i have tried a lot of drugs to see what they are like. prescribed tramadol at 14 after major surgery, when prescription expired used recreationally. in university i was big into raving, degen social circle obviously, and was using some drug 2-4 days a week bc socializing meant this. most of these are from 17-21 in uni. i was into the idea of trying to compensate for personality deficits (mild adhd + socially awkward back then) and mainly i hoped to attain interesting new experiences. i did not and still do not like being entirely sober because i feel bored and overall my mood is predictably low. i hoped i would get insights on drugs which would reveal a really obvious thing i was missing about the meaning of life.
i never had physical dependencies but at some points i was using too much of coke and ket mainly and maybe had the potential to become addicted. thankfully i did not, and was able to function always. i got diagnosed with adhd and improved my social skills, and just grew out of partying after uni; adhd meds removed the need for any drug motivation. some of my old rave drug friends have become very religious. and seem to be at peace. one became an extreme bodybuilder steroid dude. ways of trying to fill this void. some people ended up being really fucked up and we lost contact bc they went way too far. using mephedrone/actual meth frequently, even. i never touched anything that sounded too extreme but a lot of the russians in my country ended up doing much harder things. i feel like my life has a little bit of meaning, and i have goals to achieve. i just make my goals to be productive at work, and to read books and learn interesting stuff. i set a lot of little goals for myself to independently study certain things. if i dont do it its so low-stakes its irrelevant, but if i do i feel very proud. so i entertain myself now. i still dont feel like i have some great purpose in my life, but im not expecting to find it and i dont care as much about the absence of it.
there is nothing profound in experiences that are just temporary chemical changes, and i learned nothing about myself or life broadly. i do not recommend trying things for the sake of trying. wasted a lot of time and a LOT of money, and most of these were not interesting enough for me to come back to it more than a handful of times once i knew what the experience was like.
i only take vitamin supplements and adhd meds at this point. coke like once or twice a month
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