/feels/ - Advice & Venting

venting here because i am too pussy to pay for a therapist.

but basically, my history with abuse, verbally and physical is something too complicated to talk about to a another person (a professional), so basically, ever since i was a kid i was screamed at, beat, bullied, laughed at ridiculed, and most of it were classmates but 80% of it was familiar.
through the ages of 5 to 16 years old i was treated with so much hate that i wondered if i even deserved to be alive and function as a human being other than a creature to be the peoples pain reliever.
one day when i got back from school, i was around eight years old, i had written "fuck" in my book, a very idiotic kid behavior when you first discover insults and bad words, my sister was cleaning my room that day and opened the book and saw it, then showed it to my mom, that day she hit me so bad and jumped me that i was scarred for life. she would beat so badly i dont think its even allowed to mention here but anyway, after that day i became scared and so fragile i couldnt make human contact, other than the physical abuse, my sisters would call me such disgusting names and scream so much at me that any tone of voice would make me uncomfortable, what seven, ten, fourteen year old me did that was so terrible? i was never one to pick any bad habits, i did start smoking at very early age but i was still antissocial and alone.

i grew to be a very sad and anxious teen after everything, still being treated like garbage, but there was one particular moment that really changed me (for the worst), my brother had turned the same age i was when i suffered all those things, and he is too "weird" and closed off, and autistic, he didnt talk much and he liked some weird stuff, but he is very mad? and agressive, he used to jump at me, beat me, call me names like whore, slut and tell me to kill myself, but in one day in particular while he was at school (we live close to the school he goes) we got a call from the principal telling my mom that "her son jumped at the teacher and strangled her", the cops were called and all my sisters went there to see the situation, after he got home, the treatment he got after that was "one week without his computer", thats all. when i was his age the simple word "fuck" in my book was enough to have my mom kneel down on my chest and beat me till i was unconcious, but he got sweet words and "just dont do that, okay?", seeing that happen radicalized me in a hardcore wayPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

tell me about your day cc!
stories also welcome

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Women are amazing!

song lyrics

With boyfriends

If you have a boyfriend, where did you meet him? Do you think he’s attracted to you? Or do you think he’s using you? If you’re insecure, what made you feel like he actually liked you? Like what did he do?

Without boyfriends

If you never had a boyfriend, do you think anyone has ever had a crush on you?
Did you have an opportunity to be in a relationship? Why or why not did you take it?
Do you feel like life is heavily geared to couples and isolated?

I'm 25 and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I got a CS degree pre-AI but now with a horrible job market, just getting junior roles is really difficult and it feels like I have to grind my ass off just to get a livable wage in my field. I've been doing leetcode and applying soulless tech stacks to my resume that I genuinely don't even care about. My boyfriend of almost two years left me because his avoidant attitude turned every conflict or disagreement into a breakup scenario; which I just put up with, even though it hurt me deeply to feel so disposable in the relationship cus I had nothing else and didn't want to lose the only source of love and warmth I had. Now that he's gone, my life feels like a void again with not much reason to wake up. All I want in my life is to be happy with my family and have someone waiting for me at the end of the day, but with each passing year, that dream just seems more distant. Been feeling really nihilist, thinking if any of it even matters.

I need to know if loosing your virginity to a moid is really worth it. I'm afraid to be thrown and dispossed like an used tissue after gifting my virginity to someone…should I consider having my first time with another girl?, ¿Do you regret losing your virginity?

Anyone here autistic with ADHD?

I've come to terms with the fact that I will forever be alone. Being forced to move as an expat and sheltered ruined all social skills (that I never even had) and detached me from my birthplace, breaking all connections I had. I'm not a likeable person, even online, and I don't even know why. In a group full of people, I always have a notion that I am hated and nobody likes me. I swing from being very proud to ashamed in interactions. My family doesn't like me either. I've been made a lolcow on several occasions. I haven't had a real friendship since I was 13. I'm about to go to university and I genuinely feel like ending it to save myself from the suffering ahead of me.

ok so basically what eats me alive lately is thinking about how the things i have been ridiculed for liking and straight up bullied is now liked by the people that hated me for liking said thing.
am i stupid for letting such thought bother me?, well, i know it’s stupid but part of me feels a bit sad, knowing i spent half my childhood up to adolescence being made fun of and hated for such little things, in which also made me extremely depressed and self isolated. seeing what made me happy and people hated me for liking being now their “interest” is so soul crushing to me.
it makes me think that all the pain i’ve felt while being bullied was just nothing, my sister used to be so mean and angry towards me for liking certain music and now she booked 2k in tickets for the concert of the bands I LIKED.
and now simply when i bring up about it it’s like “well that’s not true” “i dont remember it”.
am i in the wrong for feeling sad over things like this? it hurts me sometimes.