/nsfw/ - xxx

I've been feeling incredibly guilty over my sexuality - having a lot of rather extreme fantasies and a far higher sex drive than most men I've dated.

It makes me feel bad on so many levels - for example the fact that none of my boyfriends have ever pursued sex as much as I have. I get that "men always want sex durr" is a retarded idea society fed me but the one connection between all these men and their low sex drive seems to be me. All my boyfriends say my kinks are ok and they're fine with roleplaying but I can't help but feel it's just them trying to please and not lose me.

Another side is just how entrenched so much of female sexuality is in misogynistic submission. I've noticed that a lot recently as I've been reading more erotic literature to pacify my fetishes and 90% of them are written by men. Even when they try to write it in a females perspective it's always the same old "innocent girl struggles until she finally gives in and lets the big strong man take care of her and she now likes it so it definitely wasn't rape and was super ok all along". That not only gets tedious when it's aaall you ever get to read but as a submissive woman you have to wonder how often you play into these power fantasies in real life. I am fearful that if I do find a partner I click with sexually he won't respect me as a human because of my kinks.

I know what I like, what makes me feel good, and that should be sexually liberating but I didn't grow up in a cultural vacuume so how much of my sexuality was molded to please men?

I wish I could have a less personal, less rambling, more academic starting off point about how "ah yes female pleasure culturally only seems to matter so far as it serves patriarchy". It's pretty late and I've had a drink and just wanted to feel less crazy/alone.

I'm sure a lot of this has been discussed to death and if there's already a thread for something similar I'm sorry. But maybe somebody can relate with parts of this and tell me their stories.

>tl;dr - post nut clarity