i have binge eating disorder, but with an autistic "it must be in my limited palate or i will starve myself and binge worse" twist
it developed because i lived with my abusive grandmother for two years, and she would forbid me to eat at all so long as she was awake. i was only chubby, and yet she was paranoid about me becoming diabetic, because i ate a single grape.
she'd threaten me constantly, too. so i could only eat while she was asleep.
i had from midnight to 5 in the morning to eat anything at all, for an entire 24 hours. i never lost a single pound due to the amount i'd eat.
she was also extremely upset that i'm a ssa female with gid, a ftm, a lesbian, whichever you choose or believe, point stands she didn't like i wasn't trying to marry a man and wasn't trying to be ladylike. she kicked me out over this, and i gladly left.
but despite the cause being separated, i was still struggling with binging. and still am, a year and a half later. it even got worse.
so that's approximately three years with it, and i haven't attempted recovery, if only because i don't know what to do and my psychologist recommended i, someone with both caffeine induced anxiety and a potent caffeine/soda addiction, drink one cup of coffee for a full meal replacement and eat one small plate of healthy food a day, and only one plate a day. this obviously doesn't work for someone with a bmi of 38 and a violent reaction to hunger due to their medication. (intense shaking/jittering, lots of salivation, confusion, loss of balance, et cetera.) so i'm pretty much fucked
from the get-go. no idea what to do.
i also absolutely love my current weight and how it looks, i'm 5'7-8 and have a weight of 240 exactly. (gid effects genitals and the perception of others, not weight, thats bdd/bidd), but i don't want to go through 3 people's worth of food every sitting without my body spazzing out. if i lose my figure that way, so be it, but it's annoying, expensive, and deeply disturbing if you ponder it long enough. and god,
the hunger pangs. you could have just eaten and your body still feels like nothing went in. and one bite more and you feel like you're ill because the nausea, you can feel. but the fullness? completely doesn't occur. i never feel "full." i lack the ability to, i always have. i was very thin untill i was about 14-15, and now i'm an adult. my body's negative reaction to hunger started at around there as well, andPost too long. Click here to view the full text.