Eating disorder Anonymous 119638[Reply]
Even when I was at my lowest weight, I was still unhappy with my physical appearance. I hated how deeply this illness affected me physically and mentally. I could not go to outings, I could not go for lunch with friends, I couldn't eat in front of others without feeling embarrassed or as if I was eating too little that someone would notice or too much. Eventually, people began noticing of course. My friends would comment on how thin I was getting, how I was "body goals". Their elders (all women) also commented and praised me for how thin I had been getting. Of course I thanked them for the compliments, I was very appreciative of compliments from my friends and their elders. In my mind all I could think about was how horrible I felt, how terribly this illness is impacting my life.
I looked in every mirror. The mirror was my biggest enemy. I watched parts of me become slimmer and bonier. But I was still unsatisfied. This illness will be with me permanently. I've sought help, I was doing well for a while, thought I had finally become a winner in an aspect of my life I was struggling in the most. Wrong. It comes back, and it only gets worse. Depriving myself of everything my body needs to sustain itself just to feel satisfied with my appearance.
I am moderately stable as of this moment. I feel myself slipping again and I'm afraid.
If you struggle with this I'd love to read about how you are working to overcome it or even any similar vents. Have you ever been satisfied with the way you look in your eating disorder? Even when you have felt satisfied with your appearance, did you feel as if you had to keep getting worse? If you've recovered, do you ever miss how sick you were? Did you find normality in your sickness?
Anonymous 119643
I used to be really, really bad. I was dying and could barely stand up. Just like you, I couldn't really go to outings. I'd order a lettuce and pick at it, eating a couple pieces here and there to keep up appearances, but people definitely noticed something was off. Eventually my family found out just how thin I really was when they happened to see me when I wasn't wearing a baggy sweater and my mother's screams of terror as she saw just how far gone I truly was haunts me to this day.
It's scary to make a change, but being anorexic really is no way to live. Once I realized I couldn't go on like that, the way I handled things was I did anaerobic exercises while eating more. The options aren't only fat or thin, I figured that I could accept being muscular, that's a healthy way to put on weight.
That was years ago and I don't have any regrets. I don't count the calories or anything anymore. It definitely wasn't easy to get to this point, but just take it slow. I'm sure you have foods you consider "safe" to eat. Just eat more of those until you're full. It took me years before I was comfortable eating unhealthy foods again.
I won't lie to you, sometimes I do miss how delicate and tiny I was, but I definitely made the right choice. I had fully accepted I would never taste chocolate for the rest of my life, I was constantly cold, tired, and in pain. And I really do look better now rather than being a walking corpse. I'm athletic now, I've actually got energy, I'm not bedridden and constantly shivering anymore.
Of course it's scary, but you have to trust that it'll work out. Just eat and you'll finally start enjoying life again. The fact that you've realized the issue proves you have the strength to get through this, that's the hardest part.
