyone

Anonymous 6920

>>4629
do you have an eating disorder?
yes
which one?
anorexia + binge eating
are you attempting recovery?
not really
how long have you had it?
6 years
what caused it?
my entire family had anorexia. my mother starves herself for as long as I could remember and so does my dad and sister. it became a huge family competition that no one really ever speaks of but we all feel it since we constantly ask eachother if the other person has ate to feel better about ourselves. its toxic as hell but oh well.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
all i ever think about is food and i spend hours and hours watching mukbangs and channels like amberlynn reid to motivate myself to not eat since i constantly crave bad foods. other than that, being constantly tired.

Anonymous 6929

>>6721
Very similar story here though while I didn't seek out help I ended up almost pushed into it by my school administration, rebelled and ended up recovering alone on my own. I still exercise a lot and limit what kinds and amounts of food I eat which is apparently a recovery no-no but I've been better for so long now, I'd say I'm really healthy now and truly enjoy food and my life and can deal with having a fuller womanly looking body and still often find it beautiful.

Looking back on my sick self is like looking back on another world. I don't know how I thought I was "happy" being so miserable, ill and weak and chained down. It's such a shitty, shallow way to live and waste of time.

Anonymous 6947

>do you have an eating disorder?
Yes.
>which one?
Mild restricting. Also terrible BDD and an unstable body image.
>are you attempting recovery?
Yep. I'm going to an ED clinic next week.
>how long have you had it?
Over 10 years.
>what caused it?
I gained weight in grade 7 and hated how I was bigger than all the other girls. I lost weight by exercising and eating healthy in grade 8, then gained the weight back in grade 9. I started to over-exercise in grade 10 and managed to lose some weight but I was still around 155 at 5'6". The restricting started in grade 12 and the positive attention it got me kept me motivated. There was intense guilt around food, under eating and counting calories. In university it got worse because of stress. Then it persisted through my twenties.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I don't enjoy food that much. I see it as a means to an end to keep me alive, something to be measured and controlled. I feel guilty for eating when hungry. I feel like I don't deserve to eat. Eating and food is such a preoccupation that I worry about it almost all the time. I'm terrified of gaining weight and I want to continue to lose weight. Since I start treatment soon, I've been trying to lose more weight so that if I gain during treatment I won't be as big.

Anonymous 6948

>>6720
I'm sorry that happened to you, anon. I know how easy it is to get out of control. Depression is also a bitch, I've had it since childhood for 18 years.

Anonymous 6984

>do you have an eating disorder?
yep
>which one?
diagnosed binge eating disorder, I'm actually thin though, and go through phases of restriction
>are you attempting recovery?
yes!
>how long have you had it?
4 years, I think?
>what caused it?
I've always been thin, but I was a ballerina for several years, and started restricting so I could be even thinner so I could have the perfect ballet body. this triggered some hardcore binging after a while and the rest is history
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't disrupt it too much anymore! but before it kinda took over my whole life and pretty much my every thought was about food and my body.



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