I can't love someone who doesn't exist. Maybe… I just can't love, period. Every time I try to conjure up the ideal man, nothing comes up. The same emptiness arises even when genders are switched. I don't know what's wrong with me; I want to love but have no one I can think of to love.
My days are empty, cold, lonely… I have many cats whom I love to death, but I want a lover who can respond to me natural human language. I want to make sweet love to them, then fall asleep cuddling, all to wake up in the cold London mist and make breakfast together. I want to make them tea and kiss them everyday to make sure they feel loved. I want to grow old with someone, experiencing all of life's pleasures – and its tragedies.
My days, filled with libertine pleasures, is something I've become weary of. To tolerate them, and them to tolerate me, I must wear a mask that wears me to the bone; I am not myself and I cannot breathe with this given mask. I want to be free. I'd gladly give up my selfish, toxic habits just for a taste of gentle, kind love.
Can anybody find me somebody to love?