14 replies
I might genuinely need some advice here. I'm considering some form of nofap at this point. I was exposed to porn way too early in my age, I got sexually abused and exposed to porn by my abusers. This has lead me to develop hypersexuality at a young age, it is very embarassing and I hate to even talk about that. I dont know what to think anymore. Thing is, I have had a very unhealthy relationship with sexuality because of that. I honestly hate porn and wish it never existed, because in the end all porn is abuse. Though because of this experience I have ended up developping very weird fetishes which are very very humiliating and self-depricating. I have a feeling that's the only thing i can coom to. I hate this, honestly, and I know it is unhealthy. Some people tried to tell me "no ! it's normal you're taking control on your abuse, it is good!" But I frankly do not believe in this rhetoric. I ended up dating this wonderful guy, he is very vanilla (thank god). And I want to be vanilla and be turned on by normal things, because it is healthier and safer. He is aware of my issues, but I still hide most of my awful fetishes because I am ashamed and I wish I never had them. I have a hard time cooming in general anyway, I have too much shame and I wish nothing has happened to me to fuck me up this much. It's so difficult to feel pleasure unless I really force myself into it… when I think about it, the whole process isn't pleasurable anyway, it just feels like scratching an itch until it has been satiated. But not pleasurable. I don't masturbate or watch porn everyday, thankfully. And if I do watch porn I'll prefer to go for hentai because at least there isn't "actual abuse" there. Though in the end I wish I didnt even seek out porn in the first place. As I have said already, I hate porn and everything it represents and how hurtful it is to women. I think I should try some form of nofap to "cure" myself ? Ironically it isn't the first time i've tried to "nofap". I managed to last 60 days without cooming some years ago and it didn't fix anything. In the end all I want is to feel pleasure with normal things, with vanilla shit. Because the pleasure I get from abusive thoughts isn't pleasurable… It's embarassing, humiliating, makes me want to cry and makes me feel helpless. I'm not writting this for self pity, i genuinely want advice on how to "like normal things". I know some will reccomend me to see a therapist but I can't at the moment. Outside of my sex life I am pretty much okay and happy. But this specific thing about myself just makes me feel hopeless. Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do about how female sexuality is vilified but I have a feeling this might be too easy of an answer for my situation. Whoever reads this to the end, thank you for caring.