[Vent/Discussion] I’m way too mentally ill for my relationship Anonymous 15129
I guess if anyone can relate to me that’d be nice or if everyone thinks i’m stupid or gross that’s fine I just need somewhere anonymous to talk about this, if i brought this to reddit I’d get called more of a freak than if I brought it here so sorry.
I have an addictive personality (diagnosed with adhd) so ever since I was in middle school I was a huge gooner. It got me into anime, video games, anonymous imageboards and whatever else, the point being for as long as I can remember I’ve been weird. I’ve always been really good at coming off as a normal person, I’m cute (not crazy good looking or anything just cute), I’ve always cared way too much about what people think of me so I have decent social skills. But I’m still at my core disgusting, I have always had really fucked up fantasies. When I was young I would livestream myself on cam girl websites trying to hide the fact I was underaged, I want to be taken advantage of, I like loli aesthetically and want my partner to see me as small cute and someone to corrupt. I can enjoy normal stuff of course but I get bored shockingly easily, so my mind ends up wandering when I’m having vanilla sex.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 years or so. In the beginning things were great, I felt like I was getting all the right attention. He was a degen too but not as much as me. Over time it feels like sex has slowed down, he’s felt less confident about initiating and I have been getting him gushing over me less often over time. I haven’t gotten fat or anything, I’ve only lost weight since I started dating him. Whenever we talk about it he gets it’s a problem but for almost a year the problem has only gotten worse. I can live with it but I can tell it’s destroying my self esteem. On principle I try to be as confident in myself and in the traits that I want to have as I can be, I like being seen as pretty and cute and as desireable and when I am I feel natural being myself. When I don’t feel like that I can feel my personality disappearing, and it feels like it just feeds back into itself where my personality being muted and less sweet leads to me feeling less sweet because the feedback I’m getting from everything around me is telling me I’m doing something wrong. (Confidence might’ve been the wrong word to use before, maybe something like I try to seem confident in my personality around others)
It’s been really bad lately that I’ve been having trouble seeing him sexually, I feel insecure when trying to ask him for kinky degen stuff we both used to talk about all night way before. I want to fix it but I just feel so insane trying to solve it and getting no feedback. The part of my mind that looks for the feedback is going crazy and it’s making me insane.
I have an insane sex drive (if you couldn’t tell), before I met my boyfriend I used to post nudes on /soc/ and cosplay pics on twitter and would erp and would bait rape threats for dopamine. Now that things have been dead in the bedroom I have to get off thinking of all the worst stuff I want to do. I basically have no other outlet and it’s driving me crazy. I feel too mentally ill for a relationship like this sometimes but I love this man to death. It’s just all making me so depressed. I want to be slapped around in blue archive cosplays but we both seem too afraid to even touch each other lately. I feel afraid to even rebring up all the sick shit I’m into cause the lack of response just makes me feel like I’m gross and weird from a man who was making me feel safe and comfortable a few years ago. I just don’t feel myself right now and it hurts so much.
Anonymous 15132
>I like being seen as pretty and cute and as desireable and when I am I feel natural being myself.
>When I don't I can feel my personality disappearing
Stop deriving your self worth from other people's opinions of you, even the ones closest to you. Feeding off external validation is a bottomless pit and you will never feel truly satiated. Even if you could somehow manage to find someone that will feed that beast, so to speak, just the knowledge that it could all be taken away immediately will drive you mad. Ironically, letting go of all that is the hardest part (The need for validation that is, not the fetishes, but I'll get to that), even though you instinctually and rationally probably know that it eats you up inside. Not having your sexual needs met shouldn't make you question who you are as a person.
As for your boyfriend, the short answer he needs to man up and take initiative, both sexually and in terms of talking to you about it. The way you described him made him sound very sheepish. However the same goes for you. Right now you're too scared to even bring up that you're not satisfied, because his opinion of you and him even potentially thinking you're gross. So, after you detach your worth from how much sexual attention he gives you, you need to have a serious talk with him about this with as clear a mind as possible. You're still human and have needs, wants, desires etc. And if he's not ready to step up and work with you on this, then you can either accept an unfulfilling sex life or end things.
Obviously you should also ask him and see why he had a drop in libido and meet him where he's at.
