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/feels/ - Advice & Venting

Talk about relationships of all kinds, ask for advice, or just vent

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Relationship General Anonymous 68927

Paradise to trouble in paradise. Come here for:


>?s about romance, love, potential partners, etc.
>experiences and wishes

Play nice!

Anonymous 68930

I had a dream like this once where I was with my crush in an airport. We were a couple and I was really happy to be with him, but then our surroundings were getting fuzzy. He tells me that it's almost time for me to wake up from my dream and I was all "noooooo I want to stay with you" so he comforted me and reassured me that it was going to be okay, and held me as I eased into inevitable wakefulness.
Um, anyway, in a few weeks I am taking a plane to go see him. We aren't together but I'd really like to be… Anyone got general tips on starting things with a guy?

Anonymous 68932

i'm concerned for the future. my s.o. and i will be at two different schools for graduate school and will have to move away. thoughts on maintaining a relationship over long distance?

Anonymous 68997

aw man don't rly have good advice for y'all
have fun. make sure you guys pick decent places (I know if I was meeting up with someone I'd pick a fun activity like an arcade, then something more leisurely like a cafe). make sure the logistics are taken care of so there's no stress. and know this: if things don't escalate..chances are it wouldn't have been a very compatible relationship anyway.
I'm telling u this bc, well, if things don't work out then even doing some things differently wouldn't really have helped, or would lead to an awkward relationship. It's really not "oh I missed out on my chance!" in most cases.

also, avoid falling into bed with him, I know that sounds mean but it can be very tempting with all the built up tension…plus it's something I constantly hear happening in these sort of stories.

Anonymous 68998

well, how important is physicality in your relationship? if you two are cuddle/sex bugs constantly it might be extremely hard to transition. if you guys connect the most over talking to one another and etc., maybe it could work.

Anonymous 68999


anyway I wanted to ask a…peculiar question.
I've been thinking about my sexuality. Honestly, how fluid IS sexuality–particularly for those that really don't feel much?

I am a virgin in my 20s and quite frankly I'm not…even sure if I have actually been attracted to anyone in my life, at least in person. Vaguely I have talked to people online and after a few months, have felt something. I have been asked out a few times by hot girls and never by guys for some reason despite presenting super femininely, which I never really understood.

But, something gives me pause. There was a girl irl a few years ago I knew that was so cute to me on so many levels and really captivated me with what she just…was. It made me wonder. It wasn't like I ever looked at a guy IRL and wanted to kiss him. When I thought I had a crush it kinda turned out I just was interested in someone as a person.

And quite frankly I'm not a huge fan of guys in general. So, yeah, here I am. Wondering.

Anonymous 69006

I think how fluid sexuality is varies by person. I think a lot of straight people can under certain circumstances do gay things and vice versa. Like they aren't bisexual persay, but remember in the past when being gay was more stigmatized many gay men had wives and kids. Likewise straight men will often rape eachother in prison or the military, because there are no women and they would rather do something gay than nothing at all.

Anonymous 69008

As fluid as you want it to be. What you are describing is almost exactly what is written in that "am I a lesbian" masterdoc (a note: I personally do not believe any of those things make you a lesbian per se, as they can be common in bi or straight girls too). You don't need to assign yourself a label if you don't feel comfortable with it.
You can ask yourself what your sexual fantasies usually revolve around: females/female pleasure? How would you feel about sex with either gender? And if you were to kiss them, cuddle, have a serious relationship, etc?
Labels are not very important. Just remember you don't have to force yourself to like guys if you don't.

Anonymous 69106


venting mostly. I'm let down by my bf. look. I'm the last person to complain about such a thing, but…he spent 5 hours last night going over every statement like a court proceeding over something that happened last week–me having a panic attack then a small argument with him because he overstepped a small boundary of mine. I had to reread it because I was so out of it at the time. a lot of said was general or emotional, dramatic statements (not related to him) and said out of the heat of the moment. he ended up taking them as potentially what I truly feel even though I never even thought them before. it felt like some robotic court proceeding.

>this is a conversation…we're have a civil conversation (while guilt tripping me into staying)

>goes on for 100s of words, overexplaining/repeating things, ignoring what I say during it
>ends up suggesting that what I said during the panic attack was the real me
>where I actually fucked up/what lead up to it was ignored

so basically I had to answer for things that I didn't even mean. I don't know. Maybe I owed him a go-over, but the fact that he seemed to ignore all my emotions was….weird…and I don't really know how to describe it. In the past he has said hyperbolic things to get feelings/points across, so it isn't like he's a stranger to it.

Anonymous 69109

You sound like you have BPD.

Anonymous 69110

in what way? the last time I had a panic attack was many months ago, before last week. my mood is pretty even otherwise.

Anonymous 69111

Well, you said a bunch of mean stuff to your bf and you seem to think that's normal behavior, and the bf is in the wrong for wanting to talk about it instead of pretending nothing happened.
Seems kinda manipulative.

Anonymous 69112

but, anon, I'm not saying it's normal behavior. I was extremely ashamed of it and I expected us to talk about it. also, most of what I said was about society or cruel stuff about myself. It's just…what happened was barely communication.

i.e., if I said something about society, he demanded I fully explained myself over it and then insisted I went and found studies for us to dissect. most of those things weren't stuff I believed in or thought before yet he insisted was my real beliefs. i.e., for 30 minutes he ended up typing out information he found from one study that I already knew and said so, but he continued, ignoring me. half of the conversation was just statistics.
This happened over and over again; it wasn't even a good discussion on the subject of the points I made during my panic attack tbh.

he didn't once mention any emotions, any feelings, nor his feelings or…really how I fucked up overall, etc.

Anonymous 69113

oh, the part I was let down about is mostly my worry that any conflict is going to look like this with him acting like the issue is solely ideological/technical.

maybe it helped him at least.

Anonymous 69114

we're cuddle bugs and sex maniacs…it's over, isn't it?

Anonymous 69115

My mom described herself as not being interested in sex until she fell in love with my dad.
So it might just depend on how close you feel to someone.
Try developing a relationship that doesn't rely on sex.
Anyone can have sex, but relationships take time.

Anonymous 69116

Probably yeah

Anonymous 69133

Are you dating a "blackpill" idiot or something? That's usually their method of arguing, posting cherry picked research papers that confirm their worldview while ignoring things that contradict it.

Anonymous 69137

I think I was in this boat. I lost my virginity at nearly 30 to the guy I'm still with years later. The idea of casual sex still repulses me.

Anonymous 69138

i tend just imagine cuddling. sometimes i have a dream i am with a person and its magic astronomically unthinkably rare dream. lately those dreams start slightly upbeat with potential then have issues in the dreams that end in abandonment and then nightmare.

Anonymous 69140

First time posting and I have a weird thing to get off my chest so I can stop thinking about it for a while before I deal with it.

Me and my bf were drinking a lot a few days ago and my bf told me he has Schizoid PD. I've read about it before and basically it makes you a loner with repressed emotions who actively dislikes social interaction.
Yes, he's aloof and a bit stoic, that makes sense. And I kinda like that about him. But he's also decently sociable and seems to have long term friends and is frequently in contact with his family, so him telling me that didn't make sense.

I questioned him about it and he said that he does hate social interaction, and neither likes nor dislikes the people he hangs out with (including family), but forces himself to, so he can live a normal life. He said that if he didn't start forcing himself to participate in "social rituals" (his own words), he'd go back to his old routine of going to work, working til late at night, going home, sleeping, and going back to work.
As he got more and more drunk, he started saying all kinds of weird stuff, like that he's trained himself to smile at the right time by consciously moving his mouth. And that he feels like a robot controlling his own body.

After all that, I asked him if he likes me / feels anything about me. He paused for a while, and said I'm the only person he enjoys being in the same room with, rather than being actively irritated but hiding it. I… don't know what to think about that. Does it mean he likes me, or that he simply tolerates me? Or maybe he lied and secretly dislikes me too. I really, really hope it was the alcohol talking, but I can't stop thinking that this whole time he's been putting on an act. I'm not sure if this conversation made me know him better, or made me realize I don't know him at all.

He then drank some more and passed out. The next day, he seemed to act a bit awkward (maybe it's in my mind?). Like he was ashamed for last night. So far we're both pretending that nothing happened, but I can feel that there's now tension between us that wasn't there before. I don't know what I am to him. Someone he actually likes, or just another part of the simulation of a normal life he built around himself.

Anonymous 69141

Girl, are you stupid?
He literally confessed that he doesn't love you.

Also, he sounds like a drama queen lol. "Oh woe is me, I have to do things I don't like". What a tragedy. Most moids don't feel empathy in general, so he's not such a unique snowflake as he thinks.

Anonymous 69142

>bf told me he has Schizoid PD.
Was he professionally diagnosed? A lot of wannabe-edgy moids are self-diagnosing themselves with schiziod PD after it started to become a buzzword on the internet. A lot of his symptoms could also be linked to aspergers.

Anonymous 69144

Afaik yes. He used to go to therapy for cyclothymia, and that's where they diagnosed him. He told me about the cyclothymia before, but not about the schizoid.
Also, isn't the buzzword "schizo"? Like, a shorthand for schizophrenia. Doesn't seem to have much in common with schizoid as far as symptoms go.

Don't know about aspergers. It doesn't seem like he acts weird or finds difficulty in socializing, outwardly. People around him think it's normal because he behaves normal.
Maybe it's aspergers, I don't know. Are they related?

Anonymous 69147

keep us updated on what happens

Anonymous 69150

staying the fuck off from minichans and all those placess

Anonymous 69152

How did he admit that he doesn't love her? He basically said that he suffers when he's in the company of other people, the only exception being her because he likes being around her. Also, if he has actually been diagnosed he's not like other moids. This is an issue of him being a pathological loner, his brain is simply wired that way, much like the brain of a psycopath is wired to feel no empathy or remorse.

I'm not saying he's necessarily in the right about what he said, but I don't think he's in the wrong.

Anonymous 69153


His entire life is a lie, so there's good chance he lied to her as well.

God, is there anything more pathetic than a mentally ill moid trying to "be normal" lol
They should just accept their mental deformity and not burden others with their problems. If he's such a "loner', maybe he should stay alone in his basement instead of subjecting others to his bullshit mind games.
Women deserve better and shouldn't settle for the absolute dregs.

Anonymous 69154

>NoT LiKe ThE OtHeR MoIdS
Yes, just like women with SPD are not like other women. Instead of assuming the worst we should give her some advice.

I think you should try to have the same conversation with him while sober. Ask him to explain his feelings and his subjective experience to you. Also try to think about how he interacts with you and with others and see if there's any difference. For example, I guess that he's not very fond of physical contact, but maybe he enjoys it when you two hug each other. Or maybe you can have a conversation about something with him for hours but he wouldn't do that with someone else unless it was something strictly necessary.

Anonymous 69172

lol, the other anon was a bit harsh but she has a good point. look.
it's actually a huge thing with women being way more likely to give the benefit of the doubt, be more agreeable, etc. they are more likely to try overcompensating on the behalf of mentally ill men, than men do mentally ill women, basically. so in the moment it might come across as being fair, it oftentimes boils down to a woman projecting her own sense of morality and tolerance into other people–often policing other women to be the exact same way, even if it causes those women pain.

if that guy didn't have SPD…he'd look like a classic two-faced misanthrope/asshole. so, his mental illness to you apparently entitles him to someone compromising, one that will probably cause >>69140 pain and devalidation she'll never adapt to because he's nothing like her. of course someone who gives him dopamine (i.e., sex) is the only one he vaguely accepts, because he has difficulty with making actual genuine human connections. to him, she's probably just like a comfy nest, not a real partner.

the fact that you compared the way his brain is wired in a similar way to a psychopath doesn't look good either. just because something IS a problem doesn't entitle them to other people compromising. moreover, it looks bad because it makes it look like feeling ok around his gf is a blip rather than something more meaningful. he's definitely not learning how to open up to others.

I do agree about OP having a conversation with him though and seeing where it goes. She needs more information. Of course he shouldn't be berated. But all in all, it'd be one thing if he felt just bad around others–this is him being irritated with people and faking his entire life.

Anonymous 69173

has, not is* jfc

Anonymous 69174

so anyone got any advice on dating a guy that has kids? not in the, he takes them to mcdonalds whenever his ex wife lefts him see them sense, in a they live with him 90% of the time sort of way.

Anonymous 69181

update, I think we kind of made some progress and I had a conversation that I was way happier with even if it was very hard. ironically it was after we had a few good hours together but then something set him off and made him distrustful, which had him digging and digging. not fun. (also it was over a misunderstanding)

and I was able to waaaay better understand his emotions which he completely concealed initially for favor of making the issue an academic one, and likewise, him to me.

Anonymous 69190

ok nm anons, he ended up having another moment where he interrogated me out of nowhere the second I was vulnerable despite encouraging me to be vulnerable.

this is starting to get extremely miserable as it's happened every day now since we made up.
yesterday we made progress, but it's like this keeps on happening repeatedly where I will be ambiguous about something and he will force me to make it a one side or another thing.

Anonymous 69191


he ignored a solution I suggested and then an hour way said he was the only trying to find solutions.
when I asked him about was I proposed he pretended I never said it.
I felt insane.

I'm so exhausted.

Anonymous 69233

He probably didn't even hear you. Seems men always try to speakover women when they get mad.

Anonymous 69234

sounds like you both need some space from eachother

Anonymous 69243


Me and my ldr boyfriend have been going through some rough patches. We've both done some stupid stuff etc. etc. In september he wanted us to "go on a break" and we got back together like two weeks later.

Now I thought things were going ok. Not perfect but alright. However just now he tells me that his mom really dislikes me now (when before the break she used to always ask when I'm coming over etc.) and he hasn't told her we're back together again. It clicked a few things into place - like he asked me to stop sending him my monthly post card cause he didn't know how to explain them to his mom.

Anyways, it's an upsetting feeling. Not just that she dislikes me but that she doesn't even know we're back together. On one hand it's his choice who he tells about our relationship (I never talk to my parents about any of my boyfriends) and I shouldn't be questioning our relationship because of an outside force - lots of people have in laws they hate. On the other hand this feels like the straw to break the camels back. I was supposed to visit him next year but I already felt anxious about it and knowing I'd be in the house of someone who actively dislikes me is scary. I love him but this throws into question even more where I stand in his life.

"You used to tell your mom about me"
>"That's cause I used to really like you and talk about you all the time."
I'm sure he didn't mean that as a "I like you less now" but that's what it felt like.

Idk should I ignore the mom thing since it doesn't have a direct impact on me or should I see this as the final sign that it might be time for us to move on?

Anonymous 69258

Surely she only really knows what he says of you, and if he's speaking badly of his partner then there's no long term viability.
You're supposed to be a team, and neither of you should ever be dragging the others reputation down. It seems like he has either done it, or allowed it to be done.
Next time you're there, test the waters with the mother, if she is openly hostile and he doesn't defuse/defend then it's a lost cause.

Anonymous 69269

Never been in a relationship before, and don’t even really have a crush on anyone right now, but I’ve been thinking about a few things.

I hooked up with guy awhile ago, and I’ve never thought about him in a relationship context except recently.
Socially, we both get along pretty well, have good conversations and similar interests. We even have similar friends and lifestyles, and both went to college. We’re obviously attracted to each other too.
But our one main difference is our political beliefs, which are total opposites.

I’ve never had this issue before, and I’m wondering how important do people value certain political preferences within a relationship? I know it can cause arguments, but how big of a deal do people really consider it? Can it be overlooked?
I personally think that it would cause too many future issues, especially when my job also overlaps with certain political views.
I know it sounds like a silly question but since politics has been rather hot lately, it’s something that crossed my mind.

Anonymous 69271

I’m scared me and my bf won’t work out in the long run for a myriad of reasons. I love him and care about him. I don’t want to go into specifics in case he stumbled upon this thread. Just venting I guess ugh.

Anonymous 69372

Sorry for taking too long to reply. Both me and bf were busy (or were we? more later)

During the weekend he took me out to dinner to a pretty nice place. He seemed unusually cheerful. Before the conversation, knowing he has mood fluctuations, I would have chalked it up to his cyclothimia, but now I have this suspicion that he's intentionally trying to "make it up to me". I don't know if this suspicion is reasonable, or if I'm being judgmental and paranoid, and thinking the worst. Makes me feel like shit.

So, as I said, it's been a bit awkward between us. At first I thought it was all in my head, but now I'm sure he feels awkward too. He talks much less, and spends more time at work. I still haven't had a full conversation with him about the thing. I hope to sit down and talk to him this weekend. Maybe it will make our relationship better, maybe it will make it worse, but at least there will be closure. Sigh.

>I guess that he's not very fond of physical contact, but maybe he enjoys it when you two hug each other.
Regarding physical contact, I think you are right. At the beginning of our relationship, he'd mostly avoid contact, and would tense up if I were to initiate it. I'd do things like hug him from behind, and he'd freeze for a moment before reciprocating. Back then I chalked it up to nerves.
But I think eventually he got used to it, and we get physical quite often. He is still hesitant about initiating, so I do most of the heavy lifting there.
>Or maybe you can have a conversation about something with him for hours but he wouldn't do that with someone else unless it was something strictly necessary.
Yes, we do have quite long conversations about stuff. Especially art. We actually met each other in art class / courses. He was quite good at it, better than me. After a while we quit, and now draw together from time to time. I'm quite an art history buff, but he seems to only care about technical skills. We often nerd out about art stuff together.
I've never seen him engaged in conversation this much, with ONE exception. He has a friend whom I think he actually likes. And he's never even met him. Every Saturday, without fail, he gets up early in the morning, gets on his laptop, and has long conversations with said friend. Those conversations can sometimes be 8 hours long. He's told me that they've been penpals for like 8 years, met on a forum or some such. And a few years ago they started doing voicecalls. Said friend is from Australia, which explains why he gets up early. I thought it was kinda cute that he has such a close long distance friend. I asked him if he ever planned to meet up with him in person, and he said "not particularly". I asked why, and he said that he enjoyed online conversations rather than face to face stuff.
It makes me hopeful that he actually likes me enough to be physically around, compared to his decade long online friend. Then again, it could also be that he's pretending like with everyone else.
To be honest he's never tried to manipulate me or hurt me, at least as far as I've noticed. We've never even had an argument, he usually either concedes, or we have a calm conversation about our disagreements. I've never seen him lose his temper. I like that about him.
This could also be a good or a bad thing. Maybe he respects my desires and boundaries, or maybe he just doesn't care. I am so torn and confused.

Regarding sex, he actually has quite a low libido, which I find frustrating sometimes. Again, I am mostly the one initiating. Although he does awkwardly show sexual affection sometimes. Again, cute, but also concerning.

I think you gals are right, I really should have a serious conversation with him. At the very least to soothe my own anxieties. I really, really like him, but now that I've learned he had's a different, hidden personality all along,I just can't help but to have all these doubts and anxieties about our relationship.


Anonymous 69405

I'm 29 and have been dating men my whole life. Near the beginning of the pandemic I realized I am attracted to women. I have since been trying to get out and meet/date women.
Any advice for a blooming baby-gay? I'm kind of intimidated at being with women even though I know I have nothing to worry about.
Has anybody else been through this? Any advice?

Anonymous 69436

>it oftentimes boils down to a woman projecting her own sense of morality and tolerance into other people–often policing other women to be the exact same way
Doesn't this apply to almost everyone almost all the time?

>even if it causes those women pain

I'm aware that my advice might not be perfect, and at the end of the day it's still just advice, whoever is getting it can simply choose to ignore it or modify it in some way.

>his mental illness to you apparently entitles him to someone compromising

If someone has health issues, which includes mental health, they deserve to get help from the people closest to them. If they start to use others as a crutch without working on their issues then there's no need for others to compromise.

>he's nothing like her

>to him, she's probably just like a comfy nest, not a real partner
Maybe, or maybe not, we have no idea. These are just hypotheses.

>it looks bad because it makes it look like feeling ok around his gf is a blip rather than something more meaningful.

Huh? What do you mean?

>faking his entire life

I disagree, to him the character he interprets is probably just a small part of his life, a defensive measure he uses to make interacting with the great majority of people out there less annoying/miserable. If I remember correctly, this is common among people with SPD and among those in the spectrum as well.

>I've learned he had's a different, hidden personality all along
I have the feeling that it's not like that. Instead, I'd say that you (and probably also his online friend) already know him and his actual personality, the real him that sits beneath the surface personality he displays when he is in the presence of others. This surface personality is artificial and crafted, and as I mentioned before, is basically a defensive measure, like armour that he wears when he finds himself in a hostile environment.

You also have to consider that, from some of the things you have mentioned, he seems to have a very "intellectual" approach to things and this might include feelings as well. This is not necessarily bad, it might make you two less compatible than you thought, but it doesn't mean that his feelings for you are not real just because they are not purely visceral like with normal people.

When you have the conversation with him, I recommend you to focus on that moment when you asked him if he likes you and what he feels about you. Tell him to explain to you what his answer means and how it translates to everyday situations. Also, ask him about the times when you two have been apart from each other for a while, how not seeing you everyday made him feel.

Best of luck!

Anonymous 69438

it honestly depends on what the political differences are, personally i try to prioritize what i do have in common with someone or what i can tolerate over trying to change their mind, but i do have limits. for example, i might be able to tolerate someone more economically conservative on certain things, but i couldn't date a hardcore pro-life (as in they think it's wrong in all cases and should be illegal) or MAGA person. i can tolerate someone who has personal religious beliefs, as long as they don't try to take me to church with them. things like that. if his views are your own personal "deal breakers" i wouldn't go farther than fwb, but that's how i would approach if i knew someone like that

Anonymous 69444

I’ve never had an irl bf but I’ve had a couple online things that could have turned into more if I’d met up with them. The only problem is I’ve never met a guy who makes me feel like he’s lucky to have me or that I’m the one. And I just want to feel that so badly. Every single ‘relationship’ I had the guy made it pretty obvious he was settling for me and waiting until someone better came along. None of these guys I e-dated were particularly objectively good looking, interesting, funny or whatever, but I still developed strong feelings for each at the time (this was over the space of 8 years btw, yes I’ve pissed away 8 years on e-dating garbage but it’s the only way I feel I can get to know someone before trusting enough to date irl) Every guy I met criticized me or negged me in some way, some overtly and some subtly. Or they would compare me to x girl or x celebrity and just made me feel inferior and shitty, I honestly think a lot of the time it was on purpose or at least a careless thing on their part, although I’m sure they would deny it. I just really want a bf who makes me feel like I’m special and valuable but I’m starting to think men can’t truly love or respect a girl unless she is a highly sought after beautiful high status girl.

Anonymous 69459

Where did you meet these guys? On 4chan?

Anonymous 69460

honestly what she described just sounded like a normie male. it's extremely normal for them to now compare the girls they date to celebrities, models, pornstars, other girls they know, etc.

Anonymous 69462

Hi. I’m an ascended femcel and I feel like that’s very important to state because I was single 99% of my life and I feel like I could also be autistic (def socially inept, not socialized) because my mentality on relationships and being with people and around people is off.

So basically im 24 years old and in my first relationship even tho i suffer from social anxiety and have no friends. My boyfriend was a on/off friend of mine before dating so he knows im a loser and how i am and he accepts me but I want to know, wont he get tired of me? I don’t want to be friends with his friends. I don’t want want to make my own friends- all my friend experiences were bad. I don’t want to party. I don’t want to go to bars or clubs. I don’t want to drink or smoke weed and he knows all of this and he’s like ok.

But i feel like he’s saying ok because he is in the infatuation stage but once he gets out of that, he will resent me for not being the gf who goes to raves and bar hopping and random adventures. How could he not? He thinks im interesting but im nothing special, im probably interesting because years of near isolation aside from my family and school has made me think in unusual ways and form weird thoughts and bluntness because i lack a filter.

We do go out to do stuff even though it gives me anxiety every time but I can’t live from my bed (even tho i want to).

I’m sorry. This isn’t organized. I just don’t have any past relationship to compare to or friends to ask. Can i get some advice?

Anonymous 69463

>wont he get tired of me?
>he knows all of this and he’s like ok.
>He thinks im interesting but im nothing special
Don't be so harsh with yourself, he probably knows you quite well, so if he's with you he must really want to be with you. What kind of advice in particular are you interested in?

Anonymous 69465

Yup pretty much all guys neg you, it’s just a general male trait.

Anonymous 69466

Is your boyfriend a normie/partyfag himself?
No advice since I am basically you but without ever dating. Just clarification foe others since it's the difference between him expecting you to be like him or him expecting a MPDG.
Also curious myself.

Anonymous 69472

I honestly am a disaster of a person. I don’t see how any normal person would want to date me. I just don’t see what he gets out of it. Why not date someone who is more like him…?
I guess my question is if I’m overthinking this or right for thinking that he’s kind of strange for dating someone like me.

Yes, he’s a normie. He liked to say he was a loner when we started talking but then I saw how easily he made friends and how charming he was so… no. He doesn’t have an overwhelming amount of friends but he is fooling himself if he thinks he is “weird.”

Anonymous 69473

Oh sorry I forgot to say that he said he doesn’t expect me to go to parties and he tries to stick to day time/non stressful activities like aquarium, museum, art galleries, restaurant (still stressful to me but sigh), zoo, beach, board game place, random events around so he does try… I just KNOW he would want someone who doesn’t only tolerate pg13 locations :(

Anonymous 69474

How do you know that? First of all opposites attract and second of all try to remember that moids are very territorial and often even oppressive towards women. It is not unusual for a man to see women not going out to a party or going out drinking as a positive even if he does these things himself. I am friends with a guy who is a heavy drinker and is dating an asian girl who cannot drink much because of asian flush. He views this as a positive thing, which is kind of messed up, but I hope you get my point. Its also possible that he likes the idea of getting you to comeout of your shell.

Anonymous 69477

I knew who his ex was and she was a normal girl into similar stuff like him. I would have agreed to the first point you mentioned if not for that.

I don’t know. This stresses me out a lot… it’s unfortunate to be going through such elementary dating stuff in your mid 20s :(

I know I have to just accept that he likes me and sees stuff I don’t see in myself.

Anonymous 69498

>I just KNOW he would want someone who doesn’t only tolerate pg13 locations :(
Look, he's probably aware that no one is perfect, and he's more than likely OK with you not being his perfect girl. Is he your perfect guy? No? But you still love him and want to be with him and not someone else. I'm pretty sure there are many things about you that he likes and he's just fine with you as you are.

Anonymous 69509

>He liked to say he was a loner when we started talking but then I saw how easily he made friends
I knew a couple guys like this too, eyeroll. I tell them I had no irl friends and they said “me too.” Then a couple days later they tell me that they’re gonna be “hanging out with friends” that day. Made me lose respect.

Anonymous 69512

Maybe you shouldn't resent your partner because of your own insecurities of being a shut-in?
You should either just be comfortable with who your are, or at least try to become more social so you can have more in common with him. Love is a two way street right, or whatever they say.

Anonymous 69515

Yeah. I just have to accept this instead of dwell and create stress. Thank you.

LOL me too. My boyfriend (then friend) was like oh I don’t really have friends and I like to stay home so I can relate to you, but then I learned he has best friends, is very likable, female orbiters and loves going out to parties, raves, whatever…
Umm. I don’t think he was lying. I just think a normal person’s perception of being alone and not having many friends is different from mine…

Yeah I was comfortable with who I was when I wasn’t really interacting with him and normal people. I’ll never be normal but I just have to accept myself I guess since he accepts me. I try to go out places with him… that’s my “two way street” thing because I’m comfortable not leaving my house for days/weeks.

Anonymous 69565

Is it a good or a bad thing if my bf is too self-reliant?
I know it's generally a good quality to have, but…
We do spend a lot of time for fun and enjoyment, but when it comes to practical stuff and general life management, I feel excluded.
He never asks for help or advice or consults me about anything regarding problems or setbacks he's having. He'll mention that he's having such and such issues, but when I ask if I could help, he just says "Thanks, but I'll figure it out myself". He does solve the problem eventually, but I feel like it takes way more time and effort if he actually got me to help. Especially if it's something I'm good at or had experience with.

Right now I feel a bit… useless? Sure we have fun together, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything for him, or that I'm someone he can rely on. I prodded him a bit about it, and he said he's used to doing everything by himself, because he was a bit of a loner for a while.

Should I insist that he let me get involved, or leave him be?

Anonymous 69577

Has he ever actually had someone he could rely on before? From personal experience, most men are programmed to handle their problems alone and never require a partner, because that would make them weak and a burden.

Anonymous 69581

>because that would make them weak and a burden.
Honestly that's such a stupid fucking standard, and I feel like only undersocialized / insecure men have this mentality towards themselves and others. Underachieving and missing out on opportunities because their ego might get hurt.

Men are fucking retarded.

Anonymous 69601


I love my boyfriend a whole lot but he has really hurt me. He cheated on me a year ago and begged for forgiveness. He is 21 now and I still forgive him, but deep down I kinda don't trust him. When I set a boundary in the relationship he just sort of does it anyway and keeps it from me. Like another time he was secretly smoking cigarettes even though we both agreed to be non-smoking. It wasn't a huge deal to me at first when I found it, until I asked him why he was hiding it from me, and he replied "because you'd be upset". He goes against what we agree and hides it from me. So my trust in him is kind of cracked. Idk what to do. Run?

Other than that he is a total sweetheart and I have zero issues.

Anonymous 69602

bin him

Anonymous 69603

I'm sorry but the relationship is broken and you will break your entire life if you keep wrapping your life and body around his micropeen and his lies.

Without fail I've seen women in situations like yours slowly get fucked up and almost insane (to outsiders' perspective) in the way they keep on making more and more and more excuses for bad men. They get SO used to the gaslighting, manipulation, and lies that even if they're torn up about it, they start naturally finding ways of forgiving or accepting over and over again until they literally are incapable of feeling much else or walking out.

These women often become mothers who turn a blind eye to their husbands beating their own children.

Anonymous 69608

I've been in couple for a while now, recently had our 6 year anniversary, but the thing is I'm having a lot of sexuality problems since a few years. I don't really want sex anymore. I look at porn less and less and I like fucking, and I also like him, but I just never feel like having sex.
Sometimes I do, but it's usually after watching a bit of porn or playing with a toy so then I'm in a mood for actual dick.
He told me that maybe it's because I don't find him sexy anymore, and maybe? But I dunno, except for like the start of my relationships I found guys I was with sexy? Then after that, it's more important for me to be comfortable, so the sexyness factor is down. I still find him cute and hot but sexy I dunno, not really.
I like touching him or watching him play so I dunno, it's weird. I'm starting to wonder if it's depression because maybe I'm just depressed?, him, or that I'm becoming asexual.
Or maybe I just don't play with myself enough to know how I work. Which I feel like might be it since my turns on are really changing.
I've been looking into psychologist or sexologist (if those exist) in my area.

Anonymous 69610

imo it's not as clear cut as this.

a lot of guys have taken to telling their sob stories ASAP in relationships because it works to draw women in, among other things. I've seen men actually be a lot more forthright about what affects them, abet in extremely robotic ways, and oftentimes as a tool.
and also, lot of men actually want a partner as emotional support; they are much less likely to seek it out from people besides their partners, especially other men. moreover, they often get the most support from their partner. it's just that they don't admit that they do get support at all from women. it's something across the board I've seen men 100% refuse to admit women do for them.

it's a hidden reason why men go on and on about "needing" sex or women or that men go insane without it (yes, this isn't the rhetoric of secure, well-adjusted men)–because they're used to engaging with people in surface-level, often activity or status based ways with many more intimate conversations not showing real vulnerability. it's why a lot of men that get ill report that their male friends abandon them; it gets too awkward for them to put in that effort for a male friend that just brings them down.

in reality, a lot of men actually get the most humanized by their romantic partner, or even seek out a therapist in theirs.

Anonymous 69611

Men that young are essentially incapable of loving/respecting their partner. I'm not saying go after older dudes because they have their own set of issues (and if you are also 21 it's a huge red flag), but always keep this in mind when you are dating in your early 20s. You aren't a fully developed person until 25ish.

Anonymous 69612

Oh and I forgot: dump him and don't look back.

Anonymous 69613

I guess you're right. This relationship feels finite anyway. I feel terrible for admitting that though, because he has proven his love to me more times than the opposite.

Anonymous 69616

>I asked him why he was hiding it from me, and he replied "because you'd be upset"
If he has cheated on you and told you this you can't really trust him anymore. Why would you? If you stay with him you are potentially exposing yourself to more of the same.

Anonymous 69624

I made my ex bf promise not to smoke weed and in exchange he made me promise not to go clubbing with my friends. Anyway it was a stupid deal to begin with, because he had only ever smoked weed 1 time anyway and he did it socially ie his friend had some he smoked it because "why not".

After we broke up he admitted he broke his promise 1 time anyway and smoked weed with the same friend again. Meanwhile I turned down so many outings with friends because of this stupid deal I made…

The "context" of him breaking his promise was that they were with another guy and fhe 3 of them got drunk. Around 3am my ex and the 3rd friend just agree with eachother that they should have a fistfight outside a subway sub. These are 2 educated and well off white guys too :/ studying software and civil engineering respectively. They then beat the shit out of eachother and because they were closest to the 3rd guys appartment my ex slept over there literally the same night they had a fight and then the 3 of them smoked weed while they were all incredibly drunk.

Anonymous 69627

I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing at the fistfighting part

Anonymous 69630

>Around 3am my ex and the 3rd friend just agree with eachother that they should have a fistfight outside a subway sub.

Anonymous 69633

I'm 7 months pregnant and living with the father. We've been good friends for years, but we're not in a romantic relationship. At first his accommodating, laid back attitude and excited, gung ho approach to the baby was incredibly endearing, but 5 months of living with him has driven me absolutely nuts. I desperately want to smother him in his sleep and I'm not even dealing with the stress of an actual baby yet. When I have to wake up every couple of hours for feedings, and he starts up the sander at 5am to perfect the joint on a cabinet "just in case her little fingies get stuck", I'm going to bludgeon him to death and dump his corpse in the yard to fertilise his fucking baby-safe veggie patch.

Anonymous 69634

I don't know what's more comical here, not being in a formal relationship with the father of your children while you're cohabiting ffs, or the fact he's so gung-ho about it that's it's infuriating you. Is he messy or neurotic, or violent and hard to deal with that way or is only how positive he is that's causing you issues?

Anonymous 69635

Anonymous 69636

I've known him for a long time, and knew this would be an issue going in. He's a very socially distant, neurotic "doer". He's naturally quiet and withdrawn, and it takes a lot of energy for him to engage with others socially. He also has to be doing something big at all times, which means his house is always in a state of chaos. When I told him about the baby, it started with doing up a room for me, then making a nursery, building a giant textured moon with glow in the dark stars all over a wall, then painting and decorating it. Next it was baby-proofing, then completely remodelling the laundry and bathrooms. Thankfully landscaping the backyard to make a play area, baby-safe garden and chicken coop was all outside, because at every stage he turns the entire area into a construction site. While doing his next big project, all other domestic chores go ignored until around 8pm. If I try to clean up the worksite that is the rest of the house, so that I can maybe get up in the night without breaking my toe on a power tool left lying around, he becomes upset that I'm destroying the order in his carefully managed chaos. If I try to do the chores, he feels like he's failed at taking the stress off of me, draining him of all energy necessary to communicate or spend time with me.

I end up spending the day alone, on an active worksite, in filth, where the only bit of interaction with my housemate and the father of my child is him sitting down next to me for 45 minutes a night, cheerfully explaining what new babyproofing lock he bought or how the new handsfree door opener he's building is progressing. To top it all off, I can't cry with him knowing, or he becomes frantic to fix whatever is making me cry, like he's just seen a watermain spring a leak.

Anonymous 69637

>If I try to clean up the worksite that is the rest of the house, so that I can maybe get up in the night without breaking my toe on a power tool left lying around, he becomes upset that I'm destroying the order in his carefully managed chaos. If I try to do the chores, he feels like he's failed at taking the stress off of me, draining him of all energy necessary to communicate or spend time with me.
>To top it all off, I can't cry with him knowing, or he becomes frantic to fix whatever is making me cry, like he's just seen a watermain spring a leak.
Sounds like a problem I guess. The fact you're living with him and it's this… troubling tells me you probably don't have a robust "support network" do you?

Just as a question though, it sounds like you don't have any energy to confront him about all this, but where do you find the energy to be so exhausted all the time?

Anonymous 69638

He might have ADHD, or even worse, he has bipolar and is on his manic stage, and will crash hard after it ends.
My father was the same, he'd get excited about some dumb project, abandon it halfway through, and start a new project. Our apartment was a complete shithole all the time. It's why I didn't have any friends or bf until I went to uni, and eventually moved out in my mid 20s. I'm still socially maladjusted because of that.

Anonymous 69641

I'm forcing myself to go to various classes and hobby places. I feel out of place because it's mostly full of zoomers sent there by their helicopter parents, but at least I'm talking to people outside of work.
I've even learned not to blurt out awkward non-sequiturs the moment someone talks to me.

Having bad parents is a curse, it set me back in life by like 5 years.

Anonymous 69643

>Having bad parents is a curse, it set me back in life by like 5 years.
Certainly, glad you aren't letting what was their fault stop you from taking up your responsibility though.

Anonymous 69653

Ok, we've had a lengthy conversation. THE conversation.
I feel hesitant to even describe it because it was very personal and emotional.
Again, we were drunk, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing that we keep having suck imporant conversations only when we're drunk.

After I confronted him, he apologized for being insensitive and putting his opinion about me in such blunt terms. That's good that he knows it made me feel bad, I think.
Then, he just poured out at me.
He said he had a bad childhood and abusive father, and learned to suppress his emotions as a coping mechanism. He also said that his relatives, mainly uncles and aunts, are deeply religious, and whenever he tried to open up to them, they'd shut him down, because in their view, the "family patriarch" can do no wrong. So he just resigned to pretending.
He said he's been emotionally suppressing himself since he was a teenager, that he doesn't experience emotions much.
After that, he started rambling. First, that he feels insecure about opening up, and that he went to multiple therapists, and every time, when they got him to open himself up, he'd cancel his appointments, because he felt vulnerable and not comfortable from then on. Then, he said he doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like, because all his relationships have been calculated, romantic or otherwise.

At the end, he said something that really stuck with me. He said that he loves me to the extent that he is capable of, that he hopes that counts for something.
Then he passed out again.

This was all very overwhelming to me. I just want to put it all to rest, it's been emotionally taxing for me, and our relationship in general. I need some time to process all of this.

Anonymous 69654

I was told I could never have kids, and after becoming pregnant, it became paramount to avoid physical exertion and stress due to the risk of miscarriage. Moving in with him to look after me was actually his idea. My only support network is his family, so while it is massive, it's all from one side.

It's not that I don't have the energy to confront him, but rather that confronting him yields nothing. He's come leaps and bounds since I met him, but this is fundamentally who he is. Again, I knew this going in, so I guess I had a reserve of will to just push through, but it's run out near the finish line.

Thankfully it's not bipolar. It doesn't matter how long it takes, he'll set himself to a task and see it through; be it adjusting all the kitchen drawers to be perfectly level and spaced or studying some variant of cuneiform to literacy. He needs some tangible goal to achieve every single day.

Anonymous 69656

One cycloe of bioplar can last years.
Like, a biopolar person can be manic and hyperactive for several years, and then be depressed for another several years.

How long have you known him?

Anonymous 69661

A decade now.


General stress is of course important, but it's really avoiding physical exertion in my case. Having someone to get groceries, scrub pots and pans, do laundry ect.

I've known him for a long time, and that change to a more functional person has been a slow process. If i thought he could give those minute adjustments, I'd push for them, but that kind of change is measured in years for him.

Anonymous 69662

>General stress is of course important, but it's really avoiding physical exertion in my case. Having someone to get groceries, scrub pots and pans, do laundry ect.
Are you worried he'll leave you in that case?
>I've known him for a long time, and that change to a more functional person has been a slow process. If i thought he could give those minute adjustments, I'd push for them, but that kind of change is measured in years for him.
Can't tell if I'm talking to someone who is ESL or reading an elaborate wordplay. I am using "minute" as in "incredibly small amount" did you think I meant as in a minute?

Anonymous 69663

>Are you worried he'll leave you in that case?
Not at all. I could be the biggest prima donna in the world and he'd still keep me around.
>Can't tell if I'm talking to someone who is ESL or reading an elaborate wordplay
Completely unintentional wordplay there. Getting him to make the changes to put me at ease would take him years of slow adjustment.

Anonymous 69664

>Not at all. I could be the biggest prima donna in the world and he'd still keep me around.
Well good to know I guess.
>Completely unintentional wordplay there. Getting him to make the changes to put me at ease would take him years of slow adjustment.
You make "the changes" sound large. Are you saying it would take him years to fulfill a task as simple as "do not leave power tools in the hallway overnight"?

Anonymous 69667

idk, how does he react to a system being suggested? i.e., you won't touch something or do a chore unless it's in your way/impedes you from doing something.

Anonymous 69700

>I'm not sure if it's a good thing that we keep having suck imporant conversations only when we're drunk.
This is probably not the best idea, but if it's worked out for you…

So, he basically told you that he's been emotionally crippled due to different degrees of abuse and neglect by his relatives, mostly his father. He's tried to fix these issues before but he's too anxious about confronting them in front of others and therapy didn't really do anything for him because of this. He does admit to being emotionally crippled, which is important because he knows he has a problem, many people with mental issues are in denial about them or just not willing to get help. Lastly, he tells you that despite his crippled emotionality he tries to love you as much as he can. Of course this sounds very weird to normal people, but I guess one can't realistically expect more from him in his current damaged state.

Did I get all that right or do you think I'm missing or misinterpreting something? Now, how do you feel about this? Do you feel betrayed in a sense? Did it make you angry? Was the conversation like a revelation and now things just make sense to you? Did you feel sorry for him? You should probably try to "probe" his mood and how he feels about the situation now, this information might be quite useful in my opinion.

Anyway, I will suggest you to try therapy for couples, not because you in particular need it, but because it will probably help him to open up if you are there with him in front of the therapist. He did say that you are the only person he enjoys being in the same room with, without being irritated by your presence right? You should give it a try, maybe it's just what he needs to overcome his trauma and have a more healthy relationship with you and others.

Ask yourself this: do you want to see him get better? Do you want to help him get there? If you do help him, his chances of actually improving are probably much better. Let's imagine that he didn't have those problems, do you think you'd have a happy future together with him? It's OK if you need time to think about this and it's also OK if you think it's too much for you. I think that if you value his positive traits and you think he is a nice person and hasn't done the things he has done with ill will you should have another conversation with him telling him that you want to support and help him while he fixes his problems with professional help.

If he accepts and then later on he starts to not take it seriously and make no progress then you can consider an ultimatum. If he outright refuses any kind of help to being with you can give him an ultimatum too if you think it's for the best. But I think that if you play your cards right and show an understanding/supportive/caring/etc. attitude towards his traumatic experiences he'll agree to get therapy, especially if you give your words an encouraging spin about how potentially positive in the future can it be to fix his issues, for both of you.

Anonymous 69704


Does anyone have advice for someone moving in with a partner for the first time? We get along quite well but hes an extrovert and I'm an introvert.

Anonymous 69726

Are you supposed to tell men they're handsome? I feel like the answer is no. I suspect that they don't take it the way women do, but they do hear it and think "Hmmm, I can manipulate more easily with this face".

Anonymous 69744

>Are you supposed to tell men they're handsome?
I just say it every once in a while to my bf when I look at him and feel happy and in love and think to myself that he is handsome. He reacts by giggling and smiling and saying thank you.

>I suspect that they don't take it the way women do, but they do hear it and think "Hmmm, I can manipulate more easily with this face".

Probably if they're a piece of shit that believes in facemaxxing or pickupartistry or whatever.

Anonymous 69745

I tell my boyfriend he is hot and handsome and cute all the time. He seems annoyed with it sometimes.
I just can't help it, I'm a big simp for him.

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