Hi everyone,
I'm not sure if this post is allowed on here, but it's worth a shot. I'm 19 this year, and up until I was 14 I was convinced I was heterosexual. But every time a guy hit on me or asked me out, I'd get this deep feeling of dread and disgust. Once I even cried because I felt 'dirty'. When I was 16, I saw this boy, I really really liked him. I'd talk about him all the time, wish he'd ask me out, got upset when he turned me down, etc. Eventually, I went on a date with him when I was 17, and I came home genuinely wondering if I was a lesbian. I had an on and off thing with him throughout last year, but every time my friends would jokingly refer to him as my boyfriend, I'd feel disgusted that they could even percieve me that way. I'd have so many talking stages with guys, but after a day or two, that 'honeymoon phase' would wear off and I would genuinely hate them. Every time my friends would talk about boys, I'd feel this almost imposter syndrome when I'd talk and try to relate to them. When I'd see guys IRL, I'd study their faces, imagine scenarios, before finally deciding to like them. I liked getting attention and validation from men, but I'd never want it to get serious. My 'feelings' for men i've 'wanted' recently always wittles down unless I see them IRL, then I want them to want me again. Sounds pretty lesbian, right?
Here's my dilemma. I've had two 'talking stages' with girls before, and I lowkey got that same 'ick' feeling. I'd honestly get uncomfortable every time my friends / family members / literally anyone would just percieve me as capable of having romantic feelings period. (I.E., insinutating i'm busy on valentines, asking about relationship prospects, etc.) I find the idea of being with a man appealing, occasionally find myself wanting a boyfriend even, I find male fictional characters attractive, and I've had crushes on IRL men before but they were always unattainable in some way (i.e. tiktok boys or passers by on the street.) I remember having crushes on boys as a kid, before I could conceptualise male validation. I don't feel aversed to being with a man, and I find sex with AMAB individuals appealing. I've had phases where I even questioned my attraction to women and thought I was straight and faking it.
However, I can't differentiate between these feelings towards men being comphet / wanting validation / loving the chase, or if I'm just bisexual and currently going through the 'bi cycle'. My standards for
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