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eating disorder thread Anonymous 4629

eating disorder thread - its time for another

do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
are you attempting recovery?
how long have you had it?
what caused it?
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

i have a purging disorder.
i kind of want to attempt recovery sometimes, then i see something like my crush looking happier talking to another girl thats skinnier than me, i think about how much better i could look/how i could compensate for my stupid ugly fact, and i think about the comments my dad gives me when i 'eat bad' even though im 19 bmi/skinnier than him (hes overweight, i think.) ive had mine since i was 13. i was a fat child growing up because my parents didnt know how to feed me, and instead of giving me healthy food they just called me fat/made fun of me. it disrupts my daily life heavily because i cant eat anything without purging after, and it just ruins my mood and has disrupted my health. ill be devastated if i go up 0.1 a pound

Anonymous 4630

I used to be 17.5 bmi, that was like half a year ago and it started because I was narcissistic plus I had the feeling that food was disgusting, I got better and now I am pretty much where you are at 19 and going to be 20 if I don't do anything to stop it, I just started to not care about food and I understood "people just don't give a shit about how you look anyway" and that's when i got back on track with my weight, but I still want to be skinny and have a nice figure so I think it's time for some meme fitness period in my life

Anonymous 4637

>do you have an eating disorder? ya
>which one?
anorexia and binge eating cycles, i'd be bulimic but my body just can't vomit
>are you attempting recovery?
>how long have you had it? distorted body image, beginning of puberty, disordered eating, since i was 18, restrictive full-blown anorexia, February of this year
>what caused it?
i gave up trying to be curvy. being rail thin is easier than having big tits, big butt, small waist, etc. plus I have linebacker shoulders, so even if everything else was perfect, i'd still have those. so being ultra-skinny it was.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i always am aware when i'm eating and i'm good at calorie guessing, relatively. i drink more water than i did before. i exercise a bit, whereas i used to not exercise at all.

I know it's not correct of me to say this, but I feel somewhat happier than I was before because of my disorder. Or, at least I've fooled myself into that. Before, I knew I'd never truly be able to attain my goal. I used to always wear VS Bombshell bras and focus on getting attention for my butt. Now, for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with my small breasts, I'm more okay with my body in a way that I wasn't before. I love how thin my legs looked when I was at my lowest (which wasn't that low, 15.4). I binged for about a month and I'm up to a bmi of 17 again, and I feel disgusting. I need to get into the 80 lbs range. I feel repulsive. I also like how my face looked better at a low bmi because I gain weight there, so it's like I finally don't look like a qtip.

Idk. I feel more content now. I used to be so anxious about how ugly and un-curvy I was compared to other girls. Now, I don't care if other people think my body looks good or not. It only matters what I want for my body. I only compare myself to girls irl than I can tell are struggling with anorexia now, instead of every slim thicc girl I see in the streets. It's nice.

My disorder has made me more petty and shallow, but I don't care. I was always that way, this disorder just gave that part of me a way to express itself more in my everyday life.

My only other observation is that I don't really think of my disorder as a disorder in my everyday life. I don't understand places like MPA where all the users seem to enjoy circle jerking how sick they are. I know I have this disorder, but I don't see it as a disorder, it doesn't feel that way to me. It just feels like a way my life's turned. It reminds me of my OCD, I just see it as part of me and it can be disruptive and annoying, but I can't imagine identifying myself as having it. Sorry for my jibberish.

Anonymous 4638

anon that is absolutely very very very low

Anonymous 4640

I'd feel guilty if I said it was low because I feel like an actual low BMI is 11-13. Before I became super anorexic and just had bad body image, my BMI was in the 17s

Anonymous 4644

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
binge eating
>are you attempting recovery?
i wish, but atm i'm not doing anything against it
>how long have you had it?
it got really bad around 4 years ago, but i've had it for over 7 years already
>what caused it?
i was ana as a young teen, gained weight, started hating my body even more, tried to make up for the lost time by eating everything i abstained from before, had the mentality of "i'll eat lots today and then start dieting tomorrow".
after graduating hs i lost friends, didn't get new ones and now i eat constantly out of loneliness.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
my life solely turns around food, it's my only source of happiness. even in rare moments i'm doing something i still always think about what i'm going to eat next. i only want to lay in my bed with my laptop and eat non-stop.

before my ed started i probably had the perfect body, 62-63kg at 178cm - yet because of my tall height and shyness i always wished to be somehow smaller. i also was a perfectionist, wanted to control every aspect of my life and especially the way i look. i was kind of a failure at being ana, no matter how little i ate, the lowest i ever got to was 55-56kg. i ate the same exact thing (400cal) for months, but my body didn't change that much.
i guess i should be thankful for having a somewhat good metabolism, because eating on average 3500-4000cal a day like i did the past years would have killed others. right now i'm chubby, some might say curvy, but of course i absolutely hate it. i just wish i lost enough weight to feel comfortable in tshirt and shorts again next summer. but the stress and sadness college causes me, makes me unable to cut back on food.

Anonymous 4652


>do you have an eating disorder
>which one
anorexia, restricting subtype. purging looks really satisfying, but it just doesn't work out
>how long have you had it
about 9 years
>what caused it
toxic family, my upbringing, sexual trauma, feeling out of control of my body, and abusive relationships
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it isn't so bad these days. i've become used to it now. feeling full terrifies me; it just will never feel right to me. the biggest concern is just my lack of energy and feeling anhedonic. i'm okay otherwise

i've been in treatment for most of my teenage years. i find treatment centers in my area very ineffective. they expect you to gain so much weight in such a little period of time. i found it extremely traumatizing to see my body change in such a brief period. i felt fatter than ever. their whole "muh behavioral change" treatment philosophy legitimately scares me. most eating disorders, from what i've seen, are trauma-based. i just wish centers had more of that trauma treatment. or more exploring of the causes to it. thankfully, i'm back with being underweight. i definitely am not as thin as i used to be, but i need to sacrifice my need for energy over continuing down that spiral. i know it's maladaptive and wrong to continue with my eating disorder, but it's a very tempting path because i'm inherently self-destructive

Anonymous 4664

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
bulimia mainly, but i have restrictive/ EDNOS tendencies as well
>are you attempting recovery?
i've relapsed hard in the last 2 years and feel like i attempt recovery every week and then fail immediately
>how long have you had it?
almost a decade now, i think i started when i was 14. i've had terrible and constantly changing BDD for around the same length of time if not longer
>what caused it?
the dysmorphia probably, i was never a fat kid but i was never stick thin either and having a naturally athletic build was a huge insecurity. the sad thing is that my mom went through the exact same ED and raised me super healthy but somehow i ended up even worse? i've always wondered if i had a genetic predisposition to it or something because i'd ended up being bulimic without ever knowing what it was first, or knowing that my mom had it as a teen.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i could easily say it's ruined my entire life and i wouldn't even be exaggerating. combined with my mental illness and generally terrible habits i consistently fuck myself over and let myself down. i'm in my fucking twenties and i feel like an insecure child who can't grow the fuck up and live my life like a normal person

Anonymous 4689

do you have an eating disorder?

which one?
diagnosed EDNOS. Used to purge occasionally. I cycle between restrictive and binge phases; currently losing weight rapidly by restricting and I think it’s actually permanent for once in my life.

are you attempting recovery?
hell no, although it’s obviously the healthiest choice.

how long have you had it?
I think i’ve had disordered eating habits since I was little, never was taught anything about proper nutrition or portion servings from my family. Regularly and constantly binged on junk food for most of my life up until high school.

what caused it?
depression, social anxiety, feeling like a completely unattractive landwhale that no one ever would want to talk to.

how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
co-morbidity/my other issues make it difficult for me to say what problems are caused specifically by my eating disorder. But restricting can make me really tired and nauseous, and exercising is a serious challenge. Even though I’ve lost over 30 lbs since I was at my highest weight as a teenager, I still feel just as big and ugly and worthless.

Anonymous 4693

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
not diagnosed, but anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
I sort of recovered when we moved and our new house doesn't have a scale. For me it was always about numbers so not having a scale put a stop to starving and binging. The thoughts remain but I don't act on them
>how long have you had it?
about 4 years, sometimes better sometimes worse
>what caused it?
I was never fat or even chubby. I just compared myself to others and one summer I was swimming with my beautiful athletic cousins and that pushed me to start innocently dieting which developed to anorexia
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't really disrupt my life other than occasional self hate

I know that when I move out I'm gonna get a scale and spiral out of control again which scares me. Now I have time for recovery but I don't want it. I want to be stick skinny because my brain is sick and I consume too much east asian media.
stay strong anonettes

Anonymous 6720

>be 22 join the army
>get stressed and develop eating disorder: bulimia
>get fat, get kicked out of the army. feels bad man.
>file for depression disability. get 1640 a month to live on.
>use 600$ a month for food 200$ for pot, then rest for bills

Anonymous 6721

2 yrs recovered anorexia/bulimia after 10ish years. all time low weight was 98lb at 5"7.5

decided to stop one night for no apparent reason remember thinking "i don't want to do this anymore" (lol) and haven't purged since (unless sick with flu or something unrelated)

i still exhibit orthorexia/fasting behaviour and won't allow myself to be "fat" - but i think i'm in a better space now, eat food, experience joy etc.

i didn't seek out help during the duration of my illness, even at the peak of my "most sick" - my family did call me out on it though.

i think my experience is not a common story when it comes to ED's

can honestly say i wouldn't wish it on anyone

Anonymous 6920

do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
anorexia + binge eating
are you attempting recovery?
not really
how long have you had it?
6 years
what caused it?
my entire family had anorexia. my mother starves herself for as long as I could remember and so does my dad and sister. it became a huge family competition that no one really ever speaks of but we all feel it since we constantly ask eachother if the other person has ate to feel better about ourselves. its toxic as hell but oh well.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
all i ever think about is food and i spend hours and hours watching mukbangs and channels like amberlynn reid to motivate myself to not eat since i constantly crave bad foods. other than that, being constantly tired.

Anonymous 6929

Very similar story here though while I didn't seek out help I ended up almost pushed into it by my school administration, rebelled and ended up recovering alone on my own. I still exercise a lot and limit what kinds and amounts of food I eat which is apparently a recovery no-no but I've been better for so long now, I'd say I'm really healthy now and truly enjoy food and my life and can deal with having a fuller womanly looking body and still often find it beautiful.

Looking back on my sick self is like looking back on another world. I don't know how I thought I was "happy" being so miserable, ill and weak and chained down. It's such a shitty, shallow way to live and waste of time.

Anonymous 6947

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
Mild restricting. Also terrible BDD and an unstable body image.
>are you attempting recovery?
Yep. I'm going to an ED clinic next week.
>how long have you had it?
Over 10 years.
>what caused it?
I gained weight in grade 7 and hated how I was bigger than all the other girls. I lost weight by exercising and eating healthy in grade 8, then gained the weight back in grade 9. I started to over-exercise in grade 10 and managed to lose some weight but I was still around 155 at 5'6". The restricting started in grade 12 and the positive attention it got me kept me motivated. There was intense guilt around food, under eating and counting calories. In university it got worse because of stress. Then it persisted through my twenties.
how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
I don't enjoy food that much. I see it as a means to an end to keep me alive, something to be measured and controlled. I feel guilty for eating when hungry. I feel like I don't deserve to eat. Eating and food is such a preoccupation that I worry about it almost all the time. I'm terrified of gaining weight and I want to continue to lose weight. Since I start treatment soon, I've been trying to lose more weight so that if I gain during treatment I won't be as big.

Anonymous 6948

I'm sorry that happened to you, anon. I know how easy it is to get out of control. Depression is also a bitch, I've had it since childhood for 18 years.

Anonymous 6984

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
diagnosed binge eating disorder, I'm actually thin though, and go through phases of restriction
>are you attempting recovery?
>how long have you had it?
4 years, I think?
>what caused it?
I've always been thin, but I was a ballerina for several years, and started restricting so I could be even thinner so I could have the perfect ballet body. this triggered some hardcore binging after a while and the rest is history
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it doesn't disrupt it too much anymore! but before it kinda took over my whole life and pretty much my every thought was about food and my body.

Anonymous 7901

do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
> bulimia

are you attempting recovery?
> I have but I'm currently in a relapse

how long have you had it?
> since I was 14, and I'm 21 now, so 7 years

what caused it?
> I've always been a fat child so I got bullied/pressured for it when I was younger. Home was also abusive so an eating disorder felt like a way to keep "control."

how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
yeah it's a bit of a hassle, I always feel like I'm about to faint which is hard because I am a grad student

Anonymous 7902

Bad feels

Anonymous 8059


I don't know if this counts as an eating disorder, but a few months ago I was really depressed because of my weight (69kg at the time, and I'm pretty short so it looks baad)
I fasted for 10 days straight and lost 10kg, I was really happy with the results but I gained back those 10kg just as fast and now I'm depressed again and I'm thinking about not eating anything for the whole quarantine (or 30 days at least) and see how many kgs I can lose.
of course this time I'll eat healthier after I fast so I don't gain back all the lost weight

Anonymous 8060

Girl it's not just about eating healthier, you have to permanently change your diet. This means permanently eating less calories to stay at your desired weight. If you don't do this you're gonna gain it all back again. If you don't wanna eat less you have to spend more calories (exercise). Don't put yourself through a month of suffering just to gain it back in a couple months.
I don't know how fat you are rn, but be careful about losing weight too fast. If you're too big and it leaves too quickly you could end with loose skin.

Anonymous 8061

>If you're too big and it leaves too quickly you could end with loose skin
I weigh 65kg and I'm 154cm tall. I'm not like morbidly obese but it feels that way sometimes

Anonymous 8233

anons in recovery, what have been quick meals that have helped you gain weight? ideally 1-2 pounds a week. i've been eating peanut butter sandwiches but having that 3 times a day would be torture
i had my weight under control but the side effects from my meds got me fucked up

Anonymous 8337

I apologize if this isn't the correct thread for this post. It's more of a /feels/-esque post, but I want to keep discussion relating to eating disorders in their own thread for the sake of other users.

Long ago, I deleted my MyProAna account (I have no intentions to rejoin) and didn't realize my posts and threads were still viewable through Google search results, even without a profile. I'd made a thread there to post some of my art in (a lot of users who are artists do) and my art is the main focus of all of my social media and online presence, save for anonymous imageboards, of course. My husband and I follow each other on every social media platform or website and he appreciates my art just as much as anyone else, though he has no idea about any of my past struggles with ED or that I ever had an account on any ED-based website. Unfortunately, I recently found out that some of the art I'd posted in my art thread can be found through reverse image searching it on Google, subsequently revealing what my MPA username was.

I attempted to log into my account (which was already deleted) but wasn't able to, presumably because when an account is deleted the username changes to "Guest_(username)_" rather than just "(username)". Just over a month ago I sent an email to the website or their staff (I'm unsure which, they make it difficult to contact them) explaining my situation and asking if the art I'd posted in my thread can be removed, or if the thread can be deleted altogether. I have yet to receive a real response from them and while I may be overly paranoid, I'm terrified of someone, especially my husband, discovering my MPA activity. I'm not proud of everything I posted there, and I'm now at a healthy weight with healthy eating habits and would like to move on from that part of my life. I did receive an automated response from [email protected] saying that they "have received (my) support request and will reply as soon as possible." The rest of their response includes a link saying "click here to respond to this message" though all it does is bring me to a version of my report that's on the actual website. That version of the report says my report's status is still "open". I was also given a three-letter password for the support request, but I don't know how I'm supposed to use it.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with that website? Would you know what to do or how I can get in better contact with them?

Anonymous 8338

I used to work at an IT place that used a similar system, or maybe even the same one (Zendesk). Your request opened a support ticket - identified by the number you have - and their staff will have a target number of days in which to respond. They also usually have a target number of days to solve the problem and close the ticket.

If you don't get responses within a fortnight, just keep bumping it, maybe once a week: email a follow-up "hey, haven't heard, looking forward to resolving this with you" etc. etc., as a reply to that email. It should all link to your open ticket if you do it that way, but if you're worried, you can always include "RE: ticket ###" to keep it crystal clear in your records and theirs.

Good luck anon, glad to hear you're in a brighter place, and hopefully they sort it out for you promptly.

Anonymous 8339

MPA was "shut down" then reopened, and it's a mess regarding who controls that site. Try following what >>8338 said, but know it may be quite difficult given their shaky leadership.

Anonymous 8341


Thank you both for your advice and kind words!

Anonymous 8379


i want to talk

>do you have an eating disorder?

>which one?
not diagnosed
>are you attempting recovery?
fuck no
>how long have you had it?
over a year now, but i've always been odd towards food and self confidence
>what caused it?
i just looked at my weight and kinda snapped. never liked my body and i felt as if i'd been eating way too much recently, started restricting, kinda found my way into online communities. not sure when i started getting fat because i never had many pictures taken but i know i was overweight at 11.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i can't eat without thinking about the calories, i can't stop thinking about food, i started cutting and i can't get clean from that, my body image is worse than ever, i can't eat food that i used to enjoy, my restriction means i spike in eating even more than i ever did from time to time (today i ate half a pack of biscuits), generally i just want to die

Anonymous 8399

Has quarantine made anyone's ED worse? Everything is triggering, including specific convo with friends, but I can’t say anything because I don’t want them to feel bad. Can’t go to pro-ana sites because it'll just make me feel shittier.

Anonymous 8411


>do you have an eating disorder?


>which one?

binging without any purging though I have thought strongly about it when at my lowest.

>are you attempting recovery?

there are periods of trying to be better, but I have relapsed hard this year.

>how long have you had it?

thinking back, maybe it started when I started college and could buy my own food - leading to hording snacks for myself to eat when stressed. so about 10 years?

>what caused it?

being lonely and sad in college without any decent coping mechanisms. self-hatred.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

I sometimes run out of hiding places for my food. I feel intense shame that I hide food from my significant other. I go through periods of time when I binge a lot during the day, so I try to make up for it during mealtimes by having smaller portions with more veggies.

ecently my shits have been really weird and reminiscent of IBS or colitis. I don't think I would stop if it weren't for the gross shits.

Anonymous 8719

>do you have an eating disorder
>which one
>are you attemptting recovery
yes, ive stopped purging a few months ago but the urge is very hard to fight
>how long have you had it
8 years
>what caused it
i was overweight in middle school (5'3, 180 lbs), my family bullied the hell out of me and caused me to really hate my body, my weight has fluctuated a lot in my teen years. currently 130 lbs
>how does it disrupt your daily life
i cant relax at home because i would only think about how i could sneak into the bathroom and purge. the urge has lessened lately but worsened because of quarantine. all i do is fucking eat and vomit.

Anonymous 9751

How do I get an eating disorder? I really want a flat stomach and low bf%, but I LOVE food. I'm 5'9'' 170lbs (I also lift weights a lot so that's making me heavier) and I have so much willpower and don't bring home processed foods, but I always forget my lunch and end up eating vending machine shit. I've fasted for 3 days at a time, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I think maybe I should go for bulimia, but i don't wanna fuck up my teeth.

Anonymous 9756

After reading more into EDs, I’d like to apologize for this comment

Anonymous 9765


>do you have an eating disorder?
i guess
>which one?
although i was sent to a dietician as a teen in order to gain weight ,i dont remember being ever diagnosed. i have purged before,restricted to an uh bmi tho not less than 17.5 aand i binge frequently /eat my emotions
>are you attempting recovery?
no cause i hate being a normal weight right now as awful as it sounds
>how long have you had it?
>what caused it?
i just want to be liked like other bmi 16-17 girls
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
being either out of commission cause you are restricting or binging and always ashamed of your body

Anonymous 9778


>do you have an eating disorder?

I had one 12 years ago when I was 13 years old

>which one?

Anorexia nervosa, restricted eating and somewhat obsessive exercising. Mostly just restricted eating though.

>are you attempting recovery?

I was really lucky to recover early on, only 6 months after it started, but it was an extremely obsessive 6 months of thinking about nothing else. I remember coming out of it and realizing it had only been 6 months for what felt like had been 6 years. I don't know how or why I recovered, I went to a week-long sleepaway summer camp that year that I'd been going to every summer and being there helped. I'm not sure why.

>how long have you had it?

I had it for 6 months.

>what caused it?

I'm not sure, I was a kid. I do remember that being the first time I fell in love, and I wanted the boy to think I was attractive. But I'm sure it was much more than that. I'm even starting to wonder if I have OCD tendencies, since I'm starting to notice it a little bit in my adult life now.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

It was all I ever thought about at the time. Even now, my husband says I have body dysmorphia. I'm not even 5"1 and I weigh about 125lbs. I don't necessarily look that overweight but I feel overweight. I don't change in front of him or let him look at me naked (at least not without sucking in) and I don't let him touch my stomach. He says he likes it though, and my issues with this are getting in the way of his happiness, because he wants to show me love and I won't let him. I'm not sure if he's right or if he's just trying to make me feel better. Sometimes I wish I could start restricting my eating again the way I did back then, but I know it's a terrible downward spiral to fall into and I take it back as soon as I wish it every time. I wish I could do something though. I guess for now I'll just keep gymming and trying to eat better even though it never really changes the way I look.

Anonymous 9844

ITT: people that tried to "go ana" in their early teens

Anonymous 9853

>do you have an eating disorder?


>which one?

i dont even know, i just know that im scared of enjoying food even though i enjoy it too much

are you attempting recovery?
yeah but its hard. the main thing keeping me from having delicious weekly binges is that im fucking broke(and im scared of getting fat)

>how long have you had it?

idek a year or so

>what caused it?

i just love food too much lel and i always feel like shit about my body so im like, my bodys already shitty so eating 5 bags of cheetos wont hurt… it just feels so comforting to stuff yourself with food, it feels almost as good as having someone beside you. then after my binge i get scared that ill gain a pound or two and i starve myself for the next few days.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

I tend to obsess over calories/macros, I'll neglect to do things i actually need to do like study because i spend way too much time counting calories and planning my meals. i also have trouble enjoying food when im with friends or family.

i dont know if i belong in this thread since i know i dont have it as bad as a lot of people, but it just feels nice to have a place to talk about this..

Anonymous 9866

>do you have an eating disorder?
Maybe, I don't think of myself as sick though.
>which one?
EDNOS/OSFED I suppose.
>are you attempting recovery?
>how long have you had it?
Over a year now.
>what caused it?
Horrible eating habits in my family and my mother's ED (excessive exercise + binge eating), also her shaming me for being fat. Glad I don't live with her anymore, but the inner shaming persists.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Sometimes it takes for me over 2 hours to buy groceries because I look at every single item of the food type I want and compare the nutritional values and/or bargain with myself whether to buy this high-calorie food and starve the next day or buy shit like tea, zero-cal drinks, rice cakes, etc. (I'm a broke student and I can't afford both, so this is harder)
Currently I'm trying to make myself not enjoy food that much and suprisingly, my ED is helping me pick up new hobbies and somewhat socialize at the cost of purging, disturbing gut pains from taking lax and feeling lethargic.
Also I've taken a lax diarrhea water dump in a lot of places over my small city now and I don't know if that's a thing to be proud of

Anonymous 9903

Here again.

The shits are still weird. Fairly sure I am lactose intolerant as well.

I have yet to go to see someone about it.

My clothes are not fitting well again. I had a bout in college when I noticed that I had gained weight and started wearing the same sweater and pants all the time. I can't do that now that I work, but my wardrobe has become more limited.

Wondering how I got back to a size that was sort of equilibrium without trying.

Anonymous 9906

Crossing my fingers that tomorrow I reach 115 lbs. It's so disgusting when one keeps in mind that I used to weigh much less. How'd I let myself get to the state where I have to lose weight because I'm this grotesque?

Anonymous 9911

Does anyone has experience with metformine? how did it go?

Anonymous 9947

i took it as an alternative treatment for hormonal acne to see if that would work. i was on the thinner side though and didn't lose any extra weight but regular metformin fuuucked my stomach up, so if you can get it, i'd recommend extended release met. regular metformin made me almost pass out multiple times and completely destroyed my stomach. a lot of people have awful gastro issues with regular met. other than that it is well tolerated and people say it works well for weight loss if you're overweight.

Anonymous 9964

>do you have an eating disorder? which one?
i haven't been in treatment/diagnosed, i cycle between b/p and restricting a lot
>are you attempting recovery?
yes, but to be completely honest it feels more like an excuse to binge. then again at this point i don't even know what binge means anymore, it feels like any time i eat anything i'm binging.
>how long have you had it?
probably longer than i realize (i found a 500cal food diary from when i was 15) but the ana REALLY kicked in early last year (was 18)
>what caused it?
swelling like a balloon thru my teenage years because of antipsychotics, then basically eating nothing for 6 months during a drug bender. being both tall and fat for most of my life really fucked with my psyche in ways i didn't realize until way too late
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
unless i'm in a purging phase there's not much of a difference other than the general constant thinking about food and how to stretch my calorie limit. i also have a lot of restaurant apps just so i can pretend to order something and measure the calories/price it would cost, i spend an absurd amount of time doing this. i'm better at math now at least

Anonymous 9970

I might've hit a new low with lax abuse. There's chewed undigested food and some slightly dirty water coming out of my butthole every hour or two. And it hurts.
at least i don't absorb as many calories now i guess? wouldn't recommend doing that to your body though, it's terrible

Anonymous 10023

I've had anorexia for maybe 6 years now. I developed it after being prescribed for a short time (about 2 years) and realizing how good it felt to lose weight so quickly. I'm really sick of it now. I want to recover but I really can't bring myself to eat large quantities of food unless it's "binge worthy" junk food. Right now I'm surviving off of egg salad sandwiches and fast food maybe 5 times a month.

How do I get my appetite back? What do normal healthy people eat?

Anonymous 10025

Had anorexia as a teen and had to drop out of school to be an inpatient as the doctors said I could die. Recovery is hard, your fullness cues will be off for a long time, and so will digestion. I refused recovery for a long while until I watched a friend try to commit suicide in hospital and decided I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to have babies, have real relationships, travel, all that. Start now before it’s too late and you’re infertile with osteoporosis.

Anonymous 10026

>do you have an eating disorder?
maybe i dont know
>which one?
likely EDNOS
>are you attempting recovery?
no until i think im sick enough or reach that 25 mark where i'd have to get my shit together or kms
>how long have you had it?
since around mid-teens
>what caused it?
i feel like i hopped onto restricting from SH, and probably as some self validating thing. i didnt have any social life, or any goals so i decided "fuck it" and started restricting. i think also the "i need to be clean" thoughts i had because i felt like everyone around me was clean and nice and i thought and still think people don't come near me because i stink or im dirty and icky and i couldn't stand myself.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i used to give out all my food to people at school, and always looking for a low calorie option. nowadays though i dont have the energy to do much, im dizzy 24/7 and if i ever eat anything big my digestive system will freak out.

Anonymous 10066

I used to have bullimia. I am no longer bullimic but I feel worse than I ever did before I started. 6 years on and I cannot look at myself in the mirror without crying. My teeth are ruined and so am I :) I wish I could go back. I wish I could tell myself that even if I think ruining my body won't matter, even if I think I cannot ever look worse than I do now even if I choose not to seek help for my disorder, that it will hurt so much very more than I ever imagine. It is a long, drawn out full pain that hits you every day of your life, and my god, it hurts so much. I want it to stop so much. I no longer feel like a human being anymore, I am an ugly and rotten woman. But nobody knows, and nobody cares except me.

The only way I live on now is by starving now. I just move on to a different medicine, one that I pretend will make me feel so much better despite the fact that I know it will kill me inside just as much.

sorry for blog posting lol

Anonymous 10067

Stop doing this anon. Stop thinking about the things you hate about yourself. Put the mirrors and the scales away. We don’t need them anymore. Being happy and healthy will make you beautiful. Chase that instead.

Anonymous 10083

i had bad depression as a preteen/teen to the point i wasn't even grooming myself minimally. my teeth are absolutey fucking fucked. all the expenses getting them fixed has cost me $15k out of pocket in the past few years. that's all of my vacations and my debt being paid off gone out the window.

iktf, it sucks so much. and when a dentist is judgemental it really hurts. the last one commented, "wow, you really had a lot of cavities". i think about his comment almost every day. he didn't even realize he said something hurtful either and he's a great dentist and nice guy. i feel like i'm just absolutely fucked.

Anonymous 10085

You can get lots of cavities even if you brush every day (like I did) so don't feel bad about that.

Anonymous 10115

Thank you anon I just hope one day I won't feel like pain is necessary.

Anonymous 10706

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?

ARFID, probably. not diagnosed.

>are you attempting recovery?

i don't know how to. most foods taste bad and feel dirty. i've narrowed down to a few safe foods that i can stomach, but then they aren't always the healthiest, and the calories scare me off.

>how long have you had it?


>what caused it?

being born? OCD, maybe. family also has very fucked up views on weight gain. its just one of my comorbidities.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

i have a hard time getting proper nutrition. i can't eat at restaurants with friends, but they still insist on taking me out even when i warn them i wont touch my plate. mom's concerned about my weight. i'm concerned about this taking a toll on me. im also tired all the time, barely do much but sit around.

Anonymous 10975

i realize this probably doesnt count but i have a never ending compulsion to eat
i think its because its one of the few things that gives my brain happy chemicals
i eat and eat all the time and im never satisfied, even when im nauseous i want to eat
how do i stop this

Anonymous 11059

Don't discount your struggle anon, it is absolutely a disordered relationship with food at least. I had an ed (flip flop between ana and bulimia) for about 7 years. I spent so much time obsessing over food and my body. I never really tried to recover, but the second time I took acid, I came to some weird realizations, and never went back.

Anonymous 11060

You're going to have to build new positive connections between other activities instead of eating. I recommend talking to a therapist specialized in CBT, or if you can't, find a way to follow some guidelines for adjusting your behavior.

Anonymous 11061

me too anon..i feel like i’m just eating to stop feeling empty, not cause i’m hungry. i do it whenever i feel bored or lonely or nothing at all

Anonymous 11086

i have binge eating disorder and a disorder called "being a fucking fatass" because eating is the only thing gives me happiness. i've been on restriction like a few years ago, lost a good amount of weight just to gain it back i hate myself

Anonymous 11118

I lost 20 pounds during the first round of quarantine because I was stressing so much and I feel better now but that means my appetite is back so I'm back where I started

Anonymous 11138

this sounds stupid but have you tried chugging warm water? it takes longer to be absorbed so for me it makes me feel full for a while

Anonymous 11140

i've had restrictive anorexia for about five years, currently trying not to spiral into another relapse. can't ever fully recover because my autismo ass can never stop counting calories. insurance won't cover any treatment either.

can't ever win with an ed i guess

Anonymous 11141

based and eugenia cooney pilled. no jk. its fine to actually count calories but take breaks from that OCD habit, have days where you dont give a single fuck about it and others where you do.

Anonymous 11247


>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
>are you attempting recovery?
Not anymore. I may have felt better physically but worse mentally.
>how long have you had it?
At least 10 years, closer to 15.
>what caused it?
I hate my body and all the fat it has. My family is on the chubby side and it made me fear gaining weight.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Constant anxiety over calories, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, general negativity. I know this doesn't make me feel better really, but it replaces one bad feeling with another. Please just kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Anonymous 11280

I just realised I haven't eaten for a week.

Anonymous 11281


>do you have an eating disorder?
i want to say yes but i havent been diagnosed so i know i shouldnt
>which one?
i dont know since i havent been diagnosed by a professional so i dont want to say anything stupid
>are you attempting recovery?
no im currently trying to get a bmi of 15, i feel like that would be nice ^_^ im currently at 16 point something im nearly there
>how long have you had it?
i dont know but ive always been known to not like eating
>what caused it?
im really afraid of being fat its genuinely one of my biggest fears after rape because i know losing weight isnt nearly as easy as gaining it and it would be impossible for me to lose anything with my way of living, and i fear that even if i try ill be stuck in that weight for life due to age
i also feel the need to be in control of something in my life, so i guess this helps… before i used to self harm but since ive used up all the space in my thighs and wrists and because i got caught i started thinking about other things ( not that i get to decide what to do, um… im sorry i dont really know how to explain )
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does ?
i have an obsession with calories and im always throwing up my food whenever i feel guilty about eating as i think i dont really deserve to eat and will get fat if i do anyway
my blood pressure drops very often so im always shaking somewhat and i feel like im going to pass out at any moment, i experience temperature in a very extreme way ( i feel like im freezing below 21 degrees celsius lol ) um… i dont know brain fog ? but maybe ive just always been this way… im kind of really dumb anyway

Anonymous 11282


>do you have an eating disorder?
technically not, but my psychologist has told me that im bordering on one
>which one?
bordering on anorexia
>are you attempting recovery?
no. why would i? im aiming to drop back to 17 bmi (im currently at 18) and work my way down to less as i go.
>how long have you had it?
my bmi has never been over 20 in my life so i dont really know but i started having thoughts of disordered eating at around age 18 or so
>what caused it?
extremely terrified of being fat and also my mom has been obsessed with counting calories/macros for the past few years and it rubbed off on me alarmingly quickly
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
i get nauseous and dizzy very quickly. im short on breath and have absolutely no agility at all. im just generally weak as fuck and i get injured and cold very easily. combined with the fact that i cut myself, i have an overall pretty frail body that deals with being exposed to anything that isnt laying in my bed awfully.

ive been getting urges to start purging despite being very scared of vomit these past few months, too, and every time a stronger wave of urges hits i get closer to it. i know its gonna fuck up my teeth and make my face all puffy but something is driving me to sticking my fingers down my throat.

Anonymous 11590


Dead thread but I'll bite.

>do you have an eating disorder?which one?

Currently bulimia, formerly anorexia

>are you attempting recovery?

Honestly I'm at an age now where I just manage the cycle on my own. I've had medical intervention in the past but at this point I have all the skills to look after myself

>how long have you had it?

what caused it?

I've had a "complicated relationship" with food pretty much my entire life. My mum was obsessed with dieting and my dad was a big eater (bodybuilder). I was a neglected child and ended up using food to replace love. I was a chubby little critter until I hit 14ish and anorexia hit me like a train for reasons I won't put too much detail on. I'll keep it short and say I was kinda messed up from my upbringing

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

The intrusive nature of disordered thinking has haunted me since I was a child. Stress was a trigger to eat until it developed into a trigger to not eat anything ever. Now, it's the same banal ED thoughts whenever I go near food whether they make me uncomfortable or not

Anonymous 11597

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
Never been officially diagnosed. I have an unhealthy relationship with food, though. I would say that mine is solely restrictive. (Bulimia signals a lack of self-control to me, and it's pretty disgusting – not to mention ineffective.)
>are you attempting recovery?
Absolutely not, but I make sure my weight doesn't drop too low so that I don't need hospitalization.
>how long have you had it?
It started around six years ago, I think. I had just started college and was able to make myself lose weight as my family wasn't forcing me to eat a normal amount of food.
>what caused it?
Lots of insecurity about my looks, as well as a sense of pride that I'm able to control my food intake as well as my "disordered" thoughts. If nothing else, I can be the thinnest person in any given group, and that remains a constant. It's also good to know that there are many people out there who would see my body as "thinspo". At a certain point I was actually thinner than most "thinspo" images, which was great.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
Doesn't really disrupt anything since I live alone anyway.

Anonymous 11630

>do you have an eating disorder?
which one?
yes, anorexia. undiagnosed.
>are you attempting recovery?
kind of? i have been putting a bit of weight and i'm trying not too mind. maintaining my 16 bmi was exhausting, i'm happier now, but still disordered.
>how long have you had it?
since i was 14
>what caused it?
a friend who introduced me to pro ana communities.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it makes my life pretty much miserable. i can't concentrate, i can't see my family, i can't go on dates with my boyfriend. it's awful.

Anonymous 11652


>do you have an eating disorder?
sort of, I feel like I'm swinging all over the place

>which one?

used to be straight up anorexic, now ednos

>are you attempting recovery?

I started to eat more normally after I had a severe illness bout and almost died, only to start eating too much junkfood in the last few years. it's my way of saying "fuck you" to myself for depriving my being in the past. my portions remain wack though. lately I've been binging, but I'm wanting to restrict again and go down to maybe a half meal a day. I can't stand being close to or over 130 lbs and I desperately wish I could go back down to 110-120. because my system is so fucked from my anorexic years, I have to take laxatives to have a decent shit, which sounds like a hard cope for the reason why I exceed the amount of laxative pills I'm supposed to take: I do it to help keep my weight lower. have been doing this for years and surprised it hasn't given me a straight up stomach ulcer. I would say I'm dealing with my ED differently than I used to, and some of it has turned into periodic binge eat periods of guilt. I'm a bipolarfag so it coincides with my mood swings

>how long have you had it?

since I was a teenager

>what caused it?

I went through a "fat phase" when I was pubescent where my boobs and stomach ballooned. I was relentlessly abused for my body type by skinny girls. I did lose some of my baby fat around the time I was 16, it wasn't enough, and that's when the ED behavior worsened. my mom is an abusive narc who's always been skinny. though I've never weighed over 140 in my life, the way my fat distributEd combined with my proportions makes me appear stocky as hell, despite me never being fat fat. my mom binges on junkfood, rarely exercises, and never weighed over 140 lbs at 5'9" in her life until she hit her fifties. at one point during my fat phase she had gotten sick and lost a lot of weight, wouldn't eat much, and looked skeletal. the abuse she heaped upon me, though not body specific, as well as her obsession with vanity, the subsequent skeletal phase, caused me to manifest my insecurities into anorexia. I was obsessed with kpop and celebrity gossip at the time and how the women looked, would visit skinnygossip and browse pro ana tumblr, which furthered my desire to lose weight. at my lowest I was probably 100 lbs at 5'5" (before gaining some height)-5'7" (after). though I lapsed out of my starvation by the time I was 21-22, I've not eaten normally since.

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

my body has been weakened by it. First attempt at recovery, my immunity had been affected by my illness I'd contracted that almost killed me. I grew a couple more inches as a result of my improved nourishment, that I didn't expect. I started working retail in my late teens after this all happened. my joints and bones and muscles are quite weak, I bruise easily, I cramp. since I tend to eat one two meals a day, a bigger one, I spend about half the day fatigued. covid hasn't helped my relationship with food, when it was in its early stages and everywhere was closed, lost my motivation to overexercise and my solace with everything being closed and my socialization stifled was watching movies closed off from my shitty family and eating. I think that's when the binge cycles started, which would be followed by periods of eating less to counteract it. I have extreme body dysmorphia and a warped perception of my face. I hate the way I look, but I also can't stop looking at myself wanting to nitpick for areas of improvement. my only bright spot is my ass, pretty much all else is ugly to me. I wear mostly boyish clothes and form fitting outfits are a no no for me unless I'm going to some kind of event where I can mask my facial ugliness with makeup and hide my stomach fat with a cinched waist skirt or something. otherwise, nah.

Anonymous 11656

Anyone else have this?

I dont really think that i have an eating disorder but i really dont like eating food. I eat very little and am very skinny and i absolutely hate it. I feel like a freak because of how skinny i am. Im guessing that im 5-10 kilos away from needing medical intervention. Taking all of that into consideration im still very unhappy with the fact that i have to eat every day if i want to look normal. I sometimes cry because im tired of not liking food.

Anonymous 12399

>do you have an eating disorder?
I think I keep teetering on the edge of developing a full blown ED
>which one?
if I were to get diagnosed it'd probably be EDNOS
>are you attempting recovery?
no lol
>how long have you had it?
I started noticing disordered patterns my sophomore year of college (2 years ago) but it definitely got worse over quarantine
>what caused it?
was a tall and skinny kid, gained weight b/c my psychiatrist made me drink Ensure, lost most of the weight b/c of a stressful waitressing job, became terrified to gain it back
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it's not constant, but I get periods where I obsess over food and spend most of my day being anxious about what i'm going to eat. My body dysmorphia/low self esteem is a huge distraction from my coursework, I spend so much time wallowing in despair about my body and appearance and it's made my already low grades worse.

I feel like I have no choice but to try to be skinny because of how I'm built and the way my face looks. I'm tall (a little over 6'1") with a naturally slender bone structure, and when I'm at a low weight I have a fairly defined waist. My face is kind of wonky, but if I'm a little underweight, the model-esque proportions should make up for it, plus my face just looks better when I'm skinnier. I gained a few pounds recently and my face has suffered.

Anonymous 12400

even though this was posted awhile ago this might help others
it sounds like arfid which is actually more common than it seems, I personally have it and struggle with a disinterest in food and being overwhelmed by it along with a lot more. I suggest looking into it since there's quite a lot of symptoms for it that you wouldn't think count but do

Anonymous 12413


>do you have an eating disorder?

>which one?

anorexia, diagnosed

>are you attempting recovery?

not at all i would love to get worse as bad as that sounds
testing my limits when it comes to things like this is the only thing that excites me

>how long have you had it?

ive never really had a healthy relationship with food my whole life my mother tells me i hated eating even as a baby but ive only started having disordered thoughts as soon as i reached puberty so starting at age 12 i would say

>what caused it?

constant bullying by older women and my classmates at school and finding comfort in anorexia forums and sides of social media are all contributing factors to body dysmorphia which eventually gave me an eating disorder i feel like… and anyway i really like the sense of control it gives me and i would rather kill myself than to ever be made to work out starving works much faster anyway and muscles remind me of moids masculine is the last adjective i want attributed to me… but that doesnt mean i dont like muscles on other women

>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?

yes. i always take the time to look up calories in the foods im eating ( which is probably normal ? ) and i wont go over 500 calories. if i surpass 1000 cals in a day and i cant throw up instantly i start having a meltdown
currently aiming to weigh like 32kg lol seems like a good goal i have 7 more to go wish me luck ^_^

Anonymous 12435


>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
pick a card, any card
>are you attempting recovery?
im just fully lost rn i dont want to die i dont want to live
>how long have you had it?
>what caused it?
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
fucks everything up. all the time. i’ve re-typed this section 5+ times now, basically, Im just sitting here, an adult woman, crying in real time, kek hi anons

Anonymous 12436

samefag no longer crying might report back next month see how it goes

Anonymous 12532

ik this isnt what you want to hear but please consider seeking professional help

Anonymous 12624

>do you have an eating disorder?
>which one?
anorexia, restricting type
>are you attempting recovery?
no, was "recovered" (forced into recovery) a year and 4 months ago and now i'm working on getting back to my pre-recovery weight
>how long have you had it?
it started maybe 12 years ago, but my first honeymoon phase where i was restricting/fasting everyday was 9 years ago
>what caused it?
probably a combination of several things. i was called fat by my family as a kid (4-15 years old), but especially my brother, he always called me a pig and a cow and whatnot, but that might just be because he was a ballroom dancer and, now that i think about it, his trainers and peers must have put pressure on him for his body as well. i have always had a healthy bmi as a kid.
>how does it disrupt your daily life, if it does?
it absolutely does. i can't take a bite out of any kind of food without regretting it, wondering why i did that and how i'm disgusting. it has impacted my physical health immensely, problems with hormone production. i would say it accelerated my depression and ocd symptoms. at my lowest weight(s) i always noticed that i get more easily irritated, it would be way harder for me to study and i would give up after no more than 10 minutes, of course, low energy, fainting (especially in the shower for some reason?), i quit my job of 1.5 years because i was too embarrassed to state the fact that i would be going inpatient, stunted growth, warped perception of not only my body, but others too and so on.

writing this down actually reminded me of an instance where my brother pushed me down to measure my waist and compare it to his. now that i think about it, there was no way that was possible so he was probably lying (we have a 5 year age gap), but he said that my waist was bigger than his. i must have been 6-8 years old. it hurts just thinking about the fact that at that age i felt as if i was not good enough. i dont think i even fully understood what it meant to be fat, all i knew is that that's what i was and that it was a bad thing. and once i was old enough to understand it at least a little bit that's when i started trying to put in effort to change myself. i was a little girl, a kid. it hurts even more that i blame my kid self for ruining my life, making me unable to ever experience simple and pure happiness ever again.

Anonymous 12628


>tfw I 90% recovered from an eating disorder and some of my weird behaviors around food was just the aspergers
feels good, I highly recommend it. So what if you feel fat sometimes, its not like you don't also feel fat sometimes when you're very underweight

Anonymous 12630

im 265 lbs
my life is a mess

Anonymous 12745

im 174 lbs i hate myself

Anonymous 13176

At the supermarket today I bought:
Orange juice
Cold brew coffee
Iced tea
Tortilla chips

I feel like the guy from The Fantastic Mr. Fox who lives on nothing but apple cider, lol.

Anonymous 13364


Asked for help on /fit/ but as you can guess they weren't so sympathetic. I appreciate that this may piss people off but I'm really worried as to why I'm not gaining weight anymore.

Been fat my whole life up until about pandemic time. I was losing weight eating 1500 cals a day (excluding cheat days), walking and dancing for half an hour three days a week. Got down to 130lbs which is what I wanted.

Then all of a sudden I couldn't stop losing (despite switching to eating at maintenance) and it's like something snapped in me and I was getting huge cravings. Ended up binging and purging on Xmas and other assigned 'mega cheat days', then dieting for the next week to make up for it. Realised I was overestimating my calories in general and allowed myself to eat more, especially since my period had stopped.
Nowadays I maintain 120lbs eating 2100 cals a day's worth each week. Considering how little I exercise and my very average height, this should be way too high. These days I lift for 30 mins, 3 times a week and walk for about 40 mins to an hour on weekdays and 30 mins on weekends, though I don't even lift very heavy and I was doing roughly the same amount of exercise as chubster in high school.

What scares me is when I go on mini holidays to this day I still binge pretty massively (eat over double maintenance for like two days in the week while I'm holidaying) and yet never seem to gain any weight. I've heard of anorexic recovery hypermetabolism but despite my calorie over-estimations and anxiety about gaining weight I'm sure I was never eating so little that my metabolism would be rocked in that way.

So wtf is wrong with me, am I sick? I've had a blood test and apparently hyperthyroidism isn't the issue. Any replies appreciated.

tldr despite my basic level of exercise and very average height I am for some reason able to maintain 120lbs at 2100 cals while other girls with similar weights and fitness levels maintain at way lower so I'm scared something's wrong with me

Anonymous 13369


can't help you sorry but i am extremely jealous of you

Anonymous 13371

Sorry to make you feel that way anon. I swear it's really annoying for me too because I can't stop worrying that I've got a serious underlying issue. Anyway, hang in there and good luck.

Anonymous 13380

Yeah of course, I'd be worried too even if there'd be a part of me that would love it, that part isn't mentally healthy. Any normal person would worry and I didn't mean to be disrespectful, it's totally normal and sane for you to be worried. I hope you find the cause. Maybe you really do just burn more than you think. 2100 sounds like a lot to a disordered mind but i know plenty of normal, non-disordered slim women who eat that much.

Anonymous 13384

No worries, I didn't take it the wrong way. Thank you for being encouraging. So much nicer talking to anon gals than some of the moids on /fit/

Anonymous 13385

Anonymous 13421

Does being extremely picky to the point of not eating at all count as an ed? My taste and smell have been altered for some reason for 6 months (no, its not covid), so I cant eat at all and have lost a lot of weight as the result. i dont have any bosy dysmorphia though.

Anonymous 13422

I would state that an eating disorder generally refers to mental problems that are effecting the act of eating for you. For comparison, someone who doesn't have a jaw doesn't have an eating disorder even though they can't chew food unassisted right? The situation you're describing sounds similar to a severe case of depression, but it could also have biological causes instead of anything mental related. Have you talked to a doctor about this?

Anonymous 13432

Might be ARFID, but a legitimate lack of appetite sounds like less of an ED and more of a physical issue you should get checked out.

Anonymous 13504


I'm not underweight but I obsessively count calories and stay in line with my set amount, only seem to get my period every three months now and I desperately scrape at my plate for more food when I finish. When it comes to the food desperation I don't even physically feel hungry but I figured it might be reactive eating and decided I'd let myself indulge this week. Why tf did my idiot self think I could be "reactive eating" when I'm not fucking underweight. I've had four binges this week and it won't stop (3500 cals, 6000 cals two days in a row and now another 3000). This is just my true pig self resurfacing and relapsing into being a fat fuck like I used to be isn't it holy fuck

Anonymous 13511

it can definitely be reactive eating even if you are not underweight.
>This is just my true pig self resurfacing and relapsing into being a fat fuck like I used to be isn't it holy fuck
don't talk to yourself like that. it's the same i used to talk to myself and all it did was lead to more binging. don't be so hard on yourself, you're not having a great week and shitting on yourself for it isn't going to make it better. you can do this, i promise you. it just takes time and making an effort in being gentle with yourself.

Anonymous 13516

Thank you anon, I appreciate it very much and am a little more chill now. Idk how it could be reactive eating if I'm technically at a healthy weight but maybe it's just not healthy for my own body.

Anonymous 13517

Just to be sure, what do you think reactive eating is?

Anonymous 13519

Isn't it when you just instinctively eat whatever you can in front of you as a result of your body kicking into survival mode from starving for so long? That's why I worry I'm just binging, because I eat 2000 cals a day and am at a healthy weight. My main worry is that it's just happening because I've been overweight all my life and my body doesn't want to be anything but that anymore.

Anonymous 13520

Reactive eating, specifically, as far as I can tell, refers to you not feeling hungry until you have already started eating, and then you quickly get severely hungry, and, presumably, start eating a severe amount. This can happen to anyone, at anytime. It sounds like you are incredibly stressed, which is understandable. Your post has the connotation of "wasn't very hungry before eating", but I didn't read anything about feeling "incredibly hungry after eating" as much as you describing yourself binging. I can assume that to be the case, but I just wanted to make sure we were using the term the same way.
>My main worry is that it's just happening because I've been overweight all my life and my body doesn't want to be anything but that anymore.
That's very understandable, but just to clarify, you do understand the difference between your "body" hungering/wanting to be at a specific weight and your physical "brain" wanting you to do something, right?

Anonymous 13524

Yeah idk what's up with me tbh. I never really let myself feel hungry because I'm so eager to eat all the time. When I do eat, I end up practically licking the plate clean. I don't feel hungry when I do - it's very instinctive and I don't even notice myself doing it. My bf gets annoyed at me when he sees me eating the apple and the apple core because I apparently look so ravenous and it really concerns him.
>you do understand the difference between your "body" hungering/wanting to be at a specific weight and your physical "brain" wanting you to do something, right?
The reason why I thought it could be reactive eating is because I've read some people say that even if you aren't physically hungry, you end up doing what feels like a binge because your body is desperate for food. That sounds kind of like me but then I think after a certain point my binge brain takes over and it turns into excess. Thank you again for taking the time to chat anon btw. No pressure to keep it up, you've already been a big help

Anonymous 13525

I should add that when I say 'eager to eat' it's not really out of a feeling of hunger. I just desperately want it to be meal time. When it comes, I eat and eat super fast and don't want to stop for a second.

Anonymous 13526

> I never really let myself feel hungry because I'm so eager to eat all the time.
This is such a interesting phrase I don't know what to do with it, not negative, just this construct. What does "letting yourself feel hungry" entail? Like, I'm sorry to sound confused, but are you mentally rejecting physical stomach cramps?
> That sounds kind of like me but then I think after a certain point my binge brain takes over and it turns into excess.
Well, I think reactive eating is binging, but not all binging is reactive eating. If you're not specifically feeling hunger when you do the explosive binge, then I suppose it would be different, but, I again come to the question of what does "hunger" or "feeling hungry" mean to you?

Anonymous 13527

>what does "hunger" or "feeling hungry" mean to you?
I think for me it's feeling a bit of a pit in your stomach. I associate stomach rumbling with pretty intense hunger. I haven't felt anything like that in a long time because I always make sure to eat at set times after breakfast: lunch at 12 and dinner anywhere from 4:30 to 5pm. I feel guilty about dinner timing because that's obviously so early but I hate having to wait any longer than that.

Anonymous 13530

Well, I'm not a doctor, and I'm also not a psychiatrist, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. You said you were worried that it was just "your body wanting to return to being fat", and I'd strongly argue that this is incredibly unlikely unless you've been tested and actually proven to have an actual hormonal problem. Again I don't know you, diagnosing from a distance. From the very scant information I've gotten from you, you seem to have entrenched an incredibly dopaminergic surge within the act of eating, which would predict the extreme amount of anticipatory pleasure (or lack thereof, i.e. "I feel guilty about dinner timing because that's obviously so early but I hate having to wait any longer than that.") feeling extreme distress at having to put it off, and seeming to correct a low amount of pleasure to a manageable level while indulging. This being the case, it does not sound like reactive eating to me as much as you've… "hijacked" your reward system to revolve around food incredibly heavily, which gets activated while eating. This is neither good nor bad, it just is. Now, to be fair, it is downright impressive to hold back that strong an urge with, what I can only consider to be mental force of will, however, it seems by doing this act of, let's say, "repression' you are creating a stronger urge as time goes by, which would explain the binging episode. Now obviously, this strategy is working, else you wouldn't be doing it, but maybe there's a possibility of using another strategy? I'm not strictly saying that your current strategy will make this situation worse with time, maybe you've just got a few bad days and you'll be right back and spiffy in a bit, but there's also the possibility that the strategy you are using is making this reward wiring problem worse. Does this sound reasonable at all to you?

Anonymous 13531

Am honestly floored anon. I can't express how grateful I am that you've taken the time to listen and analyse and explain things in such a detailed and orderly way. What you're saying has definitely crossed my mind (or something quite similar) - that it may just be a result of how I've learned to perceive food and eating as a whole, though I didn't want to think about it too much because to me that basically means admitting that it's down to my own weakness but again, that's just how I perceive it.
> I'm also not a psychiatrist
Considering your analysis I have to ask, are you training to be one? It's all very impressive. If it interests you, I'm the anon from this post >>13364 which provides more context for my odd situation. Another reason why I decided to let myself indulge more this week is because of what I mention in that post - I'm concerned at how I seem to be able to maintain 120lbs at a very average height despite my 2100-cals-a-day's-worth-per-week and pretty unimpressive amount of exercise. Though please don't feel pressured to read that big block of text, just sending in case you are in some kind of training and that it may interest you further. Many many thanks again

Anonymous 13532

I meant to green the >I'm not a doctor because the stuff in that post is probably more suited to someone training for that field but yeah sorry I don't mean to take advantage of your good will

Anonymous 13533

>though I didn't want to think about it too much because to me that basically means admitting that it's down to my own weakness but again, that's just how I percieve it.
Well, I'm not sure I would call it a "weakness" per say, but, if that's what you want to call it for now that's fine. I would just say, maybe, as a higher tier strategy, I would think working on the "weakness" would perhaps be a better strategy to a healthy relationship with weight and food, as compared to your, admittedly, working strategy. Because again, if your current strategy was not helping, you wouldn't be doing it, but maybe, there exists a better strateg?
>Considering your analysis I have to ask, are you training to be one?
No, I just read a lot of books and listen to some people that have interesting perspectives on the topic. I can't say I'd want to be a medical practitioner because (and being the most precise in my speech I possible can) I don't like the interacting with people angle of the problem as much as the fixing of the problem, and those professions require people skills I just don't desire to muster, not to mention legal bullshit.
>Though please don't feel pressured to read that big block of text, just sending in case you are in some kind of training and that it may interest you further.
Oh I already read it some days ago, but I can't say anything about the physical realities it just isn't something I'm interested in. I could scarcely state that if you're definitely eating that many calories, only doing that much exercise, and have been professionally tested for hormonal problems. The next area that comes to my mind is whether or not you are properly "disgesting" food. I know nothing of this field, but if the physical number of calories going in is that high, and the activity that moderate, then maybe the calories/nutrients are not being absorbed during digestion?

Anonymous 13534

>but maybe, there exists a better strategy
Yeah, I'll definitely have to find one. I think quarantine really didn't help because all I had to think about was 'what am I going to eat next?' so my brain got in the habit of associating food with entertainment, in a weird way.
>I don't like the interacting with people angle of the problem as much as the fixing of the problem, and those professions require people skills I just don't desire to muster
I definitely get that. I've been told that I could be a psychologist or therapist of some kind but I'm only good on the analysis side of things and not nearly empathetic enough. Either way, you definitely seem to have a good head on you and I wish you luck in whatever you want to pursue. No doubts that you can accomplish it.
>he next area that comes to my mind is whether or not you are properly "disgesting" food.
I'll definitely raise that possibility with my doc. Hoping to get a referral to a dietician of some kind. Anyway, massive thanks again anon. If you're on this thread I'm assuming you've had issues with eating too? I wish you luck in that way too

Anonymous 13535

You aren't taking advantage of my good will at all, I find the conversation interesting, and it seems to be helping me develop a sense of reward from helping others with their problems which is novel.

Anonymous 13537

Very happy to hear it. Thanks so much again for all your help

Anonymous 13555

I watched one Supersize vs Superskinny after years of forgetting about it and now YT is suggesting me "what I ate in a week//tw: ed" videos by teenagers who go "i ate 700 kcal today oh no i binged" and I can't with it. Fuck. Fuck this shit.

Anonymous 13574

How much weight can someone gain from a week of binging? I've eaten enough to gain about 3.5 pounds but will it actually happen? Not anorexic or really someone with BED, just a restrictive eater who has some bad binges every so often. The idea of gaining that much terrifies me.

Anonymous 13575

Blank it out as best as you can anon. No YT vid can have any bearing on you or your progress.

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