/feels/ - Advice & Venting

I honestly can't handle life after a while being a neet.
Before that I was a normie that went to uni, made her chores and kind of behave with my family and society.
Nowadays
>I forgot easily making simple chores I've got ask for
>My mood is a disaster
>My coping mechanisms are a disaster
>Tried killing myself 3 times I think
>Self harm when I get angry
>I dropped uni, went again and im struggling with finals
>My family and I can't stand each other anymore.
>Only feel okay when I'm on the phone, drawing stupid shit or having sex with bf or jerk off
Im.not the person I used to be, I feel I can't be that person again and I wish I was dead.

I have a bf but I keep thinking about a past guy. We were good friends and both liked eachother. But eventually drifted apart. I frequently thought about him.

2 months into my current relationship we coincidentally had contact. it felt so good, we talked for a couple of days. there was always so much unspokenness between us so then i texted him: i want to be honest with you, i used to like you and it was good to talk to you again but i think its better to let go now and not talk to eachother anymore. I didn't mention my boyfriend.

we had a good last conversation and he said he respects my decision and he regrets not having asked me out, and that it'll be difficult for him to let go but he's glad we're on good terms.

but still (2 months later) we keep having these small interactions on social media. i can tell he is still paying attention to me and i am also to him. I check his profiles every fucking day. Sometimes even while I'm with my bf. He doesn't know i have a boyfriend now. I think that would hurt him and he'd feel deceived. It's my responsibility but i also keep seeking out interactions with him and make it clear i still think about him. I look forward to like texting him next year to ask how he's doing.

i just feel so shitty. i know i should probably remove him from socials to minimize this and move on. but I don't. I want to hold the door open. It feels so good thinking back to us and fantasizing about what could've been. Our chemistry was so insane and talking with him felt good in so many ways. He's also really funny and I feel like there's more I like about him than my boyfriend for example. And yet I love my boyfriend fully for who he is and i want to spend my life with him. part of it might also be that i feel like im a difficult person to love and my boyfriend is so supportive and i don't think i'll find that in other guys. I'm scared that if i were to pursue somethign with the guy it'd fall apart or something or it'd be like i deceived him because i have so many issues. then again i also had those thoughts with my current boyfriend- and despite my worries we turned out really well.

my bf is so patient with me and understanding and loves me so much. its not like he's treaating me wrong and i'm missing something in the relationship… i just suck

I wish my bf would break up with me or something.. so i could have an excuse to pursue the other guy. But I know that won't happen. idk whaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

My family, including extended family, is extremely trad. Beliefs vary a little bit but for the most part women shouldn't go to college or vote, premarital sex is evil, dating around is evil, and not having kids makes you a whore. They're like christian jihadists essentially.

"Women's rights" wise my parents were actually better than my extended family because they wanted me to be educated and to work, they just wouldn't pay for any college. (They paid for my brother, lol). But my parents fucked it up for themselves because they beat me really bad and started calling me a whore the moment I got my period. Real Carrie shit. I still have an eating disorder because I was mostly fed their leftovers and just never developed an appetite. Just real bizarre shit. My point is, I have no familial ties to any of these people. Like they're just nothing to me.

My main obstacle is getting a job that pays enough. I'm on medicaid and am getting psychiatric help but it might be a long road to normalcy. I had a full time job once and had a nervous break that stopped me from sleeping for five days. I'm really scared to go back to work after that but I've tried a few part time jobs and gig work since then and I found a few things that I could cope with I think.

My main fear is that they come looking for me and start a lot of drama. Does anyone else have experience with this? Are they allowed to just stalk you in the USA if you're related to them?

help i don’t know if this is the wrong place to ask this or if this is gross and tmi but like i genuinely dont know if this normal
so everytime i masturbate by penetration i pee… is that fucking normal ive looked everywhere and it said that it’s just squirting but i don’t know if it’s actually that and i’m fucking scared that if i get boyfriend and we have sex i’ll fucking piss on him

I'm ugly. I'm overweight. I'm extremely socially anxious and autistic, which is why I haven't had a single friend in almost ten years. I lack hygiene, I'm incredibly insecure and feel the need to kill myself when I have to think of my pathetic existence. Nothing is fun to me because I cannot concentrate for the life of me. I have tried to change my life multiple times but I cannot stick with it. Instead, my body keeps being pulled in to bed and my fate is probably to rot here forever.
Only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm still young, only 20, so I am hoping for a miracle… Advice would be very appreciated. If there is any at this point.

im not happy with my life, i struggle to be an average student. i feel so dumb. ive been trying to lose the same amount of weight for two years now. i havent gotten anywhere in my life. Ive grown up with super strict parents they sheltered me so much thoughout my whole life i havent been able to make lasting friendships. all i really want is friends. girls in school dont like me. i wanted to experience romance like other girls but i never could. one day when i was 16 i was being really dumb and i downloaded a dating app and started talking to guys because i really wanted to be validated. i wanted to be wanted. i wanted romantic attention. i secretly dated a 19 year old man and kept it secret from my parents. my parents hate me now theyre like super extreme. so i lost all my freedom and now everyone thinks im some whore. im still secretly dating that guy idk if its wrong but i want attention i dont have ppl close to me and he is the only one close to me. i cant trust anyone. now because my parents and family hate me cause im too much for them i have 9 months to move out but i dont have money or a stable income. my mom takes my goverment allowance and idk how to get it back and if i do it myself it will cause more issues with my family cause theyre super weird about money and stuff so i might be at risk of homelessless or something else bad if i do it without them knowing. im trying to keep the peace but im super stressed about money and what im gonna do. i wanna give up and run away with my bf. my fam has alot of restrictions on two of my devices like my ipad and phone cause they gotta track my location cause they dont trust me so i cant even fcking take them off that im on baby traps on my fucking phone i hate it. it pisses me off im technically an adult i cant buy a new phone cause i cant get a job cause i literally have no social skills and no experience with people cause my parents never let me outside. and like im trapped and theyre suddenly gonna js let me go in the world as like "oh fuck u since u wanna do whatever u want so bad, here be completely on ur own that waht u wanted right? to be independant" i dont have the skills. i barely know how to speak properly with people. i dont know what im gonna do. i hate everyone. i was never able to make friends growing up in school or after, my parents never let me out when i fought for my freedom it caused so many issues that i have to keep quiet so i dont end up homeless. nobody can help me. i dont know whaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Fuck guys idk where to start. Yeah. He switched up when I got pregnant and isolated me hard. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, some quasi-physical abuse (corning me in a room and flexing his fists for one, punched walls, doesn't let me leave a room or the home while he bearates me.) He's lost his temper with baby before too, slapped, screamed insults, yells if she does something that annoys or bothers him.
I have c-PTSD (diagnosed after I went to a women's shelter, from this relationship and the previous one) and Asperger's, but I've done a lot of counseling and reading on communication and in the beginning of the relationship was quite good at it, but the moment he starts the word twisting, taking everything as an attack, blaming me for it, insulting my character, all the DARVO shit, I lose it and have meltdowns.
He was arrested, but his colleagues (he's a cop) protected him, and then he had been threatening me for months about this specific scenario and I fucked up massively by lying and hiding what he's done to get the charges dropped.
He lacks empathy entirely, and I'm not sure he feels any emotions other than anger, and he thinks it's justified to act out that anger however he pleases. He thinks hitting kids, shaming them, yelling at them - even newborns and toddlers (mine is 1.5yo) is important and how you get them to behave. I am more a "natural consequence" and empathetic "home is a place of understanding and valuing each other as individuals" parent.

I feel really fucking stuck.
He has many advantages in court because of his career, he's very manipulative and lies well, brags about it. He will take my baby from me if I leave, he's very vindictive. Even just an overnight stay a week I feel panicked, what if he smacks her or screams at her again, and she can't tell me because she can't talk?

So I am torn - I leave, to protect myself, potentially leaving my baby open to the same emotional abuse.
Or I stay and try to play nice/lay low until she is old enough or until work transfers him too far away to see her, so that I can be there to protect her.
If I'm there, he does essentially no parenting, unless he thinks I'm leaving him, and then all of a sudden he's the most fun and hands-on dad…

Idrk what I'm asking sorry, my mind's all fucked and I don't have any close friends, or family.

Looking for advice and the possible reason for this. A couple years ago, I lost a couple family members including my father through an accident which led me to isolate, losing the ability to socialize properly, but after some therapy I was able to make a lot of new friends, now I can easily make friends and go out. My problem is, I act completely different infront of my friends/relationships compared to my mother. I go into a small shell, she has never been abusive but incredibly supportive of my journey but this really gets to me because she probably things I am genuinely retarded when I am actually a big socialite and I can look into other peoples faces and hold good conversation, good posture, hygiene, etc. It's like I see her as a caregiver.. I don't know why I do this because it really makes me look really weak in front of my family. What can I do to become more normal and functioning around my mother that I can do with my friends?

I don’t know where else to post this. I’m not gonna lie, I do care who sees this and there’s a good chance I’ll get banned for posting this shit.:/ I’m 18 and asexual. (Ironic, considering what I’m about to tell you.)
When I was 10 and my half-sister was 18, she showed me an 18+ game (Summertime Saga or some shi). I masturbated for two years because of that shit until I stopped for five years idk why. My sister never touched me but now I’m disgusted by her. I don’t want to see her not even in pictures and I don’t know if I should tell my dad about this. I doubt he’d care but I feel like I should tell him. I don’t talk to my sister anymore, but knowing what she’s like, I know she’ll try to talk to me again at some point. I don’t want that. She disgusts me. I feel like I hate her.