Friendship Issues Anonymous 90455[Reply]
I have a small but relatively close group of friends with which I frequently interact with, yet I feel a great disconnect between my investment into said friendships and theirs.
I often feel as though I have to forcefully demand or arrange situations and behaviors I myself consider should come naturally out of them and yet don't. The word I keep coming back to again and again is "reciprocity". I feel as though the amount of emotional energy I put into fostering said friendships is greater than the amount that is reciprocated towards me, and has led throughout the years to a stable growth in resentment and bitterness in my treatment towards them.
Don't get me wrong, they are good people and never done anything to hurt me and in fact think highly of me, but the simple fact is that they have other stuff going on in their lives and I don't factor in that much in them, and I don't really have anyone else in my own life whilst they have. I am self-aware enough to realize that this is mainly an issue of my own emotional immaturity, but I really don't know how to deal with it, and it has led me to unhealthy behaviors which I would very much like to cease to carry on doing, such as: lashing out at them verbally for verily minor and trivial "offenses", making them pay for things despite being in a much better economical situation than them as a petty attempt to obtain a material "reciprocity" for my emotional investment (which is pointless anyway since I have no need for any of it anyway, it is mostly drugs and alcohol to numb myself and have a good enough disposition to interact with them in the first place), as well as simply ignoring them completely for a given amount of time until they show any signs of concern towards my person.
Yes, I am aware that those are indeed very assholeish things to do and I feel truly guilty for them, so my reason for making this thread aside from venting is to ask if anyone here has dealt with a situation similar to mine, and what can I do in order to deal with my emotional issues in a less harmful way?