I'm so delusional

>>95095
You still did it though, very nice.
>>95103
In what way?

>torrented all of college books
>fafsa covers almost every cost that I would have to pay
>all of my classes end up needing me to pay for ebooks and access codes for a third-party site to do actual work and exams
>have to pay $500 out of pocket just to use access codes
>don't know if buying cheaper ebook options outside of the actual website itself will even give me a viable access code
fucking why is this a thing. JUST USE CANVAS TO UPLOAD THE ASSIGNMENTS TO. i'm just starting college again and i have to do many more classes after this, so who knows how many times i'll encounter this. i don't even know if this degree is worth it to be entirely honest.

My face looks so fucking weird. It's like I've gone through puberty 2.0. I've lost some weight (like 4 kilos it's not dramatic but im half a midget anyway) and now my jawline looks sharp (from the front), kinda like Timothee chalamet in his emaciated rat phase.
Fuck, I've always had a pretty-ish face even if i was insecure in my body. But now my face looks so weird. I don't recognize myself anymore. On the other hand, I know if I continue down this rabbit hole the natural conclusion will be "i should get botox/filler" and i don't wanna look bogged by 27. No thank you.

>>95060


>But still, being in a foreign country where no one knows you makes it a bit easier to do things that you normally wouldn't.

That's true. I'm just a prisoner of my own mind so I just wouldn't be surprised if I still fuck it up. Learning to gaijin smash would be a very valuable skill otherwise, I'm sure.

>Hell, you could try doing an offline meetup with someone, ain't a shortage of autists over there.

There is this Japanese guy I know but I am so bad at texting back these days I'm surprised he even still wants to talk to me. He'll be married with kids, by the time I get myself to message him properly. (If he isn't already. oop-) I also know at least two other foreigners, one from my Japanese club on campus and another that a friend connected me with, that left for Japan. We will probably be in completely different prefectures but I've noticed Japanese expat community seems pretty open to offline meetups so it might work.

One of the worst things for me is having put in the effort of trying to make friends irl but having nothing in common with them when it comes down to actually hanging out. The worst is when they say something really fucking dumb or offensive. Finding someone with the same vibes is hard

>>94533
Anon I feel for you. I could have wrote this except I did have friends up until age 16. I had a small group of friends and a best friend. Then I moved and have been a socially anxious shut in since. I don't know how to make friends anymore and I'm scared and nervous around strangers.

Ever since I had my best friend at the time betray me in late 2020, I couldn't make friends as easily or have a friend group again. I have frequent paranoid fits where I delete or remove people from my friend's list, and then isolate myself for weeks. It still hurts, and it happened when I was around 16. I'm an adult now, and it's like this deep scar in my brain won't heal.
I've tried discord, that didn't work and actually made me feel worse, and twitter, but that didn't help either. I go to university but I always feel sad when people I want to be friends with ignore me and have so much fun with the friends they've known since grade school. A big chunk of people I considered my online friends just ignore me or ghost me for weeks on end, they say they're busy but they change their profile pics or go out with other friends.

I've tried lowering my standards also, but forcing myself to be a boring person who only likes trends only makes me feel shittier. I know it sounds extremely arrogant of me, but I wish there was people who had the passion, mindset, and patience that I do. Only this month did I realise that even though I put my contact information in the open, nobody bothers to reach out to me. Only two of my online friends reach out to me on a frequent basis, the rest, they ignore me and never talk to me unless I talk to them.
I feel so fucking lonely. Like the OP picture, I wish I could mess around with friends like that, or go to places together with people. It seems like I am fucked with real life and online friends either way, and my horrible paranoia doesn't make it any better.

>>94496
something similar happened to me too. a little different but i was going through the worse period of my life & i suppose I wasn’t the greatest friend at that time, i didn’t do anything inherently wrong, but I couldn’t be relied upon. but I was always so supportive & as helpful as I could be. i feel like one of the girls was threatened by me as she felt quite possessive of another girl in the group, someone I got on well with, so she had an agenda to push me out. I was too nice & forgiving & didn’t assert boundaries properly & eventually i had my breakdown. when I was going through my crisis, this girl kicked me when I was down - immediately causing drama, stirring stuff behind my back, trying to push me out, stirring lies about me. unfortunately because she came off as the stable rational one as I had mental health problems she was believed. the group followed suit. I lost my friends & i became pretty pathetic by trying to hang onto it. it messes you up. but how ironic that when I have issues, start to take time away & get help, that this happens. but ultimately people that fall out with you when you put yourself first, are often the ones that benefit from you putting yourself last. as soon as you enter that mode you are of no use to them anymore. my situation is a little different but what I can suggest is that 1. you don’t have anything wrong with you, so never convert this situation into “not being good” enough etc - what they have shown you, is that they are not good enough for you. good riddance that people you thought were friends, are actually selfish, uncaring & disloyal people and that they are gone. you don’t want friends like this anyway. you don’t need their validation. their opinion about you should hold absolutely no value. only people in your inner circles who have your best interests have valuable opinions on you. so ultimately their opinions should have no bearing on you as they have shown themselves unworthy of being your friend. another thing to note is that people who bring a lot to the table, loyalty, caring, empathy & more - find it hard to meet other people that mirror this. “the more you bring to the table, the harder it is to find someone to sit with” - but there are nice people out there, you just have to filter out the shitty ones.

>>94533

I know how you feel Nona
It's pretty much me except I had few acquaintances in college. I was never invited to parties, trips anything
It sucks

Now its hard for me to make friends & my social skills suck

I poked the hornets nest on my main social media and said people with anti social personality disorder should be dead due to my own experience. I spend way too much time on here and i forgot how dramatic people on social media can be

He's flaking on me again. I don't even feel any love in my heart for him anymore. Not after the way he's
gone back to making me feel like I'm second place to his ex. Like I'm just a placeholder for someone better to come into his life and have him. This is so disgusting. Being with him is like scratching an itch, not being in love. What have I let myself fall to?

I don't even know who I am anymore. And I'm way too old to still be looking for myself. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. It feels like I forgot how to be happy without him. All I did was use video games and movies to cope before. I envy people who don't have a broken up family either.

I wish someone would save me.

>>35643
Very late reply but I felt the same way as you for a long time.
For me, I think it was related to being alone all the time and developing a coping mechanism where I would get into the mindset that I have someone in my head talking to me. Sometimes, I imagined people I knew watching my life through my eyes and judging me. It turned every moment of my life into a sort of social situation, and from there, I guess it evolved into paranoid thoughts of being watched of filmed.
I feel better now and it may be because I spend considerably more time around friends and I have a clearer barrier between social time and alone time.

>>92407
Stop caring and throw yourself into a hobby/goal. Sometimes you can't rely on people. It's just a fact of life. I promise it's possible to enjoy life alone in a healthy way. It also makes you stronger. When it stops feeling that way its usually really only because of some critical voice in your head you picked up. Nagging you to be some manner of social. Droning on and on. But people can also be completely unhealthy. When you realize it and let that voice go you realize happiness isn't dependant on anybody. Life can just feel like a video game. Leveling up, making gains, having successes. It can be peaceful and interesting and a blast. But it never is if that voice is allowed to live in your head.

That voice is cancer if it's not doing anything for you

I fucking hate men, i couldn’t stay for 15 minutes enjoying my day at the park without getting stalked by a creep.

feels like both the internet and irl are dead

I cut off tiktok. It was a spur of the moment decision. I haven't been feeling really well. I'm restless. Cognitively, I'm incapable of forming even the most basic processes, or even organizing my thoughts (few as they are). I no longer have dreams, aspirations or goals. My brain is a barren field. So creatively bankcrupt I could no longer even maladaptively daydream.

But all these are symptoms of a bigger problem. Doom-scrolling is just escapism. I've been marinating in all the painfull sadness and misery all afternoon and evening. I broke down thrice. I don't feel good. I'm wasting my life. I have no plans. I have 1.2 friends. I have 1 (ONE) failed situationship and no boyfriend. I'm so delusional I feel physical pain. It hurts. It's always going to be like this.

You know what fucking kills me? Is how crippled and helpless I act. And I'm not nearly sick enough (or even sick at all, I'm just a moody generally unhappy cunt) to warrant a real diagnosis from a real doctor. I'm sad. I want this to end. And I'm supposed to be religious too. Where's God? Where's my faith? Where did my strength go?

>>92227
>had to blackmail
It's crazy how moids can only act like decent people when they're actively punished for NOT doing so.

I don't agree with the mentality of women who put down women from other races for being "ugly". That kind of superficial generalization is the black/white thinking I would expect more from a male. Males have made it clear many times that they have less tolerance to anyone outside of their race, just for being outside of their race. Slave trades, genocidal wars, you name it. Not just to men of other races, but also to women of other races. Males always look at just several "ugly" white, asian, or black women and within seconds the males believe that ALL women from that race are ugly. The woman in question doesn't even have to actually be ugly. The male could just find the features of her face unattractive to him personally, but his mind translates this as "she's completely ugly because she's X race". Just by observing male behaviors across history and two this day, racism is definitely more common mindset for males.
However, what do women truly have to gain from putting down women from other races? What is the reason for jumping at the thought of another woman being "uglier" than you? To boost your own self-esteem by distracting yourself of all your personal flaws? To feel more attractive and deserving of male attention? To mentally get kicks from being the "prettier" woman to an entire group of women is rather insane, insecure, and pickme-ish.

I am so stressed about my final today. I have studied so hard and I still feel like I don't know nearly enough. This is my last class I need to graduate. I've been doing okay in the class but if I somehow fail this and don't pass it would be so heart breaking. It would absolutely shatter me. At least I can say I tried.

>>15628
just stumbled on this post and read this, but I hope you're doing a bit better since 4 years ago.

everyday I fight the urge to relapse on cutting myself

They changed the recipe of my popcorn snack
It was white cheddar and it used to be lightly dusted on, now its caked on AND it looks like fucking mac & cheese powder
The taste is different too, I liked brand but now its gone
Why can't things I enjoy stick around

>>91032
This was similar to how I felt when they changed the recipe of the cheese pringles a while back. They started tasting super metallic. Now I have to eat ruffles but those are even pricier then pringles. BTW which snack was it?

>>91011
please don't, i relapsed just yesterday and i already regret it

I e-cheated on my bf and it completely broke him. I never planned for us to break up and it made me realize I'd never find someone like him again.
After a few months we ended up talking again and got back together. I'm both feeling blessed because I love him to death but I also feel like he deserves someone better than me.

bf told me he was out with his friend and he had a brief thought about kissing her. i told him it was fine and lots of people have random weird thoughts. he said it's not normal for him to have such thoughts when already dating somebody and he said the only decent solution he sees is either for us to remain friends or get him more sexually interested in me. i don't mind remaining friends but i feel like i got too emotionally dependent on him so i might have a hard time processing it. but the other option is weird too and i'm not sure it can work if he lost his sexual interest in me so easily.
how do you stop being emotionally dependent on other people, nonies? i feel like i can never deal with my life alone and always need someone to be dependent on who'll tell me what to do and who'll take care of my emotional wellbeing. idk why am i like this. daddy/mommy issues? i feel like i'm incapable of handling my life independently. an older guy i'm working with was giving me a ride and we were talking about stuff mostly related to his line of work and he gave me some advice and i felt so comforted and had a rush of warm platonic feelings towards him and didn't want to leave his car but i obviously had to. this makes me think it's some sort of daddy issues situation with me starting to develop emotional dependence on any older guy or sometimes an older woman who shows some care and warmth towards me and i'm usually pretty successful at not showing it but with my bf it's different and i guess it got too far.

>>89429
theres a lot to unpack but first thing first, dump him nona

I hate this faggot art professor like you wouldn't believe. He assumes his subject is as important as the rest of the main course ones, even the main one (I'm studying in STEM). He explains chapters on chapters on chapters of the most useless shit that I won't even get to use in my life since again, history of arts and architecture is not from the main course. Today he did the exam for our class, and obviously not only was I late due to period but I also completely fucked it up with no chance to recover. Mind you, I didn't get any bad grades since I started, and now THIS huge faggot is gonna ruin it. I hate him so much, he's got no family and nobody loves him, he should just kill himself and let his pathetic existence expire because I'm not sacrificing my mental health for this piece of shit faggot professor. God

>>91907
STEM Professors tend to have that focused lens otherwise they wouldn't have been doing both STEM and being a professor in the first place. But one thing you do pick up along the way in doing STEM is knowing what to study for and what you can just ignore on. Try clarifying with the professor at his office after class to see what he would consider important in the EXAM and just work around that

Moid friend will not fucking reply to me. Ugh.

Why do I keep saying ugh

>>86763
Practice not replying to him

ffs goddamn
my nigel's not perfect but fucking arguing with him pisses me off like no other.


The absolute inability to understand that women don't act like that troon Blaire White and that he acts like a HSTS and is something I didn't think I'd have to explain.

Imagine being so detached from reality that you think that's how women act. I hate his moid opinions on female issues. It basically turned into me arguing with a YouTube commentator when I had to explain medical sexism is real and affects women worse. With my own experience and other women I know. He was so combative about it and just wouldn't swallow the truth until I started plying him with data but there was just a flagrant lack of respect and this "HWHELL I KNOW BETTER" & "Men and women arent that different" ignorance that makes me want to screech.


Am I losing my shit? I'm not even that radical, I don't do annoying protests and shit, I don't express my opinion much at all.

There's just shit moids fundamentally will not understand and I had to cut the dialogue short on the Blaire/tranny thing before I split my head open because I knew he'd say some dumb shit I'm gonna be spending ages trying to sink through his skull with him kicking every step of the way just like with the medical sexism this like what the fuck nonas.


I need some god damn female friends that aren't wokepilled. Fuuck

>>83058
My latest ex boyfriend once said that he would "get over it" in a week if we ever broke up. I left him for a woman almost 2 years ago and he still winges about me sometimes on social media. I remember him crying, saying that he'd never find a person that loves him as much as I did. And he's right. Nobody will ever put up with, love him, or be as patient with him as I was. I feel pretty smug about it. Especially because he treated me like shit for so long.

>>84405
other posted that just replied to you doesn’t seem to understand how relationships work…? nona if you are ever uncomfortable or questioning a relationship going to see them (esp if they’re far away) must be pretty stressful, and it might be nice if after this trip you can carve out some breathing room for yourself or even talk to him about how you feel during this trip (if you’re in a safe situation—maybe just bring up ldr struggles? but i have no idea how well you know him and men can overreact sometimes so please don’t feel the need to talk about this with him)

>>84414
I wish it were that simple ):
>>84416
I've told him I'm still questioning the relationship but i sugarcoat it i guess to make it seem less serious because i love him so much and don't want to hurt him. I'm just in pain from an LDR that has no end in sight, i feel lonely both physically and emotionally. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in. He's not violent or anything, so it's not a safety concern. I just don't know how to break it to him that I don't think I should go on the trip. Maybe I should tell him my mental health is a mess (it is)…?

>>84450
Help

>>84467
You could try to ease the burden of your trip being successful on your mind by not having it depend solely on whether or not it will go well with your boyfriend. You could enjoy the trip as its own thing and forgive yourself if things don't go your way.

>>71066
Yeah, physicality. A hand on a shoulder or hug or something immediately can help change the tone if you cant get him alone. But telling him is the only sure-fire way

Being attracted to men is a curse, especially as a zoomer. All these poly and open relationships, being gradually accepted in society is really just pandering to male whores and it’s fucking disgusting. And that the idea to have a long term relationship can only survive if you can accept getting cucked sometimes cause god fucking forbid you ask a man to have some fucking self control. It’s hard to believe that there is genuine love out there, in a sea of porn sick degenerate’s. I fucking hate being here and I fucking hate being touch starved and wanting a deep relationship that I’m not sure will exist.

>>83212
you should try getting into something over long distance
it's not hard to do

>>83219
Still comes with the same problems.

>>83221
i would say you're probably not looking in the right places

>>83212
I've just accepted it and enjoy life as a volcel anyway. I think not looking is the best way to go. Its always when you're searching avidly for something that you don't get it anyway.

I know its not that kind of thread but JESUS being a volcel is so liberating. Why would you WANT to subject yourself to all the horse shit out there?

>>83014
Thanks anon. I've embraced being a loner these days so that part doesn't bother me anymore thankfully. Right now I'm trying to work on the deep rooted shame and self worth issues but it's really hard when they are things that I've always had and still keep causing me to make more poor decisions.

Even then, if I get rid of the feelings, I still have to deal with the mess they've made of my life. It feels like an mountainous task and yet when I finally complete it, I will have nothing real to show for it, just a vague sense of normality. Imagining what else I could achieve with all those hours and brain power instead makes my stomach sink.

>be told by my mom that I should figure out some kind of activity to do outside (pretty much all I do is work out, read, learn a language, draw sell stuff, etc), pretty much just a loser shut-in
>"you're a young person, you should hang out with young people"

>yet, she also complained endlessly about my only irl friend's family, her lifestyle, her, etc., completely unsolicited
>"bad influence" (she's a Christian and her favorite hobby is going to the library ffs, I've never see her do anything weird)
>even was planning a big hiking trip with her + something we could volunteer at together, as well as workshopping our job skills, and completely derailed by my mom complaining
>always have defended my friend but over time got exhausted and felt so deeply awkward and ashamed of my mom's behavior…overtime stopped having bimonthly sleepovers and going places constantly with my friend (moreover, the house is now embarrassing)

>I've slowly become almost completely mute irl and very awkward, I can't even talk to my family besides in "yes" and "nos"
>ashamed of even facing people and only go outside with a hat and a mask and feel like a monster

>now has been so, so many months since I've met up with my friend that my dumbass avoidant anxiety is kicking in, in spite of knowing she's always did nothing but love me and support me
>miss her but tell myself I am no longer the same person, I'm not me, so there's no use in knowing anybody anymore

Weird how I went from just a plain ol' loser to a bad friend and person that abandons people. I had severe speech issues and delay I needed years of therapy for as a kid but my friend had been always there for me in spite of it and she really helped me get get out of my shell, and made me feel safe to talk. No one else ever has.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

Ugh there’s a picture of me with my family on 4th of July I had on Instagram and I just had to take it down after having it up for so long. I just looked SO UGLY.

>>83020
Can you start going out for walks alone and then draw and learn languages in a park? It will get your mom off your back a bit.

Also text your friend and tell them you are going through a difficult time and sorry for being distant and that it isn't anything to do with them.f

I saw a language related masters course years ago that would be a dream to do. My grades from years ago were terrible due to trauma and hating my subject but over the past few years I was motivated to take extra classes and self study a similar difficult language so that I could exceed the requirements.

Right now I'm on track to get the required grades, gain advanced qualifications and translating experience in the similar language, and gain qualifications at intermediate or advanced in two more unrelated languages. The course especially appealed to me as it's at an elite college and I've always had a huge chip on my shoulder that despite having a (tested) high IQ, I've never achieved anything.

However I made the mistake today to look up people who are currently doing the course on linkedin to see how I compared. I had done this before and it helped me to see what was expected. This time the results all had advanced levels of multiple difficult languages, multiple prizes, degrees from other elite colleges, only perfect grades, and were several years younger than me. It feels like I'll never be enough.

What's worse is that, either they changed the requirements or I somehow missed it before, as the ability to work in a group is now a requirement. I'm autistic and I will just never be able to do that. The college is known for small group teaching so I thought that it would finally be an environment where I could thrive as only distant or self education works for me.

Why do I set my goals so high that they are never achievable. Why do I feel the need to "prove" how smart I am when no one cares. I know I should be proud of the progress I've made (even having a basic conversation in another language is impressive where I'm from) but somehow once I reach something it becomes unimportant in my mind.

It's like there is a glowing sphere labelled "self worth" just outside of arms length. I can't see what it is but I know what I have isn't enough. Every now and again I'll gain something and go up to the glowing sphere and compare what I have to see if I've finally obtained value but what I have in my hands is never enough. The sphere always changes and instantly anything I have gained becomes worthless.