I liked wallowing, I suppose, and it felt good to have something so shocking up my sleeve (lol) even though I never told or showed anyone. It "helped me deal with" (read: reinforced but offered momentary relief from) negative emotions. I also felt like it partially exonerated me from my failings; even if I wasn't actually fixing them, I could say, "look, at least I feel bad about it and am punishing myself, like I deserve.">How
I started off just scratching myself with a sharp piece of metal, barely breaking the skin or drawing blood, but I eventually found some razors around the house and started doing some surface-level cuts. I mostly stuck to my thighs but did some on my arm as well. Over the years I'd cut myself off and on, with the average depth of the cuts getting deeper with each episode. I also started binge-eating as well and still struggle with it somewhat.>Advice
It's a self-indulgent, selfish practice. If being a self-centered cunt totally wrapped up in her own misery appeals to you, then by all means, continue self-harming. I always knew I couldn't do it forever, though. The thought of being a mother and still cutting myself was absurd, so I knew eventually I'd stop for good (or else would anhero). If you can, think of where you want to be and whether self-harming at that point makes sense. >Have you ever been caught?
Only after I was out of the house. My mom was concerned but I deflected and nothing came of it.>Do you want to be caught?
I always liked the idea of being able to flash my cuts to people of no consequence in public, but in practice, I was too ashamed and embarrassed to ever let my sleeves or shorts ride up so far. I don't let family see my scars to this day because I don't want them to be sad that I did that to myself. >Do you try to leave scars?
At first I didn't want scars for fear of being found out and only "cut" very shallowly. In the final period of self-harm I went through, though, I left a lot of scars all over my thighs and arm, enough for all the years I'd been self-harming combined. I have mixed feelings about them. I don't mind showing them in public because they're obviously old scars and I don't do it anymore, but as I said, I'd hate for my family to know, so I always wear long sleeves Post too long. Click here to view the full text.