/x/ - /x/

I know it’s probably not very believable of my sanity due to the title. But I need to get this off of my chest to somebody, anybody, and this is probably a good place to go. Plus I’ve deleted all of my other social media, therapists are scheming little devils, and my family could not be trusted with this information.

For some context on how my mind kind of works: I don’t have DID or any of those dissociative disorders, but I might have a really diluted distant cousin type thing of one of them. You see, in my head, there is me, but also a bunch of smaller fractured mes, of different natures and temperaments, a likely infinite amount. There is no “fronting” that someone with a dissociative disorder would have; there is me and the ever shifting parliament of mes, and any certain amount of the mes may congregate and discuss in my surface thoughts at any time. This can range from heated debates to full on screaming matches. Usually when 2+ are meeting it is not very good. Usually to argue about the management of internal affairs.
One interesting thing though is that I do not hallucinate, ever. In my mind, very vivid descriptions of the scenes playing out occur, but no hallucinations.
Other people who are not me, and my OCs, are also present. But they are not part of the parliament. Think of them as actors in my thoughts.

So, onto what I am most concerned about.

I was in the discord roleplay circuit after joining a server. I had one major OC I would use in these roleplays. I began spending a lot of time and emotional investment in the story that me and this server were involved in. However, things started to go sour. So I left the server. But the events of the server, this story that had become so ingrained into my daily thoughts continued to haunt me, even as I began to resent my reminiscing as a drain on productivity.

I was also incredibly lonely at the time, so I started to do something I should have thought through more- I attempted to convert my OC into a tulpa. This did not work as intended. Development of the tulpa began to set in at a rapid pace, and the tulpa began expressing to me vaguely threatening intentions. So, the hedge my bets and cut my losses, I pulled the plug.

You may have noticed that I have been very vague on what occurred in the discord server. That is because I used a very simple hypnosis video to suppress my memories of the discord server, the storyline, and my character and thus locked all of it away in the recesses of my deep subconscious. This seemed to have worked for about a week or so, and it still works, but its performance is beginning to fray.

I don’t remember very much of my OC. I do know that multiple “iterations” of her had to be made due to conflicts in the timeline that led to resets in the story in my old server. I believe they are all working together as a unit. In the hours before my hypnosis, I’d felt them being locked away, as I deleted all art and images I had made of them. I felt them banging on some sort of steel door, demanding to be set free and each of the attempting to bargain with me, even trying to throw each other under the bus. After the hypnosis, a vivid scene I remember was standing over their unmarked graves, as some of the parliament told me it was the right thing to do, and that I shouldn’t worry about them anymore. They were wrong.

I probably should have taken my dreams into account. In my dreams I started to see characters that I think were trying to poorly imitate what I think my OC looked like. When having surface thoughts about some stories I’ve been trying to write, I imagine scenes I’m relatively confident happened in the server, but with my characters in place of whoever else would have been playing the parts. Sometimes it started to feel like an effort to not remember what I had forgotten.

During these times, a member of the parliament has risen to somewhat a place of prominence. I call her the General, or at least she and some other members of the parliament call her that. She looks like me but she has an eye patch, and she seems to be leading a brigade of some sorts in beating back the OCs, with unclear results.

But I’ve definitely lost a little faith in her today. Today I imagined a steel door. And I heard a voice on the other end. She is capable of much more reasoning now, and is targeting my insecurities and the like in an attempted to let her back in.

Whew! That was good to let off of my chest. I am seriously concerned though. What the fuck should I do? What the fuck is even going on?