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i feel like i'm barely alive, and i don't know what my problem is. i have a lot of issues with focus and motivation. i was diagnosed with adhd when i was 13, and i've tried many medications for it up through university, but none helped. i have trouble with basic hygiene and taking care of myself. when i google stuff related to "cant brush my teeth every day" kek everything that pops up is about depressed people who struggle with feeling worthy and deserving of caring for themselves. i don't hate myself, and i really want to be clean and look nice. i just don't do it.

i see some bipolar traits in myself. my father has bipolar type two. my grandfather is schizophrenic, and i am terrified of developing this. i do swing between extreme optimism and extreme despair. i oscillate between extended periods of insomnia and sleeping for 20 hours a day. when i am in this despair mood, i lose my personality and i am incapable of reacting to things. my mind becomes blank and i do not understand what to say in basic conversation, because i cannot think of any response at all. my insight is always severely impaired in both states of despair and optimism. i do not have any clarity of thought. my thoughts are either chaotic gibberish word vomit that happen too fast for me to even understand, or my thoughts are so slow that my internal monologue vanishes and i am not able to put any words together at all. right now i am on day 3 of this high-energy insomnia thing
i try hard over and over to fix my sleep schedule, but i don't wake up when i set an alarm. i really want to set a regular bed time, but then when it comes time for me to go to bed, i can't sleep/don't want to sleep and i dread it because i know i will not wake up until the next evening. and i hate sleeping during tne day. makes me feel sadder and weirder. last week i somehow felt tired at 9 pm, and i was so proud of myself. i went to bed at 9! but then i woke up at 10 PM the next day lmao.

sometimes i get a burst of motivation to start an art project, but then i end up getting distracted and starting some other new thing, and nothing ever actually gets finished. i always genuinely believe i am about to finish something this time for real, which never happens. i can focus on something for maybe 30 minutes tops, and then i can never look at it again. during these periods i feel good about my life and believe there is actually nothing wrong, and that i am doing okay because at least i am employed. it is because i get the idea (delusional) that i'm going to start a new hobby, or pick up an old one, and get outside more, and i'll be fine when i finally am doing enough. and during these periods, the idea of sleeping makes me so sad. i know when i finally crash and sleep after like a week, i'll be in bed asleep for 1-3 days and lose all of this time and remember none of it. i sort of just lie in bed and let my life pass me by. i always end up worried i'm going to die in my sleep. i do not know who i am as a person. i used to love to read, but i have not had the mental focus and clarity to finish a book in years. i try not to be on the computer that much because it confuses me more. i spend a lot of time handwriting lists of random things, and then making new versions in different orders.

i've been like this basically as long as i can remember. when i was a kid, i could never go to sleep, and the only way i could wake up for school would be for my dad to dump a bucket of ice water on my head. i used to fall asleep in school every day. and as a child i never made close friends. i could make conversation casually, but i never developed long term friendships. i limped my way through university with adhd accommodations. i had some friends in university who i partied with, but no one close, and i didn't stay in contact with anyone. i try to be nice to people, but i am probably socially retarded (i've had people tell me i seem autistic but idk) and i think people just get offputting vibes from me because i am a strange person. for the past 4 years, i have had no friends. i talk to my mother every day. my dad doesn't call me or talk to me because he acts exactly like me and just sleeps all day. he is a good father, he's just also insane. my mom is the only real person in my life. i have two internet friends, and they only still talk to me because we met when we were 14. they've grown into serious women with real lives, and i am proud of how much my childhood internet friends have achieved. but i don't want them to pity me, and i just have nothing to talk about.

i've never had any trauma or any reason to be an antisocial recluse. i have a nice family, and i talk to my mother every day. my dad doesn't call me or talk to me because he acts exactly like me and just sleeps all day. he is a good father, he's just also insane. i don't have friends or social interaction outside of my mother. i am 25 and i have a fake email job and i can get enough work done during the energetic insomnia phases somehow to remain employed.

things i have tried:
>adhd meds: adderall, ritalin, concerta, strattera. strattera was horrible and had no benefit whatsoever, and brutal side effects. the other ones gave me more physical stamina and energy to go outside most days. they did nothing for my brain fog or focus. concerta made my chaotic racing thoughts worse. the stimulant meds all had this horrible anxious/depressed comedown period when they wore off in the evenings. concerta was the worst for this also.
>kratom (didn't really feel it,) piracetam (made me feel strange, dizzy and sleepless,) st. john's wort (made me fall asleep)
>i tried a ton of retarded things when i was 17-19 (marijuana, cocaine, mdma, ketamine, 4mmc, acid, shrooms, speed, alcohol.) had varying and mostly enjoyable experiences at this time, but i have no interest in these whatsoever now, and haven't done them in years. even at this time i was basically trying to find something that would "fix me" or give me a new perspective on life. none of them achieved this. i don't want to damage my brain more!!!
>i had years of talk therapy and different kinds of therapy from ages 8 to 17. i dont really remember it because i dont think it did anything. my memory is also really bad so i dont remember anything i may have been taught in these sessions, but i just felt like i was talking at this lady who wasnt really interested
>in 2021 i seriously evaluated converting to christianity and went to church for a time. obviously, i did not experience this spiritual reinvigoration in life. i like the idea of religion giving purpose and meaning, but i do not think it can do it for me
>i used to smoke, and quit last january. i replaced it with those retarded velo pouches. i want to quit these, too. nicotine is said to boost your mood and focus a bit, but it also has not done this for me because apparently nothing can
>in the past few years i have tried supplementing magnesium, vitamin B12 (i have the mthfr mutation,) vitamin C, vitamin D, iron. none of this made any noticeable difference.
>got thyroid levels tested recently, they are slightly below range but nothing to justify treatment

i am not suicidal, and i love being alive despite this weird bullshit. the only time i have ever experienced being suicidal was when i was taking concerta (i think my dose was too high.) it scared me! i never think about dying. i don't want to waste my life, but i want to make more of it. i am terrified of letting my life pass me by.

i want to get better, and to achieve clarity of thought. i love being outside in the sunlight and i love talking to my mother, and these things make me happy enough that i want to do them so much more. i want to be able to finish my drawings without getting distracted, and to be able to sleep every day at a semi regular time. i believe it is possible for me to improve if i can figure out the right way to do it. i don't want to be like my dad (just like me but 60) or my grandpa (lives in mental hospital and does not know what is real.)

i still feel like i should be able to will myself out of this somehow if i can just master my mind. i don't know how to do that. my mom wants me to try therapy (cbt?) but i think its a waste of money, and my parents just wasted money for me to get therapy for 10 years as a child, and i still turned into this. and i feel like i should be able to figure out how to change my behavior myself. i deep down do not want to see a psychiatrist to get evaluated for bipolar, because i do not want to be like my dad. my dad is unmedicated but he was medicated in the past, and it didn't change his life. i see what a burden my dad is to my mother right now, because he is a shell of the man she married and she has to support him while he is like this. i was born a shell so nothing of value has been lost, because i don't remember having a personality. my mom is such a lovely woman, she didn't ask for this shit, but now she is stuck with this mentally ill retard faildaughter whose only friend is her. and i don't want to be an additional burden to my mom also, especially as she is getting older. i feel a little bit lonely, but i also dont have the patience or mental clarity for any kind of friendships, and ive never been interested in dating.

ok s this is a very retarded desparatepost but like. am i just totally fucked genetically, or is it possible for me to get better somehow? is there something else i could maybe try that i haven't thought of? i will try drugs, i will try some new attitude, i will try developing behavioral patterns. i really want to turn things around if i possibly can. open to any and all suggestions