I was always thin and weirdly envious of spooky anachans since I was very little, but I only became dedicated towards losing a lot of weight at the beginning of the covid lockdown.
I was riding on covid-induced unemployment checks, so I would leave the house and just walk all day, every day - far away so I couldn’t come home too early, and I’d bring no money with me so I couldn’t buy anything to eat. I did this for months, and it was easy because I was temporarily living on my own.
But once I started living with other people again - people who constantly cook for me - all my sense of control crumbled away, and I couldn’t seem to stop eating once I started having normal portions again… I subsequently discovered it’s extremely fucking easy for me to purge. However, even if I’m puking up all my food, ingesting it in the first place makes me painfully ravenous. Constantly starving, only able to focus on food and how hungry I am. I’d never be able to pull off a single day of normal eating, let alone the fasts I used to do. I feel like a whole different person.
Nowadays I come home from work and binge-purge over and over again until I physically can’t stand it anymore because I have to go to sleep. Around 10 times a day, I am puking. It’s been a year of this and no method I try seems to stave off the desperate hunger. At this point, I’ve given up on healthy eating and just buy tasty binge food so I can at least enjoy the experience of slowly killing myself.
I’m sure if I stopped purging that my body would stabilize and I’d become less hungry over time. But every time I let that happen, I see my body become bigger, and the pain is worse than any of the sores in my mouth. I don’t see any way out. I just want this to kill me already. It’s my whole life. What’s hilarious is that I’m barely underweight, too. No one in my life will ever realize I’m struggling at all because I look normal. Above all things, I either want to die, or to visually waste away so everyone gets that I’m actually hurting. I masochistically want to harm myself in this way, and sadistically want to harm others with the sight of me (or my dead body).
Idk. I realize on a cognitive level how stupid and pointless this all is but I can’t stop. I can’t even take any psychiatric medications that might help me because they either make you more hungry (unethical to prescribe because it would exacerbate binge urges) or less hungry (unethical to prescribe becaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.