/feels/ - Advice & Venting

i'm just now finishing my 2nd year in university and for the two years that i've been here i genuinely haven't had a conversation with a person besides someone asking me like "is this seat taken" or something in a class. i haven't had any friends for 5+ years since all my friends from middle school just stopped talking to me when high school started. i think i'm so socially retarded and lacking in social skills that at this point i don't even know how to make friends even if i desperately wish to do it. i never learned these skills as a child either because for as long as i can remember i've felt like my presence is a burden to other people and i've thought that i'm doing a service to them by speaking or being seen as little as possible so even as a child i didn't engage or begin conversations with people. there's no point to this i just can't see how a life like this is worth living in the long run and i wish that eventually i'll have the courage and decisiveness to kill myself.

i feel pretty alone in this because usually the genders are swapped. my bf is a FILTHY CASUAL gamer and i am a tryhard. we always play a few rounds, he keeps throwing, my mood goes down and i get quiet, and then we quit because he can tell i am getting annoyed.

logically, i know i am a huge loser for not being able to enjoy a game with him even though he is bad. i wish i could just laugh at his mistakes and carry him. but i get mad that he is dragging me down, and i don't know how to change how i feel. i find enjoyment in improving, learning, and trying to win. i don't understand how casuals can enjoy playing the game without trying to win. goofing around doing nothing is only fun for so long. to me casual gaming feels like a huge waste of time. i've communicated this to him, but we both can't figure out a solution. he told me to never expect him to get better, and he thinks i should just find other people to play with. but i don't know anyone else who wants to play the games i do, and i dont like queuing with random people that i don't know that well.

should i just give up on trying to play games i actually like with him? can any nonas relate to this or knock some sense into me?

i need to finish my radio kit but ive been too stubbornly depressed to do anything. what have you guys been putting off?

i got physically abused when i was in middle school and i had noticed i was like ‘weird’ after. had a freakout the other day bc some dog scared me and it like finally clicked so i went to the doctor. i feel a lot better knowing that im not just a shitty person but like what the fuck now??? i just feel like im quantifiably damaged. anybody have like any advice on what route i should take? like support groups or medication? thanks :p

I’m looking for fellow victims of a man named Randall Mosey of Ohio. He should be 32 by now. Blue eyes, white guy, computer nerd who loved starcraft. He molested me when I was 13 and I know there are others, because I tried to reach out to his girlfriend through her tellonym and she got really upset and deleted my messages after responding to one saying she’s “tired” of people trying to ruin his reputation. So that is not the first time someone’s tried to tell her that her boyfriend’s a pedophile. She accused me of lying because I hid behind anonymity. Excuse me that I’m not exactly jumping at the idea of hopping on a skype call with you guys.

I wanna know if y’all have any advice on finding other victims too. I just keep remembering.

a "friend" of mine made a joke at my expense about how im insecure and not confident in a kind of condescending and insulting way. i called her out on it immediately afterwards (as shes made many disrespectful remarks in the time weve known eachother) but it made me feel kind of bad… i hate that i get perceived as this unconfident person.
how would you girls have handled it?

i like girls but only certain type. the hikki femcel type of, but most of them are either straight or not interested in daiting. i dont think i will ever find gf to be with because of it. all the girlies i have liked never liked girls. all im asking for is cute pale hikikomori-ish girl who is similar to me…

i don't know what's happening to me lately, i have been feeling way more lonely than usual, normally, i'm a lonely person, i like to be in my room doing my own thing, i normally sit alone in lunch at uni, i have a very few friends, its normal to be alone for me, but lately i have been feeling a void growing in the pit of my stomach, its eating me from the inside out and i can't do anything about it, or i feel like so, have yall ever heard the song 'race' by alex g? that's how the pit of my heart sounds. Im having 2 weeks of vacation, so i'm in my house all day, i'm not doing much, just assignments from uni, playing LoL, BS1, sims4, eating, bathing, sometimes i call my online friends on discord and we play together, but most of the day, im just… there…
I'm sitting in my bed… doom scrolling… waking up late…
I do talk to people of my family, i live with my grandparents and my big sis, my sister works all day and my grandparents work too in their small business, so the house is always alone. I'm the only one here all day, and i don't have much to do, i just clean, eat, play.
I feel like my life is in pause, like i'm missing something, like i need to be somewhere important and i'm really late. Video Games don't fill the void anymore, every time im playing it feels so repetitive, i don't get distracted of my thoughts by playing, i can't write down how i feel because i don't actually feel anything anymore, im just so tired, but i can't sleep, i don't even sleep anymore, im just existing in slow mo, every time i try to relapse on SH i just can't, i have grown a coward, i just feel so sad and anxious because i feel like this is going to be how i'm going to live for the rest of my life and i can't do anything, i don't feel normal, i see other girls in my class, same age as me (17) looking so healthy, so pretty, so smart (cuz i'm also failing all of my classes), i just look at them and i get so upset, they look so mature and beautiful, they already look like young women, im stuck looking like a pre teenager due to my ED, i want to be like them, surrounded by a lot of friends, pretty, mature, smart, funny, i bet they never feel alone.
i want to stop feeling alone, i want to be normal like everyone else, i just feel like im fragile, but not like glass, like a bomb that could explode any second.
you don't need to give me advice if you don't have any, i just wanted to feel heard, and here i alwaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Would anyone miss you if you died tomorrow?

Wouldn't that solve a lot of problems? Looking for partners in the modern world is so undignified.