/feels/ - Advice & Venting

hello nonas,
i hope you don’t mind me reaching out and i hope you guys are doing amazing, but i’m feeling really lost and overwhelmed right now a few months ago my pictures and personal information were doxxed and since then i can’t stop thinking about it every time i check the website they’re still talking about me commenting on my body and it makes me feel absolutely worthless i don’t have anyone i can talk to about this and the anxiety is constantly on my mind i’m terrified they’ll find a way to reach my family something i would never want to happen it’s been consuming me and i feel like i’m trapped in this cycle of sadness the fact that they post about me regularly makes it almost impossible to resist checking the site even though i don’t want to i keep blaming myself for trusting people online and sharing my pictures with them when i rejected them they started circulating my images and using them to hurt me i have their pictures too but i’m afraid posting them would only make things worse giving them more fuel i’ve been inactive for a while but i still check the site now and then each time i hold onto a little bit of hope that things might have changed but i’m always left disappointed because they still keep posting about me even after all this time what should i do i feel so confused and lost. i’m so scared this will follow me into the future especially as i try to build a career in a public role i can't stop thinking about how my past will always be there lurking waiting to catch up with me when i was 17 i made racist remarks and hurt people with my words even if i thought they were just jokes or satire i was wrong i was cruel and i was selfish hiding behind anonymity thinking it didn’t matter but it did and it does i can’t change what i did and i know that no amount of regret will take away the harm i caused i feel lost in this realization but i accept it i accept that this part of me this mistake is something i have to carry with me forever i wish i could take it all back i wish i could undo the pain i caused but i can’t all i can do now is be sorry and try to be better even though i know it might never be enough

ive been dating this guy for about 6 months and its been really good until recently. he's super sweet, attractive, intelligent, very much a catch. ive never been with a guy who ive felt so happy to be with and i havent dated in a while.

things were going well until recently, when we were hanging out at his house and i was sitting on his couch sans makeup.

thing is, ive worn pretty heavy makeup when we first met, and i haven't taken it off until now. i noticed he was being really distant and i asked him why.

that's when everything came to head. he reluctantly admitted he felt really disappointed with how i naturally look and he was more excited to date me when i was done up. he went on to say he felt lied to and that i look significantly different without it.

i had no idea what to say so i just told him that he shouldn't be dating me if it was bothering him that much. he told me he wasn't sure how to bring it up to me and that maybe we weren't as great of a fit as he originally thought.

ever since then ive been replaying the event in my head and we're still together, but there's now an awkward distance between us. ive been feeling really down about the whole situation and have no idea of how to move forward.

nonas, what would you do if you were me? ive never had this problem with boyfriends until this week and i now feel pretty insecure about my makeup usage. i have no idea if he still likes me and we havent spoken as much after the conversation happened.

i'd appreciate any advice. thanks for listening if you've gotten this far.

What do you hate and why?

anyone else genuinely painful to look at i stopped going to school at 12 because of total ostracization over my face getting harder not to blow my head off

What I'm about to say may sound retarded as hell. No, I'm not a tranny, but I don't like my boobs. I hate how they're just there to feed a baby, I hate how my entire body is just meant to breed, I hate how they ruin every outfit, etc. I feel uncomfortable with them, does that make sense? Like my body isn't my own. I wanna get them cut off, I wish I had a flat chest honestly. I have a B cup/average size, not too big or too small but I genuinely hate them. No, I'm not a tranny, I'm still a woman I just don't want tits. But I know if I said this anywhere else I'd get called trans. This is my first time posting here, usually I just look at posts but this is really the only place where I could get advice.

Why and what did you feel?

When I was 14, I was sent to this school called Watson Institute. I was often threatened with rape and sexual assault, and one kid there tried to tear out my eye with a pencil saying he would force his penis into my eyesocket. I was never believed by any of the teachers. Because most of the other students were boys, the bullshit excuse I got was "boys will be boys".

Ever since then, I have not known how to interact with people. I was fired from two jobs and then kicked out of college twice. I live at my parents' house and at this point I am sitting around waiting to die. I don't want to be percieved as this mentally unstable thing people percieve me as. My life is destroyed.

I want Watson Institute sued. I can give as many names and addresses as you need me to. I just want help suing them for enough money to move into my own house to rot away there instead of my parents' house. I also need restitution for my mom for the damage to her life she suffered from giving birth to me.

230 Hickory Grade Road (Bridgeville)
Jennifer Dixon-Wagner
Rachael Knight
Iain Davis
Jennifer Do

i can't really care for things that happened after ~2008. 2008 was when the internet started to suck, i think that old meme is spot-on. when the internet was just for weird nerds, it was a wonderful friendly hopeful human place. now it is this monster trying to enslave humanity.

when i see an old movie, that time before the smartphone seems so precious, so wholesome, so real; for the most part human interaction was still based on mutual consent at that point.

now when i see some show and they put these text-bubbles on the screen trying to visualize the instant messages from the protagonists i just close whatever i am watching in disgust.

i just use a phone for listening to music and watching occasional news video, i would never ever use one of these new internet based services, i just hate being digital cattle; i know many of you don't mind. once i find something else to listen to music that i like, i might not even use a phone anymore.

when i see some old documentary from 2000-2008 i want to go back to that time. not because i was young, it's not that. you only care about when you live unhealthily. when you are healthy you don't really age. i know many of don't live healthy, you wouldn't understand. aging for the most part is made up. no it's because i miss just peaceful casual non-exploitative non-surveiled genuine human interaction in privacy.

Changes in routine make me absolutely miserable, even when the change is good like getting a better job. I'll spend like two months depressed, crying, and then it goes away when I get used to it. The worst part is I feel I have to perform for people, idek how to explain it.

How do you deal with this shit I'm so done

The one job I was going to be good at and make a living on was ruined four years ago when you accused me falsely of cheating and I got banned from pretty much every Pokemon tournament on this fucking slavegrind earth. I thought Watson Institute ruined my life enough, but you took my one final chance and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny bite sized pieces.

Had I rightfully gotten my prize for winning that tournament, I could have been emancipated as a minor, I could be in Norway right now as a black metal artist, or I could even be camping at Laurel Hill.

Prozzub, I want you to know if you are the one reading this that you ruined my life. I couldn't care less if you hate me, I despise myself just as much if not more than you hate me.

Thanks for nothing!