setting boundaries with struggling friend. Anonymous 123373[Reply]
hi all! i've been friends with a girl for about 8ish months now. we were very close friends until about april when she cut me off and we stopped talking for about 50 days. i'm not completely sure why she cut me off, but she has some mental health struggles that likely come into play there. at the time she cut me off, she was somewhat cold and made it seem like she wanted nothing to do with me.
but, about a month ago, she reached back out to me because she missed me. while i had mostly gotten over her, i was very glad to see her again. we talked a lot and we started dating. about two days ago, she revealed to me that she never actually loved me, and that she kind of just dated me in order to make her father proud/because of social pressures. we broke up, and she spiraled like she did a few months ago and cut me off once again. she keeps saying that she doesn't care when i try to reason with her, or that i should stop trying to fix her.
i'm not angry with her, even though she thinks i am. if anything i'm just sad that she's doing this to me and herself. i consider her a close friend, but at the same time, i'm not sure if i can continue dealing with all of this. the constant self-loathing, the random mood switches, worrying that she's okay when she goes ghost, and getting abandoned over and over again takes a toll on my mental health. i love her, but i'm not sure what to do next.
it's likely that she will get over this sooner or later, and continue trying to reach back out to me. i'm also going to have to see her again in a few weeks because of an activity we participate in together. i really want to be friends with her, but at the same time, i'm aware that the dynamic we have isn't healthy. she's started struggling with heavy drug abuse as well, which has probably also impacted her mental health.
when she reaches back out, i plan to tell her that we can be friends again, but only under certain conditions. our friendship can't continue the way it has been. she will have to seek help for her drug abuse/mental health issues before i can be friends with her again. it makes me very sad that i have to do this, but it's also the only way things can be right between us.
anything else you think i should ask of her?
side note: i'm also considering seeking out a psychiatrist, because i am aware of some unhealthy tendencies that i have too. i tend to be pretty attached to her, and worry a lot about her.
Anonymous 123376
i went through the same. had a best friend who was an alcoholic and smoked marihuana a lot, i was also very attached to her and overprotective, always welcomed her when she reached out after some ugly episode. I don't want to be pessimistic about your situation, but if you tell her to seek help she'll most likely won't, that's something that was to be born from her, from personal experience.
if this gives you hopes, me and my friend went apart for like three or four years, we recently re connected after we both went to therapy, we are both medicated and in a better mental health condition which had made us have a healthier friendship, but that was because she was the one who looked up for help at one point after we stopped talking, not for all the times i asked her to do it.
Wish you luck tho and don't sacrifice yourself for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you
Anonymous 123429
>>123376thank you. i'm really struggling with missing her/hating her right now. on one hand i can't fault her for what she's done because she has mental health issues (and some other outside circumstances) that cause this behavior. on the other hand, this is really taking a toll on me. this is the second time she's left me out of nowhere. it hurts that she continues to disregard my feelings over and over again.
i keep wanting to just block her on everything and pretend like i don't know her. but i also want to leave lines of communication open in the hopes that she comes to her senses. i really do care for her, but i can't say she feels the same about me.
Anonymous 123641
>>123373i was so desperate to talk to her for closure, but now that i've actually done it, i don't really want to be friends with her anymore. we discussed the nature of our friendship earlier today, and it seems like she still wants to be friends with me. i don't mind though.
like, i still really like her as a person, but idk if i can be bothered with her atp. maybe it's just late night emotions but idk. i think she went too far this time. i can no longer separate her from what she's done to me.
atp i'm basically just giving our friendship a test drive to see if we still have what it takes to be friends. i'm not afriad it cut her off if i feel like it though.
