/feels/ - Advice & Venting

22yo autistic girl diagnosed at 16. up until last year i never thought anything of it. that it was just some stupid label given by the doctors to label me as difficult and stuck up.
but now it seems my autism diagnosis wasn't actually a lie. i never had friends that i could get along with like other kids since i was 5 until now. people talking hurts my ears. i didn't really like any of my peers, they were always too outgoing and bright for me. they always did unsoliticed physical contact that made me so uncomfortable i ended up not leaving the house for the next few days. for some reason i cannot handle theatre audio systems anymore. i have to wear ear plugs just so i can watch movies on a big screen in film quality. everything sounds too sharp, like nails on a chalkboard. i cannot maintain eye contact with my psychiatrist and my therapist while talking. i talk staring at my hands while i fold and unfold the paper with my queue number on it (i bought a fidget cube so i can stare at my hands doing useless shit for as long as i need, paper degrades too easy). making exaggerated facial expressions like other people has gotten impossible. (people have gotten worried because my face is unmoving while i interact with them)
i feel like myself in high school where i hated everyone because i couldnt understand them for being so excited and so loud. now im in college and i can understand them more due to reading more philosophical/psychological topics on the human mind. but no matter how much i fucking "nerd out" i can never be truly human and day by day i feel more and more detached with humanity.

i'm turning into a sociopath. the more i have to make myself acceptable to society the more i feel like i am disappearing. this sucks. what if i really disappear and when i do have a chance to be a mother to a daughter, my rhetorical daughter will hate me for being so emotionally flat/empty/dead inside?

say that my dreams of raising a daughter better than my parents raised me will never come to anything. it'll hurt and i'll cope with that but, there are some days i feel so detached and not myself i have this slight unease if i murder family. i already hate my parents so i feel like they'll be the victims foremost if i do lose myself. but what i'm scared of is being so far gone. i commit murder in catatonia and get assessed in court in a catatonic state. no longer human, no different than an animal.

chat im going insane and i dont thinPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

How would you describe the feelings and differences of

>Young love
>Love at first sight
>"Just Dating" / "Seeing each other"
>Loving a friend
>Someone who you genuinely appreciate and feel grateful for being able to meet, and can make you emotional because of how they make you feel
>Being "in love"
>Long term love
>Falling out of love
>Settling

The important things. Like, what am I supposed to do when I, as a married woman who loves her husband, am feeling extremely attracted to a male friend? I wanna suppress my feelings and act like everything is normal but it’s so hard, it’s literally physically painful. I‘m feeling physically sick. Maybe I should cut contact with him, but I know that would really hurt him and I really can not do that. What am I supposed to do? I’m despairing. I don’t know who to ask

Can bad days, trauma, mental scars, and nightmares from bad experiences ever be healed?

Everything you experience for the first time, good or bad, always hits a lot harder.
Everything you experience up until 25 hits a lot harder.
Venting doesn't work.
You can't put a broken glass back together.
The cracks will still show, shards will still be missing.

Can all you do is move toward and live with everything that happened and try to find peace?

Share any positive feelings or positive things.

Garden your soul garden.
Every focus is infinite multiverses.
Keep watering the ideas/plants that make you feel the loveliest love


Here’s a thing that has made me feel so good and is important to me:
Thousands of Polska girls and Belarus girls are covering my NorthAmerican city with graffiti. They’ve somehow clearly gotten the idea to all become collectively like a splatoon. It has changed the energy immensely and really improved the omnipresent feminism quality~level vibe. These girls have religions about ancient euro queens and it really shows, lots of ethereal stuff.. I see so many soulful girls are more comfortable loitering around and making anywhere a party! That’s SO important! Sovl

i feel like the ugliest person ever. every single time i see my face in the mirror, i start crying because of how ugly i feel. i’ve been insecure my whole life, struggling with an eating disorder since i was eight, and with my appearance in general. i’ve always known i wasn’t conventionally attractive, but over the summer i was talking to a guy i really liked, and he started talking about looksmaxxing and things like that. i began looking into it, and ever since then my insecurities have gotten so much worse.
then in october, i found out he was dating another girl and had been talking to her at the same time as me. that made everything even worse. i hate it so much. for the past few months, i’ve only gone outside at night because i don’t want anyone to see how ugly i am. i hate going to school so much. it’s horrible. half the time i end up skipping my classes because i don’t want anyone to see me.
i only have one friend, and i don’t know what i would do without her. i’ve told her how ugly i feel, and she always tells me that i’m not, but that’s what everyone would say in that situation. she’s one of the prettiest people i’ve ever seen in my life, and i know she’s my best friend and i shouldn’t be jealous of her but i am.
i don’t know what to do anymore. i honestly feel like there’s no hope and i should just slime myself out. i also think i just need to deal with it for now and hope it gets better once i’m older cause i’m only 15. i obviously want to get a good amount of plastic surgery when i’m older but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to afford it.
idk if anyone is actually going to see this let alone read all of it but if you have any advice on being less insecure or any tips on being less chopped i would really appreciate it

post yr ideal partner

Я устал от того, что мужчины И женщины смотрят на меня (русскую женщину) и думают, что мы не правы, в то время как украинские мужчины часто говорят об изнасиловании нас, как только они попадут на территорию на юге. Меня чертовски тошнит от того, что у украинцев хватает наглости называть наших мужчин орками, когда эти чертовы нацисты планируют разводить нас, как запас

I was able to go anywhere by myself. Then I started to have panic attacks. For a month I had panic attacks almost everyday, I was so anxious. I still get them but not that often. And now, I cant go out by myself due to how anxious I feel. It sucks. Cant even go out to grab some stuff from supermarket. Maybe having a support group or someone in the same condition would be good, atleast I could share small things that I did by myself to grow confidence.

I have a cyst in one of my ovaries and it hurts. It is pressuring the organs around I guess. My parents dont care. They tell me that I shouldnt worry and its all in my head. But its hard to not to care about a cyst, especially when it is hurting. Its hurts so bad when I am on my period too. I always had hard periods, the cyst is making it harder. I am scared that the cyst might pop, because when it does it releases toxic stuff in your body (as i know).

I am scared and anxious. I used to have severe depression and now that I just started recovering, I have to deal with those, like a fucking joke

So, my ex left me a few months ago after sexually abusing me on one occasion. He's admitted to it. I have texts of him admitting to it and apologizing. I'd wanted to leave for a long time, but I'm an actress and playwright, and I really thought he was going to be able to work on and uplift my work before he left. He was friends with a couple of celebrities growing up. I'm very aware this was stupid, and life has punished me for it. We're both in college in NYC for theater. Part of me really wants to file a Title IX, but considering his familial wealth, industry connections and that his mom is a contributor to the DSM it probably would not go in my favor. I'm just scared, I guess. This shit doesn't usually go well. I don't want revenge, but I feel I'm being punished for being "too emotional" during my college acting classes after covering for him most of my Fall semester, as the incident happened over the Summer. It's just not fucking fair. It's a small BFA program, and I just don't know how to get through the next year and a half of school watching him get opportunities over his background as mine disappear because he isolated me completely.

Has anyone been through a similar situation? How did you get through it? How were you able to stop caring about them? I hate that I do. Were you able to not talk about and if so how? Sometimes it feels like this is literally all I can talk about. I'm so fucking angry, sad, and lonely. The stress gives me rashes, but it's been better since we're not in contact.

All love to anyone dealing with anything remotely similar out there.