/hb/ - Health & Beauty

Idk if i belong here. I never learnt to eat right. Parents never cooked, mom had an ED. I just ate cornflakes my whole childhood. I was always thin, but didn't care.

In my twenties i had so much stress, i lost a lot of weight. I felt miserable about my looks, because i got wrinkles and people started to comment on my weight. So looked up thinspo to get inspiration and doesn't feel like a freak. I kinda adepted an ana-mind or something.
I went to doctors and some just told me i was anorexic, even tho i told them, that i don't want to be thin.
When i look back, i just didn't eat anything, was so used to the feel of being hungry, that i didn't realize it. I even had the feeling that i don't deserve any food at all. (Still have the feeling)
At this time i met my bf and now we are living together, he helped me with eating.
I ate 2000kcal a day for a few month. And gained 15kg in 5month. I also do excercise because this flabby fat is just too gross.
Sometimes when i'm stressed out or just feel like shit i stop to eat at all. It's self harm for me. (Had cutting issues a few years back)

My face looks younger now, i get a lot of compliments, but now i just feel fat. Like an actually pig. Everything moves when i walk. My clothes are too tight now.
When i see skinny girls i just want to go back to thin.
Fyi: before: 40kg; after: 55kg (165cm)

>tl;dr was skinny because to dump to eat, then ate a lot and excercised, now fat and want to go back to thin

Sorry, for the blog, but i can't talk to anyone about that.

I don't think it counts as an eating disorder as such, but I really don't think I can control myself if I'm alone with sweets, chocolate or the like. I got a free packet of biscuits, and a few packets of Kit-Kats and Club bars from my mum the other week, and I gorged on them like I was being show at dawn. Just tore through them. I had to throw them out after a couple of days because I'd managed to eat two thirds of them in no time. If I do buy food like that I don't buy multi-packs, and I guess this is why. I actually freaked myself out with just how impulsive I was.

Maybe I need to move to Greenland, that way I can eat like a deranged person and burn it all off simply by shivering.

>>17671
Only mentioning this in case you aren't aware somehow, not because it's supposed to change how you feel or diminish anyone of a different body type.

Your height and weight are considered thin by almost all standards.

I know about MPA and tumblr but I distance myself from the communities. I know several members of the APAC community pretty well so I know they cracked down on the toxic pro ed shit. on MPA shit hasn't changed and it can be sad to read there.

My ED started when I was 15. I don't know and can't say what I have but I hate myself and who I am.

Not to get into much detail but I will say people have hurt me alot in the past. It still hurts.

I think I am getting ketone breath again and it's worrisome. I don't want anyone to notice. I'm eating more and working out but it's so easy to get caught up in working out a lot.

I go through phases, sometimes within even the same day, where I think I need to be thinner or gain weight. I've lost a lot in the past three years despite being a healthy weight before (but not fit, eating and treating my body like garbage) and now I am very very thin. I know my expectations are unrealistic – I will look in the mirror and see someone with pudge but later see a photo of myself and think I'm too skinny. I hate this mindset.

My ED is always amplified by relationships, sex, and women who I perceive to be better than me.

I stopped eating when i was 12. I refused to eat anything but a small portion of fish and salad sometimes. I hate/d myself for so long because i was literally born fat, have been fat for my entire childhood despite eating healthy and my own family called me fat ever since i was a child, they told me i was so fat i was just gonna blow up or that i would never have a boyfriend because i'm a whale and boys like pretty thin girls or how people would refer to me as "that one fat chick" forever.
I don't know how i survived for almost three years barely eating once a week, but slowly i dragged myself out of the dirt and now, years later, i'm far better, even though i've gained a lot and now i'm quite chubby, but i feel okay. Not good, i've long forgotten what it's like to truly feel good, but i'm just… okay. Not sad, not loathing myself most of the time, not cutting myself everytime i look on the mirror, not wanting to commit suicide everyday. It's the better i've been in years and now i'm just really glad i'm still alive despite everything i've tried to do to myself.
I still have those times when i just want to stop eating again, but somehow i can find some strenght within my own soul not to give in.
This whole ordeal still left me with some mental scars and asides from BDD, starving has become a way of self-harming when i'm feeling depressed.

I keep just wanting to fall back into it.

Sometimes I only eat one meal a day and other days I binge horribly.

Yesterday I had a whole pint of icecream (800 calories) Subway (400 cals) dinner (600)


I just want to lose weight but I never know if I should just eat small meals throughout the day or only one meal a day. I want to stay under 900 cals for sure but idk

>when did your ED first emerge?

Officially diagnosed with Anorexia in April this year but it was probably around this time last year when anorexic thoughts/behaviours started but I'd say it didn't grow into a full blown ED until February this year.

>was there anything in particular that triggered it?

Stress from an emotionally abusive relationship but the seedlings were already there whilst in that relationship. I'd say cosplaying was a HUGE factor though. I often looked at very thin cosplayers/j-fash people and that sort of triggered it as a lot of the time they are popular/sponsored etc.

>how has it affected you as an individual?

Absolutely zero concentration, chronic fatigue, mood swings, chest pains often.

>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?

My friends are very supportive and don't get on my case much about what I've eaten etc. My family do that more, it's annoying even though I know it's just because they care.

>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?

Not fully sure what this question is asking but if it's along the pro-ana route, no.

>have you ever attempted recovery?

Attempting recovery atm.

>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?

Browsed MPA in the past but never been that into the community.

This is kinda ranty and slightly triggering so i will spoiler but

does anyone else here get comments and stuff like 'oh i'm jealous of your x/y/z' and then just get frustrated because it's like how the fuck are you supposed to want to recover properly when strangers actively comment positively on your underweight body :^) like yeah thanks for that I'll keep restricting and just barely manage to maintain concentration levels to keep my job even though through most of the day i just want to sleep :^). I know they don't know about my issues and stuff but urgh honestly i just get so frustrated at society for basically putting shit like this in a positive light.

This happened literally like a week ago when I was wearing a cosplay that showed my stomach and when i walked in someone said that to me…

>>17679
to answer your spoiler question, yes so much god yes

honestly you sound like much like myself it's a bit scary. i wish we could talk and help each other.

>>17680
Sage because double post but I'm still thinking about this.

Also in a j-fash community and people will constantly comment on how thin you look/how great it is to have thin legs, be skinny, look waifish for said fashion, and I'm just like wow I look great! I get so many compliments about suiting the fashion and suiting girly clothes.

But I'm so underweight and I have fainted/gone to the hospital for skipping meals. I feel awful half the time and often have to rush to eat because I feel light-headed but if I look good, who cares? Ha ha.

>>17681
Japanese (and asians in general) have a much smaller, less dense bone structure than westerners. Some people have to understand this. They want to look "kawaii" and petite but if they dont have the bone structure for it they will just look like walking skeletons

>>17682
I find Japanese to have pretty average bone structure. I'm white, but often went to onsens when I lived in Japan, and most women have very average builds. Same for most Asians really. Their are some Asian women with rather naturally small bone structures, but I've noticed that countries with higher dairy consumption worldwide tend to have people with bigger seeming bone density.

>>17683
>>17682
I think maybe the Japanese advertising industry and beauty standards are different and focus on being thin moreso than curvy like in the West (has anyone noticed that in the past few years, Western women are just very large? Not even the overweight ones, I just mean big boned, thicker thighs, larger breasts? What's going on? Hormones?)

I've also been to Japan and noticed that Japanese girls more or less had an average body type as well. I remember someone on /cgl/ was trying to say eating disorders are killing off Japanese women, and while I'm not sure about that exactly, I do think that there is also a big pressure there to obtain a super slim form due to the models being very thin and more rectangular/banana shaped when the normal girl is, well, normal.

I agree with what >>17682 is saying in general though, and that we shouldn't strive to be something we genetically can't be.

>>17682
People don't seem to get that asians aren't necessarily skinny because they're a beacon of good health, an argument I see constantly used by neckbeards to vilify western girls who aren't so thin. If you compare white and asian girls at similar weight/height ranges, the white girls start looking like skin stretched over bones while the asian girls just look slim and small without bones poking out.

>>17684
Hey anon, it's me again, >>17683 san

I agree with what you are saying and your observations. I'm not sure about Western women being larger though since I live in California bay area (not many white people and white Americans are often shorter than our European counterparts), but I can see that being true. I think eating disorders are probably pretty common in Asian countries since it's a conformist part of the world, even though a lot of people like to say "Asian people are just blessed with superior metabolisms unlike the rest of you".

I've lived with sooo many Asians (including entire families) and seriously, if you gain weight everyone will point it out (laughing is optional, but not uncommon). It's a lot different than white families, where usually they wait until people are trying to help push you back to your home, the ocean, while you are lounging on the beach before telling you that "maybe it's time to go on a diet…" or latino families where they prefer a little more weight on the women (not fat, but just not skinny). There is more pressure to lose weight before it piles on…plus, in Asian countries there is better public transit (usually) and it's safer (usually) than Western countries. It's a lot easier to keep the weight off when you aren't driving everywhere and can go outside at night without getting attacked/raped/murdered. This is the reason Asian expats and immigrants tend to pack on the pounds if they aren't careful if they move somewhere like the U.S.

>>17685
>>17685
Even though I personally think most people worldwide are just "average bone size", I've noticed SOME Asian groups (i.e. Northern Chinese around Beijing area, not TOO North when they become ethnically Mongolian) do tend to have thinner bone structure. I personally attribute this to lack of dairy/calcium in their diets. Move a bit further North to Mongolia, and the people are much larger boned on average (and have a traditional diet that consists of a lot of meat and dairy). Then move South of Beijing to Canton area and people get shorter and bulkier (I'm pretty sure they get more calcium from vegetable sources or Northerns have some food item that leeches calcium since neither group eats much dairy traditionally).

>>The thing that bugs me though is…Where did the idea come from that Japanese are super slender?

Like…why are they considered the golden standard for the whole: "Asians are so naturally thin and slender" thing when they literally tend to have similar bone-size to white people and are "bigger boned" than a lot of neighboring Asians?

Japanese eat a lot of dairy on average and have average builds. Seriously, I just don't get this shit sometimes lol (pic related: even the more slender girl on the left has normal bone mass)

>>17684
>has anyone noticed that in the past few years, Western women are just very large?
>what's going on? Hormones?
Absolutely, but interestigly enough it's not just the West that's experiencing this. Couple of things, and one is definitely the increased exposure to hormones on a daily basis. Japan is actually a great control-group for this since it's been theorised that it's been the introduction of dairy to the Japanese diet that has resulted in taller average growth rates and the development of larger breasts in women, but also the increasing development of acne, gastrointestinal issues and gynecomastia in men (can't drink the fluid of an animal designed to turn an 80lb calf into a 1700lb heifer in a matter or months and not expect it to do weird things to the human physiology).

Dairies were only introduced within Japan following the end of the sakoku/closed-country (there was previously a ban on the consumption of animal products, specifically meat, in line with Buddhist edicts, but fish were considered a vegetable), but it wasn't until post-WWII following US occupation that the Japanese populace gained regular access to fresh, unpasteurised cow milk.
Obviously in the West we've been consuming dairy for approx. 7500 yrs so our bodies are more acclimatised to its consumption, but what we're now seeing happen within Japan may well be what happened to Western ancestors, albeit on a micro scale. Interesting to think what this bodes for the future of human diversity right?

Another reason is mass globalisation. Humanity has reached a stage in development where we're so interconnected that the average person in a single day has access to foods, drinks and spices that their ancestors wouldn't have had opportunity to come into contact with in their entire life. They say now that a single page of a newspaper contains more information than the average medieval peasant could expect to come to know in their lifetime, and similarly with food we're now coming into contact with enormously diversified quantities effortlessly every. single. day. Sugar for example was previously such a rare commodity that our bodies have evolved to go absolutely berserk and gobble it all up the second we come across it, and this is a behaviour we still see present today ("I bought a bag of doughnuts but then I couldn't stop eating them - I was like a woman possessed!").
The history of globalisation officially begins in 1492 with Colombus' accidental discovery of the Americas. H. Sapiens Sapiens is thought to be between 100,000 and 200,000 years old, but the history of our species is estimated at 6,000,000. So we've a genetic dietary imperative that's taken approx. 6 mil. years to refine - what happens when everything our bodies and minds have to come to know is suddenly flipped completely on its head in the span of a mere 525 years?

The third is, of course, the ever-increasing obesity crisis. I could go more into this but tbh I recommend everybody watch this 13 minute New York Time's Retro Report on the subject because it's fascinating and you'll learn a lot (link attached).

>I remember someone on /cgl/ was trying to say eating disorders are killing off Japanese women
Eating disorders are still very widely unpublicised within Japanese media (same with any mental health issue tbh), and whilst that isn't to say they don't exist, it could be argued that they're few and far recognised because diet culture has been ingrained in Japanese society for quite a while now and as a result restriction is a hell of a lot more normalised if not encouraged. It's certainly not killing off women in droves.

Some people might look at an average Japanese meal and think "wow that's way too little this person must be starving themselves" though. They forget that the slighter Japanese physiology dictates that most only require anywhere between 1500-2000kcals per day compared to the 2000-2500kcals (avg. height) recommended to the typically taller, stockier Westerner. It's totally true that the average Japanese calorific intake is going down when it should be going up, and that rates of ED's are on the rise.

Sorry for the nerd-out. East Asian Studies w/ modules in history and globalisation was my meme… I mean major*.

>>17687
What I want to know is how it's normal for them to be at a healthy weight at 39kg when that's far, far below most of their healthy BMI range. I follow some Japanese dieters on Instagram/am friends with some former Jpn exchange students and quite a few of them are as tall as me but their GW is staggeringly low.
For reference, I'm 163cm tall and weigh 57kg. My GW is 50kg, mostly to get rid of my chunky thighs and belly fat. The girl on the right has my goal body, which I consider normal and healthy, for me. However, lots of Japanese girls in both magazines and Instagram who are just as tall want to get down to 39-45kg, which is really low! The usual response when I ask is 'oh, we're just small-boned'. The girl on the right has the same body shape as me (except I'm obviously doughier at my CW), I wouldn't call myself small-boned, just kinda shortish. I realise most of them are considerably shorter and I have seen some with the same/similar goal weight as mine but everyone tells me going that low is excessive, unhealthy and dangerous. Then again, even when I do diet my TDEE is just above 1200kcal, the minimum calorie requirement for a woman (of what height?), and if I want to reduce everyone tells me I'm going to starve myself. It brings me back to my childhood when my parents would always expect me to eat the same amount as my brother so I could 'grow up and get big boobs'.

I'm just really stumped and frustrated.
>>17686
All my friends from Japan diet like mad. Nobody tells them shit though, they just want to look pretty in clothes. It reminds me of that meme that 'Asians don't sweat'. Yes they do lol, they just use ten different kinds of deodorant all over their body, there's entire articles about 'smell harassment' in the workplace.

>>17680
Hey it's >>17679
I'd actually like to talk to someone about this, anon. It irritates the living hell out of me. You only have to go onto the stores of most j-fash places and you find the models they use look underweight. The legs on socks and stockings always stand out to me.
It just hurts that they actively sell stuff using this imagery because there are so many young girls out there into j-fash who see this. It's like, they blasted the mainstream media for underweight models, it's just the same thing but with a more niche subculture.

I don't really buy the whole 'Asians are skinnier' argument either. If anything I'd say Japanese tend to have a little chub due to their diets. They have smaller body-builds sure, but on level of actual body mass, no.

>>17689
"Asians don't sweat" isn't a meme lol. It's actual scientific findings with exact percentages of which demographics don't produce body odor.

"The ABCC11 gene is known to determine axillary body odor and the type of earwax. The loss of a functional ABCC11 gene is caused by a 538G>A single-nucleotide polymorphism, resulting in a loss of body odor in people who are specifically homozygous for it. Firstly, it affects apocrine sweat glands by reducing secretion of odorous molecules and its precursors. The lack of ABCC11 function results in a decrease of the odorant compounds 3M2H, HMHA, and 3M3SH via a strongly reduced secretion of the precursor amino-acid conjugates 3M2H–Gln, HMHA–Gln, and Cys–Gly–(S) 3M3SH; and a decrease of the odoriferous steroids androstenone and androstenol, possibly due to the reduced levels and secretion of DHEAS and DHEA (possibly bacterial substrates for odoriferous steroids). Secondly, it is also associated with a strongly reduced/atrophic size of apocrine sweat glands and a decreased protein (such as ASOB2) concentration in axillary sweat. The non-functional ABCC11 allele is predominant among East Asians (80–95%), but very low in other ancestral groups (0–3%). Most of the world's population have the gene that codes for the wet-type earwax and normal body odor; however, East Asians are genetically predisposed for the allele associated with the dry-type earwax and a reduction in body odor.East Asians (Chinese, Koreans, and Japanese) have fewer apocrine sweat glands compared to people of other descent, making East Asians less prone to body odor. The reduction in body odor and sweating may be due to adaptation to colder climates by their ancient Northeast Asian ancestors."

>>17691
"reduced sweating" isn't "not sweating at all"… I've been there, rode on commuter trains, some of them are smelly too.

>>17691
>>17692
Korean here. Koreans don't have apocrine glands under their arms so they don't release the smelly sweat from their pits, but they do have them elsewhere like in the pubic region. And if asians didn't sweat they'd be unable to survive for long. So they sweat normally, the kind that reduces body temp, but not the "smelly sweat" to some degree they have less of that.

>>17691
>>17693
Y'all are TRIPPING. Maybe not everybody has underarm BO (and not that strong either- in some cases) but Ive been all over Asia for the last few years and there is underarm BO EVERYWHERE and it aint coming from me! : puts on more deodorant:

I had a japanese friend who had a kid with a chinese man, the little dude was 7 but already had STRONG underarm BO. I even smelled it on her once.

The number of times Ive gone into a cab and my eyes have watered from the smell omg I'm getting chills just thinking about it.


saging for not being about weight

>>17690
You can talk to me on my throwaway email if you want and we can exchange discords or some other form of contact info? sadandskinny @ waifu.club

I'm going through a weird brain fog right now, please excuse if this is more of a blogpost than anything.

When I see the j-fash models, I don't even really them as underweight, but rather just skinny with nice legs and stomachs. They don't look -terribly- thin to me, but who knows if this is ED thinking. Whereas when I see someone with literal sticks for legs, like Eugenia or some lolcows, it looks disgusting and obviously unhealthy. For me, I can tell the difference, but it's almost as if someone with a more normal weight can't and they just lump everyone underweight together.

For mainstream culture, you don't see skelly-tier underweight-looking models unless you're in high fashion. (I'm not trying to say you can't have an eating disorder if you don't look like that, though.) Even catalog stuff is looking different in terms of weight. People are quick to call a thin model "anorexic" but really she's just fit/not fat. The Brandy Melville models get called anorexic a lot and they look fine to me. They're just not particularly curvy. (Pic related, spoilered it for good measure.)

>>17695
I don't have an eating disorder, and i feel the same way anon. I wouldn't worry about seeing models as normal weight.

>>17695
J-fashion models and K-pop girls are the worst for me. I've met a korean girl group irl at a fan meet and besides the inches of makeup that was piled onto their faces, they were ungodly skinny. Bones protruding everywhere. It made their heads look way too big for their bodies, like real life bratz dolls. It kind of scarred me. But I still watch all the girl groups on music shows and it's so easy to envy their weight through the camera.

>>17695

Hey, I'll shoot you an email later.

I understand that way of thinking too, I think maybe I'm becoming very critical at the moment because I'm heading into the point in my therapy where we are examining ways of thinking and why. I'm planning on collecting some images as examples for my therapist to look at with me so I might post some here just to explain my point.
But I find skelly-tier people disgusting too. I would never like to get to that point and often cringe when I see images like that.

I think in general though with j-fash you get a lot of unrealistic body-standards not just because of pre-existing ideas about thin looking good, but also the whole trying to look like an IRL anime character being part of it too.
I feel like it was started primarily in the west by Beckii Cruel who was always at a healthy weight for her height and build, and just basically won the genetic lottery for looking like an animu girl in her teen years. But the knock on effect has caused a sort of standard for jfash models from the west getting popular who might not have been naturally as tall and skinny as Beckii. It's not 100% if she had or has an ED or not, but Anzujammu springs to mind as an example of this. Lots of pictures of her from before she got popular where she was slightly chubby in her teen years, and when she got popular she often looked very thin in her pictures.
To me, even though it's easy to dismiss her chub at puppy-fat, I'd still say for how much weight she had as a teen vs what she has looked like in some pictures as of recent as an adult- I'd say she is or has been underweight.

And it's this sort of idk…culture? That sort of boils beneath the surface of a lot of websites and stuff. Many of the western girls who have got sponsorships from places I would say many of them are underweight or have an ED. Which is what I find so distasteful. It's sort of enabling their EDs in a way.

Just my thoughts anyway, people are free to disagree.

>>17695
anon, i guess what i find troubling about that pic as a normie is the girl on the left's lack of even slight muscle definition in the arms. It's almost concave as well as very thin. So it suggests that she doesn't work out but is also somehow maintaining low bodyfat. Of course this could be natural and I don't want to make anyone feel bad for looking like that but that's why it's not a healthy or fit look to me and might make people assume ana.

>when did your ED first emerge?
Restricting started at 11. B/P started at 17. I'm 23 now.
>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
Genetic mental illness + bullying + being a fat kid.
>how has it affected you as an individual?
Oh god. It comes in waves anymore. I was okay for a while, maintaining my weight, and then I gained 50 pounds in a year and I feel like garbage and I'm getting self destructive again.
>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
My boyfriend knows but I don't think he realizes the extent of it.
>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
I'm doing that now, oops.
>have you ever attempted recovery?
Not formally.
>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
Tumblr, LJ, and Xanga.

>when did your ED first emerge?

I guess when I was around 15. I comfort ate because I was being bullied and I was really lonely. I had nobody to ask for help and nothing else to occupy myself with.


>was there anything in particular that triggered it?

I was being bullied by both other students and teachers. Had some pretty nasty people in my family who emotionally manipulated me and made me feel like shit, I was being controlled pretty heavily in all areas of my life. I had no escape.


Also my mother put a big focus on weight. She had a problem herself and she passed it down to me, despite how much I told myself I'd never let it happen. As a kid, when I was thin, she'd sexualise me. Then as I got older and more overweight, she'd openly tell me I look like shit, pinch my fat, tell me to wear different clothing because I "look pregnant". She put me on very restrictive diets before I was even an adult. It got me into the habit of starving and binging. I see myself slowly turning into her and I hate it. I can't shake any of her comments off.


>how has it affected you as an individual?

It's affected literally every aspect of my life. All my romantic relationships, all my friendships, my studies, my jobs, how I see myself, how I spend my spare time… I can't go shopping for clothes because I can't bear to see myself in a mirror, I can't talk to new people because I feel like they only feel disgust towards me, every waking moment I'm thinking about dieting or food or sucking in my stomach or what to wear next or pulling up the waistband of my jeans over my stomach, it's the first thing I think about when I walk into a job interview (wow they must think I'm so ugly, I've lost the job opportunity already!), I never want to go out with friends, I'm conscious of people seeing me eat and thinking I'm a pig so I don't eat in front of others or go out to dinner with anyone. It's just completely ruined my life. I can't imagine not thinking about dieting or food or my appearance 24/7.


>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?

Not much of a reaction. It's more acceptable to have an addiction to food than it is to be anorexic/bulemic. My family openly tell me that I look awful on a regular basis (they're all fatties too btw, worse than me). My mom regularly forces me to go on restrictive diets (milkshake diet! all you drink are milkshakes!, meal replacements, no carbs, no sugar…including fruit, packet soups that taste like vomit). Don't think my friends would care, don't really have any.


>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?

I regularly go on restrictive diets. I have folders on my computer of gross photos of me and I look at them regularly to remind myself how much I hate my body, all my favourite celebrities who are taller than me and only weigh 100lbs, clothes I can't wear (cute skirts, thigh high socks, thin shirts, bikinis, cosplay), cute fashion coords that I can't wear (goth, boho, lolita, vintage clothing etc.). I also have pictures to shock me like infographics about how being overweight will kill me eventually.


>have you ever attempted recovery?
I stopped using MPA and MFP, tried eating "normally" for a while. Just went back to the same thing almost immediately, just without my previous support systems, because I couldn't get rid of my mom. I went to a few therapists but there's nothing they can do. I wish I could turn my life around, I really do. I'd do anything.

>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?

Was obsessed with MPA and MyFitnessPal for my entire time at college. I didn't browse any other social media. During the week I'd eat only rice cakes and drink 3l of water a day and at the weekend I'd binge like crazy because starving myself didn't work and I'd overeat as a kind of weird punishment. Went back to college every Monday saying to myself that it was a "new start".

Hey Miners, It's the anon from before that was complaining about j-fash websites using unhealthy imagery to sell products.
I found something today that I think illustrates my point perfectly.
Spoilered as I don't wish to be banned for posting ana pics, but put it this way- I found this on Uniqso under the socks section.

>>17702
>>17703
there are also a bunch of pictures like this on ebay. it's shitty photoshop (obv) but my favourite is when i'm looking for some shoes and the woman's got huge ass feet in comparison to her 1 cm width ankles.

>when did your ED first emerge?
last year
>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
not really, just being ugly
>how has it affected you as an individual?
I'm a lot more disciplined now, and careful with how I spend my time and money
>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
they all know I have some sort of eating problem, but they don't know that I am actively restricting
>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
in myself, yes
>have you ever attempted recovery?
no, and I probably never will
>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
I visit MPA and the thinspo tag. I had a personal blog for a while that had some writing on it that was popular in the tumblr communities, but I've since deleted it

I'm going to get a therapist at the end of this year/start of the next one to get properly diagnosed. So sorry if this doesn't really fit into the thread.

>when did your ED first emerge?
I think around fifth grade or so

>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
I was bullied a shit ton at school and my mother used me as a punching bag for her emotions so she emotionally abused me almost daily for years. She is chubby, apple shaped and I swore myself to never become like her, not physically or mentally. I started to starve myself as a punishment for not fitting in with other people and as a fear of becoming as fat as her.

>how has it affected you as an individual?
At first I was proud because everyone was praising me for never eating junk and how thin I was, but mentally it really fucked me up. I couldn't keep up in school with things, I was constantly exhausted, cold and I just didn't function properly.

>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
No one cared tbh. My mother was proud because I was so thin. She didn't understand I was extremely underweight and could end up in the hospital or dead if I lost a bit more, she only cared about showing me around and bragging.
The only person that really cared and forced me to eat was my bf. He didn't and doesn't understand it, but he tries his best to support me.

>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
Yup. A lot. It was a sort of slow suicide. So when I felt extra shitty that day, I just didn't eat.

>have you ever attempted recovery?
Yes. I've been at it for years. Currently at the lower end of a healthy weight and into fitness but idk if my focus didn't just shift from "no food" to "only healthy food". The whole thing is still a struggle.

>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
No, but I'm still drawn to pro ana and thinspo, despite knowing it's not healthy and almost raging when I see ana chans and some of their retarded diet plans and exercise routines that I know won't work.

The whole "ED" thing (I'm not diagnosed so I can't say I do have an ED) sort of gave a sense of "superiority" tbh. Like I see all these people starving themselves and a part of me is like "no bitch that's not how you do it!! I was skinnier than you so I know how that works shut up!!". Whenever I see a girl whose GW is higher than mine is I subconsciously go "eh, I was skinnier than her" or in case of thinspo "I was smaller than this".

As someone who is trying to lead a normal life, these thoughts sure are messing with me. Especially when I go out and see obviously unhealthy girls and I compare myself to them and start feeling fat because I'm not a spoop anymore and instead muscular.

I recently developed anorexia after enduring chemotherapy. I've always been off-and-on with binge eating disorder. I lost thirty pounds from the treatment and hit my weight ideal of 110. I worry about overeating and gaining it all back and seeing myself as a body-dysmorphic lump again. I usually always saw my body and was like "I'm this fat? This cant be right…"
I'm hopeful enough that its in the earlier stages and if I can get into exercise I wont obsess so much about portion control. Although, the chemo triggered arthritis in my hip joints… I just wanna pull out before its too late and I'm trapped. But I just look so good in clothes now. Eating is such an uncomfortable chore.

Can someone give me an honest answer? I have been avoiding getting an annual check up at the doctor because of my anorexia and weight, among other issues relating to that. I am afraid I will be committed against my will. I am a legal adult in my 20s.

Can doctors do that? I feel really ignorant.

[spoiler]I am not against getting treatment, but I do not want to be forcibly taken anywhere because of my job and other responsibilities.[/spoilers]

>>17708
Fucked up the tag but oh well.

>>17708 your health is more important than your job but I'm pretty sure unless you're dying they can't do anything against your will. Go for the check up.

>>17710
I don't believe my health is more important than my job, because if anything is wrong, it costs money, and I need a job to make money.

I will go for the check up, though, thank you.

>>17711
You can always make more money, but once damaged you'll never be able to return your health to what it was.

>c/s a bunch of junk
>skipping the gym
>binge eating
>rinse and repeat

Send help. I feel like I am too old to be doing this to myself, but at the same time I'm still out of control. God.

When I was going through a rough patch in my life and had just moved out of my parents house I would go for days without eating because I just didn't have the will to cook and I couldn't be bothered learning how to cook, then I would binge eat on junk food and vomit afterwards. I still have eating disordered thoughts at times, mostly feeling like I don't deserve food but my boyfriend helped me get over my ED (and I love cooking now!).

Also - I don't know if this counts as an eating disorder but I've noticed that whenever I go in depressive episodes I can't eat normally, I have to eat the same thing over and over otherwise I don't eat at all. It's like the texture of new foods puts me off or something like that.

>>17714
Hmm isn't that a comfort food?

I don't know if I belong here because it's not like i'm harming myself that much, but I have (the name changes a lot) selective intake eating disorder I think. I don't eat practically any fruit because it terrifies me for some odd reason (it reminds me of rotting flesh) and I only like chicken, pork, fish, some vegetables, and junk food. I'm very selective about appearance and texture of the food I eat. I have tried eating fruit, but my throat acts like I'm choking when I try to eat them. I haven't eaten fruit since I was…what, 7? I take vitamins to make up for it, but I doubt it does in reality because I'm always tired and have always been sickly.

I can't starve anymore and idk why. I bought some cocaine because being at this weight (I'm about the heaviest I've been in my life) is depressing me so much I never have the energy to do anything.
I can't shower because I can't stand touching my body, I can't dress well because my clothes don't fit, I can't do anything productive because being ugly, disgusting, sweaty and fat makes me permanently uncomfortable, I end up spending my days in my pajamas eating crap and getting fatter.

Cocaine helped me last time, I'm hoping it'll get me off my ass this time too. Please no "beware of drugs!" advice please, I know what I'm doing

>>17715
I'm the same but I like most fruit. I'm like that with vegetables though, but for some odd reason i really like meat, eggs, and cheese. It makes no logical sense because logically speaking vegetables are a lot less disgusting than meat but the taste and texture of meat is so… non offensive, if that makes any sense?

I recently moved to Japan and wew I can feel myself slipping into old habits again. On one hand, binge food is cheap, on the other hand, I have definitely been losing weight since coming here. I agree with anons upthread where there's definitely a different cultural attitude to weight loss than in the west. It does make me feel a bit of sickly pride that I'm most likely the thinnest white international student here even upon arrival.

Please remember that Rule #1 also includes things centering around procuring and distributing illegal substances, so please don't discuss ways to get hooked up.

>when did your ED first emerge?
12
>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
My mother advices me to eat less than 100 cals
>how has it affected you as an individual?
I can't see myself in a mirror
>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
Boyfriend supports it he's an ex anorexic after all
>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
Thinspo mostly
>have you ever attempted recovery?
I don't think I ever will I'll die skinny
>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
Mpa
Tumblr
What's lj?

>>17719
LiveJournal, you must be young.

Anyone have a really really hard time losing weight after having an eating disorder for a long time? People keep saying you can't "permanently destroy your metabolism" but it almost seems like it's happened to me.

I haven't eaten more than 400 calories in over a week (even fasted on one day) and haven't gone over 1000 in over a month, at a 22 BMI (maintenance intake is estimated at around 2300 cal). Aside from 1.5 lb water weight I haven't lost anything.

I'd understand a slower metabolism from "starvation mode", but this is ridiculous. I feel like those obese people who swear to god they don't eat and they're still massive and gaining. Is this normal, is there any way around it?

I have a doctors appointment but it's only in January because apparently christmas time is the perfect time to pay the doctor a visit.

I've been binge eating this week. Again.
Binge>purge>binge>purge

I wish I'd have a normal relationship with food. Is that even possible after 20+ years of EDNOS?

>>17721
damaged metabolism?

>>17723
Nta but I thought that was a maymay

So… I wanted a buddy for the year. I got some responses but they were all from minors so I turned them down. The only person who responded and old enough imo is a gay male which is not what I expected but fine. I realize going back to my cycle of destruction is not what I wanted but will have to do for now, I can't think of anything but losing weight and there's no way I can get into recovery at this point. I'm so fat they'd laugh at me hahaha..

I was always thin as a kid because I was one of a set of premature twins. I never had any health problems aside from being tired but I always binged on juni afterwards and stayed at that weight.
Things only git bad on the break before I would go into university for the first time where I just told myself that I wanted to lose 2kg and then it spiraled out of control like we all did.
I used to do this insane walking for half a day on only a scone and started believing all of these insane rules like never eat past 6pm, only eat a card stack amount of cheese/meat.
People who have been thin their whole lives truly have no concept of what "fat" or even normal is.
Because they don't know how healthy low end weight looks, they become scared if they gain weight " I'll look normal now."
It ws truly hell and I went from 47kg to 40kg. At that time I started slurring my words and even when I went out men would hit on me as I wore blaggy clothes. I consider myself recovered now because I was anorexic for half a year but it was so intense, the effect was stronger. I am 56kg now which is healthy for my height but as a trade off, I am constantly always hungry. It has been two years and this has never gone away despite being weight restored and no more crazy exercise and very nutritious food. Not to mention that my teeth have gone bad. Even though I brush they're still yellow and keep on breaking. Because of this I never touch chocolate and only go for chips instead. Final nail in the coffin is that I am going deaf again. When I was at my lowest weight I could understand people were talking but couldn't hear them. I wonder why this happens even though I am healthy in all other aspects. It hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I'd love to turn back time but things just keep happening and I cannot go back. All I do nowadays is keep to myself and try to study and exist in some fashion but I cannot stoo wishing what would could have been had I never had an ED.

I was never diagnosed but my eating was really bad as a teen; i didn't it more than 400 cal for months although i was never overweight to begin with. A lot of people were concerned about me being so skinny, but my parents sadly never… I think that especially my mother would prefer me looking like i did at that time.

When i was 15 i gained the weight back and some more. This lead to me being even less confident (for example i was the only girl not going to prom because i felt that every boy must feel disgusted by having to touch my 'fat' waist; not that i would ever wear a dress anyways).
Afterwards i tried about every single diet on this planet including laxatives to lose the weight again but nothing worked and for some reason i (luckily) couldn’t go on my old starvation diet again.

Hating myself so much and other factors as well lead to me feeling depressed and anxious over the last years and since I still feel like I somehow ‘missed out’ on food during my teenage years I’m eating crazy amounts of junk food every day, so now I’m overweight for real…

My body was so perfect before so why did I have to ruin my entire youth by starving myself?!
My mom suggested that I should lose weight ‘healthily’ to feel more confident again, but I simply don’t know how to eat like a normal person…

Ive had an ED since my early teens and I am always losing tons of weight and gaining them back. I'm 74kg right now and I'm a midget. I feel like I'll fall back into my old destructive habits because of how utterly disgusting I feel. It's like there's no middle in my life when it comes to food and eating. I want to get professional help and I don't have the money and I'm sure I'd quit shortly without emotional support because I pretty much don't have any. I feel hopeless.

>>17728
Samefagging to add I desperately need help and someone who'd take me to therapy or whatever. I only have one person who could help me but this person lives way too far. I feel like a coward drama whore but I really need to vent about this. There's no way I can do this by myself at this point. I'd rather kill myself than going back to where I was before. I really don't know what to do.

>>17729
Maybe the person could support you via text instead of coming in person?

I'm also in a similar situation (need therapy but have no one) and I know it's super scary and hard to do, but still better than being as miserable as you are now

>>17730
I'm sorry you're in the same boat, anon. This person does help me via text but I think I need someone to go with me there or I'll just run away or avoid going. I know it's crazy.

So miners please give me your honest opinion

I've never had an ED formally diagnosed but I've had an unhealthy relationship with food since my early teens, with periods of time where I'd starve myself and others where stuffed my face all day with all sorts of things.

I've been on 1200kcal/day for a while with no major problems but lately I'm only able to eat less and less each day, struggling to get to 1k. Eating feels like a chore and as soon as I start hitting the 900s I start feeling awful and can't force myself to touch more food. I've tried buying stuff that I know I like (eg. ice cream) but I end up eating all of it and nothing else for the rest of the day. This is different from the other times I've tried very restrictive diets because I always struggled with hunger and looked forward to cheat days and now eating certain things gives me literal pain. Should I try to stop this trend somehow? Or is this just what is supposed to happen?

>>17732
Unlike other mental issues most cases of ED are correctly self diagnosed, so if you've had a long ass unhealthy relationship with food you can probably correctly self diagnose. You probably have EDNOS which tons of women have and don't even know.
And you basically described what I do and others seem to do too itt. I don't know how to stop it. If I buy any kind of junk, I'll eat it on the same day. Even if I buy a huge package with individual portions…it'll be gone soon because I can't eat anything with moderation, and then many times I'll purge even though I know that's damaging, but I can't stop. I ate 1k/day for most of 2017 feeling like it was a chore and I'm still physically healthy - for now at least - because of my height, I guess. But of course my head isn't. Dunno how to have a healthy relationship with food though.
Sorry this wasn't advice. It was mostly a rant. But still, wishing you good luck and maybe Google EDNOS to see if any good helpful tips will pop up.

Yesterday I bought chips, candy and other junk and quickly came hope to binge on it without my SO other knowing. After I was done eating I discarded the plastic bags and packagings somewhere else because I didn't want anyone to know I was binge eating. And today I'll end up restricting for several hours if not the whole day though honestly I do feel too sick to eat.

Not sure if this where to ask, but I'm hoping for some advice.

I had relapsed back into anorexia last year, but I'm trying to recover, except that I keep getting really bad dizzy spells lately. They're bad enough that if I don't sit down I fall over, it feels like being on an amusement park ride that whips you over upside-down. I've been eating better since just before Christmas, but the dizzy spells happen at least once a day, often more.

I'm not sure what could be causing them, I tried looking for pro-ana sites for advice about electrolyte imbalance but I really have no idea what I'm looking for, and I'm hoping someone might have some advice?

>>17735
Have you tried going to a doctor?
People who have been through anorexia sometimes tend to have a much higher rate of low blood pressure, I think. ESPECIALLY when you are recovering.
I have heard that people who have gone through anorexia have a higher change of having diabetes, so your blood sugar can drop fast. This doesn't always happen but it's a factor to consider.
When I started eating again, I felt so exhausted like my body was hit with a freight train and had to basically lie on the couch for a year only eating.
Even a gentle night out to the gallery had me basically collapse out of tiredness.
I think getting major dizzy spells sounds really dangerous and I'd look into it.People who are anorexic can also have re-feeding syndrome occur.
After going a long time of starving, eating too much food instead of slowly building up can kind of kill you.
But because you haven't talked about feeling near death or very sick while eating again, I can assume hopefully you aren't in danger of that. So, in some cases, some people recovering NEED to have their eating supervised by a doctor in hospital or the results could be fatal fast.
So, just as a summary, it could possible be…
1.)Low blood pressure
2.)Diabetes
3.)Something similar to refeeding syndrome

I think it's important to list and suggest these possible answers to your doctor next time you make an appointment. Good luck!

I don’t think I have an eating disorder but I tend to be very weight conscious (sorry for posting in this thread if that’s not appropriate). Generally, I don’t have obsessive thoughts about weight unless I’m above a certain level. I pay really close attention to my diet, I became vegetarian a while ago and I cut a few other things out like processed sugar, I never starve myself because I have a history of fainting. I live in Canada and people here tend to be chubbier on average, so being skinny makes me feel superior (though that isn’t even the current trend). I understand my way of thinking is super shitty, I’m trying to shift to a more neutral stance about body types, but honestly it’s a bit difficult for me.

Sorry for bumping an old-ish thread but I'm stuck

I was extremely heavy as a child/teen. At my highest I was pushing around 260. Then at 19, everything just reversed. AN, which quickly turned to ANBP. Everything that went into my mouth wpuld be purged, then laxed for good measure. Dropped 160+ in less than a year. No one caught on for a while because of my starting weight. Therapy and treatment centers never have had any effect on me.

For the past few years I haven't been as active in my ED. I purge everything I eat, but the other behaviors are gone. I just really, REALLY hate having food in my stomach and am terrified of being obese again. The difference now is that I hover between 118-124 lbs so no one really suspects me or calls me out, but it's all through a calculated method of purging after everything. I want to stop because I find it so gross and I'm wasting money and I want to have children and nice skin but I am afraid of the initial gain. Not to mention that after losing so much, my body is NOT pretty. I have loose skin in places and I am literally COVERED in stretch marks. The smaller I am, the more my skin recedes.

I think taking seroquel gave me an eating disorder. I started rapidly gaining weight when I was prescribed it, in the span of a few months I put on about 40lbs. I was a little bit in denial about my dietary changes, I insisted to my doctor that I was eating the same amount of foods but in my head I knew I was night time snacking a little more than usual (I would get insane hunger pangs almost religiously an hour after taking it). My doctor was concerned at how much I gained and took me off of it, and after about a month the weight wasn't going away. I was still "snacking" at night. Still somewhat in denial, I decided I would start tracking the calories of what I was eating every day. Not dieting, just logging everything so I would have an idea.

Well, it turns out I was logging upwards of 2100+ calories on any given day. I'm 5"5 and very sedentary, I used to eat maybe 1200 calories on an average day. I thought I wasn't eating more but I actually am, I'm basically binge eating every day without any sort of purging. No wonder I gained so much and the weight isn't coming off.

I'm trying so hard to go back to how I was before but it's like now that I've unlocked the ability to binge in my brain, it feels impossible to go back. I still get hunger pangs at night, not from the medicine anymore but because I've become so habituated to eating so much. Eating a normal amount feels like starving, and I get weak and cave. When I get depressed, I crave the feeling of being full. Sometimes, it's not even food I want- it's the physical sensation of having a full stomach.

I feel disgusting and hopeless. Guilty because I feel like I did this to myself. I can't blame the medicine anymore, but I feel so powerless against food. I still have this uncontrollable hunger near constantly. I want to be full in order to feel safe and happy. I don't fit my clothes, and I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. My self esteem is gone.

I feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of an endless well, I know things need to change but I can't and I'm just so scared. I'm going to eat myself to death.

>>17739
>now that I've unlocked the ability to binge in my brain, it feels impossible to go back

Same here, anon. It feels so weird looking back at my healthy eating habits (20 years of it) and wondering how I lived before binging. Lately, I've been relying on diet coke to stay full. Doesn't really matter though. I think it just trains me to crave the full, bloaty feeling even more. I end up snapping and eating something ridiculous like an entire pizza or a huge junk food haul about once every week. Cancels out all my efforts.

I'm in denial about having an eating disorder to top it off. I need to get serious about weaning myself off this shitty diet/lifestyle. I'm so uncomfortable in my body right now.

>>17739
Usual basic advice, try a strength conditioning program at a gym and lift weights, it can help counter the effects of the meds

>>17741
You didn't read what anon wrote, they said that they are off seroquel but still experiencing the urge to binge.

>>17739
>>17740
I'm in a similar situation right now, sorry I don't have any good advice other than also struggling along with y'all. Things that I try to do are eat more slowly and take care of myself better emotionally so I don't think feeling full is the answer to my emotional void.

My ED is getting worse and i really wish I'd have the balls to kill myself. I don't think I can recover.

>>17743
You can. You will. It's a process and it's really tough but you can do it. Stay strong.

depressed as usual it's hard to get therapy here agh

i ate nothing all day and then binged/purged a large pizza. i have such awful heartburn now.

anyone else feel "too old" to have an eating disorder? i'm not even out of my 20s yet but i've had an ED for over 10 years now. it's just tiresome.

>>17746
Yes I feel too old because I have this weird idea in my head that only teens are allowed to have EDs and here I am in my mid twenties.

I just got back from vacation and my mother said it looks like I gained 5kg. I already felt fat enough, I'm now extra TrIgGeReD and I am sure I am going to spiral out of control this week because I can't and won't think about anything but my weight for a while, and binge and purge like mad. I feel pathetic.

>>17747
>I have this weird idea in my head that only teens are allowed to have EDs and here I am in my mid twenties.
Not that anon but fuck, yes, me too.

It seems like when I was a teenager it wasn't too bad because it didn't feel like I was really sick. It was just a quirk, a trait that was kinda cool sometimes (as in, others found it cool), just another dramatic factor of the dramatic teenage experience.

Now here I am, turning 24 this year, making lists of foods allowed and not allowed, at which times I should eat them, how much weight I want to lose until next month, how many calories I'm allowed to eat to reach that goal… all knowing full well I won't succeed because I'll get desperate-hungry and binge. I've been doing this for over 10 years now, I'm so tired of going through so much shit and not even being skinny (thus not having anything to show for it).

I used to fantasize about living alone and having nothing but water on my fridge, but now that I actually live alone my fridge is packed full of food at all times because the thought that I might crave something and not have it at hand makes me so anxious.
And it's all going bad because I always eat the same few things, and not in a large enough amount to finish them.
Yet somehow I'm still at a BMI of 20. My metabolism is FUCKED, and my alcoholism (hello empty, poisonous calories!) doesn't make it any better.

I'm so, so tired of this. I just want my diet plan to work this time, I just want to be able to ignore my body and my cravings.

>>17746
>anyone else feel "too old" to have an eating disorder?

Im in my thirties and have had BD (is that a "proper" ED?) since I can remember. Also I ALWAYS feel guilty after eating, anything, even vegetables. I hate myself for it and I dont think it will ever stop.


>>17748
>My metabolism is FUCKED
You only poop once a week (or less) too? That might just be how your bowels work.

>>17749
Nah, I mean "metabolism" as in "I'm on a diet that used to knock 5 kgs off me in 10 days and now it makes me lose one at best".

But speaking of bowels, I actually have bad diarrhea every day because of the alcohol. I thought this helped with weight loss but seems like it doesn't make any difference whatsoever.

>>17750
the alcohol isn't helping with your diet anon

>>17751
>>17750
Like >>17751 said, the alcohol has a LOT of calories, and its worse than food because while food makes you feel full, alcohol just makes you keep going and going, and you can go like 5k or more calories per day just by drinking beer.

>>17751
>>17752
You're right, anons, thanks ;_; I stopped drinking after I posted that.

What puzzles me though is that I drank vodka, or whiskey, or whatever 40%+ alcoholic content i could find straight, and usually didn't eat much at all (just under 300 cal most days). But then it was half our 2/3 of a bottle in a single day. I can see how that could pile up quickly…

But does it do damage long-term (diet-wise, not health-wise lol)? Because I went months without having a drink before I picked it back up and couldn't lose much either.

>>17753
>>17751
>>17752
Alcohol DOES contain a lot of calories, yes. However, your body processes it differently than food since it sees it as a toxin.

https://drinks.seriouseats.com/2013/10/cocktail-science-do-alcohol-calories-count-digesting-spirits.html

I think i'm done trying to hold on. I'm going to just let go and if I die in the process so be it because I don't care anymore

>>17755
Hey, wanna talk about it? You seem really down. What's your ED? Why don't you want to hold up anymore? Just talk if you need to talk.

>>17756
i want to lose more weight

>>17757
What's your height and wheight?

I've always had a bad relationship with food. As a kid I had learning disabilities that gave me severe anxiety and food aversion i.e. I'd only eat yellow things, like bananas and cheese. I slowly got over that, but my mum didn't help by only feeding me microwaveable shitty meals and chocolate until I got so sick of it that I tried to avoid eating as much as possible. Not to mention my household was pretty abusive and my mum was always focused on my sister's weight (she was overweight) and drilled it into me that turning out like my sister would be the worst thing that could happen. By the time I was 19, I was 5 fucking stone. That's 70lbs. I'm 5'1, btw. So deep into the underweight category. My doctor told me when I was 6 stone that if I lost any more weight he'd have to seriously think about taking me off all my medication and putting me in hospital. To avoid that, I fled to Germany as part of a student exchange trip, to get well far away from my toxic family. It kind of worked, in that I put on two stone, but I also had a mental breakdown and shaved my head and started feeling bugs crawling on my skin constantly, so there's that. But now my mum's dead, I don't live with my family, I have my own place with my boyfriend and I'm 9 stone. Feels good.

Are there any actual pro-ana sites/communities anymore? All ED communities seem (MPA etc) to be so pro-recovery and find people like me ''triggering''. I just want to find a place where I can embrace my unhealthy and fucked up addiction to being small and losing weight.

>>17760
and die?

>>17761
Maybe, don't care. Losing weight and being small is the only thing that gives me true pleasure in my life.

>>17762
Just curious, do you ever reach a maintenance size or is it a constant pursuit of getting smaller?
The former seems okay to me, but isn't the endgame of the latter literally death?

>when did your ED first emerge?
i was 13 years old, i went out with my family for the day and then suddenly food just disgusted me. i went to sleep without eating that day and it spiraled from there

>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
yep. my mom called me fat my whole life, it was horrible. i was a chubby child - she would tell me how i was going to get diabetes and die again and again. she would yell at me and tell me to "pick on someone my own size" when i tried to get her to stop. (that really stuck with me, 'pick on someone my own size'). she would just call me fat every day. she would tell me people at school would bully me. idk i hate my mom

>how has it affected you as an individual?
my whole personality and interests are based around my eating disorder now. its all i have

>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
my friends just joke about it

>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
yes yes yes absolutely

>have you ever attempted recovery?
after i started purging i tried to stop dozens of times but couldnt

>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
yes, mpa and tumblr. idk what lj is

>>17760
I haven't been able to find any, but maybe it's for the better. As I get older my body can't handle the constant weight loss as well as it used to, I'm considering recovery just because I get sick all the time now.

>>17763
Yeah I maintain at 14-16 bmi. Sometimes I start binging and then I gain some weight back then lose it again. Recently I got out of forced treatment which was my biggest weight gain ever and currently getting rid of the recovery weight.

>when did your ED first emerge?
14 years old
>was there anything in particular that triggered it?
I hated myself and I thought getting thinner would help me with that.
>how has it affected you as an individual?
Honestly it actually made me hate myself less. ED is the only thing that gives me real sense of power, control and success. I also think I look prettier now. I'm so fucked up and my life is so pathetic that I'm actually pro-ED when it comes to my life.
>if they're aware, how have your family and friends reacted to it?
They just want me to eat and tell me I'm too thin
>have you ever deliberately encouraged its development?
Yes.
>have you ever attempted recovery?
Yes, big mistake. Never again.
>did you ever participate in ED-centric online communities (i.e. MPA, LJ, Tumblr)?
Yes

>>17670
OP I just wanted to say that I've skimmed over this thread since it was made and on a whim I read the manga last night. Thanks for the rec.

>>17759

this is lifetime movie material. i'm sorry you had to live this anon, it sounds awful. i'm glad you recovered.

anyone else terrified that they're gonna screw up their brains for being anachan? https://www.verywellmind.com/brain-starvation-and-recovery-in-anorexia-nervosa-1138303

>>17769
Haha I know, it is a bit tragic. Thanks anon, I'm glad things are better now too. Makes it all worth it tbh.

Reviving this old thread. Sorry if there's a new one?
I've reached my lw in over 3 years, I think I might have gained enough to get past it but realistically speaking how much of that weight is real anyways? I feel overdramatic as shit but with quarantine nothing can stop me from starving for days and days. I really feel tempted to let go and go all the way, even if it means cardiac arrest. My bmi is pretty concerning to most people but I feel at my happiest and yet it's not enough?

>>17772
Here's the most recently-used thread.

>>>/hb/4629

>used to weigh 70kg
>fast for 10 days, lose 10kg
>gain those 10kg right back and 2kg more
>lose 7 kg again via dieting and exercise
>pandemic hits
>depressed af, gain weight again
about ready to give up on life desu