Yeah, but I don't ever expect to find one. There have only ever been one or two girls who I liked romantically, and neither of them really thought twice about me.
Every relationship I've been in, the other girl has been head over heals and I've been lukewarm. They were good people, and I liked them, but one sided passion isn't something that you can hang a future on. Being in a relationship like that made me feel really guilty after a while, and keeping up airs like I'm into it too gets draining. Eventually my guilt got the best of me and I break it off.
I always think that love is something that can come with time, but I've been in three "serious" relationships and I never really came to care about them like that. I don't want to make that mistake again, so I'm just stuck in limbo. In my case being alone isn't so bad though, I have a couple of close friends that keep me warm, and I get on with my family well enough.
Since I'm blogposting my emotions life story apparently, I've been chatting with a girl on and off for the last 458 days according to my snap streak. Same pattern as always; she's crazy about me, I think she's alright.
We do a private bookclub where we read a chapter or two a week and then have a long call where we talk about it. She always tells me about her life, and I always listen. She's just reading the books for an excuse to talk to me, I'm just reading the books so that I can deflect having personal conversations. I feel bad about it, but despicably I still take comfort in the fact that I' someone who other people can feel strongly about. I don't like that part of me, but if I look at myself from the outside, I understand and forgive it.